Stepping Away

My very rough draft of my last sermon is done.

As with most sermon writing, I'm feeling relieved that I'm at this place, but also just feel like it's not enough. That is the usual. At least until after I preach and then I either feel one of three feelings 1) Meh, it's over. 2) Well, that sucked. or 3) Where did that come from! That was better than just me!

Lately, it's been #1. And, it's one of the signs that it's right that I'm wrapping this up. 

As I confessed to a group of other Lutheran Leader Women, I am feeling a bit of guilt in leaving the church in this particular moment. It had been determined well before the pandemic that this would be the very end of my time at this church. There are various pieces that pull to make this the right time - it's not just one. But, it's also a pretty crappy time for anyone who is needing to make decisions for how to move forward. 

Frankly (because this is my blog), it's also probably a pretty good time for me to step away because I would not be advocating for in person worship anytime soon and it seems like there is a strong desire from some to do so. I do not intend to step inside of any location where I am would need to sit in the company of other people until there is a vaccine. Perhaps I will change my mind about that, but if I were part of the group needing to determine when to meet next for worship, I would be advocating not at all. And, I don't think that's in step with where this community is.

So, while I'm not going to be naming that to the community, it is one more piece that makes me feel like this is the right time for me to step away.

Postcards

For the primary elections this Spring, I wrote 100 postcards that got sent to Wisconsin to encourage people to vote. That election ended up being quite the debacle, and I felt a twinge of guilt, even though the postcards were mailed well before the election happened. 

This time around, I've got 200 blank (well, now 198 blank) postcards to send during October for the general election in November. I'm actually hoping that I can finish these and request more. The postcards don't seem to target any particular kind of voter, but with the organizers being liberal leaning, I believe the understanding is that if more people vote it's more likely that the liberal candidates will be voted in. 

I'm nervous about this election. Nervous especially because I can't believe that people voted for our current president in the first place. And now almost four years later, I'm not really sure what to make of that. So, I'm going to write postcards. I'm going to vote (in my county I can request a vote by mail ballot). I'm going to encourage others to vote. I'm not sure what else to do.

Stream of Conscious

I am really not succeeding at writing every day, am I? I suppose this monthly resolution is accomplishing a little bit - I am writing more than I would have if I hadn't decided that June would be the "write something every day" month. And, I am writing - e-mails, birthday/anniversary/Father's Day cards (we have a lot in June. I'm preparing to write my last sermon and yesterday I finished "writing" the last worship e-mail for Christ that will cover July and August. 

And, I have been doing pretty well at fulfilling my May resolution of walking 5 out of 7 days a week. I didn't do it in May, but June has been great! It helps that I got my Fitbit back running (well, partially - it conks out once it reaches 50% battery life).

I should start working on my July resolution: Read a new-to-me genre. I might edit it because I have already committed to reading two separate books for conversations in July that began out of people's desire to work on anti-racism. So, even though neither of the books are new genres for me, perhaps that can be the July intention.

I had been thinking though - what would be a completely new-to-me genre, and really, I'm not sure. I think a history book - one that draws you in and is interesting - might be one. Or anything war or military related. But, I really don't think I'd enjoy that, and my goal would be to find one that would maybe have me considering picking up that genre again. Perhaps I'll push that goal back to August so I can really delve into the search for the right book.

Anti-Racism moving forward.

Continuing from yesterday's post - I realized today that some of what I have "done" up until now in regards to working on anti-racism beyond my own self has been through work. Through preaching, through educating, through using the power I have in that way.

And now I'm not going to have that pulpit - literally and figuratively.

So, how does this change? 

I wonder if the pulpit - and the privilege of its use afforded to me - was safe. What I spoke was personal. What I proclaimed was intimate. But, it didn't require me to act in the moment. I prepared. I practiced. I wrote. I Googled when I didn't know something. I used a manuscript. 

Stepping outside of the pulpit and continuing the work of fighting racism is a shift - and one I have to take. I suppose I have done it in some ways - drawing attention to some subtle racist language (that many white people are ignorant of the racist roots) used at my kids' daycare. Posting on social media. Dabbling my toes in the gun control movement locally. 

But it's not enough. 

Continuing to Grow into Anti-Racism

I have written very little so far about George Floyd, protests, defunding the police and all that has been moving in our country in the last two weeks. Because of social distancing, we've decided not to go to any in-person protests or vigils. I'm trying to figure out how else to support the movement. 

For the last couple of years I've been reading more, and keeping track of what I've read. This year I've got the goal of reading a book a week, and though sometimes I get a little behind, I've caught up and am on track. A subgoal these last few years has been to read more BIPOC and LGBTQ authors...mostly fiction and sci-fi, but also some non-fiction, memoirs, stories of the author's life experience. 

We have also given some to organizations that are doing work to support migrants (especially in detention), the NAACP, The Southern Poverty Law Center, and Planned Parenthood. I've sometimes communicated with elected officials and am going to try to do more of that. To keep educating myself about topics and speaking up about them. This communication is definitely one of my growing edges.

And, I'm listening. I'm listening through books I read but also through social media (though I'm trying to not be on that as much), and other media - movies, tv shows, podcasts, etc.

At this point I know there is more to do. But, between my family's social distancing intention and my attempt to be on electronic devices less when I'm around my kids (from 6:30am-9pm), I feel limited. And when I write that, it feels like an excuse. 

Risk Tolerance, COVID edition

We're at that point of social distancing where we're trying to figure out what our risk tolerance is. We saw my in-laws yesterday. They had not even gotten groceries as they were preparing for our visit. We had done pick-up where someone put it in our trunk (as noted in the previous blog post). But, we also had not gotten close to anyone.

But now we're eager - and cautious - to see other people. I'm especially eager to get the kids together with a few friends. And we're finding that we don't always have the same risk tolerance. It's taking a lot of communication. Some concessions. Some rethinking. 

And, as always it is a balance.

Groceries During a Pandemic

In an hour or so I'll be heading to get groceries. I completely recognize that we are in a place of privilege. I have already ordered the groceries, and the ones that were able to be gotten (almost all this time) have been paid for with my credit card. I will roll up in my car, pop my trunk, show my id (because we have beer in this order) and someone will go and bring my cart(s) worth of stuff and load it in my trunk.

I have not been inside a store or structure other than my home (except for church that one time to pack up my stuff) since mid-March. I know that's not possible for most families.

Things will be changing soon. After we get together with my in-laws this weekend, I'm going to try to make a trip somewhere (Costco, Trader Joe's, I haven't decided yet) to get some of the things I haven't been able to get since everything started. I'm not as worried as I was a couple months ago. In places where masks are required and sanitation is being attended to, I think I'll feel relatively safe. But I also recognize that in this, I feel privilege too.

Masking

Gabriel has set up the play room as a store. He did this for months over the winter, and I got him to put it away after he stopped playing with it for a while. But, today it opened back up.

And, as he was getting ready to go "shopping" in the store, David asked Pablo where his face mask was, because he needed it to go to the store.

We have not talked all that much about wearing face masks. They have worn theirs a bit. In April we went on a family hike on a path where we saw a lot more people on than expected. David has tried his on a few times. They have seen other people wearing them when we're on walks. But, David gathered that going into the store required a mask because of hearing Pablo and I talk to each other.

I'm hoping that masking will not feel scary to them. That if Gabriel needs to wear one when he begins school that it can be maybe only a slight inconvenience, not something that feels frightening. But, that worry is for another day.

I understand that masking is really to keep other people safe from our germs, and I'm very confident that we don't have anything dangerous to share. But, once things loosen up, I guess we just don't know. And so we will take precautions.

Happy Home

We moved into our house 10 ½ months ago. We're still getting acquainted with it. We're figuring out how we want things, what we want to do in the future, what we actually have under our fingertips. 

Some things are not so great. We have a specific place where we know mice have gotten in. It's not a huge problem - we think we've only had 2 so far, but we're not exactly sure where we need to fill in order to stop this. We also have a silverfish problem and are working to address it. And, we're looking toward replacing our roof. 

But other things are so amazing. We keep have surprises bloom on the plants all around us. Our deck is especially comfortable at most times of day, but especially late afternoon and evening. The tree outside of the office blocks the direct sunlight which means it's sunshiny, but not sweltering. We have beautiful roses. I suppose that falls under the surprise blooms. But, they feel like an additional plus.

Our basement is cool when it's hot. Most basements are, but ours includes plenty of room to play, watch a movie, exercise - and has a bathroom too! We have lots of different spaces for us to be - to change up our scenery. Gabriel has found that he likes to read books in our family room - behind one of our chairs on the floor - in the sun. 

Above all, I am so thankful that we moved here when we did. That we're doing this homebound time in this home and not our last one. It is a huge blessing.

6 Feet Back

Our family has been continuing to social distance even as others are starting to open up a bit more. For the next week our reason is because we're going to have a visit with my in-laws who are in their 80's.

It's felt like a hard week to be socially distant. With protests and rallies held for Black Lives Matter and calls for police reform (or defunding). I *think* anything I would have gone to (which would have included bringing the kids to) would have been safe. All of the ones in our area were saying that everyone needed a mask and should try to stay 6 ft apart from people. I would have loved to have brought Gabriel to one of these to help our conversation about race, dignity, our responsibility and the part we play in making changes.

It's also been a little hard because I'm seeing people get together - with kids - with friends - to begin to ease those social distancing practices. I'm not even sure when or how we will begin to do that, but I know both of my kids will loooove it when we can.

First Steps

And, I missed a day. *Sigh*

I was writing - but not for myself. Or maybe, yes for myself, but not in order to reflect.

Yesterday I had a multiple e-mail conversation with the mayor of our town. I wanted to know more about how the police department is governed and the policies they follow. I wanted to know more about the work of anti-racism among our leadership.

I learned that our police department appears to have those policies and be required to be in regular training that many have called for as specific requirements that would contrast police brutality. I'm now understanding that many in the movement are more interested in defunding police, that these policies don't go far enough. And, frankly, I haven't taken the time to look more into what that means.

The mayor said that "this topic" (I think policy requirements of our police department) will be part of the conversation at the next board meeting.

I also learned that there have been some steps to pay attention to ways that our community has not been hospitable to BIPOC, namely in terms of housing. I pushed more with the mayor, and he responded - perhaps not as far as I would have liked him to have, but it felt like a good first step in my communication with him.

I believe they are holding their board of trustees meetings so that people can observe them from home during this time of COVID. The next one is next Tuesday. I hope to be able to listen in.

Full Circle

It's earlier in the day - but I have a child demanding that I lift him up. I'm not sure which is harder.

I discovered just a little bit ago that the scripture that I will preach on for my last Sunday at Christ (very possibly the last Sunday I preach as a pastor) will be the same scripture that I preached on as my first Sunday as an ordained pastor, 15 years ago.

It feels like each time I leave a place, the taking leave feels longer and longer. School years, including internship and student teaching, always included an ending from the beginning. But still, there did not seem like there was a long time between starting to prepare to leave and actually leaving.

My first call leave-taking seemed like it went pretty quickly. The seed of leaving was planted at the end of May and I was gone by the end of August. As I write, I realize that in my second call the leave-taking was also a bit prolonged. We got engaged in November (and it was announced near the beginning of December), and I didn't leave until the end of June. It wasn't obvious to everyone that I would be leaving, but it also wasn't surprising.

This time around, the council president and I knew in November, but didn't talk until December 1st, that a call wouldn't be able to be financially viable. And, at this point my on-leave-from-call status is running out. So, now we are starring down June 28th, 2020 as the last Sunday I'll be serving as a community's pastor. Really about the same amount of time as my 2nd call. But, it's feeling really drawn out. Not that it feels that way to the congregation, but I am feeling relieved that the leave-taking has officially begun with a letter going out on Monday.

Too Late

It's only day 3 and for the second day in a row I almost forgot to write.

Does this count?

It might have to. I have started three different topics and erased them all. Writing at night is not something I do easily or well.

And, I have laundry to fold yet - and a book coming due at the library soon.

There is more time to write tomorrow. Hopefully before 10pm.

Sleeping Pill

It's late to be writing for me. I often write best in the early morning and here it is almost 10pm.

Since mid-April I've been taking ½ a Zyrtec pill each night for my allergies. Most people do not become drowsy with this medication. I am not most people. It knocks me out - which is why I only take ½ a pill. (My allergist also has this happen to her. Since others had tried to convince me it's not supposed to make you drowsy, I felt so vindicated when she shared that it's uncommon, but it happens to her too.) Even though it makes me groggy I have continued to take it because it's been the allergy pill that has worked best on my allergies.

An added perk: because of the Zyrtec, I sleep heavily and usually do not have a hard time falling asleep or (most of the time) returning to sleep when David gets me up in the middle of the night. When people have talked about having trouble sleeping during this stressful time I realize that I am somewhat grateful to have this unintentional sleeping pill.

What to Write

My monthly "resolution" for May was to walk 30 minutes 5 times a week. That didn't happen. I started out well, and after a strong 10 days I didn't fight for that time anymore. My kids take a lot of coaxing to make it out the door sometimes.

June's resolution is to write something every day. I haven't put perimeters on it, but I guess I'm thinking that it's going to be writing for myself. Maybe here. Maybe a journal I have. 

There is a lot to write about. The country is currently embroiled in protests regarding the murders of black people by police. The murder of George Floyd, 6 blocks from my sister's home in Minneapolis, was only the spark to the gas that has been building forever. There are protests around the world. And in many cases, as the protests during the day wind up, looters and rioters - taking advantage of the situation - roll into town. Destroying businesses not as a reaction to injustice, but in order to fan the flames of division and hate. In order to create chaos and instill fear. In Minneapolis it's appearing as if those doing this are coming from out of town, changing license plates and are white. In Chicago it's been reported that looters audaciously came with U-Haul trailers.

It's also seeming that there are two opposing reactions from police - sometimes at the same protest. Sometimes police are attacking protests without provocation - or at least that is what it seems like by those who are there. Peaceful protesters with hands up end up with mace in the face - or crowds of people all of a sudden have to leap out of the way (even those with older people and young children) of police vehicles barreling through. 

But then there are many places where police are joining the protests. Calling for reform. Standing with those who are marching. Kneeling as those around them kneel. I hope for more of that. 

I'll have more. We're in a strange spot where it seems like so many people are not engaging with all that's going on in the world. Except, how would we know? We're continuing to self-isolate even as others become more social. I'm worried about what two weeks from now will bring with new cases. 

I've now got a last worship service on the calendar. It will be over Zoom, which is so strange, but I'm grateful that the council isn't interested in trying anything in person.

I'm starting this new "camp" with the boys - a different topic each week. Today is the first day and this week's topic is the moon.

And, there is definitely more to talk about with racism and white privilege.

School Bus Routine

I miss the routine of seeing the school buses that stop outside our house. Three in the morning, two in the afternoon (perhaps a third that I never quite figured out?). They framed our getting ready routine. By the 8am bus we needed to be heading upstairs to get dressed. And, they helped us know that we had just a little bit of time before Daddy would get home and I would need to start making dinner.

Now, while not quite as routine, and not quite as noticeable, we have more walkers passing by. And more frequent delivery trucks make the noise the school buses used to. These would always have been here, and the school buses would have stopped at this point. But, I still miss them. And there is a sadness connected with them not keeping their routine.

Stay In Power

March 14th was the last time my family was inside together someplace other than our own house. The kids have now "finished" preschool at home. (They really didn't do much other than watch some videos their teachers had posted, do a project or two, and Gabriel finished a few letter worksheets.) We picked up their school items last Monday.

It's been over 2 months since either of them have played with kids other than each other. They have talked on FaceTime or on the phone with family members. We did one socially distant visit to their Abuelitos. But otherwise, their playmates have been their parents and each other.

And most of the time they are doing so very well. But sometimes they just get tired of each other. And, often they want to go someplace other than outside or in our house.

Gabriel refused to go and pick up preschool things even though he could have seen his teacher because he didn't want to go if he couldn't get out of the car. David had a bit of a temper tantrum yesterday as we walked past the playground. He first started by crying (after he tripped) and saying that he was sad that the playground was closed. But, he soon moved into proclaiming the virus must be gone because he can't see it.

We're "camping" in our living room tonight, to have something different on this Memorial Day weekend. We're not quite ready to try the backyard, and it's supposed to storm tonight anyway. So, we'll set up a tent, make s'mores at the kitchen table and hope that we get some sleep on the living room floor.

It's going to be a while until we can be carefree inside - and a while until the kids can really play with friends. We're very fortunate and I'm so grateful to be in the home we're in with the yard we have. I'm thankful that my kids play well together and are the age they are. But, this still is hard.

Packing Up

Because in-person worship will likely not happen before I finish up at the interim position I've been in for almost 3 years, I went in today to empty my office and get rid of all those papers that I've saved for reference for later (? why ?). And, in my "personal" drawer, with the sanitary pad, gum and extra crayons for my kids, I found a new breastmilk bag. I remembered that when I started this position, I was still nursing my youngest and had to close off my office around lunch time each day to pump. I remembered both loving the time without my kids hanging on me, but also missing them greatly and detesting the pump. I remembered thankfulness for the other staff in the building - all women - who never raised an eyebrow to my closed door and drawn blinds - and who were supportive of my family even as they barely saw them. A whole bunch of emotions hit me. Sadness at leaving mixed with sadness that my kids are growing. Joy at leaving mixed with joy at my kids not needing me nearly as much. Trepidation about what comes next - for the congregation, for the church, for my kids, for my professional life. It's amazing what happens in a few years, with kids, with a church (even when you're very part time), with your own frame of mind.

Joy

Today is the 3rd Sunday in Advent. During the children's message, as we prepared to light the third, rose-colored candle, I shared an idea from from Henri Nouwen about happiness and joy:

According to Nouwen, happiness is dependent on external conditions, joy is "the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing – sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death - can take that love away." So, even when we are at our lowest, we can still experience joy.

We lit the candle, and continued with the readings - during which the candle went out. Before I read the Gospel, I took a moment to try to light the joy candle, but it wouldn't take (the wick was too low) and said something like that we continue to have joy in our hearts even if the candle isn't lit.

As soon as there was an opportunity - during the offering, a member of the congregation who is going through an incredibly tough time (really, a horrible time), was up there trying to do everything she could to get it lit. It still wouldn't take. After worship she took that pink candle out of worship with her and brought it back a few minutes later having carefully removed the excess wax so that the wick could light.

That joy - the joy that comes from a love that even sickness or failure, or family member's bad decisions, or chaos, or death - shines bright.

Come, Lord Jesus

These past couple weeks have been a blur of child sickness, Gabriel's birthday, more child sickness, (different child, longer and more parent-attention- needed sickness), and now preparing to host Thanksgiving and a birthday party. All at the same time I'm also trying to balance work that itself is feeling like a balancing act between hope and despair - between the work of a spiritual guide and a small-business administrator.

So, as I sit pre-dawn trying to unscramble my thoughts about Advent 1 - about what the Lord's coming means - I realize that the place I've seen God most recently (other than in love shared in family), has been the opportunity to preach, to study texts a little and be forced to come up with something that has truth, hope, reality and love - and to do so almost every week. Sometimes the entire process is so hard - but at other times, I'm energized by the thoughts that come into my head. The sermon preparation itself feels like a conversation with God as I wrestle through what certain things are saying and how they apply to our world as we know it and the world that we believe will yet be.

This morning, my prayer of Come, Lord Jesus, isn't a table prayer prior to eating, but a desk prayer as I write and ponder.