My Best and Last First Date

Eleven years ago my husband and I had our first date. It was his 38th birthday. We originally met on a dating web site and had met in person the week before at a Mexican restaurant (Jose's Blue Sombrero) in Racine, WI, about ½ way in between our homes. 

For our first date we went ice skating downtown Milwaukee, went to a bar, and helped an older man who fell while trying to get home. While ice skating was dreamy, and hanging out at a bar fun, it's that act of service that sticks in my head. 

The man, perhaps in his 80s, seemed to be trying to wait for a bus or to catch a cab, but the cold wind knocked him over onto the ground. We were across the street and were able to get to him. Pablo was able to call a cab company to come and pick him up. The man seemed a little nervous with us there, so we waited in the car until we saw him get in his cab. 

As we reacted and problem solved, it felt like we were already a team. After just one date we were already being the complement to each other.

Eleven years later, as we celebrate his 49th birthday, we do so with two young kids, in the midst of a pandemic with a snowstorm approaching. Our celebration included Lou Malnati's pizza and Star Wars movie watching. And, it included each other. 

I am thankful for that day eleven years ago that was my best - and last - first date. And, I am thankful for each day, each year, each milestone I get to spend with my kind, smart, funny, handsome husband.

The Never-Ending Parenting of Young Children During a Pandemic

I'm sure there is someone in the world who has felt fewer repercussions of the global pandemic than I have. True, I'm not able to do many things, but for the most part my quality of my and my family's life is just as high as it was before.

And yet, I want to complain. 

Another preface: I love my sweet little children. They are fun and funny, smart and precocious. They keep me on my toes and moving. They regularly express their love for me in cuddles, giggles, demands and words of endearment.

And yet. 

I so want a day or two where I don't have to make food and clean up after them. Where I don't have to make sure they aren't fighting or watching too much tv. Where I can sit down and read for a couple hours or watch something I want to watch in the middle of the day. 

But most of all, I want to have a day where Pablo and I can enjoy time with just one another. To not have to make lists throughout the day to hopefully be able to fill the other in on. To have time to casually meander somewhere - to grab some food (even if it's socially distant) without having to worry about what the kids will eat - to just enjoy each other.

We aren't comfortable with having anyone in our home let alone having someone come and take care of our kids, so it will be a while still. 

And yet...I'm so looking forward to when we can.

On Display

For Christmas I got Pablo and 3-month subscription to an at-home mystery-solving game. It's essentially an escape room at home. We conquered the first month's challenge last night (in our pjs on our bed) and it was a lot of fun. It was maybe a little more focused and orderly than other escape rooms. In those rooms I'm always trying to remember every single little detail, thinking it might be important, and I get bogged down in the details. This one was also a lot of word-games - something I have more than my fair share of experience in.

I told Pablo I was much more relaxed than usual and I do think I feel pressure when I know someone is watching - even if they are watching so they can give us a hint.

That is perhaps an okay segue to the realization I've had recently that I have felt so much less in the public eye since leaving pastoral life 6 months ago. I'm glad to have some anonymity, although my last role really wasn't all that involved. I'm not needing to figure in decisions I make based on what they might communicate to the community I work for. 

On the flip side, I am feeling a little lost in realizing that without a particular role there is not much that people will look to me to do. So much of what I've done in life has happened because someone knew me and thought of me for something. A lot has fallen in my lap - and with that comes both the ease and excitement of moving into something new, as well as the responsibility of managing that public life.

Like I said, I'm grateful that I can not be a public person right now. But, I'm also aware that there is a part of me that will always be seeking to better the neighborhood, city, state, country - place in which I live. And that when all is said and done, my skills will likely lead me to a more public role again in the future.

Comfortable With What Comes Out of My Mouth

It's not often that I go to an adult party. I go to more kid parties than adult parties. I suppose kid parties can have the same kind of awkwardness that I find myself in at an adult party, but there are also usually distractions and easy conversation starters related to those kids.

Pablo and I got to go to a really fun adult party on Saturday night. It included a bonfire and party games. We knew a few people - and had fun talking with them, but we also managed to talk with some people we had not previously met.

Often after these events I have regret for things said - awkward responses or ways in which I dominated or didn't speak up. I didn't feel that after this party. Even with the following exchange:

In the attempt to make small talk with some people who are very much into sports, the talk moved to soccer and football. I so often find that I struggle to find the right balance of conversation between small talk and going deep. I'm not really good at the in between, and I feel uncomfortable really with keeping the small talk as small talk. So, I asked if they were intentional in having their elementary child play soccer instead of football. It was an enjoyable conversation. And then, one of the people said something along the lines of "soon the only people playing will be those who are looking to advance themselves financially."

Boom. "You're meaning that it will soon be that people who are poor, particularly people of color, are the only ones playing a sport that leads to brain damage for other's entertainment because they don't really see any other way to succeed in our county?"

I wasn't that blunt, but close. I ended with, "so, there's an injustice to football, huh?"

And then the conversation shifted and people moved on to other conversations, other groups.

For once I don't feel uncomfortable with how that conversation unfolded. I am not second guessing the discomfort my words caused. I feel good, actually. And not because I "got them." But because I didn't ignore the opportunity.

And who knows - it could have been that someone surprised me and I found someone else who shares a value with me. It wouldn't have surprised me completely because the friend whose party is was shares some of these values with me. But, in our area, my assumption is that most people would rather not name these things. Most people value living comfortably, and would rather not pay attention to the ways we lucked into our lives.

Overall the night was a lot of fun, and in some small way, this added to it. More than anything because I felt like I was able to be myself.

Pablo

The other night I saw a Facebook friend of mine had done one of those quizzes where you ask someone questions. Often I see them in relation to children - asking things like "who is your best friend?" and "what is your favorite food?" Questions that might mark some maturing, but also could change before you're done with the quiz.

The quiz I saw this time was to ask one's significant other. So, just for fun I asked Pablo these questions. As I asked the questions I grew more and more amazed. I was surprised by some of his answers - surprised because they were more true than the ones I would have given. Near the end I exclaimed, "Wow! You really know me!"

Life as parents with young kids who require constant entertainment - and who don't fall asleep before 9 and are up before 6 - means we have little time together. And, the one-on-one time we do have is often crammed in - there isn't time to just ease into conversations or do a lot of just "being." There's an intensity to the time we set up to focus on us - date nights or time stolen while the kids are at daycare - after we've both gotten home from work.

It's not uncommon for one of us to say, as we're getting into bed, "I was going to tell you something, but now I can't remember what it was." We text throughout the day - share pictures and make lists of topics - but still details slip through the cracks. We try, though. And most of the time whatever it is either is remembered eventually - or probably wasn't all that necessary to share anyway.

All this is to say, our relationship in this season of life is definitely different than it was 6 years ago - the night that Pablo proposed to me in his kitchen (prior to our Vegas trip). And yet, I am so very grateful for Pablo in my life and that he is the partner with whom I get to navigate decisions and challenges, joys and opportunities. He is thoughtful, curious, an excellent father, observant (much of the time), likes to make me laugh and is supportive of my dance in figuring out who and what I'm going to be. And, even when it doesn't always feel like we're connecting, I'm reminded that he knows me - and loves me. And I love him.

Parenting Partner

Today - and every day - I am so grateful for my partner in life...and most obviously now, my partner in parenting. Many weekends, parts of Saturdays and Sundays mean that Pablo takes on the stay-at-home parent lifestyle. And, he easily navigates all that is required to care for (and entertain) our boys.

I'm especially grateful for this on Sundays. It's not easy bringing two busy young kids to worship by oneself. Especially when the other parent is up front. While it's not part of his own practice, Pablo brings the boys twice a month to worship - even as that means he essentially brings the boys for about 10 minutes of doing what most of us think of as worship - and the other 40 minutes (we have short services) chasing after the boys heading in two different directions.

I do feel that pang of wanting to sit with my boys, whispering guidance and explanation to them throughout the service. But, even as I can't be that person, I am so very glad that Pablo is up for the task of herding and parenting that makes it possible for me to do my work and the boys to grow up in the church.