My Something Larger

I'm reading the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle and am definitely identifying with a lot of it. While I'm currently experiencing some of what is discussed, I'm more able to see the symptoms of burnout from my time being both parent and pastor. 

There is a lot I could reflect on as I'm reading, and in fact I've downloaded the audiobook worksheets - since I'm reading a library book on my kindle. I might try to fill the out at sometime. The piece I am most interested in figuring out is what my "Something Larger" is. That thing that gives my life meaning. 

A big something larger is raising my kids. Obviously nothing to dismiss and certainly something that I have put other things on hold for - happily. And yet, I think there is something else brewing. Sometimes it feels like a lot of little things. Sometimes it feels like it's maybe not something that I'll ever do for a career. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm unrealistic in what I hope to be able to do. Sometimes I wonder if I have the energy and the nerve to truly figure out what that Something Larger is and do something about it.

I have a sense my Something Larger has to do with issues of justice. With creating community that is accessible and life-giving for all. Possibly something about anti-racism. Possibly something about justice for women. I have senses, but it seems so unclear.

I'm only about ½ way through the book. Maybe it will offer further clarity in discovering my Something Larger. Maybe working through the worksheets will help. 

To be honest, I'm not sure I really want to know yet what that is. I do, but then am I going to want to charge ahead - to make things happen - to lead, as I often find myself doing? As I'm writing this, Gabriel has come in after his bath, ready for me to help him put his pajamas on, wanting to do his "writing" which is a page on my computer that he types random letters on, although some are becoming more word-like as he continues kindergarten. I am conscious that I want to keep focusing on this Something Larger of raising my kids at least until David's more involved in school. But, I wonder about whether I should be preparing because that's only a year and a half away.

So often in life my things have come to me - sometimes because I was working towards them, but often without me having to do too much soul searching. I'm not sure I want the next chapter to come so easily - or rather - to be defined by others quite so much. I want to steer it. 

But, I have to have a bit more of an understanding of what "it" is before I do that.

February's Resolution Begins

As we ease into February, my monthly resolution switches from writing frequently to logging my food intake. More than anything I just want to be more mindful of what I'm putting into my mouth. Today, on day 1, I stopped myself from eating oreos, chips, and a 3rd rice krispie treat (after the 2 I ate) when I didn't really even want food - I just wanted sugar or salt or to be chewing something. 

It's 7:45, and to be honest, the hardest time for me is from when I start cooking supper until I'm upstairs for the night. And, when I have a drink I'm even less likely to stop myself from indulging in sweets and salty unnecessary treats. So, the logging of food is not even so much to keep to a particular calorie count, although the app I use does do that. But more so to be more mindful of what I'm putting in my body.