I hate being the one to set other people's boundaries. I don't like having to tell people what to do.

I don't like confrontation. Especially when it involves me needing to set boundaries (my own and others). I do it because it's necessary. While I might initially step back, I don't shy away from it.

I especially don't like it though, when it involves my personal life. Here I drag my feet.

Just Wait

A couple minutes ago I went to get rid of some flowers that are over a week old when I noticed that a couple of the more hidden, tiny ones are just starting to bloom. Sure, the more showey flowers are dead - brown even (and should have been thrown out a few days ago), but there is new, subtle beauty opening up within the death.

This morning I led the Outreach committee in some visioning - some evaluation. It was a bit nerve wracking to be the leader because of some strong personalities...but it was a productive morning, with good conversation.

There have been some showy examples of how we are involved in the community, but I think the true testament is the continued relationship building that is going on. We named that, and noted that we need to continue to work on that. It might not be a big production of show, but a quiet build up of community.

There has also been a quiet build up for my own support network. It sometimes explodes in recognizing (as I did last night) that I've got some pretty cool friends - and they're not all pastors (!). As I somehow ended up at one friend's performance with four other friends who either barely knew each other - or had never met. Add to that, the work support network that continues to emerge - I think as a vision is being knit together and communicated. They aren't so much a support of me as a support of the work that I think we're all working towards...but it's so much nicer than attempting the work alone.

My Mailman ROCKS!

This morning as a friend and I left the house to go to the Farmer's Market we ran into my mailman as he was organizing his route. He asked if I was waiting for Harry Potter and I excitedly responded that I was and did he have it???

He did and I squealed and jumped up and down as someone 20 years younger than myself would (tee hee!!!!). He handed me the book and then looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Seeing your reaction, I wonder if I should go deliver these other books right now."

My friend and I went on our way and soon saw him drive by. When we returned from the Farmer's Market he was back on my street and I asked if he did deliver them. He said that he had and that all but one of the recipients was really excited too.

My mailman rocks.

Flexibility

I love that I get to set my own schedule.

I decided that I was going to primarily work from home today. I've been in intense situations with a lot of people - and have had to make a lot of decisions lately. Now, I'm home. My secretary knows where to find me. But, for the most part I'm working on writing. I need to - I have a lot to put together and write.

I rarely take advantage of the flexibility I have in my schedule, because I so often overwork. Not this week though.

The flexibility of my schedule - and my failure to keep time for myself - then leads to body aches and pains. I do hold tension - often from the pains of others - in my body. I feel it. I try to stretch, to breath, to do what I can to let go of it. But, it doesn't always work.

So, in essence, the flexibility of my job hinders the flexibility of my body....only when I allow it to. Crap. It's all on me again.

Blasted - updated

A Sunday morning post again.
I'm prying my eyes awake this morning after one set of my blasted neighbors decided to race a buzzing motorcycle or scooter on my street for a couple hours after midnight and then my downstairs neighbors (perhaps the same ones who were riding the motorcycle??? I dunno??) decided it was a fantastic idea to set off (blasted) fireworks....the big kind...between 2:45 and 3:15.

I would really love to curl up under the covers this morning and have a lazy Sunday morning. I'd like to do that many weeks - but especially today. Currently, after forcing myself to get up and start getting ready I've got that combination exhaustion/alertness quality going on. The one that feels a lot like anxiety.

Oh well. Today I think I only have a short time of work and can hopefully be back home (under the covers) by 11:30....earlier than normal. I just have to make it through the next four and a half hours.

UPDATE
It's just after 11:30 and I'm home with definite plans to spend some quality time in my bed. However, worship was really good today. Despite my half-comatose state...it was energizing and warm (in emotion, not temperature). Yay!

For the first time since last Fall... (Possibly TMI for some)

I love the way my skin feels.

My skin ailments are many:
Eczema
Folliculitus (infection of hair follicles and a darn fun word to say)
A multitude of Allergies (including, I believe to my own sweat)

Compounded by stress, dry winter weather and the fact that sometimes I like to try random things like waxing my legs (which was actually a positive move in my opinion)...my skin has taken a bit of a beating.

But now, although it has a few scrapes and bruises....It feels good.

Hooray!

5 Things I Dig About Jesus

I was tagged by Backwoods Rev for this meme:

1. I dig that even though he was so anticipated, he was so unexpected.

2. I dig that he wasn't always a nice guy...but there was usually not-niceness in order to call people to be transformed. (Like a favorite movie quote says, "God loves you just the way you are. But He loves you too much to let you stay that way." Junebug) I don't trust guys that are too nice.

3. I dig that because of him, I know God better.

4. I dig the whole equality thing - the lack of care for societies rankings - the focusing of attention not on petty rituals, but on what was really important - relationship with God - through relationship with others.

5. I did that he formed a community to continue the work of living in God's kingdom, not Caesar's (or Bush's). A community to love one another, to support one another in this tough work, to call one another into accountability.

So, I originally posted this thing without tagging...it feels a bit like a chain letter. And yet, it was so much more fun than I had originally thought it would be. So, I'll tag: Abba, Jessica, Meckhead (even though she hasn't blogged in over a year), Kendi, and um, well - you....whoever you are.

Rules for this meme:
a)Those tagged will share "Five Things They Dig About Jesus".
b)Those tagged will tag 5 people. (if they can find someone untagged!)
c) Those tagged will leave a link to their meme in the comments section of the blog of the person who tagged them (meaning this post) so that everyone can keep track of what's being posted.

Moms

It happens to be my mother's 60th birthday today. She is in Tanzania and so a Happy Birthday phone call will not be part of today's celebration.

As I was preparing for a devotion for some older adults, I came across these two poems/prayers from the book Soul Weavings: A Gathering of Women's Prayers, edited by Lyn Klug.

A wandering Aramean was my mother.
In Egypt she bore slaves.
Then she called to the God of our mothers.
Sarah, Hagar, Rebeccah, Rachel, Leah.
Praise God who hears, forever.

A warrior, judge, and harlot was my mother.
God used her from time to time.
She gave what she gave, and was willing.
Rahab, Jael, Deborah, Judith, Tamar.
Praise God who takes, forever.

A Galilean virgin was my mother.
She bore our Life and Hope.
And a sword pierced her own soul, also.
Mary, blessed among women, mother of God.
Praise God who loves, forever.

A witness to Christ's rising was my mother
What angels said, she told.
The apostles thought it was an idle tale.
Mary, Mary Magdalene, Joanna, women with them.
Praise God who lives, forever.

A faithful Christian woman was my mother.
A mystic. Martyr. Saint.
May we, with her, in ever generation,
Julian, Perpetua, Clare, Hilda,
Praise God who made us,
Praise God who saved us,
Praise God who keeps us all forever. Amen.
-Martha Blacklock, Mother Thunder Mission, New York City

My God, I praise you, I thank you for my mother.
For all that she could give me,
for all that she gave of herself,
a true, living school of love and humility.
She reveals to me your mystery -
thank you for her revelation of your truth.
Now, O God, I pray for all the children
of Africa, of Asia, of America and Europe.
For all the children of the world.
Give me a heart like that of a mother
the heart of a black woman for her children.
-Mamia Woungly-Massaga, Cameroon

They Love Me...Or Maybe They Really Like Cake

The second anniversary of starting at my congregation is Thursday.

Today, they threw me a surprise anniversary coffee hour.

With lots of "You're staying for 30 years, right?" and "Has it already been 2?" but, the ones that feel like they mean something: "We're glad you're here."

Messy, Chaotic Reality

I'd like to think that I can be an example of *yes, you too could be a pastor* for the young adults (and perhaps some youth) that are spending time at my congregation this summer. This week there are at least 2 that are looking to further education to possibly head in this direction - and these are the two that sought me out - who knows who else there is.

But, this week has offered observations of chaos and the unknown rather than an attractive future job possibility.

They have personally encountered the helplessness of someone who comes for "help" but who really just wants someone else to fix them. They have encountered people who seek to lambast anything that has to do with organized religion (as they seek out a place of sanctuary). They have seen me running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out where in the gosh darn building the messed up fuse boxes are - and having to deal with overloaded circuits. They have been lectured for being too loud for the people who come to the free clinic.

Not really the picture that would draw anyone to the ministry. I only hope that the other experiences they are having balance out the experience at my place.

I just want to tell them: It is really great! Believe me...it's not always like this. And sometimes, there's blessing in all this messed up crap too.

Maybe they'll still go into this particular track of education but specify - I don't want to be in a building that is falling apart or someplace where random people come in. Maybe they'll build up tough skins (mine has become steel - figuratively) and realize that there is amazing goodness in being intimately involved in people's messy lives - even when they hate what you represent. Maybe they'll see in this craziness something that appeals...affirmation of a call.

God, help them.

NOT Burning Down the House

A while I go I mentioned I'd blog at some point about automatic shut offs. If I'm able to trust them they make life so much simpler. It's trust that's the issue.

In November of 2005 I headed out from Milwaukee to meet a friend in Madison. We met to do some Christmas Shopping, go to the Nutcracker (? right? I think so) and just hang out. I was running late and left the house in a hurry. When I was 1/2 way to Madison I couldn't remember whether I'd shut off the iron.

My iron was supposed to have an automatic shut off, but it had never been consistent in this task. I fretted as I drove and convinced myself to keep going.

While the weekend was wonderful, the fear that I would arrive home to a burned down house due to my lack of iron unplugging was a cloud over the entire trip. When I returned home (to a fully standing and unburnt house) I discovered that I had unplugged the iron and everything was just fine.

I have a new iron now that does shut off automatically. As does my coffee maker and my computer. I really like these things that shut off. I'm somewhat compulsive in some of these behavioral things (I always drive with my lights on...and I always habitually turn them off as I turn off my car). But every once in a while something I didn't do will catch me by surprise (like setting my parking break - oi!).

Fortunately, I now don't have to worry about burning down my house with my iron. Now, about those candles...

Getting out of the way.

A paraphrased conversation with my dad:

Me: "Things are just feeling really good. And, it's not about me. People are feeling invested, like it's a place they're proud of and want to be. And that's catching."

Dad: "Ironically, it's precisely because of you."

I wonder how often pastors get in the way. I do think that the reason people are feeling invested has something to do with me - but in some ways it has more to do with the fact that sometimes I don't know what the heck I'm doing and so need to rely on others in a different way than a more seasoned pastor would. (Depending on the seasoning, of course).

These last couple weeks have been huge ego boosts - and so of course I don't trust them. I got a call today from a nearby pastor who many of my church ladies love (he comes and gives a devotion at our senior center about once a month...they love his weeks). He called to tell me of his lunch conversation with a bunch of my members in which they were just praising me for all that's going on. Again, it's more because I've gotten out of the way, I think.

Either that or it's the beautiful weather. I know I've been in an obnoxiously good mood lately. Maybe someone leaked a happy gas into the air and everyone who comes to the church breaths it in. Hey, if that's what it takes...

Resolving Disagreeableness

I sometimes wonder if I'm disagreeable (as in disagreeing with someone...not the way I'm received, although for some it's one and the same) because I think it's honest, or because I want to change someone, or because I'm wanting to be in good relationship, or just because I'm crabby.

I feel crabby when I disagree with someone. It's against my nature. But, it's also against my nature to be dishonest. And, I don't want to be a "yes-woman." I don't respect "yes-people."

I wonder, though, how fair it is to some of the relationships I have - those in which I tend towards the most disagreeable. When someone is always disagreeing with me I get tired of it. On the other hand, I get tired if someone is always saying things with which I completely disagree.

Yet, I value diversity of opinion and of individuals. And, I value being able to share my opinion.

There could be something in this about desiring harmony and similarity - a colleague today said we tend toward the familiar. Does that mean of thought as well as practice? There is beauty in dissonance too, but the beauty is in the ache for resolution.

I wish I had a good sense of how my disagreeableness is received - especially by the people with whom I disagree most (and they haven't been invited to this blog). I wonder, if I knew people understood my reasoning, my impetus in my disagreement, if I would find some resolution. Just in that understanding.

Edit Schmedit

I obviously was quite tired last night when I posted - and I didn't think to push the spellcheck function. So, while I could go back and edit, I think I'll just acknowledge that what you got from last night was truly me - unedited...mistakes and all.

I also should say that as I was writing I thought it was a pretty positive post, but as has been pointed out to me (and after rereading it, I do agree) it doesn't come off that way.

Ah well.

The Bable of What's Going On

Since I last posted I've been on the lower end of the mood spectrum. A combination of overwork, underplay, yearning for some specific kinds of relationships I don't have, and just plain old questions of purpose.

Last week was especially low. But, I don't want to talk about that.

This week was much better. And, I've had fun. Many times. I needed some of that grounding.
Tuesday night - went walking with a (non-church) friend.
Wednesday night - had a fun time with a (church-related) friend over margaritas.
Friday night - the friend who was "the-only-friend-who-lived-here-that-knew-me-before" and now has turned into "the-only-friend-who-used-to-live here-that knew me before" was back in town for the weekend and gathered a group of her friends (most of whom are now my friends too) for dinner.
Saturday - a huge interfaith service day where I got to be the cool adult (although the organized one who made them count off). They weren't to the point of testing boundaries with me yet - and I so love that part of a youth to adult relationship when they revel in the fact that you care about them and so that's the most important action - caring. (Plus, for some reason the 3 youngest kids (6-8 year olds...all three Muslim) decided I was really cool and followed me around all day and kept asking "do you need any help?" and thought it was awesome that I was the religious leader at my church.)
Then tonight - a recently acquired friend's birthday party (Sue - I went to duckpin bowling!) - and having a good time with all her eclectic friends. By the way - I rock at duckpin bowling.

In a week I go away for a few days. And, I need it. I am exhausted. I am feeling crabby with my tried and true ones who just want some support. I don't feel like I can support them at the moment. I'm having a hard enough time supporting my own self. I haven't had more than one day off in a row since February.

This is simply spurting out what's in my head. Nothing profound. (Although I may post soon about automatic shut offs). Almost a reminder to myself that sometimes I do have good days - even after hard ones.

Some Days...

Some days can hold me for an entire week. Yesterday was a fun, exciting, somewhat momentous day - one that might hold for even longer than a week.

Yesterday I:
- started the morning walking with a new friend
- got my oil changed and a new battery put in my car (In my opinion the battery could have waited until next winter, but knowing me I wouldn't do it until the battery died and then that would take a ton of time. So, I'm telling myself I just saved time and headache.)
- met with a real estate broker...haven't committed to anything yet - but at least I know what I'll be looking towards and what is possible
- bought two books with a gift certificate
- drove home with my window open and music blaring
- got my taxes mailed off...and my estimated taxes...without going into the account that I set up recently to save money for my taxes (!) (it's because I got enough back from my 06 taxes that it covered some of my first estimated payment for 07). Also got my checkbook up to date and (I'm fairly certain) all of my bills paid.
- did two loads of laundry
- did dishes
- had a wonderful night out with a friend - dinner at a nice restaurant that she and I have been attempting to go to for a little while and then to the HILARIOUS musical "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change"

It was good and I've got to celebrate that, especially as I look forward to this upcoming day that needs total creativity and work (haven't even started my sermon, or the speech I give next Wed, or the Bible Study I lead tomorrow). Well, here I go - hopefully buoyed up by yesterday, I plan to take on this weekend. Here goes...

The Downside of an Extraordinary Life

I visit a woman who most people would characterized as having "lost it." She talks about knowing the Queen of England and other important people. She has told me of her great importance in many different incredible circles. Every time I visit her she tells me she's going home that day. Her world is extremely different than the one I, and most other people, live in.

Today though, her world was a bit more honest with mine. Her world was most likely the same for her. But, today she told me that it's really hard because people don't believe her.

She's bright - I think in her early 60's. And she knows that people don't believe what she believes. Since she started allowing me to visit (the first few times I tried really aggrivated her) I have gone in with an eagerness of hearing about her world. I simply ask her to tell me more about what she is thinking about. It's not my job to contradict her. And, her theology is always right on (which would be my job).

I had previously thought that she was somewhat oblivious to the way she might be perceived. But, she's not. And I feel sad that she's not.

Maybe it's not so easy to live an extraordinary live.

A Lesson From Childhood That Doesn't Carry Over.

In sixth grade I was a crossing guard. I'm not exactly sure what appeal that role held for me, but nonetheless, I was one for one year. (After that year they asked me to go to crossing guard - or patrol - camp in order to become a captain, I declined and stopped being a crossing guard altogether).

One morning a fight broke out in the commons area between two boys who were each much bigger than I. I got in there and tried to break it up. I don't remember all that much of what happened then, but I do remember sitting in the assistant principal's office later that morning. She was a member of my church and it was a bit odd to have my worlds collide like that.

I remember that she was usually a very tough person, but that this morning she was more motherly toward me. I did receive a lecture though - I should not have gotten involved in that fight. I should have gone for the help of an adult.

Now I look around and I'm the adult. As I came home from work on Sunday I passed a car that was stalled in the middle of the road. No one was honking or impatient, but just calmly driving around the stalled car. As I passed I looked in and there was a man with his chin lowered to his chest. It almost looked like he was sleeping.

I drove by, made my turn, then circled the block and came back. He was still there, although now his head was up. As I pulled into the gas station I realized that the cashier was out in the parking lot, trying to both help this man and take care of any customers who happened to come.

I ran into the middle of the street and as I neared the man in the stalled car started to roll up his window. I asked him if he was alright (I wondered if he'd had a stroke or something) and he lowered the window just a crack. (Keep in mind, I had my clergy shirt on - and was wearing a necklace one of my confirmation kids gave me - a cross). The cashier came back and told me he'd been trying to help the man for some time - but kept having to go back into the store. So, we finally managed to convince the man to put his car in neutral and we pushed it over into a nearby parking lot. The cashier dashed off. I tried to see if I could help the man anymore, but he didn't seem to want any more help. I asked if he knew what he was going to do and he said he'd just keep starting his car.

I wonder how many people passed that man and did nothing. The skinny kid of a cashier and I (still not all that big - and definitely not someone who would be chosen first for any feat of strength) could have used more help.

I worry that too many people got that message as a kid that we shouldn't get involved in other people's problems. It makes sense in some ways - don't be dumb. At one point I wondered if I should offer to give this man a ride somewhere, but decided against it - it would be dumb to give an unknown (and rather large) man a ride. Don't be dumb, but that doesn't mean not to be involved at all.

For this I'm thankful

I am thankful for today.

For the beauty of honesty and forgiveness. For the willingness of one to confess.

For two delightful women - living yards from each other in the same nursing home. Neither remembers much from our conversations. Both laugh, joke, cajole and perk up when I visit. It would have been nice to have known them before Alzheimer's, but it's pretty great to know them now as well.

For my secretary.

For my finance committee chair.

For people who are thinking of the church when possibilities arise.

For teenagers.

For the other congregation and their pastor who come on the 4th Wednesday to make supper.

For colleagues.

For a full house tonight - at dinner, at the clinic, at worship.

For members who reach out.

For members who allow themselves to be reached.

For creative nurses, who see the need for a $4 medicine and figure out a way to get it.

For the trust of a homeless man.

For being in the right place at the right time.

For a warm dry place to sleep.

For a glass of red wine.

For all this I'm thankful. Right now, today. I'm tingling with thankfulness. My eyes are brimming. Sometimes everything seems so very overwhelming and stressful. Sometimes I forget about how very lucky I am.

I feel very blessed.
Thank you, God.

Repetition

Am I repeating the same year over and over again? Second post in a week that I'm referencing a post from last year.

Last year on March 20th I posted this. I had come down with a sinus infection and very much appreciated my trip to Urgent Care.

Well, this year on March 21st I started with a little cough and a sore throat. It was difficult to lead the mostly singing liturgy at the Wednesday evening service, but it went okay. Yesterday (the 22nd) it went full blown and I came home from work - sore throat, achy body, cough. Because I have limited contact with the elderly population for these next few days I'm going to try to stick it out.

It seems I don't have to look out for the Ides of March. But 5-6 days after the Ides. Maybe it's Lent, maybe it's Spring, maybe it's a delayed reaction to turning older.

All I know is that next year for my birthday I'm asking for Vitamin C and Zinc.