Crossword Help

I usually enjoy doing the crossword in the paper Fridays through Sundays. Today, however, it's giving me a headache. I'm stuck on a few words that are really driving me nuts! There are six words I cannot get - can you help me out?

Orange variety: O S _ _ E
Supplemented, with "out": E _ _ D
Lettuce type: _ O S
Platonic P: _ H O
Side Conversation: _ _ O S S P _ L _
and
Turn right: _ E _

Usually if I can't get something it's okay. But I feel like I should be able to get these.

My heritage? I'm not so sure.

Following Meckhead, Jessica and Abba, I decided to try my hand, or should I say face, at the web site that tells you which stars you look like (or have a common heritage? Looks can be deceiving).

Here are my somewhat embarrassing totals - with a couple comments.

Janet Leigh (68%) I do believe my mom's sister looks quite a bit like a young Janet Leigh - so I'll take it.

Diane Keaton (49%) It's the glasses.

Andrew Wiles (48%) First reaction - Who? (Answer) Second reaction - a man?!? Again, it's the glasses. Third reaction - Hey, at least he's smart.

Elton John (47%) Hmmm...I just can't win. Janet Leigh was a good start, Diane Keaton is okay. But then Andrew Wiles and now Sir Elton John! It had better get more complimentary!

Katie Holmes (47%) Ok, that's better. I used to find Tom Cruise hot too.

Mia Farrow (46%) Eh, at least she's not a man.

Meryl Streep (44%) Lot's of strong women types in here - are we sure this isn't a personality test?

Celine Dion (42%) This is where I question the whole heritage thing.

Olivia Newton-John (41%) Aww, Sandra Dee!

Michelle Pfeiffer (41%) Phew - so we ended with some attractive women, including Catwoman herself.

Convicted

Thank you, Abba, for asking how the chaos is going. I can honestly say that it continues to go, and that I'm holding up - but I'm totally going to need a nice glass of wine on Sunday afternoon (during a 24 hour break from the chaos).

Some of the things that have added to chaos have been things that have forced me to continue my discernment process. This discernment thing never stops, it just continues. Some of my colleages are suggesting, and I'm asking them to suggest, some possible directions and options for what will shape my ministry. But, that's not all I'm having to discern.

I'm having to discern how much I can say yes to before that yes ends up meaning a no to something else to which I've already committed.

I'm having to discern how much "we've always done it that way" is truth and how much is perception.

I'm having to discern what the consequences might be if we don't do "it" the way "it" has always been done.

I'm having to discern how much to fill people in on of my vision - small steps for some, big picture for others.

I'm having to discern where I really want to put my energy.

Tonight I started a 2 1/2 day Anti-Racism Training. And, as I was sitting there listening to a wonderful woman speak, I started having doubts about the amount of energy I want to put into certain justice issues. I suppose it was a bit of despair of what I will never be able to fully accomplish (as if accomplishing was the point), combined with fatigue, combined with not really knowing where to start in my location (which is one reason to do the training - duh!).

As this evening's session was winding down, we had a short worship service in which this woman first led us in a favorite spiritual "Wade in the Water." As she sang the verse "See that host standin' all in black (God is gonna trouble the water) I'm a leaving and I ain't goin' back"** she looked right at me - held my gaze and smiled. At first I smiled, then I started to tear up, then I had to look down as my face flushed. I am convicted.

I can't go back either. And it's scary. I was not expecting this. But, taking this training (even as introductory as it has been so far) and contemplating other ways to bring justice to the forefront of my ministry, really means that I kinda have to keep wrestling with it. I don't get to stop and say that I don't want to pay attention to injustice today - or that I'll ever finish my work. More discernment.

**I can't find this particular verse in the on-line lyrics pages that I've looked. I can find all of the others she sang, but not that verse. So, these might not be the particular words she sang.

On the Eve of Chaos

Tomorrow starts an incredibly busy and responsibility-laden rest-of-January. And so, I find, I don't want to go to bed. I know once I go to bed that my busy life essentially begins. If I don't go to bed, I get to enjoy these last five days of relative un-busy-ness. However, I also will not get my essential quota of sleep.

Ah well. Responsibility starts now.

The Wonder of Kids - And the Good They Bring

During an extended family Christmas celebration I was somehow singled out by my cousin's 2-year-old son as a safe person. He followed me around a bit, and kept running back to my lap after venturing out (it helped that part of the time I was the lone female in a room full of men who were playing with and teasing him). As I said then, my heart just kept getting bigger and bigger.

I love children. Yet, for some reason my bonds with the children at church haven't gotten very far yet. I think it has something to do with not being quite as reachable as I lead worship and other church activities. I wonder if I am a bit intimidating to them. I also have not had much of a chance to be with them. These last three months I've participated in some of their activities (today we went ice skating - fun!). And, I think that some of these relationships are building. This month a few of the kids were more comfortable than last month. The trust will come - even if the relationship remains one of pastor/parishioner.

But, I miss that complete trust of a 2-year old as he flings his body into my lap and snuggles.

Doubting Thomas

I recently picked up the new Nickel Creek album, "Why Should the Fire Die?" One of the album's songs completely stands out to me - "Doubting Thomas." They lyrics read:

what will be left when i've drawn my last breath
besides the folks i've met and the folks who know me
will i discover a soul cleansing love
or just the dirt above and below me

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

sometimes i pray for a slap in the face
then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward
if there's a master of death i'll bet he's holding his breath
as i show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

can i be used to help others find truth
when i'm scared i'll find proof that its a lie
can i be lead down a trail dropping
bread crumbs
that prove i'm not ready to die

please give me time to decipher the signs
please forgive me for time that i've wasted

i'm a doubting thomas
i took a promise
but i don't know what's safe
oh me of little faith

I think it's the third verse that strikes me. The scariness and awesomeness of this career. The amount of responsibility - that I take this so seriously, but then realizing that it's not all up to me...that I am more than likely getting a whole mess of things wrong. But - I still take up a lead and hope others will follow...not following me to follow me, but to figure out the way(s) to follow another.

While I rarely feel quite the extent of the uncertainty as the lyricist, there are times that are hard to say what I believe. But then I fall back on what I promised to teach and preach and sometimes it's this very act of preaching and teaching that brings me out of my doubt. And I resonate with the feelings of not being worthy to be in this place of leadership. But if any of this were about worth, I know I wouldn't be where I am at all.

Wisdom's House

In the mail on Wednesday I received the most lovely of gifts. It was from my host family as I was a volunteer through Lutheran Volunteer Corps a number of years ago. They are wonderful souls with whom I continue to keep in some degree of contact. They are, in fact, who introduced me to Denise Levertov's work - she being the author of the poem for which this blog site is named. He is among other things an artist and poet and he wrote the following in the letter to me:

"Which leads me to explain the enclosed poem. "Wisdom's House" has been published in a small Christian literary magazine Windhover. But it started with a question you made me ask. One day I was watching you interact with homeless and/or obviously disturbed or stoned individuals who you knew through N House (the homeless shelter where I worked). The way that you dropped all pretense and agendas of your own and became available to them made me ask, what house did [Amused] grow up in to become this way. It made me also think of [my volunteer house] and the many LVC houses and households and the volunteer interactions that take place."

Wisdom's House
--for [Amused]

I've seen her house levitate
lift its burden against gravity
arc across the rippled roof lines
of the sleeping city.

I've heard her front porch speak
with the tongue of movie rights
in the timbre of patent law
and on the twelve point ritual.

When we arrive at Wisdom's house
the doors recite stories. Windows
unravel old ghost secret hymns.
Saints heat water, brew tea.

The border between the work
of our hands on fresh mornings
and the words of hearts seek
on pale evenings, that margin blurs.

A slow wind sings itself
through each room, stands in
every doorway, is already asking
if we need another home.

by Robert [last name...since I haven't told him I'm putting this on the internet]

One reason I love poetry is because I don't every get it all the first time. And, I know that this will take a number of reads for me to soak it all in. And, like scripture, I may read it differently depending on where I am in life.

And, my heart swells as I realize that it's really about the home in which I was brought up - that it's about those who supported me since I first was and those who helped support me as I branched out.

Even when I'm relaxing, I make lists

Ahh, a day off, with another one immediately following. I slept in until just before 10. While my body is not yet feeling altogether relaxed, it is relaxing. I do have a to-do list for today - but it includes fun stuff as well as work stuff.

1) figure out how and where to recycle my Christmas tree (and how long they accept them)
2) find a dentist, make an appointment
3) find an eye doctor, make an appointment
4) find a massage therapist, make an appointment (I'm available tomorrow)
5) take a bath
6) call friend to figure out when we're going to Brokeback Mountain
7) put away things on my dining room table, which seems to collect everything I take out of its place
8) Call to RSVP for house blessing at colleague's house on Saturday (am I going or not? I don't know)
9) before I go to bed, do the dishes.

I will allow myself to leave anything but 4, 5, 6 & 9 until tomorrow - which happens to be another day off.

It is amazing. Just knowing that I have tomorrow too feels so nice. A real day off - if I like, not to do anything but what is essential to relax and stay alive (really, my dishes might attack me if they are not soon cleaned).

Actually, this entire week, I've been more relaxed, happier, more patient...just because I knew I would have these two days. A lesson.

I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter.

My family member who can best push my buttons, but also might be right on (thus pushed my buttons) told me over my short visit (in the midst of a "discussion") that she worried about me - worried that I was too hard on myself and set an impossible bar for myself.

I came back from that break and worked these last two days. Within these two days I've had face-to-face contact with perhaps 8 people from my congregation. Three of these eight people had separate conversations with me talking about how they thought about me - one - how it must be hard to be new in a city with such a big job. Two others (at separate times) about how this was an enormous job and that I needed to make sure I took care of myself. I also reread an e-mail today from a colleague that was applauding some self-care boundary setting I'd done.

Wow! It brings to mind the old joke/sermon illustration of the man caught in a flood standing on his roof praying for God to save him - a boat, a helicopter and some other mode of transportation all come by offering help, but he says no, 'cause he's waiting for the Lord. Well - duh! God works through people! God must have understood that I needed that many people and in those particular ways telling me to pay better attention to self care.

So, I'm taking next Thursday off. Next week I am going to set up an appointment with one of the three spiritual directors I've been led to. Also, in the next two weeks I'm going to finally call the person who I've thought might be a good "synod mentor." I've got other plans as to how to monitor myself, but I don't know that I need to list them all here.

Self-care is so important, but it's so easy to let go of. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by the big job and let others fill my schedule. It's so easy to feel despair over not being able to finish everything. But, as I tell so many others, I've got to make sure that I am healthy...not just physically (oh yeah, what was that about a gym?), but spiritually, emotionally and socially too.

These posts have been depressing lately - I've been overwhelmed and undernourished. Thankfully, God keeps sending people to save me from the flood of.....hmm, not despair, not loneliness, self-destruction. Yup, that's it.

Merry Christmas

My last post seems so depressing. In actuality, within hours of posting it things began to turn around. My parents are coming out for New Year's Eve. Which, considering I can't stay out very late due to work obligations early the next morning, and considering that I'm single, is the best thing I think could have happened. Now I get to spend New Year's with people I love, and not feel like a fuddy duddy for leaving before the ball drops.

Also, I was cued into a flight between here and my parents' home for an incredibly reasonable price. Which means I get more time with family and friends and less time in the car (almost 10 hours less travel time!)

However, I've been back at the teary stage, but this time I can point fingers. I'm stressed. It's 8 am on Christmas Eve morning and I haven't finished my sermon for tonight and barely begun my sermon for tomorrow morning. (Uff! Just remembered - children's sermon for tomorrow!) Also, a parishioner that I've been steadily visiting in the hospital died yesterday, and due to plane tickets I will not be doing the funeral. That feels really hard to give it up. It's the second time I've gone on vacation, and the second time I've had to ask another pastor to step in to preside at the funeral.

So, I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I'm surrounding myself with Christmas music. I've got my tree lights on. I'm wishing everyone I see "Merry Christmas." But, because of this whole worship leadership thing, I'm losing sight of some of the beauty and mystery.

I do wish that for everyone - A Merry Christmas, where the wonder of the gift of God is felt.

Bad Mood

Why have I been on the edge of crying for the last few days? They haven't been altogether stressful (or at least no more than usual). I've had some good rewarding moments - some good interactions, some good preparatory work done. It's not what has been happening that has gotten me down. Today as I talked with dear friend, Belle, I realized that it's because I'm looking towards a crappy holiday season.

The time when my family has it's normal celebration, I'm going to be preparing for the next day's worship service. The time when other people are opening presents from extended family members and eating ham? I'm going to be driving for 6 hours. The time when people are toasting out the old year and toasting in the new? Yet another lonely night at home while getting ready for worship the next day.

At least that's what it's looking like now. I could do something differently on New Year's Eve. I don't have a sermon that Sunday. I do hope to go to a late evening worship service Christmas Eve. I've got time to plan it. I just need to put the energy into it.

Exercise Count: 2

Check in...

At my first real full-time work place we had weekly staff meetings with "check-ins" where we shared what was going on in our lives because that completely fed into our work. So, here is my somewhat organized Check-In.

WORK: is good - challenged by office administration and today had to be a bit of a....umm, best clean word? - well, let's just say I had to lay down the law a bit.

Yesterday's soup kitchen was amazing in the people that I got to be a pastor to - and the ways I got to be part of people's lives. It was also cool because one of my Catholic colleagues was there because his parish is going to take over one night a month, so they were learning the ropes. I felt as each person (of various backgrounds and need-base) approached me that it validated the importance of what we are doing.

Today I planned all of the holiday worship service - which I do enjoy. I'm excited about a couple of the services, and two might take some extra work gathering others to be involved, but I'm excited to do it - to get people involved. However, because of certain office administration challenges I sacrificed a lunch break (before realizing that I hadn't had breakfast) - so I became a bit crabby.

SOCIAL LIFE: Good, because I've already had two social occasions of the week - but it is still very much missing the intimate quality. I think a couple of friends are getting there - but there are other things I miss - and miss out on. Overall - at this particular moment I am feeling lonely. Aching with loneliness, really. My plan is to go to bed with a good book and good music.

EXERCISE: Decent - because I can count bowling on Sunday - and shoveled for about 2 hours today. But, I'm not counting it until Friday...so we'll see what tomorrow brings...

Reports

Report #1
At my Grandparents' home these past few days, not only did I finish the square for the quilt I'm knitting (I don't have a pattern, I'm just knitting squares. Maybe it won't turn out) but I also finished my second sock! Now I have a pair!

Report #2
I signed the cousins up to help provide the Christmas celebration meal. The siblings are bringing soups and the Grandparents are providing bread and cookies. When the siblings were looking around, trying to figure out how to beef up the meal (so to speak) I piped in saying that my generation could take care of it. As one of only 2 cousins there at the time I hope no one minds that I spoke for them. We are between the ages of 23 and 31 - we should be able to pull our weight.

Report #3
My congregation has no plan for snow removal. It snowed yesterday. I spent 2 hours shoveling snow today (in 2 one-hour increments) so that the city doesn't come through to clear it for us (costing us a lot of money). I enjoyed myself, but would have had a much more enjoyable day (maybe even able to take advantage of the presence of a certain Chicago friend in town at her folks) if I had been able to just concentrate on my sermon and get out of there.

Report #4
Said snow shoveling (as well as Wednesday's snow shoveling) are my exercises for the week.
I never did make it to the Y last week. I'll be checking it out soon.
Exercise = 2

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for Christ

Umm. True Confession. So, I actually used the description of the Transformers and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in my sermon today (like when they come together to form one big being and the command center is in the head - ie. Jesus as the head of the body of Christ). And people liked it, they said it helped them relate a bit...at least the ones that said something.

I fear I dumb things down a bit too much sometimes. There's a book title that I remember called Reaching Out Without Dumbing Down by Marva Dawn. I don't know that I have read it, but the title sticks in my head. I wonder, when am I simply using creative imagery and when am I going too far.

Brute Strength

I've been making a few references to childhood toys and cartoons lately. It just seems to fit. Like, the description of Jesus as the head of the church - with the people the body - that is in the second reading for this Sunday makes me think of Transformers (or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers that I grew to love as a college-age babysitter). When the robot or the very large power ranger - I'm not exactly sure what it is - comes together, or transforms - there Jesus is...in the control tower, so to speak. He's calling the shots, directing where things should go and moving this big clunky body forward to do good (or in the case of the cartoons, fight the bad guy). So, is that where the black and white pictures of good and evil come from? Cartoons.

Anyway, back on topic. The most recent childhood cartoon to pop into my head is She-Ra...who, I am sorry to admit I sometimes confuse with Jem...even though they are completely different. They must have been on one right after the other or something. She-Ra popped into my head as I was thinking about what it means to be strong. And, She-Ra's strength is not the kind of strength that I want or have.

Bellerina brought me to tears with a blog of hers in which she referred to me as strong. When I think about it, my back gets straighter and my resolve deeper...and I cry. I want to write about strength, but at the moment I don't think I truly can - I've got too much else going on in my mind to think clearly about it. But, that's what I'm thinking about right now. What does it mean for me to be strong? Where do I see strength in others?

This week's exercise: 0 (but on my list for today is to check out the Y)

Amused? Naw - Amazed.

I have been incredibly amazed lately at how much people are willing to allow me into their lives. The good, the bad, the joyous, the mournful. And how much people remember what I say. It's scary, really! But, at the same time - I have to trust that the Spirit has some pull there - and is moving within people just as much as, if not more than, she is moving in me.

Exercise for last week: one (bummer!)

The pastor and the single girl

Scene - cold windy day, I'm dropping my car off in the driveway of a parishioner who lives 5 houses down from me. I will be out of town for a few days and will not be able to abide by this city's parking stipulation of alternating sides of the street according to the day.

I am standing outside talking to this dear, dear saint - who also happens to be very good at spreading information when an attractive (ringless) man with a very nice dog and adorable child comes by. He and the parishioner start up a conversation as he is obviously checking me out (I swear...I don't believe I usually think someone is when he isn't...I might sometimes be oblivious, but I don't think I overestimate myself).

As one who is intensely private about such things, I kept quiet...in another circumstance, I'm not sure that I would.

He turned around a couple houses down and headed back in our direction as the dear saint and I were finishing our conversation. It almost worked that the attractive man and myself would have been walking together, except that as I started to walk away the dear, dear parishioner called me back for further conversation. (Minnesota goodbyes are not just in Minnesota). Ah well - it could just be that he's just one not to wear rings and maybe I looked familiar to him or something. Who knows.

The pastor and the single girl are at odds with each other sometimes.

Clubbin'

Abba sometimes begins her posts by listing her workout accompaniment. In the past, my most successful workout regiments have been when I've had someone who has held me accountable, mainly by working out with me. I don't have that here, at least not yet.** One friend of a friend and I have gone on a few walks together, but there is no set regimen.

I have an athletic club plan. I am going to get week long memberships for weeks that I am here until the new year. I will be trying out each of these athletic clubs as I go and will be able to make a decision around the new year, hopefully around a time when such athletic clubs have a discount for joining. My plan has been aided by two continuing education weeks that have allowed me to exercise other places, as well as some beautiful weather here that has made it all but impossible to stay inside doing work when I could be out being active. And so, I have just about 8 weeks left of this year - or I should say, about 6 weeks where it would be worth it to try a club. I know of 4 such clubs that I want to try out anyway.

The trick though, will be trying to make sure I do keep exercising as I seek a club and after I've joined. And so, my dear blog perusers, you are my accountability piece. Each week I will report what physical exercise I have completed. And so, let it begin. This week I ran (outside, on beautiful days) on Monday and Wednesday this week. I hope to do some kind of physical activity tomorrow as well...but I suppose I can't report that if I haven't actually done it. So - I exercised twice this week. So, this week's magic number is two.


**One friend has mentioned the possibility of trying to join the same athletic club...perhaps with the intent to attend similar classes or workout together?

Right Neighborly - or not

I had a run-in tonight. It happened about four hours ago and I'm still a little shaky.

No, it wasn't an accident - although it did involve my car. No, my physical safety wasn't in danger. No, it had nothing to do with work (although I definitely used some conflict resolution skills).

My doorbell rang a little before 7. Tonight was my neighborhood's trick-or-treat night (Halloween is huge here!). I expected that it was some kids. Instead it was a man, his sister and I think his brother-in-law. The brother and sister are sibling of a woman who lives across the street.

When I came home tonight there was very little room on my street to park. Being most recently from Chicago, this was not really a problem for me. As I squeezed my way into a tiny spot I did realize that my bumper was touching the car ahead of me (without very much room behind me). There was plenty of room for the car ahead of me to get out, but the offense I committed came in because my car was touching the man's car. (And let me say, I understand that I was in the wrong in this way and that people are protective of cars and paint jobs).

Well, I stepped outside, confused because I didn't see any kids. The sister aggressively asked if my car was my car and when I affirmed that it was proceeded to yell and swear at me. She kept asking me questions but gave no time for an answer (and then got more riled up when I didn't answer).

My legs were shaking, but I stayed standing. I soon ascertained that there was no way for me to talk to the sister - and when I discovered that the car in fact was the much calmer brother's, I talked with him. He and I left on good terms. I apologized and said that it wasn't all that unusual of a thing to happen where I had recently been, but that I understand that this is a different situation and I will not park so closely again. I apologized again and asked if there was any other way for me to respond.

The thing I don't understand completely, and would love to have someone explain to me, is why this was such an affront to them. I wonder if they thought it was a personal attack? I wonder what else it was that I did that contributed to the hostility from the sister. When I asked if I could do anything else the brother said "I just don't understand." And it felt to me like it was as serious as if someone had killed a kitten for no reason. I need some help understanding myself, it seems.

A half hour later I saw the woman who owns the house across the street outside and so I sucked in all the courage I could and went over and introduced myself, reiterating that I had not intended any offense and that I was sorry that we were just finally meeting because of this to-do. She was very nice and I think she and I are on good terms.

I've not been a very social neighbor. I've introduced myself to neighbors on either side and say hello when I pass someone, but that is not often. I have not gone out of my way here - partly because I'm in the mode of frequent moving around and apartment dwelling. This really made me appreciate all the more the importance of knowing one's neighbor.

Found it

Service (and sermon) completed. Still a busy day tomorrow. But, on the other side of the service I realized as soon as I started talking with the family again that that is where I get my motivation. To meet people where they are. To laugh with them and to cry with them - but most of all to know that God loves them and that they need not fear what is after their time on earth - for them or for their loved ones.

It's really not so hard to find motivation when I consider the people.