And More Changes

A baby is coming! A baby is coming!

At 17 weeks, I'm still in the middle stage of seeing obvious changes (a rounder middle), but not yet feeling any movement from inside, and so sometimes actually wondering if I am really expecting.

(However, I didn't have much of that wondering during the first trimester - I was too busy feeling sick to wonder too much.)

Pablo and I are starting to look into what needs to be done and what needs to be purchased and it feels very similar to preparing for our wedding. We'd like things to be nice and functional, and there are some things we will want to do in spite of the economics of it (like the nicer chairs at the wedding - so not necessary, but in the end I'm really glad we sprang for the extra perk).

Yet, similar to the racket that the wedding industry can be (not every vendor is part of it, I know), it seems preparing for and birthing a baby has a similar racket. Do we really need all of the medical tests offered (we said no to most...but not all)? I assume the special dinner offered new moms and dads at the hospital (surf 'n turf and a bottle of champagne) is actually billed to our insurance in some way - is that really necessary? 

We've been told just say no to the wipe warmer, and the diaper genie expenses continue past just getting the device (special bags needed, I guess). I do want an ultra safe car seat, but that doesn't necessarily mean the most expensive. (I am feeling like that should be new, however, not used).

We are going to be looking for a lot of second-hand items. A neighbor's 3rd child is just 1 year old and she's going to be participating in our neighborhood garage sale, so I think we'll wander over there at some point. We plan to check out second hand stores and have gladly accepted donations of used books and maternity clothing for the time being.

These changes are both immediate and a long way off. It's fun to think about, and a little daunting because of how much has to change. 

Making Changes

At this very moment, my husband is being a better advocate for my faith practice than I am.

Looking at the calendar, I realized that the annual meeting for our housing association is schedule on the first Wednesday in Lent. I have been looking forward to this - probably only the 2nd opportunity for me to meet others in our area in some kind of structured setting since I moved here 8 months ago.

I've been looking forward to putting names to faces and figuring out what the association does.

Then, I saw that it was at the same time of another thing I've been eagerly anticipating - worshiping at Lenten services.  So, P has now sent an e-mail to the association (an e-mail everyone will see) noting that the meeting is scheduled on a Wednesday evening in Lent and wondering if we can switch the meeting to a Thursday.

I hemmed and hawed as he wrote the e-mail (which is now sent). Is it okay to note that and ask that?

Part of me is nervous because I worry that people will read this as an attempt to press my religion onto others. Part of me is nervous because I wonder if they don't change it, I'll really have to decide and my decision might mean something to someone other than me. Part of me is nervous because it's not my style to make requests that might put out other people.

Another learning, I suppose.

Not so busy

"If you want to get something done, ask a busy person."

I have found this to be true. And, until recently I have been that kind of busy person. But now, I'm not.

This is the first time in my adult life that I am home most evenings. I'm reading. I'm following tv shows (although, Netflix tv often trumps network television). I'm cooking dinner 2-4 nights a week - like really cooking, not just warming things up. As I've mentioned before, I'm taking classes - well, now only one. My Spanish class was cancelled due to low enrollment.

I have enough time to complete all I want to do. Although, I still often don't get everything I'd like to done. There is not much urgency or importance. If I don't walk in the morning, there is always theoretical time in the evening...or the next morning. I am no longer feeling overwhelmed, or overextended, or exhausted, and I like that.

And, I am having a lot of BIG thoughts - about life, about faith, about what I would like to do. But, with no real outlet for them, they start to get lost.

I'm feeling a restlessness - and, at the same time, a selfishness with my time. I'm not so sure I want to commit to much, because I am enjoying this time of not extending myself too much. I'm enjoying being able to do all that I mentioned before. And, I hope to do more of those things that I've had on my list for ages (actually taking Spanish classes, guitar lessons, volunteering with something other than church, perhaps a cooking class or two).

I guess it comes down to decisions, and being willing to put myself out there - whether it's for things that are selfishly for me or for others (which, really, that's for me too). And, it's a question of balance - of how to say yes, but not too much.

A New Energy

Today I have a new energy.
I'm ready to think about a work future and be creative and inventive about how to go about living in an unorthodox  - and perhaps an unofficial - call.

Having five months off has helped. I've gotten to become resettled in who I am and my own faith. I've gotten to make some big life changes: marriage, a move. I've gotten to rest.

Getting to preach and preside yesterday certainly helped. I felt rejuvenated in a desire to study, to question, to explore and to put together a message. I felt at home leading liturgy and listening to people.

But, it has been conversations, particularly with two women, that have ultimately encouraged me. One, a bishop's associate in this area, who pushed me to think about how I can be involved and invited me to consider an opportunity - promising there would be others when I decided I wasn't ready to drive over an hour to and from work. The other, my friend who can say the words, "I worry that you aren't allowing yourself to use some very important gifts."

So, here is my plan:
1) Read theologically for ½ an hour a day.
2) Set up a meeting with the bishop in this area.
3) Talk with one of my pastors, the one who is the dean of the conference, and ask for some insight in who I should make a special effort to connect with and indicate my interest in supply preaching.
4) Connect with those pastors.
5) Have coffee (again) with the woman in my area who has pulled this thing off. This time, ask for specifics.
6) Continue to apply for other jobs - hoping that I can also gain something in work outside of the church world.
7) Pray. Pray. Pray.

Applying in Boxes

Yes, I am enjoying not being a pastor for the moment. And, yes, I am really enjoying having more time and getting to putter about a lot. But - oh boy, is it difficult to look for work when you don't really know what you want!

Today was especially trying since to apply for one of the positions on my list I had to procure a college transcript (with it's own hoops and tape) and then, after a couple hours working on applying, discovered that because I didn't have three years experience with data entry I wasn't qualified.

I know that I want to make some kind of difference outside of my home. I know that I want to work primarily within the Monday-Friday work-day perimeters. I know that I have certain skills, but it's hard to translate my experiences into online job applications.

I am fortunate that there is no desperation to my search. It's a bit of a blow, however, to realize that if there was I might not be able to take care of myself.

In this too I am gaining what I have wanted to gain, though - an understanding of how this world works outside of the bubbles I've been inside. 

De-pastoring

It's been four months since I have been a parish pastor. If I would have taken a sabbatical (after 8 years of ministry, I am considering this time a bit of one), I would have either been a month back in (the 3-month variety) or be starting to look toward the end (the 6-month variety).

Either way, I don't think I would be ready to go back yet.

I miss some aspects of pastoring: having a regular work-place where I feel competent; the fact that it was my job to study scripture, not just a spiritual discipline; getting to be surprised by how God works through me as I am present in people's difficult life situations.

But, for the most part, I'm really enjoying this time away from that work. I wonder if that will change if I do actually find work in a different field.



Perhaps the best part for me has been the opportunity to worship again. And, the opportunity to explore scripture and faith because I want to, not because it's my job. I've been surprised at how wonderful it has been to arrive to church on Sunday mornings without a preconceived notion of what the sermon should be about because of the assigned texts. I've loved getting to really sink into the worship & listen without having to think about what is going to happen next. I've been fed by being surprised by a choral anthem or a baptism or other parts of worship where I am not needing to be mindful of the details.

There are a few things at the congregation I am attending that are not "my style" - communion is every other week (plus festival celebrations) and there is a regularly scheduled praise band...which was good (well-rehearsed, music that the congregation could sing with, good theology) the first time I heard them, but since has been less than inspirational.

And yet, I am finding grace in these things too. Amazingly, without too much work, I'm finding the grace of not having everything the way I want it to be.

And, I'm finding my place. I'm getting to be involved at church without being in charge. I'm getting to explore and dream about other ways I might want to be involved in the community (Community radio? Maybe. Actually signing up for NoNaWriMo. Even if I don't write a word, the dreaming has begun. A regular Tuesday night! exercise class. Spanish lessons - it's like I have other interests than work.).

I haven't figured this out yet, but my love of/for God feels deeper, stronger and less work. Maybe it's because I'm at the beginning of a new chapter - maybe it's because I have more time. But, I'm thankful for this feeling of deepening - of the fires of my faith being stoked. And, I'm a little sad that it has taken stepping away, in a sense.

I really do hope that I find something soon through which I can earn money, make a difference in the world somehow, and get out of the house. But, I am content with finding the ways of serving God and the world outside of paid parish ministry for now. As I looked toward this time in between, I wasn't sure if that would be the case.

Married!

We are married!

It's hard to believe all that was crammed into the last 5 days. Family arriving, golfing, rehearsing, fun time getting ready - hot, hot, hot pictures - the ceremony:

...and the reception:

And, today, P is back to work & I am back to.....well, cleaning up and looking for work. 

There were a few moments for nerves - the understandable walking down the aisle. I think we both got a little wobbly during the vows (and actually, the family blessing almost started my waterworks at the very beginning). We just beat a storm while taking pictures and I was a bit worried that others would be worried about us. But, those are the emotions and the stories that go with big, life-changing events.

We both had a blast, felt loved and supported, wished we could have had more time to talk with so many loved ones who came to support us, and we think others had a great time too.

Most importantly, we are united in love and marriage - blessed by God and loved ones.

I may have to write another post about the amazing people who helped to put this all together, but, for now I'm reveling in the emotions.

Blessings

I just received a card from a former parishioner that is loaded with emotion. Loaded because her husband entered hospice care the weekend that I left that congregation. He died about a month later.

The card was a wedding card, and the note enclosed was such a blessing. Her well wishes for a happy marriage. Her thankfulness for my time with them - both casual visits, and when they received bad news. That she misses me (as I do her),

When her husband was going through treatment they couldn't get out much due to the fear that he would catch something. So when I would visit, we would spend a long time visiting. She missed interaction - and she very much enjoyed hearing about the wedding plans. And, I enjoyed hearing about their lives - particularly their life together.

It is now 2 days before the wedding (2 days!) and things are pretty much under control. I have a few odds and ends I want to accomplish this afternoon, but nothing that would be terribly missed if I failed to do it.

My parents are on their way - my siblings will be flying in this evening - and P is finishing up his last day of work.

I'm nervous about a few things: what if I get really uncomfortable in the dress? What if I'm not feeling well that day? The dance.....we haven't practiced like we said we would. But, overall, I'm just excited!

And, I'm feeling blessed by the people the surround me near and far. The people who, even as they grieve, take time to write a card of well wishes and fond remembrances. The people who have let me know they are praying. My family and friends who are traveling to be here. P's family who have been welcoming to me and have made sure certain things are covered. And, mostly, that P is excited too! That he is as likely to say "so many days until we're married!" as I am.

As a pastor, I always said to couples "something is going to go wrong, but it'll be okay - the most important thing is that you'll be married." I've experienced groomsmen fainting, people really late, a super hot day in an non-air-conditioned church, a snow storm, family fights (though not in the service), forgotten rings, and other missteps - and that's just in the church portion of the day!

I'm looking forward to a day filled with love and laughter - some missteps - some things that don't go quite the way we expect - and in the end, a celebration that sends us off into a life that will be a blessing to each other and the world - until death parts us.

Happy

I am happy.

The Knot tells me there are 19 days until the wedding. I've moved from being terrified by how small the numbers are getting to being really excited.

There are things yet to do, but I get the luxury of not working right now, so I have no doubt that what needs to get done will get done, and what doesn't get done won't be a big deal.

I am happy.

I've got a great roommate ;-) and it's been really easy to live together. I've spend time today putting books in my new bookshelves. There are plenty more yet to place, but it feels more and more like home.

I am happy.

I'm not working, and I am enjoying that. I know I will need to soon, but I find myself getting back to who I am rather than preoccupied with what I need to do for others. My passions are making themselves known again....and right now that's fun. I'm trying to pay attention to what gets me worked up and how I might be able to channel that energy. It's been in justice related issues, not necessarily related to church.

I am happy.

I am continuing to enjoy my new church. I spent a week helping with the 3-5 years olds in their vacation Bible school. That was great fun, particularly because I wasn't needing to be there all day. And, it was fun to see the kids respond and learn and to get to know some of them. Each time I worship, I am finding moments of unexpected grace - today at soloist that was heartbreakingly good, and incredibly humble. A couple weeks ago, a baptism where I didn't have any of my own judgements coming in (because, yes - the baptisms I'm truly excited for are the ones in which I know that the promises made by parents and sponsors and congregation will be kept...and the ones where they won't be are sometimes painful).

I have learned that for the first time since I started communing, I am part of a congregation that does not commune every week. And, I'm trying to find the grace in that as well.

I am happy.

Today, after getting my church in, Pablo and I took a long bike ride. There happened to be a community festival 1/2 a mile from our turnaround point, so we went the 1/2 mile further and enjoyed a kids' talent competition and an ice cream cone before we headed back. I would not have had the energy for a 15 mile bike ride most Sundays - or other days, frankly.

I am happy. I am reconnecting with myself and what is important to me and what I can do.

Social Security

As I began seminary 12 years ago, I remember Dorothy, the person one talked to for financial aid and such at seminary, advising to maintain residency wherever it may be, if it was at all possible. I thought she was talking about the high cost of license plates/stickers for Chicago residence. I wonder if she was also talking about the rigamarole of becoming a resident of Illinois.

Proof of birth, something that shows your written signature, proof of social security #, 2 items that show proof of residency (bills, bank statements, etc).

I'm working on those proof of residency items, I have what I need for proof of birth and written signature, but I have not had my social security card for ages. 

I'm not actually sure when I misplaced it. But, I'm positive it was before 2001.  It is 2013 and I have not been able to locate my social security card since 2001. And, I haven't needed it. Until now. 

(So, obviously, the requirements of becoming a resident of Wisconsin are a bit less strenuous.)

So, yesterday I went to the Social Security Office with my appropriate papers and identification, waited just under an hour, and was easily helped. I'll have to go back again once my name changes post-wedding, post-honeymoon, but it was relatively painless.

But, I had a good amount of time to watch and observe. I sat among quite a large crowd of people who were there for much more urgent reasons than myself. People who were on disability or needing to prove that there was one more mouth to feed. People who were likely losing money sitting there. People who were (successfully & quietly) wrangling little children in a crowd of unknown people.

I watched at the security officer - who looked rather tough - calmly quieted people as they became agitated at the wait, and then made sure to help the same people as he saw their number was about to be called. He approached the deaf woman and spoke in sign language when her number was called. He communicated with people in English and Spanish. 

I watched adult children helping elderly parents, of all different nationalities. I watched parents of newborns protective and in awe of the babes in their arms. I watched a mother of a few kids watch carefully as her older (about 5 or 6 year old) son needed to use the bathroom - she sent him there, calling out to be sure he locked himself in. 

I was reminded, yet again, of the many hoops poor people have to go through to receive aid. I was reminded of the privilege that comes with having a job that is salaried, of having easy access to transportation, of being white. Perhaps there are some people that try to cheat the system...I know there are among the wealthy. But I wish people who believe our country is headed toward socialism (and think it's a bad thing) could talk to the people that were sitting in that room and hear why they were there.

Moving Slowly

Since my condo was put on the market four months ago, I have been slowly moving things to P's home. But tomorrow is the big move. Due to the number of times that we've gone back and forth to each other's homes, there isn't too much left - mostly just the big stuff. And, we've got some wonderful friends who are going to help us at each end.

I'm practicing calling P's home, "our home" - but it sometimes comes out "the house." P is working on clearing out things/making space and I'm working on integrating my things into what is already here. It helps that there have been many spaces that have remained empty - or barely filled.

However, in some spaces we're going to have to pull everything out and start over - especially in the kitchen once we also incorporate all of our wedding gifts. But, that will have to wait until after the wedding - and we are already dreaming of the garage sale we'll have next year once we've figured out all the things that we're really doubled up on and/or no longer need.

I unpacked my dry goods and spices yesterday and did my best to "marry" items like flour and sugar and find homes for the many spices that we have. We will have to figure out a better organizational system for those, but they all fit in the cabinet - messily so, for the time being.

I recognize that two people coming together with their baggage - literally and figuratively- is work. I know that creating a home will take more than moving all of my stuff in - but the work that goes into managing a home - paying bills, cleaning the crevices, making decisions on decor - will all come with time and make "the house" into "our home."

The End...Until the Sequal

5:45am, Sunday, June 30, 2013.

My last day as a pastor for the unforeseen future.
I'm up, drinking my coffee, knowing I need to get going, thinking about what is to be done today.

I am saying goodbye to a congregation and a call that has been fantastic and challenging - that has made me question what I am supposed to be doing....but any call would have done that - that has fostered me in what has turned out to be a transition time in my life.

I am saying goodbye today to some wonderful people. Some who give so much of themselves to issues of justice. Some who are so passionate about education. Some who are always thinking about the next kind thing they can do. I am going to miss many individuals. It is hard to say goodbye.

But, what I am also saying goodbye to is the identity of pastor - at least for a little while. And, I'm not sure how that is going to be.

I'm looking forward to being able to put my phone on silent for the evening. I'm really excited about becoming a part of a congregation without having to have any answers or to lead anything (for a while at least). I'm feeling a sense of freedom at having evenings and weekends as my own. I'm excited to take a class regularly because I can have a regular evening available. I'm interested to see how I might engage in further community issues with a little more time on my hands.

But, I wonder where and when I'll have theological conversations and opportunities to study the texts with others (whether other clergy or lay). I wonder what it will be like to not say, "The body of Christ, given for you," looking people in the eye every Sunday morning. I worry that I might never find another kind of work that fulfills me in this way (although, I have never tried). I wonder what I will miss the most: preaching, leading worship, getting to hear challenges of people's lives and talk with them about where God is, home communion visits, teaching Confirmation, working with faithful people dedicated to the message of Jesus Christ.

6:00 am, Sunday, June 30th, 2013. It's time for me to get in the shower. The beginning of what feels to be a momentous day in my life.

Overdrive

I've been in a bit of an overdrive. Moving from one big emotional thing to the next. Trying to juggle the emotions, the tasks, the schedule.

Last night, at dinner and later ping pong (yes, ping pong) with friends - two couples who are just getting to know each other through me - I found myself sitting back and taking it in. It wasn't that I was withdrawn, although I wonder if it appeared that way to others. I was sitting in thankfulness - for my friends and that they can have such fun with one another. For their wit, their kindness, their sense of humor and care for me. For my Pablo and his presence by my side. For my city that I am going to miss big time (but get to visit because it really takes the same amount of time as driving into Chicago).

Today, I get to experience A Prairie Home Companion live for the first time. At any other time in my life I would be giddy and preparing by reading up and looking into things about what was going to happen. And, I'm sure that 1/2 an hour before the show starts I'm going to be super excited. But, it's not time for that yet. I've got so many other emotions and events to get through today before that happens.

There will be a relief when all of the leave taking and the moving is finished. A relief because I will then have some time to sort through emotions - to dwell and process in ways other than writing repeated blog posts.

I am so blessed - to have all of these events and experiences happening. To be able to have these connections with dear people and places. To be able to look with anticipation to what is ahead. And maybe, that can be the feeling that encompasses all of the others - blessed. In the joy, in the thankfulness, in the sadness, in the overwhelmedness - I am blessed.

Business Appreciation

I was thinking about my next oil change. At the last one, they put in some kind of wonder-oil that needs to be changed every 9 months or 8,000 miles or so. Or, at least that's what the sticker says. And, after 3 months of driving, I'm only 1,000 miles from needing an oil change - so I've got an appointment set for next Friday.

I won't have hit the 8,000th mile (or the 9th month) by then, but  by the time I do I'll be in IL. And, I like the automotive place I found. I like the people and trust them. I'm sad to be leaving them.

I'm also sad to be leaving my massage therapist. She has a small office space nearby and is amazing. In addition to the fact that I think she and I would be friends if we met a different way, she is incredibly good at her craft - and not expensive.

And my dentists. Now, I ran into a little trouble at one point, because one of my fillings needed to be attended to 3 times, but they took care of it. They are friendly, good at what they do - and willing to share my info - unlike my previous dentist.

And my dermatologist. She is someone who gets right down to business. After my first couple visits I realized that I should just take all of my clothes off and put on the hospital gown because she was going to look anyway and I'd be stuck stripping in front of her - which is even more awkward than just being naked already. I went in with eczema on 75-90% of my body and through treatment with light and some topical medicine I am down to about 2%.

I'm going to also miss my gas station and my bank and my yoga studio/instructor.

It takes a while to settle into a place. It takes a while to find the businesses and people you trust with your car and your body and your teeth and your money.

Looking forward, I know there will be people in these various professions who I will trust with these things, and yet, I am so thankful for these people and entities in my life - all of them in these last 4 years.

By the Numbers

10 days until my last Sunday as a parish pastor (for a while).

16 days until I move all of my things out of my condo.

24 days until my dad has his last Sunday as a parish pastor (forever).

25 days until condo closing (if all goes well with today's inspection).

71 days until P & I are united as husband and wife.

The numbers are not all that important - except they do show the passage of time. It does feel like so much is flying by. Some things I'm just looking forward for them to be done, such as the move & the closing. Other things I can't wait until they get here, like the week with my family at the cabin (post-dad's retirement) and, of course, the wedding.

Life is changing quickly.

Taking Leave

It's almost 9:30 at night, and I have at least an hour of prep to put in, but I'm going to allow myself 10 minutes of writing - to process - to be in this time when it feels like I am moving from one big thing to another.

Last night was my last council meeting. It wasn't until about 1/2 an hour before the meeting that I thought there would be anything more than the simple "thank you" speech from the president on behalf of the council. Instead, our check in time, which is usually used to have everyone note how they have seen or experienced Jesus in the last month, was used to lift up memories or thank yous to me.

Specific sermon illustrations came out. People feeling warmly welcomed - a lack of anxiety - a sense of joy - around me. Creativity in worship and being able to play and try things out with the other staff members and being able to wrangle and organize 30 teenagers and chaperones. Compassion. The skill I have at delegation - and being able to hear criticism and respond to it constructively. The impact on the kids (younger than teenagers) and on the Confirmation program. Having a theological reason for everything I do (well, almost everything).

I felt a little embarrassed. But, I also felt incredibly supported and known.

It was only two days ago that this whole leaving thing really started to sink in. So, the emotions are just starting to hit me.

I've known I should be moving on - I've recognized that I've not been as called to this work in the last couple years - but saying goodbye is still incredibly emotional - perhaps even more so because I don't know when I will get to be Pastor Becker next.

Then, today, as I'm sitting in the Fellowship Hall waiting for the kids to arrive for the third day of Vacation Bible School, 4-year old Tyler - looks at me intently and says - "You're not going to be the pastor here anymore" in his sweet, four-year old voice.

"But....but, maybe when you are a pastor at another church you can think of us on Sunday when you go to church."

I start to respond but he continues,

"And, I will think of you when I come here on Sunday."

Oh. My. Heart.

Four years old with the wisdom of an 80 year old.
I might have startled him with my tears streaming down my face as I asked for a hug. But, he gave me one and we kept talking after that for a little while until it was time to collect myself and talk about Zacchaeus.

My 10 minutes turned into 15. Perhaps there will be more leave-taking stories to follow.

Housing Exchange

I signed a contract with a realtor on February 25th, which meant that my condo went on the market. I hadn't intended to actually get my condo on the market until April 1st - after Easter, but once I decided on which realtor I wanted to use, he had me sign some papers, took some pictures - and it was up.

Yesterday, an accepted offer was made and signed. (!!) There are still some steps - the inspection, the closing. I am going to owe a little, but it will be a manageable amount (likely close to what I would pay if I had to pay my mortgage and condo association fees in August).

It's a big sigh of relief. And, interesting to be in this process from this end.
All in all, really good for me, especially with all of the other balls that I am trying to juggle at this time.

There is, however, some sense of melancholy with this news. A sense of a time of my life ending - an experience where it was only up to me to make decisions and make things happen. I've been craving this end, and yet....

I celebrate these last 8 years of living on my own.
I'm proud that I have handled problems. That I have created 2 different homes. That I reached out when I needed help, and, with a deep breath made decisions when I needed to.

I'm proud of my condo with the lovely bamboo floors, the exploration with paint (mostly successful), and putting in a new dishwasher.

I am so very relieved that the condo is (probably) sold. It is one less big-life event to juggle. I am so excited for what is coming up in life.

But, I feel the nostalgia seeping into this time as well.

No News

My car radio is out.
Sometimes it kicks back in for a second or more after a bumpy section of the road, but for the most part I'm radio-less.

This is both good and bad.
At a time when it seems I'm constantly diverting my attention with some other decision to make, this gives me time in the car just to be (and drive attentively). It means that my mind has time to mull over things, to turn phrases, to pray without other diversions.

However, it also means I have no idea what is going on in the world. I actually hear about 10 minutes of NPR as I get ready in the morning. I sometimes listen to music at work. I get most of my news from the headlines on my e-mail's login page...but I've discovered that I usually only look there if I have already heard of a story.

In this instance, no news is really not good. I like to be informed - to have an idea of tornados that his Oklahoma and Cicada's that take over the East coast. I like to hear the stories NPR produces and the Community Moments that 88.9 Radio Milwaukee creates.

I do have a little radio I can put in my car for the time being. But, maybe I'll go even further back from the radio and start buying the newspaper again. :-) Nah.

Lame Duck

I wish I could say I accomplished something significant today.
I cleared out e-mail that had piled up over a weekend away.
I edited a couple bulletins that didn't need much editing.
I made bulletins and prayers and lesson readings for 2 Sundays.
I cleaned up a bunch of candles.
I washed my alb.
I organized as much as I could for the time being for VBS.
I packed 3 boxes of books.

I'm a lame duck. I have 3 sermons yet to preach. Only 1 bulletin (and lesson sheet and prayer sheet) to prepare - the others are done. I have some visits to make, a week of Vacation Bible School to walk through (with the others who are mainly leading it), and not much else.

And, perhaps because I don't have a lot to do, I find myself fretting about things I can't do anything about. I'm worrying about timing and the sale of my condo and getting a new job. I'm worrying about how to move all of my things and whether or not I'll make friends in my new community.

I'm worrying because it's late at night. I'm worrying because I didn't exercise today and I didn't get much done today. I'm worrying because I don't have much to get done tomorrow. But mostly because it's late at night.

One day at a time. That's all I can do.

A Little Whine

Waiting is haaaard.

In the Meantime

The Knot tells me that P & I have 112 days until we are married. I have 51 days until my last day at my current call. Time is ticking by - sometimes quickly sometimes ooooh sooooo slooooowly. Of the things I can accomplish, they are getting accomplished. P & I are moving right along in our preparations for the celebration of our marriage. 

My condo is on the market. No bites in the 2 months it's been up, but other than continuing to keep it show-ready and analyze market and what I have it listed for - there isn't much I can do.

I've applied for a couple of jobs, but being the church-world, everything takes a long time. 

So, I wait. And, I try to move the things-in-which-I-have-any-ounce-of-control forward. 

In a brilliant move, P & I have schedule a number of fun activities (thinking we needed to make sure we didn't just become event planners). So, we are looking forward to a weekend at a B&B, a Cubs game, seeing Garrison Keillor at Ravinia, Violent Femmes/Avett Brothers/Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes at Summerfest, a Journey concert, and a few other events scattered in. P also has a few races scattered in there.

So, we're not just waiting. We're enjoying the "meantime" fully.

I realize that I have never posted a picture before. Partially, I think, because I started this blog with the hope of some anonymity. But, also because of technology and my reticence to spending time to figure it out. Here is a recent picture from one of our "in the meantime" activities - a Brewers game - with great seats!

 It was an enjoyable game in many ways....Brewers lost, but there were a lot of times they could have tied it up or come ahead - so fans were cheering. And, we got to witness a marriage proposal right below us.

Engagement

On November 18th, 2012, two years and10 months after we met, P asked me to marry him.
We were on our way to a Vegas vacation, and because I had bossily told him I didn't want to get engaged in Vegas, a proposal was not expected. But, he asked me. In his kitchen. The night before we left for Vegas. And I said Yes!

Since we returned from Vegas and up until December 22nd we were in Wedding-prep mode. We have a preacher, a church, a reception facility which includes the caterer, a photographer, and plans for dress shopping. I think we've been quite successful thus far.

But.

The last few days have not been about wedding plans or engagement. They have been about the 4th Sunday in Advent and preaching about Mary and Elizabeth while newborns and pregnant ladies graced every worship service. They have been about an somewhat unexpected death of a parishioner, ministering to her family, and funeral plans. They have been Christmas Eve: preaching, at-church celebrations, and celebrating with P's family. In all of these there has been very little wedding talk.

And. I've liked that.

P and I were able to just have fun with people at a cocktails and carols event and with his family. We weren't planning. We were just Being. Together. I wasn't trying to be this lady planning a big party, but the pastor - who preaches and presides and ministers to.

Because we've gotten some of the big things out of the way, I've been able to sink into Being. I'm sure there will be other times in the next 8 months that I'll be rushing around trying to get things organized. But, I do hope to be engaged in P and family and friends and work and fun - in addition to engagement itself.

Discernment

I thought a certain amount of discernment would be done by now. But, I sit here again, wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Work is fine. Nothing amazing. Nothing horrible. Except, I am feeling less and less called to what I am doing. I wonder about other ways my call to ministry can be lived out - but in my minimal searching in the last year have found nothing that inspires me.

Honestly, I'm going to take a chance and actually post this, even with the revealing questions here, partly because I figure someone else has to be asking them too, at least internally.

Does anyone else feel called to the work, but not the lifestyle? 
I'm a pk. I knew what I was getting into, but since the very beginning of my ministry I have struggled with the expectations of time and schedule. I knew what I was getting into, but I've been resentful of some of the very things I know other pastors take great joy in.

Does anyone else wonder about taking a break to try some other career? 
Only, as a break, with the option to return? (Obviously not to the current parish, but to parish ministry in general...without all the hoops.) I don't even know what I would be good at. I have some ideas of what I'd like to try, but I'm scared to look into any of them. How do I even begin to examine this?

Does anyone else feel the urge to be a valued member of a congregation rather than the leader?
I have some fantasies about that, actually. "Sure, Pastor, I'd love to fill in for your Confirmation class while you are on vacation. Yes, I would like to head up the service project that can be completed in a month. No, I'd rather not sit on the Stewardship Team, thank you." To be able to worship each week. To create church-based relationships that don't have the power differential of me being the pastor or as colleagues to one another.

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is God's call to me - a call that I can't see the entire picture of yet. I have been sitting at this place for a while, hoping for some clarity. Sometimes hoping that it would just go away so I could keep on keeping on. I've prayed - and prayed - and meditated - and prayed. I've talked with my counselor. But, I still sit with the question of what I am to be doing.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't make rash decisions.  And this won't be one either. I continue to pray for some direction, some clarity. And, while patience is not a strength of mine, I'll try to maintain it - and in the meantime, serve God where I am now, to the best of my ability.

But still.....

4+ Weddings and a Funeral

The title is not a movie, but my June. Also, not included at each occasion was a band of hipster-before-their-time British folk.

I sit here the day after my plans stop. I have just been striving to make it to June 26th and haven't looked forward at all. So, today is a day to start looking at what July and August might hold for me.

Three of the weddings were ones in which I officiated. All very different couples from one another. All happily happened. And, I'm glad my role is finished.

One wedding was for dear friends - I had a small, but upfront, role. It was a wonderful weekend to celebrate them. I wish I'd had more time to just settle into that fun. Finally, I joined P in celebrating with friends who were married in South America, but celebrating here.

The funeral - the reason for my post - was my grandmother. Irmgard Anna Elizabeth Knock Becker. So much of my memory of her was as sternish provider. I realized as we celebrated her life that I never doubted that she loved me and I never doubted that I loved her. It wasn't until these later years, however, that we spoke the words.

She was tenacious (which makes me proud to identify with her :-) ), she was faithful, she had strong opinions and shared them. She regularly served others without really talking about it much. And, she is the person who modeled regular exercise.

I have some key memories:

I visited during my first year of seminary (2001-2002). She was ironing and talking about lesbians. Yup. Lesbians. She said to me something like, "I don't understand it. But, I guess I don't need to understand it." I got the sense that she wasn't so sure of my sexual orientation (I'd never really talked about my dating life...partly 'cause I didn't have much of one), and she wanted to know that I'd be loved by her no matter what. I also think that she'd been thinking about it because of conversations happening through her church.

Two memories from being young: 1) Cousins were playing in the basement - with the pool table in particular. One of us decided it'd be a good idea to jam the pool cues into the ceiling tiles and make holes. I remember doing it a couple times. It was pretty satisfying - sort of like popping bubble wrap. She came down those stairs livid. I don't remember what she said or how she said it, but I remember going from a feeling of "hey, this is fun!" to "oh, Grandma's mad. This must have been bad."

2) She and Grandpa were in a car accident and her seatbelt, while saving her, also bruised her pretty badly. I remember being instructed not to make her laugh and being somewhat amazed at the fragility of my Grandma at that time. She had never seemed fragile before to me. I also remember that she would laugh and then wince.

Due to the nature of my job, I'm not able to get to the family Christmas gathering when all the cousins are there. So, I've made it a point to go and visit Grandma at another time. I started to appreciate these - usually Jan or Feb - visits a lot. One of the visits happened to be right after she got home from knee replacement surgery - and it was the first time that I really felt like I was allowed to help her out. It was an honor to get to - to help her with her physical therapy. To help get meals together. To chat with her throughout the day.

I got to see Grandma alive one last time - the day it was decided to not put the feeding tube back in. She'd gone into the hospital due to pneumonia and the day her discharge was being organized she had a major stroke. As I sat with her, as I saw her interact with people in her diminished capacity, I realized a sweetness that I've recognized at other times. But, I got to really think about that sweetness. It undergirded everything - even her opinions - even her tenacity - especially her faith and her care for her family.

Our phone conversations in the last few years were about the same things - the weather, her health, my busyness, my dad's church, the great-grandchildren - and her voice always held a sense of joy to it. It's that quiet, yet strong joy that I imagine her still holding on to as she is welcomed into the life everlasting.

Proof texting life.

I have recognized a trait in me recently that I don't like. Sometimes, when I'm talking through things with someone - trying to see a bigger picture - or find an explanation - I end up making a supposition boldly. Then, I try to explain it...pretty much proof texting life.

Maybe it's why someone has behaved a certain way. Maybe it's an explanation for why people relate to one another a certain way. Maybe it's naming a dynamic bigger than 2 people. Essentially, I make things up. Not in a mean way, but to try to understand it myself.

The problem isn't in the wondering, it's that I don't communicate (to myself or others) that what I'm doing is wondering, instead, I come off as declaring.

I've got this image that what I'm doing is creating a ball of explanation that I spit out with the intention of exploring it - maybe removing the parts that don't work - massaging it to be what might be right. But, instead of working with it, I set it down right away - look at it and say, "This is what it is." Then, try to attempt to make that make sense.

Perhaps this image isn't helpful to anyone but me (but really, who is this blog for?).

It seems to me that I'm getting more assertive and more declarative as I get older. I'd rather maintain my sense of wondering about - of exploring - of searching for what is truth rather than just declaring it (especially since so often lately I've been way off).

Deep down, this comes from a desire to be wise. And, I've been told I'm wise. While I know wisdom isn't in declaring that I know something, it's tempting because when I do hit the nail on the head, people recognize the wisdom.

This is a confession of sorts - with a hope that by confessing, I'll better recognize this before I say something. By confessing, I'll be able to change this piece that bothers me.

This Is For You

Tears welled up yesterday as I handed out bread to people who are slowly - oh. so. slowly - becoming mine.

It's one of the difficulties of transitioning to and associate position - there is another pastor who has been there for over 20 years. He is The Pastor. Certainly not an ego thing on his part, or something he strives to be over and above me. Never would I suggest that - or even think that about him. But, it is the reality.

Additionally, this congregation is much bigger. It takes longer to learn the stories of so many. It takes longer to have pastorly experiences with so many - not to mention so many who are upper middle class (to even whatever is wealthier than that). That fact sometimes exhibits the personality of not quickly sharing difficulty and heart ache.

And so - I was surprised yesterday as I started welling up while I handed out the bread. I was surprised by the importance I saw this gift taking in people's lives. I was surprised to recognize a love for them.

I also was surprised by the wonder I felt. It hasn't been the most spiritually connected transition. I haven't been at the edge of my rope very often - which is most regularly where I am immersed (necessarily) in the wonder of God.

I've been struck by the meal anew. I've been struck by the earthiness of it - the commonality of the elements - the work of creation that goes into it. I've been struck by the gift and they way in which that gift was and is given.

I really feel lucky. Not everyone gets to week after week hand out the body of Christ.

The Examined-(with no clarity)- Life

All in all, life is pretty good.

But, I'm not living a very forward-looking life.

I've so often had a plan. Every single time I've had a plan it's not gone quite as I expected....so rather than a train track with no option of meandering, I've been on what could be more easily likened to a deer path in the woods.

But, I'm currently in a place of unknown. I don't know what I want to work towards making happen. I'm feeling unsure of what I imagine for myself in a year, in 3 years, in 10 years.

I guess it's a one-day/week/month/year-at-a-time approach for the time being. With discernment being something I regularly attempt.

Path-o-logic

In the past months I have had more than the normal amount of time spent alone steering a moving vehicle. Between the driving to work and to and fro the Chicago-land area, and riding my bike, I have found myself with a lot of time to think about paths.

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Part 1.

Sometimes, when driving through construction late at night, I get the feeling that I'm a vehicle in a video game. The reflectors along the barriers and on the road in front of me create an unreal feeling to what I'm doing. I make myself realize that I'm not in a video game, that if I were to crash my car it would be very real. (I still have moments of dread and fear when I remember the accident I was in last December.) But, the driving offers a sense of detachment.

I've appreciated that time of detachment when it's meant that I'm coming home from work. I've really not appreciated it when it means I'm leaving people I'd rather spend more time with. The amount of driving certainly lends itself to compartmentalizing, only my compartments are far, far apart from one another. When I lived 1/2 a mile from work, it was necessary to work at separating work and play. Now it is already separate. I write this mostly to note it. I don't have a judgement of it - or rather, I have many judgements, but they seem to balance themselves out.

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Part 2.

When I'm on the bike path behind my house, I sometimes look ahead of me and think, "oh my, it looks like it's uphill for a little ways."

I pedal.

I make it just fine.

When I turn around, I feel no real effect of a downhill.

Sometimes, it is to difficult to judge what the path is like when I'm looking ahead into the horizon. It might seem to be uphill, but perhaps it's not. Or, perhaps, it is slightly, but not in a way that I can't make it.

When I look too far out, my judgement of what is to come is blurred - seeming more difficult than it actually is.

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Part 3.

Also on my bike.

I only notice the wind when I am having to fight against it. I have to consciously think about the fact that the wind is propelling me when it is at my back. Hello faith/life-metaphor.

Second in Command

My heart is aching for a woman and her family in my congregation who have, within the last few hours, heard the devastating news that her 20-something son died this morning in a crash.

This morning, I announced three funeral services in the next two days. It seems like a lot, especially because two of the three were relatively young. And now, this one. The young man had joined our church last March.

I keep searching for news because I want more information about what happened. Not that more information would really help.

It's this strange thing where I'm the pastor of many of these people or their families, but not the pastor people expect to see or hear from in an emergency. I will call and offer condolences, but the one who is "on" in the moment of urgency is my colleague who has baptized, married and buried someone from most families.

I recognize that in this is my desire to do - something - anything - to help. That really, presence and promise, time and tears, hope and listening are what I will offer...but not as the first on the scene.

Putt Putt

I like puttering. When I have things I want to accomplish, but the deadline isn't urgent. When I can just slowly do one thing and then another and see some results, small results, but results all the same.

I got up early this morning to putter. Laundry, dishes, putting things away. But, I'm also going to blog and read a little bit.

Actually, part of puttering is that I don't always follow what I say I'm going to do. But, I'm usually doing something productive - like calling with an insurance question, like I just did in the middle of writing the blog.

Sometimes there is a thrill to high pressure - sometimes I can get much more done in that time, but I really prefer puttering.

Lists are helpful, but not always followed. Breaks sometimes occur spontaneously when I've thought of something I want to do. I move along slowly.

Putt....putt......putt....putt. What a nice morning.

Nothing to See Here

A while ago I asked for No Drama! And, I seem to have gotten what I asked for.

I'm not complaining - at all, I just don't always have a story to tell anymore.

It's nice, but it does keep me thinking.

Part of this no-drama-ese is caused because I am no longer the one in charge. I no longer have to make a lot of decisions. I no longer solely bear the weight and responsibility for a community. I even don't bear the brunt of this weight and responsibility.

I feel different because of this. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but I don't feel as vibrant or sharp - I don't have to be. At the same time, I physically and emotionally feel more solid, less anxious. Was I beginning to develop unhealthy co-dependant tendencies? I felt more alive when I was working my way through the muck of individuals, institutional and societal problems.

There are certainly parts of me that miss the intensity of what was. There are certainly parts of me that are grateful to no longer be embroiled in that intensity.

This doesn't make for a good story - but, it's currently a chapter in my story.

I do wonder what's being planted...what am I tending...what am I preparing for? We shall see....regardless of what it is, I still wouldn't mind NO DRAMA.

Party Politics

I believe I was in 2nd grade in the fall of 1984, when the presidential race was between Walter Mondale and Ronald Reagan. Each class voted, and I was aghast to learn that not only did the majority of my elementary school lean right - at least when it came down to Mondale vs. Reagan - but so did my best friend. (I do recognize now that MN was the only chance that Mondale carried anyway - and barely, even though it was his home state).

I'm not sure it was with great intent by my parents, but I was certainly taught from an early age that the Democratic party was the one who regularly had candidates that were the "good" candidates. It became a running joke that the candidates to vote for were the ones who were running against the people whose campaigns signs were in my neighbor's yard. I grew to have major assumptions about people who supported Republican candidates. When my senior English teacher somehow made it be known that she was Republican, I'm pretty sure I responded, "But, teachers are supposed to be Democrats!" At least in my head I responded that way.

College brought me into contact with more people who surprised me with their political leanings...but they were from North Dakota, or small towns. They just hadn't yet learned any better, I decided and judged. And, perhaps I was right in some cases.

But then, following college, I became immersed in liberal - even radically liberal - do-gooder communities. I loved that. That was home. But, it continued to verify to me that Democrats = good, Republicans = bad, or at least misguided.

Now I find myself living and working in the most Republican county in the state. It means some of my neighbors and congregation members have as many strong beliefs and prejudices about those liberal Democrats as I do about Republicans. It's not unusual for me to be on the edge of a conversation at church where people are mocking the existence of global warming, or to receive e-mail forwards from parishioners blasting health care or promoting distrust in Obama. For the most part, these huge statements have either surprised me too much to respond appropriately, or they have not been in contexts where I could easily respond. I'm still figuring that out.

Through the wonders of Facebook, I am sometimes able to tell who associates themselves with which party, and I have regularly been surprised by recognizing people that I thought were of a similar framework as myself associating themselves with the Republican party. I must interject that I have long recognized that I can love people who are Republican - 3 of my 4 grandparents, some other family members, friends, etc. But, these loved ones haven't stopped me from having preconceived notions about those from "the other side."

Last night I got into an incredibly interesting conversation with a couple who I know are Republican. But, it was a conversation not so much about party politics, but about value and hardship and limited resources in inner city schools. I was amazed to hear their point of view was similar to mine. It was one of realism, compassion, a recognition of a broken system, of systemic oppression. I was impressed.

They have no idea I know they are Republican. I'm not sure if they have an idea of where I fall. But, as I sat there in the conversation I realized that I had underestimated them, simply because of a label. I have been underestimating many in my congregation, simply because of an income bracket or a political label. I've recognized intelligence, but not compassion.

This actually makes me more excited to do my ministry. I obviously still hold my beliefs - my prejudices and assumptions - those haven't been broken open by one conversation. However, I am feeling more hopeful about how people will respond to a call to justice - I'm feeling more hopeful for what my work is and my effectiveness. I'm feeling hopeful that my assumptions may not be the end of the story.

(B)Logging

It's time I blog again. I've not had much motivation to blog. I don't have much that I'm needing to process - at least not in writing. Or, I'm getting that writing processing in other ways. But, there are a few reasons for me to blog right now.

1) As with journaling, I think it's important to log the times that are low drama - the times that aren't needing processing - just as much as the high drama - high, need of processing times.

2) I'm enjoying reading the blogs of friends who have continued or recently picked up blogging again.

3) My brother commented that I hadn't blogged recently :) If someone, especially my brother, comments, it gets me thinking about what I might want to say.

4) I'm currently sitting on hold on the phone with a wait time of 20 minutes.

That which should be logged includes both work and play. Work is going well. I'm continuing to grow into this role. I'm starting to be more challenging in sermons and Bible Studies. I'm still feeling like I'm growing into the role more than growing in general, if that makes sense. I always think new roles have a high learning curve of the people and place right at the beginning. While that certainly contains a degree of growth (and that growth - of learning the people and place - is usually what people recognize as growth because they note how things begin to be tailored to their situation more), it's not the kind of growth that I'm ultimately wanting to gain in this role. That growth - of learning about a larger church - about team ministry - about how to not micromanage - is happening, but the other kind of growth needs to happen first - or at least to be the priority - if I'm going to get the most out of the other kind of learning.

But, I'm feeling like I'm given both responsibility and flexibility. I feel respected and accepted. I feel like I fit what I'm supposed to be doing and am doing what I enjoy. I am happy. There is still the challenge of managing time to an appropriate level - but I think I'll always have that pull as long as I continue in this field - or any field that isn't simply a 9 to 5. And when have I ever considered a 9 to 5?

I've always been conscious of the work and home/play balance, but I've had even more of a pull to not over-work this past month because of a relationship with a wonderful man that has been developing. I don't intend to go into great detail in this format about him or our relationship, but I am happy and myself with him.

Finding time with friends is a bit of a challenge, but it has always been - and a bit more so once I moved and switched days off. I'm grateful for friends - both clergy and not - who "get it" when I can't stay out late on a Saturday night. Who I'm able to pick up easily with after not being with them for a month or two - or more.

So, that's my log. Things are going well. I am challenged and accepted - having fun, finding time to go deep with people. I am happy.

Pulling Together

I'm feeling like I'm getting back to normal - like I'm able to focus on others; like I'm getting time to relax and rest; like I'm no longer on the end of my rope.

Part of it is the process of getting settled. I am enjoying these new places - both home and work. Work feels like it can finally settle in because I know that my colleague will be around for a little while and won't becoming bishop. I know that my job is going to be what I expected it to be when I took the call. I know that I'm enjoying myself, and am pretty confident that I will continue to enjoy myself.

Home is settling. I do have some work to do. And, I will have little projects here and there - as time and money allow. I like having those projects. I like that I get to continuously make this a more comfortable place. I maybe should knock on wood w/ this, but for the time being, this is fun.

And, car. It's getting figured out. I did get a citation. I'll pay it and let the points come off my record. I bought a car that I picked up yesterday and while it's not quite the same quality that my Civic was, it's a nice little car that runs well and that has what I need in it.

Finally, I'm pulling together because I've finally gotten to find time to spend with some people who I haven't seen much of, to make some of the phone calls I owe, to make social plans. I am still missing some folks - I miss them a whole lot - but as I pull together - as I settle - that too will come around.

NO MORE DRAMA!

I'm praying for no more drama. I feel like these last 3+ months have been all about the drama. Leaving the old church, starting the new church. Then, house hunting. Condo-buying.

I closed on Friday, the 13th (of November) - then on the 15th I caught some crazy bug that kept me from a Sunday morning in which I was supposed to preach. I was also supposed to start ripping out carpet. I did that the next day - put in floors, painted walls (taking a week off to do so). Then, the next weekend, the day after Thanksgiving, I moved.

That was a week and one day ago. I still have boxes. I'm still settling in. Tomorrow I host my first gathering here (other than the night of my closing): my book club. It won't be all put together, but I hope to have to reasonably so.

But, beyond that, there has been other drama.

Drama #1

The week before my move I received a call from the council president of my former parish telling me the following story:

She had received a phone call that morning from a police officer who had been called to a tavern the night before. Apparently, somebody called the police because they overheard an intoxicated individual talking about how they were hired to kill the pastor of my former parish. Since there had not been a pastor there with any regularity since I had been (they just called someone who will start mid-Dec), they decided I'd better know about it.

I stayed at a friend's house and tried to live life as normal. But, it was hard. I was unnerved. I thought about how people who live with this every day use up so much energy forcing themselves to actually live and not just be afraid. A couple days later I ended up talking with one of the police detectives who and apprehended this gentleman. Someone w/ mental health issues and who was an alcoholic. Someone who would never be hired for this kind of thing. Someone who was trying to prove he was somebody by talking big. Someone who I might have not even known who I was - or anything about me. And, maybe it wasn't even me he meant.

I'm feeling like that is resolved - especially since I've moved since then. But, it took a mighty bit of energy.

Drama #2

My colleague - the one who made accepting a new call in a team position very attractive (a large part of why I took this call was to work with him) - was one of the "identified leaders" to be the bishop for my synod. Yesterday and today were the election. He did quite well, but ultimately is not the called bishop.

But, what this has meant has been a bit of the unknown. I haven't wanted to plan too far ahead, not knowing what was going to be. I haven't wanted to make too many assumptions. The possibility that he would be bishop and not sr. pastor always loomed over any type of planning conversation, even though we mostly didn't talk about it.

So, that drama is resolved. And, now, it feels good to be able to settle in.

Drama #3

The freshest drama. I was in a pretty major car accident today. I am physically okay. I actually don't feel anything. I might tomorrow - I don't know. I had a small headache earlier, but that partly felt like the caffeine withdrawal (that I've been going through b/c I haven't had much coffee lately) more than anything.

I came around a corner too fast. I knew it was too fast, and was slowing down. But, then, I saw a car in the right-hand shoulder. And, I swerved to miss it. The swerve took me too far the other way - I lost control - and attempted to swerve the other way - which drove me right into the other car (a van, actually).

My airbags deployed. My tire and front passenger side are smashed up. I got out - really shaken. An ambulance was right behind me and stopped to make sure I was okay. He called the police, and I did too. So, two cars came, which turned out to be good.

The first started talking to me - and I'm actually not sure how the second knew to drive around and look for someone else. But, he left and I guess came back with someone who was very drunk.

Five minutes earlier, that drunk person had been in the vehicle I hit. He had hit a pole and nursed the car to the place it was. Left the car - got out - and started walking.

I'm haunted by this. And, I may later come back to edit this - but right now I have to write it down. I'm haunted by two things. One, that I did lose control of my car. It was frightening to drive tonight (a rental car, that is). I was the slow-granny-driver in the far right lane driving 1/2 a football field's length away from the car in front of me. I think I'll get more courageous as time goes by - but it's very unnerving right now.

Secondly, I'm haunted that I hit near the driver's side. Had that man not gotten out of the car - had he not gotten out of the way - I'm not sure what would have happened.

I'm tired. It's been a long two days. But, really, it's been a really long month. A lot of good. But, some pretty dramatic bad. Right now, I just want to sleep. Tomorrow, I hope I laugh a lot. Monday, I have many, many details to take care of. Tuesday - I'll get back into the swing of work. At least, that is what I hope. And, I'm needing to look at this as one day at a time. I'm overwhelmed. And grateful that although there have been some harrowing situations, no one has been hurt.

I am safe. I am in a secure home. I am in a secure workplace. I will eventually figure out what needs to be done regarding car things, and I will face the consequences. And, I thank God the consequences are not more than money, time and confession can fix.

Zoiks!

I just need to record this idea somewhere. If I happen to have short hair again - the style it is now - at Halloween, I should really go as Velma from Scooby Doo.

Wrinkle-Free

Well, I'm not wrinkle-free, but apparently the amount of stress I carry in my face, or rather, the lesser amount of stress, is noticeable.

I ran into some former parishioners at a synod event last week and two of them commented that I appeared less stressed and more relaxed. Others have made comments as well.

Now, I did start using a different product on my face about the time I started my new job. That could certainly have something to do with it. But, I do think I'm more relaxed, less stressed in my work life.

I may have bitten off a little more than I can chew in regards to the home improvements I'd like to make on my condo, but that's another story.

I can't say that work is perfect. But, I can say that I am definitely realizing the benefits of not being alone in this work, of being part of a staff. I am more relaxed, and I am enjoying myself every day.

Cleared for Landing

At the time of my last blog post, I was in the process of making the big decision to buy a condo. This condo is fine - it will be lovely once I take off the wood paneling and paint and change the floors. It's a steal in many ways - two bedroom, ground level (and so my own entrance), a block from a park w/ an entrance to a much longer biking/running/xx skiing path. It seems to be a quiet, yet populated community. With a good mixture of people who are older and people in their 20s and 30s.

I'm sooo excited (and nervous!) about this! I'm pumped to get to start putting my own touches on my living space - but that's also unsettling because I'm not sure I'm cut out artistically for that. We'll see. I'm taking advice as I go along. I feel pretty confident in finding color/what not - that I like. It's the special methods of painting I'm not so sure about.

However, as I was considering buying, I found myself worrying about community and place. When I started to consider taking this new call, I was pretty adamant that I didn't want to be too far away from the friend-community I've worked really hard to build. 'Though this call is in the same synod, it is 40 minutes from my current community. Not that it's that far from all of my friends, but that is a bit of a distance from some with whom I spend a great deal of time.

Yet, I also didn't want to be too far away from work.

When I began to consider where I would ideally land, I thought of a particular intersection of highway that felt like it would get me quickly either direction. I ruled it out pretty quickly because of the cost of housing in the area I thought had the most homes. Turns out, my new home is closer to that intersection than any of that housing would have been! And, it was not too costly.

But, then I got to thinking. Will that be my community? If I'm living in between my social life and my work life, will I really live my life? Will I work at all to meet people in that area, my new neighbors? Or, will I be too full of old friend and new work communities to even give it a shot?

Will I begin to learn the legalities of that city? Will I know who the mayor is and what school district and follow referendums? Will I care if I don't really know others who care?

I hope I will. I'm recognizing that I'm now, in some ways, going to be juggling three communities. I suppose that, as has been my pattern so far, I will slowly integrate - slowly become part of - this new community too. I sure hope so - I don't want my community to be fully dependent on my car...

Why I'm Comfortable

Before I get to my real post I'd like to brag: My day off began with coffee and a chocolate croissant.

It's been an incredibly full week, but a good one too. I feel really comfortable in this new call, which makes me wonder about a couple different theories, that I'm not completely sure I want to fully admit or commit to.

First, I honestly do think it is a culture thing. This new church is so much more like the congregation in which I grew up. The people are like people I went to high school and college with - people that I volunteered with - people I connect with more naturally due to common interest, common experience. I get this culture. For better and for worse, I feel at home in this culture - and natural. I think I also bring some experience which will allow me to compassionately and authentically challenge - but it is also less work for me to find myself in the middle of this place.

This of course, makes me mindful of the balance of comfort - and being called out of what is comfortable. I struggle with that - with accepting that it might be okay for me to be in a call where I'm very much similar to everyone else. Where I feel at home pretty much right away. Because I so value diversity, I've sometimes gone away from where it is I'm most comfortable. And, now I find myself in it. So I have the dueling emotions of relief and guilt that I am so comfortable already.

Secondly, the part I really haven't thought too much about - but that does rumble inside my head: I am not in charge. Yes, I have responsibility. Yes, I am still Pastor. But, I'm not carrying the full weight.

I've been a little amazed at how easily I've slipped into the supportive role...of course, I am just starting to learn the congregation - so it may be that I'm less invested...but I also think I'm just naturally a team player - and not necessarily one that needs to be the lead.

So, that does make me wonder about the environments and levels of responsibility to which I'm called, especially as I recognize how much more energy I've had this week (even as I've been exhausted...funny, that). Maybe it's the change up - maybe it's the level of support at my previous call - but, I'm feeling much more at home in this situation where I am not where "the buck stops."

I'm not making grand declarations, nor am I putting myself in a box, but I am noting the incredible change and wondering about my skill set, what I enjoy, and my temperament and what that means for now and for the future.

Since it seems I'm forecasting posts now: The next post will be about community and where I land.

Beginning Again

Today I begin as Associate Pastor at a new church.

Obviously, much has been in the works - interviewing, discerning, deciding, announcing, leaving, resting. But now, I'm jumping in - with excitement - and nervousness.

I have many thoughts about how starting this second call is different than the first one, most markedly, I believe I'm just calmer overall. But, that will have to wait until another time.

Now I have to get a little more coffee and start to get ready.

Primary Wonder - revisited

Today is a day to blog.

I started (bright and early - 7:30am) today by leading devotions at a board meeting and read the poem that is the base of this blog. It was a good way to start the day.

Two lengthy meetings, one text study and one hospital visit later I found myself at home, having already put in a 7-hour day...and wanting a beer and to be done w/ the day.

On my way back to church I dropped off some mail and so passed by the apt complex where some parishioners live - just as they were exiting on their way to church (with a bunch of cans for our recycling that earns money for the church). I gave them a lift...and from that point on thing after thing happened that meant that I got to be helpful, to assist, to be part of the body of Christ, to be pastor in a wide array of situations.

One of the people whom I've been meeting w/ every other week came by on an off week to tell me that he made some connections and has a case worker now, who is providing him with a counselor. He's got two job interviews tomorrow. He wanted to say that he probably wouldn't be back. He looked so much more at peace than he has for the last 6 months. I was happy to send him w/ blessing - and loved his grin as he walked out after the meal.

I got to talk w/ a college-aged parishioner whose family has experienced some trauma recently. I am one of very few who know about it, but she knows I know. After talking with her and offering an ear or support in whatever way, I told her that I was praying for her. I continue to tear up as I remember that she looked me in the eye and said, "That actually helps me a lot."

I helped a woman who had talked with me a year ago when she lost her husband. I remembered her once she talked to me again - but she wasn't the one that needed help. She was bringing someone else who needed help - so I helped her help someone else. We got some information, and then connected him w/ the person who helps out w/ clothing. I got to overhear the following statement said with glee: "We've got some clothes that have been waiting for a man with a 40" waist!" What a great statement!

Our cook burned himself on the stove tonight. I think he was going home to put ice on it, but I caught him before he went and mentioned that I'm sure the Free Clinic would be willing to help him out. I didn't do a lot there, but it was fun to be the connector - to see the director of the clinic leading him and tsking about the burn. And, it was good to know that it was taken care of.

Then, worship - with a gathering of people, 1/3 of which were new. The joyful conversation. The ways in which we got to share, even when people first said they didn't know what to say. The affirming welcome that was offered.

Days pass when I forget the mystery....(but) you O Lord, Creator, hallowed one, hour by hour, sustain it.

Foraging Ahead

Twice today I stayed in the moment, listened to my emotion and my gut, communicated what I needed to communicate. Once was with my evil doctor (the dermatologist). I didn't really get everything I want, but I was able to communicate clearly, and got more than I have at other times. I may not go back to him, but I will try what he prescribed this time. He is really the antithesis of holistic health, and not a great listener either.

The other was a clarifying conversation with someone who I feel I can now say is a friend. I wasn't sure how to approach the conversation, but I knew that I needed it to happen. And so I bumbled, but it was okay. And, I felt better about my friend, about myself and about the whole situation.

The path is being cut, forged through. I'm not done - there will be more situations soon where my emotions and guts need to be consulted, and clarity of words held at the same time. But, I feel good about today.

Cutting the path

I'm feeling like I'm in new territory once again. Territory where I need to trust my gut and my emotions. A path that hasn't exactly been cleared yet, although, there may be a faint path where others have gone before.

What I'm feeling a need for is a compass, something to help me to decide direction - something to clearly guide me. I'm praying. But, I will admit that I'm not so sure that crystal clarity is going to occur.

What's funny is that these themes do keep swirling around each other. It's not one thing, it's many. My task will to be to ask questions and then respond out of what I think and feel. I'm good at that first task but hit or miss on the second.

And, I wonder why I sit here on Saturday, July 4th, working on a sermon, resenting that I couldn't go out of town with friends. I want to escape decision making for a little while. To be airlifted off the path, even if I have to be dropped back again.

For the weekend, I'm camping out here - until that time that I need to start poking around and feeling my way through the forest. The path is always here, and so the tasks are not forgotten.

Feet

Facebook status updates aren't sufficing for "what I'm thinking about." What I'm thinking about (at the moment) isn't pithy or funny. I'm thinking about feet, which, one might say, could be pithy and funny.

My feet were hurting on Friday (and a little bit yesterday) from the amount of walking I'd been doing. Also, because my running shoes are not supporting me like they used to. That's what happens after 4 years of use. (I really need to stop buying other things (ie. new computer) and get new running shoes if I want happy feet again).

Friends were in town on Friday and we walked around the lakefront, in neighborhoods and then went to Summerfest. During our walk we had a difficult time figuring out where we might use "the facilities" and M said that at these times she always thinks about the assertion that our feet are connected to other parts of the body, and the one connected to the bladder is the heel. So as one walks, each time the foot hits the pavement, there is a reminder of the need to find a restroom.

In the last 6 months or so, I have noticed that I've developed the tendency to stretch and rotate my feet. Part of this has something to do with past injuries, part of this has something to do w/ my decrepit running shoes. But, I wonder if part of it, too, is if I'm preparing myself to use my feet differently.

One of my ordination texts was Isaiah 52:7-10:

How beautiful upon the mountains

are the feet of the messenger who announces peace,
who brings good news,
who announces salvation,
who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns.’

I chose it because I had heard a great sermon (given at the Presiding Bishop's installation) that focused on where feet went. I also chose it because I do love my feet. I'm thinking about where my feet are going and in what way I'm walking. Lately, they've been traveling more and more with friends. Lately, at work, they've been switching places with those I had previously been leading - and I am now following. Lately, they've been feeling a little ancy.

I'm thinking about my feet. New shoes, a pedicure, summer time, and where those feet go. It could be a pithy statement, but I don't want it to be.

She's got the I-yi-yi-yi-yi-wants

What do I want?

I don't know a lot of the time. But, it's something I'm needing to be paying attention to, because I so quickly pay attention to what other people want.

What do I want?

I guess I do know some of it - respect from all, love from some.

I want to have deep friendships and meaningful work.

I want to sleep well at night.

I know the big picture wants. But, in the moment?

Me knowing what I want in a particular moment doesn't always happen.

I can solve things, fix things, make things happen, especially for other people.

But ask me what I want, I have a hard time saying.

Right now, I just want to know what I want.

Variations on a theme

It's funny how themes sometimes come together at the right time.

I put off sermonizing for a wedding until the day of...and the day of gave a perfect illustration with which to map out the sermon.

As I had already been preparing to preach this Sunday on a piece of Scripture where Jesus calms the storm in the midst of the sea, Thursday night brought frightening thunder.

Life events lately have somehow had themes as well. Curiosities, possibilities, stability...not just one area of life, but spanning at least a couple.

Right at this very moment, I'm a little nervous about all of the travel I'm wanting to plan - and pay for. I started to get a plane ticket but had to back out (with the grace of a one-time "get out of reservation free" option through Expedia), because I stupidly didn't check my schedule. Then, I started to search for a ticket on Megabus... but took too long and when I attempted to log back in, it wouldn't let me. So, my path forward is going in fits and starts...with some diversions along the way.

That actually describes how I'm feeling about many of my tasks at the moment...even in getting ready for my day. All variations on a theme.

I'd be ready for a theme that rang with the joy of vacation...

Not an absence, just a re-routing.

I have been blogging, just not posting.

There is something in blogging that is safe - I don't see the expressions on your faces as you read; I'm not even exactly sure who is reading, or when y'all will read this.

But, blogging isn't safe at the same time. For the same reasons listed above, but also, because it's not dialogue.

I learn a lot about myself as I write and as I type. It's why I journal (both w/ pen and paper and on a computer...different beauties to each method). And, I learn a lot about myself as I write with the recognition that others are going to read.

But, I also learn a lot when I dialogue.

And, I'm finding that I'm wanting to be private in certain things. Which isn't all that surprising. But, means that I don't really have a lot to say here for all to see.

No Net

Today was Palm Sunday - wait, no it was Passion - or, a bit of both. I'm not sure when and where Palm Sunday and Sunday of the Passion combined, but that's how we do it. Actually, I really like the quick switch - I like that it shows the glaring mirror of how fickle humanity can be.

So, in addition to processing - inside for the first time due to sleet - from the Fellowship Hall to the Sanctuary....in addition to me barking to those people who were already sitting in their pews to get up and walk around in the procession (WALK! if you are physically able!)...in addition to some strange rearranging of worship to help people recognize what we were doing (since they were not in the Fellowship Hall at the beginning to understand) - I decided to preach an impromptu sermon.

I was standing up there, during the reading of Mark 14 & 15, a little miffed that it felt like people were just there for the spectacle, and realized that I wanted people to hear why it's important that we actually be the crowd.

I remember some of what I said, and I'm told it was actually a good sermon. But, there was no net. I just got up there and started talking. It was fun - and nerve wracking - and felt bold, and audacious (I've been using that word a lot lately). But, the Spirit flew - and at least hit some.

PostSecret Sabbatical

For some time I have really enjoyed the blog "Post Secret". It regularly makes me smile, pray, laugh, cringe, cry and identify with others.

In counseling I'm working on paying attention to my emotions - something I have learned very well how to push down. Doing this is a little frightening - mostly because I am having to learn a new balance, especially at work. Things are hitting me differently (or I'm responding to them differently) which then means I have some stronger reactions.

I teared up a week ago while teaching Confirmation - in a good, emotionally charged way. It was depth-of-my-soul stuff that we were talking about, and it hit me. Especially hearing teenagers' reactions, thoughts and questions.

I felt threatened in one aspect of the council retreat yesterday, and on further reflection realized I did so because one of the things the council discussed focusing on is something that I tried to garner support for (including from some of the people at the table)- put a lot of energy into - and that crashed and burned. But, recognizing this emotion, even if it's a little late, allows me to approach this next attempt with history and communicated expectation of involvement by others.

These are just two examples - there are many others, easy and difficult, good and bad, of how my attention to emotion is impacting my day-to-day life.

But, when I just sat down to read PostSecret today, I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was too much. I wonder if some of my attention to it has been that I feel the range of emotions as I read it. And that I needed to feel them.

But now, even though I consider it a marvelous endeavor, I may need to take a break from PostSecret.

Confidential to Belle

I love you and your demonstrativeness!!!

Slow-burner

I've heard romance compared to a fire - slow burning that lasts a while (as long as that which is being burned lasts) or quick burning. (I actually hope for myself that it's a combination of both.)

Friends can be like this too, I do believe. This morning as I wake up I am thankful for one of my steady-eddy friends - one of those slow-burning ones who is never very flashy, never very demonstrative. But she's solid and dear and fun and smart.

The Story

Not just one of my favorite songs from 2007 (Thank you Brandi Carlile).

I had an intense evening. Good ministry that mostly consisted of listening and praying. I felt good about it. I felt like I was once again in a groove. Not fully (worship wasn't the greatest), but enough that I felt inspired by my job.

One of the conversations was with a man who is again thankful that he has been able to work this past week. After quietly handing me some cash for me to "pass on" to someone when they need it, he sat with me as I ate.

We started talking about movies and he said that he sometimes gets the same feeling in movies as he does in church. As I thought about it, I was fascinated. Worship is a retelling of a story - other people's experiences and viewpoints in regards to God - identifying with that story and figuring out how it impacts your life. Which, a good movie does too.

It was an interesting conversation. I think the story of God is more transforming, and is a promise in addition to a story. But, food for thought...