Quips With Substance

Interspersed with the pew pews of Star Wars play, and episodes of tantrums, David (who is 5) is able to succinctly name truths of the world. A few days ago it was, "But, I just want to do what I  want without consequences!" And earlier this Spring, as he was explaining that he does not believe in the Easter Bunny, but his older brother (who I think continues to) was arguing with him said, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. What really matters is the Jesus came back to life."

He can be particularly defiant and strong headed and persistent. And, he is precocious - thinking he should be able to give us consequences when he doesn't like what we have done. Somehow he has decided that a consequence he can issue to me is that I will no longer "be married to Daddy" and that I have to leave the house for 5 days...except to take care of him when Pablo is working. He also sends me to my room for 5 hours at a time. I'm regularly tempted to take him up on it.

I want my big thinking, passionate little one to maintain both of those qualities. At preschool he has seemed to figure out how to navigate following rules and instructions from the teacher - in fact, much like his brother he says he "doesn't like" the kids who don't follow the rules. As he moves into kindergarten this year, I look forward to him learning more about how to operate within the structure of school and I wonder how that will impact his life outside of school. 

Deep Thoughts By David, Part 2

I'm not always sure what my kids are picking up about God and faith. We struggle with prayer (both have made it quite clear that bedtime prayer is not helpful for them). We have a hard time being in a worship service - whether in person pre-pandemic, or now on-line. Gabriel will do on-line Sunday School, but doesn't like to be on camera or respond to things. David will be there for songs and then pop in and out.

But, again, he is thinking. His recent deep question goes something like this. "It's so silly. God and Jesus are the same person, but God is Jesus' dad. How does God carry Jesus?"

I have no answer for him other than to say that it is silly and people have been trying to figure that out for lots and lots of years. I love that he is imagining how this relationship could be and that to him a dad carries the son. I love that he starts with that it's silly.

Mostly, I'm amazed at 4-year-old deep thoughts and how they give me deeper insight into relationships. 

Deep Thoughts By David

David, who is 4, has been showing signs of incredibly deep thoughts in the last half year or so. A few months ago he all of a sudden realized that people die (likely nudged into that discovery since both Pablo and I had uncles die in the last year). One day, seemingly out of the blue, David looked at me with seriousness and a little bit of panic and said "I don't want you to die." 

In talking about death we've danced over that line of assurance and not making promises you can't keep. We've talked about that we're healthy. We work to be and stay healthy. We don't have any reason to believe that we will be dying soon. We've also talked a little about the fact that everything dies. That it's part of living. That we are sad, but that at some point it is just time for our bodies to be done. And, we've talked about God being with us all the time - even and especially when and after we die. That we are never alone. That we are with God forever.

David still makes us promise that we we try really hard not to die, even when we're really old. And we say we will try really hard not to die.

This kid is thinking. He's sometimes aware of things going on around him that surprise me. And sometimes he is not at all. We were having an especially hard week and I complained to another mom in at preschool pick up as we walked to our cars. As I got into the car I realized David probably heard every single thing. When we got home I said to him, "David, I am sorry. I was complaining to Spencer's mom about things that feel hard about being a mom. I shouldn't have done that. His quick response, "That's okay. I didn't hear it." And he ran off to play.

A Rough Day

Uff - today was a rough one. 

While many are having long weeks (already - it's only Tuesday!) because it's the first week back to school (and for some, work) after winter break, that wasn't really our story today. Perhaps it was a contributing factor, but neither of the people who actually had work to do (the work-from-home adult and the remote-learning kindergartener) were what made today especially tough. It was the preschooler, who is likely fighting the structure, and having a lot of feelings about having returned to preschool yesterday for the first time since Halloween.

Because of his dad's and brother's online work, we are needing to be more structured than we have been the last two weeks. And, a temper tantrum cannot happen near their work spaces - it's just too loud. 

So, he and I spent a lot of time working out his emotions in his room today. A number of toys got taken away until tomorrow...and then some until the next day when the brothers orchestrated a jail break for them (and succeeded). Tv is taken away until tomorrow afternoon for both of them as well.

I wondered today if I needed to make a chart to log when each toy and privilege would be returned. At this point I'm keeping track of it, but it wouldn't take too many more to flummox me.

Tonight, as he was falling asleep, David said "It's okay to yell if someone takes your toys, right?" And, I responded that no, that wasn't okay. I said it was okay to yell if you needed to warn someone they were going to get hurt - or if you were trying to get their attention outside. His brain is working - so hard. He's trying to sort out how to deal with these big emotions, and is worried that he's going out to school when no one else is leaving the house. If he has to wear a mask he figures it's not safe.

And frankly, I want to yell if someone takes something from me too.

Why I'm Back

I started blogging again for a few reasons. One is honestly because I have all these thoughts I don't ever really have a chance to talk about with other adults. I mean, the majority of the time I'm caring for my kids who really don't allow conversation with others.

It's not only because of my kids. Another reason is that a lot of what I'm thinking about doesn't really fit into the adult conversations I do have. Some may, but this blogging also gives me the chance to work out my point and be more succinct. I've described myself as an external processor - meaning that sometimes I'm figuring out my point in the midst of talking. While this sometimes leads to some pretty good thoughts, often I'm stretching.

A third reason is because I want a place to remember this time and these stories - especially of my kids. I have not been good at writing things down and there are characteristics and stories of these two precious ones I want to remember once we're no longer in this time.

For today - I'm writing this while sitting on the couch next to David, who much of the time is holding my right hand. So, I'm typing one-handed. And every so often, he wants to type "d for David." Here is one of his: d

So, I'm back for now. With the knowledge that this is really only for me.

A Turning of the Tide Or the Eye of the Storm?

"I don't want to jinx it, but your boys are really well behaved." Said the nurse in the exam room yesterday. For the first time in our almost-5 years of seeing him, our doctor was running behind schedule. We were there after preschool - over the lunch hour - with both boys for the doctor to look at a rash on David (not a major concern, with nothing to do for it...but now we know).

The kids did do a very good job in the waiting room and in the exam room and as we went to get water between seeing the nurse and the doctor coming in (because David kept asking for it mostly because he just likes to operate the water cooler - but the nurse just thought he was thirsty). They were curious, and asked questions. They laughed when the nurse called David "sir" and when the doctor made funny noises. David let the pokes and prods of an appointment happen without a fuss.

We had some water spills, and at the end we had a pretty big bathroom mishap (though he was sitting on the toilet, none of the pee went in the toilet...and he was carried out with my shirt around his waist). But, the nurse was right. They were well-behaved. At a time I didn't really expect them to be.

This has been happening more and more, lately. Not quite so much that I count on it. But with enough regularity that I don't think it's a fluke. It is getting easier to parent these two rambunctious kiddos. Easier at least for a little bit...

An Extension of Themselves

David, 2 ½, wants us to hold his arm while he eats and goes to sleep. He says "open/close" to indicate what we should do with our hand on his arm and often does that a number of times before relaxing into it. It's endearing and frustrating all at the same time. Sometimes it's pretty uncomfortable, especially when my arm is through his crib slats and I'm laying on the floor. Often, as I eat, I need to take my hand away for a moment, saying "I need two hands." He usually complains the entire time.

And, I am reminded that while my body continues to be my own, part of this role of motherhood - at least that way I am navigating it - includes allowing my body to be someone else's comfort. Allowing my kids to sit on me, hold onto me, snuggle into me, use my body as an extension of themselves.

I sometimes set my boundaries and say - "this is my body part." And when I do that I realize a bit of how this time of my body being theirs is actually pretty short. This time of them wanting to be right on top of me - or the natural way they grab my hand as we walk someplace - will likely only continue for a small portion of their lives. Sometimes I'm grateful that my body will one day again only be my own. And sometimes it feels sad to consider it.

Antidote

Yesterday was a lovely day (despite the stresses of work and world), in which I got to go to the Museum of Science and Industry with my 2 kids. They explored, they got their hands on different things (appropriately), they let me lead them to places they hadn't been before. We had a wonderful couple hours (that were also free except for parking)!

After the museum, we met up with my cousin Karin, who has a special relationship with my kids. I'm glad to have time with her too, but it was a particular blessing that she moved here to start classes at the same time I went back to work and was able to watch my kids one day a week for the first six months. I miss seeing her regularly, but both kids seem to easily fall back into trusting and loving her. As I think anyone would.

I get Thursdays alone with my kids this year. No appointments, no classes. No responsibilities to others. It's also the last year that both boys will not be in 5-day-a-week (full day!) school. So, I'm trying to get out and do things that are bit more far-flung or time consuming. Last week we went raspberry picking and then to a playground. I should maybe make a list of adventures so that we can keep it up.

Laurie Berkner

When I knew I was pregnant I went searching for new kids music to play and sing and dance with my kids. I didn't really find anything new - or danceable. The words I used to search were probably off. Anyway, somehow in the last 4 years I heard a musician named Laurie Berkner - and in this last year especially my kids cannot get enough of her.

There are some songs that both boys sing along to (David with sounds, Gabriel with words). We searched out a timpani earlier in the year because one is used in one of her songs. One of her songs begins with a countdown: 5...4...3, 2, 1 - Blast Off - which I often use to get my kids moving.

I can only handle so much of most kids music, but her music is fun and peppy and easy to listen to for hours on end. She plays a kid show at Ravinia each year, and we got to go this year. It was well worth it and I'm betting we'll go again.

I recently bought her Christmas album from about 5 years ago. One of the songs sings, "Christmas is coming..." It was on and Gabriel was singing it as we started up the stairs to get ready for bed. He excitedly turns to me and yells - "THIS SONG IS RIGHT! CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"

I am thankful for Laurie Berkner.

Gabriel's Teachers (and others)

Today Gabriel had a hard day at school. The only way I know is that his teacher stopped me when I was picking him up to tell me about it. He had two incidents where his emotions were on the surface and he had to be calmed - which may be normal at home, but according to his teacher is not normal there. In each case a different teacher was a calming, comforting presence. Allowing for his emotion, assuring him that everything was alright.

Afterwards, as I was explaining things to Pablo, I realized I wasn't positive what had actually happened in the second incident, so I sent an e-mail and was assured that everything was accidental (and in response to my concern, that it was completely fine if I e-mailed).

I am grateful for these kind, sensitive, level-headed (and fun) teachers. There are others too that have been in Gabriel's and David's lives and I'm especially grateful for a couple of David's daycare teachers as they've loved on him, made sure that all is safe in regards to allergies for him and have created a warm classroom.

While I sometimes feel jealous of other people when they're getting to spend time with my kids (that I'm paying to do so) I am so grateful for these women.

My Children's Joy

Every single day I get to hear giggles coming from my two boys. Tickles, jokes, pure joy while running, playing, singing, dancing.

Today we got to go and play in snow as it fell and gathered on the ground. Gabriel can be mischievous as he grabs snow and launches it towards me, laughing as he does so. He gets incredibly excited sometimes and just cannot hold back a squeal of glee. He can be intense in all he does, but especially in having fun.

David is almost always good natured and really has fun if he's doing whatever everyone else is doing. He loves to jump - especially at gymnastics - and run, chasing after his brother.

These kids are just enjoyable to be around ( usually), and certain bring so much joy to each day.

Cuddletime

Almost every night I get to cuddle with Gabriel - and he will ask to sometimes when we're reading or watching tv. He definitely wants us to as he's falling asleep. It sometimes means he has a hard time when he wakes up in the middle of the night, but we're working on that.

While David has often been the better sleeper of our two kids, that hasn't been true the last few months. He's often gotten up in the middle of the night - and unlike Gabriel, who usually just wants company, David is ready to get up and go. 

Today he woke up at 5, but instead of being insistent that he start playing or watching tv, he snuggled into me and snoozed for about an hour and a half. I tried to get him back in his crib during that time, but he wasn't having it. And so, today I am thankful for cuddles with my boys.

Childcare

I was very much against sending my kids to daycare. I didn't want the germs. I didn't want my kids to feel like I was trying to get rid of them (that's my own issue, I understand that). I wanted to be the one attending to each day's emotional, physical, social and mental development. But, then....work....

My boys go to daycare (at the same place where Gabriel attends preschool and David will start in January) one day a week. These last two weeks David has had a small fever the day before, so I've had to keep him home, but daycare worked with me and I was able to bring him each of the Fridays following, while Gabriel was at preschool.

Today there is a "Thanksgiving Feast" for all the kids. Parents are invited, but I'm not going to be going. I made sure to verify that David would still have his allergy meal - so he wouldn't end up having a reaction or not have anything to eat. But, because I've taken it for granted that the meals at daycare are nut free, I didn't think about whether the catered Thanksgiving meal would be nut free until I dropped Gabriel off.

As I searched for the director to verify, so assured me that it was definitely nut free.

They have been so accommodating for us - which I would hope they would be for anyone with allergies. But, also, they have accommodated our one-day-a-week schedule. They've allowed me to switch when something has come up on our one day (as long as there has been room). Most of the teachers/caregivers are wonderful!

Although David sometimes doesn't eat much while he's there, he always seems to have a good time. His teachers report him to be happy and easy-going. When I come to pick him up he's usually having a great time (once he was still sleeping after nap - when everyone else was up, but that was one of the days he was getting sick).

Gabriel sometimes seems a little shy when I drop him off - and sometimes when I pick him up he's definitely just playing by himself, but then he reports playing with some specific kids and excited about what they do and say. And, maybe he is just enjoying what he's playing with? He also has gotten really excited when we see other kids outside of daycare, but shy when we approach to say hi.

And yes, they have been exposed to a few more germs. But, we make it through - and the next time they don't suffer as much.

I am grateful to have this good solution to our childcare needs.

Parenting Partner

Today - and every day - I am so grateful for my partner in life...and most obviously now, my partner in parenting. Many weekends, parts of Saturdays and Sundays mean that Pablo takes on the stay-at-home parent lifestyle. And, he easily navigates all that is required to care for (and entertain) our boys.

I'm especially grateful for this on Sundays. It's not easy bringing two busy young kids to worship by oneself. Especially when the other parent is up front. While it's not part of his own practice, Pablo brings the boys twice a month to worship - even as that means he essentially brings the boys for about 10 minutes of doing what most of us think of as worship - and the other 40 minutes (we have short services) chasing after the boys heading in two different directions.

I do feel that pang of wanting to sit with my boys, whispering guidance and explanation to them throughout the service. But, even as I can't be that person, I am so very glad that Pablo is up for the task of herding and parenting that makes it possible for me to do my work and the boys to grow up in the church.

Democratic Dissent

November 9th - I'm thankful for the ability to do something when I disagree with the decisions people in power make. I'm not always sure what difference my actions make, but I do feel that the right to call congresspeople and to peacefully protest matters in the big scheme of things. Even if it is just to shift the culture - slowly, but surely.

These last few years I have wanted to be part of the swell of voice calling for justice - showing that there is support behind a number of issues. But with my first responsibility to be the care and safety of my two young ones, I've not been able to show up to many events. However, the boys and I participated in their first peaceful protest on Thursday. There was a call for a rapid response to actions of our current president and many people gathered in large cities and not-so-large cities to name that his actions were not right. ("Protect Mueller" was the hashtag/theme). 

A group in our town, that I think of as being a place of privilege that means many are sheltered from the effects of injustice (which may be a completely unfair assessment), held a small rally. I'd say there were about 50 people who marched around Cook Park with signs and chanted. I didn't really talk about it with the boys beforehand - I barely knew we'd be going until we left the library hearing the group around the corner. I'm not sure what they got from it, but I'm thankful that I could be part of something.

And, I'm sure that as they get older we will have the opportunity to make our voices heard again and again.

David

As I write, I do so with my almost-2-year-old, David, in my lap. We shall see how much I can actually type and how much he takes over the keyboard.

Because of colds and fevers, I have had some extra one-on-one time with him in the last couple weeks. Even as a child who can't communicate fully and isn't feeling well, he is a sweet boy. He's curious and determined. The last two months his favorite phrase is "I do dat" sometimes said after he has done something, sometimes as he is insisting that he do it.

He loves to play with his big brother - and tries to keep up as best as he can. He also can easily spend a good deal of time playing by himself. When we go to do something we don't often have to worry about his disposition or whether he will have fun, because he goes with the flow....except when it comes to getting in his carseat.

I say that even as he readily asserts his opinion. He wants to do things for himself. He prefers dad to put him to bed. He will rarely try a new food item, and along with his pickiness we struggle with feeding him because of allergies. He is ready to play at school when we drop off Gabriel (and will start after he turns 2). 

I am thankful for this precious child - for the love he gives and the love I get to give. For his part in our family - and for all the ways in which he does and will bless the world.