Foraging Ahead

Twice today I stayed in the moment, listened to my emotion and my gut, communicated what I needed to communicate. Once was with my evil doctor (the dermatologist). I didn't really get everything I want, but I was able to communicate clearly, and got more than I have at other times. I may not go back to him, but I will try what he prescribed this time. He is really the antithesis of holistic health, and not a great listener either.

The other was a clarifying conversation with someone who I feel I can now say is a friend. I wasn't sure how to approach the conversation, but I knew that I needed it to happen. And so I bumbled, but it was okay. And, I felt better about my friend, about myself and about the whole situation.

The path is being cut, forged through. I'm not done - there will be more situations soon where my emotions and guts need to be consulted, and clarity of words held at the same time. But, I feel good about today.

Cutting the path

I'm feeling like I'm in new territory once again. Territory where I need to trust my gut and my emotions. A path that hasn't exactly been cleared yet, although, there may be a faint path where others have gone before.

What I'm feeling a need for is a compass, something to help me to decide direction - something to clearly guide me. I'm praying. But, I will admit that I'm not so sure that crystal clarity is going to occur.

What's funny is that these themes do keep swirling around each other. It's not one thing, it's many. My task will to be to ask questions and then respond out of what I think and feel. I'm good at that first task but hit or miss on the second.

And, I wonder why I sit here on Saturday, July 4th, working on a sermon, resenting that I couldn't go out of town with friends. I want to escape decision making for a little while. To be airlifted off the path, even if I have to be dropped back again.

For the weekend, I'm camping out here - until that time that I need to start poking around and feeling my way through the forest. The path is always here, and so the tasks are not forgotten.

Feet

Facebook status updates aren't sufficing for "what I'm thinking about." What I'm thinking about (at the moment) isn't pithy or funny. I'm thinking about feet, which, one might say, could be pithy and funny.

My feet were hurting on Friday (and a little bit yesterday) from the amount of walking I'd been doing. Also, because my running shoes are not supporting me like they used to. That's what happens after 4 years of use. (I really need to stop buying other things (ie. new computer) and get new running shoes if I want happy feet again).

Friends were in town on Friday and we walked around the lakefront, in neighborhoods and then went to Summerfest. During our walk we had a difficult time figuring out where we might use "the facilities" and M said that at these times she always thinks about the assertion that our feet are connected to other parts of the body, and the one connected to the bladder is the heel. So as one walks, each time the foot hits the pavement, there is a reminder of the need to find a restroom.

In the last 6 months or so, I have noticed that I've developed the tendency to stretch and rotate my feet. Part of this has something to do with past injuries, part of this has something to do w/ my decrepit running shoes. But, I wonder if part of it, too, is if I'm preparing myself to use my feet differently.

One of my ordination texts was Isaiah 52:7-10:

How beautiful upon the mountains

are the feet of the messenger who announces peace,
who brings good news,
who announces salvation,
who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns.’

I chose it because I had heard a great sermon (given at the Presiding Bishop's installation) that focused on where feet went. I also chose it because I do love my feet. I'm thinking about where my feet are going and in what way I'm walking. Lately, they've been traveling more and more with friends. Lately, at work, they've been switching places with those I had previously been leading - and I am now following. Lately, they've been feeling a little ancy.

I'm thinking about my feet. New shoes, a pedicure, summer time, and where those feet go. It could be a pithy statement, but I don't want it to be.

She's got the I-yi-yi-yi-yi-wants

What do I want?

I don't know a lot of the time. But, it's something I'm needing to be paying attention to, because I so quickly pay attention to what other people want.

What do I want?

I guess I do know some of it - respect from all, love from some.

I want to have deep friendships and meaningful work.

I want to sleep well at night.

I know the big picture wants. But, in the moment?

Me knowing what I want in a particular moment doesn't always happen.

I can solve things, fix things, make things happen, especially for other people.

But ask me what I want, I have a hard time saying.

Right now, I just want to know what I want.

Variations on a theme

It's funny how themes sometimes come together at the right time.

I put off sermonizing for a wedding until the day of...and the day of gave a perfect illustration with which to map out the sermon.

As I had already been preparing to preach this Sunday on a piece of Scripture where Jesus calms the storm in the midst of the sea, Thursday night brought frightening thunder.

Life events lately have somehow had themes as well. Curiosities, possibilities, stability...not just one area of life, but spanning at least a couple.

Right at this very moment, I'm a little nervous about all of the travel I'm wanting to plan - and pay for. I started to get a plane ticket but had to back out (with the grace of a one-time "get out of reservation free" option through Expedia), because I stupidly didn't check my schedule. Then, I started to search for a ticket on Megabus... but took too long and when I attempted to log back in, it wouldn't let me. So, my path forward is going in fits and starts...with some diversions along the way.

That actually describes how I'm feeling about many of my tasks at the moment...even in getting ready for my day. All variations on a theme.

I'd be ready for a theme that rang with the joy of vacation...

Not an absence, just a re-routing.

I have been blogging, just not posting.

There is something in blogging that is safe - I don't see the expressions on your faces as you read; I'm not even exactly sure who is reading, or when y'all will read this.

But, blogging isn't safe at the same time. For the same reasons listed above, but also, because it's not dialogue.

I learn a lot about myself as I write and as I type. It's why I journal (both w/ pen and paper and on a computer...different beauties to each method). And, I learn a lot about myself as I write with the recognition that others are going to read.

But, I also learn a lot when I dialogue.

And, I'm finding that I'm wanting to be private in certain things. Which isn't all that surprising. But, means that I don't really have a lot to say here for all to see.

No Net

Today was Palm Sunday - wait, no it was Passion - or, a bit of both. I'm not sure when and where Palm Sunday and Sunday of the Passion combined, but that's how we do it. Actually, I really like the quick switch - I like that it shows the glaring mirror of how fickle humanity can be.

So, in addition to processing - inside for the first time due to sleet - from the Fellowship Hall to the Sanctuary....in addition to me barking to those people who were already sitting in their pews to get up and walk around in the procession (WALK! if you are physically able!)...in addition to some strange rearranging of worship to help people recognize what we were doing (since they were not in the Fellowship Hall at the beginning to understand) - I decided to preach an impromptu sermon.

I was standing up there, during the reading of Mark 14 & 15, a little miffed that it felt like people were just there for the spectacle, and realized that I wanted people to hear why it's important that we actually be the crowd.

I remember some of what I said, and I'm told it was actually a good sermon. But, there was no net. I just got up there and started talking. It was fun - and nerve wracking - and felt bold, and audacious (I've been using that word a lot lately). But, the Spirit flew - and at least hit some.