Integrity's Downfall

I'm pretty good at faking it 'til I make it. When I took piano lessons as a youth I never practiced - I sight read at my lessons. (How much better I would have been had I practiced!) Sometimes my piano teacher caught on, but other times I was able to fool her. This ability is partly why I've survived (and dare I say - succeeded?) this year.

Integrity is important to me. I want to be true to myself and others. I want to be fully who I am - in fact that is why I sometimes think I'm not so good at telling stories. I second guess my facts out loud as I go: "I flew into Minneapolis on Sunday...or maybe it was Monday...and as I went through the metal detectors the alarm went off - because of my shoes - is it the toe or the heel? And the customs agent - or what is their title? - well, the guy there - just waved me through."

So - that's made up (I must say so that no one thinks otherwise). But, it's like I have my own conversation with myself as I go. There is something in me that says "You must get the facts straight!"

(That brings me to an aside - as an Resident Assistant (RA) in college, the staff of my dorm took the Myers-Briggs personality indicator (or whatever the correct name is) and a favorite quote of that year came as I noticed one of my colleague's results were incredibly high in each of her areas and I exclaimed "You are so much what you are!" I want to be so much what I am, I guess - whatever that is.)

So, bring that in to last night. I was invited to a "woman's dinner and conversation" by an ecumenical colleague of mine. Many, but not all, of the other women there are in some form of chaplaincy ministry. There were also others who had other passions and roles in life - but ministry talk invades a room if each person is not diligent in keeping it out. I was the youngest by far, and while I was warmly welcomed and included, I felt disconnected.

I believe there was some intentional space creating last night - so as to lead to an elevated experience. A celebration of women. A time to share in the wonder of being strong and female. And it felt FALSE.

Oh, I was able to fake it for some of the time, but I started hating myself for letting go of my integrity of sharing emotion. It would have been just plain rude if I had shared what I was thinking...but I didn't have to play along as much as I did - I could have kept silent more than I did.

When we were to go around the table sharing "how we came" I did so. When we were to go around (again) sharing what we were taking with us, I did so. I shared stories - stories that were not completely true. I even jumped in on the eye-roll worthy poem the host had us create together (and - I love poetry...so it wasn't that it was poetry - just the theme that was eye-roll worthy). I was able to play the game of that night (participating in the false atmosphere). But, I don't feel good about it.

I did have a lovely time talking to some of those women and finding out about them. I would very much enjoy further conversation with them. But, I would need to find some way of standing with my integrity of what I feel the power of women is versus what we were celebrating as the power of women. It's a generational thing, I know. I would bet that some of the other women were profoundly moved last night.

I just wished I had been more myself - rather than faking it.