Wrapping Up (and Reading)

Have I missed anything? Probably. There are many other things for which I am thankful.

This month it often felt like a task to write and explain each topic of thankfulness. I am glad that I've done it - and I may very well do it again. There were even times during this month that I wondered if I would continue to do this into Advent/December/maybe more. But, while I'd like to try to post more frequently - working out what I'm thinking- I don't think I'll do it with an extended theme regularly.

I would much rather spend my time reading than writing. I love stories - especially stories that invite me to use my imagination or that I can get into a new world for an extended period of time. I'm thankful for books, whether paper or electronic, and for the times I'm able to squeeze some reading into my life.

Mom and Dad

For November 29th, 2018

My parents are coming for the weekend to celebrate the kids' birthdays. And, it's recently been decided that they are going to come for Christmas too! I am so excited for both of these visits. While there are always challenges to more bodies in a small space, I am always thankful for the times my parents are able to come and be with us.

I'm also thankful for the ways in which our relationship has evolved. There are still times when, at my request, they offer opinions, suggestions and help. But, they are careful in how they parent at this time in our lives. They may ask a question, but with little intention of directing my actions. I know I am not so pure of intention with all of my questions, but they sure seem to be. The still parent when called upon, but mostly just love and care.

The last few years have been difficult to have much of any adult conversation with them. Really, it's been difficult to have any kind of adult conversation with anyone. I often don't know what's going on in their lives and don't have a lot to share with them other than kid-related things. There are times, though, when we're able to get into some of those deeper conversations - and those conversations with these particular people help me see myself better - and to be grounded.

I am always thankful for my parents.

Eye Crinkles

Yesterday I noticed I have eye crinkles - aka smile wrinkles fanning out from the corner of one's eye. I'm not actually sure how long I have had them, but I definitely have them now.

I remember noticing certain people's eye crinkles when I was younger - and loving them. Loving that it meant the person had smiled and laughed (or maybe just squinted a lot). I wanted to have some too.

And now I do. And, I'm glad (and thankful).

Laurie Berkner

When I knew I was pregnant I went searching for new kids music to play and sing and dance with my kids. I didn't really find anything new - or danceable. The words I used to search were probably off. Anyway, somehow in the last 4 years I heard a musician named Laurie Berkner - and in this last year especially my kids cannot get enough of her.

There are some songs that both boys sing along to (David with sounds, Gabriel with words). We searched out a timpani earlier in the year because one is used in one of her songs. One of her songs begins with a countdown: 5...4...3, 2, 1 - Blast Off - which I often use to get my kids moving.

I can only handle so much of most kids music, but her music is fun and peppy and easy to listen to for hours on end. She plays a kid show at Ravinia each year, and we got to go this year. It was well worth it and I'm betting we'll go again.

I recently bought her Christmas album from about 5 years ago. One of the songs sings, "Christmas is coming..." It was on and Gabriel was singing it as we started up the stairs to get ready for bed. He excitedly turns to me and yells - "THIS SONG IS RIGHT! CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"

I am thankful for Laurie Berkner.

Snow Day

Today is a SNOW DAY!

Because of a restless kiddo, I only slept until 3:30. Lately I've had a difficult time falling back to sleep afterwards. This time, at least part of the reason why I was too restless to fall asleep again was because of my excitement about the snow.

Now it's pretty gusty out - and there are blizzard warnings (which I'm pretty sure is why the schools ended up closing), but I'm still going to try to get us all bundled up after breakfast to go out and play. And maybe again later in the day too.

I also have a couple of craft ideas for us to work on as well.
We have been home for the last 4 days for Thanksgiving, but for some reason I'm not feeling like we're going to struggle with being home for another day. I'm looking forward to the adventure of today. And, for that, I am thankful.

Sundays Off

One of the perks of my current gig is that I get one Sunday off a month. Often this Sunday has gotten used for traveling or an event, but sometimes (like today) it will allow me to worship with my family.

Neither of my kids are very easy to handle in worship. And, as previously mentioned, Pablo superhumanly does it himself a couple times a month. I like these opportunities for us to be one-on-one with our kids and for me to get to help one pay attention (often I have Gabriel), whispering what is going on up front. 

Plus, it gives me the opportunity to hear another preacher - to hear the words of institution spoken for me. For these moments, I am thankful.

Spontaneity

For November 24th

My life has not had a lot of room lately for spontaneity. The extent has been with Gabriel has suggested we stop at a park or when I've decided we should head somewhere after naps for about an hour.

Yesterday, an acquaintance who I run into more than others, posted in a group wondering if anyone could meet up for lunch or dinner and because I was trying to plan a solo Target trip, I was able to make it happen. It was a lovely conversation and nice time away.

Today (and yesterday), I'm thankful for the growing ability to be spontaneous. Something that having children (especially children with food allergies) makes less easy.

Siblings and Their Families

While distance separates me from my siblings - and I see them only a couple times a year, I am so thankful for the relationship we have grown into as adults. And, I am thankful for their significant others and for my nephew.

I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and nephew, along with my parents, in just a week! They will get to come for our boys' birthday party and spend the weekend. We got to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law in California in October. And, we will all gather together sometime after Christmas (exactly when has yet to be determined).

My siblings are now, especially, two of the people who I know will almost always understand me when I need to talk through something. They are thoughtful, generous and fun. They each are very in touch with their emotions, and are able to acknowledge them and talk through them when it's helpful.

I do really wish we lived closer to each other and could see each other more - maybe even get together just the three of us from time to time. But, for now - we relish the time we do have together and send lots of messages and videos to keep us in tough.

Thanksgiving Traditions

On this, the day of Thanksgiving, my idea for a post I'd like to write feels complicated. Both because it's not completely clear about what it is I'm thankful for and also because my emotions are not completely clear.

Holidays and the meals/events that go with them have felt tough since joining my life with another person. They feel tough because I'd like to continue some of my own traditions, adopt some of his and to make some traditions together. And, I think we're likely doing that. So, for that I can be thankful.

What feels hard is that every family gathering that happens on the actual holiday is spent in what feels like someone else's traditions. We spend almost every holiday with his family - and understandably, they aren't trying to combine traditions with anyone else's - they're just doing what they always do.

And so, even when my family (me) hosts, the practices and traditions (even as simple as how you fill your plate with food) feel like they have to be fought for. So, my writing today is complicated. I guess I'm complaining that I don't get to celebrate the actual holiday with the warm feelings I'd like to. It feels like a negotiation - in which I'm the only one really trying to negotiate.

But, I am thankful at the same time. I'm thankful that together Pablo and I are creating traditions within our own family. I'm thankful for the traditions I have had growing up that I remember fondly and want to emulate. I'm thankful that we do have people close by with which we continue traditions - even if they are not my own.

Cooking

A reflection for Wednesday, November 21st.

I missed writing yesterday because, among other things, I was preparing for hosting Thanksgiving dinner. When I wasn't directly interacting with my kids, I was plodding away at steps to put together Thanksgiving dinner for 7 adults and 2 kids. I enjoy all of this planning, shopping, and the art of cooking.

I mostly follow recipes - and am often trying new ones. But, as our family's allergy needs and palates have changed, I've developed a number of "go-to" recipes that I don't need to do as much studying to prepare for. Sometimes I can even be at the grocery store, think about possibly making a particular dish, and pick up everything I need for it without the recipe or a list.

It has taken me a while to feel comfortable with cooking - even though I've wanted to be good at it and comfortable with it. I still have regular misses. But, as I expand my menu I've had more hits.

I should also note, I am grateful that we have food readily accessible and that, with the allergies we have, we are able to afford the more-expensive alternatives that allow for pretty equivalent substitution.

As I write this, I realize I would name cooking as a hobby. And, for a hobby that I enjoy and that helps me feed my family, I am thankful.

The Opportunity to Be Something In Addition to "Mom"

Today is Tuesday - the day the boys go to daycare and the day I get to spend a good amount of time doing the work I get to do. Today, I'm spending more time in the office than normal - because I have this Sunday off, so I won't have to be working on a sermon later.

Sometimes Tuesdays are hard because the boys, while well cared for and fine once we get there, are not always thrilled with having to go to daycare. Those hard times of getting us all out the door also help me appreciate that this work that I get to do lets me be more than mom for some time. I get to come and be something that I was prior to being a mom (with different people, but the work is similar). I get to regularly experience a little bit more of the wholeness of who I am and get to create and use my brain differently than I do when consumed by trains and board books and playing Batman and Robin.

And, honestly, sometimes I'm just grateful that it's someone else's responsibility to take care of my kids for a minute.

Another day, when this isn't about thankfulness, I'd like to write a bit about what it's been like rediscovering who I am as a pastor - and how that is held with who I am as a mom. That could take a while though.

Today, I am thankful that I do get the opportunity to flex a different skill set a couple times a week.

Gabriel's Teachers (and others)

Today Gabriel had a hard day at school. The only way I know is that his teacher stopped me when I was picking him up to tell me about it. He had two incidents where his emotions were on the surface and he had to be calmed - which may be normal at home, but according to his teacher is not normal there. In each case a different teacher was a calming, comforting presence. Allowing for his emotion, assuring him that everything was alright.

Afterwards, as I was explaining things to Pablo, I realized I wasn't positive what had actually happened in the second incident, so I sent an e-mail and was assured that everything was accidental (and in response to my concern, that it was completely fine if I e-mailed).

I am grateful for these kind, sensitive, level-headed (and fun) teachers. There are others too that have been in Gabriel's and David's lives and I'm especially grateful for a couple of David's daycare teachers as they've loved on him, made sure that all is safe in regards to allergies for him and have created a warm classroom.

While I sometimes feel jealous of other people when they're getting to spend time with my kids (that I'm paying to do so) I am so grateful for these women.

Pablo

The other night I saw a Facebook friend of mine had done one of those quizzes where you ask someone questions. Often I see them in relation to children - asking things like "who is your best friend?" and "what is your favorite food?" Questions that might mark some maturing, but also could change before you're done with the quiz.

The quiz I saw this time was to ask one's significant other. So, just for fun I asked Pablo these questions. As I asked the questions I grew more and more amazed. I was surprised by some of his answers - surprised because they were more true than the ones I would have given. Near the end I exclaimed, "Wow! You really know me!"

Life as parents with young kids who require constant entertainment - and who don't fall asleep before 9 and are up before 6 - means we have little time together. And, the one-on-one time we do have is often crammed in - there isn't time to just ease into conversations or do a lot of just "being." There's an intensity to the time we set up to focus on us - date nights or time stolen while the kids are at daycare - after we've both gotten home from work.

It's not uncommon for one of us to say, as we're getting into bed, "I was going to tell you something, but now I can't remember what it was." We text throughout the day - share pictures and make lists of topics - but still details slip through the cracks. We try, though. And most of the time whatever it is either is remembered eventually - or probably wasn't all that necessary to share anyway.

All this is to say, our relationship in this season of life is definitely different than it was 6 years ago - the night that Pablo proposed to me in his kitchen (prior to our Vegas trip). And yet, I am so very grateful for Pablo in my life and that he is the partner with whom I get to navigate decisions and challenges, joys and opportunities. He is thoughtful, curious, an excellent father, observant (much of the time), likes to make me laugh and is supportive of my dance in figuring out who and what I'm going to be. And, even when it doesn't always feel like we're connecting, I'm reminded that he knows me - and loves me. And I love him.

Gabriel

My baby is 4-years old today! The last few days Pablo and I have been remembering where we were at that moment 4 years ago. It's amazing to think of that tiny baby that I was just starting to get to know 4 years ago is now my smart, stubborn, funny, loving kid.

We enjoy talking and learning about so many things. High on his list of interests are Batman, dinosaurs, baseball, trains, snow, cars (cars, cars), cooking, biking and running, and stickers. He's full of compassion - but also sometimes struggles with seeing that what he is doing might hurt someone.

He loves tv - right now Ummizummi is on while I write this. But, he's not very interested in watching a movie and gets frightened by many movies that are for kids.

He pays attention to everything and will repeat back song lyrics or phrases that he heard only once or twice. He enjoys being read to - and we've started to read some simple chapter books. We had his school conferences last Monday and learned that he's right where he should be - plays independently and with imagination. Plays well with others (as well as is expected) and participates in class.

Pablo and I are so proud to be his parents. I pray that his imagination, creativity and compassion continue to grow and that I can help foster his development in various areas well. Today, a bit out of nowhere at lunch he said, "I love you mom, I love you dad." He loves - and is loved - very much.

Kindness

The topics of these posts really highlight what I spend the majority of my time doing and thinking about: parenting and my family. I talk about this being a season of life, and I do believe that we are in a particularly time-and-energy-consuming period of our kids' lives. It will not always be this consuming.

However, today I am thankful for kindness of people who are either a stranger or who I do not know well. I got to be the parent helper in Gabriel's class today and one of the other moms made sure to tell me how smart he is. More importantly, though, she told me that her daughter, who started school late, said that Gabriel is one of her best friends and that he said hi and was friendly to her right away. So - awww, yes, my kid is learning kindness. But also, what kindness of that mom to make sure I knew about that.

Another example of kindness: we had to pull over to the side of the road yesterday because Gabriel and I failed to make sure there was enough empty bladder space for the 15-minute ride home. Anyway, I was pulled over in a bit of an out-of-the-way place, with my hazards on for about 3 minutes. I was getting Gabriel back in the car when another car pulled up and a woman offered help - assuming something was wrong with my car.

Sometimes it feels like it's hard to find kindness - so I'm grateful for three examples shows to me in the last couple days.

My Children's Joy

Every single day I get to hear giggles coming from my two boys. Tickles, jokes, pure joy while running, playing, singing, dancing.

Today we got to go and play in snow as it fell and gathered on the ground. Gabriel can be mischievous as he grabs snow and launches it towards me, laughing as he does so. He gets incredibly excited sometimes and just cannot hold back a squeal of glee. He can be intense in all he does, but especially in having fun.

David is almost always good natured and really has fun if he's doing whatever everyone else is doing. He loves to jump - especially at gymnastics - and run, chasing after his brother.

These kids are just enjoyable to be around ( usually), and certain bring so much joy to each day.

Cuddletime

Almost every night I get to cuddle with Gabriel - and he will ask to sometimes when we're reading or watching tv. He definitely wants us to as he's falling asleep. It sometimes means he has a hard time when he wakes up in the middle of the night, but we're working on that.

While David has often been the better sleeper of our two kids, that hasn't been true the last few months. He's often gotten up in the middle of the night - and unlike Gabriel, who usually just wants company, David is ready to get up and go. 

Today he woke up at 5, but instead of being insistent that he start playing or watching tv, he snuggled into me and snoozed for about an hour and a half. I tried to get him back in his crib during that time, but he wasn't having it. And so, today I am thankful for cuddles with my boys.

Childcare

I was very much against sending my kids to daycare. I didn't want the germs. I didn't want my kids to feel like I was trying to get rid of them (that's my own issue, I understand that). I wanted to be the one attending to each day's emotional, physical, social and mental development. But, then....work....

My boys go to daycare (at the same place where Gabriel attends preschool and David will start in January) one day a week. These last two weeks David has had a small fever the day before, so I've had to keep him home, but daycare worked with me and I was able to bring him each of the Fridays following, while Gabriel was at preschool.

Today there is a "Thanksgiving Feast" for all the kids. Parents are invited, but I'm not going to be going. I made sure to verify that David would still have his allergy meal - so he wouldn't end up having a reaction or not have anything to eat. But, because I've taken it for granted that the meals at daycare are nut free, I didn't think about whether the catered Thanksgiving meal would be nut free until I dropped Gabriel off.

As I searched for the director to verify, so assured me that it was definitely nut free.

They have been so accommodating for us - which I would hope they would be for anyone with allergies. But, also, they have accommodated our one-day-a-week schedule. They've allowed me to switch when something has come up on our one day (as long as there has been room). Most of the teachers/caregivers are wonderful!

Although David sometimes doesn't eat much while he's there, he always seems to have a good time. His teachers report him to be happy and easy-going. When I come to pick him up he's usually having a great time (once he was still sleeping after nap - when everyone else was up, but that was one of the days he was getting sick).

Gabriel sometimes seems a little shy when I drop him off - and sometimes when I pick him up he's definitely just playing by himself, but then he reports playing with some specific kids and excited about what they do and say. And, maybe he is just enjoying what he's playing with? He also has gotten really excited when we see other kids outside of daycare, but shy when we approach to say hi.

And yes, they have been exposed to a few more germs. But, we make it through - and the next time they don't suffer as much.

I am grateful to have this good solution to our childcare needs.

Coffee

So far my thankfulness topics have been pretty serious. I do have a lot to be sincerely thankful for - and there is more yet to come. But, today, I am thankful for hot coffee.

I used to be able to drink 4 cups a day, and I'm sorry to say that that no longer feels great to me. But, I do relish my 2, sometimes 3 cups, each morning.

I love the feeling of drinking coffee. The warmth that goes from the cup to my hands as I hold the cup, preparing to sip. The feeling of the warm drink moving down my throat into my stomach comforts me.

I like the taste of coffee. And, for the most part I like it black. Every once in a while with a little bit of cream. Every once in a while with a little sugar - but only when it's really thick.

I like the caffeine in coffee and for the most part like the burst of energy - that borders on jitteriness when I drink too much.

And, I like my favorite cup. It makes me laugh. A great way to start the day.

Parenting Partner

Today - and every day - I am so grateful for my partner in life...and most obviously now, my partner in parenting. Many weekends, parts of Saturdays and Sundays mean that Pablo takes on the stay-at-home parent lifestyle. And, he easily navigates all that is required to care for (and entertain) our boys.

I'm especially grateful for this on Sundays. It's not easy bringing two busy young kids to worship by oneself. Especially when the other parent is up front. While it's not part of his own practice, Pablo brings the boys twice a month to worship - even as that means he essentially brings the boys for about 10 minutes of doing what most of us think of as worship - and the other 40 minutes (we have short services) chasing after the boys heading in two different directions.

I do feel that pang of wanting to sit with my boys, whispering guidance and explanation to them throughout the service. But, even as I can't be that person, I am so very glad that Pablo is up for the task of herding and parenting that makes it possible for me to do my work and the boys to grow up in the church.