Whose Little Brown Boys

When Michael Brown was killed by police in Ferguson, MO I was entering my third trimester with my first beloved brown little boy. 

Closer to home in Chicago, and only a couple months later, Laquan McDonald was shot in the back while walking away from police. Less than a month later, I would welcome my (first) sweet little one into the world.

Yesterday, footage was released of the police murder of Adam Toledo, a 13-year old boy who was turning around with his hands up when a Chicago police officer shot him in the chest. As with other moments of police murder and brutality, I am NOT going to watch the video that was released, but I believe that, as I heard someone comment on NPR today, Adam did everything he was told. And he was killed.

Adam Toledo was only 7 years older than my oldest child. 

My kids are learning about racism, but I have yet to have the conversation with either one of them that they might be the recipients of racism, of the engrained disparity created by white supremacy, of police brutality. 

They are cushioned, somewhat, by wealth. They will have more privilege and safety than many. But, I know I'm unable to fully protect them from micro aggressions, let alone larger repercussions of white supremacy. 

Right now, I am feeling more sadness than fear. More despair at our country and the racist systems that continue to perpetrate violence upon black and brown people than worry about what my children will experience. 

But the shadow of what my children might experience certainly weighs heavily.

I'm a Joiner

Part of figuring out what I want to do with my energy and time is that it seems like there are a lot of little things that can add up quickly.

Pablo and I have very different ideas of how a person is involved in community - perhaps to the extreme. Or, maybe rather, I'm the extreme one and Pablo is how everyone else is. My natural urge is to step in and help out in whatever is needed. To be part of whatever work seems to be needed - even if no one else has said it's something to be needed. Pablo will be involved in some things if asked, but when we talk about whether I'm going to do something he will say that he just doesn't have the same compulsion as I do.

While this stepping into community tasks has meant I've gotten to be part of some interesting things - and sometimes discovered that which I'm definitely not good at - it has also meant in recent years that my saying yes impacts my family. As the main family calendar keeper, I also have to figure out how things get covered when I'm busy working on other things. 

This was the case when I was working too - and sometimes I felt I had to negotiate when I would fit in time to do my work. We would figure out some givens - like that Pablo would do something with the kids every Saturday morning and he was in charge of everything on Sunday mornings - but since my job wasn't something that was just clocking in and clocking out - but creating something that sometimes came easily and other times didn't, as well as responding to other people's needs - I often felt like I was carving out time to do things for work when other people would be using that time for exercise or rest.

But, back to my compulsion to join into community tasks: I've also recently decided that I don't want to be a complainer, but if I have a complaint think about how I can contribute to a more positive outcome. So, this moves me to be more involved. I was frustrated that our neighborhood was doing events geared for teenagers and older. I realized that this was merely a friend group that was doing things and inviting others. They weren't cruise captains needing to tend to everyone's interests. So, a friend and I put together an event for younger kids - and we'll do more too, I'm sure. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide whether I should say yes to being on my congregation's call committee. I have some big opinions, and am not sure how much I want to put them out there - or have them be involved in this process. I need to decide quite soon...but either way, the things I've had strong opinions about (some things I would name as complaints) could be addressed if I am involved. Or, at least my point of view would be heard. 

Because, finally,  I'm glad that I get to do some of these other little things outside of house and home. I miss working with other people on things, and this gives me a little taste. I miss having my voice listened to (because my kids really aren't) and creating together - where ideas grow and things are better because everyone had input. And, I miss seeing where I make my mark.

My Something Larger

I'm reading the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle and am definitely identifying with a lot of it. While I'm currently experiencing some of what is discussed, I'm more able to see the symptoms of burnout from my time being both parent and pastor. 

There is a lot I could reflect on as I'm reading, and in fact I've downloaded the audiobook worksheets - since I'm reading a library book on my kindle. I might try to fill the out at sometime. The piece I am most interested in figuring out is what my "Something Larger" is. That thing that gives my life meaning. 

A big something larger is raising my kids. Obviously nothing to dismiss and certainly something that I have put other things on hold for - happily. And yet, I think there is something else brewing. Sometimes it feels like a lot of little things. Sometimes it feels like it's maybe not something that I'll ever do for a career. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm unrealistic in what I hope to be able to do. Sometimes I wonder if I have the energy and the nerve to truly figure out what that Something Larger is and do something about it.

I have a sense my Something Larger has to do with issues of justice. With creating community that is accessible and life-giving for all. Possibly something about anti-racism. Possibly something about justice for women. I have senses, but it seems so unclear.

I'm only about ½ way through the book. Maybe it will offer further clarity in discovering my Something Larger. Maybe working through the worksheets will help. 

To be honest, I'm not sure I really want to know yet what that is. I do, but then am I going to want to charge ahead - to make things happen - to lead, as I often find myself doing? As I'm writing this, Gabriel has come in after his bath, ready for me to help him put his pajamas on, wanting to do his "writing" which is a page on my computer that he types random letters on, although some are becoming more word-like as he continues kindergarten. I am conscious that I want to keep focusing on this Something Larger of raising my kids at least until David's more involved in school. But, I wonder about whether I should be preparing because that's only a year and a half away.

So often in life my things have come to me - sometimes because I was working towards them, but often without me having to do too much soul searching. I'm not sure I want the next chapter to come so easily - or rather - to be defined by others quite so much. I want to steer it. 

But, I have to have a bit more of an understanding of what "it" is before I do that.

February's Resolution Begins

As we ease into February, my monthly resolution switches from writing frequently to logging my food intake. More than anything I just want to be more mindful of what I'm putting into my mouth. Today, on day 1, I stopped myself from eating oreos, chips, and a 3rd rice krispie treat (after the 2 I ate) when I didn't really even want food - I just wanted sugar or salt or to be chewing something. 

It's 7:45, and to be honest, the hardest time for me is from when I start cooking supper until I'm upstairs for the night. And, when I have a drink I'm even less likely to stop myself from indulging in sweets and salty unnecessary treats. So, the logging of food is not even so much to keep to a particular calorie count, although the app I use does do that. But more so to be more mindful of what I'm putting in my body.

SNOW!

We have had so much snow in the last week and I love it! Today we shoveled about a foot, and while I'm a little achy, I look forward to shoveling again tomorrow. 

There is something more fun about snow with the kids too. We're sledding down snow piles in our yard. Digging trenches and building walls to protect from snowball fights. We built two snowmen today - as target practice for the snowballs. Even just tromping through the snow is more fun. And, there is a lot of laughter.

I'm guessing I will continue to have fun in the snow my whole life, but there is really something special about the joy of snow with young kids.

Writing: What Might Be

I did not write yesterday and I've struggled some days to feel like I want to write. It's not that I struggle for ideas, but those ideas often come throughout the day and I don't remember them by the time I get to 9pm and have a free moment to myself. Or, 9pm hits and I have 2 loads of laundry to fold and a husband to talk to and the recognition that morning comes awfully early. Or, I have a book that is due to the library.

And, I have never been my most creative, my most descriptive, my most introspective in the evening. My best writing often happens in the morning.

There is much that I've had to adapt to with marriage and children. With a spouse who often starts work by  7am (when he commutes - rarely these days - leaving by 6:30) and children who wake up early and do not want to be alone, my days are not my own starting at 6:30. Sometimes I get up at 5:45 so that I can fit in some exercise or a shower - and I can do those body-moving things. But my brain takes a little bit to wake up and when I've tried to wake up early to write, I rarely get far before I'm called on to be mom.

As with so many other things, this is but a season of my life. I'm hoping that after tomorrow (the end of the month that I said I'd write frequently) I continue to make and find time to write. Partly because it reminds me later what life is like. Partly because it helps me process what is going on in life. Partly because I sort of like the idea of my words going out into the system and perhaps read by someone somewhere.

I have wondered what it would be like to write a book. To write something that others might read. To have the routine and dedication to come up with and idea and sit and work at it for however long it took to complete it. And then to sit and work it over so that it was clearer and grammatically correct and conveyed my true thoughts. 

Someday, maybe. Or, perhaps I'll continue to periodically journal-blog my thoughts and experiences as they occur.

At least what I read from this blog - going back to it's beginning - is so much less embarrassing than reading my jr high journals.

Deep Thoughts By David, Part 2

I'm not always sure what my kids are picking up about God and faith. We struggle with prayer (both have made it quite clear that bedtime prayer is not helpful for them). We have a hard time being in a worship service - whether in person pre-pandemic, or now on-line. Gabriel will do on-line Sunday School, but doesn't like to be on camera or respond to things. David will be there for songs and then pop in and out.

But, again, he is thinking. His recent deep question goes something like this. "It's so silly. God and Jesus are the same person, but God is Jesus' dad. How does God carry Jesus?"

I have no answer for him other than to say that it is silly and people have been trying to figure that out for lots and lots of years. I love that he is imagining how this relationship could be and that to him a dad carries the son. I love that he starts with that it's silly.

Mostly, I'm amazed at 4-year-old deep thoughts and how they give me deeper insight into relationships. 

Deep Thoughts By David

David, who is 4, has been showing signs of incredibly deep thoughts in the last half year or so. A few months ago he all of a sudden realized that people die (likely nudged into that discovery since both Pablo and I had uncles die in the last year). One day, seemingly out of the blue, David looked at me with seriousness and a little bit of panic and said "I don't want you to die." 

In talking about death we've danced over that line of assurance and not making promises you can't keep. We've talked about that we're healthy. We work to be and stay healthy. We don't have any reason to believe that we will be dying soon. We've also talked a little about the fact that everything dies. That it's part of living. That we are sad, but that at some point it is just time for our bodies to be done. And, we've talked about God being with us all the time - even and especially when and after we die. That we are never alone. That we are with God forever.

David still makes us promise that we we try really hard not to die, even when we're really old. And we say we will try really hard not to die.

This kid is thinking. He's sometimes aware of things going on around him that surprise me. And sometimes he is not at all. We were having an especially hard week and I complained to another mom in at preschool pick up as we walked to our cars. As I got into the car I realized David probably heard every single thing. When we got home I said to him, "David, I am sorry. I was complaining to Spencer's mom about things that feel hard about being a mom. I shouldn't have done that. His quick response, "That's okay. I didn't hear it." And he ran off to play.

Crabby With "No"s

Ufff - I'm feeling crabby.

I was excited to go and play in the snow with my kiddos after school, but they both decided they would rather play inside. I'm sitting here with my snow pants on, waiting for at least one of them to change their minds. Pablo will be home in about 20 minutes - maybe there will be enough light for me to go snowshoe or something. 

I'm also crabby because I was just asked to be on a committee for the church I belong to. I'm crabby about this because I read what they are working on - and it's definitely a committee that's goal is in line with what I think the direction of the church should be. It's something I've worked on in each of the settings I've been in since 2005. It's something that at times I've been passionate about. But, I'm also feeling pretty burnt out and cynical about it. I know it will take a positive attitude and many cheerleaders to make it work and I don't think I have that positive, cheerleading attitude. 

Honestly, I'm burnt out on people and programs. I'm not interested in working on something that is trying to be new, innovative or even back to the basics if it involves trying to drum up support for it or with any form of trying to get others involved in it. I do not want to evangelize - anything - right now.

And, I feel bad saying no. I feel bad because it has been something I've felt strongly about. It has been something I've worked hard for in the past. But, I just don't want to. And I feel a bit like a child. Or maybe I'm just being true to what I need to be and how I need to interact with the church right now. Maybe that's not being like a child at all - but self-aware and clear.  

I'm still feeling crabby about it though.

My Best and Last First Date

Eleven years ago my husband and I had our first date. It was his 38th birthday. We originally met on a dating web site and had met in person the week before at a Mexican restaurant (Jose's Blue Sombrero) in Racine, WI, about ½ way in between our homes. 

For our first date we went ice skating downtown Milwaukee, went to a bar, and helped an older man who fell while trying to get home. While ice skating was dreamy, and hanging out at a bar fun, it's that act of service that sticks in my head. 

The man, perhaps in his 80s, seemed to be trying to wait for a bus or to catch a cab, but the cold wind knocked him over onto the ground. We were across the street and were able to get to him. Pablo was able to call a cab company to come and pick him up. The man seemed a little nervous with us there, so we waited in the car until we saw him get in his cab. 

As we reacted and problem solved, it felt like we were already a team. After just one date we were already being the complement to each other.

Eleven years later, as we celebrate his 49th birthday, we do so with two young kids, in the midst of a pandemic with a snowstorm approaching. Our celebration included Lou Malnati's pizza and Star Wars movie watching. And, it included each other. 

I am thankful for that day eleven years ago that was my best - and last - first date. And, I am thankful for each day, each year, each milestone I get to spend with my kind, smart, funny, handsome husband.

The Never-Ending Parenting of Young Children During a Pandemic

I'm sure there is someone in the world who has felt fewer repercussions of the global pandemic than I have. True, I'm not able to do many things, but for the most part my quality of my and my family's life is just as high as it was before.

And yet, I want to complain. 

Another preface: I love my sweet little children. They are fun and funny, smart and precocious. They keep me on my toes and moving. They regularly express their love for me in cuddles, giggles, demands and words of endearment.

And yet. 

I so want a day or two where I don't have to make food and clean up after them. Where I don't have to make sure they aren't fighting or watching too much tv. Where I can sit down and read for a couple hours or watch something I want to watch in the middle of the day. 

But most of all, I want to have a day where Pablo and I can enjoy time with just one another. To not have to make lists throughout the day to hopefully be able to fill the other in on. To have time to casually meander somewhere - to grab some food (even if it's socially distant) without having to worry about what the kids will eat - to just enjoy each other.

We aren't comfortable with having anyone in our home let alone having someone come and take care of our kids, so it will be a while still. 

And yet...I'm so looking forward to when we can.

The President We Need Now

I am hopeful for what our new administration will bring. I am grateful that there is one layer of fear that has been removed from my daily life. While I have no misconceptions that the evil that stoked and carried out the insurrection on January 6th has been taken care of, at least that evil is not the one in charge of setting the tone, of having the nuclear codes, no longer the one that holds the highest office in our country. 

At the same time that I'm hopeful and relieved, I'm also quite certain that much will be left undone. Some of that due to the sheer enormity of a clean-up job the past occupant of the White House is leaving. Some of that due to where our once-again-baby-boomer president will land on certain issues. 

When the bishop who was part of my first call process left the synod abruptly, in the middle of his 2nd term (it was not an easy reelection), the next bishop who was called was a real, kind, comfortable pastor. He was not a mover and a shaker, regardless of how kind and keen-eyed he was (is). But after some upheaval, that seemed to be called for. The bishop currently in place is not someone I know well, but my sense is that he is willing and able to step into the role that requires both prophetic and pastoral, that brings words of challenge when necessary.

While I was fully behind Elizabeth Warren, and I would have loved Bernie's platform, I feel such relief to have competent people being placed in positions to which they will bring life and vision. In much the same way the "after-bishop" was able to draw good, strong people to work with him, I see Joe Biden as drawing on wonderful people. And, for many of them, I hope this is not the top of their careers. 

I hope President Biden is a 1-term president, not because I hope he doesn't succeed, but because I hope he succeeds amazingly and that part of that success is lifting up new leadership who can carry on guiding the ship that he has already begun to right. I hope that this term leads to a new, progressive, (non-baby-boomer) president. 

A year ago I wouldn't have been where I am not, but I am SO GLAD that President Biden is who was elected. That we are where we are now.

Hope in Images, Oaths, Words

Today was hope filled.

Gabriel and I watched much of the inauguration this morning, including both the Vice President and the President take their oaths of office. The mere presence of many of the people up on that stage made me tear up. That the pledge of allegiance was signed, that a baby was being a noisy baby during the president's oath taking, that Eugene Goodman, one of the heroes from the insurrection on January 6th, was on security for the vice president. The joy and soul the our VPOTUS and POTUS exuded. The well-done speech of President Joe Biden. The first woman, first black, first Indian-American Vice President. All filled me with hope.

But, it was the poet, Amanda Gorman, and her poem "The Hill We Climb" that really keeps hitting me with emotion - of relief - of hope - of resolve.

When day comes we ask ourselves,
where can we find light in this never-ending shade?
The loss we carry,
a sea we must wade
We've braved the belly of the beast
We've learned that quiet isn't always peace
And the norms and notions
of what just is
Isn’t always just-ice
And yet the dawn is ours
before we knew it
Somehow we do it
Somehow we've weathered and witnessed
a nation that isn’t broken
but simply unfinished
We the successors of a country and a time
Where a skinny Black girl
descended from slaves and raised by a single mother
can dream of becoming president
only to find herself reciting for one
And yes we are far from polished
far from pristine
but that doesn’t mean we are
striving to form a union that is perfect
We are striving to forge a union with purpose
To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and
conditions of man
And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us
but what stands before us
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,
we must first put our differences aside
We lay down our arms
so we can reach out our arms
to one another
We seek harm to none and harmony for all
Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:
That even as we grieved, we grew
That even as we hurt, we hoped
That even as we tired, we tried
That we’ll forever be tied together, victorious
Not because we will never again know defeat
but because we will never again sow division
Scripture tells us to envision
that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree
And no one shall make them afraid
If we’re to live up to our own time
Then victory won’t lie in the blade
But in all the bridges we’ve made
That is the promise to glade
The hill we climb
If only we dare
It's because being American is more than a pride we inherit,
it’s the past we step into
and how we repair it
We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation
rather than share it
Would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy
And this effort very nearly succeeded
But while democracy can be periodically delayed
it can never be permanently defeated
In this truth
in this faith we trust
For while we have our eyes on the future
history has its eyes on us
This is the era of just redemption
We feared at its inception
We did not feel prepared to be the heirs
of such a terrifying hour
but within it we found the power
to author a new chapter
To offer hope and laughter to ourselves
So while once we asked,
how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe?
Now we assert
How could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?
We will not march back to what was
but move to what shall be
A country that is bruised but whole,
benevolent but bold,
fierce and free
We will not be turned around
or interrupted by intimidation
because we know our inaction and inertia
will be the inheritance of the next generation
Our blunders become their burdens
But one thing is certain:
If we merge mercy with might,
and might with right,
then love becomes our legacy
and change our children’s birthright
So let us leave behind a country
better than the one we were left with
Every breath from my bronze-pounded chest,
we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one
We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west,
we will rise from the windswept northeast
where our forefathers first realized revolution
We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the midwestern states,
we will rise from the sunbaked south
We will rebuild, reconcile and recover
and every known nook of our nation and
every corner called our country,
our people diverse and beautiful will emerge,
battered and beautiful
When day comes we step out of the shade,
aflame and unafraid
The new dawn blooms as we free it
For there is always light,
if only we’re brave enough to see it
If only we’re brave enough to be it

Inauguration Eve

Four years ago, tomorrow's date of 1/20/2021 seemed so far away. I watched some of the Inauguration of our 45th President and knew that it was not a great day for our country, but I could not have imagined just how much evil could be done.

I don't need to list the atrocities this president has allowed and made happen. Many, likely done to promote himself or his label. Many to benefit himself or his family financially. Some, done because others said it was what his base wanted. Lives torn apart. The poisoning of our earth further hastened. A bitter divide increased. I believe that he will be known as the worst United States President in our history.

And so, it is with no small relief and joy that I get ready for tomorrow. I do not suppose for a second that our 46th President will solve everything or will not at times disappoint or even anger me with some decisions. But, I trust that he will lead with an eye for the entire country. That he has been and will continue to listen to others and will surround himself not with "yes" men and women, but with those who will work with and challenge him to best serve our country.

I am a little nervous about what will happen tomorrow. I worry for safety of those involved in the inauguration. I worry about the reaction that might reverberate throughout our country - in capitols and cities. 

My day tomorrow isn't too different than any other. But, I will raise a glass tomorrow night to our new, moral, team-player of a POTUS.

Bold Heart

Last year I arrived at a "theme word" for the year. It had been something I'd see others do and wondered if I should do it too, but didn't make much of an effort at finding one for myself. But, last year, as I contemplated what I thought would lie ahead for me in 2020, and as I gazed adoringly at my new coffee maker, I came up with the word bold. Bold is one of the settings I can choose on my coffee maker, but it spoke to me in more ways than just good-tasting coffee. And so, I periodically thought about what it meant to be bold throughout the year. 

This year I received a gift (from myself) of a 1-time subscription box geared toward women in ministry. I may do the 1-time box again, because I received some things I wouldn't necessarily get for myself, but that I think will be nice to have. In the cover of the box was a sticker that said, "The magi were guided by a star. Here is your guiding word for 2021: heart."

And so this year I will be focusing on heart. Perhaps with a bit of the residual bold connected to it.

OTC Relief

Over the summer months I noticed that I consistently woke up with a sore throat. It started during my main allergy season, and even though I took Zyrtec each night, it was there most mornings. Into the fall and winter, it continued - sometimes sorer, sometimes not as much, but always there. 

I also started to develop some heartburn and acid reflux more frequently. For the first time I bought something other than Tums - and it certainly helped.

At my yearly doctor's appointment in December, I noted these things to the my provider, and she had me try two different types of over the counter medicines and both of my problems seems to be resolved. The acid reflux fix was a 2-week course of 1 pill/day. The allergy fix is a nasal spray. 

There are so many options out there, and I rarely look beyond what I'm already using. I'm often uneasy about trying something new - between my own allergies and side effects I just prefer to have what I've already tried. Plus, I rarely feel like things are slowing me down.

But, after having these things resolved, I have to say that not having to worry about that sore throat, or to feel discomfort after eating something spicy is such a relief.

Yet Again, Aware of My Privilege

I had the conversation with the Senior Pastor today and it went very well. At one point, prior to actually talking about the specifics of how I was wanting to be involved we were just talking about the state of the world, and he said something along the lines of "You don't want to have to think about what could happen in this next week, but you also have to be prepared." He was, in particular thinking about what happens for the church if internet or banking are challenged, but I shared that I was also mindful of trying to be prepared in case it's not a good idea to leave the house for a little bit.

I truly don't think it will come to that, but it also does cross my mind. Between unrest around our country, and a new, more contagious variant of the Coronavirus, I'm really wondering about if we should make any preparations or changes to how we are currently navigating life.

And again I realize how very privileged I am to be sitting here, very comfortably, able to isolate myself and my family and not worry about how we're going to put food on the table or keep our kids safe.

Transmitted Traits

Gabriel has always been an early riser. And, since he's been able to get out of his own bed, has been a cheerful one. Once he's gotten me up, he will often cheerfully chat with excitement and giggles as I grunt and try to wake up. If I'm reading while he is watching tv or playing a video game, he doesn't notice, and will often talk through whatever it is he's supposedly watching.

It's those times that I feel like I can finally see my mom when I was a kid. The hopping out of bed, the mindless (and sometimes seemingly endless) chatter, the interrupting without thought to what the other was concentrating on - all things that I did as a kid - at least through middle school. And my mom trying - and almost always succeeding to be patient. To answer. To put her finger in her spot on the crossword puzzle she was working on and look up at me as I chattered. 

And, I also see me when I was a kid. An eagerness to get moving with the day - even if it's to go sit and play games (or in my case, read). A curiosity and good-naturedness that sometimes start to wane at night, but almost always pop up fresh again in the morning.

He may look exactly like his dad, but I'm in there too.

It feels a little surprising to me that these personality traits are such a mirror to how I believe I was as a kid. My dad is similar - although I'm not sure that I realized I was like him in that way when I was younger. And, I certainly do not hop out of bed with energy now (although I hope that some eagerness, curiosity and good-naturedness do show up now and again). 

And, I won't despair if he loses some of that eagerness for a bit - I know I could be a moody teenager and too cool for my family. But, I hope that even if that is the case with Gabriel, each morning still brings curiosity and a fresh start.

No More Rev

On Tuesday I got a call that didn't surprise me, but that I wasn't really expecting. Our church's associate pastor took a new call and the senior pastor was asking if I could fill in on an interim basis. At my request he named a few of the tasks that he was hoping someone would be able to fill - which if he had asked me 10 years ago I would have jumped at: preaching periodically, confirmation and Sunday School. If I were in a call I would have wanted to have other responsibilities, but to just fill in with those duties would have been fun. 

After talking with Pablo, I came to the realization that while I am immediately concerned about the amount of time these things would require, it's mostly about the fact that I'm intentionally stepping out of the identity of pastor. It's a weird and emotional thing to be letting go of the title of Pastor and the Reverend. And, I'm in the middle of that work right now. I'm preparing to, at the end of August, send a letter to my alma maters to ask them to change my title from Rev to Ms. I already am not wanting to claim any authority regarding worship or faith - although don't get me started on justice issues. 

When talking with my dear friend, Melinda, the other day, I named that presiding at sacraments (baptism and communion) are things that I miss dearly. But beyond that (and the celebration of what I have been able to do as pastor for 15 (really more like 11) years), I am not mourning the responsibilities of being a pastor. 

But those are no small thing. 

I've left a message saying I'd like to talk about the details, but I'm ultimately going to say that I will help with Sunday School as a parent. If he prefers to have someone do all three of those as a pastor, that is fine. I just am clear that I do not want to be in a position as pastor or "the Rev" anymore.

Anti-Racist Communities, continued

I received a quick response from my kid's principal today, saying she wanted me to know she got my e-mail, and was taking some time to process it and talk with our district's curriculum coordinator (who I mentioned I had previously talked with). It took me 2 months to get an e-mail off to her and I appreciate that she's not just choosing to brush this off.

Before I got that response, I finally finished the letter to our town's Human Relations Commission that is looking at diversity and affordable housing in our community. They held conversation groups last November, but I wasn't able to make any of them. After some stalling, I started a letter on December 28th, and here we are January 13th and I finally sent it off. I raised both huge issues and little ones - not many in between. 

I have been frustrated by the ways our community collects responses. There was a 2030 plan our town put together and apparently in 2019 they had feedback sessions, but I was not aware of them. I have read every newsletter and follow the facebook pages I know of. Maybe I missed it, but it does feel like it's a symptom of suburbia - those who are in the know are a small group - and the rest of us just go along with it. Only, I've been trying to get in and I'm really not sure how to do that.

Anyway, my letter to the Human Relations Commission listed that I believe all employees, trustees and board members should go through anti-racism training and that, since we have a history of documented racist policies, we need a strong statement acknowledging our racist past and resolving to move into anti-racist policies. And then I named ways in which our community hasn't always provided opportunities for families with young kids well and ways in which we could better celebrate diverse cultures. 

If my previous correspondences with my town are any indication, I don't anticipate getting a response. But, I'm going to keep paying attention.

Anti-Racist Communities

Back in June/July I wrote to the school board and then, in response, had a conversation with our school district's curriculum director regarding anti-racism curriculum and hiring practices. At that time, I put a note for myself in my calendar to contact my son's principal in October to follow up. It is of note that this was before we had actually begun at the school, and that way back in June/July, I had some assumption that we wouldn't have as many concerns about COVID as we did. I'm not sure why, but I was thinking we'd be in a pattern and October would be a time when all of the extra start up energy began to not be needed. But, of course, that is when the push began to get kids back into schools and I know that our administrator's energy was already being stretched.

So, I kept putting it off, and kept putting it off. Today, a bit on a whim, but also because I'd learned about new IL legislation that requires training in culturally responsive teaching, I finally wrote. I feel a little timid because I don't actually know what is being done around anti-racism in our area and I am not an expert. But, I do want to make sure that 1) this community is safe for my kids - and all other children regardless of their color and 2) I want my kids to have a non-white-centered education...meaning a much broader, more robust education that I did not get. 

I'd love if there was a group that I could join that was doing this kind of work already - whether in my school district or in others. I wish I knew how to best help our community and leaders grow to being anti-racist. I know it's personal work, but I feel like I'm fumbling at trying to raise it as an issue to work on in our community. All of a sudden I'm not a leader at anything, but this is something that I feel so strongly about and I believe needs to be a constant focus.

Piano!

 We got a piano today! For free - apart from the cost of piano movers and tuning. 

I have wanted a piano for a long time. I used to crave playing and would go into whichever church I was serving to play. I haven't had that urge as much in the past few years, but I am very excited to play - perhaps even to practice. I have even wondered if the class I will begin next fall will be piano lessons.

On Display

For Christmas I got Pablo and 3-month subscription to an at-home mystery-solving game. It's essentially an escape room at home. We conquered the first month's challenge last night (in our pjs on our bed) and it was a lot of fun. It was maybe a little more focused and orderly than other escape rooms. In those rooms I'm always trying to remember every single little detail, thinking it might be important, and I get bogged down in the details. This one was also a lot of word-games - something I have more than my fair share of experience in.

I told Pablo I was much more relaxed than usual and I do think I feel pressure when I know someone is watching - even if they are watching so they can give us a hint.

That is perhaps an okay segue to the realization I've had recently that I have felt so much less in the public eye since leaving pastoral life 6 months ago. I'm glad to have some anonymity, although my last role really wasn't all that involved. I'm not needing to figure in decisions I make based on what they might communicate to the community I work for. 

On the flip side, I am feeling a little lost in realizing that without a particular role there is not much that people will look to me to do. So much of what I've done in life has happened because someone knew me and thought of me for something. A lot has fallen in my lap - and with that comes both the ease and excitement of moving into something new, as well as the responsibility of managing that public life.

Like I said, I'm grateful that I can not be a public person right now. But, I'm also aware that there is a part of me that will always be seeking to better the neighborhood, city, state, country - place in which I live. And that when all is said and done, my skills will likely lead me to a more public role again in the future.

Plodding to Nowhere

Since Octoberish I have been walking twice a week with a neighbor friend. We meet at 6:15 or 6:30 and walk for about ½ an hour, so both of us arrive home with enough time for our spouses to get to work. This week, she has been out of town - and when she returns we will keep some distance for a little bit, so I'm trying to plod away on the treadmill in the basement.

On Monday, I got a decent sweaty walk in - although I had to hop on and off every so often because the kids needed something. On Wednesday, David was mostly interested in causing trouble, so I got some steps in, but it was not the workout I wanted. Today, I got up early - and though I got up at my regular walking time, it took me longer to get going. I had to end at 7 so Pablo could work, but I did get my heart going for 20 minutes at least.

This used to be the main exercise I got. It's why I had a pop-up gym membership - to walk/run on the treadmill. I'd watch tv and be able to zone out for half an hour. Now, I'm either jumping off to respond to kids or half asleep. Still, it's better than nothing. Maybe I'll be able to get out during daylight hours this weekend at sometime.

Picture taken in response to my sister's gorgeous cross country skiing pictures.

Consequential

My brain is mush. My motivation is pretty low too. I'd like to go hide in a cabin somewhere for a few days - just by myself...but with wifi to watch all the Netflix I want. And, I'll eat all the foods that I crave. Of course, then I'll get a stomach ache and feel uncomfortable because I'm no longer 25 and everything I put into my body seems to have a repercussion.

Tonight we could overhear the boys talking in the play room while we sat talking at the kitchen table. David asked Gabriel, "What is a punishment?" And Gabriel said "It's when you do something bad and then you get something taken away. It's a, it's a...consequence." 

I've been using the word consequence a lot with both kids. And I could tell Gabriel was working hard to remember it - but he did. I've tried to parent with natural consequences - meaning that whatever punishment happens is directly related to what was done wrong. It doesn't always work, but it's pretty easy when it's something like mistreating property. Less obvious when it's simply not listening to parental directions (although, sometimes there too it's obvious...you didn't get your shoes on by yourself when I asked you to, now I will do it for you. You didn't come when I asked, you missed out on the surprise or treat.)

Today's news is full of consequences. Consequences of this current administration's false claims of fraud and stoking of conspiracy, consequences of social media posts that show people committing sedition (and jobs lost), and consequences of the white supremacy upon which our country is built. What we do matters. What we say matters. Who we allow to make decisions matters. 

In many cases, it feels like so many haven't had to bear the consequences of their actions. I saw it noted that lawmakers now know what it's like to cower under desks, as so many school children have done when gunmen have terrorized schools. I'm sure that many in power, including our current president, rarely have to bear the consequences of their decisions and actions - but others do.

I won't be eating all the junk food I want. My kids are still going to have a toy taken away if they throw it at someone. And I'll be watching to see what consequences bear out from all the terror inflicted yesterday.

January 6, 2020

Today started with the wonderful news that the Senate elections, which I wrote postcards for, seemed to be going in my favor. (In my humble opinion, in the favor of the country, really). Rev. Warnock was declared the winner of his race, and Jon Ossoff was expected to win, which he did later this afternoon.

And then a not-entirely unexpected thing happened. Trump supporters descended upon Washington D.C. Not just to protest but to cause insurrection. While I disagree with their opinion, I fully support their right to protest - but not to storm Congress and interrupt the ratification of the vote for POTUS.

It seemed as if they were practically allowed to enter. It seemed as if those guarding the Capital were woefully unprepared and staffed. I wonder what we will learn in the coming days and weeks - but right now a lot still seems murky.

Yesterday I complained about 4-year-old behavior - and perhaps I should start to refer to him as a little insurrectionist. Because when he doesn't get his way, or we say something he doesn't like, he screams and throws things. Even his own things. And that is what it seems like the current President is doing.

A Rough Day

Uff - today was a rough one. 

While many are having long weeks (already - it's only Tuesday!) because it's the first week back to school (and for some, work) after winter break, that wasn't really our story today. Perhaps it was a contributing factor, but neither of the people who actually had work to do (the work-from-home adult and the remote-learning kindergartener) were what made today especially tough. It was the preschooler, who is likely fighting the structure, and having a lot of feelings about having returned to preschool yesterday for the first time since Halloween.

Because of his dad's and brother's online work, we are needing to be more structured than we have been the last two weeks. And, a temper tantrum cannot happen near their work spaces - it's just too loud. 

So, he and I spent a lot of time working out his emotions in his room today. A number of toys got taken away until tomorrow...and then some until the next day when the brothers orchestrated a jail break for them (and succeeded). Tv is taken away until tomorrow afternoon for both of them as well.

I wondered today if I needed to make a chart to log when each toy and privilege would be returned. At this point I'm keeping track of it, but it wouldn't take too many more to flummox me.

Tonight, as he was falling asleep, David said "It's okay to yell if someone takes your toys, right?" And, I responded that no, that wasn't okay. I said it was okay to yell if you needed to warn someone they were going to get hurt - or if you were trying to get their attention outside. His brain is working - so hard. He's trying to sort out how to deal with these big emotions, and is worried that he's going out to school when no one else is leaving the house. If he has to wear a mask he figures it's not safe.

And frankly, I want to yell if someone takes something from me too.

Chicken Pox Antibodies

During my pregnancy with my first kid, blood tests (the titer test) showed that I did not have the antibodies for the chicken pox virus. It was not a vaccine one should get when pregnant, and I wanted to wait to get it until my first had gotten his vaccine, so shortly after he turned 1 I got my first of 2 vaccines to inoculate me from chicken pox.

The thing is, I had chicken pox as a kid - twice. Neither time was very strong. And I don't really remember having it, although I do remember each of my siblings having it. 

I think about this as I think about antibodies and vaccines and how there will always be some exceptions to the rules. Why do some people carry the coronavirus but not show symptoms? Why have there been a few (rare) cases of people getting COVID-19 twice within a short time people? There are likely some answers out there, but there is so much unknown. 

When I learned I didn't have the antibodies for chicken pox I asked my doctor and the person who gave me the vaccine how it could be that I needed to get it. Neither seemed to have a clear answer, but they also didn't seem surprised. Chicken pox has been a known entity for a long time and there is still mystery to it.

I should mention that none of my writing or speculation is backed up my any science. It's simply me pondering and trying to make sense. 

Get Out of the House

What have you done to get out of the house? Today we got to go to a kid's play place/gym that is offering 2 hours of play for a family unit by themselves. It is definitely worth the $30 we pay to go and play with basketball, soccer, make our own obstacle courses, and play with their imaginative play toys. 

My guys playing with the foam bricks and boards.

The owner is also a father to 3 young kids and he asked at one point what we did to get out of the house. Everything we do that gets us out of the house is either outdoors or in our car. Part of the amazingness of this place is that we feel absolutely safe for these 2 hours to let our kids play and explore inside someplace that is not our home.

We do make an effort to get out of the house. In my head I'm trying to do it every day, but it doesn't always happen. I am thankful for the snow that has arrived these last few days - even the dusting that came overnight. That snow makes going outside just a little more exciting.

Clearing the Way

We had our 2nd shovelable snow of the season last night. It wasn't much, but by the time I'd gotten out to remove the snow it was ice underneath and snow on top. I like shoveling - I like using my body to move things and have it be something that needs to be done. I like being out in the cold and keeping myself warm with movement. 

Today I could have scraped the snow off the top and just let the ice melt itself off eventually. But, I started to get underneath it, and as time went on, with the top layer off, the second layer became easier to remove. **Warning - gross imagery ahead** It was a little like waiting for a scab to come off - for a while it's too attached, but then, one day you can peel it off because the skin beneath has healed enough. Removing the ice today was that kind of satisfying.

I have been feeling a little aimless on and off these last few months. Most of the time keeping up with the kids and feeding, cleaning, monitoring them and our home has had enough tasks. And, they are certainly important tasks, but I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. I have just enough space to want to do something, but not really enough to feel like I could dedicate enough time - or even an idea of what I might want to do or accomplish. 

Perhaps this month's dedication to writing will serve a purpose - not only of putting my thoughts down, but also figuring me - as I am now and how I want to be - out.

2021 New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year!

Last year, a friend shared that she was doing monthly New Year's Resolutions and was asking for more ideas. I followed suite, and did okay at attempting or completing my resolutions, though not always in the correct month. I still have not attempted to make a pie crust, however.

In 2021 I resolve to:

Read 1 book/week for the year. I had this resolution last year, and if you count children's chapter books I made it. But, I don't really want to count Captain Underpants books...so without children's chapter books I'm logging in at 48. I have 3 half-way read books that I will add to 2021's list when I finish.

January: Write 5 days a week. I had a similar resolution two months last year. In June, I wrote more than usual, but less than my goal. By November I wasn't looking at my monthly resolutions, so I completely forgot it.

February: Log my food intake 6 days a week. I do pretty well at eating judiciously from April until October. Then birthdays and holidays get me all mixed up. I'm not as interested in counting calories as being mindful of how many cookies and chips I eat in a day.

March: Make picture books for David's 1st and 2nd years of life. Classic first child/second child situation here. Gabriel's baby books were not only created and printed, but sent to relatives as well. David does actually have pictures taken of him (thank you, iPhone), but I want to have something for him to page through.

April: Go through boxes of books and papers in the basement. This could be a monthly thing. But, I'll just focus on one month.

May: Write to 20 friends/family. I had a similar resolution for February of last year. It made me really happy. Hopefully it brightened other people's days too.

June: Read a new genre to me. Last year, when this monthly resolution came around, I had already been reading a lot more about black history and politics. It wasn't exactly a new genre so much as going deeper. This year, I will look for something that is a history or international politics or topic-to-learn book.

July: One-on-one time with each family member. Really, this should be every month. And, I do try. But, it helps to have it be a resolution at at time when there's less going on in our lives.

August: Look into and book a class for me. Cooking? Spanish? Coding? I don't know what I'll do, but I'd like to do something.

September: ? I'm still thinking here.

October: Write something each day. A personal e-mail to someone, an inquiry about a local problem, blog, letters or cards, private journal, or...

November: Order Christmas cards. Completed this resolution in 2020 as well. Made me feel incredibly ahead of schedule.

December: Finish up 2021 and plan 2022 New Year's Resolutions.

I look forward to seeing how I do, and figuring out September.