Raw and Unapologetic Spiritual Processing

***Warning*** Spiritual Processing Ahead***Warning***

As many of you know, I'm overly-self-aware, highly opinionated (although, I don't believe oppressively so), an analyzer and sometimes have deep emotions about minor things. I often pay attention to my emotions and take a cue from them in helping me make decisions. I wouldn't say that I react emotionally, but that I touch base with how I'm feeling as decisions are being made.

In these last 6 months (since about Easter) I haven't had clear emotions in many of the areas of my life. I'm prepared for that fogginess when it comes to personal life and even to some extent work life. (Although, I must say, the work has not been too foggy....my investment sometimes has been, but that's another story). What I haven't been prepared for is an extended period of spiritual haze.

I met with my spiritual director last week - and she helped me put much in perspective. And then, I read the Scripture for this upcoming week. Elijah commands God's power in amazing signs and then is running scared from the people with whom he dueled. Peter sees Jesus walking on water and commands Jesus to reveal his divinity even further by making it possible for Peter to walk on water.

In Elijah, God was in the silence. In Matthew, Jesus calmed the storm - and it wasn't up to the disciples to really do anything but let him in the boat and worship. (Although, we don't know what would have happened if they hadn't).

My sermon in a few days may very well head this direction, but it's too raw for me to share this with my church now. I've shared times of unrest and spiritual difficulties before, but always in hind sight. I just don't think I can do that with this now.

Honestly, part of it is that I'm in the middle of that story. I'm trying to command God to show me something - to connect with me in specific ways. But, I think that my job right now (in my spiritual life) is simply to look for God. In power and simplicity. And, to be with God. In the silence.

That's hard for me. But at least it's clear.