Pablo

The other night I saw a Facebook friend of mine had done one of those quizzes where you ask someone questions. Often I see them in relation to children - asking things like "who is your best friend?" and "what is your favorite food?" Questions that might mark some maturing, but also could change before you're done with the quiz.

The quiz I saw this time was to ask one's significant other. So, just for fun I asked Pablo these questions. As I asked the questions I grew more and more amazed. I was surprised by some of his answers - surprised because they were more true than the ones I would have given. Near the end I exclaimed, "Wow! You really know me!"

Life as parents with young kids who require constant entertainment - and who don't fall asleep before 9 and are up before 6 - means we have little time together. And, the one-on-one time we do have is often crammed in - there isn't time to just ease into conversations or do a lot of just "being." There's an intensity to the time we set up to focus on us - date nights or time stolen while the kids are at daycare - after we've both gotten home from work.

It's not uncommon for one of us to say, as we're getting into bed, "I was going to tell you something, but now I can't remember what it was." We text throughout the day - share pictures and make lists of topics - but still details slip through the cracks. We try, though. And most of the time whatever it is either is remembered eventually - or probably wasn't all that necessary to share anyway.

All this is to say, our relationship in this season of life is definitely different than it was 6 years ago - the night that Pablo proposed to me in his kitchen (prior to our Vegas trip). And yet, I am so very grateful for Pablo in my life and that he is the partner with whom I get to navigate decisions and challenges, joys and opportunities. He is thoughtful, curious, an excellent father, observant (much of the time), likes to make me laugh and is supportive of my dance in figuring out who and what I'm going to be. And, even when it doesn't always feel like we're connecting, I'm reminded that he knows me - and loves me. And I love him.

Gabriel

My baby is 4-years old today! The last few days Pablo and I have been remembering where we were at that moment 4 years ago. It's amazing to think of that tiny baby that I was just starting to get to know 4 years ago is now my smart, stubborn, funny, loving kid.

We enjoy talking and learning about so many things. High on his list of interests are Batman, dinosaurs, baseball, trains, snow, cars (cars, cars), cooking, biking and running, and stickers. He's full of compassion - but also sometimes struggles with seeing that what he is doing might hurt someone.

He loves tv - right now Ummizummi is on while I write this. But, he's not very interested in watching a movie and gets frightened by many movies that are for kids.

He pays attention to everything and will repeat back song lyrics or phrases that he heard only once or twice. He enjoys being read to - and we've started to read some simple chapter books. We had his school conferences last Monday and learned that he's right where he should be - plays independently and with imagination. Plays well with others (as well as is expected) and participates in class.

Pablo and I are so proud to be his parents. I pray that his imagination, creativity and compassion continue to grow and that I can help foster his development in various areas well. Today, a bit out of nowhere at lunch he said, "I love you mom, I love you dad." He loves - and is loved - very much.

Kindness

The topics of these posts really highlight what I spend the majority of my time doing and thinking about: parenting and my family. I talk about this being a season of life, and I do believe that we are in a particularly time-and-energy-consuming period of our kids' lives. It will not always be this consuming.

However, today I am thankful for kindness of people who are either a stranger or who I do not know well. I got to be the parent helper in Gabriel's class today and one of the other moms made sure to tell me how smart he is. More importantly, though, she told me that her daughter, who started school late, said that Gabriel is one of her best friends and that he said hi and was friendly to her right away. So - awww, yes, my kid is learning kindness. But also, what kindness of that mom to make sure I knew about that.

Another example of kindness: we had to pull over to the side of the road yesterday because Gabriel and I failed to make sure there was enough empty bladder space for the 15-minute ride home. Anyway, I was pulled over in a bit of an out-of-the-way place, with my hazards on for about 3 minutes. I was getting Gabriel back in the car when another car pulled up and a woman offered help - assuming something was wrong with my car.

Sometimes it feels like it's hard to find kindness - so I'm grateful for three examples shows to me in the last couple days.

My Children's Joy

Every single day I get to hear giggles coming from my two boys. Tickles, jokes, pure joy while running, playing, singing, dancing.

Today we got to go and play in snow as it fell and gathered on the ground. Gabriel can be mischievous as he grabs snow and launches it towards me, laughing as he does so. He gets incredibly excited sometimes and just cannot hold back a squeal of glee. He can be intense in all he does, but especially in having fun.

David is almost always good natured and really has fun if he's doing whatever everyone else is doing. He loves to jump - especially at gymnastics - and run, chasing after his brother.

These kids are just enjoyable to be around ( usually), and certain bring so much joy to each day.

Cuddletime

Almost every night I get to cuddle with Gabriel - and he will ask to sometimes when we're reading or watching tv. He definitely wants us to as he's falling asleep. It sometimes means he has a hard time when he wakes up in the middle of the night, but we're working on that.

While David has often been the better sleeper of our two kids, that hasn't been true the last few months. He's often gotten up in the middle of the night - and unlike Gabriel, who usually just wants company, David is ready to get up and go. 

Today he woke up at 5, but instead of being insistent that he start playing or watching tv, he snuggled into me and snoozed for about an hour and a half. I tried to get him back in his crib during that time, but he wasn't having it. And so, today I am thankful for cuddles with my boys.

Childcare

I was very much against sending my kids to daycare. I didn't want the germs. I didn't want my kids to feel like I was trying to get rid of them (that's my own issue, I understand that). I wanted to be the one attending to each day's emotional, physical, social and mental development. But, then....work....

My boys go to daycare (at the same place where Gabriel attends preschool and David will start in January) one day a week. These last two weeks David has had a small fever the day before, so I've had to keep him home, but daycare worked with me and I was able to bring him each of the Fridays following, while Gabriel was at preschool.

Today there is a "Thanksgiving Feast" for all the kids. Parents are invited, but I'm not going to be going. I made sure to verify that David would still have his allergy meal - so he wouldn't end up having a reaction or not have anything to eat. But, because I've taken it for granted that the meals at daycare are nut free, I didn't think about whether the catered Thanksgiving meal would be nut free until I dropped Gabriel off.

As I searched for the director to verify, so assured me that it was definitely nut free.

They have been so accommodating for us - which I would hope they would be for anyone with allergies. But, also, they have accommodated our one-day-a-week schedule. They've allowed me to switch when something has come up on our one day (as long as there has been room). Most of the teachers/caregivers are wonderful!

Although David sometimes doesn't eat much while he's there, he always seems to have a good time. His teachers report him to be happy and easy-going. When I come to pick him up he's usually having a great time (once he was still sleeping after nap - when everyone else was up, but that was one of the days he was getting sick).

Gabriel sometimes seems a little shy when I drop him off - and sometimes when I pick him up he's definitely just playing by himself, but then he reports playing with some specific kids and excited about what they do and say. And, maybe he is just enjoying what he's playing with? He also has gotten really excited when we see other kids outside of daycare, but shy when we approach to say hi.

And yes, they have been exposed to a few more germs. But, we make it through - and the next time they don't suffer as much.

I am grateful to have this good solution to our childcare needs.

Coffee

So far my thankfulness topics have been pretty serious. I do have a lot to be sincerely thankful for - and there is more yet to come. But, today, I am thankful for hot coffee.

I used to be able to drink 4 cups a day, and I'm sorry to say that that no longer feels great to me. But, I do relish my 2, sometimes 3 cups, each morning.

I love the feeling of drinking coffee. The warmth that goes from the cup to my hands as I hold the cup, preparing to sip. The feeling of the warm drink moving down my throat into my stomach comforts me.

I like the taste of coffee. And, for the most part I like it black. Every once in a while with a little bit of cream. Every once in a while with a little sugar - but only when it's really thick.

I like the caffeine in coffee and for the most part like the burst of energy - that borders on jitteriness when I drink too much.

And, I like my favorite cup. It makes me laugh. A great way to start the day.

Parenting Partner

Today - and every day - I am so grateful for my partner in life...and most obviously now, my partner in parenting. Many weekends, parts of Saturdays and Sundays mean that Pablo takes on the stay-at-home parent lifestyle. And, he easily navigates all that is required to care for (and entertain) our boys.

I'm especially grateful for this on Sundays. It's not easy bringing two busy young kids to worship by oneself. Especially when the other parent is up front. While it's not part of his own practice, Pablo brings the boys twice a month to worship - even as that means he essentially brings the boys for about 10 minutes of doing what most of us think of as worship - and the other 40 minutes (we have short services) chasing after the boys heading in two different directions.

I do feel that pang of wanting to sit with my boys, whispering guidance and explanation to them throughout the service. But, even as I can't be that person, I am so very glad that Pablo is up for the task of herding and parenting that makes it possible for me to do my work and the boys to grow up in the church.

A Little Bit Of Work

I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. At one time I thought I knew. I thought I wanted to be a senior pastor of a large church, with support staff. I thought I wanted to set the vision and handle the pressure of being "it" when it came to a large congregation.

That is not what I want to do with my life.

I thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home parent through my kids' elementary years. I knew that would be a negotiation and a balance, and that I might not be able to do that financially. But, I thought I'd like to consider it. But, at this point I can honestly say that now that is not what I want to do with my life.

I do want to parent. And to be flexible. And to use my brain and energy in a job outside the home. And do fun things with my kids. And be able to be home at nights with my family. And get to do a thing for myself. 

Right now, I am so thankful for the flexible work position I am in. I work about 15 hours a week (it was supposed to be aiming for 10-12, but that's not quite working out) and my main responsibilities are worship and pastoral care. (I'm ending up teaching 8 classes of Confirmation too - but that's just this year.)

I am getting to do some of the work that I love to do, and I am getting to be home with my kids the majority of the time. I have gotten to take them to classes and at the same time have a day they go to daycare and I can work on my other responsibilities.

The ability for me to have this flexible of a schedule - and for the church to only pay for this limited of a pastoral presence - will come to an end at some point in the next two years. But, I am grateful for this piece that is bridging my parenting-of-toddlers time. I am grateful that I have this time to dabble in what I'm trained in, what I have loved to do in the past - but that I have questioned more recently whether it's what I want to do. 

At some point I'll have to set the new direction of what I'll do. And maybe it will be in the same direction it was before. But I'm glad for this time of in-between - that I don't need to know what I'm going to do with my life....just yet.

Democratic Dissent

November 9th - I'm thankful for the ability to do something when I disagree with the decisions people in power make. I'm not always sure what difference my actions make, but I do feel that the right to call congresspeople and to peacefully protest matters in the big scheme of things. Even if it is just to shift the culture - slowly, but surely.

These last few years I have wanted to be part of the swell of voice calling for justice - showing that there is support behind a number of issues. But with my first responsibility to be the care and safety of my two young ones, I've not been able to show up to many events. However, the boys and I participated in their first peaceful protest on Thursday. There was a call for a rapid response to actions of our current president and many people gathered in large cities and not-so-large cities to name that his actions were not right. ("Protect Mueller" was the hashtag/theme). 

A group in our town, that I think of as being a place of privilege that means many are sheltered from the effects of injustice (which may be a completely unfair assessment), held a small rally. I'd say there were about 50 people who marched around Cook Park with signs and chanted. I didn't really talk about it with the boys beforehand - I barely knew we'd be going until we left the library hearing the group around the corner. I'm not sure what they got from it, but I'm thankful that I could be part of something.

And, I'm sure that as they get older we will have the opportunity to make our voices heard again and again.

David

As I write, I do so with my almost-2-year-old, David, in my lap. We shall see how much I can actually type and how much he takes over the keyboard.

Because of colds and fevers, I have had some extra one-on-one time with him in the last couple weeks. Even as a child who can't communicate fully and isn't feeling well, he is a sweet boy. He's curious and determined. The last two months his favorite phrase is "I do dat" sometimes said after he has done something, sometimes as he is insisting that he do it.

He loves to play with his big brother - and tries to keep up as best as he can. He also can easily spend a good deal of time playing by himself. When we go to do something we don't often have to worry about his disposition or whether he will have fun, because he goes with the flow....except when it comes to getting in his carseat.

I say that even as he readily asserts his opinion. He wants to do things for himself. He prefers dad to put him to bed. He will rarely try a new food item, and along with his pickiness we struggle with feeding him because of allergies. He is ready to play at school when we drop off Gabriel (and will start after he turns 2). 

I am thankful for this precious child - for the love he gives and the love I get to give. For his part in our family - and for all the ways in which he does and will bless the world. 

Local Friendships - A Work in Progress

I do not think I'm alone in the experience that making friends outside of school and work can be tough and slow-moving. I am so incredibly grateful for the friends I have that span the country, but making and developing a local community seems to be never-ending work.

Having moved to this particular area 5+ years ago now I am thankful for the slow but sure creation and deepening of local friendships. Now, most of my friends are other moms of young children - and so they tend to be 5-10 years younger than myself. But, slowly some of my acquaintances are developing into friendships, and I am grateful. 

**This post made possible by "SuperWings" on Netflix. 

Health Care

David has been sick with a minor temperature (100.5) the last two Tuesdays, which is the one day the boys go to daycare so I can work. My task then is to either try to cram my work into evenings, weekends and newly nonexistent nap times, or for Pablo to take a sick day. Today, Pablo will work a ½ day, and I will work a ½ day.

David has had his share of colds/fever, and pretty much handles it like a trooper. Gabriel gets coughs after colds that are tough enough to lead to vomit. Both have allergies that are bordering on scary (with the possibility of an anaphylactic reaction), but have so far not encountered anything that has caused much more than a hospital visit, allergist appointments and careful food intake.

We are so so fortunate to have good medical care. I can't help but realize the basic human right of good health care as a privilege as we hear the news of a caravan of people heading to the United States seeking asylum. The caravan including young children, young women giving birth along the route and families started in Honduras and gained travelers along the way. I cannot imagine needing to pick up with so very little to attempt to start a new life somewhere.

I am especially mindful of health as people along the route have generously offered food and clothing - and one picture I saw was of kind people making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. My kids (and me) would not be able to eat those offers of nourishment. If we were in that caravan, I'm not sure how our boys, especially David, would be nourished.

This is a post of thankfulness - for the wonderful health professionals who care for our kids (we especially love our allergist, and have grown to greatly trust their pediatrician), and for the relative place of privilege that we are able to tend to the needs of our kids.

Home, part 2

On the second day of Daylight Savings, my little loves gave to me - an early morning. As is to be expected, David was up at 5:15 and Gabriel by 5:45. It could be worse, and since my body clock takes longer to reset, it doesn't feel too bad.

I am thankful for a comfortable home that make early mornings cozy and sweet. Cuddling on the couch - sometimes with the tv on - is not a hard way to wake up.

I may not have chosen this particular house (moving in when I married Pablo), but there are so many pieces to it that make it comfortable, functional and home. When we met with our realtor for one of the first times she said something about it being hard to leave some of the amenities that we have - and as we look at other homes, it is true that we are more particular as we look at houses we'd like to make our home.

So, I'm thankful for the house structure we have - even as I seek a slightly different one. But more than that, I'm thankful for the place that houses our family - that keeps us warm or cool - comfortable. I'm thankful for the space for the boys to run (in circles) and the place to lay our heads. I'm thankful for all that makes this place our home.

The Work of a Few

It's daylight savings time - with an extra hour of cuddle time instead of sleep. Most people would have this anyway on a Sunday. I get it today because now I get ready for work.

Today - and so many days - I am thankful for the members of the congregation I am serving as part-time interim pastor. I work between 10-15 hours a week in a job most people have a hard time limiting to 40. Of course, there are many things I do not do - but that means that others pick that up.

In particular, I am thankful for the council president/musician/property manager and the preschool director who really ends up making sure everything for the church is done. Without these two faithful women, this congregation would not be functioning.

I will write another time about how grateful I am for this opportunity to dabble my toes in ministry while also being a mostly-full-time mom. But, it would not be possible without the hours of work Lynn and Kathy put into the church.

Also, it means I barely think about building things. I don't have to respond when a light bulb needs changing in the stairway or the air conditioner goes out. Honestly - with my job being focused on worship - I have often forgotten about changing paraments and other worship-space-related things - because Kathy just makes sure they're done. (She's not the only one who does it...but if it's not done she makes sure it gets done.)

This week, I haven't been into the office because of a sick child on my one day dedicated to work, so I'll go in a little early. But, I'm not really worried about what I will find. Such a gift. Such faith. So thankful.

Joyful Shabbat

I am thankful for the experience I had last night.

A week ago, in Pittsburg, 11 people were murdered while attending a ceremony at Tree of Life Synagogue, by a gunman shouting antisemitic rhetoric. My congregation prayed for Tree of Life, and our local Jewish Congregation (Or Shalom), and I was so glad when after my initial e-mail indicating that our prayers were with our siblings at Or Shalom, we were invited to join in a show of solidarity by attending their Friday evening Shabbat service.

What a joy-filled, hope-filled service! They had to open up the worship space to allow for twice as many chairs (it seemed to me). The music was phenomenal. Not only because of the Cantor and the musician (although they were amazing), but because those who regularly attend Shabbat were singing along whole heartedly.

I sat in between a group from a local UU church and a Lutheran/Presbyterian clergy-couple and their kids. In front of me were 4 young girls - around 3rd or 4th grade - who were so intent in following along with the service (much of which is in Hebrew) that they were each bent over a service book with a finger on the spot. One girl kept turning around asking for my help about where they were (I was trying to follow along too).

Behind me were a number of congregation members in their 70s and 80s. I overheard one say, "This is bigger than Rosh Hashanah." And they sang along with gusto.

I met a local imam - who looks to be younger than me and has a young son. I met a few other interfaith colleagues. We sang a Matisyahu song (One Day) and Keep Your Eyes On the Prize by Pete Seeger.

The congregation offered wine and cookies afterwards (although I felt I needed to go home). And, I noticed a police presence as we left. I don't know for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if that is a regular necessity.

This was certainly not a 5-minute post, there is too much to share.

My reflection of thankfulness is for the rabbi and his congregation who invited me and other interfaith friends in and shared their hope in the face of death. What a gift of faith - of hospitality - of courage.

Home

We are in the midst of trying to sell our townhouse to move to a single family house. We could use a little more room - a larger play area inside, an extra bedroom for when my family or other out-of-town guests visit. We also would very much enjoy a yard in which we can play, garden, hang out.

It is a bit stressful to have our house on the market - to be show ready. So, we took it off for a few months. And, it has been nice to fall back into a less strenuous cleaning routine. We are still cleaning - just not too worried about the fingerprints on the windows, or whether all of the toys are put away exactly where they are supposed to.

In some ways, going off the market feels like coming home. While life with a toddler and preschooler is not necessarily restful, it's a bit more relaxing now that we're not as worried about others coming to examine our house. 

So - I certainly have more to write about "home." But, today, my thankfulness is that we have some time to let it be our home - and not worried about someone else wanting it as their home - for a little bit.

Thankfulness

The first of November. Some of my Facebook friends will be posting about something they are thankful for each day. I'm not so sure I'm wanting to be that public in my attempt - but I would like to participate in the practice. 

A different Facebook friend took the month of October to write 5 minutes every day with a prompt. I'm going to combine these two efforts and try to sit down for 5 minutes every day in this space to write about some aspect of thankfulness. Whether it's something/one for which I'm thankful - or the other emotions thankfulness brings out in me. 

Tonight, for the remainder of my 5 minutes (about 2 minutes worth), I'm going to just name possible writing topics or words upon which I'll focus.

Perhaps I'll write about: home, love, Pablo, Gabriel, David, Mom, Dad, my siblings, their spouses, my nephew. Perhaps I'll write about work: the dabbling I get to do, sermon preparation, time away (once/month), teaching, colleagues, time away (part 2 - away from my mom-work). Perhaps I'll talk about feeling warmth, joy, peace, contentment and even frustration. 

I may touch on all of these, or only some - and I'm sure there will be others. But, my 5 minutes is up. Hopefully, until tomorrow....

Amy

S'more

Written on March 6, 2017 

I've had some version of S'mores 3 times over this past weekend. The first was the new girl scout cookie (not Samoas, but described by the girl scouts as "Crunchy graham sandwich cookies with creamy chocolate and marshmallowy filling"). The other was an amazing S'more cheesecake at a "night in" with other moms that one of the other women made - the recipe can be found here. So amazingly delicious. And the third S'more was out to dinner with my family on Saturday night at a wonderful chocolate-themed restaurant nearby with a perfect little S'more dessert - with a little bacon sprinkled around it. 

To all three I would definitely say, "I'd like S'more!"

Today is my 40th birthday. Forty years on this earth. 20 years ago my birthday celebration was in the basement of my dorm where I was an RA. (I'm sure there were other festivities, but that is where we had cake). When I turned 30, I think I held a coffee house party in my apartment in Bay View. Forty's celebration will be a bit different - both now and not yet. Pablo took me out for a wonderful dinner with the boys on Saturday (where I had the third S'more dessert). My friends and family are wishing me happy birthday today, and those who are in the habit of doing so are giving me presents. But, with an almost-three-month old I decided that I would wait to hold any kind of gathering until the baby was a bit older and the weather a bit nicer. So, I'm intending to have a BBQ at a local park sometime in May or June. 

Maybe it's because I know there's something else to come. Maybe it's because I am exhausted trying to keep up with my 2-year-old and newborn. Maybe I'm 

*This is where the post ended.....obviously awaiting s'more. But, it's over 1 ½ years later, so I'm not even going to try to finish it. And still, I'll publish.

Ashed

My newborn and I made it to Ash Wednesday worship last night while my husband put our 2-year-old son to bed. Last year my older son and I attended an Ash Wednesday service at noon at a congregation I've supplied at about ½ an hour away. I remember feeling a little panicky when I watched my 15-month-old receive the ashes on his forehead. Panicky because this was about death - life too, definitely. But the reality that what we are now will whither away. That I cannot protect my kids from pain and suffering, sin and death.

As a pastor, the privilege of placing the ashes on my beloved congregation members' foreheads was moving. I was immersed in what those ashes meant and also was well-aware of how much could change in a year. I was especially moved when placing the ashen cross upon the foreheads of folks with illness or extreme old age. Especially moved as I placed the cross on those who mourn (a mother of a 20-something year old son and a widower who couldn't imagine his life without his recently deceased wife come immediately to mind). I know I placed that cross upon infants and toddlers heads, but the only emotion I really remember feeling was a sweet love for that young life.

Last year's panic took me by surprise. This year, holding my 2 ½ month old, who had just been baptized 10 days earlier, I teared up as well. But, this time the tears included an incredible trust and thankfulness in the promise of those waters washed over my young one's head.

I'm not sure that I can point to what was different for me from one year to another. But I do know that last night I had a feeling of God's presence that has been difficult for me to sense as I've worshiped with a toddler.