I'm a Joiner

Part of figuring out what I want to do with my energy and time is that it seems like there are a lot of little things that can add up quickly.

Pablo and I have very different ideas of how a person is involved in community - perhaps to the extreme. Or, maybe rather, I'm the extreme one and Pablo is how everyone else is. My natural urge is to step in and help out in whatever is needed. To be part of whatever work seems to be needed - even if no one else has said it's something to be needed. Pablo will be involved in some things if asked, but when we talk about whether I'm going to do something he will say that he just doesn't have the same compulsion as I do.

While this stepping into community tasks has meant I've gotten to be part of some interesting things - and sometimes discovered that which I'm definitely not good at - it has also meant in recent years that my saying yes impacts my family. As the main family calendar keeper, I also have to figure out how things get covered when I'm busy working on other things. 

This was the case when I was working too - and sometimes I felt I had to negotiate when I would fit in time to do my work. We would figure out some givens - like that Pablo would do something with the kids every Saturday morning and he was in charge of everything on Sunday mornings - but since my job wasn't something that was just clocking in and clocking out - but creating something that sometimes came easily and other times didn't, as well as responding to other people's needs - I often felt like I was carving out time to do things for work when other people would be using that time for exercise or rest.

But, back to my compulsion to join into community tasks: I've also recently decided that I don't want to be a complainer, but if I have a complaint think about how I can contribute to a more positive outcome. So, this moves me to be more involved. I was frustrated that our neighborhood was doing events geared for teenagers and older. I realized that this was merely a friend group that was doing things and inviting others. They weren't cruise captains needing to tend to everyone's interests. So, a friend and I put together an event for younger kids - and we'll do more too, I'm sure. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide whether I should say yes to being on my congregation's call committee. I have some big opinions, and am not sure how much I want to put them out there - or have them be involved in this process. I need to decide quite soon...but either way, the things I've had strong opinions about (some things I would name as complaints) could be addressed if I am involved. Or, at least my point of view would be heard. 

Because, finally,  I'm glad that I get to do some of these other little things outside of house and home. I miss working with other people on things, and this gives me a little taste. I miss having my voice listened to (because my kids really aren't) and creating together - where ideas grow and things are better because everyone had input. And, I miss seeing where I make my mark.

My Something Larger

I'm reading the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle and am definitely identifying with a lot of it. While I'm currently experiencing some of what is discussed, I'm more able to see the symptoms of burnout from my time being both parent and pastor. 

There is a lot I could reflect on as I'm reading, and in fact I've downloaded the audiobook worksheets - since I'm reading a library book on my kindle. I might try to fill the out at sometime. The piece I am most interested in figuring out is what my "Something Larger" is. That thing that gives my life meaning. 

A big something larger is raising my kids. Obviously nothing to dismiss and certainly something that I have put other things on hold for - happily. And yet, I think there is something else brewing. Sometimes it feels like a lot of little things. Sometimes it feels like it's maybe not something that I'll ever do for a career. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm unrealistic in what I hope to be able to do. Sometimes I wonder if I have the energy and the nerve to truly figure out what that Something Larger is and do something about it.

I have a sense my Something Larger has to do with issues of justice. With creating community that is accessible and life-giving for all. Possibly something about anti-racism. Possibly something about justice for women. I have senses, but it seems so unclear.

I'm only about ½ way through the book. Maybe it will offer further clarity in discovering my Something Larger. Maybe working through the worksheets will help. 

To be honest, I'm not sure I really want to know yet what that is. I do, but then am I going to want to charge ahead - to make things happen - to lead, as I often find myself doing? As I'm writing this, Gabriel has come in after his bath, ready for me to help him put his pajamas on, wanting to do his "writing" which is a page on my computer that he types random letters on, although some are becoming more word-like as he continues kindergarten. I am conscious that I want to keep focusing on this Something Larger of raising my kids at least until David's more involved in school. But, I wonder about whether I should be preparing because that's only a year and a half away.

So often in life my things have come to me - sometimes because I was working towards them, but often without me having to do too much soul searching. I'm not sure I want the next chapter to come so easily - or rather - to be defined by others quite so much. I want to steer it. 

But, I have to have a bit more of an understanding of what "it" is before I do that.

Crabby With "No"s

Ufff - I'm feeling crabby.

I was excited to go and play in the snow with my kiddos after school, but they both decided they would rather play inside. I'm sitting here with my snow pants on, waiting for at least one of them to change their minds. Pablo will be home in about 20 minutes - maybe there will be enough light for me to go snowshoe or something. 

I'm also crabby because I was just asked to be on a committee for the church I belong to. I'm crabby about this because I read what they are working on - and it's definitely a committee that's goal is in line with what I think the direction of the church should be. It's something I've worked on in each of the settings I've been in since 2005. It's something that at times I've been passionate about. But, I'm also feeling pretty burnt out and cynical about it. I know it will take a positive attitude and many cheerleaders to make it work and I don't think I have that positive, cheerleading attitude. 

Honestly, I'm burnt out on people and programs. I'm not interested in working on something that is trying to be new, innovative or even back to the basics if it involves trying to drum up support for it or with any form of trying to get others involved in it. I do not want to evangelize - anything - right now.

And, I feel bad saying no. I feel bad because it has been something I've felt strongly about. It has been something I've worked hard for in the past. But, I just don't want to. And I feel a bit like a child. Or maybe I'm just being true to what I need to be and how I need to interact with the church right now. Maybe that's not being like a child at all - but self-aware and clear.  

I'm still feeling crabby about it though.

No More Rev

On Tuesday I got a call that didn't surprise me, but that I wasn't really expecting. Our church's associate pastor took a new call and the senior pastor was asking if I could fill in on an interim basis. At my request he named a few of the tasks that he was hoping someone would be able to fill - which if he had asked me 10 years ago I would have jumped at: preaching periodically, confirmation and Sunday School. If I were in a call I would have wanted to have other responsibilities, but to just fill in with those duties would have been fun. 

After talking with Pablo, I came to the realization that while I am immediately concerned about the amount of time these things would require, it's mostly about the fact that I'm intentionally stepping out of the identity of pastor. It's a weird and emotional thing to be letting go of the title of Pastor and the Reverend. And, I'm in the middle of that work right now. I'm preparing to, at the end of August, send a letter to my alma maters to ask them to change my title from Rev to Ms. I already am not wanting to claim any authority regarding worship or faith - although don't get me started on justice issues. 

When talking with my dear friend, Melinda, the other day, I named that presiding at sacraments (baptism and communion) are things that I miss dearly. But beyond that (and the celebration of what I have been able to do as pastor for 15 (really more like 11) years), I am not mourning the responsibilities of being a pastor. 

But those are no small thing. 

I've left a message saying I'd like to talk about the details, but I'm ultimately going to say that I will help with Sunday School as a parent. If he prefers to have someone do all three of those as a pastor, that is fine. I just am clear that I do not want to be in a position as pastor or "the Rev" anymore.

Anti-Racist Communities

Back in June/July I wrote to the school board and then, in response, had a conversation with our school district's curriculum director regarding anti-racism curriculum and hiring practices. At that time, I put a note for myself in my calendar to contact my son's principal in October to follow up. It is of note that this was before we had actually begun at the school, and that way back in June/July, I had some assumption that we wouldn't have as many concerns about COVID as we did. I'm not sure why, but I was thinking we'd be in a pattern and October would be a time when all of the extra start up energy began to not be needed. But, of course, that is when the push began to get kids back into schools and I know that our administrator's energy was already being stretched.

So, I kept putting it off, and kept putting it off. Today, a bit on a whim, but also because I'd learned about new IL legislation that requires training in culturally responsive teaching, I finally wrote. I feel a little timid because I don't actually know what is being done around anti-racism in our area and I am not an expert. But, I do want to make sure that 1) this community is safe for my kids - and all other children regardless of their color and 2) I want my kids to have a non-white-centered education...meaning a much broader, more robust education that I did not get. 

I'd love if there was a group that I could join that was doing this kind of work already - whether in my school district or in others. I wish I knew how to best help our community and leaders grow to being anti-racist. I know it's personal work, but I feel like I'm fumbling at trying to raise it as an issue to work on in our community. All of a sudden I'm not a leader at anything, but this is something that I feel so strongly about and I believe needs to be a constant focus.

On Display

For Christmas I got Pablo and 3-month subscription to an at-home mystery-solving game. It's essentially an escape room at home. We conquered the first month's challenge last night (in our pjs on our bed) and it was a lot of fun. It was maybe a little more focused and orderly than other escape rooms. In those rooms I'm always trying to remember every single little detail, thinking it might be important, and I get bogged down in the details. This one was also a lot of word-games - something I have more than my fair share of experience in.

I told Pablo I was much more relaxed than usual and I do think I feel pressure when I know someone is watching - even if they are watching so they can give us a hint.

That is perhaps an okay segue to the realization I've had recently that I have felt so much less in the public eye since leaving pastoral life 6 months ago. I'm glad to have some anonymity, although my last role really wasn't all that involved. I'm not needing to figure in decisions I make based on what they might communicate to the community I work for. 

On the flip side, I am feeling a little lost in realizing that without a particular role there is not much that people will look to me to do. So much of what I've done in life has happened because someone knew me and thought of me for something. A lot has fallen in my lap - and with that comes both the ease and excitement of moving into something new, as well as the responsibility of managing that public life.

Like I said, I'm grateful that I can not be a public person right now. But, I'm also aware that there is a part of me that will always be seeking to better the neighborhood, city, state, country - place in which I live. And that when all is said and done, my skills will likely lead me to a more public role again in the future.

Clearing the Way

We had our 2nd shovelable snow of the season last night. It wasn't much, but by the time I'd gotten out to remove the snow it was ice underneath and snow on top. I like shoveling - I like using my body to move things and have it be something that needs to be done. I like being out in the cold and keeping myself warm with movement. 

Today I could have scraped the snow off the top and just let the ice melt itself off eventually. But, I started to get underneath it, and as time went on, with the top layer off, the second layer became easier to remove. **Warning - gross imagery ahead** It was a little like waiting for a scab to come off - for a while it's too attached, but then, one day you can peel it off because the skin beneath has healed enough. Removing the ice today was that kind of satisfying.

I have been feeling a little aimless on and off these last few months. Most of the time keeping up with the kids and feeding, cleaning, monitoring them and our home has had enough tasks. And, they are certainly important tasks, but I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. I have just enough space to want to do something, but not really enough to feel like I could dedicate enough time - or even an idea of what I might want to do or accomplish. 

Perhaps this month's dedication to writing will serve a purpose - not only of putting my thoughts down, but also figuring me - as I am now and how I want to be - out.

What Will Bloom

At our new home we acquired amazing landscaping. There are roses, perennials that attract bees and butterflies, flowering trees, hostas and more hostas. There are some things I don't like (like those ferns that seem to take over whichever bed they are in), and lots I don't know. But, I'm looking things up and learning. 

I'm learning that trees shouldn't have things planted too close to their trunk. I didn't plant anything, but I also didn't thin enough this Spring (not knowing what was going to be coming up). I'm learning that some plants need to be let to wilt and yellow - and that helps with next year's flowering. But, there are some that should be deadheaded. 

The rosebuds in the picture above are, I believe, the 3rd flowering of this plant. Theses plants are surviving Japanese Beetles (my nemesis...or perhaps I should say I have become their nemesis). When I smell their sweetness I think of the Hunger Games descriptions of President Snow's flower's smell. They have a strong, sweet aroma. They are pretty. And, they are determined. They keep coming back, ready to blossom. 

I'm identifying with these buds, myself. Except I'm eager to get to that point where something is about to bloom - where I'll begin to see the color, smell the fragrance of what I will do with my energy beyond home and children. I have some ideas, but I also wonder if there is something out there that will reveal itself to me that is unlike what I have done before. 

Continuing to Grow into Anti-Racism

I have written very little so far about George Floyd, protests, defunding the police and all that has been moving in our country in the last two weeks. Because of social distancing, we've decided not to go to any in-person protests or vigils. I'm trying to figure out how else to support the movement. 

For the last couple of years I've been reading more, and keeping track of what I've read. This year I've got the goal of reading a book a week, and though sometimes I get a little behind, I've caught up and am on track. A subgoal these last few years has been to read more BIPOC and LGBTQ authors...mostly fiction and sci-fi, but also some non-fiction, memoirs, stories of the author's life experience. 

We have also given some to organizations that are doing work to support migrants (especially in detention), the NAACP, The Southern Poverty Law Center, and Planned Parenthood. I've sometimes communicated with elected officials and am going to try to do more of that. To keep educating myself about topics and speaking up about them. This communication is definitely one of my growing edges.

And, I'm listening. I'm listening through books I read but also through social media (though I'm trying to not be on that as much), and other media - movies, tv shows, podcasts, etc.

At this point I know there is more to do. But, between my family's social distancing intention and my attempt to be on electronic devices less when I'm around my kids (from 6:30am-9pm), I feel limited. And when I write that, it feels like an excuse. 

Conversations Producing Ripples

This week includes a number of intense conversations that are requiring different parts of who I am. Yesterday, in the 2 hours in which my kids were at preschool, I had a conversation with a recruiter for an incredibly exciting position. Then, immediately afterwards had a coffee date with a friend.

Today, during work I'm having to sort out some billing discrepancies with a vendor who hasn't been the easiest to deal with. And, I'm going to be taking communion to a woman I've never met before with some dementia.

Tomorrow, during preschool, Pablo and I will be having our check in with our financial advisor, and then I'm going to meet with a community member about another possible direction I might take my life.

I thought about looking at my calendar to see what happens Thursday, but I'm not sure that matters really. Because the point is made: these conversations are requiring such different parts of me, but all of them needing some degree of curiosity, some degree of clarity, and some degree of having my stuff together. (Although, the coffee with a friend didn't require that....only that it was immediately after the other conversation).

I'm nervous about both of today's conversations. I'll be very glad when they are done. But the others feel like they bring some excitement and accomplishment. Excitement at possibility, at connection. Accomplishment at adulting responsibly (that's mostly the finance conversation - but the others are adulting as well).

There are some weeks and months where it feels like the majority of my conversations and work are, while not calm, steady. Parenting, pastoring - fulfilling the duties and work that are common and routine. This week does not feel routine. And it feels like these conversations will have ripples of affect into the future - for better and for worse.

When Councils Get It Right

Today I got to be part of the beauty of a small congregation. We are facing some financial challenges - and some individuals are facing life struggles that impact finances. Our council meeting spent a good deal of time wading through some of the realities of our situation. People were careful with how they worded things and sensitive to how things might be heard. But were also straightforward in the discussion.

We have a plan of action and some more work to do, but because of some hard work we actually are able to plan and not just flail about guessing at our future.

Then, at the end of the meeting, one of the faithful - who is often the one taking care of everyone and everything else - (and one who is facing some life struggle that is bigger than usual), broke down as she spoke to a need that she needed to inform the council about. She said she would cover it, and immediately - from every person - the reaction was "no, we got you."

The need includes some financial investment by the church. But - even with the previous conversation of financial struggle - no one batted an eye.

I am pretty blessed to be serving with these people and in this place.

Sundays Off

One of the perks of my current gig is that I get one Sunday off a month. Often this Sunday has gotten used for traveling or an event, but sometimes (like today) it will allow me to worship with my family.

Neither of my kids are very easy to handle in worship. And, as previously mentioned, Pablo superhumanly does it himself a couple times a month. I like these opportunities for us to be one-on-one with our kids and for me to get to help one pay attention (often I have Gabriel), whispering what is going on up front. 

Plus, it gives me the opportunity to hear another preacher - to hear the words of institution spoken for me. For these moments, I am thankful.

Parenting Partner

Today - and every day - I am so grateful for my partner in life...and most obviously now, my partner in parenting. Many weekends, parts of Saturdays and Sundays mean that Pablo takes on the stay-at-home parent lifestyle. And, he easily navigates all that is required to care for (and entertain) our boys.

I'm especially grateful for this on Sundays. It's not easy bringing two busy young kids to worship by oneself. Especially when the other parent is up front. While it's not part of his own practice, Pablo brings the boys twice a month to worship - even as that means he essentially brings the boys for about 10 minutes of doing what most of us think of as worship - and the other 40 minutes (we have short services) chasing after the boys heading in two different directions.

I do feel that pang of wanting to sit with my boys, whispering guidance and explanation to them throughout the service. But, even as I can't be that person, I am so very glad that Pablo is up for the task of herding and parenting that makes it possible for me to do my work and the boys to grow up in the church.

A Little Bit Of Work

I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. At one time I thought I knew. I thought I wanted to be a senior pastor of a large church, with support staff. I thought I wanted to set the vision and handle the pressure of being "it" when it came to a large congregation.

That is not what I want to do with my life.

I thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home parent through my kids' elementary years. I knew that would be a negotiation and a balance, and that I might not be able to do that financially. But, I thought I'd like to consider it. But, at this point I can honestly say that now that is not what I want to do with my life.

I do want to parent. And to be flexible. And to use my brain and energy in a job outside the home. And do fun things with my kids. And be able to be home at nights with my family. And get to do a thing for myself. 

Right now, I am so thankful for the flexible work position I am in. I work about 15 hours a week (it was supposed to be aiming for 10-12, but that's not quite working out) and my main responsibilities are worship and pastoral care. (I'm ending up teaching 8 classes of Confirmation too - but that's just this year.)

I am getting to do some of the work that I love to do, and I am getting to be home with my kids the majority of the time. I have gotten to take them to classes and at the same time have a day they go to daycare and I can work on my other responsibilities.

The ability for me to have this flexible of a schedule - and for the church to only pay for this limited of a pastoral presence - will come to an end at some point in the next two years. But, I am grateful for this piece that is bridging my parenting-of-toddlers time. I am grateful that I have this time to dabble in what I'm trained in, what I have loved to do in the past - but that I have questioned more recently whether it's what I want to do. 

At some point I'll have to set the new direction of what I'll do. And maybe it will be in the same direction it was before. But I'm glad for this time of in-between - that I don't need to know what I'm going to do with my life....just yet.

The Work of a Few

It's daylight savings time - with an extra hour of cuddle time instead of sleep. Most people would have this anyway on a Sunday. I get it today because now I get ready for work.

Today - and so many days - I am thankful for the members of the congregation I am serving as part-time interim pastor. I work between 10-15 hours a week in a job most people have a hard time limiting to 40. Of course, there are many things I do not do - but that means that others pick that up.

In particular, I am thankful for the council president/musician/property manager and the preschool director who really ends up making sure everything for the church is done. Without these two faithful women, this congregation would not be functioning.

I will write another time about how grateful I am for this opportunity to dabble my toes in ministry while also being a mostly-full-time mom. But, it would not be possible without the hours of work Lynn and Kathy put into the church.

Also, it means I barely think about building things. I don't have to respond when a light bulb needs changing in the stairway or the air conditioner goes out. Honestly - with my job being focused on worship - I have often forgotten about changing paraments and other worship-space-related things - because Kathy just makes sure they're done. (She's not the only one who does it...but if it's not done she makes sure it gets done.)

This week, I haven't been into the office because of a sick child on my one day dedicated to work, so I'll go in a little early. But, I'm not really worried about what I will find. Such a gift. Such faith. So thankful.

De-pastoring

It's been four months since I have been a parish pastor. If I would have taken a sabbatical (after 8 years of ministry, I am considering this time a bit of one), I would have either been a month back in (the 3-month variety) or be starting to look toward the end (the 6-month variety).

Either way, I don't think I would be ready to go back yet.

I miss some aspects of pastoring: having a regular work-place where I feel competent; the fact that it was my job to study scripture, not just a spiritual discipline; getting to be surprised by how God works through me as I am present in people's difficult life situations.

But, for the most part, I'm really enjoying this time away from that work. I wonder if that will change if I do actually find work in a different field.



Perhaps the best part for me has been the opportunity to worship again. And, the opportunity to explore scripture and faith because I want to, not because it's my job. I've been surprised at how wonderful it has been to arrive to church on Sunday mornings without a preconceived notion of what the sermon should be about because of the assigned texts. I've loved getting to really sink into the worship & listen without having to think about what is going to happen next. I've been fed by being surprised by a choral anthem or a baptism or other parts of worship where I am not needing to be mindful of the details.

There are a few things at the congregation I am attending that are not "my style" - communion is every other week (plus festival celebrations) and there is a regularly scheduled praise band...which was good (well-rehearsed, music that the congregation could sing with, good theology) the first time I heard them, but since has been less than inspirational.

And yet, I am finding grace in these things too. Amazingly, without too much work, I'm finding the grace of not having everything the way I want it to be.

And, I'm finding my place. I'm getting to be involved at church without being in charge. I'm getting to explore and dream about other ways I might want to be involved in the community (Community radio? Maybe. Actually signing up for NoNaWriMo. Even if I don't write a word, the dreaming has begun. A regular Tuesday night! exercise class. Spanish lessons - it's like I have other interests than work.).

I haven't figured this out yet, but my love of/for God feels deeper, stronger and less work. Maybe it's because I'm at the beginning of a new chapter - maybe it's because I have more time. But, I'm thankful for this feeling of deepening - of the fires of my faith being stoked. And, I'm a little sad that it has taken stepping away, in a sense.

I really do hope that I find something soon through which I can earn money, make a difference in the world somehow, and get out of the house. But, I am content with finding the ways of serving God and the world outside of paid parish ministry for now. As I looked toward this time in between, I wasn't sure if that would be the case.

Why I'm Comfortable

Before I get to my real post I'd like to brag: My day off began with coffee and a chocolate croissant.

It's been an incredibly full week, but a good one too. I feel really comfortable in this new call, which makes me wonder about a couple different theories, that I'm not completely sure I want to fully admit or commit to.

First, I honestly do think it is a culture thing. This new church is so much more like the congregation in which I grew up. The people are like people I went to high school and college with - people that I volunteered with - people I connect with more naturally due to common interest, common experience. I get this culture. For better and for worse, I feel at home in this culture - and natural. I think I also bring some experience which will allow me to compassionately and authentically challenge - but it is also less work for me to find myself in the middle of this place.

This of course, makes me mindful of the balance of comfort - and being called out of what is comfortable. I struggle with that - with accepting that it might be okay for me to be in a call where I'm very much similar to everyone else. Where I feel at home pretty much right away. Because I so value diversity, I've sometimes gone away from where it is I'm most comfortable. And, now I find myself in it. So I have the dueling emotions of relief and guilt that I am so comfortable already.

Secondly, the part I really haven't thought too much about - but that does rumble inside my head: I am not in charge. Yes, I have responsibility. Yes, I am still Pastor. But, I'm not carrying the full weight.

I've been a little amazed at how easily I've slipped into the supportive role...of course, I am just starting to learn the congregation - so it may be that I'm less invested...but I also think I'm just naturally a team player - and not necessarily one that needs to be the lead.

So, that does make me wonder about the environments and levels of responsibility to which I'm called, especially as I recognize how much more energy I've had this week (even as I've been exhausted...funny, that). Maybe it's the change up - maybe it's the level of support at my previous call - but, I'm feeling much more at home in this situation where I am not where "the buck stops."

I'm not making grand declarations, nor am I putting myself in a box, but I am noting the incredible change and wondering about my skill set, what I enjoy, and my temperament and what that means for now and for the future.

Since it seems I'm forecasting posts now: The next post will be about community and where I land.