Joy

Today is the 3rd Sunday in Advent. During the children's message, as we prepared to light the third, rose-colored candle, I shared an idea from from Henri Nouwen about happiness and joy:

According to Nouwen, happiness is dependent on external conditions, joy is "the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing – sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death - can take that love away." So, even when we are at our lowest, we can still experience joy.

We lit the candle, and continued with the readings - during which the candle went out. Before I read the Gospel, I took a moment to try to light the joy candle, but it wouldn't take (the wick was too low) and said something like that we continue to have joy in our hearts even if the candle isn't lit.

As soon as there was an opportunity - during the offering, a member of the congregation who is going through an incredibly tough time (really, a horrible time), was up there trying to do everything she could to get it lit. It still wouldn't take. After worship she took that pink candle out of worship with her and brought it back a few minutes later having carefully removed the excess wax so that the wick could light.

That joy - the joy that comes from a love that even sickness or failure, or family member's bad decisions, or chaos, or death - shines bright.

Come, Lord Jesus

These past couple weeks have been a blur of child sickness, Gabriel's birthday, more child sickness, (different child, longer and more parent-attention- needed sickness), and now preparing to host Thanksgiving and a birthday party. All at the same time I'm also trying to balance work that itself is feeling like a balancing act between hope and despair - between the work of a spiritual guide and a small-business administrator.

So, as I sit pre-dawn trying to unscramble my thoughts about Advent 1 - about what the Lord's coming means - I realize that the place I've seen God most recently (other than in love shared in family), has been the opportunity to preach, to study texts a little and be forced to come up with something that has truth, hope, reality and love - and to do so almost every week. Sometimes the entire process is so hard - but at other times, I'm energized by the thoughts that come into my head. The sermon preparation itself feels like a conversation with God as I wrestle through what certain things are saying and how they apply to our world as we know it and the world that we believe will yet be.

This morning, my prayer of Come, Lord Jesus, isn't a table prayer prior to eating, but a desk prayer as I write and ponder.

Full-time Follower of Jesus, Part-time Pastor

Now that I got that processing about how private I want to be accomplished, on to part 1 of my musings about what I want to do with my life.

I've long understood that the plans I make for my life will likely be edited along the way. I never became a public school teacher (yet), even though I was convinced between the ages of 8 and 20 that I wanted to do that. I haven't been an ordained chaplain - only fulfilling that role in a student role. I haven't become the senior pastor of a large congregation (yet?), realizing that the place that could have led to that role was not for me.

In recent years, I've been a part-time (interim) pastor. The other full-time job I have is to be the primary parent to preschoolers. When they go to school, I will likely be looking to fill my time differently. To work more than I do now. And, I'm contemplating supplementing that work with a role that is outside of organized religion - outside of the church.

I have seen rumblings in the last 10 years or so about how pastors of my generation should probably be prepared to be bi-vocational before we reach retirement age. Many congregations are not able to afford (or need) full-time clergy. While there is definitely a stress related to being a part-time pastor, I have found some joy in being able to be immersed in other ways than pastor when I'm in the community. While there is always more to do, that is the case for full-time ministry as well.

I've had some thoughts about the place of the church in society as it is now. I do not mourn that our particular form of organized religion is changing. That membership is going down. That we are not as powerful as we used to be. I'm positive I need to go into this more deeply in a future post - because I'm not trying to sink any ships either. But, I've long been impatient with the bemoaning that our experience of church is no longer what it used to be. That we do not hold the cultural capital we once did. I am actually hopeful that we are being forced to evolve.

And, that evolution may be away from the expectation that clergy is a full-time position of one who fulfills the ministry of the church.

To be continued....

Public Privacy

Currently this blog has an incredibly small audience (perhaps only me?). While I'm not really writing for others, I'm also aware that anything I put out there can be made public. There are a couple of posts I've kept as drafts. For whatever reason feeling like I didn't want them to be shared, but that I wanted to write.

I'm not completely clear on how private I want to be here. This past week, one of my kids did something that I'd love to both process in writing and have a record of. But, is it fair to him for me to do that on a public medium? Even if it's not being seen? What sounds does a falling tree make in a forest when no one is there to hear it?

I've also been mulling over what I want to do with my life - specifically my career. I will be sharing my thoughts about that soon, likely in more than one post. But, I'm also a little hesitant to put my musings out there because they are unprocessed and raw. And yet, that's part of my purpose of writing - to make meaning, to figure out what my actions should be, to process my life.

And maybe I'll overshare a little. But, at this point at least, I'm fairly certain that anyone who is reading isn't going to find what I'm mulling over problematic.

Why I'm Back

I started blogging again for a few reasons. One is honestly because I have all these thoughts I don't ever really have a chance to talk about with other adults. I mean, the majority of the time I'm caring for my kids who really don't allow conversation with others.

It's not only because of my kids. Another reason is that a lot of what I'm thinking about doesn't really fit into the adult conversations I do have. Some may, but this blogging also gives me the chance to work out my point and be more succinct. I've described myself as an external processor - meaning that sometimes I'm figuring out my point in the midst of talking. While this sometimes leads to some pretty good thoughts, often I'm stretching.

A third reason is because I want a place to remember this time and these stories - especially of my kids. I have not been good at writing things down and there are characteristics and stories of these two precious ones I want to remember once we're no longer in this time.

For today - I'm writing this while sitting on the couch next to David, who much of the time is holding my right hand. So, I'm typing one-handed. And every so often, he wants to type "d for David." Here is one of his: d

So, I'm back for now. With the knowledge that this is really only for me.

Conversations Producing Ripples

This week includes a number of intense conversations that are requiring different parts of who I am. Yesterday, in the 2 hours in which my kids were at preschool, I had a conversation with a recruiter for an incredibly exciting position. Then, immediately afterwards had a coffee date with a friend.

Today, during work I'm having to sort out some billing discrepancies with a vendor who hasn't been the easiest to deal with. And, I'm going to be taking communion to a woman I've never met before with some dementia.

Tomorrow, during preschool, Pablo and I will be having our check in with our financial advisor, and then I'm going to meet with a community member about another possible direction I might take my life.

I thought about looking at my calendar to see what happens Thursday, but I'm not sure that matters really. Because the point is made: these conversations are requiring such different parts of me, but all of them needing some degree of curiosity, some degree of clarity, and some degree of having my stuff together. (Although, the coffee with a friend didn't require that....only that it was immediately after the other conversation).

I'm nervous about both of today's conversations. I'll be very glad when they are done. But the others feel like they bring some excitement and accomplishment. Excitement at possibility, at connection. Accomplishment at adulting responsibly (that's mostly the finance conversation - but the others are adulting as well).

There are some weeks and months where it feels like the majority of my conversations and work are, while not calm, steady. Parenting, pastoring - fulfilling the duties and work that are common and routine. This week does not feel routine. And it feels like these conversations will have ripples of affect into the future - for better and for worse.

A Turning of the Tide Or the Eye of the Storm?

"I don't want to jinx it, but your boys are really well behaved." Said the nurse in the exam room yesterday. For the first time in our almost-5 years of seeing him, our doctor was running behind schedule. We were there after preschool - over the lunch hour - with both boys for the doctor to look at a rash on David (not a major concern, with nothing to do for it...but now we know).

The kids did do a very good job in the waiting room and in the exam room and as we went to get water between seeing the nurse and the doctor coming in (because David kept asking for it mostly because he just likes to operate the water cooler - but the nurse just thought he was thirsty). They were curious, and asked questions. They laughed when the nurse called David "sir" and when the doctor made funny noises. David let the pokes and prods of an appointment happen without a fuss.

We had some water spills, and at the end we had a pretty big bathroom mishap (though he was sitting on the toilet, none of the pee went in the toilet...and he was carried out with my shirt around his waist). But, the nurse was right. They were well-behaved. At a time I didn't really expect them to be.

This has been happening more and more, lately. Not quite so much that I count on it. But with enough regularity that I don't think it's a fluke. It is getting easier to parent these two rambunctious kiddos. Easier at least for a little bit...

Comfortable With What Comes Out of My Mouth

It's not often that I go to an adult party. I go to more kid parties than adult parties. I suppose kid parties can have the same kind of awkwardness that I find myself in at an adult party, but there are also usually distractions and easy conversation starters related to those kids.

Pablo and I got to go to a really fun adult party on Saturday night. It included a bonfire and party games. We knew a few people - and had fun talking with them, but we also managed to talk with some people we had not previously met.

Often after these events I have regret for things said - awkward responses or ways in which I dominated or didn't speak up. I didn't feel that after this party. Even with the following exchange:

In the attempt to make small talk with some people who are very much into sports, the talk moved to soccer and football. I so often find that I struggle to find the right balance of conversation between small talk and going deep. I'm not really good at the in between, and I feel uncomfortable really with keeping the small talk as small talk. So, I asked if they were intentional in having their elementary child play soccer instead of football. It was an enjoyable conversation. And then, one of the people said something along the lines of "soon the only people playing will be those who are looking to advance themselves financially."

Boom. "You're meaning that it will soon be that people who are poor, particularly people of color, are the only ones playing a sport that leads to brain damage for other's entertainment because they don't really see any other way to succeed in our county?"

I wasn't that blunt, but close. I ended with, "so, there's an injustice to football, huh?"

And then the conversation shifted and people moved on to other conversations, other groups.

For once I don't feel uncomfortable with how that conversation unfolded. I am not second guessing the discomfort my words caused. I feel good, actually. And not because I "got them." But because I didn't ignore the opportunity.

And who knows - it could have been that someone surprised me and I found someone else who shares a value with me. It wouldn't have surprised me completely because the friend whose party is was shares some of these values with me. But, in our area, my assumption is that most people would rather not name these things. Most people value living comfortably, and would rather not pay attention to the ways we lucked into our lives.

Overall the night was a lot of fun, and in some small way, this added to it. More than anything because I felt like I was able to be myself.

When Councils Get It Right

Today I got to be part of the beauty of a small congregation. We are facing some financial challenges - and some individuals are facing life struggles that impact finances. Our council meeting spent a good deal of time wading through some of the realities of our situation. People were careful with how they worded things and sensitive to how things might be heard. But were also straightforward in the discussion.

We have a plan of action and some more work to do, but because of some hard work we actually are able to plan and not just flail about guessing at our future.

Then, at the end of the meeting, one of the faithful - who is often the one taking care of everyone and everything else - (and one who is facing some life struggle that is bigger than usual), broke down as she spoke to a need that she needed to inform the council about. She said she would cover it, and immediately - from every person - the reaction was "no, we got you."

The need includes some financial investment by the church. But - even with the previous conversation of financial struggle - no one batted an eye.

I am pretty blessed to be serving with these people and in this place.

An Extension of Themselves

David, 2 ½, wants us to hold his arm while he eats and goes to sleep. He says "open/close" to indicate what we should do with our hand on his arm and often does that a number of times before relaxing into it. It's endearing and frustrating all at the same time. Sometimes it's pretty uncomfortable, especially when my arm is through his crib slats and I'm laying on the floor. Often, as I eat, I need to take my hand away for a moment, saying "I need two hands." He usually complains the entire time.

And, I am reminded that while my body continues to be my own, part of this role of motherhood - at least that way I am navigating it - includes allowing my body to be someone else's comfort. Allowing my kids to sit on me, hold onto me, snuggle into me, use my body as an extension of themselves.

I sometimes set my boundaries and say - "this is my body part." And when I do that I realize a bit of how this time of my body being theirs is actually pretty short. This time of them wanting to be right on top of me - or the natural way they grab my hand as we walk someplace - will likely only continue for a small portion of their lives. Sometimes I'm grateful that my body will one day again only be my own. And sometimes it feels sad to consider it.

Antidote

Yesterday was a lovely day (despite the stresses of work and world), in which I got to go to the Museum of Science and Industry with my 2 kids. They explored, they got their hands on different things (appropriately), they let me lead them to places they hadn't been before. We had a wonderful couple hours (that were also free except for parking)!

After the museum, we met up with my cousin Karin, who has a special relationship with my kids. I'm glad to have time with her too, but it was a particular blessing that she moved here to start classes at the same time I went back to work and was able to watch my kids one day a week for the first six months. I miss seeing her regularly, but both kids seem to easily fall back into trusting and loving her. As I think anyone would.

I get Thursdays alone with my kids this year. No appointments, no classes. No responsibilities to others. It's also the last year that both boys will not be in 5-day-a-week (full day!) school. So, I'm trying to get out and do things that are bit more far-flung or time consuming. Last week we went raspberry picking and then to a playground. I should maybe make a list of adventures so that we can keep it up.

Where It Comes From

It's no secret to me that my stress picks up when world events become more chaotic. Or, when I have a conversation with a particular person at work. Both happened this week. Although I try to let the conversation go, I continue to have memories of responses that I would edit if I could. I don't think I was inappropriate, I just know that this particular person doesn't always see what I'm saying, and sometimes tells other people about what she thinks is true. Add in a dash of financial stress (and a vendor who is trying to get more money for services we do not think were given) and work is not my favorite place right now.

These are the days when this role really has to be about something other than what makes me happy - or what I want to be doing. It is a call. I do believe this place is doing good, despite the challenges.

Signs of Stress

I know I'm stressed when I start daydreaming about what I would do, or what life would be like in an apocalyptic event. Or, if zombies came. Or, even if we were forced to be refugees.

Just this moment I looked down at my clothing - pajamas with a random shirt thrown on for warmth -  and thought - well, that wouldn't be warm enough, and is more colorful than I usually go.

Other times I've thought that if there was time, I'd load up our double stroller to take with us. When kids were in diapers, I'd make sure they had a bunch of diapers. When my youngest was nursing, I was relieved that at least he would have food (as long as I could get enough water).

I don't need to go into what is feeding my stress, only that this is one of those signs to me that it's level is creeping up.