3 Months (the long and the short of it)

I started my current call 3 months ago. In three months time I have learned

1. I can write a sermon in 3 hours time
2. Most of the time those sermons aren't very good, but every once in a while a winner comes out of a short mad writing spree
3. I can lead a Bible Study on the texts for the week using the same prep I used for my sermon
4. When I lose my keys (easily up to four times a day) they are usually in the same place on my desk.
5. Some days it is very easy to come home and not think about work.
6. Other days there is no way I can get work out of my head.
7. It can take three months of regular visits to (finally) be able to navigate a hospital, especially one that has been frequently remodeled.
8. It can take (only) three minutes of heartfelt listening to help another feel as if someone cares and will listen.
9. It can take three weeks (or more) for appreciation of a particular sermon to come back to you.
10. It can take three seconds to stick your foot in your mouth - especially during times of prayer when some sort of eloquence and care should be involved.
11. I need to remind myself to take back the gobs of extra time I have put in.
12. Even when I intend to take a full day for myself, one phone call from the son of an ailing woman can change those plans.
13. I do not need to respond to other people's urgencies (except perhaps in cases such as #12). Ok, further clarification as to what some of these urgencies might be: need to know what the council has decided, need to hire someone for a position as volunteers are filling in. Urgencies that are not life/death.
14. It hurts when people (outside of my congregation) question and doubt that I am a pastor - or assume that there must be other pastors from my congregation.
15. Many of my parishioners and others with whom I come into regular contact do think of me as pastor - with no questions.

Unintentional

I unintentionally lied in my last post. I think I might very well be working as much as I did in school - but only for this week. I've only worked 4 days this week and I've worked over 40 hours. On my day off (today) not only do I have a wedding rehearsal, but I have to attempt to prepare for the wedding rehearsal (my first ever in a leadership role) and I should probably write the sermon for the wedding.

When it comes right down to it, I am unintentionally working way more than I think is necessary. But, I'm not goofing off. We had a number of new programming things this week, there were a couple of meetings off church grounds, and, perhaps most of all, there were a few new hospital and nursing home visits to make.

The thing is, I feel like I accomplished things this week. And yet there is still so much to do. I feel though, as if I'm getting things in place so that I don't have to reinvent the wheel every single week. And, people are starting to turn to me as pastor. I still get the surprised looks and funny comments when people first realize that I'm the pastor - the only pastor. But, those who are members of the congregation are accepting me, and in some cases end up "defending" me to those who question (I tend not to defend, just state the obvious, "Yes, I'm the pastor. Yes, I'm new and early in my career. Yes, I'm younger than 30. Yes, I'm a woman.")

Finally, this week, even amidst all of my busyness I've somewhat unintentionally had a social life with a few different groups of people, non of them members of the congregation. Actually, if I count last Friday in the mix, I've socialized (in a purely social way) with five different groups of people! And that is with my crazy work week.

So, yeah. I'm exhausted - but I'm managing to accomplish what I need to. And, I'm having fun outside of work too.

Now, if only I could unintentionally exercise...

Fewer hours + more responsibility = Worn Out

This morning I woke up tired. Two long days behind me, four long days ahead of me with not enough time to accomplish everything I think I need to do. Yet, I probably am running around quite a bit less than I ever did in either schooling experience I've had. I just have more responsibility. And that makes me tired.

I think I'm doing what I need to in order to take care of myself. My social calendar has been quite full of late. I'm for the most part making sure that my day off has very little to do with work and doing my best to take time on both Saturday and Sunday away from everything. But ahead of my this weekend - a wedding rehearsal on my day off and the wedding on Saturday. That means two sermons, both of which are brewing in my head, but neither of which have anything on paper.

I've discovered that the weeks immediately before council meetings and immediately following council meetings are the busiest. Committees trying to get things done before and picking up the decisions that were made afterwards.

So, now, I've got to go and get ready for my day. I'm 1/2 way through my first cup of my regular 2 cups of coffee and a shower will feel good - and then it's off to the workplace.

Odds and Ends

Each of these could be their own entry - and I reserve the right to do so in the future - but for now they're short and to the point.

+ I am now sportin a new ride. My brother's vehicle (on loan to me as he attempts to live simply) is only about one year younger than my (now former) car, but it's in much better shape.

+ I have finally purchased a bed. Actually, I did this a couple weeks ago. I am now the owner of a "big girl bed" and have moved the "nun bed" into the guest room. Of course, moving from the nun bed to the big girl bed does not change the contents in any way - but there is a lot more room to spread out on.

+ I have support in my job! And, I got things done this week! And...well, okay, my sermon isn't done - but it's well on its way!

+Tomorrow is my day off, but in some ways it will be a working day off because I need to pay bills, start looking for an accountant, get a dress fitted, get the car's oil changed. But, I also get Monday off - whoo-hoo! Chi-town, here I come!

+ I've successfully unhooked myself from a web that eats up my time! I got a little hooked on checking up on the live feeds of the show Big Brother. Can you blame me? I'm in a new city by myself, and these people were letting me into their lives. But, once my free 2 weeks ran out, I have let it go! I don't even read the web sites (well...as much). I still watch the show when I can though.

+ Babies, babies, babies! It seems as if they are popping out all over the place. (I don't mean to be crass, that is truly how I feel - it seems I turn my head and another friend is all of a sudden holding a wriggling infant in his or her arms). Three years ago it was weddings, weddings, weddings, although only one of those couples are new parents. This is so much fun - new life and new joy...and that I don't have to be up with them at night. Bring on the kids! (Just not in my family yet, please).

Two days later...

Here it is, two days later and although I'm exhausted, I feel like competent Pastor again. Over the course of Tues to Wed I worked a full 24 hours. Today was all about getting the newsletter out, getting the bulletin ready and now, finally, I get to work on my sermon.

I've learned it's better for me to leave the office when I want to write a sermon. I work better at my home office. It might be comfort level, it might be the lighting (I actually wonder if it's my keyboard at work that is difficult to type on), but I just am more inspired at home.

Two days later - I've had some deep conversations with some, been brushed off by others, helped plan a large event, visited a woman in a nursing home, met for a text study with other clergy, finalized some staff transitions and actually took some time to study the Bible. Two days later and I'm remembering what I'm doing here and why I'm doing it.

Phew!

If I were superstitious...

I would think it was me. As an intern people died either right before I was about to visit them or immediately after I did. Now, with as much as I can say about my situation - let's just say that there is a major staff rejuvenation in the works.

If I was superstitious I would think it was me. If I was egocentric I would thing it was me (phew, maybe I'm not as egocentric as I think). I know it's not me, but, as with the multiple deaths, I'm marveling at the timing. Marveling isn't quite the right word...but I'm too tired to figure out what is.

Following the same subject - work - I'm really having to learn how to draw my boundaries. Boundaries have often come very easy for me - but I'm finding it quite difficult as I feel continuously placed in the middle of situations that it's not necessary I be in. It takes so much more work to sit silent or redirect - making sure people are communicating with each other rather than it go through me. It would be so much easier if I just did everything - but I don't have that kind of time nor do I want that authority - nor is it my call. I am here to empower others. But it's hard to remember that when someone asks "What are you going to do about that?"

I'm exhausted and have cried more in the last two days than I think I have all year. I'm not exactly sure why - other than I'm not in control and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I continue to feel like I'm in the right place and that I am doing the work I am called to do. And, I have hope and trust that I will get to the point where this will come more naturally. (I also have some very good resources and outlets that I have begun to use - so I'm taking some good steps both professionally and personally, but it doesn't fix everything right away).

If I were superstitious I would believe my horoscope from Sunday (the day of my official installation as pastor of this church) that contained among the prophecy, "...it's not the best day to make a commitment or promise. Change is headed your way..." But, I'm not superstitious and I will follow through with those promises I made - but the only way I'll be able to is because of the second part of the phrase I used to promise - "I will, and I ask God to help me." I ask you to ask God to help me too.

Beautiful Katy

I suppose it's not fair that I get to keep my anonymous status and in a past blog I ratted out my brother, and here I'm going to rat out my sister.

My beautiful sis is pictured as one of the performers for the Minnesota Fringe Festival. Go to this link, click on Sunday, August 7th (it mentions the title of Katy's performance "We As Makers" in the description on that day). When the window comes up, rather than paging forward through all the people who aren't my sister, page backwards (the button in the upper left) 4 & 5 times to see Kates.

Where did I store that supply of anti-loneliness potion?

Yup, it's hit. I'm not mopey or feeling sorry for myself, but I am noticing a starkness to my life. I'm feeling lonely. I've got some friends here, and some plans to spend time with said friends later this week, but I am feeling that umph in the gut that craves being known and loved.

I think Sunday afternoons are especially hard, and I need to remember that. Sunday afternoon, after an intense morning, is the time when I want to be with people, but not have to expend much energy. I want to be comfortably in the presence of another. I want to easily pick up and go somewhere for dinner or entertainment without having to figure it all out myself.

I do like to spend time by myself - this afternoon I read the Sunday paper while I watched part of a movie on tv (Evita, which is why I turned it on, for the music. I kept it on because someone had mixed up the reels and the movie was in three parts. The station showed the third part first, then the second part, then the first part. It made me laugh). I read a book in this gorgeous weather. I talked to my mom and my brother. I contemplated shopping for a new bed, but decided I'd much rather stay on my deck reading that book, and I made dinner. Not a bad afternoon...but I do miss the comfortable familiar.

I know this will just take time. I am in the process of making friends with whom I will be comfortable, and I know that I will frequently get to see some other already close friends who are close by (as I did on Friday and had a fabulous time). But, this is where I am now, and it's hard.

F.R.s

A former roommate once lamented the fact that she really did not have any good nicknames that people used for her. I understand that lament. Nicknames denote a closeness, and have a story behind them.

Another former roommate and I share a semi-secret nickname that still stops me in my tracks when I hear it, in a good stop-in-my-tracks sort of way. It's an endearment, or at least it is said that way, and the word still surprises me and that it is used in context with me.

It surprises me so much sometimes that I am not sure how to respond - I just let the name wash over me and feel special.

Bumps in the Road - Hazards? or Speed Humps?

"I'm doing alright, but if you'd asked me last week it would have been a different answer. Let's just say I had a few bumps."

So I said this afternoon to a fellow fabulous female frocked one (hee!). And, yeah, I did have a few bumps last week. They didn't end the honeymoon, but they were not the highlight of it either. But these bumps meant that I was challenged - I had to think like a pastor, not just react. I had to take myself out of it in some ways, because it wasn't about me - it was about me being my role.

These bumps never threatened to derail me or cause me to bottom out completely, but they did 'cause me to slow down a bit. It is a long, and somewhat winding journey ahead - I can't see how far this goes or what we'll come upon before we reach the end. Right now I'm not even sure when the next curve is...but I think we just came around one. And the bumps are just part of the journey. However, maybe I should look into better shocks.

What's wrong with me? I'm not lonely!

As I was sitting on my back porch, watching downtown Milwaukee's fireworks tonight I realized something: I'm not lonely. True, I've only been here for, ah, let's see - two weeks as of tomorrow. True, I do interact with people regularly at work. True, I greatly miss friends and family. True, I do have a friend or two here. BUT - I'm not lonely...and I am amazed.

I know there will be times that I will be lonely - if there were lonely times when I was in Chicago surrounded by many, many friends there will be times that I will be lonely here. I've always had times of loneliness even when surrounded by many close friends. But, amazingly enough, this is not one of them (either the loneliness or the being surrounded by close friends).

I am enjoying a bit of this isolation. I am enjoying the time to myself. I'm reading - fiction, non-fiction. I'm working...I don't think more than I should, but sometimes it's been hard to stop because I've been having so much fun. I'm exercising. I'm socializing a small bit.

I'm in awe of this feeling. Maybe it's different than the year I spent in Texas because I know that within 2 hours are a number of friends who have known me for some time. Maybe it's different because there are at least three times in the next two months where I know I will be spending time with friends or family who know me well...and that's all that I really require. Maybe it's different because I just moved here and the loneliness hasn't set in.

Regardless of why - I am grateful for this time to not be lonely. I just with I could bottle it up and save it for the inevitable times of loneliness in the future. (And to market it to others.)

She's Baa-aack

I've been a reticent poster lately, not because of desire but because of access to private internet. But now, I've got it. I just successfully set myself up (with the help of a lovely CD-Rom) with internet access in my home.

I am feeling very protective of my privacy right now which is a bit silly. I assume that most, if not all, of you reading this knows who I am...and probably knows more about me than I share in these pages. Yet, I treasure being known as Amused. I like having a code name and very little actual fact. I enjoy figuring out ways to say a specific detail in such a way that it remains somewhat ambiguous.

I'm not all that intriguing of a person - but I like the option to be. On a flight from Providence, RI with a friend I recounted that when I was flying to and fro a bit more frequently (and by myself) I would pretend that I was terrified of flying. I stopped pretending because I started to convince myself that I was and I just didn't need a phobia that I didn't have to begin with. Anyway, I would sit in my sit and steal myself for the take off and the landing, glancing around to see if anyone was paying attention to my fear.

It's a bit of pretending to be someone I'm not...which perhaps has been good practice as I begin a career by pretending to be someone I want to be. I'm hoping that the same instinct that began to really feel fear as I pretended, will kick in and I'll really feel confident and like a leader.

'Til then, I'll just keep my secret, Amusing identity wrapped around my shoulders.

Calgon, take me away...

It's hot and muggy and I am supposed to be packing to move as well as packing for the trip I leave on tomorrow at 7:30 am. But, I'm restless. I have had so much to do and so many details to try to pay attention to - and at the present moment I'm just not organized to handle it. I keep thinking that if I can just get the next thing done I will be a bit saner. But I haven't come across that magic accomplishment that leads to sanity. I crossed off all but one thing on my extensive list for today - but I still have a number of things I'd like to accomplish yet tonight.

As in most cases, it will be better once I leave my door tomorrow at 7:30 and can't turn back. Once I am not able to pay attention to it for a short time and once I'm able to sit down on the plane and look forward to some relaxation, a movie, a book, planning a sermon (yes, even that feels relaxing at this point), sitting at the beach, hanging out with a dear friend, attending another dear friend's ordination and then flying back with yet another dear friend. What a whole heck of a lot (much of it relaxing) to look forward to! And, I know that I will be saner once I walk through my door.

Just as, I know I will feel saner once I've gotten into my new apartment (even if I don't have it all put together yet) and once I gotten to my parents' home before my ordination and I even believe that I will feel saner than I do now when I am beginning as Pastor Amused...because there is freshness, excitement, possibility and comfort in each of these things. And it is time to leave the old - and that is why I feel restless and want to run away. Not away from the old, but away from the leaving.

Called

I have been called to a congregation!
Informed on Sunday, continues to slowly slip its way into my conscious.
Ordination date set for June 18th in my home congregation.
I'm going to be a pastor - really? geez! yes! how?!?!?
UFF!

Hooting and Hollering

I'm in the middle of my final paper for my graduate school career. Other than one class period today in which I have very little responsibility, it is the last thing that I have to accomplish before I graduate. Yeah, I'd like to get my apartment a bit cleaner, and yeah, I plan to celebrate with banquets and parties, but it is the absolute last weight of academia left. One little page, single spaced (two pages double), with plenty to say. It is now just a matter of saying it so it makes sense.

I was standing on the corner this morning in the rain talking to a friend. We were having an all too serious conversation for 7:15 in the morning the Thursday before we graduate. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a second-year student (Middlers we like to call them) come out of his apartment and plod his way down the street until he saw us on the corner. At this point he ran towards us yelling "SENIORS RULE!" I felt like I was in high school, and I loved it!

Here at seminary we have things like special sending worship services and receptions to honor graduates - we stay pretty quiet about it, with little hooting and hollering (although we have a large group of us going to a dueling piano bar Friday night called "Howl at the Moon", maybe some hollering will happen there). So, to have someone who is not a senior excited for us - hooting and hollering - made my day.

Maybe we don't hoot and holler because we are reserved Lutherans. Maybe we don't because we worry that those who are not graduating will feel dejected (I could have used a softer word, but that's no fun!). Maybe some people think it is just not dignified and refined to hoot and holler(why do we have to be dignified and refined all the time anyway?). Maybe we don't because it takes energy to hoot and holler and we are scrambling to conserve our energy for the time when family arrives and when we will sit through a 3 hour worship service during which we graduate. Maybe I just have a powerful urge to hoot and holler because I am reaching for ways in which to procrastinate these last few paragraphs of academia.

So, in an effort to remain dignified, not subject anyone to dejection and conserve my energy I am refraining from hooting and hollering for the moment....at least until this paper is completed.

Marking Accomplishments

The day I graduated from college I plucked my first facial hair. Up until that point I had not noticed the sole, long dark hair protruding from my chin. It, and it's younger brothers and sisters, now encounter a tweezers regularly. Plucking hair has become one of my routines.

Yesterday, 10 days before I graduate from seminary, I found my first gray hair. Both of my parents didn't truly start turning gray until their early 50s. They've had a little bit of gray since I became a teenager, but even now at 57 their gray to brown/black hair is probably 1:1. This is all to say, I thought I had a long time before gray arrived. But now, this one little hair that isn't even very long has arrived.

As I left the restroom at school where I discovered it, I started envisioning myself with a full head of gray hair. There is something regal about a silver head. I know it won't happen for a while, but in some ways, I look forward to having the mark of maturity and good life that comes from a healthy head of silver hair - a bit like I want to have those nice smile lines around my eyes.

I'm not planning on more schooling anytime soon. Which is good - I can't imagine what I'd find by the time I graduated then...

Delightful Dan

People who have worked with me in the past have known that I tend to speak of my younger siblings quite often. I think that they are each quite amazing in their own way. I've got a dancing 2-year-younger sister and a brother, 6 years my junior.

My baby brother (from this previous post) will graduate from college in about a month with a BA in psychology and minoring in Philosophy and Religion. He has been accepted into Lutheran Volunteer Corps and will begin a year of service next August. Last Tuesday he called to let me know that he will be going to Oakland, CA and will be working at a place called Thunder Road, a place that works with adolescents overcoming alcohol, drug and nicotine addiction. I am so excited for my little bro' (Dan, thus this post's title) and look forward to hearing his experiences and seeing how he is impacted by this amazing work.

Seeking Metaphor

I'm in the middle of my denomination's call process - a call to ordination to be a pastor. I have had an interview and conversations are continuing. I am struggling to figure out how to go about an intentional process of discernment and have many ideas, but just don't know where to start.

As I flop about on the shore of the unknown I keep trying to make metaphors describe my situation. "The call process is like the beginning of a solitaire game, sometimes the games that seem as if you have no chance of winning are the ones that just seem to work out." "The call process is like the internet, sometimes speedy, sometimes slow - often bringing you to sites you never thought you'd chance upon."

These metaphors pop up in other places too - like when my dad mentioned that he looks forward to seeing white smoke over Milwaukee.

I am seeking metaphors - things that give insight and show truth, yet allow you to keep some perspective and distance. Maybe that is what I need to start to discern.

The Real, Jumbled, Acceptable ME

There are some days where my mind feels crystal clear and I'm sharp and feel as if I can respond well to any given situation. Then there are the days that I marvel that I make any sense whatsoever(like today). I think it often has to do with the place I am in my R.E.M. sleep cycle when I wake up.

Recently I've had a few occasions in which I said something really off-the-wall, out of the ordinary, funny, even, during these foggy days. Somehow though, I've been able to shrug off these incidents without feeling embarrassed or even like I need to explain myself to others.

This indicates to me that sometime in the last year I've become more confident in who I am. Humorously it means I don't feel like I always need to make sense, because I don't always make sense. I don't need to solve everything, because I am after all human - and no human can solve everything. I don't need to have all the answers or jump in every time I think I have an answer. And, when I do jump in with an answer and it isn't completely expressed well, it doesn't mean that my point isn't valid - just that only people who are really good at interpreting jumble can get anything out of it - that is okay. (Hmmm, is this beginning to be like the jumble - ah well).

Because of this extra confidence, I am being more me. And, it makes me feel like I am ready to do this ministry thing - because I'm aware of the whole me and how that works in ministry. I am aware of what I need for myself and what is needed for me to provide in my various roles.

I like this...I like liking me...I like feeling comfortable with who I present to the world and who I am that is private...I like this realness and knowing that it's not because of anything I've done that I'm acceptable. I think, after 28 years of life in the church, after 4 years of undergraduate work at a "church" school, after 4 years of seminary - I am finally realizing grace for myself.

Well, I'll be *fill in the blank*

On the Chicago UPN station at 7 am on weekdays a miraculous thing happens. If one turns to that station a time machine pops up in the living room and those late twentysomethings and early thirtysomethings are transported back to their childhoods...to a time when Strawberry Shortcake was manufactured on every possible item and the Smurfs were on tv.

That's right, the Smurfs are on tv! On network tv, not cable! And I watched them this morning as I remembered sprawling in front of the tv with my dad (a closeted Smurf fan) as he supposedly read the paper and I took in the adventures of the little blue beings.

My 6 year old brain never caught the strange ways the Smurfs use language and now that I'm paying attention I think we should adopt the Smurf ways. In this particular 15 minute episode (because the Smurfly creators can of course compose an entire story arc with suspense and moral to fit into 15 minutes) Smurf phrases kept catching my attention. My favorite was "Well, I'll be Smurfed" but then there also was, "That wasn't very Smurfly." The word Smurf is more than a noun, but a verb and an adverb as well - I bet we could figure out the adjective if we tried.

I'm not suggesting that we should adopt the word "Smurf" and its variations, but perhaps another word that better describes us. "Well, I'll be peopled!" might work, but I don't think "That wasn't very peopley" sounds very good. The word human in the same context would sound funny as well. Maybe if we considered the Smurfs as a separate nationality rather than species and so we would say "Well, I'll be Germaned (or Irished, Brazilianed, Japaned)" and "That wasn't very USly (or Russianly, Tanzanianly, Indianly)." We would have to be careful to speak only of our own heritage here. I'm not sure this is the answer.

This started out as humorous musings, but as I think about the different ways that we identify ourselves I realize that certain religious terms would fit quite well into the scheme. But, I don't want to put those in. What phrase can we come up with to use as an exclamation or expletive? What can possibly as cool as "Smurf"?