5:45am, Sunday, June 30, 2013.
My last day as a pastor for the unforeseen future.
I'm up, drinking my coffee, knowing I need to get going, thinking about what is to be done today.
I am saying goodbye to a congregation and a call that has been fantastic and challenging - that has made me question what I am supposed to be doing....but any call would have done that - that has fostered me in what has turned out to be a transition time in my life.
I am saying goodbye today to some wonderful people. Some who give so much of themselves to issues of justice. Some who are so passionate about education. Some who are always thinking about the next kind thing they can do. I am going to miss many individuals. It is hard to say goodbye.
But, what I am also saying goodbye to is the identity of pastor - at least for a little while. And, I'm not sure how that is going to be.
I'm looking forward to being able to put my phone on silent for the evening. I'm really excited about becoming a part of a congregation without having to have any answers or to lead anything (for a while at least). I'm feeling a sense of freedom at having evenings and weekends as my own. I'm excited to take a class regularly because I can have a regular evening available. I'm interested to see how I might engage in further community issues with a little more time on my hands.
But, I wonder where and when I'll have theological conversations and opportunities to study the texts with others (whether other clergy or lay). I wonder what it will be like to not say, "The body of Christ, given for you," looking people in the eye every Sunday morning. I worry that I might never find another kind of work that fulfills me in this way (although, I have never tried). I wonder what I will miss the most: preaching, leading worship, getting to hear challenges of people's lives and talk with them about where God is, home communion visits, teaching Confirmation, working with faithful people dedicated to the message of Jesus Christ.
6:00 am, Sunday, June 30th, 2013. It's time for me to get in the shower. The beginning of what feels to be a momentous day in my life.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Overdrive
I've been in a bit of an overdrive. Moving from one big emotional thing to the next. Trying to juggle the emotions, the tasks, the schedule.
Last night, at dinner and later ping pong (yes, ping pong) with friends - two couples who are just getting to know each other through me - I found myself sitting back and taking it in. It wasn't that I was withdrawn, although I wonder if it appeared that way to others. I was sitting in thankfulness - for my friends and that they can have such fun with one another. For their wit, their kindness, their sense of humor and care for me. For my Pablo and his presence by my side. For my city that I am going to miss big time (but get to visit because it really takes the same amount of time as driving into Chicago).
Today, I get to experience A Prairie Home Companion live for the first time. At any other time in my life I would be giddy and preparing by reading up and looking into things about what was going to happen. And, I'm sure that 1/2 an hour before the show starts I'm going to be super excited. But, it's not time for that yet. I've got so many other emotions and events to get through today before that happens.
There will be a relief when all of the leave taking and the moving is finished. A relief because I will then have some time to sort through emotions - to dwell and process in ways other than writing repeated blog posts.
I am so blessed - to have all of these events and experiences happening. To be able to have these connections with dear people and places. To be able to look with anticipation to what is ahead. And maybe, that can be the feeling that encompasses all of the others - blessed. In the joy, in the thankfulness, in the sadness, in the overwhelmedness - I am blessed.
Last night, at dinner and later ping pong (yes, ping pong) with friends - two couples who are just getting to know each other through me - I found myself sitting back and taking it in. It wasn't that I was withdrawn, although I wonder if it appeared that way to others. I was sitting in thankfulness - for my friends and that they can have such fun with one another. For their wit, their kindness, their sense of humor and care for me. For my Pablo and his presence by my side. For my city that I am going to miss big time (but get to visit because it really takes the same amount of time as driving into Chicago).
Today, I get to experience A Prairie Home Companion live for the first time. At any other time in my life I would be giddy and preparing by reading up and looking into things about what was going to happen. And, I'm sure that 1/2 an hour before the show starts I'm going to be super excited. But, it's not time for that yet. I've got so many other emotions and events to get through today before that happens.
There will be a relief when all of the leave taking and the moving is finished. A relief because I will then have some time to sort through emotions - to dwell and process in ways other than writing repeated blog posts.
I am so blessed - to have all of these events and experiences happening. To be able to have these connections with dear people and places. To be able to look with anticipation to what is ahead. And maybe, that can be the feeling that encompasses all of the others - blessed. In the joy, in the thankfulness, in the sadness, in the overwhelmedness - I am blessed.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Business Appreciation
I was thinking about my next oil change. At the last one, they put in some kind of wonder-oil that needs to be changed every 9 months or 8,000 miles or so. Or, at least that's what the sticker says. And, after 3 months of driving, I'm only 1,000 miles from needing an oil change - so I've got an appointment set for next Friday.
I won't have hit the 8,000th mile (or the 9th month) by then, but by the time I do I'll be in IL. And, I like the automotive place I found. I like the people and trust them. I'm sad to be leaving them.
I'm also sad to be leaving my massage therapist. She has a small office space nearby and is amazing. In addition to the fact that I think she and I would be friends if we met a different way, she is incredibly good at her craft - and not expensive.
And my dentists. Now, I ran into a little trouble at one point, because one of my fillings needed to be attended to 3 times, but they took care of it. They are friendly, good at what they do - and willing to share my info - unlike my previous dentist.
And my dermatologist. She is someone who gets right down to business. After my first couple visits I realized that I should just take all of my clothes off and put on the hospital gown because she was going to look anyway and I'd be stuck stripping in front of her - which is even more awkward than just being naked already. I went in with eczema on 75-90% of my body and through treatment with light and some topical medicine I am down to about 2%.
I'm going to also miss my gas station and my bank and my yoga studio/instructor.
It takes a while to settle into a place. It takes a while to find the businesses and people you trust with your car and your body and your teeth and your money.
Looking forward, I know there will be people in these various professions who I will trust with these things, and yet, I am so thankful for these people and entities in my life - all of them in these last 4 years.
I won't have hit the 8,000th mile (or the 9th month) by then, but by the time I do I'll be in IL. And, I like the automotive place I found. I like the people and trust them. I'm sad to be leaving them.
I'm also sad to be leaving my massage therapist. She has a small office space nearby and is amazing. In addition to the fact that I think she and I would be friends if we met a different way, she is incredibly good at her craft - and not expensive.
And my dentists. Now, I ran into a little trouble at one point, because one of my fillings needed to be attended to 3 times, but they took care of it. They are friendly, good at what they do - and willing to share my info - unlike my previous dentist.
And my dermatologist. She is someone who gets right down to business. After my first couple visits I realized that I should just take all of my clothes off and put on the hospital gown because she was going to look anyway and I'd be stuck stripping in front of her - which is even more awkward than just being naked already. I went in with eczema on 75-90% of my body and through treatment with light and some topical medicine I am down to about 2%.
I'm going to also miss my gas station and my bank and my yoga studio/instructor.
It takes a while to settle into a place. It takes a while to find the businesses and people you trust with your car and your body and your teeth and your money.
Looking forward, I know there will be people in these various professions who I will trust with these things, and yet, I am so thankful for these people and entities in my life - all of them in these last 4 years.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
By the Numbers
10 days until my last Sunday as a parish pastor (for a while).
16 days until I move all of my things out of my condo.
24 days until my dad has his last Sunday as a parish pastor (forever).
25 days until condo closing (if all goes well with today's inspection).
71 days until P & I are united as husband and wife.
The numbers are not all that important - except they do show the passage of time. It does feel like so much is flying by. Some things I'm just looking forward for them to be done, such as the move & the closing. Other things I can't wait until they get here, like the week with my family at the cabin (post-dad's retirement) and, of course, the wedding.
Life is changing quickly.
16 days until I move all of my things out of my condo.
24 days until my dad has his last Sunday as a parish pastor (forever).
25 days until condo closing (if all goes well with today's inspection).
71 days until P & I are united as husband and wife.
The numbers are not all that important - except they do show the passage of time. It does feel like so much is flying by. Some things I'm just looking forward for them to be done, such as the move & the closing. Other things I can't wait until they get here, like the week with my family at the cabin (post-dad's retirement) and, of course, the wedding.
Life is changing quickly.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Taking Leave
It's almost 9:30 at night, and I have at least an hour of prep to put in, but I'm going to allow myself 10 minutes of writing - to process - to be in this time when it feels like I am moving from one big thing to another.
Last night was my last council meeting. It wasn't until about 1/2 an hour before the meeting that I thought there would be anything more than the simple "thank you" speech from the president on behalf of the council. Instead, our check in time, which is usually used to have everyone note how they have seen or experienced Jesus in the last month, was used to lift up memories or thank yous to me.
Specific sermon illustrations came out. People feeling warmly welcomed - a lack of anxiety - a sense of joy - around me. Creativity in worship and being able to play and try things out with the other staff members and being able to wrangle and organize 30 teenagers and chaperones. Compassion. The skill I have at delegation - and being able to hear criticism and respond to it constructively. The impact on the kids (younger than teenagers) and on the Confirmation program. Having a theological reason for everything I do (well, almost everything).
I felt a little embarrassed. But, I also felt incredibly supported and known.
It was only two days ago that this whole leaving thing really started to sink in. So, the emotions are just starting to hit me.
I've known I should be moving on - I've recognized that I've not been as called to this work in the last couple years - but saying goodbye is still incredibly emotional - perhaps even more so because I don't know when I will get to be Pastor Becker next.
Then, today, as I'm sitting in the Fellowship Hall waiting for the kids to arrive for the third day of Vacation Bible School, 4-year old Tyler - looks at me intently and says - "You're not going to be the pastor here anymore" in his sweet, four-year old voice.
"But....but, maybe when you are a pastor at another church you can think of us on Sunday when you go to church."
I start to respond but he continues,
"And, I will think of you when I come here on Sunday."
Oh. My. Heart.
Four years old with the wisdom of an 80 year old.
I might have startled him with my tears streaming down my face as I asked for a hug. But, he gave me one and we kept talking after that for a little while until it was time to collect myself and talk about Zacchaeus.
My 10 minutes turned into 15. Perhaps there will be more leave-taking stories to follow.
Last night was my last council meeting. It wasn't until about 1/2 an hour before the meeting that I thought there would be anything more than the simple "thank you" speech from the president on behalf of the council. Instead, our check in time, which is usually used to have everyone note how they have seen or experienced Jesus in the last month, was used to lift up memories or thank yous to me.
Specific sermon illustrations came out. People feeling warmly welcomed - a lack of anxiety - a sense of joy - around me. Creativity in worship and being able to play and try things out with the other staff members and being able to wrangle and organize 30 teenagers and chaperones. Compassion. The skill I have at delegation - and being able to hear criticism and respond to it constructively. The impact on the kids (younger than teenagers) and on the Confirmation program. Having a theological reason for everything I do (well, almost everything).
I felt a little embarrassed. But, I also felt incredibly supported and known.
It was only two days ago that this whole leaving thing really started to sink in. So, the emotions are just starting to hit me.
I've known I should be moving on - I've recognized that I've not been as called to this work in the last couple years - but saying goodbye is still incredibly emotional - perhaps even more so because I don't know when I will get to be Pastor Becker next.
Then, today, as I'm sitting in the Fellowship Hall waiting for the kids to arrive for the third day of Vacation Bible School, 4-year old Tyler - looks at me intently and says - "You're not going to be the pastor here anymore" in his sweet, four-year old voice.
"But....but, maybe when you are a pastor at another church you can think of us on Sunday when you go to church."
I start to respond but he continues,
"And, I will think of you when I come here on Sunday."
Oh. My. Heart.
Four years old with the wisdom of an 80 year old.
I might have startled him with my tears streaming down my face as I asked for a hug. But, he gave me one and we kept talking after that for a little while until it was time to collect myself and talk about Zacchaeus.
My 10 minutes turned into 15. Perhaps there will be more leave-taking stories to follow.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Housing Exchange
I signed a contract with a realtor on February 25th, which meant that my condo went on the market. I hadn't intended to actually get my condo on the market until April 1st - after Easter, but once I decided on which realtor I wanted to use, he had me sign some papers, took some pictures - and it was up.
Yesterday, an accepted offer was made and signed. (!!) There are still some steps - the inspection, the closing. I am going to owe a little, but it will be a manageable amount (likely close to what I would pay if I had to pay my mortgage and condo association fees in August).
It's a big sigh of relief. And, interesting to be in this process from this end.
All in all, really good for me, especially with all of the other balls that I am trying to juggle at this time.
There is, however, some sense of melancholy with this news. A sense of a time of my life ending - an experience where it was only up to me to make decisions and make things happen. I've been craving this end, and yet....
I celebrate these last 8 years of living on my own.
I'm proud that I have handled problems. That I have created 2 different homes. That I reached out when I needed help, and, with a deep breath made decisions when I needed to.
I'm proud of my condo with the lovely bamboo floors, the exploration with paint (mostly successful), and putting in a new dishwasher.
I am so very relieved that the condo is (probably) sold. It is one less big-life event to juggle. I am so excited for what is coming up in life.
But, I feel the nostalgia seeping into this time as well.
Yesterday, an accepted offer was made and signed. (!!) There are still some steps - the inspection, the closing. I am going to owe a little, but it will be a manageable amount (likely close to what I would pay if I had to pay my mortgage and condo association fees in August).
It's a big sigh of relief. And, interesting to be in this process from this end.
All in all, really good for me, especially with all of the other balls that I am trying to juggle at this time.
There is, however, some sense of melancholy with this news. A sense of a time of my life ending - an experience where it was only up to me to make decisions and make things happen. I've been craving this end, and yet....
I celebrate these last 8 years of living on my own.
I'm proud that I have handled problems. That I have created 2 different homes. That I reached out when I needed help, and, with a deep breath made decisions when I needed to.
I'm proud of my condo with the lovely bamboo floors, the exploration with paint (mostly successful), and putting in a new dishwasher.
I am so very relieved that the condo is (probably) sold. It is one less big-life event to juggle. I am so excited for what is coming up in life.
But, I feel the nostalgia seeping into this time as well.
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