Next Stages of Life

Tomorrow my family has two vastly different assessments. Well, three if you count that someone is coming to measure our windows for the whole-house replacement for which we've already signed the papers.

Tomorrow I bring Gabriel into his elementary school for the first time. The purpose is for an assessment that the kindergarten teachers do in order to help them balance their classrooms well. My understanding is that I will wait somewhere while he will go with one of the teachers to a classroom. There are, of course, Covid protocols of masks and distance and disinfecting that will be in place. But, this is the first time we are stepping into the school. The first real step of Gabriel representing himself without me. I'm proud of him. I'm excited for him. 

Tomorrow, my mom and dad go to meet with a neurologist. Mom has had symptoms - and then appointments and tests that indicate that she is in an early stage of Alzheimer's disease. I've known - ministered - to people with Alzheimer's, of course. But I haven't really studied it - or known much about it other than how I've related to those I served. It's now very personal and while I want to know more, I'm struggling to read either of the books I've gotten or to spend any time learning more. I will as it all sinks in.

Both Gabriel entering school (especially since we're beginning with eLearning) and Mom's diagnosis are at the very beginning of these next stages. And, I begin my time as part of the sandwich generation. Each will need me to slowly change the way I relate to them. Gabriel, as he gains more independence. Mom, as she loses some. Gabriel will need me differently - and I will need to figure out how to need my mom differently too. 

Marked with the Cross

Oh my heart.

I'm sitting at my desk, using the worship resource I put together for the congregation at which I just ended my position. I'm feeling a little anxious. D had some loose stool, and now I've got some indigestion. Because we're in a pandemic, I worry.

So, while Pablo is getting the boys ready for bed, I decided to go through the service for tomorrow. I'd just started and was listening to this Kyrie song by The Many: Lovely Need People. And Gabriel came to give me a hug. He sat on my lap for a minute, listening. I kissed his forehead, and then he reached up to make the sign of the cross on my forehead. 

He does this. He seems to know when I'm worrying - although he never seems to be worried - and makes the sign of the cross on my head. 

There are a whole lot of ways I don't feel like I'm doing a great job of passing on the faith to my kids. One reason for staying home was so that I could go to worship with them. But, obviously, faith is stronger than my inadequacies. And God is working - for my kids, and definitely through them too.

Stepping Away

My very rough draft of my last sermon is done.

As with most sermon writing, I'm feeling relieved that I'm at this place, but also just feel like it's not enough. That is the usual. At least until after I preach and then I either feel one of three feelings 1) Meh, it's over. 2) Well, that sucked. or 3) Where did that come from! That was better than just me!

Lately, it's been #1. And, it's one of the signs that it's right that I'm wrapping this up. 

As I confessed to a group of other Lutheran Leader Women, I am feeling a bit of guilt in leaving the church in this particular moment. It had been determined well before the pandemic that this would be the very end of my time at this church. There are various pieces that pull to make this the right time - it's not just one. But, it's also a pretty crappy time for anyone who is needing to make decisions for how to move forward. 

Frankly (because this is my blog), it's also probably a pretty good time for me to step away because I would not be advocating for in person worship anytime soon and it seems like there is a strong desire from some to do so. I do not intend to step inside of any location where I am would need to sit in the company of other people until there is a vaccine. Perhaps I will change my mind about that, but if I were part of the group needing to determine when to meet next for worship, I would be advocating not at all. And, I don't think that's in step with where this community is.

So, while I'm not going to be naming that to the community, it is one more piece that makes me feel like this is the right time for me to step away.

Postcards

For the primary elections this Spring, I wrote 100 postcards that got sent to Wisconsin to encourage people to vote. That election ended up being quite the debacle, and I felt a twinge of guilt, even though the postcards were mailed well before the election happened. 

This time around, I've got 200 blank (well, now 198 blank) postcards to send during October for the general election in November. I'm actually hoping that I can finish these and request more. The postcards don't seem to target any particular kind of voter, but with the organizers being liberal leaning, I believe the understanding is that if more people vote it's more likely that the liberal candidates will be voted in. 

I'm nervous about this election. Nervous especially because I can't believe that people voted for our current president in the first place. And now almost four years later, I'm not really sure what to make of that. So, I'm going to write postcards. I'm going to vote (in my county I can request a vote by mail ballot). I'm going to encourage others to vote. I'm not sure what else to do.

Stream of Conscious

I am really not succeeding at writing every day, am I? I suppose this monthly resolution is accomplishing a little bit - I am writing more than I would have if I hadn't decided that June would be the "write something every day" month. And, I am writing - e-mails, birthday/anniversary/Father's Day cards (we have a lot in June. I'm preparing to write my last sermon and yesterday I finished "writing" the last worship e-mail for Christ that will cover July and August. 

And, I have been doing pretty well at fulfilling my May resolution of walking 5 out of 7 days a week. I didn't do it in May, but June has been great! It helps that I got my Fitbit back running (well, partially - it conks out once it reaches 50% battery life).

I should start working on my July resolution: Read a new-to-me genre. I might edit it because I have already committed to reading two separate books for conversations in July that began out of people's desire to work on anti-racism. So, even though neither of the books are new genres for me, perhaps that can be the July intention.

I had been thinking though - what would be a completely new-to-me genre, and really, I'm not sure. I think a history book - one that draws you in and is interesting - might be one. Or anything war or military related. But, I really don't think I'd enjoy that, and my goal would be to find one that would maybe have me considering picking up that genre again. Perhaps I'll push that goal back to August so I can really delve into the search for the right book.

Anti-Racism moving forward.

Continuing from yesterday's post - I realized today that some of what I have "done" up until now in regards to working on anti-racism beyond my own self has been through work. Through preaching, through educating, through using the power I have in that way.

And now I'm not going to have that pulpit - literally and figuratively.

So, how does this change? 

I wonder if the pulpit - and the privilege of its use afforded to me - was safe. What I spoke was personal. What I proclaimed was intimate. But, it didn't require me to act in the moment. I prepared. I practiced. I wrote. I Googled when I didn't know something. I used a manuscript. 

Stepping outside of the pulpit and continuing the work of fighting racism is a shift - and one I have to take. I suppose I have done it in some ways - drawing attention to some subtle racist language (that many white people are ignorant of the racist roots) used at my kids' daycare. Posting on social media. Dabbling my toes in the gun control movement locally. 

But it's not enough. 

Continuing to Grow into Anti-Racism

I have written very little so far about George Floyd, protests, defunding the police and all that has been moving in our country in the last two weeks. Because of social distancing, we've decided not to go to any in-person protests or vigils. I'm trying to figure out how else to support the movement. 

For the last couple of years I've been reading more, and keeping track of what I've read. This year I've got the goal of reading a book a week, and though sometimes I get a little behind, I've caught up and am on track. A subgoal these last few years has been to read more BIPOC and LGBTQ authors...mostly fiction and sci-fi, but also some non-fiction, memoirs, stories of the author's life experience. 

We have also given some to organizations that are doing work to support migrants (especially in detention), the NAACP, The Southern Poverty Law Center, and Planned Parenthood. I've sometimes communicated with elected officials and am going to try to do more of that. To keep educating myself about topics and speaking up about them. This communication is definitely one of my growing edges.

And, I'm listening. I'm listening through books I read but also through social media (though I'm trying to not be on that as much), and other media - movies, tv shows, podcasts, etc.

At this point I know there is more to do. But, between my family's social distancing intention and my attempt to be on electronic devices less when I'm around my kids (from 6:30am-9pm), I feel limited. And when I write that, it feels like an excuse. 

Risk Tolerance, COVID edition

We're at that point of social distancing where we're trying to figure out what our risk tolerance is. We saw my in-laws yesterday. They had not even gotten groceries as they were preparing for our visit. We had done pick-up where someone put it in our trunk (as noted in the previous blog post). But, we also had not gotten close to anyone.

But now we're eager - and cautious - to see other people. I'm especially eager to get the kids together with a few friends. And we're finding that we don't always have the same risk tolerance. It's taking a lot of communication. Some concessions. Some rethinking. 

And, as always it is a balance.

Groceries During a Pandemic

In an hour or so I'll be heading to get groceries. I completely recognize that we are in a place of privilege. I have already ordered the groceries, and the ones that were able to be gotten (almost all this time) have been paid for with my credit card. I will roll up in my car, pop my trunk, show my id (because we have beer in this order) and someone will go and bring my cart(s) worth of stuff and load it in my trunk.

I have not been inside a store or structure other than my home (except for church that one time to pack up my stuff) since mid-March. I know that's not possible for most families.

Things will be changing soon. After we get together with my in-laws this weekend, I'm going to try to make a trip somewhere (Costco, Trader Joe's, I haven't decided yet) to get some of the things I haven't been able to get since everything started. I'm not as worried as I was a couple months ago. In places where masks are required and sanitation is being attended to, I think I'll feel relatively safe. But I also recognize that in this, I feel privilege too.

Masking

Gabriel has set up the play room as a store. He did this for months over the winter, and I got him to put it away after he stopped playing with it for a while. But, today it opened back up.

And, as he was getting ready to go "shopping" in the store, David asked Pablo where his face mask was, because he needed it to go to the store.

We have not talked all that much about wearing face masks. They have worn theirs a bit. In April we went on a family hike on a path where we saw a lot more people on than expected. David has tried his on a few times. They have seen other people wearing them when we're on walks. But, David gathered that going into the store required a mask because of hearing Pablo and I talk to each other.

I'm hoping that masking will not feel scary to them. That if Gabriel needs to wear one when he begins school that it can be maybe only a slight inconvenience, not something that feels frightening. But, that worry is for another day.

I understand that masking is really to keep other people safe from our germs, and I'm very confident that we don't have anything dangerous to share. But, once things loosen up, I guess we just don't know. And so we will take precautions.

Happy Home

We moved into our house 10 ½ months ago. We're still getting acquainted with it. We're figuring out how we want things, what we want to do in the future, what we actually have under our fingertips. 

Some things are not so great. We have a specific place where we know mice have gotten in. It's not a huge problem - we think we've only had 2 so far, but we're not exactly sure where we need to fill in order to stop this. We also have a silverfish problem and are working to address it. And, we're looking toward replacing our roof. 

But other things are so amazing. We keep have surprises bloom on the plants all around us. Our deck is especially comfortable at most times of day, but especially late afternoon and evening. The tree outside of the office blocks the direct sunlight which means it's sunshiny, but not sweltering. We have beautiful roses. I suppose that falls under the surprise blooms. But, they feel like an additional plus.

Our basement is cool when it's hot. Most basements are, but ours includes plenty of room to play, watch a movie, exercise - and has a bathroom too! We have lots of different spaces for us to be - to change up our scenery. Gabriel has found that he likes to read books in our family room - behind one of our chairs on the floor - in the sun. 

Above all, I am so thankful that we moved here when we did. That we're doing this homebound time in this home and not our last one. It is a huge blessing.

6 Feet Back

Our family has been continuing to social distance even as others are starting to open up a bit more. For the next week our reason is because we're going to have a visit with my in-laws who are in their 80's.

It's felt like a hard week to be socially distant. With protests and rallies held for Black Lives Matter and calls for police reform (or defunding). I *think* anything I would have gone to (which would have included bringing the kids to) would have been safe. All of the ones in our area were saying that everyone needed a mask and should try to stay 6 ft apart from people. I would have loved to have brought Gabriel to one of these to help our conversation about race, dignity, our responsibility and the part we play in making changes.

It's also been a little hard because I'm seeing people get together - with kids - with friends - to begin to ease those social distancing practices. I'm not even sure when or how we will begin to do that, but I know both of my kids will loooove it when we can.

First Steps

And, I missed a day. *Sigh*

I was writing - but not for myself. Or maybe, yes for myself, but not in order to reflect.

Yesterday I had a multiple e-mail conversation with the mayor of our town. I wanted to know more about how the police department is governed and the policies they follow. I wanted to know more about the work of anti-racism among our leadership.

I learned that our police department appears to have those policies and be required to be in regular training that many have called for as specific requirements that would contrast police brutality. I'm now understanding that many in the movement are more interested in defunding police, that these policies don't go far enough. And, frankly, I haven't taken the time to look more into what that means.

The mayor said that "this topic" (I think policy requirements of our police department) will be part of the conversation at the next board meeting.

I also learned that there have been some steps to pay attention to ways that our community has not been hospitable to BIPOC, namely in terms of housing. I pushed more with the mayor, and he responded - perhaps not as far as I would have liked him to have, but it felt like a good first step in my communication with him.

I believe they are holding their board of trustees meetings so that people can observe them from home during this time of COVID. The next one is next Tuesday. I hope to be able to listen in.

Full Circle

It's earlier in the day - but I have a child demanding that I lift him up. I'm not sure which is harder.

I discovered just a little bit ago that the scripture that I will preach on for my last Sunday at Christ (very possibly the last Sunday I preach as a pastor) will be the same scripture that I preached on as my first Sunday as an ordained pastor, 15 years ago.

It feels like each time I leave a place, the taking leave feels longer and longer. School years, including internship and student teaching, always included an ending from the beginning. But still, there did not seem like there was a long time between starting to prepare to leave and actually leaving.

My first call leave-taking seemed like it went pretty quickly. The seed of leaving was planted at the end of May and I was gone by the end of August. As I write, I realize that in my second call the leave-taking was also a bit prolonged. We got engaged in November (and it was announced near the beginning of December), and I didn't leave until the end of June. It wasn't obvious to everyone that I would be leaving, but it also wasn't surprising.

This time around, the council president and I knew in November, but didn't talk until December 1st, that a call wouldn't be able to be financially viable. And, at this point my on-leave-from-call status is running out. So, now we are starring down June 28th, 2020 as the last Sunday I'll be serving as a community's pastor. Really about the same amount of time as my 2nd call. But, it's feeling really drawn out. Not that it feels that way to the congregation, but I am feeling relieved that the leave-taking has officially begun with a letter going out on Monday.

Too Late

It's only day 3 and for the second day in a row I almost forgot to write.

Does this count?

It might have to. I have started three different topics and erased them all. Writing at night is not something I do easily or well.

And, I have laundry to fold yet - and a book coming due at the library soon.

There is more time to write tomorrow. Hopefully before 10pm.

Sleeping Pill

It's late to be writing for me. I often write best in the early morning and here it is almost 10pm.

Since mid-April I've been taking ½ a Zyrtec pill each night for my allergies. Most people do not become drowsy with this medication. I am not most people. It knocks me out - which is why I only take ½ a pill. (My allergist also has this happen to her. Since others had tried to convince me it's not supposed to make you drowsy, I felt so vindicated when she shared that it's uncommon, but it happens to her too.) Even though it makes me groggy I have continued to take it because it's been the allergy pill that has worked best on my allergies.

An added perk: because of the Zyrtec, I sleep heavily and usually do not have a hard time falling asleep or (most of the time) returning to sleep when David gets me up in the middle of the night. When people have talked about having trouble sleeping during this stressful time I realize that I am somewhat grateful to have this unintentional sleeping pill.

What to Write

My monthly "resolution" for May was to walk 30 minutes 5 times a week. That didn't happen. I started out well, and after a strong 10 days I didn't fight for that time anymore. My kids take a lot of coaxing to make it out the door sometimes.

June's resolution is to write something every day. I haven't put perimeters on it, but I guess I'm thinking that it's going to be writing for myself. Maybe here. Maybe a journal I have. 

There is a lot to write about. The country is currently embroiled in protests regarding the murders of black people by police. The murder of George Floyd, 6 blocks from my sister's home in Minneapolis, was only the spark to the gas that has been building forever. There are protests around the world. And in many cases, as the protests during the day wind up, looters and rioters - taking advantage of the situation - roll into town. Destroying businesses not as a reaction to injustice, but in order to fan the flames of division and hate. In order to create chaos and instill fear. In Minneapolis it's appearing as if those doing this are coming from out of town, changing license plates and are white. In Chicago it's been reported that looters audaciously came with U-Haul trailers.

It's also seeming that there are two opposing reactions from police - sometimes at the same protest. Sometimes police are attacking protests without provocation - or at least that is what it seems like by those who are there. Peaceful protesters with hands up end up with mace in the face - or crowds of people all of a sudden have to leap out of the way (even those with older people and young children) of police vehicles barreling through. 

But then there are many places where police are joining the protests. Calling for reform. Standing with those who are marching. Kneeling as those around them kneel. I hope for more of that. 

I'll have more. We're in a strange spot where it seems like so many people are not engaging with all that's going on in the world. Except, how would we know? We're continuing to self-isolate even as others become more social. I'm worried about what two weeks from now will bring with new cases. 

I've now got a last worship service on the calendar. It will be over Zoom, which is so strange, but I'm grateful that the council isn't interested in trying anything in person.

I'm starting this new "camp" with the boys - a different topic each week. Today is the first day and this week's topic is the moon.

And, there is definitely more to talk about with racism and white privilege.

School Bus Routine

I miss the routine of seeing the school buses that stop outside our house. Three in the morning, two in the afternoon (perhaps a third that I never quite figured out?). They framed our getting ready routine. By the 8am bus we needed to be heading upstairs to get dressed. And, they helped us know that we had just a little bit of time before Daddy would get home and I would need to start making dinner.

Now, while not quite as routine, and not quite as noticeable, we have more walkers passing by. And more frequent delivery trucks make the noise the school buses used to. These would always have been here, and the school buses would have stopped at this point. But, I still miss them. And there is a sadness connected with them not keeping their routine.

Stay In Power

March 14th was the last time my family was inside together someplace other than our own house. The kids have now "finished" preschool at home. (They really didn't do much other than watch some videos their teachers had posted, do a project or two, and Gabriel finished a few letter worksheets.) We picked up their school items last Monday.

It's been over 2 months since either of them have played with kids other than each other. They have talked on FaceTime or on the phone with family members. We did one socially distant visit to their Abuelitos. But otherwise, their playmates have been their parents and each other.

And most of the time they are doing so very well. But sometimes they just get tired of each other. And, often they want to go someplace other than outside or in our house.

Gabriel refused to go and pick up preschool things even though he could have seen his teacher because he didn't want to go if he couldn't get out of the car. David had a bit of a temper tantrum yesterday as we walked past the playground. He first started by crying (after he tripped) and saying that he was sad that the playground was closed. But, he soon moved into proclaiming the virus must be gone because he can't see it.

We're "camping" in our living room tonight, to have something different on this Memorial Day weekend. We're not quite ready to try the backyard, and it's supposed to storm tonight anyway. So, we'll set up a tent, make s'mores at the kitchen table and hope that we get some sleep on the living room floor.

It's going to be a while until we can be carefree inside - and a while until the kids can really play with friends. We're very fortunate and I'm so grateful to be in the home we're in with the yard we have. I'm thankful that my kids play well together and are the age they are. But, this still is hard.

Packing Up

Because in-person worship will likely not happen before I finish up at the interim position I've been in for almost 3 years, I went in today to empty my office and get rid of all those papers that I've saved for reference for later (? why ?). And, in my "personal" drawer, with the sanitary pad, gum and extra crayons for my kids, I found a new breastmilk bag. I remembered that when I started this position, I was still nursing my youngest and had to close off my office around lunch time each day to pump. I remembered both loving the time without my kids hanging on me, but also missing them greatly and detesting the pump. I remembered thankfulness for the other staff in the building - all women - who never raised an eyebrow to my closed door and drawn blinds - and who were supportive of my family even as they barely saw them. A whole bunch of emotions hit me. Sadness at leaving mixed with sadness that my kids are growing. Joy at leaving mixed with joy at my kids not needing me nearly as much. Trepidation about what comes next - for the congregation, for the church, for my kids, for my professional life. It's amazing what happens in a few years, with kids, with a church (even when you're very part time), with your own frame of mind.

Joy

Today is the 3rd Sunday in Advent. During the children's message, as we prepared to light the third, rose-colored candle, I shared an idea from from Henri Nouwen about happiness and joy:

According to Nouwen, happiness is dependent on external conditions, joy is "the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing – sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death - can take that love away." So, even when we are at our lowest, we can still experience joy.

We lit the candle, and continued with the readings - during which the candle went out. Before I read the Gospel, I took a moment to try to light the joy candle, but it wouldn't take (the wick was too low) and said something like that we continue to have joy in our hearts even if the candle isn't lit.

As soon as there was an opportunity - during the offering, a member of the congregation who is going through an incredibly tough time (really, a horrible time), was up there trying to do everything she could to get it lit. It still wouldn't take. After worship she took that pink candle out of worship with her and brought it back a few minutes later having carefully removed the excess wax so that the wick could light.

That joy - the joy that comes from a love that even sickness or failure, or family member's bad decisions, or chaos, or death - shines bright.

Come, Lord Jesus

These past couple weeks have been a blur of child sickness, Gabriel's birthday, more child sickness, (different child, longer and more parent-attention- needed sickness), and now preparing to host Thanksgiving and a birthday party. All at the same time I'm also trying to balance work that itself is feeling like a balancing act between hope and despair - between the work of a spiritual guide and a small-business administrator.

So, as I sit pre-dawn trying to unscramble my thoughts about Advent 1 - about what the Lord's coming means - I realize that the place I've seen God most recently (other than in love shared in family), has been the opportunity to preach, to study texts a little and be forced to come up with something that has truth, hope, reality and love - and to do so almost every week. Sometimes the entire process is so hard - but at other times, I'm energized by the thoughts that come into my head. The sermon preparation itself feels like a conversation with God as I wrestle through what certain things are saying and how they apply to our world as we know it and the world that we believe will yet be.

This morning, my prayer of Come, Lord Jesus, isn't a table prayer prior to eating, but a desk prayer as I write and ponder.

Full-time Follower of Jesus, Part-time Pastor

Now that I got that processing about how private I want to be accomplished, on to part 1 of my musings about what I want to do with my life.

I've long understood that the plans I make for my life will likely be edited along the way. I never became a public school teacher (yet), even though I was convinced between the ages of 8 and 20 that I wanted to do that. I haven't been an ordained chaplain - only fulfilling that role in a student role. I haven't become the senior pastor of a large congregation (yet?), realizing that the place that could have led to that role was not for me.

In recent years, I've been a part-time (interim) pastor. The other full-time job I have is to be the primary parent to preschoolers. When they go to school, I will likely be looking to fill my time differently. To work more than I do now. And, I'm contemplating supplementing that work with a role that is outside of organized religion - outside of the church.

I have seen rumblings in the last 10 years or so about how pastors of my generation should probably be prepared to be bi-vocational before we reach retirement age. Many congregations are not able to afford (or need) full-time clergy. While there is definitely a stress related to being a part-time pastor, I have found some joy in being able to be immersed in other ways than pastor when I'm in the community. While there is always more to do, that is the case for full-time ministry as well.

I've had some thoughts about the place of the church in society as it is now. I do not mourn that our particular form of organized religion is changing. That membership is going down. That we are not as powerful as we used to be. I'm positive I need to go into this more deeply in a future post - because I'm not trying to sink any ships either. But, I've long been impatient with the bemoaning that our experience of church is no longer what it used to be. That we do not hold the cultural capital we once did. I am actually hopeful that we are being forced to evolve.

And, that evolution may be away from the expectation that clergy is a full-time position of one who fulfills the ministry of the church.

To be continued....

Public Privacy

Currently this blog has an incredibly small audience (perhaps only me?). While I'm not really writing for others, I'm also aware that anything I put out there can be made public. There are a couple of posts I've kept as drafts. For whatever reason feeling like I didn't want them to be shared, but that I wanted to write.

I'm not completely clear on how private I want to be here. This past week, one of my kids did something that I'd love to both process in writing and have a record of. But, is it fair to him for me to do that on a public medium? Even if it's not being seen? What sounds does a falling tree make in a forest when no one is there to hear it?

I've also been mulling over what I want to do with my life - specifically my career. I will be sharing my thoughts about that soon, likely in more than one post. But, I'm also a little hesitant to put my musings out there because they are unprocessed and raw. And yet, that's part of my purpose of writing - to make meaning, to figure out what my actions should be, to process my life.

And maybe I'll overshare a little. But, at this point at least, I'm fairly certain that anyone who is reading isn't going to find what I'm mulling over problematic.

Why I'm Back

I started blogging again for a few reasons. One is honestly because I have all these thoughts I don't ever really have a chance to talk about with other adults. I mean, the majority of the time I'm caring for my kids who really don't allow conversation with others.

It's not only because of my kids. Another reason is that a lot of what I'm thinking about doesn't really fit into the adult conversations I do have. Some may, but this blogging also gives me the chance to work out my point and be more succinct. I've described myself as an external processor - meaning that sometimes I'm figuring out my point in the midst of talking. While this sometimes leads to some pretty good thoughts, often I'm stretching.

A third reason is because I want a place to remember this time and these stories - especially of my kids. I have not been good at writing things down and there are characteristics and stories of these two precious ones I want to remember once we're no longer in this time.

For today - I'm writing this while sitting on the couch next to David, who much of the time is holding my right hand. So, I'm typing one-handed. And every so often, he wants to type "d for David." Here is one of his: d

So, I'm back for now. With the knowledge that this is really only for me.

Conversations Producing Ripples

This week includes a number of intense conversations that are requiring different parts of who I am. Yesterday, in the 2 hours in which my kids were at preschool, I had a conversation with a recruiter for an incredibly exciting position. Then, immediately afterwards had a coffee date with a friend.

Today, during work I'm having to sort out some billing discrepancies with a vendor who hasn't been the easiest to deal with. And, I'm going to be taking communion to a woman I've never met before with some dementia.

Tomorrow, during preschool, Pablo and I will be having our check in with our financial advisor, and then I'm going to meet with a community member about another possible direction I might take my life.

I thought about looking at my calendar to see what happens Thursday, but I'm not sure that matters really. Because the point is made: these conversations are requiring such different parts of me, but all of them needing some degree of curiosity, some degree of clarity, and some degree of having my stuff together. (Although, the coffee with a friend didn't require that....only that it was immediately after the other conversation).

I'm nervous about both of today's conversations. I'll be very glad when they are done. But the others feel like they bring some excitement and accomplishment. Excitement at possibility, at connection. Accomplishment at adulting responsibly (that's mostly the finance conversation - but the others are adulting as well).

There are some weeks and months where it feels like the majority of my conversations and work are, while not calm, steady. Parenting, pastoring - fulfilling the duties and work that are common and routine. This week does not feel routine. And it feels like these conversations will have ripples of affect into the future - for better and for worse.

A Turning of the Tide Or the Eye of the Storm?

"I don't want to jinx it, but your boys are really well behaved." Said the nurse in the exam room yesterday. For the first time in our almost-5 years of seeing him, our doctor was running behind schedule. We were there after preschool - over the lunch hour - with both boys for the doctor to look at a rash on David (not a major concern, with nothing to do for it...but now we know).

The kids did do a very good job in the waiting room and in the exam room and as we went to get water between seeing the nurse and the doctor coming in (because David kept asking for it mostly because he just likes to operate the water cooler - but the nurse just thought he was thirsty). They were curious, and asked questions. They laughed when the nurse called David "sir" and when the doctor made funny noises. David let the pokes and prods of an appointment happen without a fuss.

We had some water spills, and at the end we had a pretty big bathroom mishap (though he was sitting on the toilet, none of the pee went in the toilet...and he was carried out with my shirt around his waist). But, the nurse was right. They were well-behaved. At a time I didn't really expect them to be.

This has been happening more and more, lately. Not quite so much that I count on it. But with enough regularity that I don't think it's a fluke. It is getting easier to parent these two rambunctious kiddos. Easier at least for a little bit...

Comfortable With What Comes Out of My Mouth

It's not often that I go to an adult party. I go to more kid parties than adult parties. I suppose kid parties can have the same kind of awkwardness that I find myself in at an adult party, but there are also usually distractions and easy conversation starters related to those kids.

Pablo and I got to go to a really fun adult party on Saturday night. It included a bonfire and party games. We knew a few people - and had fun talking with them, but we also managed to talk with some people we had not previously met.

Often after these events I have regret for things said - awkward responses or ways in which I dominated or didn't speak up. I didn't feel that after this party. Even with the following exchange:

In the attempt to make small talk with some people who are very much into sports, the talk moved to soccer and football. I so often find that I struggle to find the right balance of conversation between small talk and going deep. I'm not really good at the in between, and I feel uncomfortable really with keeping the small talk as small talk. So, I asked if they were intentional in having their elementary child play soccer instead of football. It was an enjoyable conversation. And then, one of the people said something along the lines of "soon the only people playing will be those who are looking to advance themselves financially."

Boom. "You're meaning that it will soon be that people who are poor, particularly people of color, are the only ones playing a sport that leads to brain damage for other's entertainment because they don't really see any other way to succeed in our county?"

I wasn't that blunt, but close. I ended with, "so, there's an injustice to football, huh?"

And then the conversation shifted and people moved on to other conversations, other groups.

For once I don't feel uncomfortable with how that conversation unfolded. I am not second guessing the discomfort my words caused. I feel good, actually. And not because I "got them." But because I didn't ignore the opportunity.

And who knows - it could have been that someone surprised me and I found someone else who shares a value with me. It wouldn't have surprised me completely because the friend whose party is was shares some of these values with me. But, in our area, my assumption is that most people would rather not name these things. Most people value living comfortably, and would rather not pay attention to the ways we lucked into our lives.

Overall the night was a lot of fun, and in some small way, this added to it. More than anything because I felt like I was able to be myself.

When Councils Get It Right

Today I got to be part of the beauty of a small congregation. We are facing some financial challenges - and some individuals are facing life struggles that impact finances. Our council meeting spent a good deal of time wading through some of the realities of our situation. People were careful with how they worded things and sensitive to how things might be heard. But were also straightforward in the discussion.

We have a plan of action and some more work to do, but because of some hard work we actually are able to plan and not just flail about guessing at our future.

Then, at the end of the meeting, one of the faithful - who is often the one taking care of everyone and everything else - (and one who is facing some life struggle that is bigger than usual), broke down as she spoke to a need that she needed to inform the council about. She said she would cover it, and immediately - from every person - the reaction was "no, we got you."

The need includes some financial investment by the church. But - even with the previous conversation of financial struggle - no one batted an eye.

I am pretty blessed to be serving with these people and in this place.

An Extension of Themselves

David, 2 ½, wants us to hold his arm while he eats and goes to sleep. He says "open/close" to indicate what we should do with our hand on his arm and often does that a number of times before relaxing into it. It's endearing and frustrating all at the same time. Sometimes it's pretty uncomfortable, especially when my arm is through his crib slats and I'm laying on the floor. Often, as I eat, I need to take my hand away for a moment, saying "I need two hands." He usually complains the entire time.

And, I am reminded that while my body continues to be my own, part of this role of motherhood - at least that way I am navigating it - includes allowing my body to be someone else's comfort. Allowing my kids to sit on me, hold onto me, snuggle into me, use my body as an extension of themselves.

I sometimes set my boundaries and say - "this is my body part." And when I do that I realize a bit of how this time of my body being theirs is actually pretty short. This time of them wanting to be right on top of me - or the natural way they grab my hand as we walk someplace - will likely only continue for a small portion of their lives. Sometimes I'm grateful that my body will one day again only be my own. And sometimes it feels sad to consider it.

Antidote

Yesterday was a lovely day (despite the stresses of work and world), in which I got to go to the Museum of Science and Industry with my 2 kids. They explored, they got their hands on different things (appropriately), they let me lead them to places they hadn't been before. We had a wonderful couple hours (that were also free except for parking)!

After the museum, we met up with my cousin Karin, who has a special relationship with my kids. I'm glad to have time with her too, but it was a particular blessing that she moved here to start classes at the same time I went back to work and was able to watch my kids one day a week for the first six months. I miss seeing her regularly, but both kids seem to easily fall back into trusting and loving her. As I think anyone would.

I get Thursdays alone with my kids this year. No appointments, no classes. No responsibilities to others. It's also the last year that both boys will not be in 5-day-a-week (full day!) school. So, I'm trying to get out and do things that are bit more far-flung or time consuming. Last week we went raspberry picking and then to a playground. I should maybe make a list of adventures so that we can keep it up.

Where It Comes From

It's no secret to me that my stress picks up when world events become more chaotic. Or, when I have a conversation with a particular person at work. Both happened this week. Although I try to let the conversation go, I continue to have memories of responses that I would edit if I could. I don't think I was inappropriate, I just know that this particular person doesn't always see what I'm saying, and sometimes tells other people about what she thinks is true. Add in a dash of financial stress (and a vendor who is trying to get more money for services we do not think were given) and work is not my favorite place right now.

These are the days when this role really has to be about something other than what makes me happy - or what I want to be doing. It is a call. I do believe this place is doing good, despite the challenges.

Signs of Stress

I know I'm stressed when I start daydreaming about what I would do, or what life would be like in an apocalyptic event. Or, if zombies came. Or, even if we were forced to be refugees.

Just this moment I looked down at my clothing - pajamas with a random shirt thrown on for warmth -  and thought - well, that wouldn't be warm enough, and is more colorful than I usually go.

Other times I've thought that if there was time, I'd load up our double stroller to take with us. When kids were in diapers, I'd make sure they had a bunch of diapers. When my youngest was nursing, I was relieved that at least he would have food (as long as I could get enough water).

I don't need to go into what is feeding my stress, only that this is one of those signs to me that it's level is creeping up.

Wrapping Up (and Reading)

Have I missed anything? Probably. There are many other things for which I am thankful.

This month it often felt like a task to write and explain each topic of thankfulness. I am glad that I've done it - and I may very well do it again. There were even times during this month that I wondered if I would continue to do this into Advent/December/maybe more. But, while I'd like to try to post more frequently - working out what I'm thinking- I don't think I'll do it with an extended theme regularly.

I would much rather spend my time reading than writing. I love stories - especially stories that invite me to use my imagination or that I can get into a new world for an extended period of time. I'm thankful for books, whether paper or electronic, and for the times I'm able to squeeze some reading into my life.

Mom and Dad

For November 29th, 2018

My parents are coming for the weekend to celebrate the kids' birthdays. And, it's recently been decided that they are going to come for Christmas too! I am so excited for both of these visits. While there are always challenges to more bodies in a small space, I am always thankful for the times my parents are able to come and be with us.

I'm also thankful for the ways in which our relationship has evolved. There are still times when, at my request, they offer opinions, suggestions and help. But, they are careful in how they parent at this time in our lives. They may ask a question, but with little intention of directing my actions. I know I am not so pure of intention with all of my questions, but they sure seem to be. The still parent when called upon, but mostly just love and care.

The last few years have been difficult to have much of any adult conversation with them. Really, it's been difficult to have any kind of adult conversation with anyone. I often don't know what's going on in their lives and don't have a lot to share with them other than kid-related things. There are times, though, when we're able to get into some of those deeper conversations - and those conversations with these particular people help me see myself better - and to be grounded.

I am always thankful for my parents.

Eye Crinkles

Yesterday I noticed I have eye crinkles - aka smile wrinkles fanning out from the corner of one's eye. I'm not actually sure how long I have had them, but I definitely have them now.

I remember noticing certain people's eye crinkles when I was younger - and loving them. Loving that it meant the person had smiled and laughed (or maybe just squinted a lot). I wanted to have some too.

And now I do. And, I'm glad (and thankful).

Laurie Berkner

When I knew I was pregnant I went searching for new kids music to play and sing and dance with my kids. I didn't really find anything new - or danceable. The words I used to search were probably off. Anyway, somehow in the last 4 years I heard a musician named Laurie Berkner - and in this last year especially my kids cannot get enough of her.

There are some songs that both boys sing along to (David with sounds, Gabriel with words). We searched out a timpani earlier in the year because one is used in one of her songs. One of her songs begins with a countdown: 5...4...3, 2, 1 - Blast Off - which I often use to get my kids moving.

I can only handle so much of most kids music, but her music is fun and peppy and easy to listen to for hours on end. She plays a kid show at Ravinia each year, and we got to go this year. It was well worth it and I'm betting we'll go again.

I recently bought her Christmas album from about 5 years ago. One of the songs sings, "Christmas is coming..." It was on and Gabriel was singing it as we started up the stairs to get ready for bed. He excitedly turns to me and yells - "THIS SONG IS RIGHT! CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"

I am thankful for Laurie Berkner.

Snow Day

Today is a SNOW DAY!

Because of a restless kiddo, I only slept until 3:30. Lately I've had a difficult time falling back to sleep afterwards. This time, at least part of the reason why I was too restless to fall asleep again was because of my excitement about the snow.

Now it's pretty gusty out - and there are blizzard warnings (which I'm pretty sure is why the schools ended up closing), but I'm still going to try to get us all bundled up after breakfast to go out and play. And maybe again later in the day too.

I also have a couple of craft ideas for us to work on as well.
We have been home for the last 4 days for Thanksgiving, but for some reason I'm not feeling like we're going to struggle with being home for another day. I'm looking forward to the adventure of today. And, for that, I am thankful.

Sundays Off

One of the perks of my current gig is that I get one Sunday off a month. Often this Sunday has gotten used for traveling or an event, but sometimes (like today) it will allow me to worship with my family.

Neither of my kids are very easy to handle in worship. And, as previously mentioned, Pablo superhumanly does it himself a couple times a month. I like these opportunities for us to be one-on-one with our kids and for me to get to help one pay attention (often I have Gabriel), whispering what is going on up front. 

Plus, it gives me the opportunity to hear another preacher - to hear the words of institution spoken for me. For these moments, I am thankful.

Spontaneity

For November 24th

My life has not had a lot of room lately for spontaneity. The extent has been with Gabriel has suggested we stop at a park or when I've decided we should head somewhere after naps for about an hour.

Yesterday, an acquaintance who I run into more than others, posted in a group wondering if anyone could meet up for lunch or dinner and because I was trying to plan a solo Target trip, I was able to make it happen. It was a lovely conversation and nice time away.

Today (and yesterday), I'm thankful for the growing ability to be spontaneous. Something that having children (especially children with food allergies) makes less easy.

Siblings and Their Families

While distance separates me from my siblings - and I see them only a couple times a year, I am so thankful for the relationship we have grown into as adults. And, I am thankful for their significant others and for my nephew.

I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and nephew, along with my parents, in just a week! They will get to come for our boys' birthday party and spend the weekend. We got to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law in California in October. And, we will all gather together sometime after Christmas (exactly when has yet to be determined).

My siblings are now, especially, two of the people who I know will almost always understand me when I need to talk through something. They are thoughtful, generous and fun. They each are very in touch with their emotions, and are able to acknowledge them and talk through them when it's helpful.

I do really wish we lived closer to each other and could see each other more - maybe even get together just the three of us from time to time. But, for now - we relish the time we do have together and send lots of messages and videos to keep us in tough.

Thanksgiving Traditions

On this, the day of Thanksgiving, my idea for a post I'd like to write feels complicated. Both because it's not completely clear about what it is I'm thankful for and also because my emotions are not completely clear.

Holidays and the meals/events that go with them have felt tough since joining my life with another person. They feel tough because I'd like to continue some of my own traditions, adopt some of his and to make some traditions together. And, I think we're likely doing that. So, for that I can be thankful.

What feels hard is that every family gathering that happens on the actual holiday is spent in what feels like someone else's traditions. We spend almost every holiday with his family - and understandably, they aren't trying to combine traditions with anyone else's - they're just doing what they always do.

And so, even when my family (me) hosts, the practices and traditions (even as simple as how you fill your plate with food) feel like they have to be fought for. So, my writing today is complicated. I guess I'm complaining that I don't get to celebrate the actual holiday with the warm feelings I'd like to. It feels like a negotiation - in which I'm the only one really trying to negotiate.

But, I am thankful at the same time. I'm thankful that together Pablo and I are creating traditions within our own family. I'm thankful for the traditions I have had growing up that I remember fondly and want to emulate. I'm thankful that we do have people close by with which we continue traditions - even if they are not my own.

Cooking

A reflection for Wednesday, November 21st.

I missed writing yesterday because, among other things, I was preparing for hosting Thanksgiving dinner. When I wasn't directly interacting with my kids, I was plodding away at steps to put together Thanksgiving dinner for 7 adults and 2 kids. I enjoy all of this planning, shopping, and the art of cooking.

I mostly follow recipes - and am often trying new ones. But, as our family's allergy needs and palates have changed, I've developed a number of "go-to" recipes that I don't need to do as much studying to prepare for. Sometimes I can even be at the grocery store, think about possibly making a particular dish, and pick up everything I need for it without the recipe or a list.

It has taken me a while to feel comfortable with cooking - even though I've wanted to be good at it and comfortable with it. I still have regular misses. But, as I expand my menu I've had more hits.

I should also note, I am grateful that we have food readily accessible and that, with the allergies we have, we are able to afford the more-expensive alternatives that allow for pretty equivalent substitution.

As I write this, I realize I would name cooking as a hobby. And, for a hobby that I enjoy and that helps me feed my family, I am thankful.

The Opportunity to Be Something In Addition to "Mom"

Today is Tuesday - the day the boys go to daycare and the day I get to spend a good amount of time doing the work I get to do. Today, I'm spending more time in the office than normal - because I have this Sunday off, so I won't have to be working on a sermon later.

Sometimes Tuesdays are hard because the boys, while well cared for and fine once we get there, are not always thrilled with having to go to daycare. Those hard times of getting us all out the door also help me appreciate that this work that I get to do lets me be more than mom for some time. I get to come and be something that I was prior to being a mom (with different people, but the work is similar). I get to regularly experience a little bit more of the wholeness of who I am and get to create and use my brain differently than I do when consumed by trains and board books and playing Batman and Robin.

And, honestly, sometimes I'm just grateful that it's someone else's responsibility to take care of my kids for a minute.

Another day, when this isn't about thankfulness, I'd like to write a bit about what it's been like rediscovering who I am as a pastor - and how that is held with who I am as a mom. That could take a while though.

Today, I am thankful that I do get the opportunity to flex a different skill set a couple times a week.

Gabriel's Teachers (and others)

Today Gabriel had a hard day at school. The only way I know is that his teacher stopped me when I was picking him up to tell me about it. He had two incidents where his emotions were on the surface and he had to be calmed - which may be normal at home, but according to his teacher is not normal there. In each case a different teacher was a calming, comforting presence. Allowing for his emotion, assuring him that everything was alright.

Afterwards, as I was explaining things to Pablo, I realized I wasn't positive what had actually happened in the second incident, so I sent an e-mail and was assured that everything was accidental (and in response to my concern, that it was completely fine if I e-mailed).

I am grateful for these kind, sensitive, level-headed (and fun) teachers. There are others too that have been in Gabriel's and David's lives and I'm especially grateful for a couple of David's daycare teachers as they've loved on him, made sure that all is safe in regards to allergies for him and have created a warm classroom.

While I sometimes feel jealous of other people when they're getting to spend time with my kids (that I'm paying to do so) I am so grateful for these women.

Pablo

The other night I saw a Facebook friend of mine had done one of those quizzes where you ask someone questions. Often I see them in relation to children - asking things like "who is your best friend?" and "what is your favorite food?" Questions that might mark some maturing, but also could change before you're done with the quiz.

The quiz I saw this time was to ask one's significant other. So, just for fun I asked Pablo these questions. As I asked the questions I grew more and more amazed. I was surprised by some of his answers - surprised because they were more true than the ones I would have given. Near the end I exclaimed, "Wow! You really know me!"

Life as parents with young kids who require constant entertainment - and who don't fall asleep before 9 and are up before 6 - means we have little time together. And, the one-on-one time we do have is often crammed in - there isn't time to just ease into conversations or do a lot of just "being." There's an intensity to the time we set up to focus on us - date nights or time stolen while the kids are at daycare - after we've both gotten home from work.

It's not uncommon for one of us to say, as we're getting into bed, "I was going to tell you something, but now I can't remember what it was." We text throughout the day - share pictures and make lists of topics - but still details slip through the cracks. We try, though. And most of the time whatever it is either is remembered eventually - or probably wasn't all that necessary to share anyway.

All this is to say, our relationship in this season of life is definitely different than it was 6 years ago - the night that Pablo proposed to me in his kitchen (prior to our Vegas trip). And yet, I am so very grateful for Pablo in my life and that he is the partner with whom I get to navigate decisions and challenges, joys and opportunities. He is thoughtful, curious, an excellent father, observant (much of the time), likes to make me laugh and is supportive of my dance in figuring out who and what I'm going to be. And, even when it doesn't always feel like we're connecting, I'm reminded that he knows me - and loves me. And I love him.

Gabriel

My baby is 4-years old today! The last few days Pablo and I have been remembering where we were at that moment 4 years ago. It's amazing to think of that tiny baby that I was just starting to get to know 4 years ago is now my smart, stubborn, funny, loving kid.

We enjoy talking and learning about so many things. High on his list of interests are Batman, dinosaurs, baseball, trains, snow, cars (cars, cars), cooking, biking and running, and stickers. He's full of compassion - but also sometimes struggles with seeing that what he is doing might hurt someone.

He loves tv - right now Ummizummi is on while I write this. But, he's not very interested in watching a movie and gets frightened by many movies that are for kids.

He pays attention to everything and will repeat back song lyrics or phrases that he heard only once or twice. He enjoys being read to - and we've started to read some simple chapter books. We had his school conferences last Monday and learned that he's right where he should be - plays independently and with imagination. Plays well with others (as well as is expected) and participates in class.

Pablo and I are so proud to be his parents. I pray that his imagination, creativity and compassion continue to grow and that I can help foster his development in various areas well. Today, a bit out of nowhere at lunch he said, "I love you mom, I love you dad." He loves - and is loved - very much.

Kindness

The topics of these posts really highlight what I spend the majority of my time doing and thinking about: parenting and my family. I talk about this being a season of life, and I do believe that we are in a particularly time-and-energy-consuming period of our kids' lives. It will not always be this consuming.

However, today I am thankful for kindness of people who are either a stranger or who I do not know well. I got to be the parent helper in Gabriel's class today and one of the other moms made sure to tell me how smart he is. More importantly, though, she told me that her daughter, who started school late, said that Gabriel is one of her best friends and that he said hi and was friendly to her right away. So - awww, yes, my kid is learning kindness. But also, what kindness of that mom to make sure I knew about that.

Another example of kindness: we had to pull over to the side of the road yesterday because Gabriel and I failed to make sure there was enough empty bladder space for the 15-minute ride home. Anyway, I was pulled over in a bit of an out-of-the-way place, with my hazards on for about 3 minutes. I was getting Gabriel back in the car when another car pulled up and a woman offered help - assuming something was wrong with my car.

Sometimes it feels like it's hard to find kindness - so I'm grateful for three examples shows to me in the last couple days.

My Children's Joy

Every single day I get to hear giggles coming from my two boys. Tickles, jokes, pure joy while running, playing, singing, dancing.

Today we got to go and play in snow as it fell and gathered on the ground. Gabriel can be mischievous as he grabs snow and launches it towards me, laughing as he does so. He gets incredibly excited sometimes and just cannot hold back a squeal of glee. He can be intense in all he does, but especially in having fun.

David is almost always good natured and really has fun if he's doing whatever everyone else is doing. He loves to jump - especially at gymnastics - and run, chasing after his brother.

These kids are just enjoyable to be around ( usually), and certain bring so much joy to each day.

Cuddletime

Almost every night I get to cuddle with Gabriel - and he will ask to sometimes when we're reading or watching tv. He definitely wants us to as he's falling asleep. It sometimes means he has a hard time when he wakes up in the middle of the night, but we're working on that.

While David has often been the better sleeper of our two kids, that hasn't been true the last few months. He's often gotten up in the middle of the night - and unlike Gabriel, who usually just wants company, David is ready to get up and go. 

Today he woke up at 5, but instead of being insistent that he start playing or watching tv, he snuggled into me and snoozed for about an hour and a half. I tried to get him back in his crib during that time, but he wasn't having it. And so, today I am thankful for cuddles with my boys.

Childcare

I was very much against sending my kids to daycare. I didn't want the germs. I didn't want my kids to feel like I was trying to get rid of them (that's my own issue, I understand that). I wanted to be the one attending to each day's emotional, physical, social and mental development. But, then....work....

My boys go to daycare (at the same place where Gabriel attends preschool and David will start in January) one day a week. These last two weeks David has had a small fever the day before, so I've had to keep him home, but daycare worked with me and I was able to bring him each of the Fridays following, while Gabriel was at preschool.

Today there is a "Thanksgiving Feast" for all the kids. Parents are invited, but I'm not going to be going. I made sure to verify that David would still have his allergy meal - so he wouldn't end up having a reaction or not have anything to eat. But, because I've taken it for granted that the meals at daycare are nut free, I didn't think about whether the catered Thanksgiving meal would be nut free until I dropped Gabriel off.

As I searched for the director to verify, so assured me that it was definitely nut free.

They have been so accommodating for us - which I would hope they would be for anyone with allergies. But, also, they have accommodated our one-day-a-week schedule. They've allowed me to switch when something has come up on our one day (as long as there has been room). Most of the teachers/caregivers are wonderful!

Although David sometimes doesn't eat much while he's there, he always seems to have a good time. His teachers report him to be happy and easy-going. When I come to pick him up he's usually having a great time (once he was still sleeping after nap - when everyone else was up, but that was one of the days he was getting sick).

Gabriel sometimes seems a little shy when I drop him off - and sometimes when I pick him up he's definitely just playing by himself, but then he reports playing with some specific kids and excited about what they do and say. And, maybe he is just enjoying what he's playing with? He also has gotten really excited when we see other kids outside of daycare, but shy when we approach to say hi.

And yes, they have been exposed to a few more germs. But, we make it through - and the next time they don't suffer as much.

I am grateful to have this good solution to our childcare needs.

Coffee

So far my thankfulness topics have been pretty serious. I do have a lot to be sincerely thankful for - and there is more yet to come. But, today, I am thankful for hot coffee.

I used to be able to drink 4 cups a day, and I'm sorry to say that that no longer feels great to me. But, I do relish my 2, sometimes 3 cups, each morning.

I love the feeling of drinking coffee. The warmth that goes from the cup to my hands as I hold the cup, preparing to sip. The feeling of the warm drink moving down my throat into my stomach comforts me.

I like the taste of coffee. And, for the most part I like it black. Every once in a while with a little bit of cream. Every once in a while with a little sugar - but only when it's really thick.

I like the caffeine in coffee and for the most part like the burst of energy - that borders on jitteriness when I drink too much.

And, I like my favorite cup. It makes me laugh. A great way to start the day.

Parenting Partner

Today - and every day - I am so grateful for my partner in life...and most obviously now, my partner in parenting. Many weekends, parts of Saturdays and Sundays mean that Pablo takes on the stay-at-home parent lifestyle. And, he easily navigates all that is required to care for (and entertain) our boys.

I'm especially grateful for this on Sundays. It's not easy bringing two busy young kids to worship by oneself. Especially when the other parent is up front. While it's not part of his own practice, Pablo brings the boys twice a month to worship - even as that means he essentially brings the boys for about 10 minutes of doing what most of us think of as worship - and the other 40 minutes (we have short services) chasing after the boys heading in two different directions.

I do feel that pang of wanting to sit with my boys, whispering guidance and explanation to them throughout the service. But, even as I can't be that person, I am so very glad that Pablo is up for the task of herding and parenting that makes it possible for me to do my work and the boys to grow up in the church.

A Little Bit Of Work

I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. At one time I thought I knew. I thought I wanted to be a senior pastor of a large church, with support staff. I thought I wanted to set the vision and handle the pressure of being "it" when it came to a large congregation.

That is not what I want to do with my life.

I thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home parent through my kids' elementary years. I knew that would be a negotiation and a balance, and that I might not be able to do that financially. But, I thought I'd like to consider it. But, at this point I can honestly say that now that is not what I want to do with my life.

I do want to parent. And to be flexible. And to use my brain and energy in a job outside the home. And do fun things with my kids. And be able to be home at nights with my family. And get to do a thing for myself. 

Right now, I am so thankful for the flexible work position I am in. I work about 15 hours a week (it was supposed to be aiming for 10-12, but that's not quite working out) and my main responsibilities are worship and pastoral care. (I'm ending up teaching 8 classes of Confirmation too - but that's just this year.)

I am getting to do some of the work that I love to do, and I am getting to be home with my kids the majority of the time. I have gotten to take them to classes and at the same time have a day they go to daycare and I can work on my other responsibilities.

The ability for me to have this flexible of a schedule - and for the church to only pay for this limited of a pastoral presence - will come to an end at some point in the next two years. But, I am grateful for this piece that is bridging my parenting-of-toddlers time. I am grateful that I have this time to dabble in what I'm trained in, what I have loved to do in the past - but that I have questioned more recently whether it's what I want to do. 

At some point I'll have to set the new direction of what I'll do. And maybe it will be in the same direction it was before. But I'm glad for this time of in-between - that I don't need to know what I'm going to do with my life....just yet.

Democratic Dissent

November 9th - I'm thankful for the ability to do something when I disagree with the decisions people in power make. I'm not always sure what difference my actions make, but I do feel that the right to call congresspeople and to peacefully protest matters in the big scheme of things. Even if it is just to shift the culture - slowly, but surely.

These last few years I have wanted to be part of the swell of voice calling for justice - showing that there is support behind a number of issues. But with my first responsibility to be the care and safety of my two young ones, I've not been able to show up to many events. However, the boys and I participated in their first peaceful protest on Thursday. There was a call for a rapid response to actions of our current president and many people gathered in large cities and not-so-large cities to name that his actions were not right. ("Protect Mueller" was the hashtag/theme). 

A group in our town, that I think of as being a place of privilege that means many are sheltered from the effects of injustice (which may be a completely unfair assessment), held a small rally. I'd say there were about 50 people who marched around Cook Park with signs and chanted. I didn't really talk about it with the boys beforehand - I barely knew we'd be going until we left the library hearing the group around the corner. I'm not sure what they got from it, but I'm thankful that I could be part of something.

And, I'm sure that as they get older we will have the opportunity to make our voices heard again and again.

David

As I write, I do so with my almost-2-year-old, David, in my lap. We shall see how much I can actually type and how much he takes over the keyboard.

Because of colds and fevers, I have had some extra one-on-one time with him in the last couple weeks. Even as a child who can't communicate fully and isn't feeling well, he is a sweet boy. He's curious and determined. The last two months his favorite phrase is "I do dat" sometimes said after he has done something, sometimes as he is insisting that he do it.

He loves to play with his big brother - and tries to keep up as best as he can. He also can easily spend a good deal of time playing by himself. When we go to do something we don't often have to worry about his disposition or whether he will have fun, because he goes with the flow....except when it comes to getting in his carseat.

I say that even as he readily asserts his opinion. He wants to do things for himself. He prefers dad to put him to bed. He will rarely try a new food item, and along with his pickiness we struggle with feeding him because of allergies. He is ready to play at school when we drop off Gabriel (and will start after he turns 2). 

I am thankful for this precious child - for the love he gives and the love I get to give. For his part in our family - and for all the ways in which he does and will bless the world. 

Local Friendships - A Work in Progress

I do not think I'm alone in the experience that making friends outside of school and work can be tough and slow-moving. I am so incredibly grateful for the friends I have that span the country, but making and developing a local community seems to be never-ending work.

Having moved to this particular area 5+ years ago now I am thankful for the slow but sure creation and deepening of local friendships. Now, most of my friends are other moms of young children - and so they tend to be 5-10 years younger than myself. But, slowly some of my acquaintances are developing into friendships, and I am grateful. 

**This post made possible by "SuperWings" on Netflix. 

Health Care

David has been sick with a minor temperature (100.5) the last two Tuesdays, which is the one day the boys go to daycare so I can work. My task then is to either try to cram my work into evenings, weekends and newly nonexistent nap times, or for Pablo to take a sick day. Today, Pablo will work a ½ day, and I will work a ½ day.

David has had his share of colds/fever, and pretty much handles it like a trooper. Gabriel gets coughs after colds that are tough enough to lead to vomit. Both have allergies that are bordering on scary (with the possibility of an anaphylactic reaction), but have so far not encountered anything that has caused much more than a hospital visit, allergist appointments and careful food intake.

We are so so fortunate to have good medical care. I can't help but realize the basic human right of good health care as a privilege as we hear the news of a caravan of people heading to the United States seeking asylum. The caravan including young children, young women giving birth along the route and families started in Honduras and gained travelers along the way. I cannot imagine needing to pick up with so very little to attempt to start a new life somewhere.

I am especially mindful of health as people along the route have generously offered food and clothing - and one picture I saw was of kind people making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. My kids (and me) would not be able to eat those offers of nourishment. If we were in that caravan, I'm not sure how our boys, especially David, would be nourished.

This is a post of thankfulness - for the wonderful health professionals who care for our kids (we especially love our allergist, and have grown to greatly trust their pediatrician), and for the relative place of privilege that we are able to tend to the needs of our kids.

Home, part 2

On the second day of Daylight Savings, my little loves gave to me - an early morning. As is to be expected, David was up at 5:15 and Gabriel by 5:45. It could be worse, and since my body clock takes longer to reset, it doesn't feel too bad.

I am thankful for a comfortable home that make early mornings cozy and sweet. Cuddling on the couch - sometimes with the tv on - is not a hard way to wake up.

I may not have chosen this particular house (moving in when I married Pablo), but there are so many pieces to it that make it comfortable, functional and home. When we met with our realtor for one of the first times she said something about it being hard to leave some of the amenities that we have - and as we look at other homes, it is true that we are more particular as we look at houses we'd like to make our home.

So, I'm thankful for the house structure we have - even as I seek a slightly different one. But more than that, I'm thankful for the place that houses our family - that keeps us warm or cool - comfortable. I'm thankful for the space for the boys to run (in circles) and the place to lay our heads. I'm thankful for all that makes this place our home.

The Work of a Few

It's daylight savings time - with an extra hour of cuddle time instead of sleep. Most people would have this anyway on a Sunday. I get it today because now I get ready for work.

Today - and so many days - I am thankful for the members of the congregation I am serving as part-time interim pastor. I work between 10-15 hours a week in a job most people have a hard time limiting to 40. Of course, there are many things I do not do - but that means that others pick that up.

In particular, I am thankful for the council president/musician/property manager and the preschool director who really ends up making sure everything for the church is done. Without these two faithful women, this congregation would not be functioning.

I will write another time about how grateful I am for this opportunity to dabble my toes in ministry while also being a mostly-full-time mom. But, it would not be possible without the hours of work Lynn and Kathy put into the church.

Also, it means I barely think about building things. I don't have to respond when a light bulb needs changing in the stairway or the air conditioner goes out. Honestly - with my job being focused on worship - I have often forgotten about changing paraments and other worship-space-related things - because Kathy just makes sure they're done. (She's not the only one who does it...but if it's not done she makes sure it gets done.)

This week, I haven't been into the office because of a sick child on my one day dedicated to work, so I'll go in a little early. But, I'm not really worried about what I will find. Such a gift. Such faith. So thankful.

Joyful Shabbat

I am thankful for the experience I had last night.

A week ago, in Pittsburg, 11 people were murdered while attending a ceremony at Tree of Life Synagogue, by a gunman shouting antisemitic rhetoric. My congregation prayed for Tree of Life, and our local Jewish Congregation (Or Shalom), and I was so glad when after my initial e-mail indicating that our prayers were with our siblings at Or Shalom, we were invited to join in a show of solidarity by attending their Friday evening Shabbat service.

What a joy-filled, hope-filled service! They had to open up the worship space to allow for twice as many chairs (it seemed to me). The music was phenomenal. Not only because of the Cantor and the musician (although they were amazing), but because those who regularly attend Shabbat were singing along whole heartedly.

I sat in between a group from a local UU church and a Lutheran/Presbyterian clergy-couple and their kids. In front of me were 4 young girls - around 3rd or 4th grade - who were so intent in following along with the service (much of which is in Hebrew) that they were each bent over a service book with a finger on the spot. One girl kept turning around asking for my help about where they were (I was trying to follow along too).

Behind me were a number of congregation members in their 70s and 80s. I overheard one say, "This is bigger than Rosh Hashanah." And they sang along with gusto.

I met a local imam - who looks to be younger than me and has a young son. I met a few other interfaith colleagues. We sang a Matisyahu song (One Day) and Keep Your Eyes On the Prize by Pete Seeger.

The congregation offered wine and cookies afterwards (although I felt I needed to go home). And, I noticed a police presence as we left. I don't know for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if that is a regular necessity.

This was certainly not a 5-minute post, there is too much to share.

My reflection of thankfulness is for the rabbi and his congregation who invited me and other interfaith friends in and shared their hope in the face of death. What a gift of faith - of hospitality - of courage.

Home

We are in the midst of trying to sell our townhouse to move to a single family house. We could use a little more room - a larger play area inside, an extra bedroom for when my family or other out-of-town guests visit. We also would very much enjoy a yard in which we can play, garden, hang out.

It is a bit stressful to have our house on the market - to be show ready. So, we took it off for a few months. And, it has been nice to fall back into a less strenuous cleaning routine. We are still cleaning - just not too worried about the fingerprints on the windows, or whether all of the toys are put away exactly where they are supposed to.

In some ways, going off the market feels like coming home. While life with a toddler and preschooler is not necessarily restful, it's a bit more relaxing now that we're not as worried about others coming to examine our house. 

So - I certainly have more to write about "home." But, today, my thankfulness is that we have some time to let it be our home - and not worried about someone else wanting it as their home - for a little bit.

Thankfulness

The first of November. Some of my Facebook friends will be posting about something they are thankful for each day. I'm not so sure I'm wanting to be that public in my attempt - but I would like to participate in the practice. 

A different Facebook friend took the month of October to write 5 minutes every day with a prompt. I'm going to combine these two efforts and try to sit down for 5 minutes every day in this space to write about some aspect of thankfulness. Whether it's something/one for which I'm thankful - or the other emotions thankfulness brings out in me. 

Tonight, for the remainder of my 5 minutes (about 2 minutes worth), I'm going to just name possible writing topics or words upon which I'll focus.

Perhaps I'll write about: home, love, Pablo, Gabriel, David, Mom, Dad, my siblings, their spouses, my nephew. Perhaps I'll write about work: the dabbling I get to do, sermon preparation, time away (once/month), teaching, colleagues, time away (part 2 - away from my mom-work). Perhaps I'll talk about feeling warmth, joy, peace, contentment and even frustration. 

I may touch on all of these, or only some - and I'm sure there will be others. But, my 5 minutes is up. Hopefully, until tomorrow....

Amy

S'more

Written on March 6, 2017 

I've had some version of S'mores 3 times over this past weekend. The first was the new girl scout cookie (not Samoas, but described by the girl scouts as "Crunchy graham sandwich cookies with creamy chocolate and marshmallowy filling"). The other was an amazing S'more cheesecake at a "night in" with other moms that one of the other women made - the recipe can be found here. So amazingly delicious. And the third S'more was out to dinner with my family on Saturday night at a wonderful chocolate-themed restaurant nearby with a perfect little S'more dessert - with a little bacon sprinkled around it. 

To all three I would definitely say, "I'd like S'more!"

Today is my 40th birthday. Forty years on this earth. 20 years ago my birthday celebration was in the basement of my dorm where I was an RA. (I'm sure there were other festivities, but that is where we had cake). When I turned 30, I think I held a coffee house party in my apartment in Bay View. Forty's celebration will be a bit different - both now and not yet. Pablo took me out for a wonderful dinner with the boys on Saturday (where I had the third S'more dessert). My friends and family are wishing me happy birthday today, and those who are in the habit of doing so are giving me presents. But, with an almost-three-month old I decided that I would wait to hold any kind of gathering until the baby was a bit older and the weather a bit nicer. So, I'm intending to have a BBQ at a local park sometime in May or June. 

Maybe it's because I know there's something else to come. Maybe it's because I am exhausted trying to keep up with my 2-year-old and newborn. Maybe I'm 

*This is where the post ended.....obviously awaiting s'more. But, it's over 1 ½ years later, so I'm not even going to try to finish it. And still, I'll publish.

Ashed

My newborn and I made it to Ash Wednesday worship last night while my husband put our 2-year-old son to bed. Last year my older son and I attended an Ash Wednesday service at noon at a congregation I've supplied at about ½ an hour away. I remember feeling a little panicky when I watched my 15-month-old receive the ashes on his forehead. Panicky because this was about death - life too, definitely. But the reality that what we are now will whither away. That I cannot protect my kids from pain and suffering, sin and death.

As a pastor, the privilege of placing the ashes on my beloved congregation members' foreheads was moving. I was immersed in what those ashes meant and also was well-aware of how much could change in a year. I was especially moved when placing the ashen cross upon the foreheads of folks with illness or extreme old age. Especially moved as I placed the cross on those who mourn (a mother of a 20-something year old son and a widower who couldn't imagine his life without his recently deceased wife come immediately to mind). I know I placed that cross upon infants and toddlers heads, but the only emotion I really remember feeling was a sweet love for that young life.

Last year's panic took me by surprise. This year, holding my 2 ½ month old, who had just been baptized 10 days earlier, I teared up as well. But, this time the tears included an incredible trust and thankfulness in the promise of those waters washed over my young one's head.

I'm not sure that I can point to what was different for me from one year to another. But I do know that last night I had a feeling of God's presence that has been difficult for me to sense as I've worshiped with a toddler.

Options and Opinions

The baby has come - and I definitely have a lot to say about it. I've got stuff on my mind and don't want to play catch up. So, I'm diving right in.

I'm in the mommy camp of "if it works for you, don't sweat what other people say/think." Of course I recognize that there are some things that are safer than others - but we are all making a thousand decisions as they relate to our children every week and we can't really be second guessing everything we do - we'll go nuts!

I certainly felt this way about decisions when it came to giving birth. I wanted to have as few interventions as possible - hoping to give birth without a bunch of things connected to me or lots of chemicals in my system. Pablo and I took classes. We practiced. We made a birth plan. We talked about the continuum of what we would do if it were necessary. And then, my water broke and labor did not start. I needed an IV with antibiotics because I was positive for Strep B. After quite a bit of time with very little labor, I needed pitocin. And, then I was exhausted and got an epidural. Each of these was the right thing for us at the time. But, it wasn't my ideal. And honestly, I have no ** very little judgement when it comes to what any other person does in this situation.

It seems like this pattern continues into other areas. We are using cloth diapers - sometimes. We still have yet to use a cloth diaper over night. And, there are days that we just put a disposable on because it's easier. And, I don't care what decision other parents make.

So far, I am making all of my son's food - until I don't. There will be a time, I'm sure, when I just don't have time or make the decisions that it's easier to buy something at the store rather than make it myself. (We're also thinking of doing Baby-Led Weaning, but at the recommendation of G's allergist, we have already started to introduce some foods to test for allergies. Since he's not yet 6 months, we've been doing purees.)

All of this is to say, I get that this parenting thing is fluid. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you and your child at the time. As a lactation specialist (whose job is to promote breastfeeding) said to us, "You're main goal is to make sure your child is fed." It isn't the end of the world if things don't quite go according to plan, as long as the needs of your child are being met. We learned that on Day 2 in the hospital - and gave our little tiny fussy baby formula because he was so hungry and wasn't getting much from me.

But, right now, I'm wishing there was a guaranteed step-by-step method to getting a child to sleep. Our little one was a decent sleeper from about 2 ½ months to almost 4 months. And now, as we approach 6 months, we are realizing that we need some way to help him fall asleep. There are so many different recommendations of what to do - but the one consistent seems to be that we should be consistent. So, we haven't started anything yet - how's that for consistency?

**I realize I have some opinions against convenience C-sections. If you are scheduling it so you can have your baby born on a special date or for some other non-medical timing issue, I have opinions.

And More Changes

A baby is coming! A baby is coming!

At 17 weeks, I'm still in the middle stage of seeing obvious changes (a rounder middle), but not yet feeling any movement from inside, and so sometimes actually wondering if I am really expecting.

(However, I didn't have much of that wondering during the first trimester - I was too busy feeling sick to wonder too much.)

Pablo and I are starting to look into what needs to be done and what needs to be purchased and it feels very similar to preparing for our wedding. We'd like things to be nice and functional, and there are some things we will want to do in spite of the economics of it (like the nicer chairs at the wedding - so not necessary, but in the end I'm really glad we sprang for the extra perk).

Yet, similar to the racket that the wedding industry can be (not every vendor is part of it, I know), it seems preparing for and birthing a baby has a similar racket. Do we really need all of the medical tests offered (we said no to most...but not all)? I assume the special dinner offered new moms and dads at the hospital (surf 'n turf and a bottle of champagne) is actually billed to our insurance in some way - is that really necessary? 

We've been told just say no to the wipe warmer, and the diaper genie expenses continue past just getting the device (special bags needed, I guess). I do want an ultra safe car seat, but that doesn't necessarily mean the most expensive. (I am feeling like that should be new, however, not used).

We are going to be looking for a lot of second-hand items. A neighbor's 3rd child is just 1 year old and she's going to be participating in our neighborhood garage sale, so I think we'll wander over there at some point. We plan to check out second hand stores and have gladly accepted donations of used books and maternity clothing for the time being.

These changes are both immediate and a long way off. It's fun to think about, and a little daunting because of how much has to change.