Quips With Substance

Interspersed with the pew pews of Star Wars play, and episodes of tantrums, David (who is 5) is able to succinctly name truths of the world. A few days ago it was, "But, I just want to do what I  want without consequences!" And earlier this Spring, as he was explaining that he does not believe in the Easter Bunny, but his older brother (who I think continues to) was arguing with him said, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. What really matters is the Jesus came back to life."

He can be particularly defiant and strong headed and persistent. And, he is precocious - thinking he should be able to give us consequences when he doesn't like what we have done. Somehow he has decided that a consequence he can issue to me is that I will no longer "be married to Daddy" and that I have to leave the house for 5 days...except to take care of him when Pablo is working. He also sends me to my room for 5 hours at a time. I'm regularly tempted to take him up on it.

I want my big thinking, passionate little one to maintain both of those qualities. At preschool he has seemed to figure out how to navigate following rules and instructions from the teacher - in fact, much like his brother he says he "doesn't like" the kids who don't follow the rules. As he moves into kindergarten this year, I look forward to him learning more about how to operate within the structure of school and I wonder how that will impact his life outside of school. 

Whose Little Brown Boys

When Michael Brown was killed by police in Ferguson, MO I was entering my third trimester with my first beloved brown little boy. 

Closer to home in Chicago, and only a couple months later, Laquan McDonald was shot in the back while walking away from police. Less than a month later, I would welcome my (first) sweet little one into the world.

Yesterday, footage was released of the police murder of Adam Toledo, a 13-year old boy who was turning around with his hands up when a Chicago police officer shot him in the chest. As with other moments of police murder and brutality, I am NOT going to watch the video that was released, but I believe that, as I heard someone comment on NPR today, Adam did everything he was told. And he was killed.

Adam Toledo was only 7 years older than my oldest child. 

My kids are learning about racism, but I have yet to have the conversation with either one of them that they might be the recipients of racism, of the engrained disparity created by white supremacy, of police brutality. 

They are cushioned, somewhat, by wealth. They will have more privilege and safety than many. But, I know I'm unable to fully protect them from micro aggressions, let alone larger repercussions of white supremacy. 

Right now, I am feeling more sadness than fear. More despair at our country and the racist systems that continue to perpetrate violence upon black and brown people than worry about what my children will experience. 

But the shadow of what my children might experience certainly weighs heavily.

I'm a Joiner

Part of figuring out what I want to do with my energy and time is that it seems like there are a lot of little things that can add up quickly.

Pablo and I have very different ideas of how a person is involved in community - perhaps to the extreme. Or, maybe rather, I'm the extreme one and Pablo is how everyone else is. My natural urge is to step in and help out in whatever is needed. To be part of whatever work seems to be needed - even if no one else has said it's something to be needed. Pablo will be involved in some things if asked, but when we talk about whether I'm going to do something he will say that he just doesn't have the same compulsion as I do.

While this stepping into community tasks has meant I've gotten to be part of some interesting things - and sometimes discovered that which I'm definitely not good at - it has also meant in recent years that my saying yes impacts my family. As the main family calendar keeper, I also have to figure out how things get covered when I'm busy working on other things. 

This was the case when I was working too - and sometimes I felt I had to negotiate when I would fit in time to do my work. We would figure out some givens - like that Pablo would do something with the kids every Saturday morning and he was in charge of everything on Sunday mornings - but since my job wasn't something that was just clocking in and clocking out - but creating something that sometimes came easily and other times didn't, as well as responding to other people's needs - I often felt like I was carving out time to do things for work when other people would be using that time for exercise or rest.

But, back to my compulsion to join into community tasks: I've also recently decided that I don't want to be a complainer, but if I have a complaint think about how I can contribute to a more positive outcome. So, this moves me to be more involved. I was frustrated that our neighborhood was doing events geared for teenagers and older. I realized that this was merely a friend group that was doing things and inviting others. They weren't cruise captains needing to tend to everyone's interests. So, a friend and I put together an event for younger kids - and we'll do more too, I'm sure. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide whether I should say yes to being on my congregation's call committee. I have some big opinions, and am not sure how much I want to put them out there - or have them be involved in this process. I need to decide quite soon...but either way, the things I've had strong opinions about (some things I would name as complaints) could be addressed if I am involved. Or, at least my point of view would be heard. 

Because, finally,  I'm glad that I get to do some of these other little things outside of house and home. I miss working with other people on things, and this gives me a little taste. I miss having my voice listened to (because my kids really aren't) and creating together - where ideas grow and things are better because everyone had input. And, I miss seeing where I make my mark.

SNOW!

We have had so much snow in the last week and I love it! Today we shoveled about a foot, and while I'm a little achy, I look forward to shoveling again tomorrow. 

There is something more fun about snow with the kids too. We're sledding down snow piles in our yard. Digging trenches and building walls to protect from snowball fights. We built two snowmen today - as target practice for the snowballs. Even just tromping through the snow is more fun. And, there is a lot of laughter.

I'm guessing I will continue to have fun in the snow my whole life, but there is really something special about the joy of snow with young kids.

Writing: What Might Be

I did not write yesterday and I've struggled some days to feel like I want to write. It's not that I struggle for ideas, but those ideas often come throughout the day and I don't remember them by the time I get to 9pm and have a free moment to myself. Or, 9pm hits and I have 2 loads of laundry to fold and a husband to talk to and the recognition that morning comes awfully early. Or, I have a book that is due to the library.

And, I have never been my most creative, my most descriptive, my most introspective in the evening. My best writing often happens in the morning.

There is much that I've had to adapt to with marriage and children. With a spouse who often starts work by  7am (when he commutes - rarely these days - leaving by 6:30) and children who wake up early and do not want to be alone, my days are not my own starting at 6:30. Sometimes I get up at 5:45 so that I can fit in some exercise or a shower - and I can do those body-moving things. But my brain takes a little bit to wake up and when I've tried to wake up early to write, I rarely get far before I'm called on to be mom.

As with so many other things, this is but a season of my life. I'm hoping that after tomorrow (the end of the month that I said I'd write frequently) I continue to make and find time to write. Partly because it reminds me later what life is like. Partly because it helps me process what is going on in life. Partly because I sort of like the idea of my words going out into the system and perhaps read by someone somewhere.

I have wondered what it would be like to write a book. To write something that others might read. To have the routine and dedication to come up with and idea and sit and work at it for however long it took to complete it. And then to sit and work it over so that it was clearer and grammatically correct and conveyed my true thoughts. 

Someday, maybe. Or, perhaps I'll continue to periodically journal-blog my thoughts and experiences as they occur.

At least what I read from this blog - going back to it's beginning - is so much less embarrassing than reading my jr high journals.

Deep Thoughts By David, Part 2

I'm not always sure what my kids are picking up about God and faith. We struggle with prayer (both have made it quite clear that bedtime prayer is not helpful for them). We have a hard time being in a worship service - whether in person pre-pandemic, or now on-line. Gabriel will do on-line Sunday School, but doesn't like to be on camera or respond to things. David will be there for songs and then pop in and out.

But, again, he is thinking. His recent deep question goes something like this. "It's so silly. God and Jesus are the same person, but God is Jesus' dad. How does God carry Jesus?"

I have no answer for him other than to say that it is silly and people have been trying to figure that out for lots and lots of years. I love that he is imagining how this relationship could be and that to him a dad carries the son. I love that he starts with that it's silly.

Mostly, I'm amazed at 4-year-old deep thoughts and how they give me deeper insight into relationships. 

Deep Thoughts By David

David, who is 4, has been showing signs of incredibly deep thoughts in the last half year or so. A few months ago he all of a sudden realized that people die (likely nudged into that discovery since both Pablo and I had uncles die in the last year). One day, seemingly out of the blue, David looked at me with seriousness and a little bit of panic and said "I don't want you to die." 

In talking about death we've danced over that line of assurance and not making promises you can't keep. We've talked about that we're healthy. We work to be and stay healthy. We don't have any reason to believe that we will be dying soon. We've also talked a little about the fact that everything dies. That it's part of living. That we are sad, but that at some point it is just time for our bodies to be done. And, we've talked about God being with us all the time - even and especially when and after we die. That we are never alone. That we are with God forever.

David still makes us promise that we we try really hard not to die, even when we're really old. And we say we will try really hard not to die.

This kid is thinking. He's sometimes aware of things going on around him that surprise me. And sometimes he is not at all. We were having an especially hard week and I complained to another mom in at preschool pick up as we walked to our cars. As I got into the car I realized David probably heard every single thing. When we got home I said to him, "David, I am sorry. I was complaining to Spencer's mom about things that feel hard about being a mom. I shouldn't have done that. His quick response, "That's okay. I didn't hear it." And he ran off to play.

The Never-Ending Parenting of Young Children During a Pandemic

I'm sure there is someone in the world who has felt fewer repercussions of the global pandemic than I have. True, I'm not able to do many things, but for the most part my quality of my and my family's life is just as high as it was before.

And yet, I want to complain. 

Another preface: I love my sweet little children. They are fun and funny, smart and precocious. They keep me on my toes and moving. They regularly express their love for me in cuddles, giggles, demands and words of endearment.

And yet. 

I so want a day or two where I don't have to make food and clean up after them. Where I don't have to make sure they aren't fighting or watching too much tv. Where I can sit down and read for a couple hours or watch something I want to watch in the middle of the day. 

But most of all, I want to have a day where Pablo and I can enjoy time with just one another. To not have to make lists throughout the day to hopefully be able to fill the other in on. To have time to casually meander somewhere - to grab some food (even if it's socially distant) without having to worry about what the kids will eat - to just enjoy each other.

We aren't comfortable with having anyone in our home let alone having someone come and take care of our kids, so it will be a while still. 

And yet...I'm so looking forward to when we can.

Transmitted Traits

Gabriel has always been an early riser. And, since he's been able to get out of his own bed, has been a cheerful one. Once he's gotten me up, he will often cheerfully chat with excitement and giggles as I grunt and try to wake up. If I'm reading while he is watching tv or playing a video game, he doesn't notice, and will often talk through whatever it is he's supposedly watching.

It's those times that I feel like I can finally see my mom when I was a kid. The hopping out of bed, the mindless (and sometimes seemingly endless) chatter, the interrupting without thought to what the other was concentrating on - all things that I did as a kid - at least through middle school. And my mom trying - and almost always succeeding to be patient. To answer. To put her finger in her spot on the crossword puzzle she was working on and look up at me as I chattered. 

And, I also see me when I was a kid. An eagerness to get moving with the day - even if it's to go sit and play games (or in my case, read). A curiosity and good-naturedness that sometimes start to wane at night, but almost always pop up fresh again in the morning.

He may look exactly like his dad, but I'm in there too.

It feels a little surprising to me that these personality traits are such a mirror to how I believe I was as a kid. My dad is similar - although I'm not sure that I realized I was like him in that way when I was younger. And, I certainly do not hop out of bed with energy now (although I hope that some eagerness, curiosity and good-naturedness do show up now and again). 

And, I won't despair if he loses some of that eagerness for a bit - I know I could be a moody teenager and too cool for my family. But, I hope that even if that is the case with Gabriel, each morning still brings curiosity and a fresh start.

No More Rev

On Tuesday I got a call that didn't surprise me, but that I wasn't really expecting. Our church's associate pastor took a new call and the senior pastor was asking if I could fill in on an interim basis. At my request he named a few of the tasks that he was hoping someone would be able to fill - which if he had asked me 10 years ago I would have jumped at: preaching periodically, confirmation and Sunday School. If I were in a call I would have wanted to have other responsibilities, but to just fill in with those duties would have been fun. 

After talking with Pablo, I came to the realization that while I am immediately concerned about the amount of time these things would require, it's mostly about the fact that I'm intentionally stepping out of the identity of pastor. It's a weird and emotional thing to be letting go of the title of Pastor and the Reverend. And, I'm in the middle of that work right now. I'm preparing to, at the end of August, send a letter to my alma maters to ask them to change my title from Rev to Ms. I already am not wanting to claim any authority regarding worship or faith - although don't get me started on justice issues. 

When talking with my dear friend, Melinda, the other day, I named that presiding at sacraments (baptism and communion) are things that I miss dearly. But beyond that (and the celebration of what I have been able to do as pastor for 15 (really more like 11) years), I am not mourning the responsibilities of being a pastor. 

But those are no small thing. 

I've left a message saying I'd like to talk about the details, but I'm ultimately going to say that I will help with Sunday School as a parent. If he prefers to have someone do all three of those as a pastor, that is fine. I just am clear that I do not want to be in a position as pastor or "the Rev" anymore.

Anti-Racist Communities

Back in June/July I wrote to the school board and then, in response, had a conversation with our school district's curriculum director regarding anti-racism curriculum and hiring practices. At that time, I put a note for myself in my calendar to contact my son's principal in October to follow up. It is of note that this was before we had actually begun at the school, and that way back in June/July, I had some assumption that we wouldn't have as many concerns about COVID as we did. I'm not sure why, but I was thinking we'd be in a pattern and October would be a time when all of the extra start up energy began to not be needed. But, of course, that is when the push began to get kids back into schools and I know that our administrator's energy was already being stretched.

So, I kept putting it off, and kept putting it off. Today, a bit on a whim, but also because I'd learned about new IL legislation that requires training in culturally responsive teaching, I finally wrote. I feel a little timid because I don't actually know what is being done around anti-racism in our area and I am not an expert. But, I do want to make sure that 1) this community is safe for my kids - and all other children regardless of their color and 2) I want my kids to have a non-white-centered education...meaning a much broader, more robust education that I did not get. 

I'd love if there was a group that I could join that was doing this kind of work already - whether in my school district or in others. I wish I knew how to best help our community and leaders grow to being anti-racist. I know it's personal work, but I feel like I'm fumbling at trying to raise it as an issue to work on in our community. All of a sudden I'm not a leader at anything, but this is something that I feel so strongly about and I believe needs to be a constant focus.

Consequential

My brain is mush. My motivation is pretty low too. I'd like to go hide in a cabin somewhere for a few days - just by myself...but with wifi to watch all the Netflix I want. And, I'll eat all the foods that I crave. Of course, then I'll get a stomach ache and feel uncomfortable because I'm no longer 25 and everything I put into my body seems to have a repercussion.

Tonight we could overhear the boys talking in the play room while we sat talking at the kitchen table. David asked Gabriel, "What is a punishment?" And Gabriel said "It's when you do something bad and then you get something taken away. It's a, it's a...consequence." 

I've been using the word consequence a lot with both kids. And I could tell Gabriel was working hard to remember it - but he did. I've tried to parent with natural consequences - meaning that whatever punishment happens is directly related to what was done wrong. It doesn't always work, but it's pretty easy when it's something like mistreating property. Less obvious when it's simply not listening to parental directions (although, sometimes there too it's obvious...you didn't get your shoes on by yourself when I asked you to, now I will do it for you. You didn't come when I asked, you missed out on the surprise or treat.)

Today's news is full of consequences. Consequences of this current administration's false claims of fraud and stoking of conspiracy, consequences of social media posts that show people committing sedition (and jobs lost), and consequences of the white supremacy upon which our country is built. What we do matters. What we say matters. Who we allow to make decisions matters. 

In many cases, it feels like so many haven't had to bear the consequences of their actions. I saw it noted that lawmakers now know what it's like to cower under desks, as so many school children have done when gunmen have terrorized schools. I'm sure that many in power, including our current president, rarely have to bear the consequences of their decisions and actions - but others do.

I won't be eating all the junk food I want. My kids are still going to have a toy taken away if they throw it at someone. And I'll be watching to see what consequences bear out from all the terror inflicted yesterday.

A Rough Day

Uff - today was a rough one. 

While many are having long weeks (already - it's only Tuesday!) because it's the first week back to school (and for some, work) after winter break, that wasn't really our story today. Perhaps it was a contributing factor, but neither of the people who actually had work to do (the work-from-home adult and the remote-learning kindergartener) were what made today especially tough. It was the preschooler, who is likely fighting the structure, and having a lot of feelings about having returned to preschool yesterday for the first time since Halloween.

Because of his dad's and brother's online work, we are needing to be more structured than we have been the last two weeks. And, a temper tantrum cannot happen near their work spaces - it's just too loud. 

So, he and I spent a lot of time working out his emotions in his room today. A number of toys got taken away until tomorrow...and then some until the next day when the brothers orchestrated a jail break for them (and succeeded). Tv is taken away until tomorrow afternoon for both of them as well.

I wondered today if I needed to make a chart to log when each toy and privilege would be returned. At this point I'm keeping track of it, but it wouldn't take too many more to flummox me.

Tonight, as he was falling asleep, David said "It's okay to yell if someone takes your toys, right?" And, I responded that no, that wasn't okay. I said it was okay to yell if you needed to warn someone they were going to get hurt - or if you were trying to get their attention outside. His brain is working - so hard. He's trying to sort out how to deal with these big emotions, and is worried that he's going out to school when no one else is leaving the house. If he has to wear a mask he figures it's not safe.

And frankly, I want to yell if someone takes something from me too.

Follow Ups

Both Gabriel's kindergarten introduction and my mom's appointment with the neurologist went well. Nothing huge at this time with Gabriel. We are preparing for eLearning. We ordered a kid's table and chair to use as a desk for him. We are meeting one of his classmates for the first time at the park tomorrow. All will be well. It will be different, but not to him. It will be something that he and his classmates will always be able to gage time with - how they began their schooling differently than most.

My mom's appointment brought some encouraging news - that perhaps she doesn't have Alzheimer's, but aphasia. I don't really know what that means. I'm not sure my parents are altogether sure either. But, they were given some homework (foods to eat, exercise to do, games to play), which feels more hopeful than simply taking a pill.

This new normal is going to take some care - some intentionality of paying attention both to the social aspect of Kindergarten for Gabriel, and of the ways I'm might be able to support my parents from afar. 

Next Stages of Life

Tomorrow my family has two vastly different assessments. Well, three if you count that someone is coming to measure our windows for the whole-house replacement for which we've already signed the papers.

Tomorrow I bring Gabriel into his elementary school for the first time. The purpose is for an assessment that the kindergarten teachers do in order to help them balance their classrooms well. My understanding is that I will wait somewhere while he will go with one of the teachers to a classroom. There are, of course, Covid protocols of masks and distance and disinfecting that will be in place. But, this is the first time we are stepping into the school. The first real step of Gabriel representing himself without me. I'm proud of him. I'm excited for him. 

Tomorrow, my mom and dad go to meet with a neurologist. Mom has had symptoms - and then appointments and tests that indicate that she is in an early stage of Alzheimer's disease. I've known - ministered - to people with Alzheimer's, of course. But I haven't really studied it - or known much about it other than how I've related to those I served. It's now very personal and while I want to know more, I'm struggling to read either of the books I've gotten or to spend any time learning more. I will as it all sinks in.

Both Gabriel entering school (especially since we're beginning with eLearning) and Mom's diagnosis are at the very beginning of these next stages. And, I begin my time as part of the sandwich generation. Each will need me to slowly change the way I relate to them. Gabriel, as he gains more independence. Mom, as she loses some. Gabriel will need me differently - and I will need to figure out how to need my mom differently too. 

A Turning of the Tide Or the Eye of the Storm?

"I don't want to jinx it, but your boys are really well behaved." Said the nurse in the exam room yesterday. For the first time in our almost-5 years of seeing him, our doctor was running behind schedule. We were there after preschool - over the lunch hour - with both boys for the doctor to look at a rash on David (not a major concern, with nothing to do for it...but now we know).

The kids did do a very good job in the waiting room and in the exam room and as we went to get water between seeing the nurse and the doctor coming in (because David kept asking for it mostly because he just likes to operate the water cooler - but the nurse just thought he was thirsty). They were curious, and asked questions. They laughed when the nurse called David "sir" and when the doctor made funny noises. David let the pokes and prods of an appointment happen without a fuss.

We had some water spills, and at the end we had a pretty big bathroom mishap (though he was sitting on the toilet, none of the pee went in the toilet...and he was carried out with my shirt around his waist). But, the nurse was right. They were well-behaved. At a time I didn't really expect them to be.

This has been happening more and more, lately. Not quite so much that I count on it. But with enough regularity that I don't think it's a fluke. It is getting easier to parent these two rambunctious kiddos. Easier at least for a little bit...

An Extension of Themselves

David, 2 ½, wants us to hold his arm while he eats and goes to sleep. He says "open/close" to indicate what we should do with our hand on his arm and often does that a number of times before relaxing into it. It's endearing and frustrating all at the same time. Sometimes it's pretty uncomfortable, especially when my arm is through his crib slats and I'm laying on the floor. Often, as I eat, I need to take my hand away for a moment, saying "I need two hands." He usually complains the entire time.

And, I am reminded that while my body continues to be my own, part of this role of motherhood - at least that way I am navigating it - includes allowing my body to be someone else's comfort. Allowing my kids to sit on me, hold onto me, snuggle into me, use my body as an extension of themselves.

I sometimes set my boundaries and say - "this is my body part." And when I do that I realize a bit of how this time of my body being theirs is actually pretty short. This time of them wanting to be right on top of me - or the natural way they grab my hand as we walk someplace - will likely only continue for a small portion of their lives. Sometimes I'm grateful that my body will one day again only be my own. And sometimes it feels sad to consider it.

Antidote

Yesterday was a lovely day (despite the stresses of work and world), in which I got to go to the Museum of Science and Industry with my 2 kids. They explored, they got their hands on different things (appropriately), they let me lead them to places they hadn't been before. We had a wonderful couple hours (that were also free except for parking)!

After the museum, we met up with my cousin Karin, who has a special relationship with my kids. I'm glad to have time with her too, but it was a particular blessing that she moved here to start classes at the same time I went back to work and was able to watch my kids one day a week for the first six months. I miss seeing her regularly, but both kids seem to easily fall back into trusting and loving her. As I think anyone would.

I get Thursdays alone with my kids this year. No appointments, no classes. No responsibilities to others. It's also the last year that both boys will not be in 5-day-a-week (full day!) school. So, I'm trying to get out and do things that are bit more far-flung or time consuming. Last week we went raspberry picking and then to a playground. I should maybe make a list of adventures so that we can keep it up.

Laurie Berkner

When I knew I was pregnant I went searching for new kids music to play and sing and dance with my kids. I didn't really find anything new - or danceable. The words I used to search were probably off. Anyway, somehow in the last 4 years I heard a musician named Laurie Berkner - and in this last year especially my kids cannot get enough of her.

There are some songs that both boys sing along to (David with sounds, Gabriel with words). We searched out a timpani earlier in the year because one is used in one of her songs. One of her songs begins with a countdown: 5...4...3, 2, 1 - Blast Off - which I often use to get my kids moving.

I can only handle so much of most kids music, but her music is fun and peppy and easy to listen to for hours on end. She plays a kid show at Ravinia each year, and we got to go this year. It was well worth it and I'm betting we'll go again.

I recently bought her Christmas album from about 5 years ago. One of the songs sings, "Christmas is coming..." It was on and Gabriel was singing it as we started up the stairs to get ready for bed. He excitedly turns to me and yells - "THIS SONG IS RIGHT! CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"

I am thankful for Laurie Berkner.

Snow Day

Today is a SNOW DAY!

Because of a restless kiddo, I only slept until 3:30. Lately I've had a difficult time falling back to sleep afterwards. This time, at least part of the reason why I was too restless to fall asleep again was because of my excitement about the snow.

Now it's pretty gusty out - and there are blizzard warnings (which I'm pretty sure is why the schools ended up closing), but I'm still going to try to get us all bundled up after breakfast to go out and play. And maybe again later in the day too.

I also have a couple of craft ideas for us to work on as well.
We have been home for the last 4 days for Thanksgiving, but for some reason I'm not feeling like we're going to struggle with being home for another day. I'm looking forward to the adventure of today. And, for that, I am thankful.