Just a Few Minutes

I have just a few minutes to be home today. And, while I don't have anything that I really want to do while I'm here at home (although my dishes are calling to me), and lots to do at work...I don't want to go back until I have to.

This morning was a hard one, for no real reason. But, after just a few minutes with some smart colleagues, the day became better. I just needed to get out of my self-pity party (that really has no reason other than hormones) and into doing what I really do love.

I was about to leave the office at 3 today, but was running just a few minutes late. Good thing I was, because my 3:15 appointment that I was reminded about yesterday, showed up 5 minutes early. I'm working with a boy scout as he earns his faith badge or something. (Isn't there something a little wrong about earning a badge for faith?) It was a fun teaching hour - that I hadn't prepared for at all, but with just a few minutes of looking over the material, I was ready.

In college, my friend Kate and I made a list of things you could do in a 20 minute window. We realized that almost everything of any importance could happen in 20 minutes. I don't need that list now to fill my time (not that I did when I was in college, it was just a random conversation that I'm so good at having), but I do sometimes stand in the middle of a room with just a few minutes in which to fill. I think I should add to that list "stare into space and daydream."

No vacation for the mind

I'm on vacation in times past.

Visiting my brother in CA, at his volunteer house brings me back to my volunteer year - at least at the beginning of it before we stopped trying. (It was hard w/ only two - and neither of us came at this thing naturally, so we composted, we recycled, we didn't buy things with lots of packaging, but we didn't really challenge each other about other habits).

My mind has been racing in the last few days because it feels like certain decisions have to be made. Intentionality of work, of carrying out vision, of living in the world. Between talking at a fundraising dinner for my seminary, continuing ed at a clergy event for faith-based community organizing, and coming to crash and be hosted by my brother's volunteer house makes me realize habits I've fallen into, and how I'm juggling different world realities and visions. I wonder how they can be managed together - and the contradictions of living in these different worlds.

But, I'm on vacation. My mind may not stop racing, but I can at least allow myself to be distracted by the sights of San Francisco.

Suffering Sermons

(The title should be said in the manner of the Warner Brothers cartoon character lisping "suffering sucatash")

I preached my last sermon (knock on wood) until Mother's Day. That's right. I've got next Sunday off and the 7th is Youth Sunday in which one of the youth is going to preach. (I feel semi-nervous about that because I've tried to set up appointments to meet with me so I can help him - taking my call to Word and Sacrament seriously - and I'm leaving town on Tuesday. I have already mentioned to the youth director that next year it will be the expectation that the preaching youth speak with me as they prepare the sermon).

Anyway - I've got 21 days until I preach again - it's amazing!

In some of my recent ponderings I've been so very amazed at the power I've been given. How many other people are given the opportunity to present ideas to a captive (ok, maybe only semi-captive) audience weekly? How many other people get to guide people as they think about their lives? It's an amazing privilege. And, an intimidating responsibility.

A responsibility that I'm glad to be free of for a short time, but that I'm sure I'll be glad to pick up again. I need a break. My sermons have been suffering for a lack of a break - for a lack of hearing others preach.

Rest, mind, rest.

Me

I feel a little like I'm gonna burst, but I'm not sure with what.

I'm exhausted.

I love Holy Week. I love Easter. I really do love my job (why am I always surprised by that?).

Funeral tonight - I'm really just the collar. Didn't need anything else. Really didn't need to be there except that it's only proper to have a pastor there.
Sobs for the 77 yr old woman who suffered from Alzheimers for the last 5 years. All I knew of her was these last 9 months - not good ones for her - where she couldn't even lift her head on her own.

I have so much fun with the funeral home guys. Is that wrong? Almost all of them have new babies or their wives are pregnant. I wonder if being involved in the business of death makes you feel the need to repopulate.

I'm exhausted.

Drinking last of a bottle of wine (gotta finish it up) and finishing off the last of my girl scout cookies. (Why does it turn into a gorge-fest every time I open up those boxes?)

Got an e-mail today from a parishioner detailing his Lenten experience. Amazingly, the services to him weren't all about the tasks and the details - he actually got the theology behind everything. My eyes water every time I think of that e-mail. (He even quoted the main point of my Easter sermon!)

Spiritual direction today helped me to spurt out everything that I've been experiencing. It felt so safe. And, helped me realize that God is within it all.

My plane takes off for California (and my brother) in one week and 10 hours.

Am I going to make it? I feel like I'm going to burst.

Tomorrow - with the only must do the committal. Feels good.

Sleep, will come tonight - it must...and if it doesn't come early I can sleep in.

I love my people - my congregation. The interactions, the energy, the care they give one another and me. I wouldn't get rid of one of them (at this time...even my alligator is turning out to be more of a flea than an alligator). And so many are in pain. So many are dealing with things so much bigger than what I'm personally dealing with. And they come to me. They share with me. They look for me to help them see how God is involved. And, I love them. And I cry when I think about it.

This is me. These are my thoughts at the moment. In a couple of minutes I'm going to completely turn off and become one with one of those detective shows on tv. I don't know which one - whichever one is on and gets good reception.

Free to Worship

After Thursday evening and Friday evening services, after an entire day at church with an amazing work crew (cleaning and decorating for tomorrow) - I got my worshipful experience.

I got to be one of two "storytellers" in a friend's Easter Vigil - and I got out of it way more than I put in it.

After thinking about it for a little while, I realized, even though I was up front and involved in most parts of the service - I had very little responsibility. It was so nice just to sink into the role.

No one asking any last minute questions. No concern about what to do if so-and-so (who always comes late) was going to show up in time to fulfill his/her duty. No annoying "Pastor, Pastor, Pastor" from people who just don't understand that three minutes prior to worship is not a good time to ask questions or get into a deep dicussion.

I felt so free. Free to worship. Free from worry and from expectations.
Thanks, Sue.

Death and Taxes....New Life and Tax Accountants?

What cruel machinations
allow the most holy of holy days,
the celebration of the Risen One!
the vigil of Easter
(and the day we clean and decorate the church)
to coincide with the day of stress and scramble
that is TAX DAY?

(And why did it have to happen this first year that I'm figuring out Estimated Tax and the perks of the biz)

My aura is BLUE

Confidential to Belle: Got this from your site - As I took it I had this unreasonable fear that I was going to come out as red or something. Tehe.

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What Color Is Your Aura?

Darn right, I'm changin'

"Don't ever change." Words that make me cringe. Words that I heard twice this week from people with whom I'd just challenged or disagreed with, but who said them out of respect.

I'm relatively happy with who I am. I don't anticipate any major upheaval or need for a complete makeover. Sure, I've got things about myself that bug me. I'd love to be able to have a clear head at all times (I think it's been foggy more frequently than clear in the last month). I'd love to be 5'8" and never have to worry about fly-aways. But, I'm fairly happy with who I am (and often enjoy being shorter). I can laugh at my semi-ditziness, I can pull my hair back when it bugs me. I feel good about who I am.

But, I don't want to stay the same.

What is behind these individual's saying this? Is it that they think they have me figured out? Isn't it more that they don't want their perceptions of me to change? If I showed them a different side of me (say, the whiny, needy side) would they think I have changed?

Do they expect to change? Why would they wish stagnancy on me? Why would they want my growth in faith, love, maturity, person to stop?

I know, I know. They're paying me a compliment. They are telling me that they appreciate who I am. But, a key part of who I am is the self-awareness and desire to evaluate and change. I know, they don't know me very well. And that's ok. But, I swear...I'm preaching a sermon on this someday.

Gestation

I'm about a week overdue for my 9 month reflection (and 3 months and a week late for my 6 month). I've got birthing on the brain - a good friend just had a baby and I'm greatly enjoying the pictures I get fairly frequently, the annunciation of Mary was Saturday ('cause Jesus' gestation was exactly 9 months...and he was, of course, born on December 25th). When people have asked me how long I've been at my call I respond 9 months and every time I think about pregnancy.

These last couple months, my work has begun to show. Well, I'm not sure that it's my work necessarily, but the work that is being done while I'm there. I think I do have something to do with it - I'm sticking it out. Because of me we have moved forward in some areas. I'm working to make connections and form relationships. And, worship attendance is up. People are responding to the call to be involved in particular areas of my congregation's ministry. Conflict is present, but doesn't overwhelm everything. At this point, it feels like those first few months of sickness was worth it (more evening sickness than morning, because of all the meetings) (August and September, my 3rd and 4th months were really difficult).

I don't have an analogy for labor and childbirth itself...I don't begin to think that what I do is anywhere near as amazing and physically painful.

And, right about there, my analogy ends. At least for now...'cause I've got other things to do. Any other ways to connect pregnancy with pastoral ministry?

About Face

As of 5pm this evening I had 3/4ths maybe almost 7/8ths of a sermon. I took a break, did the crossword puzzle, and was struck with inspiration. Unfortunately, it was a completely different direction.

So, at about 6pm, I started my second sermon for tomorrow. It's now 9pm, and although I spent 1/2 as much time on this one, it is by far a better sermon.

I need some time between the writing and the editing - so it'll be a rush tomorrow morning to edit. But, I feel so much better about what I have now versus what I had before. I don't want to do it this way every week though.

Now, it's time for some much needed rest.

Urgent Care

*A grand voice booms from above*
It's officially spring and you, Amused, have made it through the entire winter without so much as a cold. Congratulations. Your prize is right behind that door right there.
*I respond*
The one right there that is shaped like a nose?
*Booming voice*
Yes, why don't you open it up and see what you've won!
(As I slowly open the door the voice gets even grander)
A brand new Sinus Infection!

I just found my new favorite short cut - Urgent Care. I spent 20 minutes waiting to make a doctor's appointment on the phone this morning before I had to leave. I spent just 30 minutes at the urgent care place - registered, seen by nurse, seen by doctor, prescriptions, outta there. The doctor even apologized because she saw a person who came in after me before me.

I'm not complaining about my own doctor's office. They are very nice there - and I know Monday mornings are the busiest (at least they were at the pharmacy I worked at in high school). But I was amazed at the ease and the amount of good care I received just by walking in.

And now I've got my antibiotics and my funky nose spray (I'm not so sure about that). And, according to my doctor I won't be contagious tomorrow (too bad for the suckers in the council meeting tonight - most of them are young...they'll live).

Last year if I had the same symptoms, I would just stick it out and have my body fight it off by itself. But, now I feel like I need to not pass anything on. It was especially noticeable when I made sure I didn't touch the man going through chemotherapy and some of the older members. I washed my hands thoroughly before communion (after sharing the peace) and was very conscious of whether I coughed or sneezed the entire day.

I'm glad I'm medicated now - because I have two people I need to visit in the hospital tomorrow as well as all the ladies at the Senior Center tomorrow. I don't want the care I give to cause another to have to go to Urgent Care themselves.

Against the Odds on War

When the current war broke out I was prepared. I had been part of a group in seminary that had planned a worship service and made it be known that we would hold a worship service on the eve of a US attack. Our group was not only a bunch of idealistic seminary students, staff and faculty, but also included people studying to be chaplains and people who had been in the service. (Although our quota of "make love, not war" demonstrators was easily fulfilled...over and over again).

There were a couple of us who had been pegged for worship leadership - depending on when it happened, and I just happened to be the one who was able to do it. Our make-shift chapel was full - full of many for whom it was an ethical issue, and many for whom it was a personal fear for loved ones.

Today's paper contains articles about people in towns that have previously supported the war now putting forth referendums to call for a pull out. I waiver back and forth between feeling that there are some instances where war is necessary (just war and all that jazz) and feeling like there never should be war. But, I protested in the streets of Chicago against this war. I signed petitions against the war and wrote letters (ok, maybe a letter - I've never been very good at writing letters anyway). But, this is where I become more moderate and dare I say it even conservative? I don't think we should have gone in there in the first place, but now that we're there (at least not the way we did) ...now that we've violently and without remorse put our agenda in motion...now that we've disrupted lives - don't we have some responsibility?

I think it would be even worse if we were to just leave - to say "Our people back home don't support this, we're going back." Even if there is the inevitability of civil war prior to or once we leave, I think we need to be extremely intentional about our pull out - and I don't think that can happen with deadlines.

I read something in Time magazine yesterday about a veteran running for a political position with the Democratic party. His suggestion is for every Iraqi (military section...what is that called...battalion? I don't know...I'm clueless) that is ready, a US one leaves. He says that Bush claims there are 50 Iraqi troop groups (okay, I can use that phrase) ready and that if they were truly ready we would be able to pull out 50 US troop groups. I like that. It both exposes political spin and is a legitimate way to work towards pulling out that doesn't just leave people blowing in the wind or under (as much) threat of the next renegade group that wants power.

So, I'm not completely uneducated about this, but neither am I polished in knowing what should happen. I have just found that my views seem to always be at some odds with the public cry. When we went to war, I cried against it - and I was not alone...in fact, I was well surrounded by others who strongly believed the same. But, there were some relationships that were a bit strained.

Now that many more are calling for a pull out, I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just not seeing the whole picture, or maybe I'm claiming too much responsibility, or maybe I just like to be contrary. I don't know - but I'm thinking about it.

Today's Moments of Grace

Surprises all over today.

* I woke up rested, not groggy.
* Even though it was a very full day, nothing frazzled me today.
* Over 15 kids came up for the children's sermon.
* We were two crumbs short of running out of communion bread.
* The 16 year old soloist during the offering.
* The 7 inquisitive kids (8 and 10 year olds) who came to communion class...I love teaching that age!
* The full adult Bible Study that took off - how do we define suffering? And, depending on how we define it, is it what we are called to?
* The extremely quick Outreach meeting.
* The other soccer players (kids and adults) chanting "Pastor. Pastor. Pastor!" to get me out to play and then again when I made a goal. (I would only play with the older players...with my luck and clumsiness I'd clock one of the little kids and they'd forever be saying "When Pastor kicked me or knocked me down..."

But the best one: the ladies at coffee hour put aside cookies and cake for me because they know I never make it there before the end...and they tasted good!

Astrology and Phone calls

"Don't sit there wasting all the wonderful things available to you - put the melancholy attitude to rest. Motivation is all it will take to make your life better." Well, shoot- I didn't know my life was all that bad. According to my horoscope for the year, I've got to buck up and deal. The other part - the one for all other Pisceans is even a little worse: "You may be fooling yourself but you aren't fooling anyone else." As I've stated before, I don't believe in horoscopes, but I do like to read them. Usually they're fun. Today, not so much.

I think this has been my quietest birthday, and that has been nice. I'll be having a party on Friday, which will really be when I celebrate, but today was nice. I got home after a nice evening of dinner and drinks with friends and friends of friends to a random selection of phone calls. A coupla "happy birthday songs" (thanks, Belle - we'll talk soon), a parishioner who I spent some time with today who went home and read in his church newsletter (that arrived today) that it was my birthday (the biggest joy for me out of this is that it means at least someone reads the newsletter!), my sis, and a woman who for the life of me I can't figure out who she is. She called me by my first name and said that she was calling to set up a meeting over a meal with me and that she would try me at church tomorrow. I can't figure it out...and that is fun for me.

I think it's the mystery that I like - the not quite getting what this horoscope is supposed to mean in my life, and the mystery of someone that I don't know. I love to feel curious.

Stomping my foot and pouting

I just don't want to - it's Sunday morning, I'm ready to head over to church for the morning. It'll be a lovely service - some good hymns, a children's sermon that might actually fly, a healing service. It's not the service I don't want to do - it's the sermon. It's written...it's probably pretty decent...I'm not sure - I've only read it through once. I just don't want to practice it. I'm bored by it. Where's the good news for me? I've been studying and thinking and everything I come up with are my own rationalizations. I want something inspiring for me this Sunday morning. I want to be fed...and not by my own words. And, not by something I've read...but something that someone tells me.

This sermon I'm supposed to preach matters - there are people who want to hear it, there might even be some who need to hear it. I know it's not all about me and my intelligence...thank God for that! But, at the same time, if I don't stop this little tantrum and read through it, God can't use my words and my gifts.

So, tantrum over. Fine *slumps in her chair and takes a deep breath* I'll go practice my sermon and then go to church. But, I don't wanna.

Ashed Together

Coming home with ashes on my forehead I had a sad realization: in my year of so many "firsts" I don't really get to share them with anybody. Sure, I call of different people here and there, but there is no one at home for me to just come home and say "hah - well, I learned what to do next year" or "that just felt so good."

I don't say this to have people feel sorry for me or to elicit any response, but just to share it. My friends and parents hear a lot of what happens. But, it takes that phone call. Meckhead, it's not quite like the wilderness you experienced that you'll be writing about, but the isolation is perhaps somewhat similar.

For now, since this is one way to relieve some isolation, I'm going to share in the blogosphere: my first Ash Wednesday as a solo pastor was very moving. I didn't have any other worship assistants prior to this evening, but people stepped up. Marking ash crosses on people between the age of 1 and 89 was amazing. Recognizing that those on the ends are closest to the dust of which we speak - as God's good creation and as the promise of the return of the earthly body to the earth. I was struck by the people who came from the soup kitchen - and the grace to look into their eyes as I marked their foreheads and handed them the body. How meaningful to touch each of these (58...we ran out of bulletins!) children of God, my hand on their heads, my thumb to their foreheads. The beauty of the church at night, and the gorgeous prelude the organist played.

But then, there's the person who runs hot/cold. There are periods of time where this person is supportive and complimentary. But then there are periods, like this last week 1/2, where the person is critical and accusatory. It's challenging to respond with consistency, but I try. I think I succeeded tonight and some of the discontent was allayed.

And then there is the "huh - I don't like it, but I'm not going to change it" parts - like the fact that the seniors have an "Ash Tuesday" (after which I removed the ashes from my forehead) and that they would like communion during every Tuesday Lenten service - but to still have each service be 1/2 an hour (minus the time it takes to get situation...I should really plan on 25). But, just because I don't want to do it doesn't mean I shouldn't. It's less work to do what they expect right now. Next year, after building it up a bit, we'll possibly change it.

So, those are my thoughts this night.

Integrity's Downfall

I'm pretty good at faking it 'til I make it. When I took piano lessons as a youth I never practiced - I sight read at my lessons. (How much better I would have been had I practiced!) Sometimes my piano teacher caught on, but other times I was able to fool her. This ability is partly why I've survived (and dare I say - succeeded?) this year.

Integrity is important to me. I want to be true to myself and others. I want to be fully who I am - in fact that is why I sometimes think I'm not so good at telling stories. I second guess my facts out loud as I go: "I flew into Minneapolis on Sunday...or maybe it was Monday...and as I went through the metal detectors the alarm went off - because of my shoes - is it the toe or the heel? And the customs agent - or what is their title? - well, the guy there - just waved me through."

So - that's made up (I must say so that no one thinks otherwise). But, it's like I have my own conversation with myself as I go. There is something in me that says "You must get the facts straight!"

(That brings me to an aside - as an Resident Assistant (RA) in college, the staff of my dorm took the Myers-Briggs personality indicator (or whatever the correct name is) and a favorite quote of that year came as I noticed one of my colleague's results were incredibly high in each of her areas and I exclaimed "You are so much what you are!" I want to be so much what I am, I guess - whatever that is.)

So, bring that in to last night. I was invited to a "woman's dinner and conversation" by an ecumenical colleague of mine. Many, but not all, of the other women there are in some form of chaplaincy ministry. There were also others who had other passions and roles in life - but ministry talk invades a room if each person is not diligent in keeping it out. I was the youngest by far, and while I was warmly welcomed and included, I felt disconnected.

I believe there was some intentional space creating last night - so as to lead to an elevated experience. A celebration of women. A time to share in the wonder of being strong and female. And it felt FALSE.

Oh, I was able to fake it for some of the time, but I started hating myself for letting go of my integrity of sharing emotion. It would have been just plain rude if I had shared what I was thinking...but I didn't have to play along as much as I did - I could have kept silent more than I did.

When we were to go around the table sharing "how we came" I did so. When we were to go around (again) sharing what we were taking with us, I did so. I shared stories - stories that were not completely true. I even jumped in on the eye-roll worthy poem the host had us create together (and - I love poetry...so it wasn't that it was poetry - just the theme that was eye-roll worthy). I was able to play the game of that night (participating in the false atmosphere). But, I don't feel good about it.

I did have a lovely time talking to some of those women and finding out about them. I would very much enjoy further conversation with them. But, I would need to find some way of standing with my integrity of what I feel the power of women is versus what we were celebrating as the power of women. It's a generational thing, I know. I would bet that some of the other women were profoundly moved last night.

I just wished I had been more myself - rather than faking it.

Mixing it up

So far, in my 8 months on the job, I have only twice received non-emergency type phone calls at home. I take that back, I have received a couple phone calls from people I asked to call to let me know that they received my message (ie. like the person who picked up the sub sandwiches for last week's council retreat). But, up until this morning I've not had too much of an overlap of off time and work time.

I got going this morning rather early. Well, I guess that depends on your definition of "got going." My "got going" meant that by 8:30am I had already made coffee as well as a new playlist with the music on my computer. Not necessarily a high-importance "got going," but I was doing more than laying like a log in bed.

And so, by the time the first phone call came this morning - at 9:15 - I had already started some laundry, eaten breakfast, and was in the middle of the movie section of the paper. A phone call by the very excited great-grandparent of the baby to be baptized on Sunday (the baby's mother called me yesterday saying that she'd like to talk about publicly affirming her faith, ie. confirmation). So, this great-grandmother was very excited because she wants to bring flowers. Ok, we figured out who would be at church on Saturday with a key to get to the vases. Check.

Strange, I thought. But, not too strange. Just an excited great-grandmother.

So, when 5 minutes later the phone rang again, I expected another questions from the same woman. Well, the not-very-grandmotherly voice (considering it was male and much younger), asked for Pastor Amused. I though - uh-oh...someone died.

No, it turns out that I accidentally gave my home number instead of the church number to the youth mission trip organizers that may be using our church building this summer to house kids. Now, I've known that I walk the line sometimes between confusing home things and work things. I mean, how many times have I tried to open my apartment door with my church key?

But, to give out my home phone number - when I fully intended to give my church number - geez! My home number is out there - obviously. And, I would hope that people have it for those times when someone unexpectedly goes into the hospital or dies. But for paperwork crap? Not necessary.

Well, it all works out alright. Because I needed to make sure I remembered to call said mission-trip-organizer a call, I called the church to leave myself a message. And, surprisingly someone picked up. It was the woman who I was going to ask to get the flower supplies ready - and the person who I've asked to check to see if she had supplies for this Sunday's children's sermon.

So, flowers are taken care of. Message regarding hosting the church is taken care of. Children's sermon is taken care of.

For it being my day off, I've sure accomplished a lot. O well - pure frivolity (well, in the form of taxes, more laundry and the gym...but I'm seriously considering buying an I-Pod today) the rest of the day.

Mistake Magnified

I've had a good pastoral week. I led a very positive and well-received retreat today. I've got some good stuff going on tomorrow. But there is a major mistake in the bulletin and I'm frustrated by it. It's a new Hymn of Praise that the organist and I are introducing, and it is not right in the bulletin. ARRGH!

It seems that much worse because there are 125 copies of it floating around.

Shared Interest

I feel boring. I'm not bored. I just feel boring.

It feels like the interesting things that happen in my life are things that I can't talk about. And, the things that I can talk about aren't so interesting.

Some part of it is probably that lately the most interesting things have had to do with work, and even if they aren't confidential, then they certainly aren't interesting to other people.

While I'm not sure that I want too much to happen to make me interesting, I just want to be able to share what is already interesting about me - and I'm not sure how to do that.

Well, how's that for talking in circles?

Mooney

The moon is striking tonight - a gift to those who might take advantage of the unseasonably warm weather on this traditionally romantic evening. Big, full, yellow, low in the sky. It seemed like a moon from an entirely different season - like it should have been an indicator of late September or early May.

I'm intrigued by the pull of the moon. Yesterday was one of those days that all sorts of things happen out of the ordinary. Multiple incidences that required firmness and calmness. Everyone just seemed to be ancy and ready to jump out of their skins. And I don't work with nearly the population that I did at the homeless shelter!

Today, I caught it a little, quickly losing patience with people and inanimate objects alike. It was also a day to not accomplish much. Oh well - in some ways that means that when I come home with goals to do laundry and go through my papers I am ready to do it - because then I can at least accomplish something.

Less of a Tease

This upcoming weekend I will have two first dates - both for coffee - both at the same local coffee house chain, although different locations. At one time it was possible that they would both have been on the same day. Other than that - I think they are both completely different guys.

This isn't a tease, but I don't really want to go into a ton of detail. So - these are the facts. My feelings on this, though, are mine.

A teaser

This weekend gives hope that perhaps my profession and my attached (or non-attached) status may not be completely at odds with each other.

And that's all I'm going to say for right now.

Publicly Private

Since it's a day with few demands (see previous post), I get time to really think. I recently described the beauty of my job as that for people in difficult situations I represent hope and comfort - not because of what I say or do, but because of the role I've been given. This means that when I even just call someone on the phone, there's another presence with us, because a recognition of God is understood (even if I don't say anything). Not that the divine isn't with us when I call up a friend who doesn't see me as pastor - but when I'm that role, that recognition is a bit clearer.

But, that adds another complication - because even though it's not about what I say or do, it is possible for me to represent the downfall of contemporary religion. So many people have been hurt by superhuman expectations and by corruption. So many people have been turned off by piety and hypocrisy.

I think about the choices I make outside of my role as pastor. I don't usually think about "representing" the church and denomination that I do - I just live as I think is important. But, if I royally screwed up, it would hurt more than just the immediate people involved. It's just a matter of determining what "screwing up" is.

I don't toss and turn at night worrying and wondering about my actions, but I do like to ponder this public life that I am living and how my private life might sometimes need to take precedence.

Positively Boring

Mmm, an entire day ahead of me with no schedule, expect to get done the things I want to do.

I've written about seven different things here that I then re-read and discover are completely boring.

I like that I'm boring today - yay!

Crossword Help

I usually enjoy doing the crossword in the paper Fridays through Sundays. Today, however, it's giving me a headache. I'm stuck on a few words that are really driving me nuts! There are six words I cannot get - can you help me out?

Orange variety: O S _ _ E
Supplemented, with "out": E _ _ D
Lettuce type: _ O S
Platonic P: _ H O
Side Conversation: _ _ O S S P _ L _
and
Turn right: _ E _

Usually if I can't get something it's okay. But I feel like I should be able to get these.

My heritage? I'm not so sure.

Following Meckhead, Jessica and Abba, I decided to try my hand, or should I say face, at the web site that tells you which stars you look like (or have a common heritage? Looks can be deceiving).

Here are my somewhat embarrassing totals - with a couple comments.

Janet Leigh (68%) I do believe my mom's sister looks quite a bit like a young Janet Leigh - so I'll take it.

Diane Keaton (49%) It's the glasses.

Andrew Wiles (48%) First reaction - Who? (Answer) Second reaction - a man?!? Again, it's the glasses. Third reaction - Hey, at least he's smart.

Elton John (47%) Hmmm...I just can't win. Janet Leigh was a good start, Diane Keaton is okay. But then Andrew Wiles and now Sir Elton John! It had better get more complimentary!

Katie Holmes (47%) Ok, that's better. I used to find Tom Cruise hot too.

Mia Farrow (46%) Eh, at least she's not a man.

Meryl Streep (44%) Lot's of strong women types in here - are we sure this isn't a personality test?

Celine Dion (42%) This is where I question the whole heritage thing.

Olivia Newton-John (41%) Aww, Sandra Dee!

Michelle Pfeiffer (41%) Phew - so we ended with some attractive women, including Catwoman herself.

Convicted

Thank you, Abba, for asking how the chaos is going. I can honestly say that it continues to go, and that I'm holding up - but I'm totally going to need a nice glass of wine on Sunday afternoon (during a 24 hour break from the chaos).

Some of the things that have added to chaos have been things that have forced me to continue my discernment process. This discernment thing never stops, it just continues. Some of my colleages are suggesting, and I'm asking them to suggest, some possible directions and options for what will shape my ministry. But, that's not all I'm having to discern.

I'm having to discern how much I can say yes to before that yes ends up meaning a no to something else to which I've already committed.

I'm having to discern how much "we've always done it that way" is truth and how much is perception.

I'm having to discern what the consequences might be if we don't do "it" the way "it" has always been done.

I'm having to discern how much to fill people in on of my vision - small steps for some, big picture for others.

I'm having to discern where I really want to put my energy.

Tonight I started a 2 1/2 day Anti-Racism Training. And, as I was sitting there listening to a wonderful woman speak, I started having doubts about the amount of energy I want to put into certain justice issues. I suppose it was a bit of despair of what I will never be able to fully accomplish (as if accomplishing was the point), combined with fatigue, combined with not really knowing where to start in my location (which is one reason to do the training - duh!).

As this evening's session was winding down, we had a short worship service in which this woman first led us in a favorite spiritual "Wade in the Water." As she sang the verse "See that host standin' all in black (God is gonna trouble the water) I'm a leaving and I ain't goin' back"** she looked right at me - held my gaze and smiled. At first I smiled, then I started to tear up, then I had to look down as my face flushed. I am convicted.

I can't go back either. And it's scary. I was not expecting this. But, taking this training (even as introductory as it has been so far) and contemplating other ways to bring justice to the forefront of my ministry, really means that I kinda have to keep wrestling with it. I don't get to stop and say that I don't want to pay attention to injustice today - or that I'll ever finish my work. More discernment.

**I can't find this particular verse in the on-line lyrics pages that I've looked. I can find all of the others she sang, but not that verse. So, these might not be the particular words she sang.

On the Eve of Chaos

Tomorrow starts an incredibly busy and responsibility-laden rest-of-January. And so, I find, I don't want to go to bed. I know once I go to bed that my busy life essentially begins. If I don't go to bed, I get to enjoy these last five days of relative un-busy-ness. However, I also will not get my essential quota of sleep.

Ah well. Responsibility starts now.

The Wonder of Kids - And the Good They Bring

During an extended family Christmas celebration I was somehow singled out by my cousin's 2-year-old son as a safe person. He followed me around a bit, and kept running back to my lap after venturing out (it helped that part of the time I was the lone female in a room full of men who were playing with and teasing him). As I said then, my heart just kept getting bigger and bigger.

I love children. Yet, for some reason my bonds with the children at church haven't gotten very far yet. I think it has something to do with not being quite as reachable as I lead worship and other church activities. I wonder if I am a bit intimidating to them. I also have not had much of a chance to be with them. These last three months I've participated in some of their activities (today we went ice skating - fun!). And, I think that some of these relationships are building. This month a few of the kids were more comfortable than last month. The trust will come - even if the relationship remains one of pastor/parishioner.

But, I miss that complete trust of a 2-year old as he flings his body into my lap and snuggles.

Doubting Thomas

I recently picked up the new Nickel Creek album, "Why Should the Fire Die?" One of the album's songs completely stands out to me - "Doubting Thomas." They lyrics read:

what will be left when i've drawn my last breath
besides the folks i've met and the folks who know me
will i discover a soul cleansing love
or just the dirt above and below me

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

sometimes i pray for a slap in the face
then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward
if there's a master of death i'll bet he's holding his breath
as i show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

can i be used to help others find truth
when i'm scared i'll find proof that its a lie
can i be lead down a trail dropping
bread crumbs
that prove i'm not ready to die

please give me time to decipher the signs
please forgive me for time that i've wasted

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

I think it's the third verse that strikes me. The scariness and awesomeness of this career. The amount of responsibility - that I take this so seriously, but then realizing that it's not all up to me...that I am more than likely getting a whole mess of things wrong. But - I still take up a lead and hope others will follow...not following me to follow me, but to figure out the way(s) to follow another.

While I rarely feel quite the extent of the uncertainty as the lyricist, there are times that are hard to say what I believe. But then I fall back on what I promised to teach and preach and sometimes it's this very act of preaching and teaching that brings me out of my doubt. And I resonate with the feelings of not being worthy to be in this place of leadership. But if any of this were about worth, I know I wouldn't be where I am at all.

Wisdom's House

In the mail on Wednesday I received the most lovely of gifts. It was from my host family as I was a volunteer through Lutheran Volunteer Corps a number of years ago. They are wonderful souls with whom I continue to keep in some degree of contact. They are, in fact, who introduced me to Denise Levertov's work - she being the author of the poem for which this blog site is named. He is among other things an artist and poet and he wrote the following in the letter to me:

"Which leads me to explain the enclosed poem. "Wisdom's House" has been published in a small Christian literary magazine Windhover. But it started with a question you made me ask. One day I was watching you interact with homeless and/or obviously disturbed or stoned individuals who you knew through N House (the homeless shelter where I worked). The way that you dropped all pretense and agendas of your own and became available to them made me ask, what house did [Amused] grow up in to become this way. It made me also think of [my volunteer house] and the many LVC houses and households and the volunteer interactions that take place."

Wisdom's House
--for [Amused]

I've seen her house levitate
lift its burden against gravity
arc across the rippled roof lines
of the sleeping city.

I've heard her front porch speak
with the tongue of movie rights
in the timbre of patent law
and on the twelve point ritual.

When we arrive at Wisdom's house
the doors recite stories. Windows
unravel old ghost secret hymns.
Saints heat water, brew tea.

The border between the work
of our hands on fresh mornings
and the words of hearts seek
on pale evenings, that margin blurs.

A slow wind sings itself
through each room, stands in
every doorway, is already asking
if we need another home.

by Robert [last name...since I haven't told him I'm putting this on the internet]

One reason I love poetry is because I don't every get it all the first time. And, I know that this will take a number of reads for me to soak it all in. And, like scripture, I may read it differently depending on where I am in life.

And, my heart swells as I realize that it's really about the home in which I was brought up - that it's about those who supported me since I first was and those who helped support me as I branched out.

Even when I'm relaxing, I make lists

Ahh, a day off, with another one immediately following. I slept in until just before 10. While my body is not yet feeling altogether relaxed, it is relaxing. I do have a to-do list for today - but it includes fun stuff as well as work stuff.

1) figure out how and where to recycle my Christmas tree (and how long they accept them)
2) find a dentist, make an appointment
3) find an eye doctor, make an appointment
4) find a massage therapist, make an appointment (I'm available tomorrow)
5) take a bath
6) call friend to figure out when we're going to Brokeback Mountain
7) put away things on my dining room table, which seems to collect everything I take out of its place
8) Call to RSVP for house blessing at colleague's house on Saturday (am I going or not? I don't know)
9) before I go to bed, do the dishes.

I will allow myself to leave anything but 4, 5, 6 & 9 until tomorrow - which happens to be another day off.

It is amazing. Just knowing that I have tomorrow too feels so nice. A real day off - if I like, not to do anything but what is essential to relax and stay alive (really, my dishes might attack me if they are not soon cleaned).

Actually, this entire week, I've been more relaxed, happier, more patient...just because I knew I would have these two days. A lesson.

I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter.

My family member who can best push my buttons, but also might be right on (thus pushed my buttons) told me over my short visit (in the midst of a "discussion") that she worried about me - worried that I was too hard on myself and set an impossible bar for myself.

I came back from that break and worked these last two days. Within these two days I've had face-to-face contact with perhaps 8 people from my congregation. Three of these eight people had separate conversations with me talking about how they thought about me - one - how it must be hard to be new in a city with such a big job. Two others (at separate times) about how this was an enormous job and that I needed to make sure I took care of myself. I also reread an e-mail today from a colleague that was applauding some self-care boundary setting I'd done.

Wow! It brings to mind the old joke/sermon illustration of the man caught in a flood standing on his roof praying for God to save him - a boat, a helicopter and some other mode of transportation all come by offering help, but he says no, 'cause he's waiting for the Lord. Well - duh! God works through people! God must have understood that I needed that many people and in those particular ways telling me to pay better attention to self care.

So, I'm taking next Thursday off. Next week I am going to set up an appointment with one of the three spiritual directors I've been led to. Also, in the next two weeks I'm going to finally call the person who I've thought might be a good "synod mentor." I've got other plans as to how to monitor myself, but I don't know that I need to list them all here.

Self-care is so important, but it's so easy to let go of. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by the big job and let others fill my schedule. It's so easy to feel despair over not being able to finish everything. But, as I tell so many others, I've got to make sure that I am healthy...not just physically (oh yeah, what was that about a gym?), but spiritually, emotionally and socially too.

These posts have been depressing lately - I've been overwhelmed and undernourished. Thankfully, God keeps sending people to save me from the flood of.....hmm, not despair, not loneliness, self-destruction. Yup, that's it.

Merry Christmas

My last post seems so depressing. In actuality, within hours of posting it things began to turn around. My parents are coming out for New Year's Eve. Which, considering I can't stay out very late due to work obligations early the next morning, and considering that I'm single, is the best thing I think could have happened. Now I get to spend New Year's with people I love, and not feel like a fuddy duddy for leaving before the ball drops.

Also, I was cued into a flight between here and my parents' home for an incredibly reasonable price. Which means I get more time with family and friends and less time in the car (almost 10 hours less travel time!)

However, I've been back at the teary stage, but this time I can point fingers. I'm stressed. It's 8 am on Christmas Eve morning and I haven't finished my sermon for tonight and barely begun my sermon for tomorrow morning. (Uff! Just remembered - children's sermon for tomorrow!) Also, a parishioner that I've been steadily visiting in the hospital died yesterday, and due to plane tickets I will not be doing the funeral. That feels really hard to give it up. It's the second time I've gone on vacation, and the second time I've had to ask another pastor to step in to preside at the funeral.

So, I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I'm surrounding myself with Christmas music. I've got my tree lights on. I'm wishing everyone I see "Merry Christmas." But, because of this whole worship leadership thing, I'm losing sight of some of the beauty and mystery.

I do wish that for everyone - A Merry Christmas, where the wonder of the gift of God is felt.

Bad Mood

Why have I been on the edge of crying for the last few days? They haven't been altogether stressful (or at least no more than usual). I've had some good rewarding moments - some good interactions, some good preparatory work done. It's not what has been happening that has gotten me down. Today as I talked with dear friend, Belle, I realized that it's because I'm looking towards a crappy holiday season.

The time when my family has it's normal celebration, I'm going to be preparing for the next day's worship service. The time when other people are opening presents from extended family members and eating ham? I'm going to be driving for 6 hours. The time when people are toasting out the old year and toasting in the new? Yet another lonely night at home while getting ready for worship the next day.

At least that's what it's looking like now. I could do something differently on New Year's Eve. I don't have a sermon that Sunday. I do hope to go to a late evening worship service Christmas Eve. I've got time to plan it. I just need to put the energy into it.

Exercise Count: 2

Check in...

At my first real full-time work place we had weekly staff meetings with "check-ins" where we shared what was going on in our lives because that completely fed into our work. So, here is my somewhat organized Check-In.

WORK: is good - challenged by office administration and today had to be a bit of a....umm, best clean word? - well, let's just say I had to lay down the law a bit.

Yesterday's soup kitchen was amazing in the people that I got to be a pastor to - and the ways I got to be part of people's lives. It was also cool because one of my Catholic colleagues was there because his parish is going to take over one night a month, so they were learning the ropes. I felt as each person (of various backgrounds and need-base) approached me that it validated the importance of what we are doing.

Today I planned all of the holiday worship service - which I do enjoy. I'm excited about a couple of the services, and two might take some extra work gathering others to be involved, but I'm excited to do it - to get people involved. However, because of certain office administration challenges I sacrificed a lunch break (before realizing that I hadn't had breakfast) - so I became a bit crabby.

SOCIAL LIFE: Good, because I've already had two social occasions of the week - but it is still very much missing the intimate quality. I think a couple of friends are getting there - but there are other things I miss - and miss out on. Overall - at this particular moment I am feeling lonely. Aching with loneliness, really. My plan is to go to bed with a good book and good music.

EXERCISE: Decent - because I can count bowling on Sunday - and shoveled for about 2 hours today. But, I'm not counting it until Friday...so we'll see what tomorrow brings...

Reports

Report #1
At my Grandparents' home these past few days, not only did I finish the square for the quilt I'm knitting (I don't have a pattern, I'm just knitting squares. Maybe it won't turn out) but I also finished my second sock! Now I have a pair!

Report #2
I signed the cousins up to help provide the Christmas celebration meal. The siblings are bringing soups and the Grandparents are providing bread and cookies. When the siblings were looking around, trying to figure out how to beef up the meal (so to speak) I piped in saying that my generation could take care of it. As one of only 2 cousins there at the time I hope no one minds that I spoke for them. We are between the ages of 23 and 31 - we should be able to pull our weight.

Report #3
My congregation has no plan for snow removal. It snowed yesterday. I spent 2 hours shoveling snow today (in 2 one-hour increments) so that the city doesn't come through to clear it for us (costing us a lot of money). I enjoyed myself, but would have had a much more enjoyable day (maybe even able to take advantage of the presence of a certain Chicago friend in town at her folks) if I had been able to just concentrate on my sermon and get out of there.

Report #4
Said snow shoveling (as well as Wednesday's snow shoveling) are my exercises for the week.
I never did make it to the Y last week. I'll be checking it out soon.
Exercise = 2

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for Christ

Umm. True Confession. So, I actually used the description of the Transformers and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in my sermon today (like when they come together to form one big being and the command center is in the head - ie. Jesus as the head of the body of Christ). And people liked it, they said it helped them relate a bit...at least the ones that said something.

I fear I dumb things down a bit too much sometimes. There's a book title that I remember called Reaching Out Without Dumbing Down by Marva Dawn. I don't know that I have read it, but the title sticks in my head. I wonder, when am I simply using creative imagery and when am I going too far.

Brute Strength

I've been making a few references to childhood toys and cartoons lately. It just seems to fit. Like, the description of Jesus as the head of the church - with the people the body - that is in the second reading for this Sunday makes me think of Transformers (or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers that I grew to love as a college-age babysitter). When the robot or the very large power ranger - I'm not exactly sure what it is - comes together, or transforms - there Jesus is...in the control tower, so to speak. He's calling the shots, directing where things should go and moving this big clunky body forward to do good (or in the case of the cartoons, fight the bad guy). So, is that where the black and white pictures of good and evil come from? Cartoons.

Anyway, back on topic. The most recent childhood cartoon to pop into my head is She-Ra...who, I am sorry to admit I sometimes confuse with Jem...even though they are completely different. They must have been on one right after the other or something. She-Ra popped into my head as I was thinking about what it means to be strong. And, She-Ra's strength is not the kind of strength that I want or have.

Bellerina brought me to tears with a blog of hers in which she referred to me as strong. When I think about it, my back gets straighter and my resolve deeper...and I cry. I want to write about strength, but at the moment I don't think I truly can - I've got too much else going on in my mind to think clearly about it. But, that's what I'm thinking about right now. What does it mean for me to be strong? Where do I see strength in others?

This week's exercise: 0 (but on my list for today is to check out the Y)

Amused? Naw - Amazed.

I have been incredibly amazed lately at how much people are willing to allow me into their lives. The good, the bad, the joyous, the mournful. And how much people remember what I say. It's scary, really! But, at the same time - I have to trust that the Spirit has some pull there - and is moving within people just as much as, if not more than, she is moving in me.

Exercise for last week: one (bummer!)

The pastor and the single girl

Scene - cold windy day, I'm dropping my car off in the driveway of a parishioner who lives 5 houses down from me. I will be out of town for a few days and will not be able to abide by this city's parking stipulation of alternating sides of the street according to the day.

I am standing outside talking to this dear, dear saint - who also happens to be very good at spreading information when an attractive (ringless) man with a very nice dog and adorable child comes by. He and the parishioner start up a conversation as he is obviously checking me out (I swear...I don't believe I usually think someone is when he isn't...I might sometimes be oblivious, but I don't think I overestimate myself).

As one who is intensely private about such things, I kept quiet...in another circumstance, I'm not sure that I would.

He turned around a couple houses down and headed back in our direction as the dear saint and I were finishing our conversation. It almost worked that the attractive man and myself would have been walking together, except that as I started to walk away the dear, dear parishioner called me back for further conversation. (Minnesota goodbyes are not just in Minnesota). Ah well - it could just be that he's just one not to wear rings and maybe I looked familiar to him or something. Who knows.

The pastor and the single girl are at odds with each other sometimes.

Clubbin'

Abba sometimes begins her posts by listing her workout accompaniment. In the past, my most successful workout regiments have been when I've had someone who has held me accountable, mainly by working out with me. I don't have that here, at least not yet.** One friend of a friend and I have gone on a few walks together, but there is no set regimen.

I have an athletic club plan. I am going to get week long memberships for weeks that I am here until the new year. I will be trying out each of these athletic clubs as I go and will be able to make a decision around the new year, hopefully around a time when such athletic clubs have a discount for joining. My plan has been aided by two continuing education weeks that have allowed me to exercise other places, as well as some beautiful weather here that has made it all but impossible to stay inside doing work when I could be out being active. And so, I have just about 8 weeks left of this year - or I should say, about 6 weeks where it would be worth it to try a club. I know of 4 such clubs that I want to try out anyway.

The trick though, will be trying to make sure I do keep exercising as I seek a club and after I've joined. And so, my dear blog perusers, you are my accountability piece. Each week I will report what physical exercise I have completed. And so, let it begin. This week I ran (outside, on beautiful days) on Monday and Wednesday this week. I hope to do some kind of physical activity tomorrow as well...but I suppose I can't report that if I haven't actually done it. So - I exercised twice this week. So, this week's magic number is two.


**One friend has mentioned the possibility of trying to join the same athletic club...perhaps with the intent to attend similar classes or workout together?

Right Neighborly - or not

I had a run-in tonight. It happened about four hours ago and I'm still a little shaky.

No, it wasn't an accident - although it did involve my car. No, my physical safety wasn't in danger. No, it had nothing to do with work (although I definitely used some conflict resolution skills).

My doorbell rang a little before 7. Tonight was my neighborhood's trick-or-treat night (Halloween is huge here!). I expected that it was some kids. Instead it was a man, his sister and I think his brother-in-law. The brother and sister are sibling of a woman who lives across the street.

When I came home tonight there was very little room on my street to park. Being most recently from Chicago, this was not really a problem for me. As I squeezed my way into a tiny spot I did realize that my bumper was touching the car ahead of me (without very much room behind me). There was plenty of room for the car ahead of me to get out, but the offense I committed came in because my car was touching the man's car. (And let me say, I understand that I was in the wrong in this way and that people are protective of cars and paint jobs).

Well, I stepped outside, confused because I didn't see any kids. The sister aggressively asked if my car was my car and when I affirmed that it was proceeded to yell and swear at me. She kept asking me questions but gave no time for an answer (and then got more riled up when I didn't answer).

My legs were shaking, but I stayed standing. I soon ascertained that there was no way for me to talk to the sister - and when I discovered that the car in fact was the much calmer brother's, I talked with him. He and I left on good terms. I apologized and said that it wasn't all that unusual of a thing to happen where I had recently been, but that I understand that this is a different situation and I will not park so closely again. I apologized again and asked if there was any other way for me to respond.

The thing I don't understand completely, and would love to have someone explain to me, is why this was such an affront to them. I wonder if they thought it was a personal attack? I wonder what else it was that I did that contributed to the hostility from the sister. When I asked if I could do anything else the brother said "I just don't understand." And it felt to me like it was as serious as if someone had killed a kitten for no reason. I need some help understanding myself, it seems.

A half hour later I saw the woman who owns the house across the street outside and so I sucked in all the courage I could and went over and introduced myself, reiterating that I had not intended any offense and that I was sorry that we were just finally meeting because of this to-do. She was very nice and I think she and I are on good terms.

I've not been a very social neighbor. I've introduced myself to neighbors on either side and say hello when I pass someone, but that is not often. I have not gone out of my way here - partly because I'm in the mode of frequent moving around and apartment dwelling. This really made me appreciate all the more the importance of knowing one's neighbor.

Found it

Service (and sermon) completed. Still a busy day tomorrow. But, on the other side of the service I realized as soon as I started talking with the family again that that is where I get my motivation. To meet people where they are. To laugh with them and to cry with them - but most of all to know that God loves them and that they need not fear what is after their time on earth - for them or for their loved ones.

It's really not so hard to find motivation when I consider the people.

Lack of Motivation

Warning to the case sensitive - multiple inappropriate capitalizations ahead.

Memorial Service in 2 hours - sermon and service all set.

full day tomorrow of Administrative and Pastoral related activities (Committal, Interview a candidate to Fill a Staff position, Visiting someone about to enter the Hospital, Sermon Writing).

Today a day off filled with the Computer, Newspaper, Telephone calls. I have yet to leave the house for the day.

I'm having a hard time Caring about any of what I am Supposed to care about. I want to be Entertained. I'd rather have people caring for me (or a Mutual exchange) than this One-Way street that I'm Feeling right now.

Don't get me wrong - I care about the People to whom I'm ministering. And more Often than not I Receive care back. It just feels Shallow.

(And, as if you couldn't tell I'm feeling melancholy). I have to Ask "What's my Motivation?"

Handling It

When someone says "I can handle it" my ears perk up a bit and I take a little note. This phrase says to me that the "it" is something to handle and thus something that may cause a bit of anxiety or difficulty - or at the very least wear the person down a bit.

I only notice this because of my own experience. There are periods in my life where I look back and wonder how in the world I "handled it." Times that I have been worn raw and so emotionally scourged I couldn't cry. Times when I couldn't look to what was happening next week because it was all I could do to cope with the challenges of the present one.

The speaker at the conference I just attended was James Cone (or another site). His presentations were remarkable - one was on "The Problem of Race" and basically gave a 9 step process about how to go about addressing the problem within a community, particularly a religious community. Cone had us examining the cross from the perspective of a lynching tree in the second lecture - amazing in so many different angles and reminders of how we are all in this community together and yet we do not recognize Christ in our neighbor.

Anyway - as he responded to questions afterwards he was telling the history of who it was that stepped forward corporally to defend and fight with people in the South. He mentioned that as a body Jews stepped forward to fight for civil rights, but white protestants were shamefully missing. He was challenged by someone who himself had gone down - but Cone's response challenged the "I did it" mentality - especially when one begins to feel proud for where they are.

This brings me back to "handling it." Because, looking back - I can not imagine how I succeeded, but if it wasn't me that was doing the work - then it's possible. I can handle it - because I'm not the one who is handling it. When things do feel like they get to be too much, I shut down and move automatically. It's then, that I have to believe, that the Holy Spirit takes over. I can handle it because I let go.

I haven't figured out how to function normally and let go - I can only let go when there is no where else for me to go. And, I do not aim to get to that place on purpose. This helps me reinterpret parts of my life and the telling of those parts - it wasn't that I did anything but stuck within a given situation, letting go of anything but that I should be there.

Time for a change of pace

The Top Ten Indicators that I'm in need of a break

1. I easily become defensive
2. I cry when someone says something nice to me
3. Television or book characters become my friends
4. I get paranoid (as one friend aptly noticed) about my friendships - that I may offend
5. Even with a lot of friends, it's hard to reach out and call
6. I take too much responsibility for other people's mistakes
7. Small annoyances produce out-of-proportion responses (ie. my darn landlady's dogs are howling and I feel like swearing at them and stomping on the floor - not like that would work)
8. It's hard to think into the future - even 12 hours
9. Cooking becomes less important, but eating more
10. Feeling guilty for non-productivity on days off

I'd say that I'm currently at a 4 out of 10 scale here (#s 2, 4, 5 and 7). I certainly don't feel guilty for this day off - I'm looking forward to making dinner but I'm not really hungry, and since I'm reveling in my laziness today I'm not really having to deal with #s 1 and 6. Now, if only those darn dogs would shut up! I'd be a much healthier person (maybe I need to add an 11, blaming others for my annoyance...naw, anyone would be aggravated by persistent howling.)

I do get some kind of break. I have today off of course - and tomorrow should not be too stressful. And then we have continuing education Monday and Tuesday where I get to go be with others who do this same kind of work (with an extra bonus dinner for those of us in our first 3 years). I know that is work and that I will be tired after those days, but I think it will be good for my soul to have some of that collegiality. A time to commiserate, a time to laugh, a time not to be in charge (yay!).

I'm not looking to this continuing ed as a break so much as a change of pace. It will be nice to not have the same level of responsibility.

Reeking of normality...in a good way

Last night I had a topic in mind, but I thought that I would wait until today to write. Today, the topic must have wandered off to dream land.

It was a positive topic, that I know. Things seem to be going pretty well for me currently. I have been taking advantage of a trial week at a gym that may just get that $40 a month from me. I am enjoying work - feeling like I am making a difference, feeling like things have made the turn for the positive, having other people say that they are noticing that turn. I not only got a phone call this week from my grandparents (who generally call on birthdays and send cards at other times) but also from my brother (my brother!) who rarely calls...and he actually talked this time!

I also have had a pretty normal life lately. I had a "meeting" w/ a guy - not a date, I don't think...and not the guy for me, but it reeked of normality. I also got together with friends to hear a band on a Saturday night - a Saturday night! True, it was an accordion Band, and yes, they did play the Laverne & Shirley theme song, but really - that's how I know it's Milwaukee. And at the end of this week a friend is coming to visit since she's at a conference in Madison this week.

I could settle into this, and feel good about this. Nothing hugely exciting, nothing horribly traumatic. Those things are okay from time to time, but it is nice to be able to come home at the end of the day and not be all worked up.

One of my favorite links.

I'm not asking permission to direct y'all to one of my dear friend's blogs.

She has recently decided to go comment-free - which just means that I have to comment here that I'm loving her site so much. The combination of her beautiful artwork, her blatant political commentary and her own musings and passions being exposed have been wonderful for me to observe.

Please check out Bellarina's site.

Thanks.

Settled

This used to be a word I scorned. If someone was settled, what change could happen in his or her life? What adventures were ready to happen? What challenge? What growth?

But now, I crave it. I've been building up to this point for a couple of years. It first had to do with the desire not to move every single year. Then, I began imagining owning a dog (even though allergies would require one of the hairless variety). And now, I am thinking about purchasing a house. Let me stress 'thinking.' I have a little bit of saving to do, and a lease until the end of June. Even at that point I'll probably wait another year. But I am thinking about it.

I saw a number of friends who are in or heading towards that good settled place. How pleased I am for them! I don't know that I was or could have been before.

The difference is between settled and settling and then there is just plain old stagnation. I aim for settledness - and rejoice with my friends who are finding their way there too.

3 Months (the long and the short of it)

I started my current call 3 months ago. In three months time I have learned

1. I can write a sermon in 3 hours time
2. Most of the time those sermons aren't very good, but every once in a while a winner comes out of a short mad writing spree
3. I can lead a Bible Study on the texts for the week using the same prep I used for my sermon
4. When I lose my keys (easily up to four times a day) they are usually in the same place on my desk.
5. Some days it is very easy to come home and not think about work.
6. Other days there is no way I can get work out of my head.
7. It can take three months of regular visits to (finally) be able to navigate a hospital, especially one that has been frequently remodeled.
8. It can take (only) three minutes of heartfelt listening to help another feel as if someone cares and will listen.
9. It can take three weeks (or more) for appreciation of a particular sermon to come back to you.
10. It can take three seconds to stick your foot in your mouth - especially during times of prayer when some sort of eloquence and care should be involved.
11. I need to remind myself to take back the gobs of extra time I have put in.
12. Even when I intend to take a full day for myself, one phone call from the son of an ailing woman can change those plans.
13. I do not need to respond to other people's urgencies (except perhaps in cases such as #12). Ok, further clarification as to what some of these urgencies might be: need to know what the council has decided, need to hire someone for a position as volunteers are filling in. Urgencies that are not life/death.
14. It hurts when people (outside of my congregation) question and doubt that I am a pastor - or assume that there must be other pastors from my congregation.
15. Many of my parishioners and others with whom I come into regular contact do think of me as pastor - with no questions.

Unintentional

I unintentionally lied in my last post. I think I might very well be working as much as I did in school - but only for this week. I've only worked 4 days this week and I've worked over 40 hours. On my day off (today) not only do I have a wedding rehearsal, but I have to attempt to prepare for the wedding rehearsal (my first ever in a leadership role) and I should probably write the sermon for the wedding.

When it comes right down to it, I am unintentionally working way more than I think is necessary. But, I'm not goofing off. We had a number of new programming things this week, there were a couple of meetings off church grounds, and, perhaps most of all, there were a few new hospital and nursing home visits to make.

The thing is, I feel like I accomplished things this week. And yet there is still so much to do. I feel though, as if I'm getting things in place so that I don't have to reinvent the wheel every single week. And, people are starting to turn to me as pastor. I still get the surprised looks and funny comments when people first realize that I'm the pastor - the only pastor. But, those who are members of the congregation are accepting me, and in some cases end up "defending" me to those who question (I tend not to defend, just state the obvious, "Yes, I'm the pastor. Yes, I'm new and early in my career. Yes, I'm younger than 30. Yes, I'm a woman.")

Finally, this week, even amidst all of my busyness I've somewhat unintentionally had a social life with a few different groups of people, non of them members of the congregation. Actually, if I count last Friday in the mix, I've socialized (in a purely social way) with five different groups of people! And that is with my crazy work week.

So, yeah. I'm exhausted - but I'm managing to accomplish what I need to. And, I'm having fun outside of work too.

Now, if only I could unintentionally exercise...

Fewer hours + more responsibility = Worn Out

This morning I woke up tired. Two long days behind me, four long days ahead of me with not enough time to accomplish everything I think I need to do. Yet, I probably am running around quite a bit less than I ever did in either schooling experience I've had. I just have more responsibility. And that makes me tired.

I think I'm doing what I need to in order to take care of myself. My social calendar has been quite full of late. I'm for the most part making sure that my day off has very little to do with work and doing my best to take time on both Saturday and Sunday away from everything. But ahead of my this weekend - a wedding rehearsal on my day off and the wedding on Saturday. That means two sermons, both of which are brewing in my head, but neither of which have anything on paper.

I've discovered that the weeks immediately before council meetings and immediately following council meetings are the busiest. Committees trying to get things done before and picking up the decisions that were made afterwards.

So, now, I've got to go and get ready for my day. I'm 1/2 way through my first cup of my regular 2 cups of coffee and a shower will feel good - and then it's off to the workplace.

Odds and Ends

Each of these could be their own entry - and I reserve the right to do so in the future - but for now they're short and to the point.

+ I am now sportin a new ride. My brother's vehicle (on loan to me as he attempts to live simply) is only about one year younger than my (now former) car, but it's in much better shape.

+ I have finally purchased a bed. Actually, I did this a couple weeks ago. I am now the owner of a "big girl bed" and have moved the "nun bed" into the guest room. Of course, moving from the nun bed to the big girl bed does not change the contents in any way - but there is a lot more room to spread out on.

+ I have support in my job! And, I got things done this week! And...well, okay, my sermon isn't done - but it's well on its way!

+Tomorrow is my day off, but in some ways it will be a working day off because I need to pay bills, start looking for an accountant, get a dress fitted, get the car's oil changed. But, I also get Monday off - whoo-hoo! Chi-town, here I come!

+ I've successfully unhooked myself from a web that eats up my time! I got a little hooked on checking up on the live feeds of the show Big Brother. Can you blame me? I'm in a new city by myself, and these people were letting me into their lives. But, once my free 2 weeks ran out, I have let it go! I don't even read the web sites (well...as much). I still watch the show when I can though.

+ Babies, babies, babies! It seems as if they are popping out all over the place. (I don't mean to be crass, that is truly how I feel - it seems I turn my head and another friend is all of a sudden holding a wriggling infant in his or her arms). Three years ago it was weddings, weddings, weddings, although only one of those couples are new parents. This is so much fun - new life and new joy...and that I don't have to be up with them at night. Bring on the kids! (Just not in my family yet, please).

Two days later...

Here it is, two days later and although I'm exhausted, I feel like competent Pastor again. Over the course of Tues to Wed I worked a full 24 hours. Today was all about getting the newsletter out, getting the bulletin ready and now, finally, I get to work on my sermon.

I've learned it's better for me to leave the office when I want to write a sermon. I work better at my home office. It might be comfort level, it might be the lighting (I actually wonder if it's my keyboard at work that is difficult to type on), but I just am more inspired at home.

Two days later - I've had some deep conversations with some, been brushed off by others, helped plan a large event, visited a woman in a nursing home, met for a text study with other clergy, finalized some staff transitions and actually took some time to study the Bible. Two days later and I'm remembering what I'm doing here and why I'm doing it.

Phew!

If I were superstitious...

I would think it was me. As an intern people died either right before I was about to visit them or immediately after I did. Now, with as much as I can say about my situation - let's just say that there is a major staff rejuvenation in the works.

If I was superstitious I would think it was me. If I was egocentric I would thing it was me (phew, maybe I'm not as egocentric as I think). I know it's not me, but, as with the multiple deaths, I'm marveling at the timing. Marveling isn't quite the right word...but I'm too tired to figure out what is.

Following the same subject - work - I'm really having to learn how to draw my boundaries. Boundaries have often come very easy for me - but I'm finding it quite difficult as I feel continuously placed in the middle of situations that it's not necessary I be in. It takes so much more work to sit silent or redirect - making sure people are communicating with each other rather than it go through me. It would be so much easier if I just did everything - but I don't have that kind of time nor do I want that authority - nor is it my call. I am here to empower others. But it's hard to remember that when someone asks "What are you going to do about that?"

I'm exhausted and have cried more in the last two days than I think I have all year. I'm not exactly sure why - other than I'm not in control and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I continue to feel like I'm in the right place and that I am doing the work I am called to do. And, I have hope and trust that I will get to the point where this will come more naturally. (I also have some very good resources and outlets that I have begun to use - so I'm taking some good steps both professionally and personally, but it doesn't fix everything right away).

If I were superstitious I would believe my horoscope from Sunday (the day of my official installation as pastor of this church) that contained among the prophecy, "...it's not the best day to make a commitment or promise. Change is headed your way..." But, I'm not superstitious and I will follow through with those promises I made - but the only way I'll be able to is because of the second part of the phrase I used to promise - "I will, and I ask God to help me." I ask you to ask God to help me too.

Beautiful Katy

I suppose it's not fair that I get to keep my anonymous status and in a past blog I ratted out my brother, and here I'm going to rat out my sister.

My beautiful sis is pictured as one of the performers for the Minnesota Fringe Festival. Go to this link, click on Sunday, August 7th (it mentions the title of Katy's performance "We As Makers" in the description on that day). When the window comes up, rather than paging forward through all the people who aren't my sister, page backwards (the button in the upper left) 4 & 5 times to see Kates.

Where did I store that supply of anti-loneliness potion?

Yup, it's hit. I'm not mopey or feeling sorry for myself, but I am noticing a starkness to my life. I'm feeling lonely. I've got some friends here, and some plans to spend time with said friends later this week, but I am feeling that umph in the gut that craves being known and loved.

I think Sunday afternoons are especially hard, and I need to remember that. Sunday afternoon, after an intense morning, is the time when I want to be with people, but not have to expend much energy. I want to be comfortably in the presence of another. I want to easily pick up and go somewhere for dinner or entertainment without having to figure it all out myself.

I do like to spend time by myself - this afternoon I read the Sunday paper while I watched part of a movie on tv (Evita, which is why I turned it on, for the music. I kept it on because someone had mixed up the reels and the movie was in three parts. The station showed the third part first, then the second part, then the first part. It made me laugh). I read a book in this gorgeous weather. I talked to my mom and my brother. I contemplated shopping for a new bed, but decided I'd much rather stay on my deck reading that book, and I made dinner. Not a bad afternoon...but I do miss the comfortable familiar.

I know this will just take time. I am in the process of making friends with whom I will be comfortable, and I know that I will frequently get to see some other already close friends who are close by (as I did on Friday and had a fabulous time). But, this is where I am now, and it's hard.

F.R.s

A former roommate once lamented the fact that she really did not have any good nicknames that people used for her. I understand that lament. Nicknames denote a closeness, and have a story behind them.

Another former roommate and I share a semi-secret nickname that still stops me in my tracks when I hear it, in a good stop-in-my-tracks sort of way. It's an endearment, or at least it is said that way, and the word still surprises me and that it is used in context with me.

It surprises me so much sometimes that I am not sure how to respond - I just let the name wash over me and feel special.

Bumps in the Road - Hazards? or Speed Humps?

"I'm doing alright, but if you'd asked me last week it would have been a different answer. Let's just say I had a few bumps."

So I said this afternoon to a fellow fabulous female frocked one (hee!). And, yeah, I did have a few bumps last week. They didn't end the honeymoon, but they were not the highlight of it either. But these bumps meant that I was challenged - I had to think like a pastor, not just react. I had to take myself out of it in some ways, because it wasn't about me - it was about me being my role.

These bumps never threatened to derail me or cause me to bottom out completely, but they did 'cause me to slow down a bit. It is a long, and somewhat winding journey ahead - I can't see how far this goes or what we'll come upon before we reach the end. Right now I'm not even sure when the next curve is...but I think we just came around one. And the bumps are just part of the journey. However, maybe I should look into better shocks.

What's wrong with me? I'm not lonely!

As I was sitting on my back porch, watching downtown Milwaukee's fireworks tonight I realized something: I'm not lonely. True, I've only been here for, ah, let's see - two weeks as of tomorrow. True, I do interact with people regularly at work. True, I greatly miss friends and family. True, I do have a friend or two here. BUT - I'm not lonely...and I am amazed.

I know there will be times that I will be lonely - if there were lonely times when I was in Chicago surrounded by many, many friends there will be times that I will be lonely here. I've always had times of loneliness even when surrounded by many close friends. But, amazingly enough, this is not one of them (either the loneliness or the being surrounded by close friends).

I am enjoying a bit of this isolation. I am enjoying the time to myself. I'm reading - fiction, non-fiction. I'm working...I don't think more than I should, but sometimes it's been hard to stop because I've been having so much fun. I'm exercising. I'm socializing a small bit.

I'm in awe of this feeling. Maybe it's different than the year I spent in Texas because I know that within 2 hours are a number of friends who have known me for some time. Maybe it's different because there are at least three times in the next two months where I know I will be spending time with friends or family who know me well...and that's all that I really require. Maybe it's different because I just moved here and the loneliness hasn't set in.

Regardless of why - I am grateful for this time to not be lonely. I just with I could bottle it up and save it for the inevitable times of loneliness in the future. (And to market it to others.)

She's Baa-aack

I've been a reticent poster lately, not because of desire but because of access to private internet. But now, I've got it. I just successfully set myself up (with the help of a lovely CD-Rom) with internet access in my home.

I am feeling very protective of my privacy right now which is a bit silly. I assume that most, if not all, of you reading this knows who I am...and probably knows more about me than I share in these pages. Yet, I treasure being known as Amused. I like having a code name and very little actual fact. I enjoy figuring out ways to say a specific detail in such a way that it remains somewhat ambiguous.

I'm not all that intriguing of a person - but I like the option to be. On a flight from Providence, RI with a friend I recounted that when I was flying to and fro a bit more frequently (and by myself) I would pretend that I was terrified of flying. I stopped pretending because I started to convince myself that I was and I just didn't need a phobia that I didn't have to begin with. Anyway, I would sit in my sit and steal myself for the take off and the landing, glancing around to see if anyone was paying attention to my fear.

It's a bit of pretending to be someone I'm not...which perhaps has been good practice as I begin a career by pretending to be someone I want to be. I'm hoping that the same instinct that began to really feel fear as I pretended, will kick in and I'll really feel confident and like a leader.

'Til then, I'll just keep my secret, Amusing identity wrapped around my shoulders.

Calgon, take me away...

It's hot and muggy and I am supposed to be packing to move as well as packing for the trip I leave on tomorrow at 7:30 am. But, I'm restless. I have had so much to do and so many details to try to pay attention to - and at the present moment I'm just not organized to handle it. I keep thinking that if I can just get the next thing done I will be a bit saner. But I haven't come across that magic accomplishment that leads to sanity. I crossed off all but one thing on my extensive list for today - but I still have a number of things I'd like to accomplish yet tonight.

As in most cases, it will be better once I leave my door tomorrow at 7:30 and can't turn back. Once I am not able to pay attention to it for a short time and once I'm able to sit down on the plane and look forward to some relaxation, a movie, a book, planning a sermon (yes, even that feels relaxing at this point), sitting at the beach, hanging out with a dear friend, attending another dear friend's ordination and then flying back with yet another dear friend. What a whole heck of a lot (much of it relaxing) to look forward to! And, I know that I will be saner once I walk through my door.

Just as, I know I will feel saner once I've gotten into my new apartment (even if I don't have it all put together yet) and once I gotten to my parents' home before my ordination and I even believe that I will feel saner than I do now when I am beginning as Pastor Amused...because there is freshness, excitement, possibility and comfort in each of these things. And it is time to leave the old - and that is why I feel restless and want to run away. Not away from the old, but away from the leaving.

Called

I have been called to a congregation!
Informed on Sunday, continues to slowly slip its way into my conscious.
Ordination date set for June 18th in my home congregation.
I'm going to be a pastor - really? geez! yes! how?!?!?
UFF!

Hooting and Hollering

I'm in the middle of my final paper for my graduate school career. Other than one class period today in which I have very little responsibility, it is the last thing that I have to accomplish before I graduate. Yeah, I'd like to get my apartment a bit cleaner, and yeah, I plan to celebrate with banquets and parties, but it is the absolute last weight of academia left. One little page, single spaced (two pages double), with plenty to say. It is now just a matter of saying it so it makes sense.

I was standing on the corner this morning in the rain talking to a friend. We were having an all too serious conversation for 7:15 in the morning the Thursday before we graduate. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a second-year student (Middlers we like to call them) come out of his apartment and plod his way down the street until he saw us on the corner. At this point he ran towards us yelling "SENIORS RULE!" I felt like I was in high school, and I loved it!

Here at seminary we have things like special sending worship services and receptions to honor graduates - we stay pretty quiet about it, with little hooting and hollering (although we have a large group of us going to a dueling piano bar Friday night called "Howl at the Moon", maybe some hollering will happen there). So, to have someone who is not a senior excited for us - hooting and hollering - made my day.

Maybe we don't hoot and holler because we are reserved Lutherans. Maybe we don't because we worry that those who are not graduating will feel dejected (I could have used a softer word, but that's no fun!). Maybe some people think it is just not dignified and refined to hoot and holler(why do we have to be dignified and refined all the time anyway?). Maybe we don't because it takes energy to hoot and holler and we are scrambling to conserve our energy for the time when family arrives and when we will sit through a 3 hour worship service during which we graduate. Maybe I just have a powerful urge to hoot and holler because I am reaching for ways in which to procrastinate these last few paragraphs of academia.

So, in an effort to remain dignified, not subject anyone to dejection and conserve my energy I am refraining from hooting and hollering for the moment....at least until this paper is completed.

Marking Accomplishments

The day I graduated from college I plucked my first facial hair. Up until that point I had not noticed the sole, long dark hair protruding from my chin. It, and it's younger brothers and sisters, now encounter a tweezers regularly. Plucking hair has become one of my routines.

Yesterday, 10 days before I graduate from seminary, I found my first gray hair. Both of my parents didn't truly start turning gray until their early 50s. They've had a little bit of gray since I became a teenager, but even now at 57 their gray to brown/black hair is probably 1:1. This is all to say, I thought I had a long time before gray arrived. But now, this one little hair that isn't even very long has arrived.

As I left the restroom at school where I discovered it, I started envisioning myself with a full head of gray hair. There is something regal about a silver head. I know it won't happen for a while, but in some ways, I look forward to having the mark of maturity and good life that comes from a healthy head of silver hair - a bit like I want to have those nice smile lines around my eyes.

I'm not planning on more schooling anytime soon. Which is good - I can't imagine what I'd find by the time I graduated then...

Delightful Dan

People who have worked with me in the past have known that I tend to speak of my younger siblings quite often. I think that they are each quite amazing in their own way. I've got a dancing 2-year-younger sister and a brother, 6 years my junior.

My baby brother (from this previous post) will graduate from college in about a month with a BA in psychology and minoring in Philosophy and Religion. He has been accepted into Lutheran Volunteer Corps and will begin a year of service next August. Last Tuesday he called to let me know that he will be going to Oakland, CA and will be working at a place called Thunder Road, a place that works with adolescents overcoming alcohol, drug and nicotine addiction. I am so excited for my little bro' (Dan, thus this post's title) and look forward to hearing his experiences and seeing how he is impacted by this amazing work.

Seeking Metaphor

I'm in the middle of my denomination's call process - a call to ordination to be a pastor. I have had an interview and conversations are continuing. I am struggling to figure out how to go about an intentional process of discernment and have many ideas, but just don't know where to start.

As I flop about on the shore of the unknown I keep trying to make metaphors describe my situation. "The call process is like the beginning of a solitaire game, sometimes the games that seem as if you have no chance of winning are the ones that just seem to work out." "The call process is like the internet, sometimes speedy, sometimes slow - often bringing you to sites you never thought you'd chance upon."

These metaphors pop up in other places too - like when my dad mentioned that he looks forward to seeing white smoke over Milwaukee.

I am seeking metaphors - things that give insight and show truth, yet allow you to keep some perspective and distance. Maybe that is what I need to start to discern.

The Real, Jumbled, Acceptable ME

There are some days where my mind feels crystal clear and I'm sharp and feel as if I can respond well to any given situation. Then there are the days that I marvel that I make any sense whatsoever(like today). I think it often has to do with the place I am in my R.E.M. sleep cycle when I wake up.

Recently I've had a few occasions in which I said something really off-the-wall, out of the ordinary, funny, even, during these foggy days. Somehow though, I've been able to shrug off these incidents without feeling embarrassed or even like I need to explain myself to others.

This indicates to me that sometime in the last year I've become more confident in who I am. Humorously it means I don't feel like I always need to make sense, because I don't always make sense. I don't need to solve everything, because I am after all human - and no human can solve everything. I don't need to have all the answers or jump in every time I think I have an answer. And, when I do jump in with an answer and it isn't completely expressed well, it doesn't mean that my point isn't valid - just that only people who are really good at interpreting jumble can get anything out of it - that is okay. (Hmmm, is this beginning to be like the jumble - ah well).

Because of this extra confidence, I am being more me. And, it makes me feel like I am ready to do this ministry thing - because I'm aware of the whole me and how that works in ministry. I am aware of what I need for myself and what is needed for me to provide in my various roles.

I like this...I like liking me...I like feeling comfortable with who I present to the world and who I am that is private...I like this realness and knowing that it's not because of anything I've done that I'm acceptable. I think, after 28 years of life in the church, after 4 years of undergraduate work at a "church" school, after 4 years of seminary - I am finally realizing grace for myself.