The End...Until the Sequal

5:45am, Sunday, June 30, 2013.

My last day as a pastor for the unforeseen future.
I'm up, drinking my coffee, knowing I need to get going, thinking about what is to be done today.

I am saying goodbye to a congregation and a call that has been fantastic and challenging - that has made me question what I am supposed to be doing....but any call would have done that - that has fostered me in what has turned out to be a transition time in my life.

I am saying goodbye today to some wonderful people. Some who give so much of themselves to issues of justice. Some who are so passionate about education. Some who are always thinking about the next kind thing they can do. I am going to miss many individuals. It is hard to say goodbye.

But, what I am also saying goodbye to is the identity of pastor - at least for a little while. And, I'm not sure how that is going to be.

I'm looking forward to being able to put my phone on silent for the evening. I'm really excited about becoming a part of a congregation without having to have any answers or to lead anything (for a while at least). I'm feeling a sense of freedom at having evenings and weekends as my own. I'm excited to take a class regularly because I can have a regular evening available. I'm interested to see how I might engage in further community issues with a little more time on my hands.

But, I wonder where and when I'll have theological conversations and opportunities to study the texts with others (whether other clergy or lay). I wonder what it will be like to not say, "The body of Christ, given for you," looking people in the eye every Sunday morning. I worry that I might never find another kind of work that fulfills me in this way (although, I have never tried). I wonder what I will miss the most: preaching, leading worship, getting to hear challenges of people's lives and talk with them about where God is, home communion visits, teaching Confirmation, working with faithful people dedicated to the message of Jesus Christ.

6:00 am, Sunday, June 30th, 2013. It's time for me to get in the shower. The beginning of what feels to be a momentous day in my life.

Overdrive

I've been in a bit of an overdrive. Moving from one big emotional thing to the next. Trying to juggle the emotions, the tasks, the schedule.

Last night, at dinner and later ping pong (yes, ping pong) with friends - two couples who are just getting to know each other through me - I found myself sitting back and taking it in. It wasn't that I was withdrawn, although I wonder if it appeared that way to others. I was sitting in thankfulness - for my friends and that they can have such fun with one another. For their wit, their kindness, their sense of humor and care for me. For my Pablo and his presence by my side. For my city that I am going to miss big time (but get to visit because it really takes the same amount of time as driving into Chicago).

Today, I get to experience A Prairie Home Companion live for the first time. At any other time in my life I would be giddy and preparing by reading up and looking into things about what was going to happen. And, I'm sure that 1/2 an hour before the show starts I'm going to be super excited. But, it's not time for that yet. I've got so many other emotions and events to get through today before that happens.

There will be a relief when all of the leave taking and the moving is finished. A relief because I will then have some time to sort through emotions - to dwell and process in ways other than writing repeated blog posts.

I am so blessed - to have all of these events and experiences happening. To be able to have these connections with dear people and places. To be able to look with anticipation to what is ahead. And maybe, that can be the feeling that encompasses all of the others - blessed. In the joy, in the thankfulness, in the sadness, in the overwhelmedness - I am blessed.

Business Appreciation

I was thinking about my next oil change. At the last one, they put in some kind of wonder-oil that needs to be changed every 9 months or 8,000 miles or so. Or, at least that's what the sticker says. And, after 3 months of driving, I'm only 1,000 miles from needing an oil change - so I've got an appointment set for next Friday.

I won't have hit the 8,000th mile (or the 9th month) by then, but  by the time I do I'll be in IL. And, I like the automotive place I found. I like the people and trust them. I'm sad to be leaving them.

I'm also sad to be leaving my massage therapist. She has a small office space nearby and is amazing. In addition to the fact that I think she and I would be friends if we met a different way, she is incredibly good at her craft - and not expensive.

And my dentists. Now, I ran into a little trouble at one point, because one of my fillings needed to be attended to 3 times, but they took care of it. They are friendly, good at what they do - and willing to share my info - unlike my previous dentist.

And my dermatologist. She is someone who gets right down to business. After my first couple visits I realized that I should just take all of my clothes off and put on the hospital gown because she was going to look anyway and I'd be stuck stripping in front of her - which is even more awkward than just being naked already. I went in with eczema on 75-90% of my body and through treatment with light and some topical medicine I am down to about 2%.

I'm going to also miss my gas station and my bank and my yoga studio/instructor.

It takes a while to settle into a place. It takes a while to find the businesses and people you trust with your car and your body and your teeth and your money.

Looking forward, I know there will be people in these various professions who I will trust with these things, and yet, I am so thankful for these people and entities in my life - all of them in these last 4 years.

By the Numbers

10 days until my last Sunday as a parish pastor (for a while).

16 days until I move all of my things out of my condo.

24 days until my dad has his last Sunday as a parish pastor (forever).

25 days until condo closing (if all goes well with today's inspection).

71 days until P & I are united as husband and wife.

The numbers are not all that important - except they do show the passage of time. It does feel like so much is flying by. Some things I'm just looking forward for them to be done, such as the move & the closing. Other things I can't wait until they get here, like the week with my family at the cabin (post-dad's retirement) and, of course, the wedding.

Life is changing quickly.

Taking Leave

It's almost 9:30 at night, and I have at least an hour of prep to put in, but I'm going to allow myself 10 minutes of writing - to process - to be in this time when it feels like I am moving from one big thing to another.

Last night was my last council meeting. It wasn't until about 1/2 an hour before the meeting that I thought there would be anything more than the simple "thank you" speech from the president on behalf of the council. Instead, our check in time, which is usually used to have everyone note how they have seen or experienced Jesus in the last month, was used to lift up memories or thank yous to me.

Specific sermon illustrations came out. People feeling warmly welcomed - a lack of anxiety - a sense of joy - around me. Creativity in worship and being able to play and try things out with the other staff members and being able to wrangle and organize 30 teenagers and chaperones. Compassion. The skill I have at delegation - and being able to hear criticism and respond to it constructively. The impact on the kids (younger than teenagers) and on the Confirmation program. Having a theological reason for everything I do (well, almost everything).

I felt a little embarrassed. But, I also felt incredibly supported and known.

It was only two days ago that this whole leaving thing really started to sink in. So, the emotions are just starting to hit me.

I've known I should be moving on - I've recognized that I've not been as called to this work in the last couple years - but saying goodbye is still incredibly emotional - perhaps even more so because I don't know when I will get to be Pastor Becker next.

Then, today, as I'm sitting in the Fellowship Hall waiting for the kids to arrive for the third day of Vacation Bible School, 4-year old Tyler - looks at me intently and says - "You're not going to be the pastor here anymore" in his sweet, four-year old voice.

"But....but, maybe when you are a pastor at another church you can think of us on Sunday when you go to church."

I start to respond but he continues,

"And, I will think of you when I come here on Sunday."

Oh. My. Heart.

Four years old with the wisdom of an 80 year old.
I might have startled him with my tears streaming down my face as I asked for a hug. But, he gave me one and we kept talking after that for a little while until it was time to collect myself and talk about Zacchaeus.

My 10 minutes turned into 15. Perhaps there will be more leave-taking stories to follow.

Housing Exchange

I signed a contract with a realtor on February 25th, which meant that my condo went on the market. I hadn't intended to actually get my condo on the market until April 1st - after Easter, but once I decided on which realtor I wanted to use, he had me sign some papers, took some pictures - and it was up.

Yesterday, an accepted offer was made and signed. (!!) There are still some steps - the inspection, the closing. I am going to owe a little, but it will be a manageable amount (likely close to what I would pay if I had to pay my mortgage and condo association fees in August).

It's a big sigh of relief. And, interesting to be in this process from this end.
All in all, really good for me, especially with all of the other balls that I am trying to juggle at this time.

There is, however, some sense of melancholy with this news. A sense of a time of my life ending - an experience where it was only up to me to make decisions and make things happen. I've been craving this end, and yet....

I celebrate these last 8 years of living on my own.
I'm proud that I have handled problems. That I have created 2 different homes. That I reached out when I needed help, and, with a deep breath made decisions when I needed to.

I'm proud of my condo with the lovely bamboo floors, the exploration with paint (mostly successful), and putting in a new dishwasher.

I am so very relieved that the condo is (probably) sold. It is one less big-life event to juggle. I am so excited for what is coming up in life.

But, I feel the nostalgia seeping into this time as well.

No News

My car radio is out.
Sometimes it kicks back in for a second or more after a bumpy section of the road, but for the most part I'm radio-less.

This is both good and bad.
At a time when it seems I'm constantly diverting my attention with some other decision to make, this gives me time in the car just to be (and drive attentively). It means that my mind has time to mull over things, to turn phrases, to pray without other diversions.

However, it also means I have no idea what is going on in the world. I actually hear about 10 minutes of NPR as I get ready in the morning. I sometimes listen to music at work. I get most of my news from the headlines on my e-mail's login page...but I've discovered that I usually only look there if I have already heard of a story.

In this instance, no news is really not good. I like to be informed - to have an idea of tornados that his Oklahoma and Cicada's that take over the East coast. I like to hear the stories NPR produces and the Community Moments that 88.9 Radio Milwaukee creates.

I do have a little radio I can put in my car for the time being. But, maybe I'll go even further back from the radio and start buying the newspaper again. :-) Nah.

Lame Duck

I wish I could say I accomplished something significant today.
I cleared out e-mail that had piled up over a weekend away.
I edited a couple bulletins that didn't need much editing.
I made bulletins and prayers and lesson readings for 2 Sundays.
I cleaned up a bunch of candles.
I washed my alb.
I organized as much as I could for the time being for VBS.
I packed 3 boxes of books.

I'm a lame duck. I have 3 sermons yet to preach. Only 1 bulletin (and lesson sheet and prayer sheet) to prepare - the others are done. I have some visits to make, a week of Vacation Bible School to walk through (with the others who are mainly leading it), and not much else.

And, perhaps because I don't have a lot to do, I find myself fretting about things I can't do anything about. I'm worrying about timing and the sale of my condo and getting a new job. I'm worrying about how to move all of my things and whether or not I'll make friends in my new community.

I'm worrying because it's late at night. I'm worrying because I didn't exercise today and I didn't get much done today. I'm worrying because I don't have much to get done tomorrow. But mostly because it's late at night.

One day at a time. That's all I can do.

A Little Whine

Waiting is haaaard.

In the Meantime

The Knot tells me that P & I have 112 days until we are married. I have 51 days until my last day at my current call. Time is ticking by - sometimes quickly sometimes ooooh sooooo slooooowly. Of the things I can accomplish, they are getting accomplished. P & I are moving right along in our preparations for the celebration of our marriage. 

My condo is on the market. No bites in the 2 months it's been up, but other than continuing to keep it show-ready and analyze market and what I have it listed for - there isn't much I can do.

I've applied for a couple of jobs, but being the church-world, everything takes a long time. 

So, I wait. And, I try to move the things-in-which-I-have-any-ounce-of-control forward. 

In a brilliant move, P & I have schedule a number of fun activities (thinking we needed to make sure we didn't just become event planners). So, we are looking forward to a weekend at a B&B, a Cubs game, seeing Garrison Keillor at Ravinia, Violent Femmes/Avett Brothers/Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes at Summerfest, a Journey concert, and a few other events scattered in. P also has a few races scattered in there.

So, we're not just waiting. We're enjoying the "meantime" fully.

I realize that I have never posted a picture before. Partially, I think, because I started this blog with the hope of some anonymity. But, also because of technology and my reticence to spending time to figure it out. Here is a recent picture from one of our "in the meantime" activities - a Brewers game - with great seats!

 It was an enjoyable game in many ways....Brewers lost, but there were a lot of times they could have tied it up or come ahead - so fans were cheering. And, we got to witness a marriage proposal right below us.

Engagement

On November 18th, 2012, two years and10 months after we met, P asked me to marry him.
We were on our way to a Vegas vacation, and because I had bossily told him I didn't want to get engaged in Vegas, a proposal was not expected. But, he asked me. In his kitchen. The night before we left for Vegas. And I said Yes!

Since we returned from Vegas and up until December 22nd we were in Wedding-prep mode. We have a preacher, a church, a reception facility which includes the caterer, a photographer, and plans for dress shopping. I think we've been quite successful thus far.

But.

The last few days have not been about wedding plans or engagement. They have been about the 4th Sunday in Advent and preaching about Mary and Elizabeth while newborns and pregnant ladies graced every worship service. They have been about an somewhat unexpected death of a parishioner, ministering to her family, and funeral plans. They have been Christmas Eve: preaching, at-church celebrations, and celebrating with P's family. In all of these there has been very little wedding talk.

And. I've liked that.

P and I were able to just have fun with people at a cocktails and carols event and with his family. We weren't planning. We were just Being. Together. I wasn't trying to be this lady planning a big party, but the pastor - who preaches and presides and ministers to.

Because we've gotten some of the big things out of the way, I've been able to sink into Being. I'm sure there will be other times in the next 8 months that I'll be rushing around trying to get things organized. But, I do hope to be engaged in P and family and friends and work and fun - in addition to engagement itself.

Discernment

I thought a certain amount of discernment would be done by now. But, I sit here again, wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Work is fine. Nothing amazing. Nothing horrible. Except, I am feeling less and less called to what I am doing. I wonder about other ways my call to ministry can be lived out - but in my minimal searching in the last year have found nothing that inspires me.

Honestly, I'm going to take a chance and actually post this, even with the revealing questions here, partly because I figure someone else has to be asking them too, at least internally.

Does anyone else feel called to the work, but not the lifestyle? 
I'm a pk. I knew what I was getting into, but since the very beginning of my ministry I have struggled with the expectations of time and schedule. I knew what I was getting into, but I've been resentful of some of the very things I know other pastors take great joy in.

Does anyone else wonder about taking a break to try some other career? 
Only, as a break, with the option to return? (Obviously not to the current parish, but to parish ministry in general...without all the hoops.) I don't even know what I would be good at. I have some ideas of what I'd like to try, but I'm scared to look into any of them. How do I even begin to examine this?

Does anyone else feel the urge to be a valued member of a congregation rather than the leader?
I have some fantasies about that, actually. "Sure, Pastor, I'd love to fill in for your Confirmation class while you are on vacation. Yes, I would like to head up the service project that can be completed in a month. No, I'd rather not sit on the Stewardship Team, thank you." To be able to worship each week. To create church-based relationships that don't have the power differential of me being the pastor or as colleagues to one another.

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is God's call to me - a call that I can't see the entire picture of yet. I have been sitting at this place for a while, hoping for some clarity. Sometimes hoping that it would just go away so I could keep on keeping on. I've prayed - and prayed - and meditated - and prayed. I've talked with my counselor. But, I still sit with the question of what I am to be doing.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't make rash decisions.  And this won't be one either. I continue to pray for some direction, some clarity. And, while patience is not a strength of mine, I'll try to maintain it - and in the meantime, serve God where I am now, to the best of my ability.

But still.....

4+ Weddings and a Funeral

The title is not a movie, but my June. Also, not included at each occasion was a band of hipster-before-their-time British folk.

I sit here the day after my plans stop. I have just been striving to make it to June 26th and haven't looked forward at all. So, today is a day to start looking at what July and August might hold for me.

Three of the weddings were ones in which I officiated. All very different couples from one another. All happily happened. And, I'm glad my role is finished.

One wedding was for dear friends - I had a small, but upfront, role. It was a wonderful weekend to celebrate them. I wish I'd had more time to just settle into that fun. Finally, I joined P in celebrating with friends who were married in South America, but celebrating here.

The funeral - the reason for my post - was my grandmother. Irmgard Anna Elizabeth Knock Becker. So much of my memory of her was as sternish provider. I realized as we celebrated her life that I never doubted that she loved me and I never doubted that I loved her. It wasn't until these later years, however, that we spoke the words.

She was tenacious (which makes me proud to identify with her :-) ), she was faithful, she had strong opinions and shared them. She regularly served others without really talking about it much. And, she is the person who modeled regular exercise.

I have some key memories:

I visited during my first year of seminary (2001-2002). She was ironing and talking about lesbians. Yup. Lesbians. She said to me something like, "I don't understand it. But, I guess I don't need to understand it." I got the sense that she wasn't so sure of my sexual orientation (I'd never really talked about my dating life...partly 'cause I didn't have much of one), and she wanted to know that I'd be loved by her no matter what. I also think that she'd been thinking about it because of conversations happening through her church.

Two memories from being young: 1) Cousins were playing in the basement - with the pool table in particular. One of us decided it'd be a good idea to jam the pool cues into the ceiling tiles and make holes. I remember doing it a couple times. It was pretty satisfying - sort of like popping bubble wrap. She came down those stairs livid. I don't remember what she said or how she said it, but I remember going from a feeling of "hey, this is fun!" to "oh, Grandma's mad. This must have been bad."

2) She and Grandpa were in a car accident and her seatbelt, while saving her, also bruised her pretty badly. I remember being instructed not to make her laugh and being somewhat amazed at the fragility of my Grandma at that time. She had never seemed fragile before to me. I also remember that she would laugh and then wince.

Due to the nature of my job, I'm not able to get to the family Christmas gathering when all the cousins are there. So, I've made it a point to go and visit Grandma at another time. I started to appreciate these - usually Jan or Feb - visits a lot. One of the visits happened to be right after she got home from knee replacement surgery - and it was the first time that I really felt like I was allowed to help her out. It was an honor to get to - to help her with her physical therapy. To help get meals together. To chat with her throughout the day.

I got to see Grandma alive one last time - the day it was decided to not put the feeding tube back in. She'd gone into the hospital due to pneumonia and the day her discharge was being organized she had a major stroke. As I sat with her, as I saw her interact with people in her diminished capacity, I realized a sweetness that I've recognized at other times. But, I got to really think about that sweetness. It undergirded everything - even her opinions - even her tenacity - especially her faith and her care for her family.

Our phone conversations in the last few years were about the same things - the weather, her health, my busyness, my dad's church, the great-grandchildren - and her voice always held a sense of joy to it. It's that quiet, yet strong joy that I imagine her still holding on to as she is welcomed into the life everlasting.

Proof texting life.

I have recognized a trait in me recently that I don't like. Sometimes, when I'm talking through things with someone - trying to see a bigger picture - or find an explanation - I end up making a supposition boldly. Then, I try to explain it...pretty much proof texting life.

Maybe it's why someone has behaved a certain way. Maybe it's an explanation for why people relate to one another a certain way. Maybe it's naming a dynamic bigger than 2 people. Essentially, I make things up. Not in a mean way, but to try to understand it myself.

The problem isn't in the wondering, it's that I don't communicate (to myself or others) that what I'm doing is wondering, instead, I come off as declaring.

I've got this image that what I'm doing is creating a ball of explanation that I spit out with the intention of exploring it - maybe removing the parts that don't work - massaging it to be what might be right. But, instead of working with it, I set it down right away - look at it and say, "This is what it is." Then, try to attempt to make that make sense.

Perhaps this image isn't helpful to anyone but me (but really, who is this blog for?).

It seems to me that I'm getting more assertive and more declarative as I get older. I'd rather maintain my sense of wondering about - of exploring - of searching for what is truth rather than just declaring it (especially since so often lately I've been way off).

Deep down, this comes from a desire to be wise. And, I've been told I'm wise. While I know wisdom isn't in declaring that I know something, it's tempting because when I do hit the nail on the head, people recognize the wisdom.

This is a confession of sorts - with a hope that by confessing, I'll better recognize this before I say something. By confessing, I'll be able to change this piece that bothers me.

This Is For You

Tears welled up yesterday as I handed out bread to people who are slowly - oh. so. slowly - becoming mine.

It's one of the difficulties of transitioning to and associate position - there is another pastor who has been there for over 20 years. He is The Pastor. Certainly not an ego thing on his part, or something he strives to be over and above me. Never would I suggest that - or even think that about him. But, it is the reality.

Additionally, this congregation is much bigger. It takes longer to learn the stories of so many. It takes longer to have pastorly experiences with so many - not to mention so many who are upper middle class (to even whatever is wealthier than that). That fact sometimes exhibits the personality of not quickly sharing difficulty and heart ache.

And so - I was surprised yesterday as I started welling up while I handed out the bread. I was surprised by the importance I saw this gift taking in people's lives. I was surprised to recognize a love for them.

I also was surprised by the wonder I felt. It hasn't been the most spiritually connected transition. I haven't been at the edge of my rope very often - which is most regularly where I am immersed (necessarily) in the wonder of God.

I've been struck by the meal anew. I've been struck by the earthiness of it - the commonality of the elements - the work of creation that goes into it. I've been struck by the gift and they way in which that gift was and is given.

I really feel lucky. Not everyone gets to week after week hand out the body of Christ.

The Examined-(with no clarity)- Life

All in all, life is pretty good.

But, I'm not living a very forward-looking life.

I've so often had a plan. Every single time I've had a plan it's not gone quite as I expected....so rather than a train track with no option of meandering, I've been on what could be more easily likened to a deer path in the woods.

But, I'm currently in a place of unknown. I don't know what I want to work towards making happen. I'm feeling unsure of what I imagine for myself in a year, in 3 years, in 10 years.

I guess it's a one-day/week/month/year-at-a-time approach for the time being. With discernment being something I regularly attempt.

Path-o-logic

In the past months I have had more than the normal amount of time spent alone steering a moving vehicle. Between the driving to work and to and fro the Chicago-land area, and riding my bike, I have found myself with a lot of time to think about paths.

------

Part 1.

Sometimes, when driving through construction late at night, I get the feeling that I'm a vehicle in a video game. The reflectors along the barriers and on the road in front of me create an unreal feeling to what I'm doing. I make myself realize that I'm not in a video game, that if I were to crash my car it would be very real. (I still have moments of dread and fear when I remember the accident I was in last December.) But, the driving offers a sense of detachment.

I've appreciated that time of detachment when it's meant that I'm coming home from work. I've really not appreciated it when it means I'm leaving people I'd rather spend more time with. The amount of driving certainly lends itself to compartmentalizing, only my compartments are far, far apart from one another. When I lived 1/2 a mile from work, it was necessary to work at separating work and play. Now it is already separate. I write this mostly to note it. I don't have a judgement of it - or rather, I have many judgements, but they seem to balance themselves out.

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Part 2.

When I'm on the bike path behind my house, I sometimes look ahead of me and think, "oh my, it looks like it's uphill for a little ways."

I pedal.

I make it just fine.

When I turn around, I feel no real effect of a downhill.

Sometimes, it is to difficult to judge what the path is like when I'm looking ahead into the horizon. It might seem to be uphill, but perhaps it's not. Or, perhaps, it is slightly, but not in a way that I can't make it.

When I look too far out, my judgement of what is to come is blurred - seeming more difficult than it actually is.

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Part 3.

Also on my bike.

I only notice the wind when I am having to fight against it. I have to consciously think about the fact that the wind is propelling me when it is at my back. Hello faith/life-metaphor.

Second in Command

My heart is aching for a woman and her family in my congregation who have, within the last few hours, heard the devastating news that her 20-something son died this morning in a crash.

This morning, I announced three funeral services in the next two days. It seems like a lot, especially because two of the three were relatively young. And now, this one. The young man had joined our church last March.

I keep searching for news because I want more information about what happened. Not that more information would really help.

It's this strange thing where I'm the pastor of many of these people or their families, but not the pastor people expect to see or hear from in an emergency. I will call and offer condolences, but the one who is "on" in the moment of urgency is my colleague who has baptized, married and buried someone from most families.

I recognize that in this is my desire to do - something - anything - to help. That really, presence and promise, time and tears, hope and listening are what I will offer...but not as the first on the scene.

Putt Putt

I like puttering. When I have things I want to accomplish, but the deadline isn't urgent. When I can just slowly do one thing and then another and see some results, small results, but results all the same.

I got up early this morning to putter. Laundry, dishes, putting things away. But, I'm also going to blog and read a little bit.

Actually, part of puttering is that I don't always follow what I say I'm going to do. But, I'm usually doing something productive - like calling with an insurance question, like I just did in the middle of writing the blog.

Sometimes there is a thrill to high pressure - sometimes I can get much more done in that time, but I really prefer puttering.

Lists are helpful, but not always followed. Breaks sometimes occur spontaneously when I've thought of something I want to do. I move along slowly.

Putt....putt......putt....putt. What a nice morning.

Nothing to See Here

A while ago I asked for No Drama! And, I seem to have gotten what I asked for.

I'm not complaining - at all, I just don't always have a story to tell anymore.

It's nice, but it does keep me thinking.

Part of this no-drama-ese is caused because I am no longer the one in charge. I no longer have to make a lot of decisions. I no longer solely bear the weight and responsibility for a community. I even don't bear the brunt of this weight and responsibility.

I feel different because of this. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but I don't feel as vibrant or sharp - I don't have to be. At the same time, I physically and emotionally feel more solid, less anxious. Was I beginning to develop unhealthy co-dependant tendencies? I felt more alive when I was working my way through the muck of individuals, institutional and societal problems.

There are certainly parts of me that miss the intensity of what was. There are certainly parts of me that are grateful to no longer be embroiled in that intensity.

This doesn't make for a good story - but, it's currently a chapter in my story.

I do wonder what's being planted...what am I tending...what am I preparing for? We shall see....regardless of what it is, I still wouldn't mind NO DRAMA.