Conversations Producing Ripples

This week includes a number of intense conversations that are requiring different parts of who I am. Yesterday, in the 2 hours in which my kids were at preschool, I had a conversation with a recruiter for an incredibly exciting position. Then, immediately afterwards had a coffee date with a friend.

Today, during work I'm having to sort out some billing discrepancies with a vendor who hasn't been the easiest to deal with. And, I'm going to be taking communion to a woman I've never met before with some dementia.

Tomorrow, during preschool, Pablo and I will be having our check in with our financial advisor, and then I'm going to meet with a community member about another possible direction I might take my life.

I thought about looking at my calendar to see what happens Thursday, but I'm not sure that matters really. Because the point is made: these conversations are requiring such different parts of me, but all of them needing some degree of curiosity, some degree of clarity, and some degree of having my stuff together. (Although, the coffee with a friend didn't require that....only that it was immediately after the other conversation).

I'm nervous about both of today's conversations. I'll be very glad when they are done. But the others feel like they bring some excitement and accomplishment. Excitement at possibility, at connection. Accomplishment at adulting responsibly (that's mostly the finance conversation - but the others are adulting as well).

There are some weeks and months where it feels like the majority of my conversations and work are, while not calm, steady. Parenting, pastoring - fulfilling the duties and work that are common and routine. This week does not feel routine. And it feels like these conversations will have ripples of affect into the future - for better and for worse.

A Turning of the Tide Or the Eye of the Storm?

"I don't want to jinx it, but your boys are really well behaved." Said the nurse in the exam room yesterday. For the first time in our almost-5 years of seeing him, our doctor was running behind schedule. We were there after preschool - over the lunch hour - with both boys for the doctor to look at a rash on David (not a major concern, with nothing to do for it...but now we know).

The kids did do a very good job in the waiting room and in the exam room and as we went to get water between seeing the nurse and the doctor coming in (because David kept asking for it mostly because he just likes to operate the water cooler - but the nurse just thought he was thirsty). They were curious, and asked questions. They laughed when the nurse called David "sir" and when the doctor made funny noises. David let the pokes and prods of an appointment happen without a fuss.

We had some water spills, and at the end we had a pretty big bathroom mishap (though he was sitting on the toilet, none of the pee went in the toilet...and he was carried out with my shirt around his waist). But, the nurse was right. They were well-behaved. At a time I didn't really expect them to be.

This has been happening more and more, lately. Not quite so much that I count on it. But with enough regularity that I don't think it's a fluke. It is getting easier to parent these two rambunctious kiddos. Easier at least for a little bit...

Comfortable With What Comes Out of My Mouth

It's not often that I go to an adult party. I go to more kid parties than adult parties. I suppose kid parties can have the same kind of awkwardness that I find myself in at an adult party, but there are also usually distractions and easy conversation starters related to those kids.

Pablo and I got to go to a really fun adult party on Saturday night. It included a bonfire and party games. We knew a few people - and had fun talking with them, but we also managed to talk with some people we had not previously met.

Often after these events I have regret for things said - awkward responses or ways in which I dominated or didn't speak up. I didn't feel that after this party. Even with the following exchange:

In the attempt to make small talk with some people who are very much into sports, the talk moved to soccer and football. I so often find that I struggle to find the right balance of conversation between small talk and going deep. I'm not really good at the in between, and I feel uncomfortable really with keeping the small talk as small talk. So, I asked if they were intentional in having their elementary child play soccer instead of football. It was an enjoyable conversation. And then, one of the people said something along the lines of "soon the only people playing will be those who are looking to advance themselves financially."

Boom. "You're meaning that it will soon be that people who are poor, particularly people of color, are the only ones playing a sport that leads to brain damage for other's entertainment because they don't really see any other way to succeed in our county?"

I wasn't that blunt, but close. I ended with, "so, there's an injustice to football, huh?"

And then the conversation shifted and people moved on to other conversations, other groups.

For once I don't feel uncomfortable with how that conversation unfolded. I am not second guessing the discomfort my words caused. I feel good, actually. And not because I "got them." But because I didn't ignore the opportunity.

And who knows - it could have been that someone surprised me and I found someone else who shares a value with me. It wouldn't have surprised me completely because the friend whose party is was shares some of these values with me. But, in our area, my assumption is that most people would rather not name these things. Most people value living comfortably, and would rather not pay attention to the ways we lucked into our lives.

Overall the night was a lot of fun, and in some small way, this added to it. More than anything because I felt like I was able to be myself.

When Councils Get It Right

Today I got to be part of the beauty of a small congregation. We are facing some financial challenges - and some individuals are facing life struggles that impact finances. Our council meeting spent a good deal of time wading through some of the realities of our situation. People were careful with how they worded things and sensitive to how things might be heard. But were also straightforward in the discussion.

We have a plan of action and some more work to do, but because of some hard work we actually are able to plan and not just flail about guessing at our future.

Then, at the end of the meeting, one of the faithful - who is often the one taking care of everyone and everything else - (and one who is facing some life struggle that is bigger than usual), broke down as she spoke to a need that she needed to inform the council about. She said she would cover it, and immediately - from every person - the reaction was "no, we got you."

The need includes some financial investment by the church. But - even with the previous conversation of financial struggle - no one batted an eye.

I am pretty blessed to be serving with these people and in this place.

An Extension of Themselves

David, 2 ½, wants us to hold his arm while he eats and goes to sleep. He says "open/close" to indicate what we should do with our hand on his arm and often does that a number of times before relaxing into it. It's endearing and frustrating all at the same time. Sometimes it's pretty uncomfortable, especially when my arm is through his crib slats and I'm laying on the floor. Often, as I eat, I need to take my hand away for a moment, saying "I need two hands." He usually complains the entire time.

And, I am reminded that while my body continues to be my own, part of this role of motherhood - at least that way I am navigating it - includes allowing my body to be someone else's comfort. Allowing my kids to sit on me, hold onto me, snuggle into me, use my body as an extension of themselves.

I sometimes set my boundaries and say - "this is my body part." And when I do that I realize a bit of how this time of my body being theirs is actually pretty short. This time of them wanting to be right on top of me - or the natural way they grab my hand as we walk someplace - will likely only continue for a small portion of their lives. Sometimes I'm grateful that my body will one day again only be my own. And sometimes it feels sad to consider it.

Antidote

Yesterday was a lovely day (despite the stresses of work and world), in which I got to go to the Museum of Science and Industry with my 2 kids. They explored, they got their hands on different things (appropriately), they let me lead them to places they hadn't been before. We had a wonderful couple hours (that were also free except for parking)!

After the museum, we met up with my cousin Karin, who has a special relationship with my kids. I'm glad to have time with her too, but it was a particular blessing that she moved here to start classes at the same time I went back to work and was able to watch my kids one day a week for the first six months. I miss seeing her regularly, but both kids seem to easily fall back into trusting and loving her. As I think anyone would.

I get Thursdays alone with my kids this year. No appointments, no classes. No responsibilities to others. It's also the last year that both boys will not be in 5-day-a-week (full day!) school. So, I'm trying to get out and do things that are bit more far-flung or time consuming. Last week we went raspberry picking and then to a playground. I should maybe make a list of adventures so that we can keep it up.

Where It Comes From

It's no secret to me that my stress picks up when world events become more chaotic. Or, when I have a conversation with a particular person at work. Both happened this week. Although I try to let the conversation go, I continue to have memories of responses that I would edit if I could. I don't think I was inappropriate, I just know that this particular person doesn't always see what I'm saying, and sometimes tells other people about what she thinks is true. Add in a dash of financial stress (and a vendor who is trying to get more money for services we do not think were given) and work is not my favorite place right now.

These are the days when this role really has to be about something other than what makes me happy - or what I want to be doing. It is a call. I do believe this place is doing good, despite the challenges.

Signs of Stress

I know I'm stressed when I start daydreaming about what I would do, or what life would be like in an apocalyptic event. Or, if zombies came. Or, even if we were forced to be refugees.

Just this moment I looked down at my clothing - pajamas with a random shirt thrown on for warmth -  and thought - well, that wouldn't be warm enough, and is more colorful than I usually go.

Other times I've thought that if there was time, I'd load up our double stroller to take with us. When kids were in diapers, I'd make sure they had a bunch of diapers. When my youngest was nursing, I was relieved that at least he would have food (as long as I could get enough water).

I don't need to go into what is feeding my stress, only that this is one of those signs to me that it's level is creeping up.

Wrapping Up (and Reading)

Have I missed anything? Probably. There are many other things for which I am thankful.

This month it often felt like a task to write and explain each topic of thankfulness. I am glad that I've done it - and I may very well do it again. There were even times during this month that I wondered if I would continue to do this into Advent/December/maybe more. But, while I'd like to try to post more frequently - working out what I'm thinking- I don't think I'll do it with an extended theme regularly.

I would much rather spend my time reading than writing. I love stories - especially stories that invite me to use my imagination or that I can get into a new world for an extended period of time. I'm thankful for books, whether paper or electronic, and for the times I'm able to squeeze some reading into my life.

Mom and Dad

For November 29th, 2018

My parents are coming for the weekend to celebrate the kids' birthdays. And, it's recently been decided that they are going to come for Christmas too! I am so excited for both of these visits. While there are always challenges to more bodies in a small space, I am always thankful for the times my parents are able to come and be with us.

I'm also thankful for the ways in which our relationship has evolved. There are still times when, at my request, they offer opinions, suggestions and help. But, they are careful in how they parent at this time in our lives. They may ask a question, but with little intention of directing my actions. I know I am not so pure of intention with all of my questions, but they sure seem to be. The still parent when called upon, but mostly just love and care.

The last few years have been difficult to have much of any adult conversation with them. Really, it's been difficult to have any kind of adult conversation with anyone. I often don't know what's going on in their lives and don't have a lot to share with them other than kid-related things. There are times, though, when we're able to get into some of those deeper conversations - and those conversations with these particular people help me see myself better - and to be grounded.

I am always thankful for my parents.

Eye Crinkles

Yesterday I noticed I have eye crinkles - aka smile wrinkles fanning out from the corner of one's eye. I'm not actually sure how long I have had them, but I definitely have them now.

I remember noticing certain people's eye crinkles when I was younger - and loving them. Loving that it meant the person had smiled and laughed (or maybe just squinted a lot). I wanted to have some too.

And now I do. And, I'm glad (and thankful).

Laurie Berkner

When I knew I was pregnant I went searching for new kids music to play and sing and dance with my kids. I didn't really find anything new - or danceable. The words I used to search were probably off. Anyway, somehow in the last 4 years I heard a musician named Laurie Berkner - and in this last year especially my kids cannot get enough of her.

There are some songs that both boys sing along to (David with sounds, Gabriel with words). We searched out a timpani earlier in the year because one is used in one of her songs. One of her songs begins with a countdown: 5...4...3, 2, 1 - Blast Off - which I often use to get my kids moving.

I can only handle so much of most kids music, but her music is fun and peppy and easy to listen to for hours on end. She plays a kid show at Ravinia each year, and we got to go this year. It was well worth it and I'm betting we'll go again.

I recently bought her Christmas album from about 5 years ago. One of the songs sings, "Christmas is coming..." It was on and Gabriel was singing it as we started up the stairs to get ready for bed. He excitedly turns to me and yells - "THIS SONG IS RIGHT! CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"

I am thankful for Laurie Berkner.

Snow Day

Today is a SNOW DAY!

Because of a restless kiddo, I only slept until 3:30. Lately I've had a difficult time falling back to sleep afterwards. This time, at least part of the reason why I was too restless to fall asleep again was because of my excitement about the snow.

Now it's pretty gusty out - and there are blizzard warnings (which I'm pretty sure is why the schools ended up closing), but I'm still going to try to get us all bundled up after breakfast to go out and play. And maybe again later in the day too.

I also have a couple of craft ideas for us to work on as well.
We have been home for the last 4 days for Thanksgiving, but for some reason I'm not feeling like we're going to struggle with being home for another day. I'm looking forward to the adventure of today. And, for that, I am thankful.

Sundays Off

One of the perks of my current gig is that I get one Sunday off a month. Often this Sunday has gotten used for traveling or an event, but sometimes (like today) it will allow me to worship with my family.

Neither of my kids are very easy to handle in worship. And, as previously mentioned, Pablo superhumanly does it himself a couple times a month. I like these opportunities for us to be one-on-one with our kids and for me to get to help one pay attention (often I have Gabriel), whispering what is going on up front. 

Plus, it gives me the opportunity to hear another preacher - to hear the words of institution spoken for me. For these moments, I am thankful.

Spontaneity

For November 24th

My life has not had a lot of room lately for spontaneity. The extent has been with Gabriel has suggested we stop at a park or when I've decided we should head somewhere after naps for about an hour.

Yesterday, an acquaintance who I run into more than others, posted in a group wondering if anyone could meet up for lunch or dinner and because I was trying to plan a solo Target trip, I was able to make it happen. It was a lovely conversation and nice time away.

Today (and yesterday), I'm thankful for the growing ability to be spontaneous. Something that having children (especially children with food allergies) makes less easy.

Siblings and Their Families

While distance separates me from my siblings - and I see them only a couple times a year, I am so thankful for the relationship we have grown into as adults. And, I am thankful for their significant others and for my nephew.

I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and nephew, along with my parents, in just a week! They will get to come for our boys' birthday party and spend the weekend. We got to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law in California in October. And, we will all gather together sometime after Christmas (exactly when has yet to be determined).

My siblings are now, especially, two of the people who I know will almost always understand me when I need to talk through something. They are thoughtful, generous and fun. They each are very in touch with their emotions, and are able to acknowledge them and talk through them when it's helpful.

I do really wish we lived closer to each other and could see each other more - maybe even get together just the three of us from time to time. But, for now - we relish the time we do have together and send lots of messages and videos to keep us in tough.

Thanksgiving Traditions

On this, the day of Thanksgiving, my idea for a post I'd like to write feels complicated. Both because it's not completely clear about what it is I'm thankful for and also because my emotions are not completely clear.

Holidays and the meals/events that go with them have felt tough since joining my life with another person. They feel tough because I'd like to continue some of my own traditions, adopt some of his and to make some traditions together. And, I think we're likely doing that. So, for that I can be thankful.

What feels hard is that every family gathering that happens on the actual holiday is spent in what feels like someone else's traditions. We spend almost every holiday with his family - and understandably, they aren't trying to combine traditions with anyone else's - they're just doing what they always do.

And so, even when my family (me) hosts, the practices and traditions (even as simple as how you fill your plate with food) feel like they have to be fought for. So, my writing today is complicated. I guess I'm complaining that I don't get to celebrate the actual holiday with the warm feelings I'd like to. It feels like a negotiation - in which I'm the only one really trying to negotiate.

But, I am thankful at the same time. I'm thankful that together Pablo and I are creating traditions within our own family. I'm thankful for the traditions I have had growing up that I remember fondly and want to emulate. I'm thankful that we do have people close by with which we continue traditions - even if they are not my own.

Cooking

A reflection for Wednesday, November 21st.

I missed writing yesterday because, among other things, I was preparing for hosting Thanksgiving dinner. When I wasn't directly interacting with my kids, I was plodding away at steps to put together Thanksgiving dinner for 7 adults and 2 kids. I enjoy all of this planning, shopping, and the art of cooking.

I mostly follow recipes - and am often trying new ones. But, as our family's allergy needs and palates have changed, I've developed a number of "go-to" recipes that I don't need to do as much studying to prepare for. Sometimes I can even be at the grocery store, think about possibly making a particular dish, and pick up everything I need for it without the recipe or a list.

It has taken me a while to feel comfortable with cooking - even though I've wanted to be good at it and comfortable with it. I still have regular misses. But, as I expand my menu I've had more hits.

I should also note, I am grateful that we have food readily accessible and that, with the allergies we have, we are able to afford the more-expensive alternatives that allow for pretty equivalent substitution.

As I write this, I realize I would name cooking as a hobby. And, for a hobby that I enjoy and that helps me feed my family, I am thankful.

The Opportunity to Be Something In Addition to "Mom"

Today is Tuesday - the day the boys go to daycare and the day I get to spend a good amount of time doing the work I get to do. Today, I'm spending more time in the office than normal - because I have this Sunday off, so I won't have to be working on a sermon later.

Sometimes Tuesdays are hard because the boys, while well cared for and fine once we get there, are not always thrilled with having to go to daycare. Those hard times of getting us all out the door also help me appreciate that this work that I get to do lets me be more than mom for some time. I get to come and be something that I was prior to being a mom (with different people, but the work is similar). I get to regularly experience a little bit more of the wholeness of who I am and get to create and use my brain differently than I do when consumed by trains and board books and playing Batman and Robin.

And, honestly, sometimes I'm just grateful that it's someone else's responsibility to take care of my kids for a minute.

Another day, when this isn't about thankfulness, I'd like to write a bit about what it's been like rediscovering who I am as a pastor - and how that is held with who I am as a mom. That could take a while though.

Today, I am thankful that I do get the opportunity to flex a different skill set a couple times a week.

Gabriel's Teachers (and others)

Today Gabriel had a hard day at school. The only way I know is that his teacher stopped me when I was picking him up to tell me about it. He had two incidents where his emotions were on the surface and he had to be calmed - which may be normal at home, but according to his teacher is not normal there. In each case a different teacher was a calming, comforting presence. Allowing for his emotion, assuring him that everything was alright.

Afterwards, as I was explaining things to Pablo, I realized I wasn't positive what had actually happened in the second incident, so I sent an e-mail and was assured that everything was accidental (and in response to my concern, that it was completely fine if I e-mailed).

I am grateful for these kind, sensitive, level-headed (and fun) teachers. There are others too that have been in Gabriel's and David's lives and I'm especially grateful for a couple of David's daycare teachers as they've loved on him, made sure that all is safe in regards to allergies for him and have created a warm classroom.

While I sometimes feel jealous of other people when they're getting to spend time with my kids (that I'm paying to do so) I am so grateful for these women.

Pablo

The other night I saw a Facebook friend of mine had done one of those quizzes where you ask someone questions. Often I see them in relation to children - asking things like "who is your best friend?" and "what is your favorite food?" Questions that might mark some maturing, but also could change before you're done with the quiz.

The quiz I saw this time was to ask one's significant other. So, just for fun I asked Pablo these questions. As I asked the questions I grew more and more amazed. I was surprised by some of his answers - surprised because they were more true than the ones I would have given. Near the end I exclaimed, "Wow! You really know me!"

Life as parents with young kids who require constant entertainment - and who don't fall asleep before 9 and are up before 6 - means we have little time together. And, the one-on-one time we do have is often crammed in - there isn't time to just ease into conversations or do a lot of just "being." There's an intensity to the time we set up to focus on us - date nights or time stolen while the kids are at daycare - after we've both gotten home from work.

It's not uncommon for one of us to say, as we're getting into bed, "I was going to tell you something, but now I can't remember what it was." We text throughout the day - share pictures and make lists of topics - but still details slip through the cracks. We try, though. And most of the time whatever it is either is remembered eventually - or probably wasn't all that necessary to share anyway.

All this is to say, our relationship in this season of life is definitely different than it was 6 years ago - the night that Pablo proposed to me in his kitchen (prior to our Vegas trip). And yet, I am so very grateful for Pablo in my life and that he is the partner with whom I get to navigate decisions and challenges, joys and opportunities. He is thoughtful, curious, an excellent father, observant (much of the time), likes to make me laugh and is supportive of my dance in figuring out who and what I'm going to be. And, even when it doesn't always feel like we're connecting, I'm reminded that he knows me - and loves me. And I love him.

Gabriel

My baby is 4-years old today! The last few days Pablo and I have been remembering where we were at that moment 4 years ago. It's amazing to think of that tiny baby that I was just starting to get to know 4 years ago is now my smart, stubborn, funny, loving kid.

We enjoy talking and learning about so many things. High on his list of interests are Batman, dinosaurs, baseball, trains, snow, cars (cars, cars), cooking, biking and running, and stickers. He's full of compassion - but also sometimes struggles with seeing that what he is doing might hurt someone.

He loves tv - right now Ummizummi is on while I write this. But, he's not very interested in watching a movie and gets frightened by many movies that are for kids.

He pays attention to everything and will repeat back song lyrics or phrases that he heard only once or twice. He enjoys being read to - and we've started to read some simple chapter books. We had his school conferences last Monday and learned that he's right where he should be - plays independently and with imagination. Plays well with others (as well as is expected) and participates in class.

Pablo and I are so proud to be his parents. I pray that his imagination, creativity and compassion continue to grow and that I can help foster his development in various areas well. Today, a bit out of nowhere at lunch he said, "I love you mom, I love you dad." He loves - and is loved - very much.

Kindness

The topics of these posts really highlight what I spend the majority of my time doing and thinking about: parenting and my family. I talk about this being a season of life, and I do believe that we are in a particularly time-and-energy-consuming period of our kids' lives. It will not always be this consuming.

However, today I am thankful for kindness of people who are either a stranger or who I do not know well. I got to be the parent helper in Gabriel's class today and one of the other moms made sure to tell me how smart he is. More importantly, though, she told me that her daughter, who started school late, said that Gabriel is one of her best friends and that he said hi and was friendly to her right away. So - awww, yes, my kid is learning kindness. But also, what kindness of that mom to make sure I knew about that.

Another example of kindness: we had to pull over to the side of the road yesterday because Gabriel and I failed to make sure there was enough empty bladder space for the 15-minute ride home. Anyway, I was pulled over in a bit of an out-of-the-way place, with my hazards on for about 3 minutes. I was getting Gabriel back in the car when another car pulled up and a woman offered help - assuming something was wrong with my car.

Sometimes it feels like it's hard to find kindness - so I'm grateful for three examples shows to me in the last couple days.

My Children's Joy

Every single day I get to hear giggles coming from my two boys. Tickles, jokes, pure joy while running, playing, singing, dancing.

Today we got to go and play in snow as it fell and gathered on the ground. Gabriel can be mischievous as he grabs snow and launches it towards me, laughing as he does so. He gets incredibly excited sometimes and just cannot hold back a squeal of glee. He can be intense in all he does, but especially in having fun.

David is almost always good natured and really has fun if he's doing whatever everyone else is doing. He loves to jump - especially at gymnastics - and run, chasing after his brother.

These kids are just enjoyable to be around ( usually), and certain bring so much joy to each day.

Cuddletime

Almost every night I get to cuddle with Gabriel - and he will ask to sometimes when we're reading or watching tv. He definitely wants us to as he's falling asleep. It sometimes means he has a hard time when he wakes up in the middle of the night, but we're working on that.

While David has often been the better sleeper of our two kids, that hasn't been true the last few months. He's often gotten up in the middle of the night - and unlike Gabriel, who usually just wants company, David is ready to get up and go. 

Today he woke up at 5, but instead of being insistent that he start playing or watching tv, he snuggled into me and snoozed for about an hour and a half. I tried to get him back in his crib during that time, but he wasn't having it. And so, today I am thankful for cuddles with my boys.

Childcare

I was very much against sending my kids to daycare. I didn't want the germs. I didn't want my kids to feel like I was trying to get rid of them (that's my own issue, I understand that). I wanted to be the one attending to each day's emotional, physical, social and mental development. But, then....work....

My boys go to daycare (at the same place where Gabriel attends preschool and David will start in January) one day a week. These last two weeks David has had a small fever the day before, so I've had to keep him home, but daycare worked with me and I was able to bring him each of the Fridays following, while Gabriel was at preschool.

Today there is a "Thanksgiving Feast" for all the kids. Parents are invited, but I'm not going to be going. I made sure to verify that David would still have his allergy meal - so he wouldn't end up having a reaction or not have anything to eat. But, because I've taken it for granted that the meals at daycare are nut free, I didn't think about whether the catered Thanksgiving meal would be nut free until I dropped Gabriel off.

As I searched for the director to verify, so assured me that it was definitely nut free.

They have been so accommodating for us - which I would hope they would be for anyone with allergies. But, also, they have accommodated our one-day-a-week schedule. They've allowed me to switch when something has come up on our one day (as long as there has been room). Most of the teachers/caregivers are wonderful!

Although David sometimes doesn't eat much while he's there, he always seems to have a good time. His teachers report him to be happy and easy-going. When I come to pick him up he's usually having a great time (once he was still sleeping after nap - when everyone else was up, but that was one of the days he was getting sick).

Gabriel sometimes seems a little shy when I drop him off - and sometimes when I pick him up he's definitely just playing by himself, but then he reports playing with some specific kids and excited about what they do and say. And, maybe he is just enjoying what he's playing with? He also has gotten really excited when we see other kids outside of daycare, but shy when we approach to say hi.

And yes, they have been exposed to a few more germs. But, we make it through - and the next time they don't suffer as much.

I am grateful to have this good solution to our childcare needs.

Coffee

So far my thankfulness topics have been pretty serious. I do have a lot to be sincerely thankful for - and there is more yet to come. But, today, I am thankful for hot coffee.

I used to be able to drink 4 cups a day, and I'm sorry to say that that no longer feels great to me. But, I do relish my 2, sometimes 3 cups, each morning.

I love the feeling of drinking coffee. The warmth that goes from the cup to my hands as I hold the cup, preparing to sip. The feeling of the warm drink moving down my throat into my stomach comforts me.

I like the taste of coffee. And, for the most part I like it black. Every once in a while with a little bit of cream. Every once in a while with a little sugar - but only when it's really thick.

I like the caffeine in coffee and for the most part like the burst of energy - that borders on jitteriness when I drink too much.

And, I like my favorite cup. It makes me laugh. A great way to start the day.

Parenting Partner

Today - and every day - I am so grateful for my partner in life...and most obviously now, my partner in parenting. Many weekends, parts of Saturdays and Sundays mean that Pablo takes on the stay-at-home parent lifestyle. And, he easily navigates all that is required to care for (and entertain) our boys.

I'm especially grateful for this on Sundays. It's not easy bringing two busy young kids to worship by oneself. Especially when the other parent is up front. While it's not part of his own practice, Pablo brings the boys twice a month to worship - even as that means he essentially brings the boys for about 10 minutes of doing what most of us think of as worship - and the other 40 minutes (we have short services) chasing after the boys heading in two different directions.

I do feel that pang of wanting to sit with my boys, whispering guidance and explanation to them throughout the service. But, even as I can't be that person, I am so very glad that Pablo is up for the task of herding and parenting that makes it possible for me to do my work and the boys to grow up in the church.

A Little Bit Of Work

I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. At one time I thought I knew. I thought I wanted to be a senior pastor of a large church, with support staff. I thought I wanted to set the vision and handle the pressure of being "it" when it came to a large congregation.

That is not what I want to do with my life.

I thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home parent through my kids' elementary years. I knew that would be a negotiation and a balance, and that I might not be able to do that financially. But, I thought I'd like to consider it. But, at this point I can honestly say that now that is not what I want to do with my life.

I do want to parent. And to be flexible. And to use my brain and energy in a job outside the home. And do fun things with my kids. And be able to be home at nights with my family. And get to do a thing for myself. 

Right now, I am so thankful for the flexible work position I am in. I work about 15 hours a week (it was supposed to be aiming for 10-12, but that's not quite working out) and my main responsibilities are worship and pastoral care. (I'm ending up teaching 8 classes of Confirmation too - but that's just this year.)

I am getting to do some of the work that I love to do, and I am getting to be home with my kids the majority of the time. I have gotten to take them to classes and at the same time have a day they go to daycare and I can work on my other responsibilities.

The ability for me to have this flexible of a schedule - and for the church to only pay for this limited of a pastoral presence - will come to an end at some point in the next two years. But, I am grateful for this piece that is bridging my parenting-of-toddlers time. I am grateful that I have this time to dabble in what I'm trained in, what I have loved to do in the past - but that I have questioned more recently whether it's what I want to do. 

At some point I'll have to set the new direction of what I'll do. And maybe it will be in the same direction it was before. But I'm glad for this time of in-between - that I don't need to know what I'm going to do with my life....just yet.

Democratic Dissent

November 9th - I'm thankful for the ability to do something when I disagree with the decisions people in power make. I'm not always sure what difference my actions make, but I do feel that the right to call congresspeople and to peacefully protest matters in the big scheme of things. Even if it is just to shift the culture - slowly, but surely.

These last few years I have wanted to be part of the swell of voice calling for justice - showing that there is support behind a number of issues. But with my first responsibility to be the care and safety of my two young ones, I've not been able to show up to many events. However, the boys and I participated in their first peaceful protest on Thursday. There was a call for a rapid response to actions of our current president and many people gathered in large cities and not-so-large cities to name that his actions were not right. ("Protect Mueller" was the hashtag/theme). 

A group in our town, that I think of as being a place of privilege that means many are sheltered from the effects of injustice (which may be a completely unfair assessment), held a small rally. I'd say there were about 50 people who marched around Cook Park with signs and chanted. I didn't really talk about it with the boys beforehand - I barely knew we'd be going until we left the library hearing the group around the corner. I'm not sure what they got from it, but I'm thankful that I could be part of something.

And, I'm sure that as they get older we will have the opportunity to make our voices heard again and again.

David

As I write, I do so with my almost-2-year-old, David, in my lap. We shall see how much I can actually type and how much he takes over the keyboard.

Because of colds and fevers, I have had some extra one-on-one time with him in the last couple weeks. Even as a child who can't communicate fully and isn't feeling well, he is a sweet boy. He's curious and determined. The last two months his favorite phrase is "I do dat" sometimes said after he has done something, sometimes as he is insisting that he do it.

He loves to play with his big brother - and tries to keep up as best as he can. He also can easily spend a good deal of time playing by himself. When we go to do something we don't often have to worry about his disposition or whether he will have fun, because he goes with the flow....except when it comes to getting in his carseat.

I say that even as he readily asserts his opinion. He wants to do things for himself. He prefers dad to put him to bed. He will rarely try a new food item, and along with his pickiness we struggle with feeding him because of allergies. He is ready to play at school when we drop off Gabriel (and will start after he turns 2). 

I am thankful for this precious child - for the love he gives and the love I get to give. For his part in our family - and for all the ways in which he does and will bless the world. 

Local Friendships - A Work in Progress

I do not think I'm alone in the experience that making friends outside of school and work can be tough and slow-moving. I am so incredibly grateful for the friends I have that span the country, but making and developing a local community seems to be never-ending work.

Having moved to this particular area 5+ years ago now I am thankful for the slow but sure creation and deepening of local friendships. Now, most of my friends are other moms of young children - and so they tend to be 5-10 years younger than myself. But, slowly some of my acquaintances are developing into friendships, and I am grateful. 

**This post made possible by "SuperWings" on Netflix. 

Health Care

David has been sick with a minor temperature (100.5) the last two Tuesdays, which is the one day the boys go to daycare so I can work. My task then is to either try to cram my work into evenings, weekends and newly nonexistent nap times, or for Pablo to take a sick day. Today, Pablo will work a ½ day, and I will work a ½ day.

David has had his share of colds/fever, and pretty much handles it like a trooper. Gabriel gets coughs after colds that are tough enough to lead to vomit. Both have allergies that are bordering on scary (with the possibility of an anaphylactic reaction), but have so far not encountered anything that has caused much more than a hospital visit, allergist appointments and careful food intake.

We are so so fortunate to have good medical care. I can't help but realize the basic human right of good health care as a privilege as we hear the news of a caravan of people heading to the United States seeking asylum. The caravan including young children, young women giving birth along the route and families started in Honduras and gained travelers along the way. I cannot imagine needing to pick up with so very little to attempt to start a new life somewhere.

I am especially mindful of health as people along the route have generously offered food and clothing - and one picture I saw was of kind people making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. My kids (and me) would not be able to eat those offers of nourishment. If we were in that caravan, I'm not sure how our boys, especially David, would be nourished.

This is a post of thankfulness - for the wonderful health professionals who care for our kids (we especially love our allergist, and have grown to greatly trust their pediatrician), and for the relative place of privilege that we are able to tend to the needs of our kids.

Home, part 2

On the second day of Daylight Savings, my little loves gave to me - an early morning. As is to be expected, David was up at 5:15 and Gabriel by 5:45. It could be worse, and since my body clock takes longer to reset, it doesn't feel too bad.

I am thankful for a comfortable home that make early mornings cozy and sweet. Cuddling on the couch - sometimes with the tv on - is not a hard way to wake up.

I may not have chosen this particular house (moving in when I married Pablo), but there are so many pieces to it that make it comfortable, functional and home. When we met with our realtor for one of the first times she said something about it being hard to leave some of the amenities that we have - and as we look at other homes, it is true that we are more particular as we look at houses we'd like to make our home.

So, I'm thankful for the house structure we have - even as I seek a slightly different one. But more than that, I'm thankful for the place that houses our family - that keeps us warm or cool - comfortable. I'm thankful for the space for the boys to run (in circles) and the place to lay our heads. I'm thankful for all that makes this place our home.

The Work of a Few

It's daylight savings time - with an extra hour of cuddle time instead of sleep. Most people would have this anyway on a Sunday. I get it today because now I get ready for work.

Today - and so many days - I am thankful for the members of the congregation I am serving as part-time interim pastor. I work between 10-15 hours a week in a job most people have a hard time limiting to 40. Of course, there are many things I do not do - but that means that others pick that up.

In particular, I am thankful for the council president/musician/property manager and the preschool director who really ends up making sure everything for the church is done. Without these two faithful women, this congregation would not be functioning.

I will write another time about how grateful I am for this opportunity to dabble my toes in ministry while also being a mostly-full-time mom. But, it would not be possible without the hours of work Lynn and Kathy put into the church.

Also, it means I barely think about building things. I don't have to respond when a light bulb needs changing in the stairway or the air conditioner goes out. Honestly - with my job being focused on worship - I have often forgotten about changing paraments and other worship-space-related things - because Kathy just makes sure they're done. (She's not the only one who does it...but if it's not done she makes sure it gets done.)

This week, I haven't been into the office because of a sick child on my one day dedicated to work, so I'll go in a little early. But, I'm not really worried about what I will find. Such a gift. Such faith. So thankful.

Joyful Shabbat

I am thankful for the experience I had last night.

A week ago, in Pittsburg, 11 people were murdered while attending a ceremony at Tree of Life Synagogue, by a gunman shouting antisemitic rhetoric. My congregation prayed for Tree of Life, and our local Jewish Congregation (Or Shalom), and I was so glad when after my initial e-mail indicating that our prayers were with our siblings at Or Shalom, we were invited to join in a show of solidarity by attending their Friday evening Shabbat service.

What a joy-filled, hope-filled service! They had to open up the worship space to allow for twice as many chairs (it seemed to me). The music was phenomenal. Not only because of the Cantor and the musician (although they were amazing), but because those who regularly attend Shabbat were singing along whole heartedly.

I sat in between a group from a local UU church and a Lutheran/Presbyterian clergy-couple and their kids. In front of me were 4 young girls - around 3rd or 4th grade - who were so intent in following along with the service (much of which is in Hebrew) that they were each bent over a service book with a finger on the spot. One girl kept turning around asking for my help about where they were (I was trying to follow along too).

Behind me were a number of congregation members in their 70s and 80s. I overheard one say, "This is bigger than Rosh Hashanah." And they sang along with gusto.

I met a local imam - who looks to be younger than me and has a young son. I met a few other interfaith colleagues. We sang a Matisyahu song (One Day) and Keep Your Eyes On the Prize by Pete Seeger.

The congregation offered wine and cookies afterwards (although I felt I needed to go home). And, I noticed a police presence as we left. I don't know for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if that is a regular necessity.

This was certainly not a 5-minute post, there is too much to share.

My reflection of thankfulness is for the rabbi and his congregation who invited me and other interfaith friends in and shared their hope in the face of death. What a gift of faith - of hospitality - of courage.

Home

We are in the midst of trying to sell our townhouse to move to a single family house. We could use a little more room - a larger play area inside, an extra bedroom for when my family or other out-of-town guests visit. We also would very much enjoy a yard in which we can play, garden, hang out.

It is a bit stressful to have our house on the market - to be show ready. So, we took it off for a few months. And, it has been nice to fall back into a less strenuous cleaning routine. We are still cleaning - just not too worried about the fingerprints on the windows, or whether all of the toys are put away exactly where they are supposed to.

In some ways, going off the market feels like coming home. While life with a toddler and preschooler is not necessarily restful, it's a bit more relaxing now that we're not as worried about others coming to examine our house. 

So - I certainly have more to write about "home." But, today, my thankfulness is that we have some time to let it be our home - and not worried about someone else wanting it as their home - for a little bit.

Thankfulness

The first of November. Some of my Facebook friends will be posting about something they are thankful for each day. I'm not so sure I'm wanting to be that public in my attempt - but I would like to participate in the practice. 

A different Facebook friend took the month of October to write 5 minutes every day with a prompt. I'm going to combine these two efforts and try to sit down for 5 minutes every day in this space to write about some aspect of thankfulness. Whether it's something/one for which I'm thankful - or the other emotions thankfulness brings out in me. 

Tonight, for the remainder of my 5 minutes (about 2 minutes worth), I'm going to just name possible writing topics or words upon which I'll focus.

Perhaps I'll write about: home, love, Pablo, Gabriel, David, Mom, Dad, my siblings, their spouses, my nephew. Perhaps I'll write about work: the dabbling I get to do, sermon preparation, time away (once/month), teaching, colleagues, time away (part 2 - away from my mom-work). Perhaps I'll talk about feeling warmth, joy, peace, contentment and even frustration. 

I may touch on all of these, or only some - and I'm sure there will be others. But, my 5 minutes is up. Hopefully, until tomorrow....

Amy

S'more

Written on March 6, 2017 

I've had some version of S'mores 3 times over this past weekend. The first was the new girl scout cookie (not Samoas, but described by the girl scouts as "Crunchy graham sandwich cookies with creamy chocolate and marshmallowy filling"). The other was an amazing S'more cheesecake at a "night in" with other moms that one of the other women made - the recipe can be found here. So amazingly delicious. And the third S'more was out to dinner with my family on Saturday night at a wonderful chocolate-themed restaurant nearby with a perfect little S'more dessert - with a little bacon sprinkled around it. 

To all three I would definitely say, "I'd like S'more!"

Today is my 40th birthday. Forty years on this earth. 20 years ago my birthday celebration was in the basement of my dorm where I was an RA. (I'm sure there were other festivities, but that is where we had cake). When I turned 30, I think I held a coffee house party in my apartment in Bay View. Forty's celebration will be a bit different - both now and not yet. Pablo took me out for a wonderful dinner with the boys on Saturday (where I had the third S'more dessert). My friends and family are wishing me happy birthday today, and those who are in the habit of doing so are giving me presents. But, with an almost-three-month old I decided that I would wait to hold any kind of gathering until the baby was a bit older and the weather a bit nicer. So, I'm intending to have a BBQ at a local park sometime in May or June. 

Maybe it's because I know there's something else to come. Maybe it's because I am exhausted trying to keep up with my 2-year-old and newborn. Maybe I'm 

*This is where the post ended.....obviously awaiting s'more. But, it's over 1 ½ years later, so I'm not even going to try to finish it. And still, I'll publish.

Ashed

My newborn and I made it to Ash Wednesday worship last night while my husband put our 2-year-old son to bed. Last year my older son and I attended an Ash Wednesday service at noon at a congregation I've supplied at about ½ an hour away. I remember feeling a little panicky when I watched my 15-month-old receive the ashes on his forehead. Panicky because this was about death - life too, definitely. But the reality that what we are now will whither away. That I cannot protect my kids from pain and suffering, sin and death.

As a pastor, the privilege of placing the ashes on my beloved congregation members' foreheads was moving. I was immersed in what those ashes meant and also was well-aware of how much could change in a year. I was especially moved when placing the ashen cross upon the foreheads of folks with illness or extreme old age. Especially moved as I placed the cross on those who mourn (a mother of a 20-something year old son and a widower who couldn't imagine his life without his recently deceased wife come immediately to mind). I know I placed that cross upon infants and toddlers heads, but the only emotion I really remember feeling was a sweet love for that young life.

Last year's panic took me by surprise. This year, holding my 2 ½ month old, who had just been baptized 10 days earlier, I teared up as well. But, this time the tears included an incredible trust and thankfulness in the promise of those waters washed over my young one's head.

I'm not sure that I can point to what was different for me from one year to another. But I do know that last night I had a feeling of God's presence that has been difficult for me to sense as I've worshiped with a toddler.

Options and Opinions

The baby has come - and I definitely have a lot to say about it. I've got stuff on my mind and don't want to play catch up. So, I'm diving right in.

I'm in the mommy camp of "if it works for you, don't sweat what other people say/think." Of course I recognize that there are some things that are safer than others - but we are all making a thousand decisions as they relate to our children every week and we can't really be second guessing everything we do - we'll go nuts!

I certainly felt this way about decisions when it came to giving birth. I wanted to have as few interventions as possible - hoping to give birth without a bunch of things connected to me or lots of chemicals in my system. Pablo and I took classes. We practiced. We made a birth plan. We talked about the continuum of what we would do if it were necessary. And then, my water broke and labor did not start. I needed an IV with antibiotics because I was positive for Strep B. After quite a bit of time with very little labor, I needed pitocin. And, then I was exhausted and got an epidural. Each of these was the right thing for us at the time. But, it wasn't my ideal. And honestly, I have no ** very little judgement when it comes to what any other person does in this situation.

It seems like this pattern continues into other areas. We are using cloth diapers - sometimes. We still have yet to use a cloth diaper over night. And, there are days that we just put a disposable on because it's easier. And, I don't care what decision other parents make.

So far, I am making all of my son's food - until I don't. There will be a time, I'm sure, when I just don't have time or make the decisions that it's easier to buy something at the store rather than make it myself. (We're also thinking of doing Baby-Led Weaning, but at the recommendation of G's allergist, we have already started to introduce some foods to test for allergies. Since he's not yet 6 months, we've been doing purees.)

All of this is to say, I get that this parenting thing is fluid. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you and your child at the time. As a lactation specialist (whose job is to promote breastfeeding) said to us, "You're main goal is to make sure your child is fed." It isn't the end of the world if things don't quite go according to plan, as long as the needs of your child are being met. We learned that on Day 2 in the hospital - and gave our little tiny fussy baby formula because he was so hungry and wasn't getting much from me.

But, right now, I'm wishing there was a guaranteed step-by-step method to getting a child to sleep. Our little one was a decent sleeper from about 2 ½ months to almost 4 months. And now, as we approach 6 months, we are realizing that we need some way to help him fall asleep. There are so many different recommendations of what to do - but the one consistent seems to be that we should be consistent. So, we haven't started anything yet - how's that for consistency?

**I realize I have some opinions against convenience C-sections. If you are scheduling it so you can have your baby born on a special date or for some other non-medical timing issue, I have opinions.

And More Changes

A baby is coming! A baby is coming!

At 17 weeks, I'm still in the middle stage of seeing obvious changes (a rounder middle), but not yet feeling any movement from inside, and so sometimes actually wondering if I am really expecting.

(However, I didn't have much of that wondering during the first trimester - I was too busy feeling sick to wonder too much.)

Pablo and I are starting to look into what needs to be done and what needs to be purchased and it feels very similar to preparing for our wedding. We'd like things to be nice and functional, and there are some things we will want to do in spite of the economics of it (like the nicer chairs at the wedding - so not necessary, but in the end I'm really glad we sprang for the extra perk).

Yet, similar to the racket that the wedding industry can be (not every vendor is part of it, I know), it seems preparing for and birthing a baby has a similar racket. Do we really need all of the medical tests offered (we said no to most...but not all)? I assume the special dinner offered new moms and dads at the hospital (surf 'n turf and a bottle of champagne) is actually billed to our insurance in some way - is that really necessary? 

We've been told just say no to the wipe warmer, and the diaper genie expenses continue past just getting the device (special bags needed, I guess). I do want an ultra safe car seat, but that doesn't necessarily mean the most expensive. (I am feeling like that should be new, however, not used).

We are going to be looking for a lot of second-hand items. A neighbor's 3rd child is just 1 year old and she's going to be participating in our neighborhood garage sale, so I think we'll wander over there at some point. We plan to check out second hand stores and have gladly accepted donations of used books and maternity clothing for the time being.

These changes are both immediate and a long way off. It's fun to think about, and a little daunting because of how much has to change. 

Making Changes

At this very moment, my husband is being a better advocate for my faith practice than I am.

Looking at the calendar, I realized that the annual meeting for our housing association is schedule on the first Wednesday in Lent. I have been looking forward to this - probably only the 2nd opportunity for me to meet others in our area in some kind of structured setting since I moved here 8 months ago.

I've been looking forward to putting names to faces and figuring out what the association does.

Then, I saw that it was at the same time of another thing I've been eagerly anticipating - worshiping at Lenten services.  So, P has now sent an e-mail to the association (an e-mail everyone will see) noting that the meeting is scheduled on a Wednesday evening in Lent and wondering if we can switch the meeting to a Thursday.

I hemmed and hawed as he wrote the e-mail (which is now sent). Is it okay to note that and ask that?

Part of me is nervous because I worry that people will read this as an attempt to press my religion onto others. Part of me is nervous because I wonder if they don't change it, I'll really have to decide and my decision might mean something to someone other than me. Part of me is nervous because it's not my style to make requests that might put out other people.

Another learning, I suppose.

Not so busy

"If you want to get something done, ask a busy person."

I have found this to be true. And, until recently I have been that kind of busy person. But now, I'm not.

This is the first time in my adult life that I am home most evenings. I'm reading. I'm following tv shows (although, Netflix tv often trumps network television). I'm cooking dinner 2-4 nights a week - like really cooking, not just warming things up. As I've mentioned before, I'm taking classes - well, now only one. My Spanish class was cancelled due to low enrollment.

I have enough time to complete all I want to do. Although, I still often don't get everything I'd like to done. There is not much urgency or importance. If I don't walk in the morning, there is always theoretical time in the evening...or the next morning. I am no longer feeling overwhelmed, or overextended, or exhausted, and I like that.

And, I am having a lot of BIG thoughts - about life, about faith, about what I would like to do. But, with no real outlet for them, they start to get lost.

I'm feeling a restlessness - and, at the same time, a selfishness with my time. I'm not so sure I want to commit to much, because I am enjoying this time of not extending myself too much. I'm enjoying being able to do all that I mentioned before. And, I hope to do more of those things that I've had on my list for ages (actually taking Spanish classes, guitar lessons, volunteering with something other than church, perhaps a cooking class or two).

I guess it comes down to decisions, and being willing to put myself out there - whether it's for things that are selfishly for me or for others (which, really, that's for me too). And, it's a question of balance - of how to say yes, but not too much.

A New Energy

Today I have a new energy.
I'm ready to think about a work future and be creative and inventive about how to go about living in an unorthodox  - and perhaps an unofficial - call.

Having five months off has helped. I've gotten to become resettled in who I am and my own faith. I've gotten to make some big life changes: marriage, a move. I've gotten to rest.

Getting to preach and preside yesterday certainly helped. I felt rejuvenated in a desire to study, to question, to explore and to put together a message. I felt at home leading liturgy and listening to people.

But, it has been conversations, particularly with two women, that have ultimately encouraged me. One, a bishop's associate in this area, who pushed me to think about how I can be involved and invited me to consider an opportunity - promising there would be others when I decided I wasn't ready to drive over an hour to and from work. The other, my friend who can say the words, "I worry that you aren't allowing yourself to use some very important gifts."

So, here is my plan:
1) Read theologically for ½ an hour a day.
2) Set up a meeting with the bishop in this area.
3) Talk with one of my pastors, the one who is the dean of the conference, and ask for some insight in who I should make a special effort to connect with and indicate my interest in supply preaching.
4) Connect with those pastors.
5) Have coffee (again) with the woman in my area who has pulled this thing off. This time, ask for specifics.
6) Continue to apply for other jobs - hoping that I can also gain something in work outside of the church world.
7) Pray. Pray. Pray.

Applying in Boxes

Yes, I am enjoying not being a pastor for the moment. And, yes, I am really enjoying having more time and getting to putter about a lot. But - oh boy, is it difficult to look for work when you don't really know what you want!

Today was especially trying since to apply for one of the positions on my list I had to procure a college transcript (with it's own hoops and tape) and then, after a couple hours working on applying, discovered that because I didn't have three years experience with data entry I wasn't qualified.

I know that I want to make some kind of difference outside of my home. I know that I want to work primarily within the Monday-Friday work-day perimeters. I know that I have certain skills, but it's hard to translate my experiences into online job applications.

I am fortunate that there is no desperation to my search. It's a bit of a blow, however, to realize that if there was I might not be able to take care of myself.

In this too I am gaining what I have wanted to gain, though - an understanding of how this world works outside of the bubbles I've been inside. 

De-pastoring

It's been four months since I have been a parish pastor. If I would have taken a sabbatical (after 8 years of ministry, I am considering this time a bit of one), I would have either been a month back in (the 3-month variety) or be starting to look toward the end (the 6-month variety).

Either way, I don't think I would be ready to go back yet.

I miss some aspects of pastoring: having a regular work-place where I feel competent; the fact that it was my job to study scripture, not just a spiritual discipline; getting to be surprised by how God works through me as I am present in people's difficult life situations.

But, for the most part, I'm really enjoying this time away from that work. I wonder if that will change if I do actually find work in a different field.



Perhaps the best part for me has been the opportunity to worship again. And, the opportunity to explore scripture and faith because I want to, not because it's my job. I've been surprised at how wonderful it has been to arrive to church on Sunday mornings without a preconceived notion of what the sermon should be about because of the assigned texts. I've loved getting to really sink into the worship & listen without having to think about what is going to happen next. I've been fed by being surprised by a choral anthem or a baptism or other parts of worship where I am not needing to be mindful of the details.

There are a few things at the congregation I am attending that are not "my style" - communion is every other week (plus festival celebrations) and there is a regularly scheduled praise band...which was good (well-rehearsed, music that the congregation could sing with, good theology) the first time I heard them, but since has been less than inspirational.

And yet, I am finding grace in these things too. Amazingly, without too much work, I'm finding the grace of not having everything the way I want it to be.

And, I'm finding my place. I'm getting to be involved at church without being in charge. I'm getting to explore and dream about other ways I might want to be involved in the community (Community radio? Maybe. Actually signing up for NoNaWriMo. Even if I don't write a word, the dreaming has begun. A regular Tuesday night! exercise class. Spanish lessons - it's like I have other interests than work.).

I haven't figured this out yet, but my love of/for God feels deeper, stronger and less work. Maybe it's because I'm at the beginning of a new chapter - maybe it's because I have more time. But, I'm thankful for this feeling of deepening - of the fires of my faith being stoked. And, I'm a little sad that it has taken stepping away, in a sense.

I really do hope that I find something soon through which I can earn money, make a difference in the world somehow, and get out of the house. But, I am content with finding the ways of serving God and the world outside of paid parish ministry for now. As I looked toward this time in between, I wasn't sure if that would be the case.

Married!

We are married!

It's hard to believe all that was crammed into the last 5 days. Family arriving, golfing, rehearsing, fun time getting ready - hot, hot, hot pictures - the ceremony:

...and the reception:

And, today, P is back to work & I am back to.....well, cleaning up and looking for work. 

There were a few moments for nerves - the understandable walking down the aisle. I think we both got a little wobbly during the vows (and actually, the family blessing almost started my waterworks at the very beginning). We just beat a storm while taking pictures and I was a bit worried that others would be worried about us. But, those are the emotions and the stories that go with big, life-changing events.

We both had a blast, felt loved and supported, wished we could have had more time to talk with so many loved ones who came to support us, and we think others had a great time too.

Most importantly, we are united in love and marriage - blessed by God and loved ones.

I may have to write another post about the amazing people who helped to put this all together, but, for now I'm reveling in the emotions.

Blessings

I just received a card from a former parishioner that is loaded with emotion. Loaded because her husband entered hospice care the weekend that I left that congregation. He died about a month later.

The card was a wedding card, and the note enclosed was such a blessing. Her well wishes for a happy marriage. Her thankfulness for my time with them - both casual visits, and when they received bad news. That she misses me (as I do her),

When her husband was going through treatment they couldn't get out much due to the fear that he would catch something. So when I would visit, we would spend a long time visiting. She missed interaction - and she very much enjoyed hearing about the wedding plans. And, I enjoyed hearing about their lives - particularly their life together.

It is now 2 days before the wedding (2 days!) and things are pretty much under control. I have a few odds and ends I want to accomplish this afternoon, but nothing that would be terribly missed if I failed to do it.

My parents are on their way - my siblings will be flying in this evening - and P is finishing up his last day of work.

I'm nervous about a few things: what if I get really uncomfortable in the dress? What if I'm not feeling well that day? The dance.....we haven't practiced like we said we would. But, overall, I'm just excited!

And, I'm feeling blessed by the people the surround me near and far. The people who, even as they grieve, take time to write a card of well wishes and fond remembrances. The people who have let me know they are praying. My family and friends who are traveling to be here. P's family who have been welcoming to me and have made sure certain things are covered. And, mostly, that P is excited too! That he is as likely to say "so many days until we're married!" as I am.

As a pastor, I always said to couples "something is going to go wrong, but it'll be okay - the most important thing is that you'll be married." I've experienced groomsmen fainting, people really late, a super hot day in an non-air-conditioned church, a snow storm, family fights (though not in the service), forgotten rings, and other missteps - and that's just in the church portion of the day!

I'm looking forward to a day filled with love and laughter - some missteps - some things that don't go quite the way we expect - and in the end, a celebration that sends us off into a life that will be a blessing to each other and the world - until death parts us.

Happy

I am happy.

The Knot tells me there are 19 days until the wedding. I've moved from being terrified by how small the numbers are getting to being really excited.

There are things yet to do, but I get the luxury of not working right now, so I have no doubt that what needs to get done will get done, and what doesn't get done won't be a big deal.

I am happy.

I've got a great roommate ;-) and it's been really easy to live together. I've spend time today putting books in my new bookshelves. There are plenty more yet to place, but it feels more and more like home.

I am happy.

I'm not working, and I am enjoying that. I know I will need to soon, but I find myself getting back to who I am rather than preoccupied with what I need to do for others. My passions are making themselves known again....and right now that's fun. I'm trying to pay attention to what gets me worked up and how I might be able to channel that energy. It's been in justice related issues, not necessarily related to church.

I am happy.

I am continuing to enjoy my new church. I spent a week helping with the 3-5 years olds in their vacation Bible school. That was great fun, particularly because I wasn't needing to be there all day. And, it was fun to see the kids respond and learn and to get to know some of them. Each time I worship, I am finding moments of unexpected grace - today at soloist that was heartbreakingly good, and incredibly humble. A couple weeks ago, a baptism where I didn't have any of my own judgements coming in (because, yes - the baptisms I'm truly excited for are the ones in which I know that the promises made by parents and sponsors and congregation will be kept...and the ones where they won't be are sometimes painful).

I have learned that for the first time since I started communing, I am part of a congregation that does not commune every week. And, I'm trying to find the grace in that as well.

I am happy.

Today, after getting my church in, Pablo and I took a long bike ride. There happened to be a community festival 1/2 a mile from our turnaround point, so we went the 1/2 mile further and enjoyed a kids' talent competition and an ice cream cone before we headed back. I would not have had the energy for a 15 mile bike ride most Sundays - or other days, frankly.

I am happy. I am reconnecting with myself and what is important to me and what I can do.

Social Security

As I began seminary 12 years ago, I remember Dorothy, the person one talked to for financial aid and such at seminary, advising to maintain residency wherever it may be, if it was at all possible. I thought she was talking about the high cost of license plates/stickers for Chicago residence. I wonder if she was also talking about the rigamarole of becoming a resident of Illinois.

Proof of birth, something that shows your written signature, proof of social security #, 2 items that show proof of residency (bills, bank statements, etc).

I'm working on those proof of residency items, I have what I need for proof of birth and written signature, but I have not had my social security card for ages. 

I'm not actually sure when I misplaced it. But, I'm positive it was before 2001.  It is 2013 and I have not been able to locate my social security card since 2001. And, I haven't needed it. Until now. 

(So, obviously, the requirements of becoming a resident of Wisconsin are a bit less strenuous.)

So, yesterday I went to the Social Security Office with my appropriate papers and identification, waited just under an hour, and was easily helped. I'll have to go back again once my name changes post-wedding, post-honeymoon, but it was relatively painless.

But, I had a good amount of time to watch and observe. I sat among quite a large crowd of people who were there for much more urgent reasons than myself. People who were on disability or needing to prove that there was one more mouth to feed. People who were likely losing money sitting there. People who were (successfully & quietly) wrangling little children in a crowd of unknown people.

I watched at the security officer - who looked rather tough - calmly quieted people as they became agitated at the wait, and then made sure to help the same people as he saw their number was about to be called. He approached the deaf woman and spoke in sign language when her number was called. He communicated with people in English and Spanish. 

I watched adult children helping elderly parents, of all different nationalities. I watched parents of newborns protective and in awe of the babes in their arms. I watched a mother of a few kids watch carefully as her older (about 5 or 6 year old) son needed to use the bathroom - she sent him there, calling out to be sure he locked himself in. 

I was reminded, yet again, of the many hoops poor people have to go through to receive aid. I was reminded of the privilege that comes with having a job that is salaried, of having easy access to transportation, of being white. Perhaps there are some people that try to cheat the system...I know there are among the wealthy. But I wish people who believe our country is headed toward socialism (and think it's a bad thing) could talk to the people that were sitting in that room and hear why they were there.

Moving Slowly

Since my condo was put on the market four months ago, I have been slowly moving things to P's home. But tomorrow is the big move. Due to the number of times that we've gone back and forth to each other's homes, there isn't too much left - mostly just the big stuff. And, we've got some wonderful friends who are going to help us at each end.

I'm practicing calling P's home, "our home" - but it sometimes comes out "the house." P is working on clearing out things/making space and I'm working on integrating my things into what is already here. It helps that there have been many spaces that have remained empty - or barely filled.

However, in some spaces we're going to have to pull everything out and start over - especially in the kitchen once we also incorporate all of our wedding gifts. But, that will have to wait until after the wedding - and we are already dreaming of the garage sale we'll have next year once we've figured out all the things that we're really doubled up on and/or no longer need.

I unpacked my dry goods and spices yesterday and did my best to "marry" items like flour and sugar and find homes for the many spices that we have. We will have to figure out a better organizational system for those, but they all fit in the cabinet - messily so, for the time being.

I recognize that two people coming together with their baggage - literally and figuratively- is work. I know that creating a home will take more than moving all of my stuff in - but the work that goes into managing a home - paying bills, cleaning the crevices, making decisions on decor - will all come with time and make "the house" into "our home."

The End...Until the Sequal

5:45am, Sunday, June 30, 2013.

My last day as a pastor for the unforeseen future.
I'm up, drinking my coffee, knowing I need to get going, thinking about what is to be done today.

I am saying goodbye to a congregation and a call that has been fantastic and challenging - that has made me question what I am supposed to be doing....but any call would have done that - that has fostered me in what has turned out to be a transition time in my life.

I am saying goodbye today to some wonderful people. Some who give so much of themselves to issues of justice. Some who are so passionate about education. Some who are always thinking about the next kind thing they can do. I am going to miss many individuals. It is hard to say goodbye.

But, what I am also saying goodbye to is the identity of pastor - at least for a little while. And, I'm not sure how that is going to be.

I'm looking forward to being able to put my phone on silent for the evening. I'm really excited about becoming a part of a congregation without having to have any answers or to lead anything (for a while at least). I'm feeling a sense of freedom at having evenings and weekends as my own. I'm excited to take a class regularly because I can have a regular evening available. I'm interested to see how I might engage in further community issues with a little more time on my hands.

But, I wonder where and when I'll have theological conversations and opportunities to study the texts with others (whether other clergy or lay). I wonder what it will be like to not say, "The body of Christ, given for you," looking people in the eye every Sunday morning. I worry that I might never find another kind of work that fulfills me in this way (although, I have never tried). I wonder what I will miss the most: preaching, leading worship, getting to hear challenges of people's lives and talk with them about where God is, home communion visits, teaching Confirmation, working with faithful people dedicated to the message of Jesus Christ.

6:00 am, Sunday, June 30th, 2013. It's time for me to get in the shower. The beginning of what feels to be a momentous day in my life.

Overdrive

I've been in a bit of an overdrive. Moving from one big emotional thing to the next. Trying to juggle the emotions, the tasks, the schedule.

Last night, at dinner and later ping pong (yes, ping pong) with friends - two couples who are just getting to know each other through me - I found myself sitting back and taking it in. It wasn't that I was withdrawn, although I wonder if it appeared that way to others. I was sitting in thankfulness - for my friends and that they can have such fun with one another. For their wit, their kindness, their sense of humor and care for me. For my Pablo and his presence by my side. For my city that I am going to miss big time (but get to visit because it really takes the same amount of time as driving into Chicago).

Today, I get to experience A Prairie Home Companion live for the first time. At any other time in my life I would be giddy and preparing by reading up and looking into things about what was going to happen. And, I'm sure that 1/2 an hour before the show starts I'm going to be super excited. But, it's not time for that yet. I've got so many other emotions and events to get through today before that happens.

There will be a relief when all of the leave taking and the moving is finished. A relief because I will then have some time to sort through emotions - to dwell and process in ways other than writing repeated blog posts.

I am so blessed - to have all of these events and experiences happening. To be able to have these connections with dear people and places. To be able to look with anticipation to what is ahead. And maybe, that can be the feeling that encompasses all of the others - blessed. In the joy, in the thankfulness, in the sadness, in the overwhelmedness - I am blessed.

Business Appreciation

I was thinking about my next oil change. At the last one, they put in some kind of wonder-oil that needs to be changed every 9 months or 8,000 miles or so. Or, at least that's what the sticker says. And, after 3 months of driving, I'm only 1,000 miles from needing an oil change - so I've got an appointment set for next Friday.

I won't have hit the 8,000th mile (or the 9th month) by then, but  by the time I do I'll be in IL. And, I like the automotive place I found. I like the people and trust them. I'm sad to be leaving them.

I'm also sad to be leaving my massage therapist. She has a small office space nearby and is amazing. In addition to the fact that I think she and I would be friends if we met a different way, she is incredibly good at her craft - and not expensive.

And my dentists. Now, I ran into a little trouble at one point, because one of my fillings needed to be attended to 3 times, but they took care of it. They are friendly, good at what they do - and willing to share my info - unlike my previous dentist.

And my dermatologist. She is someone who gets right down to business. After my first couple visits I realized that I should just take all of my clothes off and put on the hospital gown because she was going to look anyway and I'd be stuck stripping in front of her - which is even more awkward than just being naked already. I went in with eczema on 75-90% of my body and through treatment with light and some topical medicine I am down to about 2%.

I'm going to also miss my gas station and my bank and my yoga studio/instructor.

It takes a while to settle into a place. It takes a while to find the businesses and people you trust with your car and your body and your teeth and your money.

Looking forward, I know there will be people in these various professions who I will trust with these things, and yet, I am so thankful for these people and entities in my life - all of them in these last 4 years.

By the Numbers

10 days until my last Sunday as a parish pastor (for a while).

16 days until I move all of my things out of my condo.

24 days until my dad has his last Sunday as a parish pastor (forever).

25 days until condo closing (if all goes well with today's inspection).

71 days until P & I are united as husband and wife.

The numbers are not all that important - except they do show the passage of time. It does feel like so much is flying by. Some things I'm just looking forward for them to be done, such as the move & the closing. Other things I can't wait until they get here, like the week with my family at the cabin (post-dad's retirement) and, of course, the wedding.

Life is changing quickly.

Taking Leave

It's almost 9:30 at night, and I have at least an hour of prep to put in, but I'm going to allow myself 10 minutes of writing - to process - to be in this time when it feels like I am moving from one big thing to another.

Last night was my last council meeting. It wasn't until about 1/2 an hour before the meeting that I thought there would be anything more than the simple "thank you" speech from the president on behalf of the council. Instead, our check in time, which is usually used to have everyone note how they have seen or experienced Jesus in the last month, was used to lift up memories or thank yous to me.

Specific sermon illustrations came out. People feeling warmly welcomed - a lack of anxiety - a sense of joy - around me. Creativity in worship and being able to play and try things out with the other staff members and being able to wrangle and organize 30 teenagers and chaperones. Compassion. The skill I have at delegation - and being able to hear criticism and respond to it constructively. The impact on the kids (younger than teenagers) and on the Confirmation program. Having a theological reason for everything I do (well, almost everything).

I felt a little embarrassed. But, I also felt incredibly supported and known.

It was only two days ago that this whole leaving thing really started to sink in. So, the emotions are just starting to hit me.

I've known I should be moving on - I've recognized that I've not been as called to this work in the last couple years - but saying goodbye is still incredibly emotional - perhaps even more so because I don't know when I will get to be Pastor Becker next.

Then, today, as I'm sitting in the Fellowship Hall waiting for the kids to arrive for the third day of Vacation Bible School, 4-year old Tyler - looks at me intently and says - "You're not going to be the pastor here anymore" in his sweet, four-year old voice.

"But....but, maybe when you are a pastor at another church you can think of us on Sunday when you go to church."

I start to respond but he continues,

"And, I will think of you when I come here on Sunday."

Oh. My. Heart.

Four years old with the wisdom of an 80 year old.
I might have startled him with my tears streaming down my face as I asked for a hug. But, he gave me one and we kept talking after that for a little while until it was time to collect myself and talk about Zacchaeus.

My 10 minutes turned into 15. Perhaps there will be more leave-taking stories to follow.

Housing Exchange

I signed a contract with a realtor on February 25th, which meant that my condo went on the market. I hadn't intended to actually get my condo on the market until April 1st - after Easter, but once I decided on which realtor I wanted to use, he had me sign some papers, took some pictures - and it was up.

Yesterday, an accepted offer was made and signed. (!!) There are still some steps - the inspection, the closing. I am going to owe a little, but it will be a manageable amount (likely close to what I would pay if I had to pay my mortgage and condo association fees in August).

It's a big sigh of relief. And, interesting to be in this process from this end.
All in all, really good for me, especially with all of the other balls that I am trying to juggle at this time.

There is, however, some sense of melancholy with this news. A sense of a time of my life ending - an experience where it was only up to me to make decisions and make things happen. I've been craving this end, and yet....

I celebrate these last 8 years of living on my own.
I'm proud that I have handled problems. That I have created 2 different homes. That I reached out when I needed help, and, with a deep breath made decisions when I needed to.

I'm proud of my condo with the lovely bamboo floors, the exploration with paint (mostly successful), and putting in a new dishwasher.

I am so very relieved that the condo is (probably) sold. It is one less big-life event to juggle. I am so excited for what is coming up in life.

But, I feel the nostalgia seeping into this time as well.

No News

My car radio is out.
Sometimes it kicks back in for a second or more after a bumpy section of the road, but for the most part I'm radio-less.

This is both good and bad.
At a time when it seems I'm constantly diverting my attention with some other decision to make, this gives me time in the car just to be (and drive attentively). It means that my mind has time to mull over things, to turn phrases, to pray without other diversions.

However, it also means I have no idea what is going on in the world. I actually hear about 10 minutes of NPR as I get ready in the morning. I sometimes listen to music at work. I get most of my news from the headlines on my e-mail's login page...but I've discovered that I usually only look there if I have already heard of a story.

In this instance, no news is really not good. I like to be informed - to have an idea of tornados that his Oklahoma and Cicada's that take over the East coast. I like to hear the stories NPR produces and the Community Moments that 88.9 Radio Milwaukee creates.

I do have a little radio I can put in my car for the time being. But, maybe I'll go even further back from the radio and start buying the newspaper again. :-) Nah.

Lame Duck

I wish I could say I accomplished something significant today.
I cleared out e-mail that had piled up over a weekend away.
I edited a couple bulletins that didn't need much editing.
I made bulletins and prayers and lesson readings for 2 Sundays.
I cleaned up a bunch of candles.
I washed my alb.
I organized as much as I could for the time being for VBS.
I packed 3 boxes of books.

I'm a lame duck. I have 3 sermons yet to preach. Only 1 bulletin (and lesson sheet and prayer sheet) to prepare - the others are done. I have some visits to make, a week of Vacation Bible School to walk through (with the others who are mainly leading it), and not much else.

And, perhaps because I don't have a lot to do, I find myself fretting about things I can't do anything about. I'm worrying about timing and the sale of my condo and getting a new job. I'm worrying about how to move all of my things and whether or not I'll make friends in my new community.

I'm worrying because it's late at night. I'm worrying because I didn't exercise today and I didn't get much done today. I'm worrying because I don't have much to get done tomorrow. But mostly because it's late at night.

One day at a time. That's all I can do.

A Little Whine

Waiting is haaaard.

In the Meantime

The Knot tells me that P & I have 112 days until we are married. I have 51 days until my last day at my current call. Time is ticking by - sometimes quickly sometimes ooooh sooooo slooooowly. Of the things I can accomplish, they are getting accomplished. P & I are moving right along in our preparations for the celebration of our marriage. 

My condo is on the market. No bites in the 2 months it's been up, but other than continuing to keep it show-ready and analyze market and what I have it listed for - there isn't much I can do.

I've applied for a couple of jobs, but being the church-world, everything takes a long time. 

So, I wait. And, I try to move the things-in-which-I-have-any-ounce-of-control forward. 

In a brilliant move, P & I have schedule a number of fun activities (thinking we needed to make sure we didn't just become event planners). So, we are looking forward to a weekend at a B&B, a Cubs game, seeing Garrison Keillor at Ravinia, Violent Femmes/Avett Brothers/Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes at Summerfest, a Journey concert, and a few other events scattered in. P also has a few races scattered in there.

So, we're not just waiting. We're enjoying the "meantime" fully.

I realize that I have never posted a picture before. Partially, I think, because I started this blog with the hope of some anonymity. But, also because of technology and my reticence to spending time to figure it out. Here is a recent picture from one of our "in the meantime" activities - a Brewers game - with great seats!

 It was an enjoyable game in many ways....Brewers lost, but there were a lot of times they could have tied it up or come ahead - so fans were cheering. And, we got to witness a marriage proposal right below us.