Pulling Together

I'm feeling like I'm getting back to normal - like I'm able to focus on others; like I'm getting time to relax and rest; like I'm no longer on the end of my rope.

Part of it is the process of getting settled. I am enjoying these new places - both home and work. Work feels like it can finally settle in because I know that my colleague will be around for a little while and won't becoming bishop. I know that my job is going to be what I expected it to be when I took the call. I know that I'm enjoying myself, and am pretty confident that I will continue to enjoy myself.

Home is settling. I do have some work to do. And, I will have little projects here and there - as time and money allow. I like having those projects. I like that I get to continuously make this a more comfortable place. I maybe should knock on wood w/ this, but for the time being, this is fun.

And, car. It's getting figured out. I did get a citation. I'll pay it and let the points come off my record. I bought a car that I picked up yesterday and while it's not quite the same quality that my Civic was, it's a nice little car that runs well and that has what I need in it.

Finally, I'm pulling together because I've finally gotten to find time to spend with some people who I haven't seen much of, to make some of the phone calls I owe, to make social plans. I am still missing some folks - I miss them a whole lot - but as I pull together - as I settle - that too will come around.

NO MORE DRAMA!

I'm praying for no more drama. I feel like these last 3+ months have been all about the drama. Leaving the old church, starting the new church. Then, house hunting. Condo-buying.

I closed on Friday, the 13th (of November) - then on the 15th I caught some crazy bug that kept me from a Sunday morning in which I was supposed to preach. I was also supposed to start ripping out carpet. I did that the next day - put in floors, painted walls (taking a week off to do so). Then, the next weekend, the day after Thanksgiving, I moved.

That was a week and one day ago. I still have boxes. I'm still settling in. Tomorrow I host my first gathering here (other than the night of my closing): my book club. It won't be all put together, but I hope to have to reasonably so.

But, beyond that, there has been other drama.

Drama #1

The week before my move I received a call from the council president of my former parish telling me the following story:

She had received a phone call that morning from a police officer who had been called to a tavern the night before. Apparently, somebody called the police because they overheard an intoxicated individual talking about how they were hired to kill the pastor of my former parish. Since there had not been a pastor there with any regularity since I had been (they just called someone who will start mid-Dec), they decided I'd better know about it.

I stayed at a friend's house and tried to live life as normal. But, it was hard. I was unnerved. I thought about how people who live with this every day use up so much energy forcing themselves to actually live and not just be afraid. A couple days later I ended up talking with one of the police detectives who and apprehended this gentleman. Someone w/ mental health issues and who was an alcoholic. Someone who would never be hired for this kind of thing. Someone who was trying to prove he was somebody by talking big. Someone who I might have not even known who I was - or anything about me. And, maybe it wasn't even me he meant.

I'm feeling like that is resolved - especially since I've moved since then. But, it took a mighty bit of energy.

Drama #2

My colleague - the one who made accepting a new call in a team position very attractive (a large part of why I took this call was to work with him) - was one of the "identified leaders" to be the bishop for my synod. Yesterday and today were the election. He did quite well, but ultimately is not the called bishop.

But, what this has meant has been a bit of the unknown. I haven't wanted to plan too far ahead, not knowing what was going to be. I haven't wanted to make too many assumptions. The possibility that he would be bishop and not sr. pastor always loomed over any type of planning conversation, even though we mostly didn't talk about it.

So, that drama is resolved. And, now, it feels good to be able to settle in.

Drama #3

The freshest drama. I was in a pretty major car accident today. I am physically okay. I actually don't feel anything. I might tomorrow - I don't know. I had a small headache earlier, but that partly felt like the caffeine withdrawal (that I've been going through b/c I haven't had much coffee lately) more than anything.

I came around a corner too fast. I knew it was too fast, and was slowing down. But, then, I saw a car in the right-hand shoulder. And, I swerved to miss it. The swerve took me too far the other way - I lost control - and attempted to swerve the other way - which drove me right into the other car (a van, actually).

My airbags deployed. My tire and front passenger side are smashed up. I got out - really shaken. An ambulance was right behind me and stopped to make sure I was okay. He called the police, and I did too. So, two cars came, which turned out to be good.

The first started talking to me - and I'm actually not sure how the second knew to drive around and look for someone else. But, he left and I guess came back with someone who was very drunk.

Five minutes earlier, that drunk person had been in the vehicle I hit. He had hit a pole and nursed the car to the place it was. Left the car - got out - and started walking.

I'm haunted by this. And, I may later come back to edit this - but right now I have to write it down. I'm haunted by two things. One, that I did lose control of my car. It was frightening to drive tonight (a rental car, that is). I was the slow-granny-driver in the far right lane driving 1/2 a football field's length away from the car in front of me. I think I'll get more courageous as time goes by - but it's very unnerving right now.

Secondly, I'm haunted that I hit near the driver's side. Had that man not gotten out of the car - had he not gotten out of the way - I'm not sure what would have happened.

I'm tired. It's been a long two days. But, really, it's been a really long month. A lot of good. But, some pretty dramatic bad. Right now, I just want to sleep. Tomorrow, I hope I laugh a lot. Monday, I have many, many details to take care of. Tuesday - I'll get back into the swing of work. At least, that is what I hope. And, I'm needing to look at this as one day at a time. I'm overwhelmed. And grateful that although there have been some harrowing situations, no one has been hurt.

I am safe. I am in a secure home. I am in a secure workplace. I will eventually figure out what needs to be done regarding car things, and I will face the consequences. And, I thank God the consequences are not more than money, time and confession can fix.

Zoiks!

I just need to record this idea somewhere. If I happen to have short hair again - the style it is now - at Halloween, I should really go as Velma from Scooby Doo.

Wrinkle-Free

Well, I'm not wrinkle-free, but apparently the amount of stress I carry in my face, or rather, the lesser amount of stress, is noticeable.

I ran into some former parishioners at a synod event last week and two of them commented that I appeared less stressed and more relaxed. Others have made comments as well.

Now, I did start using a different product on my face about the time I started my new job. That could certainly have something to do with it. But, I do think I'm more relaxed, less stressed in my work life.

I may have bitten off a little more than I can chew in regards to the home improvements I'd like to make on my condo, but that's another story.

I can't say that work is perfect. But, I can say that I am definitely realizing the benefits of not being alone in this work, of being part of a staff. I am more relaxed, and I am enjoying myself every day.

Cleared for Landing

At the time of my last blog post, I was in the process of making the big decision to buy a condo. This condo is fine - it will be lovely once I take off the wood paneling and paint and change the floors. It's a steal in many ways - two bedroom, ground level (and so my own entrance), a block from a park w/ an entrance to a much longer biking/running/xx skiing path. It seems to be a quiet, yet populated community. With a good mixture of people who are older and people in their 20s and 30s.

I'm sooo excited (and nervous!) about this! I'm pumped to get to start putting my own touches on my living space - but that's also unsettling because I'm not sure I'm cut out artistically for that. We'll see. I'm taking advice as I go along. I feel pretty confident in finding color/what not - that I like. It's the special methods of painting I'm not so sure about.

However, as I was considering buying, I found myself worrying about community and place. When I started to consider taking this new call, I was pretty adamant that I didn't want to be too far away from the friend-community I've worked really hard to build. 'Though this call is in the same synod, it is 40 minutes from my current community. Not that it's that far from all of my friends, but that is a bit of a distance from some with whom I spend a great deal of time.

Yet, I also didn't want to be too far away from work.

When I began to consider where I would ideally land, I thought of a particular intersection of highway that felt like it would get me quickly either direction. I ruled it out pretty quickly because of the cost of housing in the area I thought had the most homes. Turns out, my new home is closer to that intersection than any of that housing would have been! And, it was not too costly.

But, then I got to thinking. Will that be my community? If I'm living in between my social life and my work life, will I really live my life? Will I work at all to meet people in that area, my new neighbors? Or, will I be too full of old friend and new work communities to even give it a shot?

Will I begin to learn the legalities of that city? Will I know who the mayor is and what school district and follow referendums? Will I care if I don't really know others who care?

I hope I will. I'm recognizing that I'm now, in some ways, going to be juggling three communities. I suppose that, as has been my pattern so far, I will slowly integrate - slowly become part of - this new community too. I sure hope so - I don't want my community to be fully dependent on my car...

Why I'm Comfortable

Before I get to my real post I'd like to brag: My day off began with coffee and a chocolate croissant.

It's been an incredibly full week, but a good one too. I feel really comfortable in this new call, which makes me wonder about a couple different theories, that I'm not completely sure I want to fully admit or commit to.

First, I honestly do think it is a culture thing. This new church is so much more like the congregation in which I grew up. The people are like people I went to high school and college with - people that I volunteered with - people I connect with more naturally due to common interest, common experience. I get this culture. For better and for worse, I feel at home in this culture - and natural. I think I also bring some experience which will allow me to compassionately and authentically challenge - but it is also less work for me to find myself in the middle of this place.

This of course, makes me mindful of the balance of comfort - and being called out of what is comfortable. I struggle with that - with accepting that it might be okay for me to be in a call where I'm very much similar to everyone else. Where I feel at home pretty much right away. Because I so value diversity, I've sometimes gone away from where it is I'm most comfortable. And, now I find myself in it. So I have the dueling emotions of relief and guilt that I am so comfortable already.

Secondly, the part I really haven't thought too much about - but that does rumble inside my head: I am not in charge. Yes, I have responsibility. Yes, I am still Pastor. But, I'm not carrying the full weight.

I've been a little amazed at how easily I've slipped into the supportive role...of course, I am just starting to learn the congregation - so it may be that I'm less invested...but I also think I'm just naturally a team player - and not necessarily one that needs to be the lead.

So, that does make me wonder about the environments and levels of responsibility to which I'm called, especially as I recognize how much more energy I've had this week (even as I've been exhausted...funny, that). Maybe it's the change up - maybe it's the level of support at my previous call - but, I'm feeling much more at home in this situation where I am not where "the buck stops."

I'm not making grand declarations, nor am I putting myself in a box, but I am noting the incredible change and wondering about my skill set, what I enjoy, and my temperament and what that means for now and for the future.

Since it seems I'm forecasting posts now: The next post will be about community and where I land.

Beginning Again

Today I begin as Associate Pastor at a new church.

Obviously, much has been in the works - interviewing, discerning, deciding, announcing, leaving, resting. But now, I'm jumping in - with excitement - and nervousness.

I have many thoughts about how starting this second call is different than the first one, most markedly, I believe I'm just calmer overall. But, that will have to wait until another time.

Now I have to get a little more coffee and start to get ready.