I just returned from a short "weekend" trip to visit my grandmother who is recovering from a knee replacement. After 3 weeks in the hospital and then at a nursing facility (with a special kind of bed for her knee), she got home on Tuesday and on Thursday night I arrived.
It was a little miraculous - I actually got the chance to help my grandma out. My fierce independence comes from both sides of my family - and my grandma is no exception. Up until her surgery she continued to do things that she really should have had other people do.
Last night, as I was checking to make sure she had everything she needed she was trying to commit to memory the earliest she could take her next pain pill. I told her and then reminded her that if she had any question, she could certainly wake me up. Her response: "Ok. Pause I know. Pause No." Meaning, I understand and thank you, but no, I won't be waking you.
With my grandma, this time around, it was easy to just go ahead and do for her what she had a hard time getting to. However, it never works to ask her what I can do to help her.
I know I'm much the same. It was a privilege to be able to help my grandma - and fun to be with her.
Grandma being off her feet also meant that I got to sit down with her and her recipe box and, as I copied some of them I got to ask questions about them and hear what she had made some of the recipes for. One of her recipes called for wild rice. Grandma mentioned that she puts the seasoning packet from the Uncle Ben's wild rice box. Because I mentioned that I would probably buy in bulk and would want to look at the ingredients in the packet - Grandma made me find the box she had and take it with me. (There are 23 herbs and spices....so, maybe I won't be buying in bulk).
I also left with a Krumkaka Iron. One my parents gave her early on in their marriage, but that Grandma never uses. I've always borrowed my mom's in the past - but have had to remember to do so at Thanksgiving - and have intended to get my own for a couple of years.
Finally, I got a couple days away where I only had very simple tasks to do. I read a bunch. Ate a lot of soup. Took a nap both Friday and Saturday. I'm so glad I went.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
We Live at the Plate.
"It's just that there is sentiment here to use our bequest to challenge and invite others also to step up to the plate. "
This is a direct quote from someone who approached me this week with a thought toward helping to support my congregation's ministry, particularly to the homeless. I am really trying hard not to be offended. Particularly because up until this moment, this entity now trying to challenge others to "step up to the plate" has been nonexistent in the realm of social justice, or even in the community. They have been invited over and over again.
My congregation does a lot with very little. We work hard. We go over and above "the plate" and have been doing so for a number of years. The suggestion was made that my congregation do a fund drive to raise money that would then be matched by this entity. I feel like saying - why don't we count all of the numerous hours, the heartbreaking conversations, the thousands that we have already put in, and plan to continue to put in.....and consider that you are making an attempt to match that. You'll come no where close.
But, I won't say it like that. I might mention that we are already working on a couple of other ways to financially support our work, and they might see that as "matching." Grrrr.. Sometimes I really don't like being diplomatic.
This is a direct quote from someone who approached me this week with a thought toward helping to support my congregation's ministry, particularly to the homeless. I am really trying hard not to be offended. Particularly because up until this moment, this entity now trying to challenge others to "step up to the plate" has been nonexistent in the realm of social justice, or even in the community. They have been invited over and over again.
My congregation does a lot with very little. We work hard. We go over and above "the plate" and have been doing so for a number of years. The suggestion was made that my congregation do a fund drive to raise money that would then be matched by this entity. I feel like saying - why don't we count all of the numerous hours, the heartbreaking conversations, the thousands that we have already put in, and plan to continue to put in.....and consider that you are making an attempt to match that. You'll come no where close.
But, I won't say it like that. I might mention that we are already working on a couple of other ways to financially support our work, and they might see that as "matching." Grrrr.. Sometimes I really don't like being diplomatic.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Speak to Me That I May Speak
As I've started Christmas cards (only about 1/3rd through....they may be pre-Lent cards), as I've started to write the annual report for the congregation, I've recognized that I'm not so sure how to sum up this year without giving away too much.
It's been a hard year. Not stuff to write in Christmas cards. Not appropriate to share all with the congregation. Oh, they'll hear some, that pertains to the community life, but neither my own faith/personal struggles nor those things that have been the most difficult for me at work....particularly certain ways I've had to be involved in some individuals' lives.
Attached to my faith struggle has been a yearning to hear some direction for my life. Yearning to have something in some arena of my life so completely clear that I would know to head in that direction.
If you read past blog entries, you'll see it. And, it has been the reality of my life in 2008.
What leads me to anxious moments - to those times when I wake up from near-sleep to worry - are those times when I feel I am not enough. Nights are always harder than days. But, that period when I'm almost asleep is often when self-doubts start to wheedle their way to the front of my thoughts. My house isn't clean enough, I feel ugly (my current hair cut has been bothering me of late), I spend too much time at work, I failed a particular person in a particular way, my finances aren't in order....etc...etc.
The one that woke me up last night was the clean house - which is pretty ridiculous, because I believe my house could be company ready with an hour's notice.
I've been reading the "Space" trilogy by C.S. Lewis lately. I'm in the 2nd book - Perelandra in which "Ransom" the main character of the trilogy is sent to Perelandra - or Venus. It is a world at the beginning of its existence and there is one man, the King, who I have yet to meet in the book, and one woman, the Lady, who is "getting older" - or learning more and more. Maleldil (God) has forbidden residence on one piece of land (aka, forbidden eating fruit of one particular tree) and "the Enemy" in the form of someone that Ransom knows, has launch a logic-assault on the Lady. The Enemy is continuously in conversation with her, only stopping when she sleeps, to try to convince her that Maleldil really wants her to make her own choices away from him - but he can't tell her that because then it wouldn't be her own choice. Ransom is doing his best to stay awake and be present throughout this assault of logic - to try to combat the Enemy's arguments and convince the Lady to not go against what Maleldil has said.
Last night, after rationalizing myself out of my worry about my messy house, I picked up the book where I left off and read 2 pages before I came to something that brought me to tears:
"Inner silence is for our race a difficult achievement. There is a chattering part of the mind which continues, until it is corrected, to chatter on even in the holiest of places. Thus, while one part of Ransom remained, as it were, prostrated in a hush of fear and love that resembled a kind of death, something else inside him, wholly unaffected by reverence, continued to pour queries and objections into his brain. "It's all very well," said this voluble critic, "a presence of that sort! But the Enemy is really here, really saying and doing things. Where is Maleldil's representative?
"The answer which came back to him, quick as a fencer's or a tennis player's riposte, out of the silence and out of the darkness, almost took his breath away. It seemed Blasphemous. "Anyway, what can I do?"babbled the voluble self. "I've done all I can. I've talked till I'm sick of it. It's no good, I tell you." He tried to persuade himself that he, Ransom, could not possibly be Maleldil's representative as the Un-man was the representative of Hell. The suggestion was, he argued, itself diabolical - a temptation to fatuous pride, to megalomania. He was horrified when the darkness simply flung back this argument in his face, almost impatiently. And then - he wondered how it had escaped him till now - he was forced to perceive that his own coming to Perelandra was at least as much of a marvel as the Enemy's. That miracle on the right side, which he had demanded, had in fact occurred. He himself was the miracle."
These paragraphs and others in those 3 pages I read spoke to me. I was in tears - recognizing some of that communication for which I long.
It almost feels a little foolish to say that this was God - and yet, I believe it. I'm thankful for it.
It's been a hard year. Not stuff to write in Christmas cards. Not appropriate to share all with the congregation. Oh, they'll hear some, that pertains to the community life, but neither my own faith/personal struggles nor those things that have been the most difficult for me at work....particularly certain ways I've had to be involved in some individuals' lives.
Attached to my faith struggle has been a yearning to hear some direction for my life. Yearning to have something in some arena of my life so completely clear that I would know to head in that direction.
If you read past blog entries, you'll see it. And, it has been the reality of my life in 2008.
What leads me to anxious moments - to those times when I wake up from near-sleep to worry - are those times when I feel I am not enough. Nights are always harder than days. But, that period when I'm almost asleep is often when self-doubts start to wheedle their way to the front of my thoughts. My house isn't clean enough, I feel ugly (my current hair cut has been bothering me of late), I spend too much time at work, I failed a particular person in a particular way, my finances aren't in order....etc...etc.
The one that woke me up last night was the clean house - which is pretty ridiculous, because I believe my house could be company ready with an hour's notice.
I've been reading the "Space" trilogy by C.S. Lewis lately. I'm in the 2nd book - Perelandra in which "Ransom" the main character of the trilogy is sent to Perelandra - or Venus. It is a world at the beginning of its existence and there is one man, the King, who I have yet to meet in the book, and one woman, the Lady, who is "getting older" - or learning more and more. Maleldil (God) has forbidden residence on one piece of land (aka, forbidden eating fruit of one particular tree) and "the Enemy" in the form of someone that Ransom knows, has launch a logic-assault on the Lady. The Enemy is continuously in conversation with her, only stopping when she sleeps, to try to convince her that Maleldil really wants her to make her own choices away from him - but he can't tell her that because then it wouldn't be her own choice. Ransom is doing his best to stay awake and be present throughout this assault of logic - to try to combat the Enemy's arguments and convince the Lady to not go against what Maleldil has said.
Last night, after rationalizing myself out of my worry about my messy house, I picked up the book where I left off and read 2 pages before I came to something that brought me to tears:
"Inner silence is for our race a difficult achievement. There is a chattering part of the mind which continues, until it is corrected, to chatter on even in the holiest of places. Thus, while one part of Ransom remained, as it were, prostrated in a hush of fear and love that resembled a kind of death, something else inside him, wholly unaffected by reverence, continued to pour queries and objections into his brain. "It's all very well," said this voluble critic, "a presence of that sort! But the Enemy is really here, really saying and doing things. Where is Maleldil's representative?
"The answer which came back to him, quick as a fencer's or a tennis player's riposte, out of the silence and out of the darkness, almost took his breath away. It seemed Blasphemous. "Anyway, what can I do?"babbled the voluble self. "I've done all I can. I've talked till I'm sick of it. It's no good, I tell you." He tried to persuade himself that he, Ransom, could not possibly be Maleldil's representative as the Un-man was the representative of Hell. The suggestion was, he argued, itself diabolical - a temptation to fatuous pride, to megalomania. He was horrified when the darkness simply flung back this argument in his face, almost impatiently. And then - he wondered how it had escaped him till now - he was forced to perceive that his own coming to Perelandra was at least as much of a marvel as the Enemy's. That miracle on the right side, which he had demanded, had in fact occurred. He himself was the miracle."
These paragraphs and others in those 3 pages I read spoke to me. I was in tears - recognizing some of that communication for which I long.
It almost feels a little foolish to say that this was God - and yet, I believe it. I'm thankful for it.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Isn't It Done Yet?
Here I am, supposedly writing before I head into work for some pastoral care visits and to put things in order for tomorrow and the next few days.
My writing deadline of Dec 31st approaches quickly, and I'm not halfway done. The editor called me a couple days before Christmas to see how I was doing, and basically told me that Dec 31st was not a hard deadline. Which meant that I have allowed myself to not reach it.
I have a few days left, but many of those will be with family, not spent writing. I allowed this entire week to be about Christmas and some relaxing. Yesterday I both went to the gym and went Cross-Country Skiing. Which I would not have done if I was paying attention to this project.
This is one of those things that I'm really glad that I am doing, but am going to be so relieved when it is over.
My writing deadline of Dec 31st approaches quickly, and I'm not halfway done. The editor called me a couple days before Christmas to see how I was doing, and basically told me that Dec 31st was not a hard deadline. Which meant that I have allowed myself to not reach it.
I have a few days left, but many of those will be with family, not spent writing. I allowed this entire week to be about Christmas and some relaxing. Yesterday I both went to the gym and went Cross-Country Skiing. Which I would not have done if I was paying attention to this project.
This is one of those things that I'm really glad that I am doing, but am going to be so relieved when it is over.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Much to do
As I'm making lists and checking them twice - of things to accomplish, not what others have done - I recognize my persistent folly.
Good intentions don't always lead to action.
Baby showers, wedding showers, RSVPs go unanswered.
Projects begun, small tasks that with some organization would take little effort, basic life jobs, are incomplete.
Jumping from one project to another, never having the patience to fully finish. Never feeling really accomplished. Always giving up one thing to move on immediately to the next. It's not over until events are done and time has passed. I can always do more.
Today, Christmas Eve service and sermon. Christmas Day. Christmas Cards. Forgo the gym. Possibly no leisure reading. A clean bathroom? What's that? Only 2 more days!
Good intentions don't always lead to action.
Baby showers, wedding showers, RSVPs go unanswered.
Projects begun, small tasks that with some organization would take little effort, basic life jobs, are incomplete.
Jumping from one project to another, never having the patience to fully finish. Never feeling really accomplished. Always giving up one thing to move on immediately to the next. It's not over until events are done and time has passed. I can always do more.
Today, Christmas Eve service and sermon. Christmas Day. Christmas Cards. Forgo the gym. Possibly no leisure reading. A clean bathroom? What's that? Only 2 more days!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Snow Adventure
I'm sure some people would question my decision making. I can't, however, say that I did.
I started my morning with a frivolous escapade into the almost-foot of snow that fell last night. I had an appointment at 10am. I called and they were open, so I went. It took me 1/2 an hour to get out of the 1/2 block of my dead-end street. But, that didn't deter me.
And, I made it to my facial only 5 minutes late. Yep. I went through the trouble of making my car plow through a foot of snow to go to a facial. Ridiculous. Even a little ridiculous that I had a facial appointment in the first place. And yet, I am glad I went.
I brought exercise clothes with me, with the thought that I would stop off at my gym on the way back, but I also needed to drop by the post office. So, I went to the PO after the facial and decided to attempt to just go back home (shoveling to both get out and then back into my parking spot would be enough exercise I reasoned). However, my streets still were not plowed. So, after almost getting stuck at the intersection closest to my house, I decided to not to try to wade into my block again and went to the gym.
Finally, I decided to attempt getting back onto my block and this time it only took me about 15 minutes to get into my spot.
I rounded out my day with a nice bath and a baked sweet potato for lunch.
I love the snow. I love adventures in the snow. I love driving in the snow. It might not always be the smartest move to make, but this morning was perfect.
I started my morning with a frivolous escapade into the almost-foot of snow that fell last night. I had an appointment at 10am. I called and they were open, so I went. It took me 1/2 an hour to get out of the 1/2 block of my dead-end street. But, that didn't deter me.
And, I made it to my facial only 5 minutes late. Yep. I went through the trouble of making my car plow through a foot of snow to go to a facial. Ridiculous. Even a little ridiculous that I had a facial appointment in the first place. And yet, I am glad I went.
I brought exercise clothes with me, with the thought that I would stop off at my gym on the way back, but I also needed to drop by the post office. So, I went to the PO after the facial and decided to attempt to just go back home (shoveling to both get out and then back into my parking spot would be enough exercise I reasoned). However, my streets still were not plowed. So, after almost getting stuck at the intersection closest to my house, I decided to not to try to wade into my block again and went to the gym.
Finally, I decided to attempt getting back onto my block and this time it only took me about 15 minutes to get into my spot.
I rounded out my day with a nice bath and a baked sweet potato for lunch.
I love the snow. I love adventures in the snow. I love driving in the snow. It might not always be the smartest move to make, but this morning was perfect.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Fresh Air
Following this past weekend with my parents I feel like I let out a deep breath - a breath that I've been holding for a long time. I'm more grounded, happier, feel less frantic.
What was it? Could it have been the many projects they worked on in my house: putting plastic on my windows, fixing the thing that holds my shower head, fixing my kitchen faucet, replacing the missing screw that hold the smoke detector up....other than the window, nothing very major.
Could it have been my mom got to preparing meals and doing dishes before I could? I tried to be on top of things, but she just naturally jumped in. I felt really taken care of.
Was it the theological discussion with my dad? (We tried to liken the red bows we put on Christmas trees to creation - are the bows the purpose? or merely one part of a bigger purpose?). Was it that he helped me explore some texts that I'm needing to study?
Could it have been our own make-shift "day of listening" that NPR was promoting. We didn't record anything, but we engaged in some of the story telling and listening to one another.
I worked each day they were here, but we still had good time together. I don't have a whole lot else to write about....but I am feeling good - involved, busy - but not frantic. Like I've had a breath of fresh air.
What was it? Could it have been the many projects they worked on in my house: putting plastic on my windows, fixing the thing that holds my shower head, fixing my kitchen faucet, replacing the missing screw that hold the smoke detector up....other than the window, nothing very major.
Could it have been my mom got to preparing meals and doing dishes before I could? I tried to be on top of things, but she just naturally jumped in. I felt really taken care of.
Was it the theological discussion with my dad? (We tried to liken the red bows we put on Christmas trees to creation - are the bows the purpose? or merely one part of a bigger purpose?). Was it that he helped me explore some texts that I'm needing to study?
Could it have been our own make-shift "day of listening" that NPR was promoting. We didn't record anything, but we engaged in some of the story telling and listening to one another.
I worked each day they were here, but we still had good time together. I don't have a whole lot else to write about....but I am feeling good - involved, busy - but not frantic. Like I've had a breath of fresh air.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sorting it out
Yesterday and today have been/will be times when I've had to be grounded and non-anxious. I think I succeeded in that yesterday - and in 2 of the three times it was necessary, the event turned out like I would hope it would.
My point to this is to remind myself, that even when I do everything to my best ability, even when I enter into each situation with a good balance of an open spirit and preparation for my part of the situation, even when the intent is there....when working with people there is often an unknown - and there is a high degree of out-of-my-control-ness. When the raw materials are human beings (sounds so cold and calculating), the output is so much more complicated.
I struggle with what to name, what to claim, what to not take responsibility for, and what to discard. What can I learn out of each of those situations? Part of this comes out of my urge to fix the problems - to respond and work towards healthiness.
My task today (in addition to writing a wedding sermon, finishing a grant report and visiting someone in the hospital) is to find this balance - both in public and in private.
My point to this is to remind myself, that even when I do everything to my best ability, even when I enter into each situation with a good balance of an open spirit and preparation for my part of the situation, even when the intent is there....when working with people there is often an unknown - and there is a high degree of out-of-my-control-ness. When the raw materials are human beings (sounds so cold and calculating), the output is so much more complicated.
I struggle with what to name, what to claim, what to not take responsibility for, and what to discard. What can I learn out of each of those situations? Part of this comes out of my urge to fix the problems - to respond and work towards healthiness.
My task today (in addition to writing a wedding sermon, finishing a grant report and visiting someone in the hospital) is to find this balance - both in public and in private.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Off Balance
I've felt unbalanced lately. Not in the way that might require air quotes....although, maybe a little bit there too.
When I come home, I crash. But, I don't feel like I can truly rest because there is so much to do. And so I don't rest well.
I've been waking up in the middle of the night a lot. I'm worrying. About my work. About the world. About others. About my health (nothing for others to get worked up about...just the usual - exercise, what's going on with my eczema, etc.). About the future...mine and the world's. About how. much. I. have. to. get. done.
Some of these things I can control. Some I cannot. The thing about the control piece? It takes time. It takes time to get my work done. It takes time to do the dishes and pay the bills and read my book club book. It takes time to exercise and talk to people on the phone. And, it doesn't feel like I have time.
Except, I would have a little more time if I didn't come home so exhausted.
I know these aren't fun posts to read. So, thank you if you did. I have known for some time that sometimes I just need to know that someone else might hear my concerns - not to solve them, but to know where I am. At the very least, it's therapeutic for me.
And now, I'm going to go be quiet for a little while and read and then go to sleep. That will help my balance.
When I come home, I crash. But, I don't feel like I can truly rest because there is so much to do. And so I don't rest well.
I've been waking up in the middle of the night a lot. I'm worrying. About my work. About the world. About others. About my health (nothing for others to get worked up about...just the usual - exercise, what's going on with my eczema, etc.). About the future...mine and the world's. About how. much. I. have. to. get. done.
Some of these things I can control. Some I cannot. The thing about the control piece? It takes time. It takes time to get my work done. It takes time to do the dishes and pay the bills and read my book club book. It takes time to exercise and talk to people on the phone. And, it doesn't feel like I have time.
Except, I would have a little more time if I didn't come home so exhausted.
I know these aren't fun posts to read. So, thank you if you did. I have known for some time that sometimes I just need to know that someone else might hear my concerns - not to solve them, but to know where I am. At the very least, it's therapeutic for me.
And now, I'm going to go be quiet for a little while and read and then go to sleep. That will help my balance.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I CAN NOT WAIT FOR TONIGHT'S RESULTS!
The title of this post is all I really need to say. I've got all this nervous energy surrounding today and this election. So, I'm going to go vote, then go volunteer and then try to concentrate on my work (add to the nervous energy, it's the last day of work before a week of vacation.....like I'll get anything done anyway...)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Who Needs Sleep?
Apparently my body (and the environment in which it resides) doesn't think I really need much sleep. Multiple things woke me up this morning a mere 4 1/2 hours after I went to bed.
But, I wake up excited (and a bit chilly....I haven't turned my heat on yet).
I'm excited because as I work on my sermon this morning, it's feeling good. I'm excited because I'm participating in workshops that are helping me bring greater definition and clarity to what I'm called to - what I want. I'm excited because a few of my "folks" are getting the same workshops. I'm excited 'cause 'though I have some big things coming up - some things that bring me outside of my comfort zone - I'm honored to be asked to do them. I'm excited because I have vacation very, very soon. I'm excited because I actually stayed out later than 10 last night. I'm excited because I have good friends - and I've actually gotten to spend time with some of them.
I know, it doesn't take much sometimes :)
There are plenty of stressors right now. My health has given me some headaches (not literal headaches, but things I need to pay attention to). I'm hearing the same news everyone else is about the economy - and recognizing the impact that has on various people and institutions with which I'm involved. I'm still working too much.
But, the community, the friends, the good work that is being done, the belief that what I am doing is important, the promise of rest, relaxation, and concerts (!) (not to mention the hope I feel when I consider President Obama), is spurring me on. No wonder I can't sleep.
But, I wake up excited (and a bit chilly....I haven't turned my heat on yet).
I'm excited because as I work on my sermon this morning, it's feeling good. I'm excited because I'm participating in workshops that are helping me bring greater definition and clarity to what I'm called to - what I want. I'm excited because a few of my "folks" are getting the same workshops. I'm excited 'cause 'though I have some big things coming up - some things that bring me outside of my comfort zone - I'm honored to be asked to do them. I'm excited because I have vacation very, very soon. I'm excited because I actually stayed out later than 10 last night. I'm excited because I have good friends - and I've actually gotten to spend time with some of them.
I know, it doesn't take much sometimes :)
There are plenty of stressors right now. My health has given me some headaches (not literal headaches, but things I need to pay attention to). I'm hearing the same news everyone else is about the economy - and recognizing the impact that has on various people and institutions with which I'm involved. I'm still working too much.
But, the community, the friends, the good work that is being done, the belief that what I am doing is important, the promise of rest, relaxation, and concerts (!) (not to mention the hope I feel when I consider President Obama), is spurring me on. No wonder I can't sleep.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
More Clarity
I realize that you, my dear friends who follow my blog, most likely understand where I was coming from yesterday. But, somewhere yesterday (between good conversations with ones who are dear to me and the first date I had) I discovered a little more clarity. I realized that it's not that I don't have deep relationships, you who read this blog and know me know that.
It's that I don't have any extra emotional energy. I can have all the physical energy in the world. I can be well-rested on a Friday, ready to participate in many adventures - or just sit down and have a meal, but I feel like I'm working with a limited supply of emotional energy that is often taken up in the work I do.
Sometimes I do have that emotional energy to invest. But, I haven't recently. So, what do I do with these decent date experiences with good guys who I just haven't been able to emotionally invest in?
Other than my continued quest to have a well-balanced life, not over-run with work, I don't know that there is anything to really do about this. But, it does make me feel better, in some ways, to recognize what it is in me that resists going deeper right away.
It's that I don't have any extra emotional energy. I can have all the physical energy in the world. I can be well-rested on a Friday, ready to participate in many adventures - or just sit down and have a meal, but I feel like I'm working with a limited supply of emotional energy that is often taken up in the work I do.
Sometimes I do have that emotional energy to invest. But, I haven't recently. So, what do I do with these decent date experiences with good guys who I just haven't been able to emotionally invest in?
Other than my continued quest to have a well-balanced life, not over-run with work, I don't know that there is anything to really do about this. But, it does make me feel better, in some ways, to recognize what it is in me that resists going deeper right away.
Friday, October 10, 2008
If only there was a switch
What causes spark and attraction? I'm feeling frustrated with myself because I wonder if somewhere in this last year (or 3, or 8) I just turned that off. Or, maybe it's never been turned on. Or, maybe I'm not very attune to it.
Or, maybe....
So many excuses. What it cuts to is that, though there seem to be many people I admire, respect, think are pretty great - there aren't many that I feel really drawn to. I want to be drawn in - but, like many things, this isn't something to force. But, could it be that I close it off when it could otherwise happen?
I've been in a mood lately, I recognize it's a phase. A not-fun phase. A searching for meaning phase. An over-worked phase. A not-very-thankful phase. A phase that will end when I get over myself.
This isn't something that is saying I'm not enough or I'm incomplete. But, I am feeling an absence of something deeper.
Or, maybe....
So many excuses. What it cuts to is that, though there seem to be many people I admire, respect, think are pretty great - there aren't many that I feel really drawn to. I want to be drawn in - but, like many things, this isn't something to force. But, could it be that I close it off when it could otherwise happen?
I've been in a mood lately, I recognize it's a phase. A not-fun phase. A searching for meaning phase. An over-worked phase. A not-very-thankful phase. A phase that will end when I get over myself.
This isn't something that is saying I'm not enough or I'm incomplete. But, I am feeling an absence of something deeper.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Would You Rather...
More than anything right now I'd like to snuggle down into my bed and read for an evening. Or, maybe I'd like to go to the Ron Sexsmith concert that a friend invited me to. Or, maybe I'd like to grab a beer with someone.
Instead, I'm sitting at home, attempting to write a grant. I have to do this because I sluffed something else off on a parishioner so that I could do this. I have to do this because it's due on Wednesday and I have a wedding, a couple education pieces, a devotion and regular Sunday morning activities to write as well.
Really, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing. Painting my toenails, calling a friend...there are about 6 that I've been meaning to call for a while now, cooking some vegetables, going for a walk, figuring out the doctor and eye appointments I should make soon, buying a gift, starting one of my 2 book club books, cleaning my bathtub, playing Word Twist (on Facebook), planning vacations, downloading my music so I can listen to it on my Ipod, wow - just now was the first pause in my writing.
I don't like who I am when I'm this busy and stressed. I don't like that I don't have as much energy to be with people or to listen. I don't like that it doesn't feel like I do anything well when I'm trying to juggle everything. I don't like that when I do finally finish something I have to move right on to the next thing. I don't like feeling always behind. I don't like that lately it's felt like my entire life is the work I do (she says, admittedly, after a weekend of a friend's wedding - at which I officiated, but it wasn't only work).
*Sigh* I need to get back to it. This was a good diversion. On to the grant.
Instead, I'm sitting at home, attempting to write a grant. I have to do this because I sluffed something else off on a parishioner so that I could do this. I have to do this because it's due on Wednesday and I have a wedding, a couple education pieces, a devotion and regular Sunday morning activities to write as well.
Really, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing. Painting my toenails, calling a friend...there are about 6 that I've been meaning to call for a while now, cooking some vegetables, going for a walk, figuring out the doctor and eye appointments I should make soon, buying a gift, starting one of my 2 book club books, cleaning my bathtub, playing Word Twist (on Facebook), planning vacations, downloading my music so I can listen to it on my Ipod, wow - just now was the first pause in my writing.
I don't like who I am when I'm this busy and stressed. I don't like that I don't have as much energy to be with people or to listen. I don't like that it doesn't feel like I do anything well when I'm trying to juggle everything. I don't like that when I do finally finish something I have to move right on to the next thing. I don't like feeling always behind. I don't like that lately it's felt like my entire life is the work I do (she says, admittedly, after a weekend of a friend's wedding - at which I officiated, but it wasn't only work).
*Sigh* I need to get back to it. This was a good diversion. On to the grant.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
EIGHT Dishes! (And one picture of an ingredient).
I have 8 - that's right EIGHT - dishes to blog about. So far this year I have made 47 vegetable dishes. Unfortunately, there are a total of 93 that I said I would make. I have just inched past halfway there. And, it's the end of the 3rd quarter. I'm going to keep working away at this. We shall see how I end up. Bring on the vegetables!
This is a very delicious "Fresh Corn, Black Bean, and Avocado Saladita" (pg 45). I'm not sure it was really worth it to de-cob corn...but it was totally worth making. Not only was it tasty, but it has protein!
This is a pesto made with Arugula and Pecans. Thus, it is called "Arugula-Pecan Pesto" (pg 5). I must admit, I have yet to taste this. I made it in time to give a majority of it to someone else and have yet to use it with anything myself. I may have to remake this one....though, if stored correctly, the pesto does keep for a good length of time.
This is not actually a recipe. For the next 2 recipes I used fresh mint out of my friend Miguel's garden. I think next year I'll be growing some of my own mint. It was delicious just to smell it!
With that mint I made "Zucchini-Mint Croquettes" (pg 126). I liked the taste of them, but I'm not sure I would want to eat more than 2 or 3. However, they're also fun to make...I must admit, I like to shred zucchini.
The other minty recipe was "Southeast Asian-Style Eggplant with Chiles, Red Onion and Mint" (pg 54). I made only about a 1/2 recipe, and that was enough. I would not use this as a main dish, but as a side.
Tomatoes! These were tomatoes that were mostly donated to me by loving congregation members. I had actually been expecting more, but am certainly ok with not having to figure out what to do with them all ('though I do have 2 more recipes). This is "Gratineed Tomatoes" (pg 119). My book club was once again subjected to my experiments...and these were good - but after they sat on the table for a little while they were much less appetizing.
Red onions really really make me cry. It was almost impossible for me to keep working on this dish. But, it still turned out fine. This is really a simple dish with some surprising taste combinations. At the heart, though, is good ole broccoli, my friend. This is "Broccoli, Apples & Red Onion in Honey-Mustard Marinade" (pg 24).
Story time. As an RA in college I was on rounds when I smelled something like Pot. I ended up knocking on the door only to learn that the girls were taking part in a Native American ritual that involved burning sage. Making "Crispy Sage Leaves" (109) brought that all back to me. These were meh...not fantastic, not really necessary, really.
Oh my goodness, this next dish completely redeems the sage leaves. I liked it just as well plain, but putting the sage leaves on top did add something to it. This is "Spaghetti Squash with Carmelized Onions and Crispy Sage Leaves" (pg 108). Mollie Katzen recommends making a double batch - and if this were to be for more than 2 people, I agree. It was delicious!
There it is. I hope to continue on this successful streak. I am really looking forward to more squash - and the broccoli dishes that will be coming soon.
This is a very delicious "Fresh Corn, Black Bean, and Avocado Saladita" (pg 45). I'm not sure it was really worth it to de-cob corn...but it was totally worth making. Not only was it tasty, but it has protein!
This is a pesto made with Arugula and Pecans. Thus, it is called "Arugula-Pecan Pesto" (pg 5). I must admit, I have yet to taste this. I made it in time to give a majority of it to someone else and have yet to use it with anything myself. I may have to remake this one....though, if stored correctly, the pesto does keep for a good length of time.
This is not actually a recipe. For the next 2 recipes I used fresh mint out of my friend Miguel's garden. I think next year I'll be growing some of my own mint. It was delicious just to smell it!
With that mint I made "Zucchini-Mint Croquettes" (pg 126). I liked the taste of them, but I'm not sure I would want to eat more than 2 or 3. However, they're also fun to make...I must admit, I like to shred zucchini.
The other minty recipe was "Southeast Asian-Style Eggplant with Chiles, Red Onion and Mint" (pg 54). I made only about a 1/2 recipe, and that was enough. I would not use this as a main dish, but as a side.
Tomatoes! These were tomatoes that were mostly donated to me by loving congregation members. I had actually been expecting more, but am certainly ok with not having to figure out what to do with them all ('though I do have 2 more recipes). This is "Gratineed Tomatoes" (pg 119). My book club was once again subjected to my experiments...and these were good - but after they sat on the table for a little while they were much less appetizing.
Red onions really really make me cry. It was almost impossible for me to keep working on this dish. But, it still turned out fine. This is really a simple dish with some surprising taste combinations. At the heart, though, is good ole broccoli, my friend. This is "Broccoli, Apples & Red Onion in Honey-Mustard Marinade" (pg 24).
Story time. As an RA in college I was on rounds when I smelled something like Pot. I ended up knocking on the door only to learn that the girls were taking part in a Native American ritual that involved burning sage. Making "Crispy Sage Leaves" (109) brought that all back to me. These were meh...not fantastic, not really necessary, really.
Oh my goodness, this next dish completely redeems the sage leaves. I liked it just as well plain, but putting the sage leaves on top did add something to it. This is "Spaghetti Squash with Carmelized Onions and Crispy Sage Leaves" (pg 108). Mollie Katzen recommends making a double batch - and if this were to be for more than 2 people, I agree. It was delicious!
There it is. I hope to continue on this successful streak. I am really looking forward to more squash - and the broccoli dishes that will be coming soon.Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Religion Vs. Faith
When talking about my job with people who aren't immersed in the church, I often get tongue-tied. I tend to not know whether to talk about faith or religion.
Faith and religion are tied to me, but not the same thing. When I talk with people not connected to the church, often the issue that gets most discussed is organized religion (and it's sin). I don't disagree with the assessment that organized religion causes pain. I don't disagree that sinful people run rampant within religious organizations. I don't disagree that religiosity sometimes breeds evil.
The challenge to me, especially when talking with those who have been hurt by organized religion in the past, is to affirm the sin that is there. But then to move into the faith aspect. It's difficult, though, for me to move from a criticism of organized religion to a lifting up of God's relationship with sinful humanity (and with me). I haven't found a good segue.
And, I'm not completely against organized religion. I think there is a purpose and a call to be community. Practically, I see the need for organization and the tendency (the only thing we know how to do to keep something functioning?) to institutionalize. Even with the sin it holds, I appreciate a certain level of institutionalization - especially if it's dynamic and reformable.
I'm figuring it out - with more and more practice. And, it's not always important to talk about everything. 'Though it is an important conversation to have...to open up that God does not equate church. That organized religion is not infallible. That God's hope for this world does not end in the church.
Faith and religion are tied to me, but not the same thing. When I talk with people not connected to the church, often the issue that gets most discussed is organized religion (and it's sin). I don't disagree with the assessment that organized religion causes pain. I don't disagree that sinful people run rampant within religious organizations. I don't disagree that religiosity sometimes breeds evil.
The challenge to me, especially when talking with those who have been hurt by organized religion in the past, is to affirm the sin that is there. But then to move into the faith aspect. It's difficult, though, for me to move from a criticism of organized religion to a lifting up of God's relationship with sinful humanity (and with me). I haven't found a good segue.
And, I'm not completely against organized religion. I think there is a purpose and a call to be community. Practically, I see the need for organization and the tendency (the only thing we know how to do to keep something functioning?) to institutionalize. Even with the sin it holds, I appreciate a certain level of institutionalization - especially if it's dynamic and reformable.
I'm figuring it out - with more and more practice. And, it's not always important to talk about everything. 'Though it is an important conversation to have...to open up that God does not equate church. That organized religion is not infallible. That God's hope for this world does not end in the church.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Price Per Share
Recently, I've had the urge to overshare. I suppose it's not the desire to overshare in itself, but I've felt like I've broadcasted parts of my life/opinions/unnecessary details far and wide.
Why did I make that joke? What possessed me to tell that life story to those people? Why did I get into that debate?
I wonder if there is some correlation between the general isolation I experience (living alone, often working alone in my office, eating by myself, exercising by myself, leaving places by myself even when I've been in a group) and my instinct to push details of myself off onto others. In two ways I see the impetus: 1) I have many random thoughts that I like to talk through, but since I'm by myself a lot I often don't get to. So, when they do come when I'm in the presence of people, I get to share. and 2) I do want people to know me.
Even though I don't think I've crossed any lines ('though I may have caused some to move their preconceived notions), I wonder what the cost of my blabbering is.
Why did I make that joke? What possessed me to tell that life story to those people? Why did I get into that debate?
I wonder if there is some correlation between the general isolation I experience (living alone, often working alone in my office, eating by myself, exercising by myself, leaving places by myself even when I've been in a group) and my instinct to push details of myself off onto others. In two ways I see the impetus: 1) I have many random thoughts that I like to talk through, but since I'm by myself a lot I often don't get to. So, when they do come when I'm in the presence of people, I get to share. and 2) I do want people to know me.
Even though I don't think I've crossed any lines ('though I may have caused some to move their preconceived notions), I wonder what the cost of my blabbering is.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Beans, beans....no, literally - green beans.
August should be a fantastic month for cooking vegetables. Well....yeah. I have been. Just not recipes for the New Year's Resolution. Here are the dishes I have made in August. I suppose one a week isn't bad - but it's almost half as many as I would have liked.
Best Ever Green Beans Amandine (pg 68). I don't really remember these. I think they tasted fine. And, must not have been too difficult. Hmmm???
This dish, however, was stupendous - and fun and easy. This is Cauliflower and Red Onion Mustard Pickles (pg 42). They may not look like much, but they were tasty. I suppose it always helps to have things sit in mustard and vinegar.
I believe this was my favorite of the month...and perhaps of the summer. This is Beet-Avocado-Pear "Carpaccio" (pg 14). I only made enough for one serving originally, but I made this a couple more times because it was so good. Really just a fancy salad more than anything. And, candied walnuts are never a bad thing.
Finally, more beans. Because, I like beans. And, they're in season. This was basically a recipe that told me to do what I might normally do anyway. So, here you have "Dramatically Seared Green Beans" (pg 72). Perhaps the only difference is that I would have not added the garlic.
Best Ever Green Beans Amandine (pg 68). I don't really remember these. I think they tasted fine. And, must not have been too difficult. Hmmm???
This dish, however, was stupendous - and fun and easy. This is Cauliflower and Red Onion Mustard Pickles (pg 42). They may not look like much, but they were tasty. I suppose it always helps to have things sit in mustard and vinegar.
I believe this was my favorite of the month...and perhaps of the summer. This is Beet-Avocado-Pear "Carpaccio" (pg 14). I only made enough for one serving originally, but I made this a couple more times because it was so good. Really just a fancy salad more than anything. And, candied walnuts are never a bad thing.
Finally, more beans. Because, I like beans. And, they're in season. This was basically a recipe that told me to do what I might normally do anyway. So, here you have "Dramatically Seared Green Beans" (pg 72). Perhaps the only difference is that I would have not added the garlic.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Motorcycles and Politics: Individualism and Traveling as a Pack
A Cynical Purge
I live just a few houses from a major thoroughfare. I very rarely hear any traffic noise - except....except for the motorcycles. (Well, and except for the airplanes, but that's due to the airport 2 miles from my house).
This weekend is the celebration of Harley Davidson's 105th Anniversary - and so, I am hearing motorcycles. The most entertaining part of this for me is that I have already seen multiple headbands/handkerchiefs littering the roads of my fair city (oh - or maybe I should say sexy city...Milwaukee was somehow rated sexiest city by the magazine Marie Claire).
I enjoy motorcycles. I understand why they're fun - or at least some of the reasons. But, right now I'm feeling disgusted by them. They are such an extravagance; I don't know many people who have one as their sole vehicle. Is there an argument for higher gas mileage? That might help my attitude.
I think I'm just feeling down about humanity in general. I really should feel elated - especially after Obama's amazing acceptance speech last night. But, the combination of the reminder that Milwaukee's poverty level is off the chart (apparently we lead the country in poverty and sexiness...we're only 2nd highest this year as the drunkest city) and the recognition that a large part of Americans really think it's their right to live extravagantly, brings me down.
I do believe that Obama will not raise taxes for 95% of working families - and stop tax breaks to companies that send jobs overseas. I do believe that Obama will lead others into individual responsibility and mutual responsibility - into caring for our brothers and sisters....and that will encompass economics, the environment, government programs, education and on and on.
But, I'm also feeling cynical. I'm feeling cynical because Senator Clinton was not visibly supporting the Democratic Party last night. I'm feeling cynical because a motorcycle can only hold 2 people - and really is all about individualism and freedom from the constriction of a boxy vehicle and the necessary rules that go with it. I'm feeling cynical because while motorcycles rally and candidates stump, people are suffering. And it's not even winter yet.
I'm not going to leave this here. There does need to be hope. There is hope. It comes in community for me - in people supporting each other - in the quest for dignity for all. I believe that is Obama's vision and that Biden strengthens that. But, beyond what (I hope and pray and have to believe) will be in a few months, community will support.
My congregation is blessed (somehow) with the presence of a homeless community who is seeking to pitch in. The people who organize and make our food pantry (where food is only given to those who aren't able to get it at other pantries because they have no permanent address); the people who organize and staff our clothing room; the people who often are putting the finishing touches on clean up after Soup Kitchen - are the people who start out by being served. Most of these volunteers sleep outside at night. There is sometimes a high turnover rate, but also a high rate of recidivism....in volunteering.
The newest idea is that those who can (who wander the streets, digging in the garbage cans, picking up metal), those who can (as a verb) - bring in one bag of cans a week that then are exchanged for cash and underwear be purchased with it for the clothing room. I love this. Because it truly addresses community - it creates a space for people to offer what they can, what they have. We haven't gotten further than brainstorming with this one, but it does give me hope.
And, I have to have hope that people will keep traveling in packs - that people will lift each other up to a greater vision of unity - that we will look out for each other and trust in something bigger than ourselves.
Alright. Cynical purge done.
I live just a few houses from a major thoroughfare. I very rarely hear any traffic noise - except....except for the motorcycles. (Well, and except for the airplanes, but that's due to the airport 2 miles from my house).
This weekend is the celebration of Harley Davidson's 105th Anniversary - and so, I am hearing motorcycles. The most entertaining part of this for me is that I have already seen multiple headbands/handkerchiefs littering the roads of my fair city (oh - or maybe I should say sexy city...Milwaukee was somehow rated sexiest city by the magazine Marie Claire).
I enjoy motorcycles. I understand why they're fun - or at least some of the reasons. But, right now I'm feeling disgusted by them. They are such an extravagance; I don't know many people who have one as their sole vehicle. Is there an argument for higher gas mileage? That might help my attitude.
I think I'm just feeling down about humanity in general. I really should feel elated - especially after Obama's amazing acceptance speech last night. But, the combination of the reminder that Milwaukee's poverty level is off the chart (apparently we lead the country in poverty and sexiness...we're only 2nd highest this year as the drunkest city) and the recognition that a large part of Americans really think it's their right to live extravagantly, brings me down.
I do believe that Obama will not raise taxes for 95% of working families - and stop tax breaks to companies that send jobs overseas. I do believe that Obama will lead others into individual responsibility and mutual responsibility - into caring for our brothers and sisters....and that will encompass economics, the environment, government programs, education and on and on.
But, I'm also feeling cynical. I'm feeling cynical because Senator Clinton was not visibly supporting the Democratic Party last night. I'm feeling cynical because a motorcycle can only hold 2 people - and really is all about individualism and freedom from the constriction of a boxy vehicle and the necessary rules that go with it. I'm feeling cynical because while motorcycles rally and candidates stump, people are suffering. And it's not even winter yet.
I'm not going to leave this here. There does need to be hope. There is hope. It comes in community for me - in people supporting each other - in the quest for dignity for all. I believe that is Obama's vision and that Biden strengthens that. But, beyond what (I hope and pray and have to believe) will be in a few months, community will support.
My congregation is blessed (somehow) with the presence of a homeless community who is seeking to pitch in. The people who organize and make our food pantry (where food is only given to those who aren't able to get it at other pantries because they have no permanent address); the people who organize and staff our clothing room; the people who often are putting the finishing touches on clean up after Soup Kitchen - are the people who start out by being served. Most of these volunteers sleep outside at night. There is sometimes a high turnover rate, but also a high rate of recidivism....in volunteering.
The newest idea is that those who can (who wander the streets, digging in the garbage cans, picking up metal), those who can (as a verb) - bring in one bag of cans a week that then are exchanged for cash and underwear be purchased with it for the clothing room. I love this. Because it truly addresses community - it creates a space for people to offer what they can, what they have. We haven't gotten further than brainstorming with this one, but it does give me hope.
And, I have to have hope that people will keep traveling in packs - that people will lift each other up to a greater vision of unity - that we will look out for each other and trust in something bigger than ourselves.
Alright. Cynical purge done.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Simple, and not-so-simple Gifts
It's been a day of gifts. Some very much appreciated, others not so much. But, a gift is a gift. And, I believe that I, for the most part received them graciously.
The day ended with a request for a hug. One of those unexpected requests. A hug that was really a sharing of the peace in many ways, but with one who respects my space as much as I respect his, and so it was strangely appropriate. He was just so happy - and needed to share his glee. He was happy because of opportunities: an upcoming trip; getting to volunteer with youth; being able to give some of our homeless folk an opportunity to be invested in our ministry (putting together our clothing room). It was a gift to share in his happiness.
Tonight I received tomatoes, chocolate, inappropriate (yet funny) offers to run with me (I was spotted on Monday on my run), the blessing of the glee of an older woman, concrete news from someone that our work is making a difference, the privilege of being asked to be a reference for a homeless woman, but most creepily, a doll. The doll is one of those collector type things. I hate dolls and stuffed animals. They creep me out. I don't know that I ever saw Chucky, but, it probably has something to do with that.
I also received the gift of good colleagues - in my morning text study, and in the Interfaith meeting I attend. It actually only took one - with whom conversation is not frequent enough - but who does care. We spent 1/2 an hour in the parking lot after the meeting.
In non-work life, I received the gift of two different invitations to hang out (well, I initiated one...but she responded in the affirmative. And the second was completely unexpected). Neither are pastors (yay!...you know I love my pastor friends, but variety is good). And both are highly educated and in fields that require a lot of responsibility.
This is long enough, but I received other gifts today too. It was one of those days. Some of the gifts I received with open arms. Some, I wasn't too sure of, but it turned out to be a good thing. Others I'd still like to get rid of. But, they are all gifts. No matter how much I would pick them out for myself.
The day ended with a request for a hug. One of those unexpected requests. A hug that was really a sharing of the peace in many ways, but with one who respects my space as much as I respect his, and so it was strangely appropriate. He was just so happy - and needed to share his glee. He was happy because of opportunities: an upcoming trip; getting to volunteer with youth; being able to give some of our homeless folk an opportunity to be invested in our ministry (putting together our clothing room). It was a gift to share in his happiness.
Tonight I received tomatoes, chocolate, inappropriate (yet funny) offers to run with me (I was spotted on Monday on my run), the blessing of the glee of an older woman, concrete news from someone that our work is making a difference, the privilege of being asked to be a reference for a homeless woman, but most creepily, a doll. The doll is one of those collector type things. I hate dolls and stuffed animals. They creep me out. I don't know that I ever saw Chucky, but, it probably has something to do with that.
I also received the gift of good colleagues - in my morning text study, and in the Interfaith meeting I attend. It actually only took one - with whom conversation is not frequent enough - but who does care. We spent 1/2 an hour in the parking lot after the meeting.
In non-work life, I received the gift of two different invitations to hang out (well, I initiated one...but she responded in the affirmative. And the second was completely unexpected). Neither are pastors (yay!...you know I love my pastor friends, but variety is good). And both are highly educated and in fields that require a lot of responsibility.
This is long enough, but I received other gifts today too. It was one of those days. Some of the gifts I received with open arms. Some, I wasn't too sure of, but it turned out to be a good thing. Others I'd still like to get rid of. But, they are all gifts. No matter how much I would pick them out for myself.
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