Isn't It Done Yet?

Here I am, supposedly writing before I head into work for some pastoral care visits and to put things in order for tomorrow and the next few days.

My writing deadline of Dec 31st approaches quickly, and I'm not halfway done. The editor called me a couple days before Christmas to see how I was doing, and basically told me that Dec 31st was not a hard deadline. Which meant that I have allowed myself to not reach it.

I have a few days left, but many of those will be with family, not spent writing. I allowed this entire week to be about Christmas and some relaxing. Yesterday I both went to the gym and went Cross-Country Skiing. Which I would not have done if I was paying attention to this project.

This is one of those things that I'm really glad that I am doing, but am going to be so relieved when it is over.

Much to do

As I'm making lists and checking them twice - of things to accomplish, not what others have done - I recognize my persistent folly.

Good intentions don't always lead to action.

Baby showers, wedding showers, RSVPs go unanswered.

Projects begun, small tasks that with some organization would take little effort, basic life jobs, are incomplete.

Jumping from one project to another, never having the patience to fully finish. Never feeling really accomplished. Always giving up one thing to move on immediately to the next. It's not over until events are done and time has passed. I can always do more.

Today, Christmas Eve service and sermon. Christmas Day. Christmas Cards. Forgo the gym. Possibly no leisure reading. A clean bathroom? What's that? Only 2 more days!

Snow Adventure

I'm sure some people would question my decision making. I can't, however, say that I did.

I started my morning with a frivolous escapade into the almost-foot of snow that fell last night. I had an appointment at 10am. I called and they were open, so I went. It took me 1/2 an hour to get out of the 1/2 block of my dead-end street. But, that didn't deter me.

And, I made it to my facial only 5 minutes late. Yep. I went through the trouble of making my car plow through a foot of snow to go to a facial. Ridiculous. Even a little ridiculous that I had a facial appointment in the first place. And yet, I am glad I went.

I brought exercise clothes with me, with the thought that I would stop off at my gym on the way back, but I also needed to drop by the post office. So, I went to the PO after the facial and decided to attempt to just go back home (shoveling to both get out and then back into my parking spot would be enough exercise I reasoned). However, my streets still were not plowed. So, after almost getting stuck at the intersection closest to my house, I decided to not to try to wade into my block again and went to the gym.

Finally, I decided to attempt getting back onto my block and this time it only took me about 15 minutes to get into my spot.

I rounded out my day with a nice bath and a baked sweet potato for lunch.

I love the snow. I love adventures in the snow. I love driving in the snow. It might not always be the smartest move to make, but this morning was perfect.

Fresh Air

Following this past weekend with my parents I feel like I let out a deep breath - a breath that I've been holding for a long time. I'm more grounded, happier, feel less frantic.

What was it? Could it have been the many projects they worked on in my house: putting plastic on my windows, fixing the thing that holds my shower head, fixing my kitchen faucet, replacing the missing screw that hold the smoke detector up....other than the window, nothing very major.

Could it have been my mom got to preparing meals and doing dishes before I could? I tried to be on top of things, but she just naturally jumped in. I felt really taken care of.

Was it the theological discussion with my dad? (We tried to liken the red bows we put on Christmas trees to creation - are the bows the purpose? or merely one part of a bigger purpose?). Was it that he helped me explore some texts that I'm needing to study?

Could it have been our own make-shift "day of listening" that NPR was promoting. We didn't record anything, but we engaged in some of the story telling and listening to one another.

I worked each day they were here, but we still had good time together. I don't have a whole lot else to write about....but I am feeling good - involved, busy - but not frantic. Like I've had a breath of fresh air.

Sorting it out

Yesterday and today have been/will be times when I've had to be grounded and non-anxious. I think I succeeded in that yesterday - and in 2 of the three times it was necessary, the event turned out like I would hope it would.

My point to this is to remind myself, that even when I do everything to my best ability, even when I enter into each situation with a good balance of an open spirit and preparation for my part of the situation, even when the intent is there....when working with people there is often an unknown - and there is a high degree of out-of-my-control-ness. When the raw materials are human beings (sounds so cold and calculating), the output is so much more complicated.

I struggle with what to name, what to claim, what to not take responsibility for, and what to discard. What can I learn out of each of those situations? Part of this comes out of my urge to fix the problems - to respond and work towards healthiness.

My task today (in addition to writing a wedding sermon, finishing a grant report and visiting someone in the hospital) is to find this balance - both in public and in private.

Off Balance

I've felt unbalanced lately. Not in the way that might require air quotes....although, maybe a little bit there too.

When I come home, I crash. But, I don't feel like I can truly rest because there is so much to do. And so I don't rest well.

I've been waking up in the middle of the night a lot. I'm worrying. About my work. About the world. About others. About my health (nothing for others to get worked up about...just the usual - exercise, what's going on with my eczema, etc.). About the future...mine and the world's. About how. much. I. have. to. get. done.

Some of these things I can control. Some I cannot. The thing about the control piece? It takes time. It takes time to get my work done. It takes time to do the dishes and pay the bills and read my book club book. It takes time to exercise and talk to people on the phone. And, it doesn't feel like I have time.

Except, I would have a little more time if I didn't come home so exhausted.

I know these aren't fun posts to read. So, thank you if you did. I have known for some time that sometimes I just need to know that someone else might hear my concerns - not to solve them, but to know where I am. At the very least, it's therapeutic for me.

And now, I'm going to go be quiet for a little while and read and then go to sleep. That will help my balance.

I CAN NOT WAIT FOR TONIGHT'S RESULTS!

The title of this post is all I really need to say. I've got all this nervous energy surrounding today and this election. So, I'm going to go vote, then go volunteer and then try to concentrate on my work (add to the nervous energy, it's the last day of work before a week of vacation.....like I'll get anything done anyway...)

Who Needs Sleep?

Apparently my body (and the environment in which it resides) doesn't think I really need much sleep. Multiple things woke me up this morning a mere 4 1/2 hours after I went to bed.

But, I wake up excited (and a bit chilly....I haven't turned my heat on yet).

I'm excited because as I work on my sermon this morning, it's feeling good. I'm excited because I'm participating in workshops that are helping me bring greater definition and clarity to what I'm called to - what I want. I'm excited because a few of my "folks" are getting the same workshops. I'm excited 'cause 'though I have some big things coming up - some things that bring me outside of my comfort zone - I'm honored to be asked to do them. I'm excited because I have vacation very, very soon. I'm excited because I actually stayed out later than 10 last night. I'm excited because I have good friends - and I've actually gotten to spend time with some of them.

I know, it doesn't take much sometimes :)

There are plenty of stressors right now. My health has given me some headaches (not literal headaches, but things I need to pay attention to). I'm hearing the same news everyone else is about the economy - and recognizing the impact that has on various people and institutions with which I'm involved. I'm still working too much.

But, the community, the friends, the good work that is being done, the belief that what I am doing is important, the promise of rest, relaxation, and concerts (!) (not to mention the hope I feel when I consider President Obama), is spurring me on. No wonder I can't sleep.

More Clarity

I realize that you, my dear friends who follow my blog, most likely understand where I was coming from yesterday. But, somewhere yesterday (between good conversations with ones who are dear to me and the first date I had) I discovered a little more clarity. I realized that it's not that I don't have deep relationships, you who read this blog and know me know that.

It's that I don't have any extra emotional energy. I can have all the physical energy in the world. I can be well-rested on a Friday, ready to participate in many adventures - or just sit down and have a meal, but I feel like I'm working with a limited supply of emotional energy that is often taken up in the work I do.

Sometimes I do have that emotional energy to invest. But, I haven't recently. So, what do I do with these decent date experiences with good guys who I just haven't been able to emotionally invest in?

Other than my continued quest to have a well-balanced life, not over-run with work, I don't know that there is anything to really do about this. But, it does make me feel better, in some ways, to recognize what it is in me that resists going deeper right away.

If only there was a switch

What causes spark and attraction? I'm feeling frustrated with myself because I wonder if somewhere in this last year (or 3, or 8) I just turned that off. Or, maybe it's never been turned on. Or, maybe I'm not very attune to it.

Or, maybe....

So many excuses. What it cuts to is that, though there seem to be many people I admire, respect, think are pretty great - there aren't many that I feel really drawn to. I want to be drawn in - but, like many things, this isn't something to force. But, could it be that I close it off when it could otherwise happen?

I've been in a mood lately, I recognize it's a phase. A not-fun phase. A searching for meaning phase. An over-worked phase. A not-very-thankful phase. A phase that will end when I get over myself.

This isn't something that is saying I'm not enough or I'm incomplete. But, I am feeling an absence of something deeper.

Would You Rather...

More than anything right now I'd like to snuggle down into my bed and read for an evening. Or, maybe I'd like to go to the Ron Sexsmith concert that a friend invited me to. Or, maybe I'd like to grab a beer with someone.

Instead, I'm sitting at home, attempting to write a grant. I have to do this because I sluffed something else off on a parishioner so that I could do this. I have to do this because it's due on Wednesday and I have a wedding, a couple education pieces, a devotion and regular Sunday morning activities to write as well.

Really, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing. Painting my toenails, calling a friend...there are about 6 that I've been meaning to call for a while now, cooking some vegetables, going for a walk, figuring out the doctor and eye appointments I should make soon, buying a gift, starting one of my 2 book club books, cleaning my bathtub, playing Word Twist (on Facebook), planning vacations, downloading my music so I can listen to it on my Ipod, wow - just now was the first pause in my writing.

I don't like who I am when I'm this busy and stressed. I don't like that I don't have as much energy to be with people or to listen. I don't like that it doesn't feel like I do anything well when I'm trying to juggle everything. I don't like that when I do finally finish something I have to move right on to the next thing. I don't like feeling always behind. I don't like that lately it's felt like my entire life is the work I do (she says, admittedly, after a weekend of a friend's wedding - at which I officiated, but it wasn't only work).

*Sigh* I need to get back to it. This was a good diversion. On to the grant.

EIGHT Dishes! (And one picture of an ingredient).

I have 8 - that's right EIGHT - dishes to blog about. So far this year I have made 47 vegetable dishes. Unfortunately, there are a total of 93 that I said I would make. I have just inched past halfway there. And, it's the end of the 3rd quarter. I'm going to keep working away at this. We shall see how I end up. Bring on the vegetables!

This is a very delicious "Fresh Corn, Black Bean, and Avocado Saladita" (pg 45). I'm not sure it was really worth it to de-cob corn...but it was totally worth making. Not only was it tasty, but it has protein!
This is a pesto made with Arugula and Pecans. Thus, it is called "Arugula-Pecan Pesto" (pg 5). I must admit, I have yet to taste this. I made it in time to give a majority of it to someone else and have yet to use it with anything myself. I may have to remake this one....though, if stored correctly, the pesto does keep for a good length of time.
This is not actually a recipe. For the next 2 recipes I used fresh mint out of my friend Miguel's garden. I think next year I'll be growing some of my own mint. It was delicious just to smell it!


With that mint I made "Zucchini-Mint Croquettes" (pg 126). I liked the taste of them, but I'm not sure I would want to eat more than 2 or 3. However, they're also fun to make...I must admit, I like to shred zucchini.The other minty recipe was "Southeast Asian-Style Eggplant with Chiles, Red Onion and Mint" (pg 54). I made only about a 1/2 recipe, and that was enough. I would not use this as a main dish, but as a side.
Tomatoes! These were tomatoes that were mostly donated to me by loving congregation members. I had actually been expecting more, but am certainly ok with not having to figure out what to do with them all ('though I do have 2 more recipes). This is "Gratineed Tomatoes" (pg 119). My book club was once again subjected to my experiments...and these were good - but after they sat on the table for a little while they were much less appetizing.
Red onions really really make me cry. It was almost impossible for me to keep working on this dish. But, it still turned out fine. This is really a simple dish with some surprising taste combinations. At the heart, though, is good ole broccoli, my friend. This is "Broccoli, Apples & Red Onion in Honey-Mustard Marinade" (pg 24).
Story time. As an RA in college I was on rounds when I smelled something like Pot. I ended up knocking on the door only to learn that the girls were taking part in a Native American ritual that involved burning sage. Making "Crispy Sage Leaves" (109) brought that all back to me. These were meh...not fantastic, not really necessary, really.

Oh my goodness, this next dish completely redeems the sage leaves. I liked it just as well plain, but putting the sage leaves on top did add something to it. This is "Spaghetti Squash with Carmelized Onions and Crispy Sage Leaves" (pg 108). Mollie Katzen recommends making a double batch - and if this were to be for more than 2 people, I agree. It was delicious!There it is. I hope to continue on this successful streak. I am really looking forward to more squash - and the broccoli dishes that will be coming soon.

Religion Vs. Faith

When talking about my job with people who aren't immersed in the church, I often get tongue-tied. I tend to not know whether to talk about faith or religion.

Faith and religion are tied to me, but not the same thing. When I talk with people not connected to the church, often the issue that gets most discussed is organized religion (and it's sin). I don't disagree with the assessment that organized religion causes pain. I don't disagree that sinful people run rampant within religious organizations. I don't disagree that religiosity sometimes breeds evil.

The challenge to me, especially when talking with those who have been hurt by organized religion in the past, is to affirm the sin that is there. But then to move into the faith aspect. It's difficult, though, for me to move from a criticism of organized religion to a lifting up of God's relationship with sinful humanity (and with me). I haven't found a good segue.

And, I'm not completely against organized religion. I think there is a purpose and a call to be community. Practically, I see the need for organization and the tendency (the only thing we know how to do to keep something functioning?) to institutionalize. Even with the sin it holds, I appreciate a certain level of institutionalization - especially if it's dynamic and reformable.

I'm figuring it out - with more and more practice. And, it's not always important to talk about everything. 'Though it is an important conversation to have...to open up that God does not equate church. That organized religion is not infallible. That God's hope for this world does not end in the church.

Price Per Share

Recently, I've had the urge to overshare. I suppose it's not the desire to overshare in itself, but I've felt like I've broadcasted parts of my life/opinions/unnecessary details far and wide.

Why did I make that joke? What possessed me to tell that life story to those people? Why did I get into that debate?

I wonder if there is some correlation between the general isolation I experience (living alone, often working alone in my office, eating by myself, exercising by myself, leaving places by myself even when I've been in a group) and my instinct to push details of myself off onto others. In two ways I see the impetus: 1) I have many random thoughts that I like to talk through, but since I'm by myself a lot I often don't get to. So, when they do come when I'm in the presence of people, I get to share. and 2) I do want people to know me.

Even though I don't think I've crossed any lines ('though I may have caused some to move their preconceived notions), I wonder what the cost of my blabbering is.

Beans, beans....no, literally - green beans.

August should be a fantastic month for cooking vegetables. Well....yeah. I have been. Just not recipes for the New Year's Resolution. Here are the dishes I have made in August. I suppose one a week isn't bad - but it's almost half as many as I would have liked.

Best Ever Green Beans Amandine (pg 68). I don't really remember these. I think they tasted fine. And, must not have been too difficult. Hmmm???


This dish, however, was stupendous - and fun and easy. This is Cauliflower and Red Onion Mustard Pickles (pg 42). They may not look like much, but they were tasty. I suppose it always helps to have things sit in mustard and vinegar.


I believe this was my favorite of the month...and perhaps of the summer. This is Beet-Avocado-Pear "Carpaccio" (pg 14). I only made enough for one serving originally, but I made this a couple more times because it was so good. Really just a fancy salad more than anything. And, candied walnuts are never a bad thing.

Finally, more beans. Because, I like beans. And, they're in season. This was basically a recipe that told me to do what I might normally do anyway. So, here you have "Dramatically Seared Green Beans" (pg 72). Perhaps the only difference is that I would have not added the garlic.

Motorcycles and Politics: Individualism and Traveling as a Pack

A Cynical Purge
I live just a few houses from a major thoroughfare. I very rarely hear any traffic noise - except....except for the motorcycles. (Well, and except for the airplanes, but that's due to the airport 2 miles from my house).

This weekend is the celebration of Harley Davidson's 105th Anniversary - and so, I am hearing motorcycles. The most entertaining part of this for me is that I have already seen multiple headbands/handkerchiefs littering the roads of my fair city (oh - or maybe I should say sexy city...Milwaukee was somehow rated sexiest city by the magazine Marie Claire).

I enjoy motorcycles. I understand why they're fun - or at least some of the reasons. But, right now I'm feeling disgusted by them. They are such an extravagance; I don't know many people who have one as their sole vehicle. Is there an argument for higher gas mileage? That might help my attitude.

I think I'm just feeling down about humanity in general. I really should feel elated - especially after Obama's amazing acceptance speech last night. But, the combination of the reminder that Milwaukee's poverty level is off the chart (apparently we lead the country in poverty and sexiness...we're only 2nd highest this year as the drunkest city) and the recognition that a large part of Americans really think it's their right to live extravagantly, brings me down.

I do believe that Obama will not raise taxes for 95% of working families - and stop tax breaks to companies that send jobs overseas. I do believe that Obama will lead others into individual responsibility and mutual responsibility - into caring for our brothers and sisters....and that will encompass economics, the environment, government programs, education and on and on.

But, I'm also feeling cynical. I'm feeling cynical because Senator Clinton was not visibly supporting the Democratic Party last night. I'm feeling cynical because a motorcycle can only hold 2 people - and really is all about individualism and freedom from the constriction of a boxy vehicle and the necessary rules that go with it. I'm feeling cynical because while motorcycles rally and candidates stump, people are suffering. And it's not even winter yet.

I'm not going to leave this here. There does need to be hope. There is hope. It comes in community for me - in people supporting each other - in the quest for dignity for all. I believe that is Obama's vision and that Biden strengthens that. But, beyond what (I hope and pray and have to believe) will be in a few months, community will support.

My congregation is blessed (somehow) with the presence of a homeless community who is seeking to pitch in. The people who organize and make our food pantry (where food is only given to those who aren't able to get it at other pantries because they have no permanent address); the people who organize and staff our clothing room; the people who often are putting the finishing touches on clean up after Soup Kitchen - are the people who start out by being served. Most of these volunteers sleep outside at night. There is sometimes a high turnover rate, but also a high rate of recidivism....in volunteering.

The newest idea is that those who can (who wander the streets, digging in the garbage cans, picking up metal), those who can (as a verb) - bring in one bag of cans a week that then are exchanged for cash and underwear be purchased with it for the clothing room. I love this. Because it truly addresses community - it creates a space for people to offer what they can, what they have. We haven't gotten further than brainstorming with this one, but it does give me hope.

And, I have to have hope that people will keep traveling in packs - that people will lift each other up to a greater vision of unity - that we will look out for each other and trust in something bigger than ourselves.

Alright. Cynical purge done.

Simple, and not-so-simple Gifts

It's been a day of gifts. Some very much appreciated, others not so much. But, a gift is a gift. And, I believe that I, for the most part received them graciously.

The day ended with a request for a hug. One of those unexpected requests. A hug that was really a sharing of the peace in many ways, but with one who respects my space as much as I respect his, and so it was strangely appropriate. He was just so happy - and needed to share his glee. He was happy because of opportunities: an upcoming trip; getting to volunteer with youth; being able to give some of our homeless folk an opportunity to be invested in our ministry (putting together our clothing room). It was a gift to share in his happiness.

Tonight I received tomatoes, chocolate, inappropriate (yet funny) offers to run with me (I was spotted on Monday on my run), the blessing of the glee of an older woman, concrete news from someone that our work is making a difference, the privilege of being asked to be a reference for a homeless woman, but most creepily, a doll. The doll is one of those collector type things. I hate dolls and stuffed animals. They creep me out. I don't know that I ever saw Chucky, but, it probably has something to do with that.

I also received the gift of good colleagues - in my morning text study, and in the Interfaith meeting I attend. It actually only took one - with whom conversation is not frequent enough - but who does care. We spent 1/2 an hour in the parking lot after the meeting.

In non-work life, I received the gift of two different invitations to hang out (well, I initiated one...but she responded in the affirmative. And the second was completely unexpected). Neither are pastors (yay!...you know I love my pastor friends, but variety is good). And both are highly educated and in fields that require a lot of responsibility.

This is long enough, but I received other gifts today too. It was one of those days. Some of the gifts I received with open arms. Some, I wasn't too sure of, but it turned out to be a good thing. Others I'd still like to get rid of. But, they are all gifts. No matter how much I would pick them out for myself.

Raw and Unapologetic Spiritual Processing

***Warning*** Spiritual Processing Ahead***Warning***

As many of you know, I'm overly-self-aware, highly opinionated (although, I don't believe oppressively so), an analyzer and sometimes have deep emotions about minor things. I often pay attention to my emotions and take a cue from them in helping me make decisions. I wouldn't say that I react emotionally, but that I touch base with how I'm feeling as decisions are being made.

In these last 6 months (since about Easter) I haven't had clear emotions in many of the areas of my life. I'm prepared for that fogginess when it comes to personal life and even to some extent work life. (Although, I must say, the work has not been too foggy....my investment sometimes has been, but that's another story). What I haven't been prepared for is an extended period of spiritual haze.

I met with my spiritual director last week - and she helped me put much in perspective. And then, I read the Scripture for this upcoming week. Elijah commands God's power in amazing signs and then is running scared from the people with whom he dueled. Peter sees Jesus walking on water and commands Jesus to reveal his divinity even further by making it possible for Peter to walk on water.

In Elijah, God was in the silence. In Matthew, Jesus calmed the storm - and it wasn't up to the disciples to really do anything but let him in the boat and worship. (Although, we don't know what would have happened if they hadn't).

My sermon in a few days may very well head this direction, but it's too raw for me to share this with my church now. I've shared times of unrest and spiritual difficulties before, but always in hind sight. I just don't think I can do that with this now.

Honestly, part of it is that I'm in the middle of that story. I'm trying to command God to show me something - to connect with me in specific ways. But, I think that my job right now (in my spiritual life) is simply to look for God. In power and simplicity. And, to be with God. In the silence.

That's hard for me. But at least it's clear.

Time Out

It happened again.

Just as I was about to take vacation, someone died. I realize that sentence needs to completely be in the context of me being a pastor. Each time a parishioner dies, it matters. It's sad and hopeful and beautiful - especially as people come together and memories are shared. Laughter and tears....blah, blah, blah. Y' all who read this, get it, right?

The funeral home director even commented that it seemed that most of the funerals I've had are either just as I'm coming or going from vacation - and it's not as if I take overly large amount of vacation.

I'm pretty good at having back up/on-call people. But, somehow it always works out that the funeral is just as I'm leaving or returning. Weeks that I have looked forward to because I wouldn't have to write a sermon, end up meaning I just have one fewer sermon to write.

This time, my vacation was to be only 4 days - and at my parents' home. I have discovered that I tend to digress at my parents' home, so I do try to limit my days there. But, I do like being there and was looking forward to some nice time with them. Instead, what was going to be vacation turned into a weekend, really.

I had a lovely vacation in April. And, I hope to take another one in October or November (I have a possible plan for that one). I had a "continuing ed road trip" at the beginning of July - which did get me out of the day-in/day-out of parish ministry - but was really looking at ministry.

The thing is, right now I just don't know what to do w/ the time I have. I need to take some days off that don't include Sundays. I need to look at when I'll take my two remaining Sundays. Should I save one for around Christmas? Or, should I see about using it earlier?

I need to calendar. And, I'd love to have a good idea of what vacation I'm looking forward to. I don't want to just take a vacation to sit around my house and watch tv ('though maybe a day of vacation could be that).

I would love ideas, propositions, dreams, etc.

Refreshing Vegetables

Three more dishes. All quite refreshing. Which, is good. 'Cause it's nearing the end of July and refreshing is always appreciated in the hot, sticky, summer months. It's not as if these dishes were cold - two required cooking and were best served hot - they just were refreshing.

This is Simplest Summer Squash (pg 114). I love squash - zucchini, yellow squash, etc. And this was a great dish. I used some leftovers in an omelet and it was fantastic. What doesn't go well in an omelet, right? Except, this was exceptional.

There's a great greenhouse in Milwaukee called Growing Power.
I've purchased from them before....but this dish: Garlicky Pea Shoot Tangle (pg 79) required pea shoots - the only ones available were from Growing Power. Which, I gladly purchased. This was a lovely dish - best used as a side. Easy, easy, easy. And tasty.

Shaved Fennel with Red Onion, Olive Oil, and Oranges (pg 62)...I think they wanted lots of "o's". This seemed a bit like that almost coleslaw-ey-ish salad that includes oranges. But, it was better. I didn't "shave" correctly because I don't have the right tools. But, it still turned out very well.

Connections

"She is really funny."

That's what m'dear friend K said last night on the phone. She was referencing this post.
It's true, God's a working in strange and funny ways, I know it.

It's not only work-related either.

As I talked with K last night I again (for about the millionth time) marveled at how she and I have become friends. She knew my parents before she knew me (there could be some joke in here about how she still decided to get to know me - but I don't think my parents are scary like that). She (and her husband....whose father I'd met before I met either of them) moved here shortly after I did. Our paths have seemingly crossed at other times, but in 2005 we all came here - brought by work - not knowing many, if any, others. And, we clicked.

We have so many of the same interests, similar opinions (but not too many) and have been able to trust each other pretty immediately.

I'm not packing any bags yet (and I don't believe they are either), but K is such a blessing in my life now, and I know in the years to come. A blessing that I'm positive will continue even once we are each in different locations and roles.

That God - always up to something...

Problem Solving and Partnership

Monday and Tuesday of this week were not good days. I think for the first time in the presence of my secretary, I had one of those almost-burst-into-tears-because-it's-all-too-much moments. I just could not handle the chaos. The offices were in shambles because of air conditioning being put in. That's a good thing, right? Only, for some reason neither the secretary nor myself thought (or were made aware) that it would mean two full days of drilling, constant a/c tech presence and needing to not really use our offices.

There are other things that add to the chaos. All fine/part of life/part of work/privileges/opportunities. But, it was being displaced that put me over the edge.

On Monday I had coffee with a non-pastor who works in the church who wondered how I, with limited staff, manage. It made me realize how much it is the leaders of the church - non-paid, members - people who just love the church - who I count on and who are my partners in work.

This past week I filled in the secretary (who is so much more than a secretary...she really is my partner in ministry) and the council president (another partner in ministry) on a non-issue that, if things go the wrong way, could become an issue. Individually they listened, they asked questions, they offered input and suggestions, and, of their own accord, promised to be supportive and allies should it become an issue.

These two will also be those who hold down the fort next week when I'm gone.

Who am I kidding? These two hold down the fort when I'm here!

I might be a solo pastor. But, I'm not solo in ministry. And, for that, I am thankful.

Sometimes it means that things happen that I'm not completely aware of. Which is great, really - because it means I'm not the only one making things happen. But, the other positive is that it also means that I do not hold most of the trials and tribulations - the joys and vision and privilege - alone.

Women and Men; Blessings and Surprises

Even though I would call myself a feminist, I admittedly have different expectations of women and men. Maybe that isn't so much against the feminist grain - maybe that's simply recognizing the ways in which women and men work differently (obv. with the better way being the woman's way) (ok, ok, there are benefits and problems with each...).

Yesterday, I was blessed by women. And, I was surprised by men. Good day, doncha think?

Yesterday our local gathering of pastors sent the one other woman in our group on her way to a ministry in a different location and a different way. We prayed, we shared communion, we read Scripture - and we planned for what our group will be. I was blessed by her - in her partnership (because, we were colleagues in keeping this group accountable), in her affirming words (so, the sometimes difficult words that come out of my mouth often succeed at being insightful, with truth...yet told with love - phew), in her gifting of some of the books she will no longer need. She has been a blessing to have as a nearby colleague, and I will miss her.

And the men in that group - some of them at least - are dedicated to it, even if they don't always follow through. And, a couple of them picked up some of the tasks to make sure that when we begin next fall again, we'll have meetings with purpose and depth. They surprised me. I'm grateful for that.

Then, at Soup Kitchen last night, I stopped by to talk to the graceful nun (who really looks like a movie star - and is so well respected in this community) who was taking blood pressures. I just wanted to say that I was glad that she was there taking blood pressures. She countered with high praise of all that was going on in the church - something she would not say if she didn't mean it. I am obviously aware that I'm not the one doing the work to make all of this happen - but it does feel good to know that what is going on in my community (with some input, work and guidance from me) is needed, thought well of, appreciated. Especially by another one who works among people in poverty.

And, I was surprised by a couple of interaction with men who are working through things. One, in a positive way - he's surviving through some adversity. Another, in a not-so-positive way, as he intentionally broke a rule last night - for which I had to kick him out. I've had to do that with his buddy before, but never with him. He has always been respectful of the rules before - and it surprised me that he chose not to last night.

Finally, I was surprised at how easily a couple of my property guys responded to my concern about the mess the A/C guys were making in the Sanctuary - and the Wedding Rehearsal/Ceremony on Friday and Saturday. I'm also relieved that they're going to handle everything (and that they are pretty sure that it's part of the contract for the workers to clean it all up. I sure hope so. But, I'm also confident that these guys will make sure things are in order.

There were other blessings and surprises yesterday. But, this is already lengthy enough - and I need to go be blessed and surprised with a whole new day.

Asparagas and Tarragon

My, my. It's been a vegetable-ful week. The Farmer's Market started yesterday - which was wonderful. Except...I only got Spinach (and a little basil plant) there. In addition to these four vegetable dishes, I've also experimented myself with other veggies. But, it's not really about the other veggies.

This lovely dish is Tarragon-Pecan Asparagus (pg 12). It was very tasty, but it definitely felt like it made way more than the 4-5 servings the book indicates.
I made these: Feta-Walnut-Stuffed Cucumbers (pg 46) for a potluck for a Vacation Bible School event. The kids all passed it up - but the parents sure enjoyed it :) (It wasn't really intended for the kiddos anyway). I had a lot of the stuffing left over - and ended up making my own unique burrito - with spinach, onions, zucchini and red peppers. I don't know that you really can go wrong with a feta/walnut combo.

And then here comes more asparagus. I've been meaning to make this for some time, but the combination of the required marinating time (2 hours to two days) and that it suggested opening the windows during cooking (because you reduce the vinegar w/ the ginger), detracted from it's appeal. But, when I finally made Gingered Asparagus (pg 10) - I loved it! I wish I had done this one sooner!And finally, I had to use the left over tarragon and so made this ultra-easy dish: Roasted Tarragon Succotash (pg 118). Seriously - frozen corn, frozen edamame (or lima beans or green chick peas), a bulb of garlic and tarragon....so so easy. And, yummy.

Three Years

When I was thinking about entering seminary I talked with an assistant to the bishop of my home synod. If I was going to go to seminary, I wanted what came afterwards to go a certain way. I wanted to be a chaplain in a homeless shelter.

The thing is, at that time the ELCA would not ordain a person into a chaplaincy, but he or she would have to first serve for three years in a parish before they moved on to that specialized ministry. (I'm not sure of the policy now, but I do know that there have been special cases where this hasn't been the requirement).

That requirement did not work with what I thought my life plan included. As I talked with the assistant to the bishop, I tried to explain why I would need to go directly into chaplaincy and forgo the required three years.

She looked at me kindly and said, "Amy, go to seminary and let the Spirit guide you."

In those years in seminary I learned that I do really love many aspects of parish ministry as well. And, I lucked out (or the Spirit was at work), in that after seminary the church to which I am called includes ministry among people in poverty (with a Soup Kitchen, Free Clinic and Senior Ministry programs).

I'm have now come upon 3 years. Three years ago yesterday I was ordained. Three years ago Saturday I started my job with the title Pastor.

When I started here, I was asked how long I would stay. I didn't really answer, but indicated that I didn't intend to get out of it as quickly as possible, but nor did I imagine that it would be the last church to which I am called.

I've not started to think of leaving. But, that three year mark feels like an accomplishment. And, while I don't know where or when the Spirit will blow, I continue to feel like I'm doing what I need to do. Even if it's not following the exact plan with which I started.

Multiple Vegetable Dishes, Not Yet Reported

You may have thought that I had stopped cooking my vegetable dishes. It isn't so. I just haven't been reporting them consistently. Let the documentation commence:

I hosted my book club's May meeting, which gave me the occasion to make two different things that could be used as appetizers.

The first: Roasted Red Peppers with Garlic & Lime (pg 81). I put these w/ goat cheese and a wheat bagel cracker. I think the vegetable was fine - but the goat cheese and the crackers were what people really went after. Oh well.
And Tunisian Eggplant(pg 53). I had a lot of this left over and used it on some chicken. That was really very good. As an appetizer, it was only ok.The next two dishes are really 2-in-1. The first is used in the preparation of the 2nd. The green mess below is Arugula Gremolata (pg 6). The book says, "Traditional gremolata is a feathery mix of finely rendered parsley, garlic, and lemon zest - most notably used as a topping for the Italian dish osso buco."And here is what it was put in: Farfalle with Arugula Gremolata, Gorgonzola, Golden Raisins & Walnuts (pg 7). My grocery store does not carry Golden Raisins, so I just ignored them.This may be the best name in the entire book: Bell Pepper Festival (pg 20). It was very simple and would go with almost anything. The left overs went into a really tasty omelet. And finally, here is Avocado Strawberry Saladita (pg 13). This was really good on chicken - and incredibly simple. Also, helped me learn what a jicama is. I would even bet you that your grocery store carries jicama.So, I have been cooking. Not as much as I would like, but some nonetheless. And, it's almost summer when the good veggies start to roll in!

No Story

I feel like I want to write. But I have nothing to say.

There is a lot going on. But too much, really, to go into it.

There have been some notable happenings in these past weeks, but nothing that tells a story.

There will be some notable happenings in this next week, but nothing that I really want to share on a blog.

So, blogging world - I'm here. My life continues to be interesting and full. It's just not telling a good story.

One Long Post....That Maybe Should Just Be A Journal Entry

Today I get to take it easy.

I could grab my calendar and say for sure - but it's felt like my last month has been all about fitting things in. Fitting people in - both in my fun personal life and in my meaningful work life. It's been good on both accounts - but, it's also tiring.

I have loved that I've gotten to fit in so many times to get together with friends. Some have been sad, like saying goodbye to Gail as she moves away. Some have been joyful, some exciting and new. Some a mix of the two.

I left a meeting early on Tuesday to be with friends. The chair of the meeting said "for pete's sake, don't come at all...go be with your friends. You deserve some fun time." I still went, partially because we had already made out plans for meeting up that took into account my schedule. Partially, though, because there have been many opportunities for me to totally ditch out on a work something - and I haven't done so. Also - that whole, "you deserve some fun time." Well, yes, I do - but, I've been taking it.

Work has been intensely full of meetings - one-on-one and group, going from one thing to another. That has been good too. But, next week is looking gloriously open. Of course, everything that I want to get done needs to be done by this Sunday - so that openness doesn't really help me get everything done right now. But, it does indicate an end to my chaos. Although, I am sure new chaos will start up. And honestly, I do some of my best work in chaos.

I am happy. And, I've been feeling fully me in all of these different areas. I don't feel like I'm faking it to make it. 6 months or so ago something clicked. In work, in home...with family and friends. That doesn't mean that everything has been easy. I haven't been able to be "there" for some of my friends in ways like I would have liked. I've made some mistakes in work. I've, obviously (by reading other entries to this blog), had some down times and times when I haven't felt fully sure of things.

But, even in that ambiguity, I have felt wholly me.

Patience, cont.

I ended up with just enough patience yesterday. Only one of the three space & time invaders was present, and I was able to kindly interact without allowing for full time domination. Phew.

I was going to write more, but I'm a little sick of hearing myself complain. Have a great week!

Patience

I'm hiding out in my office.

No one but the organist is here yet, but I'm hiding. After being on vacation for 10 of the last 19 days you would think I'd be rested and have patience.

I'm reaching really hard for that patience. It was my first prayer this morning. It was a prayer as I drove home last night (from a church function).

I don't think I have patience for the needy ones. For the ones who seem to always need to talk to me. For the ones who breach my physical space. I don't have patience for those who need everything explained to them (over and over). I don't have patience for people's comments of "what work do you do that you need a vacation?" I don't have patience even for the incredibly eager ones who just want to suck everything in (sometimes it feels like I'm needing to spoon feed these too).

What I do have patience for? The 14-year old preacher. The kiddos who are leading the service today. The elderly (formerly grumpy) man who as he shares the peace with me, pulls me in and says "God loves you and so do I." I have patience for the people who have recently lost loved ones. I have patience for the excited Stewardship chair. I have patience for the dedicated ones who let me know about others who aren't doing so well. And for those who will come, and worship - taking in the Word and the Meal.

So, I suppose I do have patience. And, I pray for God's patience and strength not to let my impatience rule over me.

I'm still going to hide in my office for a few more minutes.

Colorful

My latest two concoctions were all about the color.

This past weekend I made "Stir-Fried Carrots, Red Peppers & Red Onions with Roasted Cashews." (pg 36) It was quite tasty, but I realized also quite expensive.

I also made "Ruby Chard Decorated with Itself" (pg 96-97). This was pretty - and much more powerful tasting than I had expected. But, It was good and I felt healthy eating it. Unfortunately, blogger is having a difficult time uploading this particular picture. It was pretty - I'll try again at another time, but it's basically just a leafy green vegetable with chopped up pinkish/red vegetable on top of it.

Very Little Sweat

Sometimes it's really hard to come back from vacation. It was hard to leave this time...hard to leave those whom I dearly love, hard to leave the time spent in leisure, hard to leave sunny California weather. It was.

But, it wasn't so hard to go back to work today. It was nice. I "checked-in" today at an area pastor meeting that ever since Christmas I haven't been freaking out. Things have been okay. Nothing seems like a major deal. Good ministry is happening, often without me.

Since I've been gone?
New ministry is being dreamed up in the form of women's ministry.
A grant has been applied for.
Vacation Bible School dreaming (which has been absent) has begun.
A children's area just off of the worship area has been set up.
The Word (and a good Word at that) was preached on Sunday.
New people have popped in and been well welcomed.
New-ish people have continued to make this place their home.
A woman who had been deteriorating died. (Funeral, which I'll do, is Friday).
A couple good decisions were made regarding Finances and the Newsletter.
Many, many e-mails and 16 phone messages.
A sermon and children's sermon for Sunday are in the midst of being prepared.

All done by others.

Most of the things I have to do aren't that big of a deal. And, I'm taking another mini-vacation next week to visit a friend. I have no fear whatsoever about not having a job, but it is good to know that the work continues when I'm not there. The work is not dependent solely on me. And, coming back has not been difficult at all.

Three Dishes

I have not done so well with my New Year's Resolution lately...but I do have a few dishes to report.

First - Leek Chips, pg 73. They would have been better if I used less oil and didn't try to rush them.

Sesame Braised Cabbage with Leeks (pg 34). Quite tasty, though I didn't need to make as much as I did.

And, for Easter, Oven Ratatouille (pg 92-93). Very, very good. Also good as leftovers.

Rearranging Time

With the nicer weather, I've been breaking up my days differently. Leaving work to do some errands, go for a run, figure out my wonky computer (which I'll be giving up tomorrow for 7-10 days so it can be fixed once again).

It's been nice. It also means that I'm working into the evening. But, I'd be doing that anyway...just working straight through. And, to do personal stuff during daylight hours, not necessarily when I'm exhausted at the end of the day, is wonderful!.

I'm leaving for California in less than a week! And when I get back, my work time will be light for about a month. I just have to attempt to keep my mind in the present and complete the work that needs to be done before I go.

When Laziness Pays Off

I am going to go to the gym.

I am going to go to the gym.

Fortunately, though, I spent my morning puttering around on Facebook and Jezebel.com. Fortunately, I say because I would have otherwise missed the phone appointment, that I made at the end of last week, with the tax guy. I wrote it down in my calendar. I just failed to look at my calendar from last Thursday on.

I am going to go to the gym....soon. After I check these sites one more time.

Not Enough

I am not enough.

I've gotten this message loud and clear this past week.

I am not enough. I can't visit everyone who is in the hospital as much as they would like me to. I can't get to 4 hospitals at the correct times when people aren't in procedures or rehab. I can't get to all of the home bound members before Easter - even though I've "slacked" with bad weather and illness. I am not enough.

I am not enough. I can't force someone else to recognize that solemnity does not mean sadness. I can attempt to explain why we follow the path of Holy Week, but when someone does not want to, I can't make them understand that recognizing our sinfulness, recognizing our part in the story helps us also to recognize that it is for us that it all happened. I am not enough, particularly when the person will not accept that a young woman should be a pastor.

I am not enough. According to the adult leader of college students to whom I spoke on Wednesday night. I am not enough because I am not married. Speaking to the students was fantastic, with the brief exception of the time in which she (the adult leader) would not let go of the fact that I'm not married...ending with that she would pray for me. I hate when "I'll pray for you" sounds like an insult.

I am not enough. I happen to be an easy authority target for a particular member. He's recognized it, but his recognition doesn't always stop him. I am authority - thus I must be cut down to size. I am not enough in that I allowed myself to be dragged into it - 45 minutes before the Good Friday service. I am not enough in that I wasn't clear in my points. I am not enough in that, even as I expect that he would respect my position, I did not respect his. I am not enough in that I couldn't maintain that solemnity that I spoke of earlier.

I am not enough. I gave up on writing a Good Friday sermon. I didn't do it. Everything that I came up with paled and drew away from the Scripture and the cross. But. The theme I was playing with (ironically...or maybe obviously) was that Peter was not enough. He couldn't hang in there. He couldn't draw his sword and save the day. He couldn't acknowledge his dedication to Jesus. He ran away.

And that is Good Friday. We are not enough. In any of this. We can't do it. We can't bring ourselves back around - force ourselves to stand in the presence of God - recognize the goodness of all of God's creation - without Christ's redemption for us. Without Christ's redemption for me.

I am not enough. But, who is?

The Tofu Tango

I made two dishes this weekend and realized that, though it's good I have the ingredients for "Oven Ratatouille" (pg 92), I best wait until I've eaten these dishes.

So - I have made "Chile Cabbage with Shiitakes, Sweet-Crisp Onions and Tofu" (pg 32). Yes, it is in a to-go container. I'm just so hip that I was running late on my way to a concert - so I brought my cabbage and tofu with me :).


This yummy dish is "Sweet Potato Hash with Smoked Tofu and Red Onions" (pg 115). Not a huge story here - but it is very good.

Funny - no greens

Here are my latest concoctions . I believe I'll have a couple more before the weekend is up. If I do, I will be only 2 dishes (or 8 days) behind my goal. Of course, after this next (Holy) week, I'll be even more behind. But, it's about the fun of making it all, eh?

This was a last minute "oh! I wonder if they have a recipe for sweet potatoes because I'm planning on doing something with it anyway!" This is Oven-"fried" Sweet Potatoes (well, really, only one potato) (pg 116). I was basically going to do the very thing that the book instructed, except I would have probably been checking them more frequently, not knowing a suggested time.
This is Portobello Parmesan (pg 84). I only made two mushrooms and had too much of the cheese mixture (did you know there was such a thing as too much cheese?). It was still very good.


And these are "Coated Carrots: Afrique du Nord" (pg 38). I have no idea what that second part means...I'm pretending it means African of the North. Anyone know?? These carrots have cumin, cinnamon and citrus juice, among other things. This dish is definitely one of my favorites.

Hospital Calls

I've been visiting a lot of hospitals and nursing homes lately. Yesterday, partly due to being so far behind in home visits because of weather and illness, partly due to the number of people in the hospital, I visited 7 people. It was my entire day. It was a nice day; I enjoy it. But, I wouldn't want to do that all the time.

Earlier this week, as I was leaving one of the hospitals, I was thinking to myself that it would be somewhat nice to have to be in one for a little while. I wouldn't want to be horribly sick, but to lay in bed, have people bring me food and drink, watch tv or sleep. Yes, I'm feeling tired.

Just as I was thinking to myself "nothing too serious, but enough that I got to stay overnight" I crossed paths with a man I know. He told me that he was visiting his wife for the one-hundred and something day in a row (he knew the exact number). He talked about his car knowing the way to the hospital. He looked exhausted.

So, no. I do not want to go into the hospital. Not really (though, if anyone wants to come and bring me food and drink while I lay around and watch tv, you're welcome to it...I just need to get that work ethic off my back!). And, I am thankful for those hospitals that I've been visiting - the care, the cleanliness, the attitudes of the staff, the advances of technology and the well-roundedness that includes hospital chaplains I can call when I'm too sick to visit.

Green Beans without cream of mushroom soup

Here is the recipe for Green Beans with Crunchy Peanut-Lemon Coating (from "The Vegetable Dishes I Can't Live Without" by Mollie Katzen.
1 to 1 1/2 cups peanuts (unsalted or lightly salted)
2 Tablespoons canola or peanut oil
2 Tablespoons minced fresh ginger
1/2 teaspoon grated lemon zest
1 Tablespoon minced garlic
1/4 teaspoon salt (more if peanuts are unsalted)
1 pound fresh green beans, rimmed and cut into 1 1/2-inch pieces
Red pepper flakes, to taste
1 Tablespoon fresh lemon juice

1) Place peanuts in a blender and grind briefly until they form a coarse meal. Set aside.

2) Place a large, deep skillet over medium heat. After about a minute, add 1 Tablespoon of the oil and swirl to coat the pan. Add the ginger and saute for a few minutes, then add the crushed peanuts, plus the lemon zest and garlic. Cook over medium-low heat for about 10 minutes, stirring often, until the peanuts are lightly toasted. Transfer this mixture to a medium-large bowl, and if the peanuts are unsalted, stir in some salt to taste. Set aside.

3) Wipe out the pan with a paper towel, then return it to the stove over medium heat. Wait about a minute, then add another Tablespoon of oil and swirl to coat the pan. Turn up the heat, add the green beans, and stir-fry over high heat for about 5 minutes. Somewhere along the way, sprinkle with about 1/4 teaspoon salt and a big pinch of red pepper flakes.

4) Stir-fry just a few minutes longer, or until the beans are divinely tender-crisp. Add the peanut mixture and the lemon juice, tossing everything together. Taste to adjust the salt and red pepper flakes, if necessary, and serve right away.

Facebook: The Black Hole of Time

If it weren't for the scrabble (or scrabulous) application, I'm not sure I would be as addicted to Facebook as I am. But, there is rarely a day that I am not checking my Facebook page - at the very least to play my next move on scrabble, but often to check in on "friends" (most of whom really are friends).

I've started to notice though, that I now sometimes assimilate some of the information about what is currently going on with a person as if we've had a conversation about it. So, at a meeting the other day, I mentioned that I knew so-and-so wasn't feeling well. I knew this because of her Facebook page - not because of any conversation with her.

It's so odd. And something to watch. Pretty soon I'll just be saying "So-and-so is...." and only ever be able to tell you their status, and not really how they are.

The Good Life

Today, as I was on the phone w/ Belle, my doorbell rang. It was a couple of the kids from church and they were handing me boxes of Girl Scout cookies (because I realized that my kids who are Girl Scouts never hit me up!). My life sure is grand.

This past weekend I went to three different shows. A play, a band in a bar, and a musical. I also got to hang out with my brilliant book club friends. My life sure is fun.

In the last couple days I have made three of the recipes from my New Year's Resolution. They were:
Cauliflower Gratin with Capers and Bread Crumbs (pg 41).


Sauteed Fennel with Crispy Fried Lemon (pg 58).And,Green Beans with Crunchy Peanut-Lemon Coating (pg 69). (I think this may have been my favorite recipe so far.)

My life sure is full of vegetables and vegetable left overs.

The Body of Christ - With and Without Mucus

I've had a cold for a couple weeks now. It has now moved from my sinuses into my chest and I've been coughing and wheezing since Thursday. As a pastor I have a lot of close proximity to people, and Sunday mornings, especially mean shaking hands, hugging, placing the Body of Christ into people's hands. On healing service Sundays it also includes listening closely and having my hands on people's shoulders and heads.

So, this Sunday, I gave that up. I always have at least one lay person helping with the laying on of hands and anointing for healing. And both had agreed to help in today's service long ago. We were contemplating having three stations, instead of the usual two, and so it worked just fine with the two.

Instead of me serving the bread, I went and sat in the pew after presiding at the altar. I got to kneel at the altar for both the laying on of hands and for communion. I got to pray ('cause I couldn't sing) for all of the people that I usually look in the eye and say "The body of Christ, given for you." I knew what particular prayers that many of the people would ask for, and prayed for them.

It's nice every once in a while to have the place where I sit - my point of view - be turned around. It's nice to see the church in action. It's nice to not have to stifle my cough and constantly sniff worried that I'm going to spread whatever it is I have.

Also - I made this "Radicchio-Porcini Risotto" (pg 88):

It doesn't look like much, but it was very yummy. I couldn't find Porcini anywhere (looked at a number of stores throughout the week) but it still tasted good w/ Portabella. The book describes it as "Ultra-comfort food." And, it was.

The Good of It All

Well, a number of my things on my list are over and done with. A new week is beginning. I still have a cold that has been hanging on for 2 weeks - which will limit my elderly visiting, but shouldn't hinder anything else.

Cold weather and a head cold sure can bring a person down. But, there are some things that have been bringing me up.

First - my bed. It's comfortable, and I've been getting enough time in it.

Secondly, a little over a week ago, I was able to enjoy the beauty of a freshly fallen 14" of snow while Cross Country Skiing. Here are a couple pics:
Third, though it was cold, there was an attempted Karaoke party held. We missed those who couldn't make it, but still had a good time. I have some pics, but they don't do the event justice.

Finally, I have prepared another recipe for my New Year's resolution. This time it was Potato, Turnip & Carrot Gratin with Garlic-Herb Bechamel Sauce (pp 86-87). Andrew asked about recipes. I would highly recommend buying the book (The Vegetable Dishes I Can't Live Without by Mollie Katzen), but if there are one or two that you would like, shoot me an e-mail and I'll send 'em to you.

On the gratin, I could have actually done without the bread crumbs and cheese on top (but, is that what makes it a gratin?). It was really good though - and I don't think I've truly eaten turnip before.

Hope Comes in the Morning

Things are always better in the morning. They just are for me. I don't know if others feel similarly - but I get that phrase "hope comes in the morning" 'cause I tend to be more grounded...and hopeful during the day. I also am more willing to take risks at night - I wonder why that is...hmmm.

Anyway, I'm unfreaked out. I no longer feel like my life is out of control. After blogging last night, I wrote some thoughts for my sermon and then slept for about 5 hours, got up and got "hoped on" by Barack Obama and then had lunch with a friend. I have accomplished a few things on my lists (yay - the garbage is out!), have plenty more, but feel like I can take a nap (while my clothes are agitating in the washer).

Maybe they'll even be time for a movie.

Freak Out

Man it feels like there is just too much going on right now. And, my freak outs always tend to be at the times when productivity is unreasonable. (Tonight it's only 12:30 and the night before my day off- sometimes it's the 3ams before a Sunday morning.)

In my head I know that failure is not the worst option. I know that I have been accomplishing a lot and that there is just so much more work than possible for one person. But the list of things yet unaddressed is running through my head and it makes it impossible to sleep.

* A number of my homebound really need visits. I'm behind, as I have been for about a year.
* I would have like to have visited the woman in ICU today and now probably won't until Sunday, if not Monday.
* My sermon is barely started.
* Urrgh. Taxes.
* Laundry - which isn't urgent, but looking at my schedule ahead it may soon well be.
* The Christmas present that I've intended to buy and send - and the 2 Christmas cards I've intended to write and send - and the 5 thank you notes.
* I need to return some stuff to the library.
* I have a Bible Study to prepare to lead on Sunday. Haven't started.
* My council report should really be in people's boxes by Sunday am.
* I didn't call my parents today to thank them for the Valentine's treat they sent. Or, just to say I love them.
* I still have the intent to make the vegetable dishes, but haven't don't so since my last post about it. And, I've let some vegetables go to waste because I failed to make anything with them.
* My garbage really needs to be taken out.

Tomorrow is my day off - but it is already full. Of some really good things. But, I just don't know where I'll have any time. And really, I'd just like to sleep. Because I'm worked up now and the sheep seem to have left the building.

I think the freak outs come when I feel alone in responsibilities - even when it's my own mess. Each of those bullet points are things I need to handle. Sure, I'll hand off the taxes to someone else, but I need to gather it together. Yeah, if I get it in her hands soon enough, my secretary will distribute the council report, but I still need to write it.

Just by writing (and processing) I'm calming down - freaking out less. By the time I shut down the computer I might already be asleep. It just really sucks to feel this anxiety - especially when I'd much rather be sleeping.