Full-time Follower of Jesus, Part-time Pastor

Now that I got that processing about how private I want to be accomplished, on to part 1 of my musings about what I want to do with my life.

I've long understood that the plans I make for my life will likely be edited along the way. I never became a public school teacher (yet), even though I was convinced between the ages of 8 and 20 that I wanted to do that. I haven't been an ordained chaplain - only fulfilling that role in a student role. I haven't become the senior pastor of a large congregation (yet?), realizing that the place that could have led to that role was not for me.

In recent years, I've been a part-time (interim) pastor. The other full-time job I have is to be the primary parent to preschoolers. When they go to school, I will likely be looking to fill my time differently. To work more than I do now. And, I'm contemplating supplementing that work with a role that is outside of organized religion - outside of the church.

I have seen rumblings in the last 10 years or so about how pastors of my generation should probably be prepared to be bi-vocational before we reach retirement age. Many congregations are not able to afford (or need) full-time clergy. While there is definitely a stress related to being a part-time pastor, I have found some joy in being able to be immersed in other ways than pastor when I'm in the community. While there is always more to do, that is the case for full-time ministry as well.

I've had some thoughts about the place of the church in society as it is now. I do not mourn that our particular form of organized religion is changing. That membership is going down. That we are not as powerful as we used to be. I'm positive I need to go into this more deeply in a future post - because I'm not trying to sink any ships either. But, I've long been impatient with the bemoaning that our experience of church is no longer what it used to be. That we do not hold the cultural capital we once did. I am actually hopeful that we are being forced to evolve.

And, that evolution may be away from the expectation that clergy is a full-time position of one who fulfills the ministry of the church.

To be continued....

Public Privacy

Currently this blog has an incredibly small audience (perhaps only me?). While I'm not really writing for others, I'm also aware that anything I put out there can be made public. There are a couple of posts I've kept as drafts. For whatever reason feeling like I didn't want them to be shared, but that I wanted to write.

I'm not completely clear on how private I want to be here. This past week, one of my kids did something that I'd love to both process in writing and have a record of. But, is it fair to him for me to do that on a public medium? Even if it's not being seen? What sounds does a falling tree make in a forest when no one is there to hear it?

I've also been mulling over what I want to do with my life - specifically my career. I will be sharing my thoughts about that soon, likely in more than one post. But, I'm also a little hesitant to put my musings out there because they are unprocessed and raw. And yet, that's part of my purpose of writing - to make meaning, to figure out what my actions should be, to process my life.

And maybe I'll overshare a little. But, at this point at least, I'm fairly certain that anyone who is reading isn't going to find what I'm mulling over problematic.

Why I'm Back

I started blogging again for a few reasons. One is honestly because I have all these thoughts I don't ever really have a chance to talk about with other adults. I mean, the majority of the time I'm caring for my kids who really don't allow conversation with others.

It's not only because of my kids. Another reason is that a lot of what I'm thinking about doesn't really fit into the adult conversations I do have. Some may, but this blogging also gives me the chance to work out my point and be more succinct. I've described myself as an external processor - meaning that sometimes I'm figuring out my point in the midst of talking. While this sometimes leads to some pretty good thoughts, often I'm stretching.

A third reason is because I want a place to remember this time and these stories - especially of my kids. I have not been good at writing things down and there are characteristics and stories of these two precious ones I want to remember once we're no longer in this time.

For today - I'm writing this while sitting on the couch next to David, who much of the time is holding my right hand. So, I'm typing one-handed. And every so often, he wants to type "d for David." Here is one of his: d

So, I'm back for now. With the knowledge that this is really only for me.

Conversations Producing Ripples

This week includes a number of intense conversations that are requiring different parts of who I am. Yesterday, in the 2 hours in which my kids were at preschool, I had a conversation with a recruiter for an incredibly exciting position. Then, immediately afterwards had a coffee date with a friend.

Today, during work I'm having to sort out some billing discrepancies with a vendor who hasn't been the easiest to deal with. And, I'm going to be taking communion to a woman I've never met before with some dementia.

Tomorrow, during preschool, Pablo and I will be having our check in with our financial advisor, and then I'm going to meet with a community member about another possible direction I might take my life.

I thought about looking at my calendar to see what happens Thursday, but I'm not sure that matters really. Because the point is made: these conversations are requiring such different parts of me, but all of them needing some degree of curiosity, some degree of clarity, and some degree of having my stuff together. (Although, the coffee with a friend didn't require that....only that it was immediately after the other conversation).

I'm nervous about both of today's conversations. I'll be very glad when they are done. But the others feel like they bring some excitement and accomplishment. Excitement at possibility, at connection. Accomplishment at adulting responsibly (that's mostly the finance conversation - but the others are adulting as well).

There are some weeks and months where it feels like the majority of my conversations and work are, while not calm, steady. Parenting, pastoring - fulfilling the duties and work that are common and routine. This week does not feel routine. And it feels like these conversations will have ripples of affect into the future - for better and for worse.

A Turning of the Tide Or the Eye of the Storm?

"I don't want to jinx it, but your boys are really well behaved." Said the nurse in the exam room yesterday. For the first time in our almost-5 years of seeing him, our doctor was running behind schedule. We were there after preschool - over the lunch hour - with both boys for the doctor to look at a rash on David (not a major concern, with nothing to do for it...but now we know).

The kids did do a very good job in the waiting room and in the exam room and as we went to get water between seeing the nurse and the doctor coming in (because David kept asking for it mostly because he just likes to operate the water cooler - but the nurse just thought he was thirsty). They were curious, and asked questions. They laughed when the nurse called David "sir" and when the doctor made funny noises. David let the pokes and prods of an appointment happen without a fuss.

We had some water spills, and at the end we had a pretty big bathroom mishap (though he was sitting on the toilet, none of the pee went in the toilet...and he was carried out with my shirt around his waist). But, the nurse was right. They were well-behaved. At a time I didn't really expect them to be.

This has been happening more and more, lately. Not quite so much that I count on it. But with enough regularity that I don't think it's a fluke. It is getting easier to parent these two rambunctious kiddos. Easier at least for a little bit...

Comfortable With What Comes Out of My Mouth

It's not often that I go to an adult party. I go to more kid parties than adult parties. I suppose kid parties can have the same kind of awkwardness that I find myself in at an adult party, but there are also usually distractions and easy conversation starters related to those kids.

Pablo and I got to go to a really fun adult party on Saturday night. It included a bonfire and party games. We knew a few people - and had fun talking with them, but we also managed to talk with some people we had not previously met.

Often after these events I have regret for things said - awkward responses or ways in which I dominated or didn't speak up. I didn't feel that after this party. Even with the following exchange:

In the attempt to make small talk with some people who are very much into sports, the talk moved to soccer and football. I so often find that I struggle to find the right balance of conversation between small talk and going deep. I'm not really good at the in between, and I feel uncomfortable really with keeping the small talk as small talk. So, I asked if they were intentional in having their elementary child play soccer instead of football. It was an enjoyable conversation. And then, one of the people said something along the lines of "soon the only people playing will be those who are looking to advance themselves financially."

Boom. "You're meaning that it will soon be that people who are poor, particularly people of color, are the only ones playing a sport that leads to brain damage for other's entertainment because they don't really see any other way to succeed in our county?"

I wasn't that blunt, but close. I ended with, "so, there's an injustice to football, huh?"

And then the conversation shifted and people moved on to other conversations, other groups.

For once I don't feel uncomfortable with how that conversation unfolded. I am not second guessing the discomfort my words caused. I feel good, actually. And not because I "got them." But because I didn't ignore the opportunity.

And who knows - it could have been that someone surprised me and I found someone else who shares a value with me. It wouldn't have surprised me completely because the friend whose party is was shares some of these values with me. But, in our area, my assumption is that most people would rather not name these things. Most people value living comfortably, and would rather not pay attention to the ways we lucked into our lives.

Overall the night was a lot of fun, and in some small way, this added to it. More than anything because I felt like I was able to be myself.