I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter.

My family member who can best push my buttons, but also might be right on (thus pushed my buttons) told me over my short visit (in the midst of a "discussion") that she worried about me - worried that I was too hard on myself and set an impossible bar for myself.

I came back from that break and worked these last two days. Within these two days I've had face-to-face contact with perhaps 8 people from my congregation. Three of these eight people had separate conversations with me talking about how they thought about me - one - how it must be hard to be new in a city with such a big job. Two others (at separate times) about how this was an enormous job and that I needed to make sure I took care of myself. I also reread an e-mail today from a colleague that was applauding some self-care boundary setting I'd done.

Wow! It brings to mind the old joke/sermon illustration of the man caught in a flood standing on his roof praying for God to save him - a boat, a helicopter and some other mode of transportation all come by offering help, but he says no, 'cause he's waiting for the Lord. Well - duh! God works through people! God must have understood that I needed that many people and in those particular ways telling me to pay better attention to self care.

So, I'm taking next Thursday off. Next week I am going to set up an appointment with one of the three spiritual directors I've been led to. Also, in the next two weeks I'm going to finally call the person who I've thought might be a good "synod mentor." I've got other plans as to how to monitor myself, but I don't know that I need to list them all here.

Self-care is so important, but it's so easy to let go of. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by the big job and let others fill my schedule. It's so easy to feel despair over not being able to finish everything. But, as I tell so many others, I've got to make sure that I am healthy...not just physically (oh yeah, what was that about a gym?), but spiritually, emotionally and socially too.

These posts have been depressing lately - I've been overwhelmed and undernourished. Thankfully, God keeps sending people to save me from the flood of.....hmm, not despair, not loneliness, self-destruction. Yup, that's it.

Merry Christmas

My last post seems so depressing. In actuality, within hours of posting it things began to turn around. My parents are coming out for New Year's Eve. Which, considering I can't stay out very late due to work obligations early the next morning, and considering that I'm single, is the best thing I think could have happened. Now I get to spend New Year's with people I love, and not feel like a fuddy duddy for leaving before the ball drops.

Also, I was cued into a flight between here and my parents' home for an incredibly reasonable price. Which means I get more time with family and friends and less time in the car (almost 10 hours less travel time!)

However, I've been back at the teary stage, but this time I can point fingers. I'm stressed. It's 8 am on Christmas Eve morning and I haven't finished my sermon for tonight and barely begun my sermon for tomorrow morning. (Uff! Just remembered - children's sermon for tomorrow!) Also, a parishioner that I've been steadily visiting in the hospital died yesterday, and due to plane tickets I will not be doing the funeral. That feels really hard to give it up. It's the second time I've gone on vacation, and the second time I've had to ask another pastor to step in to preside at the funeral.

So, I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I'm surrounding myself with Christmas music. I've got my tree lights on. I'm wishing everyone I see "Merry Christmas." But, because of this whole worship leadership thing, I'm losing sight of some of the beauty and mystery.

I do wish that for everyone - A Merry Christmas, where the wonder of the gift of God is felt.

Bad Mood

Why have I been on the edge of crying for the last few days? They haven't been altogether stressful (or at least no more than usual). I've had some good rewarding moments - some good interactions, some good preparatory work done. It's not what has been happening that has gotten me down. Today as I talked with dear friend, Belle, I realized that it's because I'm looking towards a crappy holiday season.

The time when my family has it's normal celebration, I'm going to be preparing for the next day's worship service. The time when other people are opening presents from extended family members and eating ham? I'm going to be driving for 6 hours. The time when people are toasting out the old year and toasting in the new? Yet another lonely night at home while getting ready for worship the next day.

At least that's what it's looking like now. I could do something differently on New Year's Eve. I don't have a sermon that Sunday. I do hope to go to a late evening worship service Christmas Eve. I've got time to plan it. I just need to put the energy into it.

Exercise Count: 2

Check in...

At my first real full-time work place we had weekly staff meetings with "check-ins" where we shared what was going on in our lives because that completely fed into our work. So, here is my somewhat organized Check-In.

WORK: is good - challenged by office administration and today had to be a bit of a....umm, best clean word? - well, let's just say I had to lay down the law a bit.

Yesterday's soup kitchen was amazing in the people that I got to be a pastor to - and the ways I got to be part of people's lives. It was also cool because one of my Catholic colleagues was there because his parish is going to take over one night a month, so they were learning the ropes. I felt as each person (of various backgrounds and need-base) approached me that it validated the importance of what we are doing.

Today I planned all of the holiday worship service - which I do enjoy. I'm excited about a couple of the services, and two might take some extra work gathering others to be involved, but I'm excited to do it - to get people involved. However, because of certain office administration challenges I sacrificed a lunch break (before realizing that I hadn't had breakfast) - so I became a bit crabby.

SOCIAL LIFE: Good, because I've already had two social occasions of the week - but it is still very much missing the intimate quality. I think a couple of friends are getting there - but there are other things I miss - and miss out on. Overall - at this particular moment I am feeling lonely. Aching with loneliness, really. My plan is to go to bed with a good book and good music.

EXERCISE: Decent - because I can count bowling on Sunday - and shoveled for about 2 hours today. But, I'm not counting it until Friday...so we'll see what tomorrow brings...

Reports

Report #1
At my Grandparents' home these past few days, not only did I finish the square for the quilt I'm knitting (I don't have a pattern, I'm just knitting squares. Maybe it won't turn out) but I also finished my second sock! Now I have a pair!

Report #2
I signed the cousins up to help provide the Christmas celebration meal. The siblings are bringing soups and the Grandparents are providing bread and cookies. When the siblings were looking around, trying to figure out how to beef up the meal (so to speak) I piped in saying that my generation could take care of it. As one of only 2 cousins there at the time I hope no one minds that I spoke for them. We are between the ages of 23 and 31 - we should be able to pull our weight.

Report #3
My congregation has no plan for snow removal. It snowed yesterday. I spent 2 hours shoveling snow today (in 2 one-hour increments) so that the city doesn't come through to clear it for us (costing us a lot of money). I enjoyed myself, but would have had a much more enjoyable day (maybe even able to take advantage of the presence of a certain Chicago friend in town at her folks) if I had been able to just concentrate on my sermon and get out of there.

Report #4
Said snow shoveling (as well as Wednesday's snow shoveling) are my exercises for the week.
I never did make it to the Y last week. I'll be checking it out soon.
Exercise = 2

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for Christ

Umm. True Confession. So, I actually used the description of the Transformers and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in my sermon today (like when they come together to form one big being and the command center is in the head - ie. Jesus as the head of the body of Christ). And people liked it, they said it helped them relate a bit...at least the ones that said something.

I fear I dumb things down a bit too much sometimes. There's a book title that I remember called Reaching Out Without Dumbing Down by Marva Dawn. I don't know that I have read it, but the title sticks in my head. I wonder, when am I simply using creative imagery and when am I going too far.

Brute Strength

I've been making a few references to childhood toys and cartoons lately. It just seems to fit. Like, the description of Jesus as the head of the church - with the people the body - that is in the second reading for this Sunday makes me think of Transformers (or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers that I grew to love as a college-age babysitter). When the robot or the very large power ranger - I'm not exactly sure what it is - comes together, or transforms - there Jesus is...in the control tower, so to speak. He's calling the shots, directing where things should go and moving this big clunky body forward to do good (or in the case of the cartoons, fight the bad guy). So, is that where the black and white pictures of good and evil come from? Cartoons.

Anyway, back on topic. The most recent childhood cartoon to pop into my head is She-Ra...who, I am sorry to admit I sometimes confuse with Jem...even though they are completely different. They must have been on one right after the other or something. She-Ra popped into my head as I was thinking about what it means to be strong. And, She-Ra's strength is not the kind of strength that I want or have.

Bellerina brought me to tears with a blog of hers in which she referred to me as strong. When I think about it, my back gets straighter and my resolve deeper...and I cry. I want to write about strength, but at the moment I don't think I truly can - I've got too much else going on in my mind to think clearly about it. But, that's what I'm thinking about right now. What does it mean for me to be strong? Where do I see strength in others?

This week's exercise: 0 (but on my list for today is to check out the Y)

Amused? Naw - Amazed.

I have been incredibly amazed lately at how much people are willing to allow me into their lives. The good, the bad, the joyous, the mournful. And how much people remember what I say. It's scary, really! But, at the same time - I have to trust that the Spirit has some pull there - and is moving within people just as much as, if not more than, she is moving in me.

Exercise for last week: one (bummer!)

The pastor and the single girl

Scene - cold windy day, I'm dropping my car off in the driveway of a parishioner who lives 5 houses down from me. I will be out of town for a few days and will not be able to abide by this city's parking stipulation of alternating sides of the street according to the day.

I am standing outside talking to this dear, dear saint - who also happens to be very good at spreading information when an attractive (ringless) man with a very nice dog and adorable child comes by. He and the parishioner start up a conversation as he is obviously checking me out (I swear...I don't believe I usually think someone is when he isn't...I might sometimes be oblivious, but I don't think I overestimate myself).

As one who is intensely private about such things, I kept quiet...in another circumstance, I'm not sure that I would.

He turned around a couple houses down and headed back in our direction as the dear saint and I were finishing our conversation. It almost worked that the attractive man and myself would have been walking together, except that as I started to walk away the dear, dear parishioner called me back for further conversation. (Minnesota goodbyes are not just in Minnesota). Ah well - it could just be that he's just one not to wear rings and maybe I looked familiar to him or something. Who knows.

The pastor and the single girl are at odds with each other sometimes.

Clubbin'

Abba sometimes begins her posts by listing her workout accompaniment. In the past, my most successful workout regiments have been when I've had someone who has held me accountable, mainly by working out with me. I don't have that here, at least not yet.** One friend of a friend and I have gone on a few walks together, but there is no set regimen.

I have an athletic club plan. I am going to get week long memberships for weeks that I am here until the new year. I will be trying out each of these athletic clubs as I go and will be able to make a decision around the new year, hopefully around a time when such athletic clubs have a discount for joining. My plan has been aided by two continuing education weeks that have allowed me to exercise other places, as well as some beautiful weather here that has made it all but impossible to stay inside doing work when I could be out being active. And so, I have just about 8 weeks left of this year - or I should say, about 6 weeks where it would be worth it to try a club. I know of 4 such clubs that I want to try out anyway.

The trick though, will be trying to make sure I do keep exercising as I seek a club and after I've joined. And so, my dear blog perusers, you are my accountability piece. Each week I will report what physical exercise I have completed. And so, let it begin. This week I ran (outside, on beautiful days) on Monday and Wednesday this week. I hope to do some kind of physical activity tomorrow as well...but I suppose I can't report that if I haven't actually done it. So - I exercised twice this week. So, this week's magic number is two.


**One friend has mentioned the possibility of trying to join the same athletic club...perhaps with the intent to attend similar classes or workout together?

Right Neighborly - or not

I had a run-in tonight. It happened about four hours ago and I'm still a little shaky.

No, it wasn't an accident - although it did involve my car. No, my physical safety wasn't in danger. No, it had nothing to do with work (although I definitely used some conflict resolution skills).

My doorbell rang a little before 7. Tonight was my neighborhood's trick-or-treat night (Halloween is huge here!). I expected that it was some kids. Instead it was a man, his sister and I think his brother-in-law. The brother and sister are sibling of a woman who lives across the street.

When I came home tonight there was very little room on my street to park. Being most recently from Chicago, this was not really a problem for me. As I squeezed my way into a tiny spot I did realize that my bumper was touching the car ahead of me (without very much room behind me). There was plenty of room for the car ahead of me to get out, but the offense I committed came in because my car was touching the man's car. (And let me say, I understand that I was in the wrong in this way and that people are protective of cars and paint jobs).

Well, I stepped outside, confused because I didn't see any kids. The sister aggressively asked if my car was my car and when I affirmed that it was proceeded to yell and swear at me. She kept asking me questions but gave no time for an answer (and then got more riled up when I didn't answer).

My legs were shaking, but I stayed standing. I soon ascertained that there was no way for me to talk to the sister - and when I discovered that the car in fact was the much calmer brother's, I talked with him. He and I left on good terms. I apologized and said that it wasn't all that unusual of a thing to happen where I had recently been, but that I understand that this is a different situation and I will not park so closely again. I apologized again and asked if there was any other way for me to respond.

The thing I don't understand completely, and would love to have someone explain to me, is why this was such an affront to them. I wonder if they thought it was a personal attack? I wonder what else it was that I did that contributed to the hostility from the sister. When I asked if I could do anything else the brother said "I just don't understand." And it felt to me like it was as serious as if someone had killed a kitten for no reason. I need some help understanding myself, it seems.

A half hour later I saw the woman who owns the house across the street outside and so I sucked in all the courage I could and went over and introduced myself, reiterating that I had not intended any offense and that I was sorry that we were just finally meeting because of this to-do. She was very nice and I think she and I are on good terms.

I've not been a very social neighbor. I've introduced myself to neighbors on either side and say hello when I pass someone, but that is not often. I have not gone out of my way here - partly because I'm in the mode of frequent moving around and apartment dwelling. This really made me appreciate all the more the importance of knowing one's neighbor.

Found it

Service (and sermon) completed. Still a busy day tomorrow. But, on the other side of the service I realized as soon as I started talking with the family again that that is where I get my motivation. To meet people where they are. To laugh with them and to cry with them - but most of all to know that God loves them and that they need not fear what is after their time on earth - for them or for their loved ones.

It's really not so hard to find motivation when I consider the people.

Lack of Motivation

Warning to the case sensitive - multiple inappropriate capitalizations ahead.

Memorial Service in 2 hours - sermon and service all set.

full day tomorrow of Administrative and Pastoral related activities (Committal, Interview a candidate to Fill a Staff position, Visiting someone about to enter the Hospital, Sermon Writing).

Today a day off filled with the Computer, Newspaper, Telephone calls. I have yet to leave the house for the day.

I'm having a hard time Caring about any of what I am Supposed to care about. I want to be Entertained. I'd rather have people caring for me (or a Mutual exchange) than this One-Way street that I'm Feeling right now.

Don't get me wrong - I care about the People to whom I'm ministering. And more Often than not I Receive care back. It just feels Shallow.

(And, as if you couldn't tell I'm feeling melancholy). I have to Ask "What's my Motivation?"

Handling It

When someone says "I can handle it" my ears perk up a bit and I take a little note. This phrase says to me that the "it" is something to handle and thus something that may cause a bit of anxiety or difficulty - or at the very least wear the person down a bit.

I only notice this because of my own experience. There are periods in my life where I look back and wonder how in the world I "handled it." Times that I have been worn raw and so emotionally scourged I couldn't cry. Times when I couldn't look to what was happening next week because it was all I could do to cope with the challenges of the present one.

The speaker at the conference I just attended was James Cone (or another site). His presentations were remarkable - one was on "The Problem of Race" and basically gave a 9 step process about how to go about addressing the problem within a community, particularly a religious community. Cone had us examining the cross from the perspective of a lynching tree in the second lecture - amazing in so many different angles and reminders of how we are all in this community together and yet we do not recognize Christ in our neighbor.

Anyway - as he responded to questions afterwards he was telling the history of who it was that stepped forward corporally to defend and fight with people in the South. He mentioned that as a body Jews stepped forward to fight for civil rights, but white protestants were shamefully missing. He was challenged by someone who himself had gone down - but Cone's response challenged the "I did it" mentality - especially when one begins to feel proud for where they are.

This brings me back to "handling it." Because, looking back - I can not imagine how I succeeded, but if it wasn't me that was doing the work - then it's possible. I can handle it - because I'm not the one who is handling it. When things do feel like they get to be too much, I shut down and move automatically. It's then, that I have to believe, that the Holy Spirit takes over. I can handle it because I let go.

I haven't figured out how to function normally and let go - I can only let go when there is no where else for me to go. And, I do not aim to get to that place on purpose. This helps me reinterpret parts of my life and the telling of those parts - it wasn't that I did anything but stuck within a given situation, letting go of anything but that I should be there.

Time for a change of pace

The Top Ten Indicators that I'm in need of a break

1. I easily become defensive
2. I cry when someone says something nice to me
3. Television or book characters become my friends
4. I get paranoid (as one friend aptly noticed) about my friendships - that I may offend
5. Even with a lot of friends, it's hard to reach out and call
6. I take too much responsibility for other people's mistakes
7. Small annoyances produce out-of-proportion responses (ie. my darn landlady's dogs are howling and I feel like swearing at them and stomping on the floor - not like that would work)
8. It's hard to think into the future - even 12 hours
9. Cooking becomes less important, but eating more
10. Feeling guilty for non-productivity on days off

I'd say that I'm currently at a 4 out of 10 scale here (#s 2, 4, 5 and 7). I certainly don't feel guilty for this day off - I'm looking forward to making dinner but I'm not really hungry, and since I'm reveling in my laziness today I'm not really having to deal with #s 1 and 6. Now, if only those darn dogs would shut up! I'd be a much healthier person (maybe I need to add an 11, blaming others for my annoyance...naw, anyone would be aggravated by persistent howling.)

I do get some kind of break. I have today off of course - and tomorrow should not be too stressful. And then we have continuing education Monday and Tuesday where I get to go be with others who do this same kind of work (with an extra bonus dinner for those of us in our first 3 years). I know that is work and that I will be tired after those days, but I think it will be good for my soul to have some of that collegiality. A time to commiserate, a time to laugh, a time not to be in charge (yay!).

I'm not looking to this continuing ed as a break so much as a change of pace. It will be nice to not have the same level of responsibility.

Reeking of normality...in a good way

Last night I had a topic in mind, but I thought that I would wait until today to write. Today, the topic must have wandered off to dream land.

It was a positive topic, that I know. Things seem to be going pretty well for me currently. I have been taking advantage of a trial week at a gym that may just get that $40 a month from me. I am enjoying work - feeling like I am making a difference, feeling like things have made the turn for the positive, having other people say that they are noticing that turn. I not only got a phone call this week from my grandparents (who generally call on birthdays and send cards at other times) but also from my brother (my brother!) who rarely calls...and he actually talked this time!

I also have had a pretty normal life lately. I had a "meeting" w/ a guy - not a date, I don't think...and not the guy for me, but it reeked of normality. I also got together with friends to hear a band on a Saturday night - a Saturday night! True, it was an accordion Band, and yes, they did play the Laverne & Shirley theme song, but really - that's how I know it's Milwaukee. And at the end of this week a friend is coming to visit since she's at a conference in Madison this week.

I could settle into this, and feel good about this. Nothing hugely exciting, nothing horribly traumatic. Those things are okay from time to time, but it is nice to be able to come home at the end of the day and not be all worked up.

One of my favorite links.

I'm not asking permission to direct y'all to one of my dear friend's blogs.

She has recently decided to go comment-free - which just means that I have to comment here that I'm loving her site so much. The combination of her beautiful artwork, her blatant political commentary and her own musings and passions being exposed have been wonderful for me to observe.

Please check out Bellarina's site.

Thanks.

Settled

This used to be a word I scorned. If someone was settled, what change could happen in his or her life? What adventures were ready to happen? What challenge? What growth?

But now, I crave it. I've been building up to this point for a couple of years. It first had to do with the desire not to move every single year. Then, I began imagining owning a dog (even though allergies would require one of the hairless variety). And now, I am thinking about purchasing a house. Let me stress 'thinking.' I have a little bit of saving to do, and a lease until the end of June. Even at that point I'll probably wait another year. But I am thinking about it.

I saw a number of friends who are in or heading towards that good settled place. How pleased I am for them! I don't know that I was or could have been before.

The difference is between settled and settling and then there is just plain old stagnation. I aim for settledness - and rejoice with my friends who are finding their way there too.

3 Months (the long and the short of it)

I started my current call 3 months ago. In three months time I have learned

1. I can write a sermon in 3 hours time
2. Most of the time those sermons aren't very good, but every once in a while a winner comes out of a short mad writing spree
3. I can lead a Bible Study on the texts for the week using the same prep I used for my sermon
4. When I lose my keys (easily up to four times a day) they are usually in the same place on my desk.
5. Some days it is very easy to come home and not think about work.
6. Other days there is no way I can get work out of my head.
7. It can take three months of regular visits to (finally) be able to navigate a hospital, especially one that has been frequently remodeled.
8. It can take (only) three minutes of heartfelt listening to help another feel as if someone cares and will listen.
9. It can take three weeks (or more) for appreciation of a particular sermon to come back to you.
10. It can take three seconds to stick your foot in your mouth - especially during times of prayer when some sort of eloquence and care should be involved.
11. I need to remind myself to take back the gobs of extra time I have put in.
12. Even when I intend to take a full day for myself, one phone call from the son of an ailing woman can change those plans.
13. I do not need to respond to other people's urgencies (except perhaps in cases such as #12). Ok, further clarification as to what some of these urgencies might be: need to know what the council has decided, need to hire someone for a position as volunteers are filling in. Urgencies that are not life/death.
14. It hurts when people (outside of my congregation) question and doubt that I am a pastor - or assume that there must be other pastors from my congregation.
15. Many of my parishioners and others with whom I come into regular contact do think of me as pastor - with no questions.

Unintentional

I unintentionally lied in my last post. I think I might very well be working as much as I did in school - but only for this week. I've only worked 4 days this week and I've worked over 40 hours. On my day off (today) not only do I have a wedding rehearsal, but I have to attempt to prepare for the wedding rehearsal (my first ever in a leadership role) and I should probably write the sermon for the wedding.

When it comes right down to it, I am unintentionally working way more than I think is necessary. But, I'm not goofing off. We had a number of new programming things this week, there were a couple of meetings off church grounds, and, perhaps most of all, there were a few new hospital and nursing home visits to make.

The thing is, I feel like I accomplished things this week. And yet there is still so much to do. I feel though, as if I'm getting things in place so that I don't have to reinvent the wheel every single week. And, people are starting to turn to me as pastor. I still get the surprised looks and funny comments when people first realize that I'm the pastor - the only pastor. But, those who are members of the congregation are accepting me, and in some cases end up "defending" me to those who question (I tend not to defend, just state the obvious, "Yes, I'm the pastor. Yes, I'm new and early in my career. Yes, I'm younger than 30. Yes, I'm a woman.")

Finally, this week, even amidst all of my busyness I've somewhat unintentionally had a social life with a few different groups of people, non of them members of the congregation. Actually, if I count last Friday in the mix, I've socialized (in a purely social way) with five different groups of people! And that is with my crazy work week.

So, yeah. I'm exhausted - but I'm managing to accomplish what I need to. And, I'm having fun outside of work too.

Now, if only I could unintentionally exercise...

Fewer hours + more responsibility = Worn Out

This morning I woke up tired. Two long days behind me, four long days ahead of me with not enough time to accomplish everything I think I need to do. Yet, I probably am running around quite a bit less than I ever did in either schooling experience I've had. I just have more responsibility. And that makes me tired.

I think I'm doing what I need to in order to take care of myself. My social calendar has been quite full of late. I'm for the most part making sure that my day off has very little to do with work and doing my best to take time on both Saturday and Sunday away from everything. But ahead of my this weekend - a wedding rehearsal on my day off and the wedding on Saturday. That means two sermons, both of which are brewing in my head, but neither of which have anything on paper.

I've discovered that the weeks immediately before council meetings and immediately following council meetings are the busiest. Committees trying to get things done before and picking up the decisions that were made afterwards.

So, now, I've got to go and get ready for my day. I'm 1/2 way through my first cup of my regular 2 cups of coffee and a shower will feel good - and then it's off to the workplace.

Odds and Ends

Each of these could be their own entry - and I reserve the right to do so in the future - but for now they're short and to the point.

+ I am now sportin a new ride. My brother's vehicle (on loan to me as he attempts to live simply) is only about one year younger than my (now former) car, but it's in much better shape.

+ I have finally purchased a bed. Actually, I did this a couple weeks ago. I am now the owner of a "big girl bed" and have moved the "nun bed" into the guest room. Of course, moving from the nun bed to the big girl bed does not change the contents in any way - but there is a lot more room to spread out on.

+ I have support in my job! And, I got things done this week! And...well, okay, my sermon isn't done - but it's well on its way!

+Tomorrow is my day off, but in some ways it will be a working day off because I need to pay bills, start looking for an accountant, get a dress fitted, get the car's oil changed. But, I also get Monday off - whoo-hoo! Chi-town, here I come!

+ I've successfully unhooked myself from a web that eats up my time! I got a little hooked on checking up on the live feeds of the show Big Brother. Can you blame me? I'm in a new city by myself, and these people were letting me into their lives. But, once my free 2 weeks ran out, I have let it go! I don't even read the web sites (well...as much). I still watch the show when I can though.

+ Babies, babies, babies! It seems as if they are popping out all over the place. (I don't mean to be crass, that is truly how I feel - it seems I turn my head and another friend is all of a sudden holding a wriggling infant in his or her arms). Three years ago it was weddings, weddings, weddings, although only one of those couples are new parents. This is so much fun - new life and new joy...and that I don't have to be up with them at night. Bring on the kids! (Just not in my family yet, please).

Two days later...

Here it is, two days later and although I'm exhausted, I feel like competent Pastor again. Over the course of Tues to Wed I worked a full 24 hours. Today was all about getting the newsletter out, getting the bulletin ready and now, finally, I get to work on my sermon.

I've learned it's better for me to leave the office when I want to write a sermon. I work better at my home office. It might be comfort level, it might be the lighting (I actually wonder if it's my keyboard at work that is difficult to type on), but I just am more inspired at home.

Two days later - I've had some deep conversations with some, been brushed off by others, helped plan a large event, visited a woman in a nursing home, met for a text study with other clergy, finalized some staff transitions and actually took some time to study the Bible. Two days later and I'm remembering what I'm doing here and why I'm doing it.

Phew!

If I were superstitious...

I would think it was me. As an intern people died either right before I was about to visit them or immediately after I did. Now, with as much as I can say about my situation - let's just say that there is a major staff rejuvenation in the works.

If I was superstitious I would think it was me. If I was egocentric I would thing it was me (phew, maybe I'm not as egocentric as I think). I know it's not me, but, as with the multiple deaths, I'm marveling at the timing. Marveling isn't quite the right word...but I'm too tired to figure out what is.

Following the same subject - work - I'm really having to learn how to draw my boundaries. Boundaries have often come very easy for me - but I'm finding it quite difficult as I feel continuously placed in the middle of situations that it's not necessary I be in. It takes so much more work to sit silent or redirect - making sure people are communicating with each other rather than it go through me. It would be so much easier if I just did everything - but I don't have that kind of time nor do I want that authority - nor is it my call. I am here to empower others. But it's hard to remember that when someone asks "What are you going to do about that?"

I'm exhausted and have cried more in the last two days than I think I have all year. I'm not exactly sure why - other than I'm not in control and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I continue to feel like I'm in the right place and that I am doing the work I am called to do. And, I have hope and trust that I will get to the point where this will come more naturally. (I also have some very good resources and outlets that I have begun to use - so I'm taking some good steps both professionally and personally, but it doesn't fix everything right away).

If I were superstitious I would believe my horoscope from Sunday (the day of my official installation as pastor of this church) that contained among the prophecy, "...it's not the best day to make a commitment or promise. Change is headed your way..." But, I'm not superstitious and I will follow through with those promises I made - but the only way I'll be able to is because of the second part of the phrase I used to promise - "I will, and I ask God to help me." I ask you to ask God to help me too.

Beautiful Katy

I suppose it's not fair that I get to keep my anonymous status and in a past blog I ratted out my brother, and here I'm going to rat out my sister.

My beautiful sis is pictured as one of the performers for the Minnesota Fringe Festival. Go to this link, click on Sunday, August 7th (it mentions the title of Katy's performance "We As Makers" in the description on that day). When the window comes up, rather than paging forward through all the people who aren't my sister, page backwards (the button in the upper left) 4 & 5 times to see Kates.

Where did I store that supply of anti-loneliness potion?

Yup, it's hit. I'm not mopey or feeling sorry for myself, but I am noticing a starkness to my life. I'm feeling lonely. I've got some friends here, and some plans to spend time with said friends later this week, but I am feeling that umph in the gut that craves being known and loved.

I think Sunday afternoons are especially hard, and I need to remember that. Sunday afternoon, after an intense morning, is the time when I want to be with people, but not have to expend much energy. I want to be comfortably in the presence of another. I want to easily pick up and go somewhere for dinner or entertainment without having to figure it all out myself.

I do like to spend time by myself - this afternoon I read the Sunday paper while I watched part of a movie on tv (Evita, which is why I turned it on, for the music. I kept it on because someone had mixed up the reels and the movie was in three parts. The station showed the third part first, then the second part, then the first part. It made me laugh). I read a book in this gorgeous weather. I talked to my mom and my brother. I contemplated shopping for a new bed, but decided I'd much rather stay on my deck reading that book, and I made dinner. Not a bad afternoon...but I do miss the comfortable familiar.

I know this will just take time. I am in the process of making friends with whom I will be comfortable, and I know that I will frequently get to see some other already close friends who are close by (as I did on Friday and had a fabulous time). But, this is where I am now, and it's hard.

F.R.s

A former roommate once lamented the fact that she really did not have any good nicknames that people used for her. I understand that lament. Nicknames denote a closeness, and have a story behind them.

Another former roommate and I share a semi-secret nickname that still stops me in my tracks when I hear it, in a good stop-in-my-tracks sort of way. It's an endearment, or at least it is said that way, and the word still surprises me and that it is used in context with me.

It surprises me so much sometimes that I am not sure how to respond - I just let the name wash over me and feel special.

Bumps in the Road - Hazards? or Speed Humps?

"I'm doing alright, but if you'd asked me last week it would have been a different answer. Let's just say I had a few bumps."

So I said this afternoon to a fellow fabulous female frocked one (hee!). And, yeah, I did have a few bumps last week. They didn't end the honeymoon, but they were not the highlight of it either. But these bumps meant that I was challenged - I had to think like a pastor, not just react. I had to take myself out of it in some ways, because it wasn't about me - it was about me being my role.

These bumps never threatened to derail me or cause me to bottom out completely, but they did 'cause me to slow down a bit. It is a long, and somewhat winding journey ahead - I can't see how far this goes or what we'll come upon before we reach the end. Right now I'm not even sure when the next curve is...but I think we just came around one. And the bumps are just part of the journey. However, maybe I should look into better shocks.

What's wrong with me? I'm not lonely!

As I was sitting on my back porch, watching downtown Milwaukee's fireworks tonight I realized something: I'm not lonely. True, I've only been here for, ah, let's see - two weeks as of tomorrow. True, I do interact with people regularly at work. True, I greatly miss friends and family. True, I do have a friend or two here. BUT - I'm not lonely...and I am amazed.

I know there will be times that I will be lonely - if there were lonely times when I was in Chicago surrounded by many, many friends there will be times that I will be lonely here. I've always had times of loneliness even when surrounded by many close friends. But, amazingly enough, this is not one of them (either the loneliness or the being surrounded by close friends).

I am enjoying a bit of this isolation. I am enjoying the time to myself. I'm reading - fiction, non-fiction. I'm working...I don't think more than I should, but sometimes it's been hard to stop because I've been having so much fun. I'm exercising. I'm socializing a small bit.

I'm in awe of this feeling. Maybe it's different than the year I spent in Texas because I know that within 2 hours are a number of friends who have known me for some time. Maybe it's different because there are at least three times in the next two months where I know I will be spending time with friends or family who know me well...and that's all that I really require. Maybe it's different because I just moved here and the loneliness hasn't set in.

Regardless of why - I am grateful for this time to not be lonely. I just with I could bottle it up and save it for the inevitable times of loneliness in the future. (And to market it to others.)

She's Baa-aack

I've been a reticent poster lately, not because of desire but because of access to private internet. But now, I've got it. I just successfully set myself up (with the help of a lovely CD-Rom) with internet access in my home.

I am feeling very protective of my privacy right now which is a bit silly. I assume that most, if not all, of you reading this knows who I am...and probably knows more about me than I share in these pages. Yet, I treasure being known as Amused. I like having a code name and very little actual fact. I enjoy figuring out ways to say a specific detail in such a way that it remains somewhat ambiguous.

I'm not all that intriguing of a person - but I like the option to be. On a flight from Providence, RI with a friend I recounted that when I was flying to and fro a bit more frequently (and by myself) I would pretend that I was terrified of flying. I stopped pretending because I started to convince myself that I was and I just didn't need a phobia that I didn't have to begin with. Anyway, I would sit in my sit and steal myself for the take off and the landing, glancing around to see if anyone was paying attention to my fear.

It's a bit of pretending to be someone I'm not...which perhaps has been good practice as I begin a career by pretending to be someone I want to be. I'm hoping that the same instinct that began to really feel fear as I pretended, will kick in and I'll really feel confident and like a leader.

'Til then, I'll just keep my secret, Amusing identity wrapped around my shoulders.

Calgon, take me away...

It's hot and muggy and I am supposed to be packing to move as well as packing for the trip I leave on tomorrow at 7:30 am. But, I'm restless. I have had so much to do and so many details to try to pay attention to - and at the present moment I'm just not organized to handle it. I keep thinking that if I can just get the next thing done I will be a bit saner. But I haven't come across that magic accomplishment that leads to sanity. I crossed off all but one thing on my extensive list for today - but I still have a number of things I'd like to accomplish yet tonight.

As in most cases, it will be better once I leave my door tomorrow at 7:30 and can't turn back. Once I am not able to pay attention to it for a short time and once I'm able to sit down on the plane and look forward to some relaxation, a movie, a book, planning a sermon (yes, even that feels relaxing at this point), sitting at the beach, hanging out with a dear friend, attending another dear friend's ordination and then flying back with yet another dear friend. What a whole heck of a lot (much of it relaxing) to look forward to! And, I know that I will be saner once I walk through my door.

Just as, I know I will feel saner once I've gotten into my new apartment (even if I don't have it all put together yet) and once I gotten to my parents' home before my ordination and I even believe that I will feel saner than I do now when I am beginning as Pastor Amused...because there is freshness, excitement, possibility and comfort in each of these things. And it is time to leave the old - and that is why I feel restless and want to run away. Not away from the old, but away from the leaving.

Called

I have been called to a congregation!
Informed on Sunday, continues to slowly slip its way into my conscious.
Ordination date set for June 18th in my home congregation.
I'm going to be a pastor - really? geez! yes! how?!?!?
UFF!

Hooting and Hollering

I'm in the middle of my final paper for my graduate school career. Other than one class period today in which I have very little responsibility, it is the last thing that I have to accomplish before I graduate. Yeah, I'd like to get my apartment a bit cleaner, and yeah, I plan to celebrate with banquets and parties, but it is the absolute last weight of academia left. One little page, single spaced (two pages double), with plenty to say. It is now just a matter of saying it so it makes sense.

I was standing on the corner this morning in the rain talking to a friend. We were having an all too serious conversation for 7:15 in the morning the Thursday before we graduate. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a second-year student (Middlers we like to call them) come out of his apartment and plod his way down the street until he saw us on the corner. At this point he ran towards us yelling "SENIORS RULE!" I felt like I was in high school, and I loved it!

Here at seminary we have things like special sending worship services and receptions to honor graduates - we stay pretty quiet about it, with little hooting and hollering (although we have a large group of us going to a dueling piano bar Friday night called "Howl at the Moon", maybe some hollering will happen there). So, to have someone who is not a senior excited for us - hooting and hollering - made my day.

Maybe we don't hoot and holler because we are reserved Lutherans. Maybe we don't because we worry that those who are not graduating will feel dejected (I could have used a softer word, but that's no fun!). Maybe some people think it is just not dignified and refined to hoot and holler(why do we have to be dignified and refined all the time anyway?). Maybe we don't because it takes energy to hoot and holler and we are scrambling to conserve our energy for the time when family arrives and when we will sit through a 3 hour worship service during which we graduate. Maybe I just have a powerful urge to hoot and holler because I am reaching for ways in which to procrastinate these last few paragraphs of academia.

So, in an effort to remain dignified, not subject anyone to dejection and conserve my energy I am refraining from hooting and hollering for the moment....at least until this paper is completed.

Marking Accomplishments

The day I graduated from college I plucked my first facial hair. Up until that point I had not noticed the sole, long dark hair protruding from my chin. It, and it's younger brothers and sisters, now encounter a tweezers regularly. Plucking hair has become one of my routines.

Yesterday, 10 days before I graduate from seminary, I found my first gray hair. Both of my parents didn't truly start turning gray until their early 50s. They've had a little bit of gray since I became a teenager, but even now at 57 their gray to brown/black hair is probably 1:1. This is all to say, I thought I had a long time before gray arrived. But now, this one little hair that isn't even very long has arrived.

As I left the restroom at school where I discovered it, I started envisioning myself with a full head of gray hair. There is something regal about a silver head. I know it won't happen for a while, but in some ways, I look forward to having the mark of maturity and good life that comes from a healthy head of silver hair - a bit like I want to have those nice smile lines around my eyes.

I'm not planning on more schooling anytime soon. Which is good - I can't imagine what I'd find by the time I graduated then...

Delightful Dan

People who have worked with me in the past have known that I tend to speak of my younger siblings quite often. I think that they are each quite amazing in their own way. I've got a dancing 2-year-younger sister and a brother, 6 years my junior.

My baby brother (from this previous post) will graduate from college in about a month with a BA in psychology and minoring in Philosophy and Religion. He has been accepted into Lutheran Volunteer Corps and will begin a year of service next August. Last Tuesday he called to let me know that he will be going to Oakland, CA and will be working at a place called Thunder Road, a place that works with adolescents overcoming alcohol, drug and nicotine addiction. I am so excited for my little bro' (Dan, thus this post's title) and look forward to hearing his experiences and seeing how he is impacted by this amazing work.

Seeking Metaphor

I'm in the middle of my denomination's call process - a call to ordination to be a pastor. I have had an interview and conversations are continuing. I am struggling to figure out how to go about an intentional process of discernment and have many ideas, but just don't know where to start.

As I flop about on the shore of the unknown I keep trying to make metaphors describe my situation. "The call process is like the beginning of a solitaire game, sometimes the games that seem as if you have no chance of winning are the ones that just seem to work out." "The call process is like the internet, sometimes speedy, sometimes slow - often bringing you to sites you never thought you'd chance upon."

These metaphors pop up in other places too - like when my dad mentioned that he looks forward to seeing white smoke over Milwaukee.

I am seeking metaphors - things that give insight and show truth, yet allow you to keep some perspective and distance. Maybe that is what I need to start to discern.

The Real, Jumbled, Acceptable ME

There are some days where my mind feels crystal clear and I'm sharp and feel as if I can respond well to any given situation. Then there are the days that I marvel that I make any sense whatsoever(like today). I think it often has to do with the place I am in my R.E.M. sleep cycle when I wake up.

Recently I've had a few occasions in which I said something really off-the-wall, out of the ordinary, funny, even, during these foggy days. Somehow though, I've been able to shrug off these incidents without feeling embarrassed or even like I need to explain myself to others.

This indicates to me that sometime in the last year I've become more confident in who I am. Humorously it means I don't feel like I always need to make sense, because I don't always make sense. I don't need to solve everything, because I am after all human - and no human can solve everything. I don't need to have all the answers or jump in every time I think I have an answer. And, when I do jump in with an answer and it isn't completely expressed well, it doesn't mean that my point isn't valid - just that only people who are really good at interpreting jumble can get anything out of it - that is okay. (Hmmm, is this beginning to be like the jumble - ah well).

Because of this extra confidence, I am being more me. And, it makes me feel like I am ready to do this ministry thing - because I'm aware of the whole me and how that works in ministry. I am aware of what I need for myself and what is needed for me to provide in my various roles.

I like this...I like liking me...I like feeling comfortable with who I present to the world and who I am that is private...I like this realness and knowing that it's not because of anything I've done that I'm acceptable. I think, after 28 years of life in the church, after 4 years of undergraduate work at a "church" school, after 4 years of seminary - I am finally realizing grace for myself.

Well, I'll be *fill in the blank*

On the Chicago UPN station at 7 am on weekdays a miraculous thing happens. If one turns to that station a time machine pops up in the living room and those late twentysomethings and early thirtysomethings are transported back to their childhoods...to a time when Strawberry Shortcake was manufactured on every possible item and the Smurfs were on tv.

That's right, the Smurfs are on tv! On network tv, not cable! And I watched them this morning as I remembered sprawling in front of the tv with my dad (a closeted Smurf fan) as he supposedly read the paper and I took in the adventures of the little blue beings.

My 6 year old brain never caught the strange ways the Smurfs use language and now that I'm paying attention I think we should adopt the Smurf ways. In this particular 15 minute episode (because the Smurfly creators can of course compose an entire story arc with suspense and moral to fit into 15 minutes) Smurf phrases kept catching my attention. My favorite was "Well, I'll be Smurfed" but then there also was, "That wasn't very Smurfly." The word Smurf is more than a noun, but a verb and an adverb as well - I bet we could figure out the adjective if we tried.

I'm not suggesting that we should adopt the word "Smurf" and its variations, but perhaps another word that better describes us. "Well, I'll be peopled!" might work, but I don't think "That wasn't very peopley" sounds very good. The word human in the same context would sound funny as well. Maybe if we considered the Smurfs as a separate nationality rather than species and so we would say "Well, I'll be Germaned (or Irished, Brazilianed, Japaned)" and "That wasn't very USly (or Russianly, Tanzanianly, Indianly)." We would have to be careful to speak only of our own heritage here. I'm not sure this is the answer.

This started out as humorous musings, but as I think about the different ways that we identify ourselves I realize that certain religious terms would fit quite well into the scheme. But, I don't want to put those in. What phrase can we come up with to use as an exclamation or expletive? What can possibly as cool as "Smurf"?

The Music Challenge

I've been tagged by Abba (of Ligature fame) to take the music challenge. Here goes:

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
- 448 files downloaded primarily from my CD's with some of my roommate's as well. A couple of strange songs came with the computer itself.

What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?
- Well, the first time I read the message, I don't remember. The second time I believe it was a song from the "Don't Mess With Texas Music" CD. This time, I think it was a blues tune. Can't tell you what, but probably by either Miles Davis or John Coltrane.

Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
1) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. It's found on "The Dance" CD which also brings me another favorite, "Bleed to Love Her." It's just good, heartfelt music. I get the same feeling that I get when I listen to certain Janis Joplin songs.

2) "Love Will Come To You" by Indigo Girls. It's hard to pick just one Indigo Girls' song, but this would be it if I had to. Despite the fact that it is schmoopy (and perhaps because it is) it has found its way onto mixes and being repeated. I suppose it could also be because I just really want to believe what the song says. I have it on the "Rites of Passage" album, although it could be on others.

3) U2 - Do I need to clarify? Yeah, I do, 'cause some of what they put out is fine, but it doesn't all get me in the gut like certain songs. "Grace," "Running to Stand Still," "Evolution" (purely 'cause the concert rocked and I felt euphoric as they entranced to this song), "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." These are found either on "Joshua Tree" or "All That You Can't Leave Behind." They each get me for different reasons, and I can rate them differently, but none over the other. I admit, this is the "in" group to be obsessed with, but I'd like to think that I like them despite that.

4) "I'll Rise" by Ben Harper. Yes, Abba, Ben Harper does it make it on my list. I do like him, but I don't know that I would put any of his albums in my top 5 album list. However, this fabulous song, with lyrics by Maya Angelou does make a mention in this top 5 list. Ask me next week, who knows. Even though it doesn't make my top 5 albums (because compilations always do better for me than one artist) "Welcome to the Cruel World" is a great album.

5) Only one more left? Geez! Well, because I've found myself replaying this song more than once lately I'm going to choose as my last (for this time) song as "Love is Everywhere" by Bob Schneider. I have it on my favorite compilation disc set "Broadcasts Volume 11"

Well, for this day, March 22nd, 2005 these are my favorites. Tomorrow they may be different.

Who are you going to pass this on to (3 people) and why?
Well, seeing as I only have 4 blogging connections and two of them have done this already, I'll pass it on to the two others who have not yet been tagged. These are two fabulous friends whom I greatly respect, particularly in regards to music. Both Bellerina and Meckhead will come up with some great possibilities.

P.S. This is my first ever post putting in links and I just had to celebrate what I hope to be successful linkage - yay!

An Adventure Waiting to Happen

From my place in southern Chicago I drive north on the Kennedy Expressway (really Hwys 90/94) towards the headquarters of my church denomination, O'Hare Airport, Ikea, etc. It's possible to take the express lanes, which are different than other express lanes that I've known in that they are not HOV (high occupancy vehicle) lanes but rather lanes where one is able to exit at only a few times. They are similar, I suppose to the express bus that only stops at certain locations along the route.

In my tenure in Chicago I've frequently taken this route. Every time I drive to my parents' home in St. Paul I drive this way. Along the way Highways 90 and 94 split - I most frequently take the one that travels closest along the previously mentioned sites and that ultimately brings me to my folks' house. When I take the express lanes I reach the point where 90 and 94 diverge and take the appropriate exit to continue along 90 - but I yearn to take the very cool way to 94. In the express lanes when 90 and 94 split, not only do those that take this route get to use two lanes as they go, they also get to travel on a large bridgy-overpass. It looks like an adventure waiting to happen, and I want to take it.

I am now going to get the chance to take it, perhaps multiple times. I found out last night that I have been assigned to the Greater Milwaukee Synod!! I now get to take the route marked "Milwaukee," overpass and all. It is an adventure waiting to happen and I am thrilled!

Immeasurable Emotion

I was ready for adventure, for living in places that were of a different culture, people and accent. I was ready to have to fly home for family holidays and important events. But, I'm staying put.

Tonight, along with my classmates, I found out the area of the country I am assigned for my first call as a pastor. In our process we have the opportunity to provide preferences and ideas, but ultimately (with guidance from the Holy Spirit) bishops and other officials decide. I had preferenced three places, my top two choices being on either coast. I landed right in the middle at my third choice.

I am happy to be here. There are a lot of exciting possibilities and I will be closer to family. I know that a lot has yet to be decided and I trust the process and the Spirit's movement throughout.

And yet, I have to say goodbye to the dream of living out West with good friends and family. The dream of being able to visit "the mountain" on my day off. I have to give up the dream of living in the bustling East and being able to visit great cities that I've never been on my day off.

My emotions are mixed. They aren't bad or good - I can't measure them and weigh them. They just are. Jumbled with the excitement of what is to come is a letting go of what will not be.

Feline Fellowship

I hate cats.

It's not only that I'm horribly allergic to them. I don't like their unpredictability, their ability to creep quietly and their glowing eyes. I've had too many seemingly possessed cats stalk around the room quietly and suddenly streak by, leaving piles of fluff in their wake.

I've found that as I peruse the men on the web-based meeting service I subscribe to I am turned off by those who own cats and immediately become more interested if they say that they do not like them (in the section that asks which pets one does not like).

I told two close friends (and cat owners) about this tendency of mine and one came up with the following hypothesis: I am a cat.

I'm fiercely independent. Last month someone said to me "you're not very cuddly and fluffy, are you?" I'm not. I like to cuddle, but on my own terms. I'm curious - and sometimes get into things that I shouldn't. I have a lot of friends who really, really like cats. And, most of all, I don't like cats - they invade my space.

So - I think now I need to figure out how to embrace some fellow felines (without activating any allergies) and support them in their independence. I need to admire the traits that we share. Anyone have any insight on what I might discover?

Resisting the meddling urge...

I just got off the phone with my brother who visited with 3 friends the day before I left for my cruise (which was fantastic! I'd recommend cruising for others who like to relax and be entertained). I enjoyed the 1/2 day I got with my brother and his friends. I especially enjoyed talking with the sole, brave girl who came along.

In my family we have a bit of a "don't ask, tell when you want to" policy. I don't know who my brother dates because he doesn't talk about it. My sister and I are a bit more open, but we aren't ever asked in my family. But, I have the greatest urge to see if my brother is dating this very cool girl.

So, I just got off the phone with him and I said something about how she had been looking into some internships in museums in Chicago and he told me that she'd really liked me and "would want to be your friend." Now I want them to date even more. Is there any good way for an older sister to suggest this and not be too meddlesome? I've never thought before about who my future sister-in-law will be...

Musings on dreams and friendships

In between being asleep and awake I had a strange dream this morning that sent me back to college - a reunion actually. I was sitting at a table with some of my good friends and I just kept seeing person after person from college that I haven't thought of in a loooooong time. They were sitting at other tables or wandering around the hall. None of these acquaintances stopped to chat - but there they were, in my dream.

Last night I went to dinner with a friend and to my immediate left was a group of 5 college-aged boys who were talking (as my friend said "like I do with my girlfriends!") about relationships and meeting someone not connected to school and all those things that really do need to be discussed with close friends. It was fun to eavesdrop and catch some of the wisdom they had for one another. They discussed how it would be harder post-college to meet people - friends and dates - and how they were a little nervous about that.

And, yeah, outside of institutions of like-minded people it is hard to meet people. I've yet to really try to do it. I've always been in an institution of some sort. But, it has gotten harder post-college.

My friends - those who I sat with in my dream - are similar in some ways, but hugely different in others - from me and from one another. In seminary, my friends are much more similar - although our differences are surely evident. And, once I leave this place it's hard to imagine that I will meet much of a diversity of people - but I hope so. And, as I get older the friends that I do have get more diverse within their own lives. Marriage, babies, careers, living in different places will do that.

There's no moral - just some of my thoughts as I ponder my dream.

Did I jinx myself?

Update on the genetics class - I was the only one to sign up for it and so it will not be offered this spring. I'm disappointed.

Rest eternal*

Wow - two in one day! I must be writing a sermon.

I am - and that's what this post is about. I am writing a funeral sermon - for someone who hasn't yet died. It is for my class that is focusing on the rites of Weddings, Funerals, Healing and Ordination and we are to write either a wedding or a funeral sermon with the subjects being particular people.

The man I chose is a dear soul who I got to know on my internship. He is in his early 90's and has had a little bit of medical trouble, but not much. It's not expected that he will die soon - but neither is it expected that he will live for another 10 years. Regardless, I will not be the one giving the funeral sermon since I am no longer in that placement. How strange it feels.

Today in chapel we were invited during the prayers of the people to pray outloud for those who were in special need of healing. He was the first person to come to mind.

Also regarding death - if I was Lazarus, I think I was would have been pissed off! if Jesus brought me back to earthly life.

*Grant rest eternal is a phrase used in the burial rite.

Anyone figured out human cloning yet? (Or the ethics of it?)

It's a big week for me. Not only am I finishing up my J-term class, not only am I leaving for a week on a cruise (a cruise?!?) almost as soon as that class is done, but my little brother is coming through with a few friends.

I'm not the "cool" sister. I'm the oldest, the responsible, the one who hasn't had all that many interactions with him apart from at our parents' home. But I yearn to get to know this really fantastic brother of mine better.

The challenge is: we'll be out and about at night, but I have class at 8 am the next day and leave shortly after class from the above mentioned cruise. I want to be a cool sister who hangs out until the wee hours (especially 'cause that is what he is used to) but I'm just not a night owl.

I think I'll be cloning myself for the end of this week - just to do everything that I need/want to do. And, then both clones too will be acquiring the skill of insomnia (a skill?) to be able to spend time with the people that I want and complete the things I need to complete.

My last post talked about responsibility. And now it's not clear. What is my responsibility? To spend time with loved ones? to prepare for a time of rest and relaxation (self-care)? or to complete well something that is going to better my career? I'm not going to let any of them go - but my choice is going to mean that none of them will be done as well or thoroughly (or with enough time) as I would like.

On a tangent - next semester I'm taking a class on genetics and faith - perhaps more on cloning then.

Responsible Frivolity

I'm going on a cruise! Amazing, strange...more spontaneously than I usually do things. Friends found a great deal and asked if I'd like to go along too. 5 nights, with stops in Costa Maya and Cozumel.

Graduate school is not cheap, nor do I make much money. My life is provided for by loans and the minimal 10-hour a week job I am able to hold. I'm not extravagant, but I'm not incredibly stingy either. This cruise, however, feels extremely extravagant.

I talked this through a bit with my mom (who has always been a great financial advisor, helping to sort through what it would mean to spend or to save). She mentioned that it seemed somewhat strange that her children in their 20's were doing things like going on a cruise that she and my dad would not really think of doing. But then, feeling to me like a bit of permission and a bit of helping me rationalize, she said that there are certain things that we should do before we are loaded down with other debts and responsibilities. She equated this trip in some ways to her mid-college summer trip to Europe where she was a housemaid with time for travel.

Spending money walks such a fine line. Making decisions about when to spend and when to save, what is the responsible choice? When should I jump and take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself?

I'm not sure that this choice is the most responsible choice I can make, but, especially as I hear that some of the female professors at school are talking among themselves about how wonderful it is we are going on this trip, I realize that responsibility does not always need to be the determining factor. So, here I go, down the road of some responsible frivolity.

Seeing Red

My friend Belle (hi!) can read people's colors - and I've gotten so I can guess pretty well what a person's emotional color would be. According to Belle, mine is blue - although I think the shade changes from time to time.

Yesterday, for the New Year's celebration I attended, I wore a bright red shirt, that I have to say was an excellent color for me. As I was reflecting on the colors that look good on me and the colors that I emote (one of my new favorite words - if it is a real word, the spell check doesn't recognize it) I thought to the most recent time when I emotionally saw red. An accusation towards another whom I love caused me to have tunnel vision which was edged by reddish light. I said things that I wish I didn't say and reacted so strongly I scared myself a bit.

When I worked at the homeless shelter we had a controversy surrounding the color of the walls. When I (and most of the other staff) started there the walls were a bright red - due, I'm sure, to a donation of paint. The staff of the mental health clinic in town called us out on our red walls - because the color agitates, and a smoky, loud, hot day-shelter with few rules does not need anything extra to agitate. We, the staff, re-prioritized and ended up painting the walls a green color. And while we did not experiment to determine how much the color changed the atmosphere, I would guess that it did.

It sometimes feels good to see red - and to respond out of it. At the same time, I'm glad that for the most part I emote blue. I don't think I need any extra agitation.