A New Energy

Today I have a new energy.
I'm ready to think about a work future and be creative and inventive about how to go about living in an unorthodox  - and perhaps an unofficial - call.

Having five months off has helped. I've gotten to become resettled in who I am and my own faith. I've gotten to make some big life changes: marriage, a move. I've gotten to rest.

Getting to preach and preside yesterday certainly helped. I felt rejuvenated in a desire to study, to question, to explore and to put together a message. I felt at home leading liturgy and listening to people.

But, it has been conversations, particularly with two women, that have ultimately encouraged me. One, a bishop's associate in this area, who pushed me to think about how I can be involved and invited me to consider an opportunity - promising there would be others when I decided I wasn't ready to drive over an hour to and from work. The other, my friend who can say the words, "I worry that you aren't allowing yourself to use some very important gifts."

So, here is my plan:
1) Read theologically for ½ an hour a day.
2) Set up a meeting with the bishop in this area.
3) Talk with one of my pastors, the one who is the dean of the conference, and ask for some insight in who I should make a special effort to connect with and indicate my interest in supply preaching.
4) Connect with those pastors.
5) Have coffee (again) with the woman in my area who has pulled this thing off. This time, ask for specifics.
6) Continue to apply for other jobs - hoping that I can also gain something in work outside of the church world.
7) Pray. Pray. Pray.

Applying in Boxes

Yes, I am enjoying not being a pastor for the moment. And, yes, I am really enjoying having more time and getting to putter about a lot. But - oh boy, is it difficult to look for work when you don't really know what you want!

Today was especially trying since to apply for one of the positions on my list I had to procure a college transcript (with it's own hoops and tape) and then, after a couple hours working on applying, discovered that because I didn't have three years experience with data entry I wasn't qualified.

I know that I want to make some kind of difference outside of my home. I know that I want to work primarily within the Monday-Friday work-day perimeters. I know that I have certain skills, but it's hard to translate my experiences into online job applications.

I am fortunate that there is no desperation to my search. It's a bit of a blow, however, to realize that if there was I might not be able to take care of myself.

In this too I am gaining what I have wanted to gain, though - an understanding of how this world works outside of the bubbles I've been inside. 

De-pastoring

It's been four months since I have been a parish pastor. If I would have taken a sabbatical (after 8 years of ministry, I am considering this time a bit of one), I would have either been a month back in (the 3-month variety) or be starting to look toward the end (the 6-month variety).

Either way, I don't think I would be ready to go back yet.

I miss some aspects of pastoring: having a regular work-place where I feel competent; the fact that it was my job to study scripture, not just a spiritual discipline; getting to be surprised by how God works through me as I am present in people's difficult life situations.

But, for the most part, I'm really enjoying this time away from that work. I wonder if that will change if I do actually find work in a different field.



Perhaps the best part for me has been the opportunity to worship again. And, the opportunity to explore scripture and faith because I want to, not because it's my job. I've been surprised at how wonderful it has been to arrive to church on Sunday mornings without a preconceived notion of what the sermon should be about because of the assigned texts. I've loved getting to really sink into the worship & listen without having to think about what is going to happen next. I've been fed by being surprised by a choral anthem or a baptism or other parts of worship where I am not needing to be mindful of the details.

There are a few things at the congregation I am attending that are not "my style" - communion is every other week (plus festival celebrations) and there is a regularly scheduled praise band...which was good (well-rehearsed, music that the congregation could sing with, good theology) the first time I heard them, but since has been less than inspirational.

And yet, I am finding grace in these things too. Amazingly, without too much work, I'm finding the grace of not having everything the way I want it to be.

And, I'm finding my place. I'm getting to be involved at church without being in charge. I'm getting to explore and dream about other ways I might want to be involved in the community (Community radio? Maybe. Actually signing up for NoNaWriMo. Even if I don't write a word, the dreaming has begun. A regular Tuesday night! exercise class. Spanish lessons - it's like I have other interests than work.).

I haven't figured this out yet, but my love of/for God feels deeper, stronger and less work. Maybe it's because I'm at the beginning of a new chapter - maybe it's because I have more time. But, I'm thankful for this feeling of deepening - of the fires of my faith being stoked. And, I'm a little sad that it has taken stepping away, in a sense.

I really do hope that I find something soon through which I can earn money, make a difference in the world somehow, and get out of the house. But, I am content with finding the ways of serving God and the world outside of paid parish ministry for now. As I looked toward this time in between, I wasn't sure if that would be the case.

Married!

We are married!

It's hard to believe all that was crammed into the last 5 days. Family arriving, golfing, rehearsing, fun time getting ready - hot, hot, hot pictures - the ceremony:

...and the reception:

And, today, P is back to work & I am back to.....well, cleaning up and looking for work. 

There were a few moments for nerves - the understandable walking down the aisle. I think we both got a little wobbly during the vows (and actually, the family blessing almost started my waterworks at the very beginning). We just beat a storm while taking pictures and I was a bit worried that others would be worried about us. But, those are the emotions and the stories that go with big, life-changing events.

We both had a blast, felt loved and supported, wished we could have had more time to talk with so many loved ones who came to support us, and we think others had a great time too.

Most importantly, we are united in love and marriage - blessed by God and loved ones.

I may have to write another post about the amazing people who helped to put this all together, but, for now I'm reveling in the emotions.

Blessings

I just received a card from a former parishioner that is loaded with emotion. Loaded because her husband entered hospice care the weekend that I left that congregation. He died about a month later.

The card was a wedding card, and the note enclosed was such a blessing. Her well wishes for a happy marriage. Her thankfulness for my time with them - both casual visits, and when they received bad news. That she misses me (as I do her),

When her husband was going through treatment they couldn't get out much due to the fear that he would catch something. So when I would visit, we would spend a long time visiting. She missed interaction - and she very much enjoyed hearing about the wedding plans. And, I enjoyed hearing about their lives - particularly their life together.

It is now 2 days before the wedding (2 days!) and things are pretty much under control. I have a few odds and ends I want to accomplish this afternoon, but nothing that would be terribly missed if I failed to do it.

My parents are on their way - my siblings will be flying in this evening - and P is finishing up his last day of work.

I'm nervous about a few things: what if I get really uncomfortable in the dress? What if I'm not feeling well that day? The dance.....we haven't practiced like we said we would. But, overall, I'm just excited!

And, I'm feeling blessed by the people the surround me near and far. The people who, even as they grieve, take time to write a card of well wishes and fond remembrances. The people who have let me know they are praying. My family and friends who are traveling to be here. P's family who have been welcoming to me and have made sure certain things are covered. And, mostly, that P is excited too! That he is as likely to say "so many days until we're married!" as I am.

As a pastor, I always said to couples "something is going to go wrong, but it'll be okay - the most important thing is that you'll be married." I've experienced groomsmen fainting, people really late, a super hot day in an non-air-conditioned church, a snow storm, family fights (though not in the service), forgotten rings, and other missteps - and that's just in the church portion of the day!

I'm looking forward to a day filled with love and laughter - some missteps - some things that don't go quite the way we expect - and in the end, a celebration that sends us off into a life that will be a blessing to each other and the world - until death parts us.

Happy

I am happy.

The Knot tells me there are 19 days until the wedding. I've moved from being terrified by how small the numbers are getting to being really excited.

There are things yet to do, but I get the luxury of not working right now, so I have no doubt that what needs to get done will get done, and what doesn't get done won't be a big deal.

I am happy.

I've got a great roommate ;-) and it's been really easy to live together. I've spend time today putting books in my new bookshelves. There are plenty more yet to place, but it feels more and more like home.

I am happy.

I'm not working, and I am enjoying that. I know I will need to soon, but I find myself getting back to who I am rather than preoccupied with what I need to do for others. My passions are making themselves known again....and right now that's fun. I'm trying to pay attention to what gets me worked up and how I might be able to channel that energy. It's been in justice related issues, not necessarily related to church.

I am happy.

I am continuing to enjoy my new church. I spent a week helping with the 3-5 years olds in their vacation Bible school. That was great fun, particularly because I wasn't needing to be there all day. And, it was fun to see the kids respond and learn and to get to know some of them. Each time I worship, I am finding moments of unexpected grace - today at soloist that was heartbreakingly good, and incredibly humble. A couple weeks ago, a baptism where I didn't have any of my own judgements coming in (because, yes - the baptisms I'm truly excited for are the ones in which I know that the promises made by parents and sponsors and congregation will be kept...and the ones where they won't be are sometimes painful).

I have learned that for the first time since I started communing, I am part of a congregation that does not commune every week. And, I'm trying to find the grace in that as well.

I am happy.

Today, after getting my church in, Pablo and I took a long bike ride. There happened to be a community festival 1/2 a mile from our turnaround point, so we went the 1/2 mile further and enjoyed a kids' talent competition and an ice cream cone before we headed back. I would not have had the energy for a 15 mile bike ride most Sundays - or other days, frankly.

I am happy. I am reconnecting with myself and what is important to me and what I can do.

Social Security

As I began seminary 12 years ago, I remember Dorothy, the person one talked to for financial aid and such at seminary, advising to maintain residency wherever it may be, if it was at all possible. I thought she was talking about the high cost of license plates/stickers for Chicago residence. I wonder if she was also talking about the rigamarole of becoming a resident of Illinois.

Proof of birth, something that shows your written signature, proof of social security #, 2 items that show proof of residency (bills, bank statements, etc).

I'm working on those proof of residency items, I have what I need for proof of birth and written signature, but I have not had my social security card for ages. 

I'm not actually sure when I misplaced it. But, I'm positive it was before 2001.  It is 2013 and I have not been able to locate my social security card since 2001. And, I haven't needed it. Until now. 

(So, obviously, the requirements of becoming a resident of Wisconsin are a bit less strenuous.)

So, yesterday I went to the Social Security Office with my appropriate papers and identification, waited just under an hour, and was easily helped. I'll have to go back again once my name changes post-wedding, post-honeymoon, but it was relatively painless.

But, I had a good amount of time to watch and observe. I sat among quite a large crowd of people who were there for much more urgent reasons than myself. People who were on disability or needing to prove that there was one more mouth to feed. People who were likely losing money sitting there. People who were (successfully & quietly) wrangling little children in a crowd of unknown people.

I watched at the security officer - who looked rather tough - calmly quieted people as they became agitated at the wait, and then made sure to help the same people as he saw their number was about to be called. He approached the deaf woman and spoke in sign language when her number was called. He communicated with people in English and Spanish. 

I watched adult children helping elderly parents, of all different nationalities. I watched parents of newborns protective and in awe of the babes in their arms. I watched a mother of a few kids watch carefully as her older (about 5 or 6 year old) son needed to use the bathroom - she sent him there, calling out to be sure he locked himself in. 

I was reminded, yet again, of the many hoops poor people have to go through to receive aid. I was reminded of the privilege that comes with having a job that is salaried, of having easy access to transportation, of being white. Perhaps there are some people that try to cheat the system...I know there are among the wealthy. But I wish people who believe our country is headed toward socialism (and think it's a bad thing) could talk to the people that were sitting in that room and hear why they were there.

Moving Slowly

Since my condo was put on the market four months ago, I have been slowly moving things to P's home. But tomorrow is the big move. Due to the number of times that we've gone back and forth to each other's homes, there isn't too much left - mostly just the big stuff. And, we've got some wonderful friends who are going to help us at each end.

I'm practicing calling P's home, "our home" - but it sometimes comes out "the house." P is working on clearing out things/making space and I'm working on integrating my things into what is already here. It helps that there have been many spaces that have remained empty - or barely filled.

However, in some spaces we're going to have to pull everything out and start over - especially in the kitchen once we also incorporate all of our wedding gifts. But, that will have to wait until after the wedding - and we are already dreaming of the garage sale we'll have next year once we've figured out all the things that we're really doubled up on and/or no longer need.

I unpacked my dry goods and spices yesterday and did my best to "marry" items like flour and sugar and find homes for the many spices that we have. We will have to figure out a better organizational system for those, but they all fit in the cabinet - messily so, for the time being.

I recognize that two people coming together with their baggage - literally and figuratively- is work. I know that creating a home will take more than moving all of my stuff in - but the work that goes into managing a home - paying bills, cleaning the crevices, making decisions on decor - will all come with time and make "the house" into "our home."

The End...Until the Sequal

5:45am, Sunday, June 30, 2013.

My last day as a pastor for the unforeseen future.
I'm up, drinking my coffee, knowing I need to get going, thinking about what is to be done today.

I am saying goodbye to a congregation and a call that has been fantastic and challenging - that has made me question what I am supposed to be doing....but any call would have done that - that has fostered me in what has turned out to be a transition time in my life.

I am saying goodbye today to some wonderful people. Some who give so much of themselves to issues of justice. Some who are so passionate about education. Some who are always thinking about the next kind thing they can do. I am going to miss many individuals. It is hard to say goodbye.

But, what I am also saying goodbye to is the identity of pastor - at least for a little while. And, I'm not sure how that is going to be.

I'm looking forward to being able to put my phone on silent for the evening. I'm really excited about becoming a part of a congregation without having to have any answers or to lead anything (for a while at least). I'm feeling a sense of freedom at having evenings and weekends as my own. I'm excited to take a class regularly because I can have a regular evening available. I'm interested to see how I might engage in further community issues with a little more time on my hands.

But, I wonder where and when I'll have theological conversations and opportunities to study the texts with others (whether other clergy or lay). I wonder what it will be like to not say, "The body of Christ, given for you," looking people in the eye every Sunday morning. I worry that I might never find another kind of work that fulfills me in this way (although, I have never tried). I wonder what I will miss the most: preaching, leading worship, getting to hear challenges of people's lives and talk with them about where God is, home communion visits, teaching Confirmation, working with faithful people dedicated to the message of Jesus Christ.

6:00 am, Sunday, June 30th, 2013. It's time for me to get in the shower. The beginning of what feels to be a momentous day in my life.

Overdrive

I've been in a bit of an overdrive. Moving from one big emotional thing to the next. Trying to juggle the emotions, the tasks, the schedule.

Last night, at dinner and later ping pong (yes, ping pong) with friends - two couples who are just getting to know each other through me - I found myself sitting back and taking it in. It wasn't that I was withdrawn, although I wonder if it appeared that way to others. I was sitting in thankfulness - for my friends and that they can have such fun with one another. For their wit, their kindness, their sense of humor and care for me. For my Pablo and his presence by my side. For my city that I am going to miss big time (but get to visit because it really takes the same amount of time as driving into Chicago).

Today, I get to experience A Prairie Home Companion live for the first time. At any other time in my life I would be giddy and preparing by reading up and looking into things about what was going to happen. And, I'm sure that 1/2 an hour before the show starts I'm going to be super excited. But, it's not time for that yet. I've got so many other emotions and events to get through today before that happens.

There will be a relief when all of the leave taking and the moving is finished. A relief because I will then have some time to sort through emotions - to dwell and process in ways other than writing repeated blog posts.

I am so blessed - to have all of these events and experiences happening. To be able to have these connections with dear people and places. To be able to look with anticipation to what is ahead. And maybe, that can be the feeling that encompasses all of the others - blessed. In the joy, in the thankfulness, in the sadness, in the overwhelmedness - I am blessed.

Business Appreciation

I was thinking about my next oil change. At the last one, they put in some kind of wonder-oil that needs to be changed every 9 months or 8,000 miles or so. Or, at least that's what the sticker says. And, after 3 months of driving, I'm only 1,000 miles from needing an oil change - so I've got an appointment set for next Friday.

I won't have hit the 8,000th mile (or the 9th month) by then, but  by the time I do I'll be in IL. And, I like the automotive place I found. I like the people and trust them. I'm sad to be leaving them.

I'm also sad to be leaving my massage therapist. She has a small office space nearby and is amazing. In addition to the fact that I think she and I would be friends if we met a different way, she is incredibly good at her craft - and not expensive.

And my dentists. Now, I ran into a little trouble at one point, because one of my fillings needed to be attended to 3 times, but they took care of it. They are friendly, good at what they do - and willing to share my info - unlike my previous dentist.

And my dermatologist. She is someone who gets right down to business. After my first couple visits I realized that I should just take all of my clothes off and put on the hospital gown because she was going to look anyway and I'd be stuck stripping in front of her - which is even more awkward than just being naked already. I went in with eczema on 75-90% of my body and through treatment with light and some topical medicine I am down to about 2%.

I'm going to also miss my gas station and my bank and my yoga studio/instructor.

It takes a while to settle into a place. It takes a while to find the businesses and people you trust with your car and your body and your teeth and your money.

Looking forward, I know there will be people in these various professions who I will trust with these things, and yet, I am so thankful for these people and entities in my life - all of them in these last 4 years.

By the Numbers

10 days until my last Sunday as a parish pastor (for a while).

16 days until I move all of my things out of my condo.

24 days until my dad has his last Sunday as a parish pastor (forever).

25 days until condo closing (if all goes well with today's inspection).

71 days until P & I are united as husband and wife.

The numbers are not all that important - except they do show the passage of time. It does feel like so much is flying by. Some things I'm just looking forward for them to be done, such as the move & the closing. Other things I can't wait until they get here, like the week with my family at the cabin (post-dad's retirement) and, of course, the wedding.

Life is changing quickly.

Taking Leave

It's almost 9:30 at night, and I have at least an hour of prep to put in, but I'm going to allow myself 10 minutes of writing - to process - to be in this time when it feels like I am moving from one big thing to another.

Last night was my last council meeting. It wasn't until about 1/2 an hour before the meeting that I thought there would be anything more than the simple "thank you" speech from the president on behalf of the council. Instead, our check in time, which is usually used to have everyone note how they have seen or experienced Jesus in the last month, was used to lift up memories or thank yous to me.

Specific sermon illustrations came out. People feeling warmly welcomed - a lack of anxiety - a sense of joy - around me. Creativity in worship and being able to play and try things out with the other staff members and being able to wrangle and organize 30 teenagers and chaperones. Compassion. The skill I have at delegation - and being able to hear criticism and respond to it constructively. The impact on the kids (younger than teenagers) and on the Confirmation program. Having a theological reason for everything I do (well, almost everything).

I felt a little embarrassed. But, I also felt incredibly supported and known.

It was only two days ago that this whole leaving thing really started to sink in. So, the emotions are just starting to hit me.

I've known I should be moving on - I've recognized that I've not been as called to this work in the last couple years - but saying goodbye is still incredibly emotional - perhaps even more so because I don't know when I will get to be Pastor Becker next.

Then, today, as I'm sitting in the Fellowship Hall waiting for the kids to arrive for the third day of Vacation Bible School, 4-year old Tyler - looks at me intently and says - "You're not going to be the pastor here anymore" in his sweet, four-year old voice.

"But....but, maybe when you are a pastor at another church you can think of us on Sunday when you go to church."

I start to respond but he continues,

"And, I will think of you when I come here on Sunday."

Oh. My. Heart.

Four years old with the wisdom of an 80 year old.
I might have startled him with my tears streaming down my face as I asked for a hug. But, he gave me one and we kept talking after that for a little while until it was time to collect myself and talk about Zacchaeus.

My 10 minutes turned into 15. Perhaps there will be more leave-taking stories to follow.

Housing Exchange

I signed a contract with a realtor on February 25th, which meant that my condo went on the market. I hadn't intended to actually get my condo on the market until April 1st - after Easter, but once I decided on which realtor I wanted to use, he had me sign some papers, took some pictures - and it was up.

Yesterday, an accepted offer was made and signed. (!!) There are still some steps - the inspection, the closing. I am going to owe a little, but it will be a manageable amount (likely close to what I would pay if I had to pay my mortgage and condo association fees in August).

It's a big sigh of relief. And, interesting to be in this process from this end.
All in all, really good for me, especially with all of the other balls that I am trying to juggle at this time.

There is, however, some sense of melancholy with this news. A sense of a time of my life ending - an experience where it was only up to me to make decisions and make things happen. I've been craving this end, and yet....

I celebrate these last 8 years of living on my own.
I'm proud that I have handled problems. That I have created 2 different homes. That I reached out when I needed help, and, with a deep breath made decisions when I needed to.

I'm proud of my condo with the lovely bamboo floors, the exploration with paint (mostly successful), and putting in a new dishwasher.

I am so very relieved that the condo is (probably) sold. It is one less big-life event to juggle. I am so excited for what is coming up in life.

But, I feel the nostalgia seeping into this time as well.

No News

My car radio is out.
Sometimes it kicks back in for a second or more after a bumpy section of the road, but for the most part I'm radio-less.

This is both good and bad.
At a time when it seems I'm constantly diverting my attention with some other decision to make, this gives me time in the car just to be (and drive attentively). It means that my mind has time to mull over things, to turn phrases, to pray without other diversions.

However, it also means I have no idea what is going on in the world. I actually hear about 10 minutes of NPR as I get ready in the morning. I sometimes listen to music at work. I get most of my news from the headlines on my e-mail's login page...but I've discovered that I usually only look there if I have already heard of a story.

In this instance, no news is really not good. I like to be informed - to have an idea of tornados that his Oklahoma and Cicada's that take over the East coast. I like to hear the stories NPR produces and the Community Moments that 88.9 Radio Milwaukee creates.

I do have a little radio I can put in my car for the time being. But, maybe I'll go even further back from the radio and start buying the newspaper again. :-) Nah.

Lame Duck

I wish I could say I accomplished something significant today.
I cleared out e-mail that had piled up over a weekend away.
I edited a couple bulletins that didn't need much editing.
I made bulletins and prayers and lesson readings for 2 Sundays.
I cleaned up a bunch of candles.
I washed my alb.
I organized as much as I could for the time being for VBS.
I packed 3 boxes of books.

I'm a lame duck. I have 3 sermons yet to preach. Only 1 bulletin (and lesson sheet and prayer sheet) to prepare - the others are done. I have some visits to make, a week of Vacation Bible School to walk through (with the others who are mainly leading it), and not much else.

And, perhaps because I don't have a lot to do, I find myself fretting about things I can't do anything about. I'm worrying about timing and the sale of my condo and getting a new job. I'm worrying about how to move all of my things and whether or not I'll make friends in my new community.

I'm worrying because it's late at night. I'm worrying because I didn't exercise today and I didn't get much done today. I'm worrying because I don't have much to get done tomorrow. But mostly because it's late at night.

One day at a time. That's all I can do.

A Little Whine

Waiting is haaaard.

In the Meantime

The Knot tells me that P & I have 112 days until we are married. I have 51 days until my last day at my current call. Time is ticking by - sometimes quickly sometimes ooooh sooooo slooooowly. Of the things I can accomplish, they are getting accomplished. P & I are moving right along in our preparations for the celebration of our marriage. 

My condo is on the market. No bites in the 2 months it's been up, but other than continuing to keep it show-ready and analyze market and what I have it listed for - there isn't much I can do.

I've applied for a couple of jobs, but being the church-world, everything takes a long time. 

So, I wait. And, I try to move the things-in-which-I-have-any-ounce-of-control forward. 

In a brilliant move, P & I have schedule a number of fun activities (thinking we needed to make sure we didn't just become event planners). So, we are looking forward to a weekend at a B&B, a Cubs game, seeing Garrison Keillor at Ravinia, Violent Femmes/Avett Brothers/Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes at Summerfest, a Journey concert, and a few other events scattered in. P also has a few races scattered in there.

So, we're not just waiting. We're enjoying the "meantime" fully.

I realize that I have never posted a picture before. Partially, I think, because I started this blog with the hope of some anonymity. But, also because of technology and my reticence to spending time to figure it out. Here is a recent picture from one of our "in the meantime" activities - a Brewers game - with great seats!

 It was an enjoyable game in many ways....Brewers lost, but there were a lot of times they could have tied it up or come ahead - so fans were cheering. And, we got to witness a marriage proposal right below us.