Whose Little Brown Boys

When Michael Brown was killed by police in Ferguson, MO I was entering my third trimester with my first beloved brown little boy. 

Closer to home in Chicago, and only a couple months later, Laquan McDonald was shot in the back while walking away from police. Less than a month later, I would welcome my (first) sweet little one into the world.

Yesterday, footage was released of the police murder of Adam Toledo, a 13-year old boy who was turning around with his hands up when a Chicago police officer shot him in the chest. As with other moments of police murder and brutality, I am NOT going to watch the video that was released, but I believe that, as I heard someone comment on NPR today, Adam did everything he was told. And he was killed.

Adam Toledo was only 7 years older than my oldest child. 

My kids are learning about racism, but I have yet to have the conversation with either one of them that they might be the recipients of racism, of the engrained disparity created by white supremacy, of police brutality. 

They are cushioned, somewhat, by wealth. They will have more privilege and safety than many. But, I know I'm unable to fully protect them from micro aggressions, let alone larger repercussions of white supremacy. 

Right now, I am feeling more sadness than fear. More despair at our country and the racist systems that continue to perpetrate violence upon black and brown people than worry about what my children will experience. 

But the shadow of what my children might experience certainly weighs heavily.

I'm a Joiner

Part of figuring out what I want to do with my energy and time is that it seems like there are a lot of little things that can add up quickly.

Pablo and I have very different ideas of how a person is involved in community - perhaps to the extreme. Or, maybe rather, I'm the extreme one and Pablo is how everyone else is. My natural urge is to step in and help out in whatever is needed. To be part of whatever work seems to be needed - even if no one else has said it's something to be needed. Pablo will be involved in some things if asked, but when we talk about whether I'm going to do something he will say that he just doesn't have the same compulsion as I do.

While this stepping into community tasks has meant I've gotten to be part of some interesting things - and sometimes discovered that which I'm definitely not good at - it has also meant in recent years that my saying yes impacts my family. As the main family calendar keeper, I also have to figure out how things get covered when I'm busy working on other things. 

This was the case when I was working too - and sometimes I felt I had to negotiate when I would fit in time to do my work. We would figure out some givens - like that Pablo would do something with the kids every Saturday morning and he was in charge of everything on Sunday mornings - but since my job wasn't something that was just clocking in and clocking out - but creating something that sometimes came easily and other times didn't, as well as responding to other people's needs - I often felt like I was carving out time to do things for work when other people would be using that time for exercise or rest.

But, back to my compulsion to join into community tasks: I've also recently decided that I don't want to be a complainer, but if I have a complaint think about how I can contribute to a more positive outcome. So, this moves me to be more involved. I was frustrated that our neighborhood was doing events geared for teenagers and older. I realized that this was merely a friend group that was doing things and inviting others. They weren't cruise captains needing to tend to everyone's interests. So, a friend and I put together an event for younger kids - and we'll do more too, I'm sure. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide whether I should say yes to being on my congregation's call committee. I have some big opinions, and am not sure how much I want to put them out there - or have them be involved in this process. I need to decide quite soon...but either way, the things I've had strong opinions about (some things I would name as complaints) could be addressed if I am involved. Or, at least my point of view would be heard. 

Because, finally,  I'm glad that I get to do some of these other little things outside of house and home. I miss working with other people on things, and this gives me a little taste. I miss having my voice listened to (because my kids really aren't) and creating together - where ideas grow and things are better because everyone had input. And, I miss seeing where I make my mark.

Crabby With "No"s

Ufff - I'm feeling crabby.

I was excited to go and play in the snow with my kiddos after school, but they both decided they would rather play inside. I'm sitting here with my snow pants on, waiting for at least one of them to change their minds. Pablo will be home in about 20 minutes - maybe there will be enough light for me to go snowshoe or something. 

I'm also crabby because I was just asked to be on a committee for the church I belong to. I'm crabby about this because I read what they are working on - and it's definitely a committee that's goal is in line with what I think the direction of the church should be. It's something I've worked on in each of the settings I've been in since 2005. It's something that at times I've been passionate about. But, I'm also feeling pretty burnt out and cynical about it. I know it will take a positive attitude and many cheerleaders to make it work and I don't think I have that positive, cheerleading attitude. 

Honestly, I'm burnt out on people and programs. I'm not interested in working on something that is trying to be new, innovative or even back to the basics if it involves trying to drum up support for it or with any form of trying to get others involved in it. I do not want to evangelize - anything - right now.

And, I feel bad saying no. I feel bad because it has been something I've felt strongly about. It has been something I've worked hard for in the past. But, I just don't want to. And I feel a bit like a child. Or maybe I'm just being true to what I need to be and how I need to interact with the church right now. Maybe that's not being like a child at all - but self-aware and clear.  

I'm still feeling crabby about it though.

Hope in Images, Oaths, Words

Today was hope filled.

Gabriel and I watched much of the inauguration this morning, including both the Vice President and the President take their oaths of office. The mere presence of many of the people up on that stage made me tear up. That the pledge of allegiance was signed, that a baby was being a noisy baby during the president's oath taking, that Eugene Goodman, one of the heroes from the insurrection on January 6th, was on security for the vice president. The joy and soul the our VPOTUS and POTUS exuded. The well-done speech of President Joe Biden. The first woman, first black, first Indian-American Vice President. All filled me with hope.

But, it was the poet, Amanda Gorman, and her poem "The Hill We Climb" that really keeps hitting me with emotion - of relief - of hope - of resolve.

When day comes we ask ourselves,
where can we find light in this never-ending shade?
The loss we carry,
a sea we must wade
We've braved the belly of the beast
We've learned that quiet isn't always peace
And the norms and notions
of what just is
Isn’t always just-ice
And yet the dawn is ours
before we knew it
Somehow we do it
Somehow we've weathered and witnessed
a nation that isn’t broken
but simply unfinished
We the successors of a country and a time
Where a skinny Black girl
descended from slaves and raised by a single mother
can dream of becoming president
only to find herself reciting for one
And yes we are far from polished
far from pristine
but that doesn’t mean we are
striving to form a union that is perfect
We are striving to forge a union with purpose
To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and
conditions of man
And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us
but what stands before us
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,
we must first put our differences aside
We lay down our arms
so we can reach out our arms
to one another
We seek harm to none and harmony for all
Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:
That even as we grieved, we grew
That even as we hurt, we hoped
That even as we tired, we tried
That we’ll forever be tied together, victorious
Not because we will never again know defeat
but because we will never again sow division
Scripture tells us to envision
that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree
And no one shall make them afraid
If we’re to live up to our own time
Then victory won’t lie in the blade
But in all the bridges we’ve made
That is the promise to glade
The hill we climb
If only we dare
It's because being American is more than a pride we inherit,
it’s the past we step into
and how we repair it
We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation
rather than share it
Would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy
And this effort very nearly succeeded
But while democracy can be periodically delayed
it can never be permanently defeated
In this truth
in this faith we trust
For while we have our eyes on the future
history has its eyes on us
This is the era of just redemption
We feared at its inception
We did not feel prepared to be the heirs
of such a terrifying hour
but within it we found the power
to author a new chapter
To offer hope and laughter to ourselves
So while once we asked,
how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe?
Now we assert
How could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?
We will not march back to what was
but move to what shall be
A country that is bruised but whole,
benevolent but bold,
fierce and free
We will not be turned around
or interrupted by intimidation
because we know our inaction and inertia
will be the inheritance of the next generation
Our blunders become their burdens
But one thing is certain:
If we merge mercy with might,
and might with right,
then love becomes our legacy
and change our children’s birthright
So let us leave behind a country
better than the one we were left with
Every breath from my bronze-pounded chest,
we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one
We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west,
we will rise from the windswept northeast
where our forefathers first realized revolution
We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the midwestern states,
we will rise from the sunbaked south
We will rebuild, reconcile and recover
and every known nook of our nation and
every corner called our country,
our people diverse and beautiful will emerge,
battered and beautiful
When day comes we step out of the shade,
aflame and unafraid
The new dawn blooms as we free it
For there is always light,
if only we’re brave enough to see it
If only we’re brave enough to be it

Inauguration Eve

Four years ago, tomorrow's date of 1/20/2021 seemed so far away. I watched some of the Inauguration of our 45th President and knew that it was not a great day for our country, but I could not have imagined just how much evil could be done.

I don't need to list the atrocities this president has allowed and made happen. Many, likely done to promote himself or his label. Many to benefit himself or his family financially. Some, done because others said it was what his base wanted. Lives torn apart. The poisoning of our earth further hastened. A bitter divide increased. I believe that he will be known as the worst United States President in our history.

And so, it is with no small relief and joy that I get ready for tomorrow. I do not suppose for a second that our 46th President will solve everything or will not at times disappoint or even anger me with some decisions. But, I trust that he will lead with an eye for the entire country. That he has been and will continue to listen to others and will surround himself not with "yes" men and women, but with those who will work with and challenge him to best serve our country.

I am a little nervous about what will happen tomorrow. I worry for safety of those involved in the inauguration. I worry about the reaction that might reverberate throughout our country - in capitols and cities. 

My day tomorrow isn't too different than any other. But, I will raise a glass tomorrow night to our new, moral, team-player of a POTUS.

Yet Again, Aware of My Privilege

I had the conversation with the Senior Pastor today and it went very well. At one point, prior to actually talking about the specifics of how I was wanting to be involved we were just talking about the state of the world, and he said something along the lines of "You don't want to have to think about what could happen in this next week, but you also have to be prepared." He was, in particular thinking about what happens for the church if internet or banking are challenged, but I shared that I was also mindful of trying to be prepared in case it's not a good idea to leave the house for a little bit.

I truly don't think it will come to that, but it also does cross my mind. Between unrest around our country, and a new, more contagious variant of the Coronavirus, I'm really wondering about if we should make any preparations or changes to how we are currently navigating life.

And again I realize how very privileged I am to be sitting here, very comfortably, able to isolate myself and my family and not worry about how we're going to put food on the table or keep our kids safe.

Anti-Racist Communities, continued

I received a quick response from my kid's principal today, saying she wanted me to know she got my e-mail, and was taking some time to process it and talk with our district's curriculum coordinator (who I mentioned I had previously talked with). It took me 2 months to get an e-mail off to her and I appreciate that she's not just choosing to brush this off.

Before I got that response, I finally finished the letter to our town's Human Relations Commission that is looking at diversity and affordable housing in our community. They held conversation groups last November, but I wasn't able to make any of them. After some stalling, I started a letter on December 28th, and here we are January 13th and I finally sent it off. I raised both huge issues and little ones - not many in between. 

I have been frustrated by the ways our community collects responses. There was a 2030 plan our town put together and apparently in 2019 they had feedback sessions, but I was not aware of them. I have read every newsletter and follow the facebook pages I know of. Maybe I missed it, but it does feel like it's a symptom of suburbia - those who are in the know are a small group - and the rest of us just go along with it. Only, I've been trying to get in and I'm really not sure how to do that.

Anyway, my letter to the Human Relations Commission listed that I believe all employees, trustees and board members should go through anti-racism training and that, since we have a history of documented racist policies, we need a strong statement acknowledging our racist past and resolving to move into anti-racist policies. And then I named ways in which our community hasn't always provided opportunities for families with young kids well and ways in which we could better celebrate diverse cultures. 

If my previous correspondences with my town are any indication, I don't anticipate getting a response. But, I'm going to keep paying attention.

Anti-Racist Communities

Back in June/July I wrote to the school board and then, in response, had a conversation with our school district's curriculum director regarding anti-racism curriculum and hiring practices. At that time, I put a note for myself in my calendar to contact my son's principal in October to follow up. It is of note that this was before we had actually begun at the school, and that way back in June/July, I had some assumption that we wouldn't have as many concerns about COVID as we did. I'm not sure why, but I was thinking we'd be in a pattern and October would be a time when all of the extra start up energy began to not be needed. But, of course, that is when the push began to get kids back into schools and I know that our administrator's energy was already being stretched.

So, I kept putting it off, and kept putting it off. Today, a bit on a whim, but also because I'd learned about new IL legislation that requires training in culturally responsive teaching, I finally wrote. I feel a little timid because I don't actually know what is being done around anti-racism in our area and I am not an expert. But, I do want to make sure that 1) this community is safe for my kids - and all other children regardless of their color and 2) I want my kids to have a non-white-centered education...meaning a much broader, more robust education that I did not get. 

I'd love if there was a group that I could join that was doing this kind of work already - whether in my school district or in others. I wish I knew how to best help our community and leaders grow to being anti-racist. I know it's personal work, but I feel like I'm fumbling at trying to raise it as an issue to work on in our community. All of a sudden I'm not a leader at anything, but this is something that I feel so strongly about and I believe needs to be a constant focus.

On Display

For Christmas I got Pablo and 3-month subscription to an at-home mystery-solving game. It's essentially an escape room at home. We conquered the first month's challenge last night (in our pjs on our bed) and it was a lot of fun. It was maybe a little more focused and orderly than other escape rooms. In those rooms I'm always trying to remember every single little detail, thinking it might be important, and I get bogged down in the details. This one was also a lot of word-games - something I have more than my fair share of experience in.

I told Pablo I was much more relaxed than usual and I do think I feel pressure when I know someone is watching - even if they are watching so they can give us a hint.

That is perhaps an okay segue to the realization I've had recently that I have felt so much less in the public eye since leaving pastoral life 6 months ago. I'm glad to have some anonymity, although my last role really wasn't all that involved. I'm not needing to figure in decisions I make based on what they might communicate to the community I work for. 

On the flip side, I am feeling a little lost in realizing that without a particular role there is not much that people will look to me to do. So much of what I've done in life has happened because someone knew me and thought of me for something. A lot has fallen in my lap - and with that comes both the ease and excitement of moving into something new, as well as the responsibility of managing that public life.

Like I said, I'm grateful that I can not be a public person right now. But, I'm also aware that there is a part of me that will always be seeking to better the neighborhood, city, state, country - place in which I live. And that when all is said and done, my skills will likely lead me to a more public role again in the future.

Consequential

My brain is mush. My motivation is pretty low too. I'd like to go hide in a cabin somewhere for a few days - just by myself...but with wifi to watch all the Netflix I want. And, I'll eat all the foods that I crave. Of course, then I'll get a stomach ache and feel uncomfortable because I'm no longer 25 and everything I put into my body seems to have a repercussion.

Tonight we could overhear the boys talking in the play room while we sat talking at the kitchen table. David asked Gabriel, "What is a punishment?" And Gabriel said "It's when you do something bad and then you get something taken away. It's a, it's a...consequence." 

I've been using the word consequence a lot with both kids. And I could tell Gabriel was working hard to remember it - but he did. I've tried to parent with natural consequences - meaning that whatever punishment happens is directly related to what was done wrong. It doesn't always work, but it's pretty easy when it's something like mistreating property. Less obvious when it's simply not listening to parental directions (although, sometimes there too it's obvious...you didn't get your shoes on by yourself when I asked you to, now I will do it for you. You didn't come when I asked, you missed out on the surprise or treat.)

Today's news is full of consequences. Consequences of this current administration's false claims of fraud and stoking of conspiracy, consequences of social media posts that show people committing sedition (and jobs lost), and consequences of the white supremacy upon which our country is built. What we do matters. What we say matters. Who we allow to make decisions matters. 

In many cases, it feels like so many haven't had to bear the consequences of their actions. I saw it noted that lawmakers now know what it's like to cower under desks, as so many school children have done when gunmen have terrorized schools. I'm sure that many in power, including our current president, rarely have to bear the consequences of their decisions and actions - but others do.

I won't be eating all the junk food I want. My kids are still going to have a toy taken away if they throw it at someone. And I'll be watching to see what consequences bear out from all the terror inflicted yesterday.

January 6, 2020

Today started with the wonderful news that the Senate elections, which I wrote postcards for, seemed to be going in my favor. (In my humble opinion, in the favor of the country, really). Rev. Warnock was declared the winner of his race, and Jon Ossoff was expected to win, which he did later this afternoon.

And then a not-entirely unexpected thing happened. Trump supporters descended upon Washington D.C. Not just to protest but to cause insurrection. While I disagree with their opinion, I fully support their right to protest - but not to storm Congress and interrupt the ratification of the vote for POTUS.

It seemed as if they were practically allowed to enter. It seemed as if those guarding the Capital were woefully unprepared and staffed. I wonder what we will learn in the coming days and weeks - but right now a lot still seems murky.

Yesterday I complained about 4-year-old behavior - and perhaps I should start to refer to him as a little insurrectionist. Because when he doesn't get his way, or we say something he doesn't like, he screams and throws things. Even his own things. And that is what it seems like the current President is doing.

Get Out of the House

What have you done to get out of the house? Today we got to go to a kid's play place/gym that is offering 2 hours of play for a family unit by themselves. It is definitely worth the $30 we pay to go and play with basketball, soccer, make our own obstacle courses, and play with their imaginative play toys. 

My guys playing with the foam bricks and boards.

The owner is also a father to 3 young kids and he asked at one point what we did to get out of the house. Everything we do that gets us out of the house is either outdoors or in our car. Part of the amazingness of this place is that we feel absolutely safe for these 2 hours to let our kids play and explore inside someplace that is not our home.

We do make an effort to get out of the house. In my head I'm trying to do it every day, but it doesn't always happen. I am thankful for the snow that has arrived these last few days - even the dusting that came overnight. That snow makes going outside just a little more exciting.

At the End of 2020

Our New Year's Eve is not all that different than it would have been if COVID precautions weren't part of our lives. (I'm sitting here writing at 9:30 at night...really just a night like almost any night).

We had appetizers for supper and ate at the kitchen island instead of the dinner table.We started to work on a time capsule, and wore party hats and 2021 glasses and found a kid-friendly countdown. All-in-all, it was a nice time - a little different than our day-to-day. But, nothing remarkable.

Earlier today, however, we did have a fun time. A neighbor friend (Dea) and I decided to put together a Noon Year's Eve party for kids at our playground. I think there were 10 kids with their adults - and a few other adults as well. We made egg shakers for our noise makers as well as some other crafts - and did a countdown at noon (actually at 12:01 and 15 seconds) and threw popcorn in the air. Kids played. Adults talked. There was was mishap with kids sledding, but everyone was okay in the end.

Today might actually mirror the entirety of 2020. A lot of family time spent at home. A little excitement and figuring out ways to have fun and be community in safe, Covid-friendly ways. A little fear (during the sledding mishap). Some attempt to create meaningful ways to mark time and transitions even if they feel to me like they fall a little flat. And, a lot of cleaning. 

I do not think I'll look back at this year and think it was horrible. There have certainly been some shifts in life. Issues I am thinking about now are not at all what I thought I'd be thinking about a year ago. There has been some good work begun on things I care about - and much more to do. I've gotten more organized in some ways at home. I've gotten more proficient in my cooking (even if one kid won't eat anything). I've done pretty well at developing and sticking to regular exercise. I've read a lot. 

Overall, I have much to be thankful for from this past year. I bless it and am glad to move forward into 2021.

Postcards to Voters

For this year's presidential elections, I felt like I needed to do something more than contribute money, so I wrote 200 postcards to Wisconsin urging people who might vote to do so. (My understanding it targeted people who were sometime-voters). I followed that up with 90 more sent to Georgia. Here is when I mailed the Wisconsin postcards in October. The text was something like, "Dear [first name], thank you for being a voter (or first-time voter). Who you vote for is a secret, but whether you vote is public information. Please vote in the Tuesday, November 3rd election. Local organizations may follow up with you to update your voting record. Amy"

Then, knowing that Georgia's Senate election will determine who has control of the Senate, I signed up to write 100 postcards, and then grabbed 75 more. I also was getting our Christmas cards out at the same time, so I was writing a lot. The text for these was, "Dear [first name], Thank you for be a voter (or voters...some of these for for couples or entire households). Please vote in the Tuesday, January 5th Senate elections for Rev. Warnock and Jon Ossoff. Amy." 

It was not much, but it was something I was able to do. 
 

Postcards

For the primary elections this Spring, I wrote 100 postcards that got sent to Wisconsin to encourage people to vote. That election ended up being quite the debacle, and I felt a twinge of guilt, even though the postcards were mailed well before the election happened. 

This time around, I've got 200 blank (well, now 198 blank) postcards to send during October for the general election in November. I'm actually hoping that I can finish these and request more. The postcards don't seem to target any particular kind of voter, but with the organizers being liberal leaning, I believe the understanding is that if more people vote it's more likely that the liberal candidates will be voted in. 

I'm nervous about this election. Nervous especially because I can't believe that people voted for our current president in the first place. And now almost four years later, I'm not really sure what to make of that. So, I'm going to write postcards. I'm going to vote (in my county I can request a vote by mail ballot). I'm going to encourage others to vote. I'm not sure what else to do.

Continuing to Grow into Anti-Racism

I have written very little so far about George Floyd, protests, defunding the police and all that has been moving in our country in the last two weeks. Because of social distancing, we've decided not to go to any in-person protests or vigils. I'm trying to figure out how else to support the movement. 

For the last couple of years I've been reading more, and keeping track of what I've read. This year I've got the goal of reading a book a week, and though sometimes I get a little behind, I've caught up and am on track. A subgoal these last few years has been to read more BIPOC and LGBTQ authors...mostly fiction and sci-fi, but also some non-fiction, memoirs, stories of the author's life experience. 

We have also given some to organizations that are doing work to support migrants (especially in detention), the NAACP, The Southern Poverty Law Center, and Planned Parenthood. I've sometimes communicated with elected officials and am going to try to do more of that. To keep educating myself about topics and speaking up about them. This communication is definitely one of my growing edges.

And, I'm listening. I'm listening through books I read but also through social media (though I'm trying to not be on that as much), and other media - movies, tv shows, podcasts, etc.

At this point I know there is more to do. But, between my family's social distancing intention and my attempt to be on electronic devices less when I'm around my kids (from 6:30am-9pm), I feel limited. And when I write that, it feels like an excuse. 

Risk Tolerance, COVID edition

We're at that point of social distancing where we're trying to figure out what our risk tolerance is. We saw my in-laws yesterday. They had not even gotten groceries as they were preparing for our visit. We had done pick-up where someone put it in our trunk (as noted in the previous blog post). But, we also had not gotten close to anyone.

But now we're eager - and cautious - to see other people. I'm especially eager to get the kids together with a few friends. And we're finding that we don't always have the same risk tolerance. It's taking a lot of communication. Some concessions. Some rethinking. 

And, as always it is a balance.

Conversations Producing Ripples

This week includes a number of intense conversations that are requiring different parts of who I am. Yesterday, in the 2 hours in which my kids were at preschool, I had a conversation with a recruiter for an incredibly exciting position. Then, immediately afterwards had a coffee date with a friend.

Today, during work I'm having to sort out some billing discrepancies with a vendor who hasn't been the easiest to deal with. And, I'm going to be taking communion to a woman I've never met before with some dementia.

Tomorrow, during preschool, Pablo and I will be having our check in with our financial advisor, and then I'm going to meet with a community member about another possible direction I might take my life.

I thought about looking at my calendar to see what happens Thursday, but I'm not sure that matters really. Because the point is made: these conversations are requiring such different parts of me, but all of them needing some degree of curiosity, some degree of clarity, and some degree of having my stuff together. (Although, the coffee with a friend didn't require that....only that it was immediately after the other conversation).

I'm nervous about both of today's conversations. I'll be very glad when they are done. But the others feel like they bring some excitement and accomplishment. Excitement at possibility, at connection. Accomplishment at adulting responsibly (that's mostly the finance conversation - but the others are adulting as well).

There are some weeks and months where it feels like the majority of my conversations and work are, while not calm, steady. Parenting, pastoring - fulfilling the duties and work that are common and routine. This week does not feel routine. And it feels like these conversations will have ripples of affect into the future - for better and for worse.

Comfortable With What Comes Out of My Mouth

It's not often that I go to an adult party. I go to more kid parties than adult parties. I suppose kid parties can have the same kind of awkwardness that I find myself in at an adult party, but there are also usually distractions and easy conversation starters related to those kids.

Pablo and I got to go to a really fun adult party on Saturday night. It included a bonfire and party games. We knew a few people - and had fun talking with them, but we also managed to talk with some people we had not previously met.

Often after these events I have regret for things said - awkward responses or ways in which I dominated or didn't speak up. I didn't feel that after this party. Even with the following exchange:

In the attempt to make small talk with some people who are very much into sports, the talk moved to soccer and football. I so often find that I struggle to find the right balance of conversation between small talk and going deep. I'm not really good at the in between, and I feel uncomfortable really with keeping the small talk as small talk. So, I asked if they were intentional in having their elementary child play soccer instead of football. It was an enjoyable conversation. And then, one of the people said something along the lines of "soon the only people playing will be those who are looking to advance themselves financially."

Boom. "You're meaning that it will soon be that people who are poor, particularly people of color, are the only ones playing a sport that leads to brain damage for other's entertainment because they don't really see any other way to succeed in our county?"

I wasn't that blunt, but close. I ended with, "so, there's an injustice to football, huh?"

And then the conversation shifted and people moved on to other conversations, other groups.

For once I don't feel uncomfortable with how that conversation unfolded. I am not second guessing the discomfort my words caused. I feel good, actually. And not because I "got them." But because I didn't ignore the opportunity.

And who knows - it could have been that someone surprised me and I found someone else who shares a value with me. It wouldn't have surprised me completely because the friend whose party is was shares some of these values with me. But, in our area, my assumption is that most people would rather not name these things. Most people value living comfortably, and would rather not pay attention to the ways we lucked into our lives.

Overall the night was a lot of fun, and in some small way, this added to it. More than anything because I felt like I was able to be myself.

When Councils Get It Right

Today I got to be part of the beauty of a small congregation. We are facing some financial challenges - and some individuals are facing life struggles that impact finances. Our council meeting spent a good deal of time wading through some of the realities of our situation. People were careful with how they worded things and sensitive to how things might be heard. But were also straightforward in the discussion.

We have a plan of action and some more work to do, but because of some hard work we actually are able to plan and not just flail about guessing at our future.

Then, at the end of the meeting, one of the faithful - who is often the one taking care of everyone and everything else - (and one who is facing some life struggle that is bigger than usual), broke down as she spoke to a need that she needed to inform the council about. She said she would cover it, and immediately - from every person - the reaction was "no, we got you."

The need includes some financial investment by the church. But - even with the previous conversation of financial struggle - no one batted an eye.

I am pretty blessed to be serving with these people and in this place.