I'm a Joiner

Part of figuring out what I want to do with my energy and time is that it seems like there are a lot of little things that can add up quickly.

Pablo and I have very different ideas of how a person is involved in community - perhaps to the extreme. Or, maybe rather, I'm the extreme one and Pablo is how everyone else is. My natural urge is to step in and help out in whatever is needed. To be part of whatever work seems to be needed - even if no one else has said it's something to be needed. Pablo will be involved in some things if asked, but when we talk about whether I'm going to do something he will say that he just doesn't have the same compulsion as I do.

While this stepping into community tasks has meant I've gotten to be part of some interesting things - and sometimes discovered that which I'm definitely not good at - it has also meant in recent years that my saying yes impacts my family. As the main family calendar keeper, I also have to figure out how things get covered when I'm busy working on other things. 

This was the case when I was working too - and sometimes I felt I had to negotiate when I would fit in time to do my work. We would figure out some givens - like that Pablo would do something with the kids every Saturday morning and he was in charge of everything on Sunday mornings - but since my job wasn't something that was just clocking in and clocking out - but creating something that sometimes came easily and other times didn't, as well as responding to other people's needs - I often felt like I was carving out time to do things for work when other people would be using that time for exercise or rest.

But, back to my compulsion to join into community tasks: I've also recently decided that I don't want to be a complainer, but if I have a complaint think about how I can contribute to a more positive outcome. So, this moves me to be more involved. I was frustrated that our neighborhood was doing events geared for teenagers and older. I realized that this was merely a friend group that was doing things and inviting others. They weren't cruise captains needing to tend to everyone's interests. So, a friend and I put together an event for younger kids - and we'll do more too, I'm sure. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide whether I should say yes to being on my congregation's call committee. I have some big opinions, and am not sure how much I want to put them out there - or have them be involved in this process. I need to decide quite soon...but either way, the things I've had strong opinions about (some things I would name as complaints) could be addressed if I am involved. Or, at least my point of view would be heard. 

Because, finally,  I'm glad that I get to do some of these other little things outside of house and home. I miss working with other people on things, and this gives me a little taste. I miss having my voice listened to (because my kids really aren't) and creating together - where ideas grow and things are better because everyone had input. And, I miss seeing where I make my mark.

Writing: What Might Be

I did not write yesterday and I've struggled some days to feel like I want to write. It's not that I struggle for ideas, but those ideas often come throughout the day and I don't remember them by the time I get to 9pm and have a free moment to myself. Or, 9pm hits and I have 2 loads of laundry to fold and a husband to talk to and the recognition that morning comes awfully early. Or, I have a book that is due to the library.

And, I have never been my most creative, my most descriptive, my most introspective in the evening. My best writing often happens in the morning.

There is much that I've had to adapt to with marriage and children. With a spouse who often starts work by  7am (when he commutes - rarely these days - leaving by 6:30) and children who wake up early and do not want to be alone, my days are not my own starting at 6:30. Sometimes I get up at 5:45 so that I can fit in some exercise or a shower - and I can do those body-moving things. But my brain takes a little bit to wake up and when I've tried to wake up early to write, I rarely get far before I'm called on to be mom.

As with so many other things, this is but a season of my life. I'm hoping that after tomorrow (the end of the month that I said I'd write frequently) I continue to make and find time to write. Partly because it reminds me later what life is like. Partly because it helps me process what is going on in life. Partly because I sort of like the idea of my words going out into the system and perhaps read by someone somewhere.

I have wondered what it would be like to write a book. To write something that others might read. To have the routine and dedication to come up with and idea and sit and work at it for however long it took to complete it. And then to sit and work it over so that it was clearer and grammatically correct and conveyed my true thoughts. 

Someday, maybe. Or, perhaps I'll continue to periodically journal-blog my thoughts and experiences as they occur.

At least what I read from this blog - going back to it's beginning - is so much less embarrassing than reading my jr high journals.

My Best and Last First Date

Eleven years ago my husband and I had our first date. It was his 38th birthday. We originally met on a dating web site and had met in person the week before at a Mexican restaurant (Jose's Blue Sombrero) in Racine, WI, about ½ way in between our homes. 

For our first date we went ice skating downtown Milwaukee, went to a bar, and helped an older man who fell while trying to get home. While ice skating was dreamy, and hanging out at a bar fun, it's that act of service that sticks in my head. 

The man, perhaps in his 80s, seemed to be trying to wait for a bus or to catch a cab, but the cold wind knocked him over onto the ground. We were across the street and were able to get to him. Pablo was able to call a cab company to come and pick him up. The man seemed a little nervous with us there, so we waited in the car until we saw him get in his cab. 

As we reacted and problem solved, it felt like we were already a team. After just one date we were already being the complement to each other.

Eleven years later, as we celebrate his 49th birthday, we do so with two young kids, in the midst of a pandemic with a snowstorm approaching. Our celebration included Lou Malnati's pizza and Star Wars movie watching. And, it included each other. 

I am thankful for that day eleven years ago that was my best - and last - first date. And, I am thankful for each day, each year, each milestone I get to spend with my kind, smart, funny, handsome husband.

The Never-Ending Parenting of Young Children During a Pandemic

I'm sure there is someone in the world who has felt fewer repercussions of the global pandemic than I have. True, I'm not able to do many things, but for the most part my quality of my and my family's life is just as high as it was before.

And yet, I want to complain. 

Another preface: I love my sweet little children. They are fun and funny, smart and precocious. They keep me on my toes and moving. They regularly express their love for me in cuddles, giggles, demands and words of endearment.

And yet. 

I so want a day or two where I don't have to make food and clean up after them. Where I don't have to make sure they aren't fighting or watching too much tv. Where I can sit down and read for a couple hours or watch something I want to watch in the middle of the day. 

But most of all, I want to have a day where Pablo and I can enjoy time with just one another. To not have to make lists throughout the day to hopefully be able to fill the other in on. To have time to casually meander somewhere - to grab some food (even if it's socially distant) without having to worry about what the kids will eat - to just enjoy each other.

We aren't comfortable with having anyone in our home let alone having someone come and take care of our kids, so it will be a while still. 

And yet...I'm so looking forward to when we can.

On Display

For Christmas I got Pablo and 3-month subscription to an at-home mystery-solving game. It's essentially an escape room at home. We conquered the first month's challenge last night (in our pjs on our bed) and it was a lot of fun. It was maybe a little more focused and orderly than other escape rooms. In those rooms I'm always trying to remember every single little detail, thinking it might be important, and I get bogged down in the details. This one was also a lot of word-games - something I have more than my fair share of experience in.

I told Pablo I was much more relaxed than usual and I do think I feel pressure when I know someone is watching - even if they are watching so they can give us a hint.

That is perhaps an okay segue to the realization I've had recently that I have felt so much less in the public eye since leaving pastoral life 6 months ago. I'm glad to have some anonymity, although my last role really wasn't all that involved. I'm not needing to figure in decisions I make based on what they might communicate to the community I work for. 

On the flip side, I am feeling a little lost in realizing that without a particular role there is not much that people will look to me to do. So much of what I've done in life has happened because someone knew me and thought of me for something. A lot has fallen in my lap - and with that comes both the ease and excitement of moving into something new, as well as the responsibility of managing that public life.

Like I said, I'm grateful that I can not be a public person right now. But, I'm also aware that there is a part of me that will always be seeking to better the neighborhood, city, state, country - place in which I live. And that when all is said and done, my skills will likely lead me to a more public role again in the future.

Thanksgiving Traditions

On this, the day of Thanksgiving, my idea for a post I'd like to write feels complicated. Both because it's not completely clear about what it is I'm thankful for and also because my emotions are not completely clear.

Holidays and the meals/events that go with them have felt tough since joining my life with another person. They feel tough because I'd like to continue some of my own traditions, adopt some of his and to make some traditions together. And, I think we're likely doing that. So, for that I can be thankful.

What feels hard is that every family gathering that happens on the actual holiday is spent in what feels like someone else's traditions. We spend almost every holiday with his family - and understandably, they aren't trying to combine traditions with anyone else's - they're just doing what they always do.

And so, even when my family (me) hosts, the practices and traditions (even as simple as how you fill your plate with food) feel like they have to be fought for. So, my writing today is complicated. I guess I'm complaining that I don't get to celebrate the actual holiday with the warm feelings I'd like to. It feels like a negotiation - in which I'm the only one really trying to negotiate.

But, I am thankful at the same time. I'm thankful that together Pablo and I are creating traditions within our own family. I'm thankful for the traditions I have had growing up that I remember fondly and want to emulate. I'm thankful that we do have people close by with which we continue traditions - even if they are not my own.

Pablo

The other night I saw a Facebook friend of mine had done one of those quizzes where you ask someone questions. Often I see them in relation to children - asking things like "who is your best friend?" and "what is your favorite food?" Questions that might mark some maturing, but also could change before you're done with the quiz.

The quiz I saw this time was to ask one's significant other. So, just for fun I asked Pablo these questions. As I asked the questions I grew more and more amazed. I was surprised by some of his answers - surprised because they were more true than the ones I would have given. Near the end I exclaimed, "Wow! You really know me!"

Life as parents with young kids who require constant entertainment - and who don't fall asleep before 9 and are up before 6 - means we have little time together. And, the one-on-one time we do have is often crammed in - there isn't time to just ease into conversations or do a lot of just "being." There's an intensity to the time we set up to focus on us - date nights or time stolen while the kids are at daycare - after we've both gotten home from work.

It's not uncommon for one of us to say, as we're getting into bed, "I was going to tell you something, but now I can't remember what it was." We text throughout the day - share pictures and make lists of topics - but still details slip through the cracks. We try, though. And most of the time whatever it is either is remembered eventually - or probably wasn't all that necessary to share anyway.

All this is to say, our relationship in this season of life is definitely different than it was 6 years ago - the night that Pablo proposed to me in his kitchen (prior to our Vegas trip). And yet, I am so very grateful for Pablo in my life and that he is the partner with whom I get to navigate decisions and challenges, joys and opportunities. He is thoughtful, curious, an excellent father, observant (much of the time), likes to make me laugh and is supportive of my dance in figuring out who and what I'm going to be. And, even when it doesn't always feel like we're connecting, I'm reminded that he knows me - and loves me. And I love him.

Parenting Partner

Today - and every day - I am so grateful for my partner in life...and most obviously now, my partner in parenting. Many weekends, parts of Saturdays and Sundays mean that Pablo takes on the stay-at-home parent lifestyle. And, he easily navigates all that is required to care for (and entertain) our boys.

I'm especially grateful for this on Sundays. It's not easy bringing two busy young kids to worship by oneself. Especially when the other parent is up front. While it's not part of his own practice, Pablo brings the boys twice a month to worship - even as that means he essentially brings the boys for about 10 minutes of doing what most of us think of as worship - and the other 40 minutes (we have short services) chasing after the boys heading in two different directions.

I do feel that pang of wanting to sit with my boys, whispering guidance and explanation to them throughout the service. But, even as I can't be that person, I am so very glad that Pablo is up for the task of herding and parenting that makes it possible for me to do my work and the boys to grow up in the church.

A Little Bit Of Work

I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. At one time I thought I knew. I thought I wanted to be a senior pastor of a large church, with support staff. I thought I wanted to set the vision and handle the pressure of being "it" when it came to a large congregation.

That is not what I want to do with my life.

I thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home parent through my kids' elementary years. I knew that would be a negotiation and a balance, and that I might not be able to do that financially. But, I thought I'd like to consider it. But, at this point I can honestly say that now that is not what I want to do with my life.

I do want to parent. And to be flexible. And to use my brain and energy in a job outside the home. And do fun things with my kids. And be able to be home at nights with my family. And get to do a thing for myself. 

Right now, I am so thankful for the flexible work position I am in. I work about 15 hours a week (it was supposed to be aiming for 10-12, but that's not quite working out) and my main responsibilities are worship and pastoral care. (I'm ending up teaching 8 classes of Confirmation too - but that's just this year.)

I am getting to do some of the work that I love to do, and I am getting to be home with my kids the majority of the time. I have gotten to take them to classes and at the same time have a day they go to daycare and I can work on my other responsibilities.

The ability for me to have this flexible of a schedule - and for the church to only pay for this limited of a pastoral presence - will come to an end at some point in the next two years. But, I am grateful for this piece that is bridging my parenting-of-toddlers time. I am grateful that I have this time to dabble in what I'm trained in, what I have loved to do in the past - but that I have questioned more recently whether it's what I want to do. 

At some point I'll have to set the new direction of what I'll do. And maybe it will be in the same direction it was before. But I'm glad for this time of in-between - that I don't need to know what I'm going to do with my life....just yet.

In the Meantime

The Knot tells me that P & I have 112 days until we are married. I have 51 days until my last day at my current call. Time is ticking by - sometimes quickly sometimes ooooh sooooo slooooowly. Of the things I can accomplish, they are getting accomplished. P & I are moving right along in our preparations for the celebration of our marriage. 

My condo is on the market. No bites in the 2 months it's been up, but other than continuing to keep it show-ready and analyze market and what I have it listed for - there isn't much I can do.

I've applied for a couple of jobs, but being the church-world, everything takes a long time. 

So, I wait. And, I try to move the things-in-which-I-have-any-ounce-of-control forward. 

In a brilliant move, P & I have schedule a number of fun activities (thinking we needed to make sure we didn't just become event planners). So, we are looking forward to a weekend at a B&B, a Cubs game, seeing Garrison Keillor at Ravinia, Violent Femmes/Avett Brothers/Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes at Summerfest, a Journey concert, and a few other events scattered in. P also has a few races scattered in there.

So, we're not just waiting. We're enjoying the "meantime" fully.

I realize that I have never posted a picture before. Partially, I think, because I started this blog with the hope of some anonymity. But, also because of technology and my reticence to spending time to figure it out. Here is a recent picture from one of our "in the meantime" activities - a Brewers game - with great seats!

 It was an enjoyable game in many ways....Brewers lost, but there were a lot of times they could have tied it up or come ahead - so fans were cheering. And, we got to witness a marriage proposal right below us.