I thought a certain amount of discernment would be done by now. But, I sit here again, wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life.
Work is fine. Nothing amazing. Nothing horrible. Except, I am feeling less and less called to what I am doing. I wonder about other ways my call to ministry can be lived out - but in my minimal searching in the last year have found nothing that inspires me.
Honestly, I'm going to take a chance and actually post this, even with the revealing questions here, partly because I figure someone else has to be asking them too, at least internally.
Does anyone else feel called to the work, but not the lifestyle?
I'm a pk. I knew what I was getting into, but since the very beginning of my ministry I have struggled with the expectations of time and schedule. I knew what I was getting into, but I've been resentful of some of the very things I know other pastors take great joy in.
Does anyone else wonder about taking a break to try some other career?
Only, as a break, with the option to return? (Obviously not to the current parish, but to parish ministry in general...without all the hoops.) I don't even know what I would be good at. I have some ideas of what I'd like to try, but I'm scared to look into any of them. How do I even begin to examine this?
Does anyone else feel the urge to be a valued member of a congregation rather than the leader?
I have some fantasies about that, actually. "Sure, Pastor, I'd love to fill in for your Confirmation class while you are on vacation. Yes, I would like to head up the service project that can be completed in a month. No, I'd rather not sit on the Stewardship Team, thank you." To be able to worship each week. To create church-based relationships that don't have the power differential of me being the pastor or as colleagues to one another.
Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is God's call to me - a call that I can't see the entire picture of yet. I have been sitting at this place for a while, hoping for some clarity. Sometimes hoping that it would just go away so I could keep on keeping on. I've prayed - and prayed - and meditated - and prayed. I've talked with my counselor. But, I still sit with the question of what I am to be doing.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't make rash decisions. And this won't be one either. I continue to pray for some direction, some clarity. And, while patience is not a strength of mine, I'll try to maintain it - and in the meantime, serve God where I am now, to the best of my ability.
But still.....
