Whose Little Brown Boys

When Michael Brown was killed by police in Ferguson, MO I was entering my third trimester with my first beloved brown little boy. 

Closer to home in Chicago, and only a couple months later, Laquan McDonald was shot in the back while walking away from police. Less than a month later, I would welcome my (first) sweet little one into the world.

Yesterday, footage was released of the police murder of Adam Toledo, a 13-year old boy who was turning around with his hands up when a Chicago police officer shot him in the chest. As with other moments of police murder and brutality, I am NOT going to watch the video that was released, but I believe that, as I heard someone comment on NPR today, Adam did everything he was told. And he was killed.

Adam Toledo was only 7 years older than my oldest child. 

My kids are learning about racism, but I have yet to have the conversation with either one of them that they might be the recipients of racism, of the engrained disparity created by white supremacy, of police brutality. 

They are cushioned, somewhat, by wealth. They will have more privilege and safety than many. But, I know I'm unable to fully protect them from micro aggressions, let alone larger repercussions of white supremacy. 

Right now, I am feeling more sadness than fear. More despair at our country and the racist systems that continue to perpetrate violence upon black and brown people than worry about what my children will experience. 

But the shadow of what my children might experience certainly weighs heavily.

I'm a Joiner

Part of figuring out what I want to do with my energy and time is that it seems like there are a lot of little things that can add up quickly.

Pablo and I have very different ideas of how a person is involved in community - perhaps to the extreme. Or, maybe rather, I'm the extreme one and Pablo is how everyone else is. My natural urge is to step in and help out in whatever is needed. To be part of whatever work seems to be needed - even if no one else has said it's something to be needed. Pablo will be involved in some things if asked, but when we talk about whether I'm going to do something he will say that he just doesn't have the same compulsion as I do.

While this stepping into community tasks has meant I've gotten to be part of some interesting things - and sometimes discovered that which I'm definitely not good at - it has also meant in recent years that my saying yes impacts my family. As the main family calendar keeper, I also have to figure out how things get covered when I'm busy working on other things. 

This was the case when I was working too - and sometimes I felt I had to negotiate when I would fit in time to do my work. We would figure out some givens - like that Pablo would do something with the kids every Saturday morning and he was in charge of everything on Sunday mornings - but since my job wasn't something that was just clocking in and clocking out - but creating something that sometimes came easily and other times didn't, as well as responding to other people's needs - I often felt like I was carving out time to do things for work when other people would be using that time for exercise or rest.

But, back to my compulsion to join into community tasks: I've also recently decided that I don't want to be a complainer, but if I have a complaint think about how I can contribute to a more positive outcome. So, this moves me to be more involved. I was frustrated that our neighborhood was doing events geared for teenagers and older. I realized that this was merely a friend group that was doing things and inviting others. They weren't cruise captains needing to tend to everyone's interests. So, a friend and I put together an event for younger kids - and we'll do more too, I'm sure. 

Right now, I'm trying to decide whether I should say yes to being on my congregation's call committee. I have some big opinions, and am not sure how much I want to put them out there - or have them be involved in this process. I need to decide quite soon...but either way, the things I've had strong opinions about (some things I would name as complaints) could be addressed if I am involved. Or, at least my point of view would be heard. 

Because, finally,  I'm glad that I get to do some of these other little things outside of house and home. I miss working with other people on things, and this gives me a little taste. I miss having my voice listened to (because my kids really aren't) and creating together - where ideas grow and things are better because everyone had input. And, I miss seeing where I make my mark.