Come, Lord Jesus

These past couple weeks have been a blur of child sickness, Gabriel's birthday, more child sickness, (different child, longer and more parent-attention- needed sickness), and now preparing to host Thanksgiving and a birthday party. All at the same time I'm also trying to balance work that itself is feeling like a balancing act between hope and despair - between the work of a spiritual guide and a small-business administrator.

So, as I sit pre-dawn trying to unscramble my thoughts about Advent 1 - about what the Lord's coming means - I realize that the place I've seen God most recently (other than in love shared in family), has been the opportunity to preach, to study texts a little and be forced to come up with something that has truth, hope, reality and love - and to do so almost every week. Sometimes the entire process is so hard - but at other times, I'm energized by the thoughts that come into my head. The sermon preparation itself feels like a conversation with God as I wrestle through what certain things are saying and how they apply to our world as we know it and the world that we believe will yet be.

This morning, my prayer of Come, Lord Jesus, isn't a table prayer prior to eating, but a desk prayer as I write and ponder.

Full-time Follower of Jesus, Part-time Pastor

Now that I got that processing about how private I want to be accomplished, on to part 1 of my musings about what I want to do with my life.

I've long understood that the plans I make for my life will likely be edited along the way. I never became a public school teacher (yet), even though I was convinced between the ages of 8 and 20 that I wanted to do that. I haven't been an ordained chaplain - only fulfilling that role in a student role. I haven't become the senior pastor of a large congregation (yet?), realizing that the place that could have led to that role was not for me.

In recent years, I've been a part-time (interim) pastor. The other full-time job I have is to be the primary parent to preschoolers. When they go to school, I will likely be looking to fill my time differently. To work more than I do now. And, I'm contemplating supplementing that work with a role that is outside of organized religion - outside of the church.

I have seen rumblings in the last 10 years or so about how pastors of my generation should probably be prepared to be bi-vocational before we reach retirement age. Many congregations are not able to afford (or need) full-time clergy. While there is definitely a stress related to being a part-time pastor, I have found some joy in being able to be immersed in other ways than pastor when I'm in the community. While there is always more to do, that is the case for full-time ministry as well.

I've had some thoughts about the place of the church in society as it is now. I do not mourn that our particular form of organized religion is changing. That membership is going down. That we are not as powerful as we used to be. I'm positive I need to go into this more deeply in a future post - because I'm not trying to sink any ships either. But, I've long been impatient with the bemoaning that our experience of church is no longer what it used to be. That we do not hold the cultural capital we once did. I am actually hopeful that we are being forced to evolve.

And, that evolution may be away from the expectation that clergy is a full-time position of one who fulfills the ministry of the church.

To be continued....

Public Privacy

Currently this blog has an incredibly small audience (perhaps only me?). While I'm not really writing for others, I'm also aware that anything I put out there can be made public. There are a couple of posts I've kept as drafts. For whatever reason feeling like I didn't want them to be shared, but that I wanted to write.

I'm not completely clear on how private I want to be here. This past week, one of my kids did something that I'd love to both process in writing and have a record of. But, is it fair to him for me to do that on a public medium? Even if it's not being seen? What sounds does a falling tree make in a forest when no one is there to hear it?

I've also been mulling over what I want to do with my life - specifically my career. I will be sharing my thoughts about that soon, likely in more than one post. But, I'm also a little hesitant to put my musings out there because they are unprocessed and raw. And yet, that's part of my purpose of writing - to make meaning, to figure out what my actions should be, to process my life.

And maybe I'll overshare a little. But, at this point at least, I'm fairly certain that anyone who is reading isn't going to find what I'm mulling over problematic.

Why I'm Back

I started blogging again for a few reasons. One is honestly because I have all these thoughts I don't ever really have a chance to talk about with other adults. I mean, the majority of the time I'm caring for my kids who really don't allow conversation with others.

It's not only because of my kids. Another reason is that a lot of what I'm thinking about doesn't really fit into the adult conversations I do have. Some may, but this blogging also gives me the chance to work out my point and be more succinct. I've described myself as an external processor - meaning that sometimes I'm figuring out my point in the midst of talking. While this sometimes leads to some pretty good thoughts, often I'm stretching.

A third reason is because I want a place to remember this time and these stories - especially of my kids. I have not been good at writing things down and there are characteristics and stories of these two precious ones I want to remember once we're no longer in this time.

For today - I'm writing this while sitting on the couch next to David, who much of the time is holding my right hand. So, I'm typing one-handed. And every so often, he wants to type "d for David." Here is one of his: d

So, I'm back for now. With the knowledge that this is really only for me.

Conversations Producing Ripples

This week includes a number of intense conversations that are requiring different parts of who I am. Yesterday, in the 2 hours in which my kids were at preschool, I had a conversation with a recruiter for an incredibly exciting position. Then, immediately afterwards had a coffee date with a friend.

Today, during work I'm having to sort out some billing discrepancies with a vendor who hasn't been the easiest to deal with. And, I'm going to be taking communion to a woman I've never met before with some dementia.

Tomorrow, during preschool, Pablo and I will be having our check in with our financial advisor, and then I'm going to meet with a community member about another possible direction I might take my life.

I thought about looking at my calendar to see what happens Thursday, but I'm not sure that matters really. Because the point is made: these conversations are requiring such different parts of me, but all of them needing some degree of curiosity, some degree of clarity, and some degree of having my stuff together. (Although, the coffee with a friend didn't require that....only that it was immediately after the other conversation).

I'm nervous about both of today's conversations. I'll be very glad when they are done. But the others feel like they bring some excitement and accomplishment. Excitement at possibility, at connection. Accomplishment at adulting responsibly (that's mostly the finance conversation - but the others are adulting as well).

There are some weeks and months where it feels like the majority of my conversations and work are, while not calm, steady. Parenting, pastoring - fulfilling the duties and work that are common and routine. This week does not feel routine. And it feels like these conversations will have ripples of affect into the future - for better and for worse.

A Turning of the Tide Or the Eye of the Storm?

"I don't want to jinx it, but your boys are really well behaved." Said the nurse in the exam room yesterday. For the first time in our almost-5 years of seeing him, our doctor was running behind schedule. We were there after preschool - over the lunch hour - with both boys for the doctor to look at a rash on David (not a major concern, with nothing to do for it...but now we know).

The kids did do a very good job in the waiting room and in the exam room and as we went to get water between seeing the nurse and the doctor coming in (because David kept asking for it mostly because he just likes to operate the water cooler - but the nurse just thought he was thirsty). They were curious, and asked questions. They laughed when the nurse called David "sir" and when the doctor made funny noises. David let the pokes and prods of an appointment happen without a fuss.

We had some water spills, and at the end we had a pretty big bathroom mishap (though he was sitting on the toilet, none of the pee went in the toilet...and he was carried out with my shirt around his waist). But, the nurse was right. They were well-behaved. At a time I didn't really expect them to be.

This has been happening more and more, lately. Not quite so much that I count on it. But with enough regularity that I don't think it's a fluke. It is getting easier to parent these two rambunctious kiddos. Easier at least for a little bit...

Comfortable With What Comes Out of My Mouth

It's not often that I go to an adult party. I go to more kid parties than adult parties. I suppose kid parties can have the same kind of awkwardness that I find myself in at an adult party, but there are also usually distractions and easy conversation starters related to those kids.

Pablo and I got to go to a really fun adult party on Saturday night. It included a bonfire and party games. We knew a few people - and had fun talking with them, but we also managed to talk with some people we had not previously met.

Often after these events I have regret for things said - awkward responses or ways in which I dominated or didn't speak up. I didn't feel that after this party. Even with the following exchange:

In the attempt to make small talk with some people who are very much into sports, the talk moved to soccer and football. I so often find that I struggle to find the right balance of conversation between small talk and going deep. I'm not really good at the in between, and I feel uncomfortable really with keeping the small talk as small talk. So, I asked if they were intentional in having their elementary child play soccer instead of football. It was an enjoyable conversation. And then, one of the people said something along the lines of "soon the only people playing will be those who are looking to advance themselves financially."

Boom. "You're meaning that it will soon be that people who are poor, particularly people of color, are the only ones playing a sport that leads to brain damage for other's entertainment because they don't really see any other way to succeed in our county?"

I wasn't that blunt, but close. I ended with, "so, there's an injustice to football, huh?"

And then the conversation shifted and people moved on to other conversations, other groups.

For once I don't feel uncomfortable with how that conversation unfolded. I am not second guessing the discomfort my words caused. I feel good, actually. And not because I "got them." But because I didn't ignore the opportunity.

And who knows - it could have been that someone surprised me and I found someone else who shares a value with me. It wouldn't have surprised me completely because the friend whose party is was shares some of these values with me. But, in our area, my assumption is that most people would rather not name these things. Most people value living comfortably, and would rather not pay attention to the ways we lucked into our lives.

Overall the night was a lot of fun, and in some small way, this added to it. More than anything because I felt like I was able to be myself.

When Councils Get It Right

Today I got to be part of the beauty of a small congregation. We are facing some financial challenges - and some individuals are facing life struggles that impact finances. Our council meeting spent a good deal of time wading through some of the realities of our situation. People were careful with how they worded things and sensitive to how things might be heard. But were also straightforward in the discussion.

We have a plan of action and some more work to do, but because of some hard work we actually are able to plan and not just flail about guessing at our future.

Then, at the end of the meeting, one of the faithful - who is often the one taking care of everyone and everything else - (and one who is facing some life struggle that is bigger than usual), broke down as she spoke to a need that she needed to inform the council about. She said she would cover it, and immediately - from every person - the reaction was "no, we got you."

The need includes some financial investment by the church. But - even with the previous conversation of financial struggle - no one batted an eye.

I am pretty blessed to be serving with these people and in this place.

An Extension of Themselves

David, 2 ½, wants us to hold his arm while he eats and goes to sleep. He says "open/close" to indicate what we should do with our hand on his arm and often does that a number of times before relaxing into it. It's endearing and frustrating all at the same time. Sometimes it's pretty uncomfortable, especially when my arm is through his crib slats and I'm laying on the floor. Often, as I eat, I need to take my hand away for a moment, saying "I need two hands." He usually complains the entire time.

And, I am reminded that while my body continues to be my own, part of this role of motherhood - at least that way I am navigating it - includes allowing my body to be someone else's comfort. Allowing my kids to sit on me, hold onto me, snuggle into me, use my body as an extension of themselves.

I sometimes set my boundaries and say - "this is my body part." And when I do that I realize a bit of how this time of my body being theirs is actually pretty short. This time of them wanting to be right on top of me - or the natural way they grab my hand as we walk someplace - will likely only continue for a small portion of their lives. Sometimes I'm grateful that my body will one day again only be my own. And sometimes it feels sad to consider it.

Antidote

Yesterday was a lovely day (despite the stresses of work and world), in which I got to go to the Museum of Science and Industry with my 2 kids. They explored, they got their hands on different things (appropriately), they let me lead them to places they hadn't been before. We had a wonderful couple hours (that were also free except for parking)!

After the museum, we met up with my cousin Karin, who has a special relationship with my kids. I'm glad to have time with her too, but it was a particular blessing that she moved here to start classes at the same time I went back to work and was able to watch my kids one day a week for the first six months. I miss seeing her regularly, but both kids seem to easily fall back into trusting and loving her. As I think anyone would.

I get Thursdays alone with my kids this year. No appointments, no classes. No responsibilities to others. It's also the last year that both boys will not be in 5-day-a-week (full day!) school. So, I'm trying to get out and do things that are bit more far-flung or time consuming. Last week we went raspberry picking and then to a playground. I should maybe make a list of adventures so that we can keep it up.

Where It Comes From

It's no secret to me that my stress picks up when world events become more chaotic. Or, when I have a conversation with a particular person at work. Both happened this week. Although I try to let the conversation go, I continue to have memories of responses that I would edit if I could. I don't think I was inappropriate, I just know that this particular person doesn't always see what I'm saying, and sometimes tells other people about what she thinks is true. Add in a dash of financial stress (and a vendor who is trying to get more money for services we do not think were given) and work is not my favorite place right now.

These are the days when this role really has to be about something other than what makes me happy - or what I want to be doing. It is a call. I do believe this place is doing good, despite the challenges.

Signs of Stress

I know I'm stressed when I start daydreaming about what I would do, or what life would be like in an apocalyptic event. Or, if zombies came. Or, even if we were forced to be refugees.

Just this moment I looked down at my clothing - pajamas with a random shirt thrown on for warmth -  and thought - well, that wouldn't be warm enough, and is more colorful than I usually go.

Other times I've thought that if there was time, I'd load up our double stroller to take with us. When kids were in diapers, I'd make sure they had a bunch of diapers. When my youngest was nursing, I was relieved that at least he would have food (as long as I could get enough water).

I don't need to go into what is feeding my stress, only that this is one of those signs to me that it's level is creeping up.

Wrapping Up (and Reading)

Have I missed anything? Probably. There are many other things for which I am thankful.

This month it often felt like a task to write and explain each topic of thankfulness. I am glad that I've done it - and I may very well do it again. There were even times during this month that I wondered if I would continue to do this into Advent/December/maybe more. But, while I'd like to try to post more frequently - working out what I'm thinking- I don't think I'll do it with an extended theme regularly.

I would much rather spend my time reading than writing. I love stories - especially stories that invite me to use my imagination or that I can get into a new world for an extended period of time. I'm thankful for books, whether paper or electronic, and for the times I'm able to squeeze some reading into my life.

Mom and Dad

For November 29th, 2018

My parents are coming for the weekend to celebrate the kids' birthdays. And, it's recently been decided that they are going to come for Christmas too! I am so excited for both of these visits. While there are always challenges to more bodies in a small space, I am always thankful for the times my parents are able to come and be with us.

I'm also thankful for the ways in which our relationship has evolved. There are still times when, at my request, they offer opinions, suggestions and help. But, they are careful in how they parent at this time in our lives. They may ask a question, but with little intention of directing my actions. I know I am not so pure of intention with all of my questions, but they sure seem to be. The still parent when called upon, but mostly just love and care.

The last few years have been difficult to have much of any adult conversation with them. Really, it's been difficult to have any kind of adult conversation with anyone. I often don't know what's going on in their lives and don't have a lot to share with them other than kid-related things. There are times, though, when we're able to get into some of those deeper conversations - and those conversations with these particular people help me see myself better - and to be grounded.

I am always thankful for my parents.

Eye Crinkles

Yesterday I noticed I have eye crinkles - aka smile wrinkles fanning out from the corner of one's eye. I'm not actually sure how long I have had them, but I definitely have them now.

I remember noticing certain people's eye crinkles when I was younger - and loving them. Loving that it meant the person had smiled and laughed (or maybe just squinted a lot). I wanted to have some too.

And now I do. And, I'm glad (and thankful).

Laurie Berkner

When I knew I was pregnant I went searching for new kids music to play and sing and dance with my kids. I didn't really find anything new - or danceable. The words I used to search were probably off. Anyway, somehow in the last 4 years I heard a musician named Laurie Berkner - and in this last year especially my kids cannot get enough of her.

There are some songs that both boys sing along to (David with sounds, Gabriel with words). We searched out a timpani earlier in the year because one is used in one of her songs. One of her songs begins with a countdown: 5...4...3, 2, 1 - Blast Off - which I often use to get my kids moving.

I can only handle so much of most kids music, but her music is fun and peppy and easy to listen to for hours on end. She plays a kid show at Ravinia each year, and we got to go this year. It was well worth it and I'm betting we'll go again.

I recently bought her Christmas album from about 5 years ago. One of the songs sings, "Christmas is coming..." It was on and Gabriel was singing it as we started up the stairs to get ready for bed. He excitedly turns to me and yells - "THIS SONG IS RIGHT! CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"

I am thankful for Laurie Berkner.

Snow Day

Today is a SNOW DAY!

Because of a restless kiddo, I only slept until 3:30. Lately I've had a difficult time falling back to sleep afterwards. This time, at least part of the reason why I was too restless to fall asleep again was because of my excitement about the snow.

Now it's pretty gusty out - and there are blizzard warnings (which I'm pretty sure is why the schools ended up closing), but I'm still going to try to get us all bundled up after breakfast to go out and play. And maybe again later in the day too.

I also have a couple of craft ideas for us to work on as well.
We have been home for the last 4 days for Thanksgiving, but for some reason I'm not feeling like we're going to struggle with being home for another day. I'm looking forward to the adventure of today. And, for that, I am thankful.

Sundays Off

One of the perks of my current gig is that I get one Sunday off a month. Often this Sunday has gotten used for traveling or an event, but sometimes (like today) it will allow me to worship with my family.

Neither of my kids are very easy to handle in worship. And, as previously mentioned, Pablo superhumanly does it himself a couple times a month. I like these opportunities for us to be one-on-one with our kids and for me to get to help one pay attention (often I have Gabriel), whispering what is going on up front. 

Plus, it gives me the opportunity to hear another preacher - to hear the words of institution spoken for me. For these moments, I am thankful.

Spontaneity

For November 24th

My life has not had a lot of room lately for spontaneity. The extent has been with Gabriel has suggested we stop at a park or when I've decided we should head somewhere after naps for about an hour.

Yesterday, an acquaintance who I run into more than others, posted in a group wondering if anyone could meet up for lunch or dinner and because I was trying to plan a solo Target trip, I was able to make it happen. It was a lovely conversation and nice time away.

Today (and yesterday), I'm thankful for the growing ability to be spontaneous. Something that having children (especially children with food allergies) makes less easy.

Siblings and Their Families

While distance separates me from my siblings - and I see them only a couple times a year, I am so thankful for the relationship we have grown into as adults. And, I am thankful for their significant others and for my nephew.

I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and nephew, along with my parents, in just a week! They will get to come for our boys' birthday party and spend the weekend. We got to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law in California in October. And, we will all gather together sometime after Christmas (exactly when has yet to be determined).

My siblings are now, especially, two of the people who I know will almost always understand me when I need to talk through something. They are thoughtful, generous and fun. They each are very in touch with their emotions, and are able to acknowledge them and talk through them when it's helpful.

I do really wish we lived closer to each other and could see each other more - maybe even get together just the three of us from time to time. But, for now - we relish the time we do have together and send lots of messages and videos to keep us in tough.