Doubting Thomas

I recently picked up the new Nickel Creek album, "Why Should the Fire Die?" One of the album's songs completely stands out to me - "Doubting Thomas." They lyrics read:

what will be left when i've drawn my last breath
besides the folks i've met and the folks who know me
will i discover a soul cleansing love
or just the dirt above and below me

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

sometimes i pray for a slap in the face
then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward
if there's a master of death i'll bet he's holding his breath
as i show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

can i be used to help others find truth
when i'm scared i'll find proof that its a lie
can i be lead down a trail dropping
bread crumbs
that prove i'm not ready to die

please give me time to decipher the signs
please forgive me for time that i've wasted

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

I think it's the third verse that strikes me. The scariness and awesomeness of this career. The amount of responsibility - that I take this so seriously, but then realizing that it's not all up to me...that I am more than likely getting a whole mess of things wrong. But - I still take up a lead and hope others will follow...not following me to follow me, but to figure out the way(s) to follow another.

While I rarely feel quite the extent of the uncertainty as the lyricist, there are times that are hard to say what I believe. But then I fall back on what I promised to teach and preach and sometimes it's this very act of preaching and teaching that brings me out of my doubt. And I resonate with the feelings of not being worthy to be in this place of leadership. But if any of this were about worth, I know I wouldn't be where I am at all.