Right Neighborly - or not

I had a run-in tonight. It happened about four hours ago and I'm still a little shaky.

No, it wasn't an accident - although it did involve my car. No, my physical safety wasn't in danger. No, it had nothing to do with work (although I definitely used some conflict resolution skills).

My doorbell rang a little before 7. Tonight was my neighborhood's trick-or-treat night (Halloween is huge here!). I expected that it was some kids. Instead it was a man, his sister and I think his brother-in-law. The brother and sister are sibling of a woman who lives across the street.

When I came home tonight there was very little room on my street to park. Being most recently from Chicago, this was not really a problem for me. As I squeezed my way into a tiny spot I did realize that my bumper was touching the car ahead of me (without very much room behind me). There was plenty of room for the car ahead of me to get out, but the offense I committed came in because my car was touching the man's car. (And let me say, I understand that I was in the wrong in this way and that people are protective of cars and paint jobs).

Well, I stepped outside, confused because I didn't see any kids. The sister aggressively asked if my car was my car and when I affirmed that it was proceeded to yell and swear at me. She kept asking me questions but gave no time for an answer (and then got more riled up when I didn't answer).

My legs were shaking, but I stayed standing. I soon ascertained that there was no way for me to talk to the sister - and when I discovered that the car in fact was the much calmer brother's, I talked with him. He and I left on good terms. I apologized and said that it wasn't all that unusual of a thing to happen where I had recently been, but that I understand that this is a different situation and I will not park so closely again. I apologized again and asked if there was any other way for me to respond.

The thing I don't understand completely, and would love to have someone explain to me, is why this was such an affront to them. I wonder if they thought it was a personal attack? I wonder what else it was that I did that contributed to the hostility from the sister. When I asked if I could do anything else the brother said "I just don't understand." And it felt to me like it was as serious as if someone had killed a kitten for no reason. I need some help understanding myself, it seems.

A half hour later I saw the woman who owns the house across the street outside and so I sucked in all the courage I could and went over and introduced myself, reiterating that I had not intended any offense and that I was sorry that we were just finally meeting because of this to-do. She was very nice and I think she and I are on good terms.

I've not been a very social neighbor. I've introduced myself to neighbors on either side and say hello when I pass someone, but that is not often. I have not gone out of my way here - partly because I'm in the mode of frequent moving around and apartment dwelling. This really made me appreciate all the more the importance of knowing one's neighbor.

Found it

Service (and sermon) completed. Still a busy day tomorrow. But, on the other side of the service I realized as soon as I started talking with the family again that that is where I get my motivation. To meet people where they are. To laugh with them and to cry with them - but most of all to know that God loves them and that they need not fear what is after their time on earth - for them or for their loved ones.

It's really not so hard to find motivation when I consider the people.

Lack of Motivation

Warning to the case sensitive - multiple inappropriate capitalizations ahead.

Memorial Service in 2 hours - sermon and service all set.

full day tomorrow of Administrative and Pastoral related activities (Committal, Interview a candidate to Fill a Staff position, Visiting someone about to enter the Hospital, Sermon Writing).

Today a day off filled with the Computer, Newspaper, Telephone calls. I have yet to leave the house for the day.

I'm having a hard time Caring about any of what I am Supposed to care about. I want to be Entertained. I'd rather have people caring for me (or a Mutual exchange) than this One-Way street that I'm Feeling right now.

Don't get me wrong - I care about the People to whom I'm ministering. And more Often than not I Receive care back. It just feels Shallow.

(And, as if you couldn't tell I'm feeling melancholy). I have to Ask "What's my Motivation?"

Handling It

When someone says "I can handle it" my ears perk up a bit and I take a little note. This phrase says to me that the "it" is something to handle and thus something that may cause a bit of anxiety or difficulty - or at the very least wear the person down a bit.

I only notice this because of my own experience. There are periods in my life where I look back and wonder how in the world I "handled it." Times that I have been worn raw and so emotionally scourged I couldn't cry. Times when I couldn't look to what was happening next week because it was all I could do to cope with the challenges of the present one.

The speaker at the conference I just attended was James Cone (or another site). His presentations were remarkable - one was on "The Problem of Race" and basically gave a 9 step process about how to go about addressing the problem within a community, particularly a religious community. Cone had us examining the cross from the perspective of a lynching tree in the second lecture - amazing in so many different angles and reminders of how we are all in this community together and yet we do not recognize Christ in our neighbor.

Anyway - as he responded to questions afterwards he was telling the history of who it was that stepped forward corporally to defend and fight with people in the South. He mentioned that as a body Jews stepped forward to fight for civil rights, but white protestants were shamefully missing. He was challenged by someone who himself had gone down - but Cone's response challenged the "I did it" mentality - especially when one begins to feel proud for where they are.

This brings me back to "handling it." Because, looking back - I can not imagine how I succeeded, but if it wasn't me that was doing the work - then it's possible. I can handle it - because I'm not the one who is handling it. When things do feel like they get to be too much, I shut down and move automatically. It's then, that I have to believe, that the Holy Spirit takes over. I can handle it because I let go.

I haven't figured out how to function normally and let go - I can only let go when there is no where else for me to go. And, I do not aim to get to that place on purpose. This helps me reinterpret parts of my life and the telling of those parts - it wasn't that I did anything but stuck within a given situation, letting go of anything but that I should be there.

Time for a change of pace

The Top Ten Indicators that I'm in need of a break

1. I easily become defensive
2. I cry when someone says something nice to me
3. Television or book characters become my friends
4. I get paranoid (as one friend aptly noticed) about my friendships - that I may offend
5. Even with a lot of friends, it's hard to reach out and call
6. I take too much responsibility for other people's mistakes
7. Small annoyances produce out-of-proportion responses (ie. my darn landlady's dogs are howling and I feel like swearing at them and stomping on the floor - not like that would work)
8. It's hard to think into the future - even 12 hours
9. Cooking becomes less important, but eating more
10. Feeling guilty for non-productivity on days off

I'd say that I'm currently at a 4 out of 10 scale here (#s 2, 4, 5 and 7). I certainly don't feel guilty for this day off - I'm looking forward to making dinner but I'm not really hungry, and since I'm reveling in my laziness today I'm not really having to deal with #s 1 and 6. Now, if only those darn dogs would shut up! I'd be a much healthier person (maybe I need to add an 11, blaming others for my annoyance...naw, anyone would be aggravated by persistent howling.)

I do get some kind of break. I have today off of course - and tomorrow should not be too stressful. And then we have continuing education Monday and Tuesday where I get to go be with others who do this same kind of work (with an extra bonus dinner for those of us in our first 3 years). I know that is work and that I will be tired after those days, but I think it will be good for my soul to have some of that collegiality. A time to commiserate, a time to laugh, a time not to be in charge (yay!).

I'm not looking to this continuing ed as a break so much as a change of pace. It will be nice to not have the same level of responsibility.

Reeking of normality...in a good way

Last night I had a topic in mind, but I thought that I would wait until today to write. Today, the topic must have wandered off to dream land.

It was a positive topic, that I know. Things seem to be going pretty well for me currently. I have been taking advantage of a trial week at a gym that may just get that $40 a month from me. I am enjoying work - feeling like I am making a difference, feeling like things have made the turn for the positive, having other people say that they are noticing that turn. I not only got a phone call this week from my grandparents (who generally call on birthdays and send cards at other times) but also from my brother (my brother!) who rarely calls...and he actually talked this time!

I also have had a pretty normal life lately. I had a "meeting" w/ a guy - not a date, I don't think...and not the guy for me, but it reeked of normality. I also got together with friends to hear a band on a Saturday night - a Saturday night! True, it was an accordion Band, and yes, they did play the Laverne & Shirley theme song, but really - that's how I know it's Milwaukee. And at the end of this week a friend is coming to visit since she's at a conference in Madison this week.

I could settle into this, and feel good about this. Nothing hugely exciting, nothing horribly traumatic. Those things are okay from time to time, but it is nice to be able to come home at the end of the day and not be all worked up.

One of my favorite links.

I'm not asking permission to direct y'all to one of my dear friend's blogs.

She has recently decided to go comment-free - which just means that I have to comment here that I'm loving her site so much. The combination of her beautiful artwork, her blatant political commentary and her own musings and passions being exposed have been wonderful for me to observe.

Please check out Bellarina's site.

Thanks.

Settled

This used to be a word I scorned. If someone was settled, what change could happen in his or her life? What adventures were ready to happen? What challenge? What growth?

But now, I crave it. I've been building up to this point for a couple of years. It first had to do with the desire not to move every single year. Then, I began imagining owning a dog (even though allergies would require one of the hairless variety). And now, I am thinking about purchasing a house. Let me stress 'thinking.' I have a little bit of saving to do, and a lease until the end of June. Even at that point I'll probably wait another year. But I am thinking about it.

I saw a number of friends who are in or heading towards that good settled place. How pleased I am for them! I don't know that I was or could have been before.

The difference is between settled and settling and then there is just plain old stagnation. I aim for settledness - and rejoice with my friends who are finding their way there too.