Whose Little Brown Boys

When Michael Brown was killed by police in Ferguson, MO I was entering my third trimester with my first beloved brown little boy. 

Closer to home in Chicago, and only a couple months later, Laquan McDonald was shot in the back while walking away from police. Less than a month later, I would welcome my (first) sweet little one into the world.

Yesterday, footage was released of the police murder of Adam Toledo, a 13-year old boy who was turning around with his hands up when a Chicago police officer shot him in the chest. As with other moments of police murder and brutality, I am NOT going to watch the video that was released, but I believe that, as I heard someone comment on NPR today, Adam did everything he was told. And he was killed.

Adam Toledo was only 7 years older than my oldest child. 

My kids are learning about racism, but I have yet to have the conversation with either one of them that they might be the recipients of racism, of the engrained disparity created by white supremacy, of police brutality. 

They are cushioned, somewhat, by wealth. They will have more privilege and safety than many. But, I know I'm unable to fully protect them from micro aggressions, let alone larger repercussions of white supremacy. 

Right now, I am feeling more sadness than fear. More despair at our country and the racist systems that continue to perpetrate violence upon black and brown people than worry about what my children will experience. 

But the shadow of what my children might experience certainly weighs heavily.

Inauguration Eve

Four years ago, tomorrow's date of 1/20/2021 seemed so far away. I watched some of the Inauguration of our 45th President and knew that it was not a great day for our country, but I could not have imagined just how much evil could be done.

I don't need to list the atrocities this president has allowed and made happen. Many, likely done to promote himself or his label. Many to benefit himself or his family financially. Some, done because others said it was what his base wanted. Lives torn apart. The poisoning of our earth further hastened. A bitter divide increased. I believe that he will be known as the worst United States President in our history.

And so, it is with no small relief and joy that I get ready for tomorrow. I do not suppose for a second that our 46th President will solve everything or will not at times disappoint or even anger me with some decisions. But, I trust that he will lead with an eye for the entire country. That he has been and will continue to listen to others and will surround himself not with "yes" men and women, but with those who will work with and challenge him to best serve our country.

I am a little nervous about what will happen tomorrow. I worry for safety of those involved in the inauguration. I worry about the reaction that might reverberate throughout our country - in capitols and cities. 

My day tomorrow isn't too different than any other. But, I will raise a glass tomorrow night to our new, moral, team-player of a POTUS.

Yet Again, Aware of My Privilege

I had the conversation with the Senior Pastor today and it went very well. At one point, prior to actually talking about the specifics of how I was wanting to be involved we were just talking about the state of the world, and he said something along the lines of "You don't want to have to think about what could happen in this next week, but you also have to be prepared." He was, in particular thinking about what happens for the church if internet or banking are challenged, but I shared that I was also mindful of trying to be prepared in case it's not a good idea to leave the house for a little bit.

I truly don't think it will come to that, but it also does cross my mind. Between unrest around our country, and a new, more contagious variant of the Coronavirus, I'm really wondering about if we should make any preparations or changes to how we are currently navigating life.

And again I realize how very privileged I am to be sitting here, very comfortably, able to isolate myself and my family and not worry about how we're going to put food on the table or keep our kids safe.

A Rough Day

Uff - today was a rough one. 

While many are having long weeks (already - it's only Tuesday!) because it's the first week back to school (and for some, work) after winter break, that wasn't really our story today. Perhaps it was a contributing factor, but neither of the people who actually had work to do (the work-from-home adult and the remote-learning kindergartener) were what made today especially tough. It was the preschooler, who is likely fighting the structure, and having a lot of feelings about having returned to preschool yesterday for the first time since Halloween.

Because of his dad's and brother's online work, we are needing to be more structured than we have been the last two weeks. And, a temper tantrum cannot happen near their work spaces - it's just too loud. 

So, he and I spent a lot of time working out his emotions in his room today. A number of toys got taken away until tomorrow...and then some until the next day when the brothers orchestrated a jail break for them (and succeeded). Tv is taken away until tomorrow afternoon for both of them as well.

I wondered today if I needed to make a chart to log when each toy and privilege would be returned. At this point I'm keeping track of it, but it wouldn't take too many more to flummox me.

Tonight, as he was falling asleep, David said "It's okay to yell if someone takes your toys, right?" And, I responded that no, that wasn't okay. I said it was okay to yell if you needed to warn someone they were going to get hurt - or if you were trying to get their attention outside. His brain is working - so hard. He's trying to sort out how to deal with these big emotions, and is worried that he's going out to school when no one else is leaving the house. If he has to wear a mask he figures it's not safe.

And frankly, I want to yell if someone takes something from me too.

Follow Ups

Both Gabriel's kindergarten introduction and my mom's appointment with the neurologist went well. Nothing huge at this time with Gabriel. We are preparing for eLearning. We ordered a kid's table and chair to use as a desk for him. We are meeting one of his classmates for the first time at the park tomorrow. All will be well. It will be different, but not to him. It will be something that he and his classmates will always be able to gage time with - how they began their schooling differently than most.

My mom's appointment brought some encouraging news - that perhaps she doesn't have Alzheimer's, but aphasia. I don't really know what that means. I'm not sure my parents are altogether sure either. But, they were given some homework (foods to eat, exercise to do, games to play), which feels more hopeful than simply taking a pill.

This new normal is going to take some care - some intentionality of paying attention both to the social aspect of Kindergarten for Gabriel, and of the ways I'm might be able to support my parents from afar. 

Next Stages of Life

Tomorrow my family has two vastly different assessments. Well, three if you count that someone is coming to measure our windows for the whole-house replacement for which we've already signed the papers.

Tomorrow I bring Gabriel into his elementary school for the first time. The purpose is for an assessment that the kindergarten teachers do in order to help them balance their classrooms well. My understanding is that I will wait somewhere while he will go with one of the teachers to a classroom. There are, of course, Covid protocols of masks and distance and disinfecting that will be in place. But, this is the first time we are stepping into the school. The first real step of Gabriel representing himself without me. I'm proud of him. I'm excited for him. 

Tomorrow, my mom and dad go to meet with a neurologist. Mom has had symptoms - and then appointments and tests that indicate that she is in an early stage of Alzheimer's disease. I've known - ministered - to people with Alzheimer's, of course. But I haven't really studied it - or known much about it other than how I've related to those I served. It's now very personal and while I want to know more, I'm struggling to read either of the books I've gotten or to spend any time learning more. I will as it all sinks in.

Both Gabriel entering school (especially since we're beginning with eLearning) and Mom's diagnosis are at the very beginning of these next stages. And, I begin my time as part of the sandwich generation. Each will need me to slowly change the way I relate to them. Gabriel, as he gains more independence. Mom, as she loses some. Gabriel will need me differently - and I will need to figure out how to need my mom differently too. 

Postcards

For the primary elections this Spring, I wrote 100 postcards that got sent to Wisconsin to encourage people to vote. That election ended up being quite the debacle, and I felt a twinge of guilt, even though the postcards were mailed well before the election happened. 

This time around, I've got 200 blank (well, now 198 blank) postcards to send during October for the general election in November. I'm actually hoping that I can finish these and request more. The postcards don't seem to target any particular kind of voter, but with the organizers being liberal leaning, I believe the understanding is that if more people vote it's more likely that the liberal candidates will be voted in. 

I'm nervous about this election. Nervous especially because I can't believe that people voted for our current president in the first place. And now almost four years later, I'm not really sure what to make of that. So, I'm going to write postcards. I'm going to vote (in my county I can request a vote by mail ballot). I'm going to encourage others to vote. I'm not sure what else to do.

Risk Tolerance, COVID edition

We're at that point of social distancing where we're trying to figure out what our risk tolerance is. We saw my in-laws yesterday. They had not even gotten groceries as they were preparing for our visit. We had done pick-up where someone put it in our trunk (as noted in the previous blog post). But, we also had not gotten close to anyone.

But now we're eager - and cautious - to see other people. I'm especially eager to get the kids together with a few friends. And we're finding that we don't always have the same risk tolerance. It's taking a lot of communication. Some concessions. Some rethinking. 

And, as always it is a balance.

When Councils Get It Right

Today I got to be part of the beauty of a small congregation. We are facing some financial challenges - and some individuals are facing life struggles that impact finances. Our council meeting spent a good deal of time wading through some of the realities of our situation. People were careful with how they worded things and sensitive to how things might be heard. But were also straightforward in the discussion.

We have a plan of action and some more work to do, but because of some hard work we actually are able to plan and not just flail about guessing at our future.

Then, at the end of the meeting, one of the faithful - who is often the one taking care of everyone and everything else - (and one who is facing some life struggle that is bigger than usual), broke down as she spoke to a need that she needed to inform the council about. She said she would cover it, and immediately - from every person - the reaction was "no, we got you."

The need includes some financial investment by the church. But - even with the previous conversation of financial struggle - no one batted an eye.

I am pretty blessed to be serving with these people and in this place.

Where It Comes From

It's no secret to me that my stress picks up when world events become more chaotic. Or, when I have a conversation with a particular person at work. Both happened this week. Although I try to let the conversation go, I continue to have memories of responses that I would edit if I could. I don't think I was inappropriate, I just know that this particular person doesn't always see what I'm saying, and sometimes tells other people about what she thinks is true. Add in a dash of financial stress (and a vendor who is trying to get more money for services we do not think were given) and work is not my favorite place right now.

These are the days when this role really has to be about something other than what makes me happy - or what I want to be doing. It is a call. I do believe this place is doing good, despite the challenges.

Signs of Stress

I know I'm stressed when I start daydreaming about what I would do, or what life would be like in an apocalyptic event. Or, if zombies came. Or, even if we were forced to be refugees.

Just this moment I looked down at my clothing - pajamas with a random shirt thrown on for warmth -  and thought - well, that wouldn't be warm enough, and is more colorful than I usually go.

Other times I've thought that if there was time, I'd load up our double stroller to take with us. When kids were in diapers, I'd make sure they had a bunch of diapers. When my youngest was nursing, I was relieved that at least he would have food (as long as I could get enough water).

I don't need to go into what is feeding my stress, only that this is one of those signs to me that it's level is creeping up.

Childcare

I was very much against sending my kids to daycare. I didn't want the germs. I didn't want my kids to feel like I was trying to get rid of them (that's my own issue, I understand that). I wanted to be the one attending to each day's emotional, physical, social and mental development. But, then....work....

My boys go to daycare (at the same place where Gabriel attends preschool and David will start in January) one day a week. These last two weeks David has had a small fever the day before, so I've had to keep him home, but daycare worked with me and I was able to bring him each of the Fridays following, while Gabriel was at preschool.

Today there is a "Thanksgiving Feast" for all the kids. Parents are invited, but I'm not going to be going. I made sure to verify that David would still have his allergy meal - so he wouldn't end up having a reaction or not have anything to eat. But, because I've taken it for granted that the meals at daycare are nut free, I didn't think about whether the catered Thanksgiving meal would be nut free until I dropped Gabriel off.

As I searched for the director to verify, so assured me that it was definitely nut free.

They have been so accommodating for us - which I would hope they would be for anyone with allergies. But, also, they have accommodated our one-day-a-week schedule. They've allowed me to switch when something has come up on our one day (as long as there has been room). Most of the teachers/caregivers are wonderful!

Although David sometimes doesn't eat much while he's there, he always seems to have a good time. His teachers report him to be happy and easy-going. When I come to pick him up he's usually having a great time (once he was still sleeping after nap - when everyone else was up, but that was one of the days he was getting sick).

Gabriel sometimes seems a little shy when I drop him off - and sometimes when I pick him up he's definitely just playing by himself, but then he reports playing with some specific kids and excited about what they do and say. And, maybe he is just enjoying what he's playing with? He also has gotten really excited when we see other kids outside of daycare, but shy when we approach to say hi.

And yes, they have been exposed to a few more germs. But, we make it through - and the next time they don't suffer as much.

I am grateful to have this good solution to our childcare needs.

Health Care

David has been sick with a minor temperature (100.5) the last two Tuesdays, which is the one day the boys go to daycare so I can work. My task then is to either try to cram my work into evenings, weekends and newly nonexistent nap times, or for Pablo to take a sick day. Today, Pablo will work a ½ day, and I will work a ½ day.

David has had his share of colds/fever, and pretty much handles it like a trooper. Gabriel gets coughs after colds that are tough enough to lead to vomit. Both have allergies that are bordering on scary (with the possibility of an anaphylactic reaction), but have so far not encountered anything that has caused much more than a hospital visit, allergist appointments and careful food intake.

We are so so fortunate to have good medical care. I can't help but realize the basic human right of good health care as a privilege as we hear the news of a caravan of people heading to the United States seeking asylum. The caravan including young children, young women giving birth along the route and families started in Honduras and gained travelers along the way. I cannot imagine needing to pick up with so very little to attempt to start a new life somewhere.

I am especially mindful of health as people along the route have generously offered food and clothing - and one picture I saw was of kind people making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. My kids (and me) would not be able to eat those offers of nourishment. If we were in that caravan, I'm not sure how our boys, especially David, would be nourished.

This is a post of thankfulness - for the wonderful health professionals who care for our kids (we especially love our allergist, and have grown to greatly trust their pediatrician), and for the relative place of privilege that we are able to tend to the needs of our kids.

Lame Duck

I wish I could say I accomplished something significant today.
I cleared out e-mail that had piled up over a weekend away.
I edited a couple bulletins that didn't need much editing.
I made bulletins and prayers and lesson readings for 2 Sundays.
I cleaned up a bunch of candles.
I washed my alb.
I organized as much as I could for the time being for VBS.
I packed 3 boxes of books.

I'm a lame duck. I have 3 sermons yet to preach. Only 1 bulletin (and lesson sheet and prayer sheet) to prepare - the others are done. I have some visits to make, a week of Vacation Bible School to walk through (with the others who are mainly leading it), and not much else.

And, perhaps because I don't have a lot to do, I find myself fretting about things I can't do anything about. I'm worrying about timing and the sale of my condo and getting a new job. I'm worrying about how to move all of my things and whether or not I'll make friends in my new community.

I'm worrying because it's late at night. I'm worrying because I didn't exercise today and I didn't get much done today. I'm worrying because I don't have much to get done tomorrow. But mostly because it's late at night.

One day at a time. That's all I can do.