Two days later...

Here it is, two days later and although I'm exhausted, I feel like competent Pastor again. Over the course of Tues to Wed I worked a full 24 hours. Today was all about getting the newsletter out, getting the bulletin ready and now, finally, I get to work on my sermon.

I've learned it's better for me to leave the office when I want to write a sermon. I work better at my home office. It might be comfort level, it might be the lighting (I actually wonder if it's my keyboard at work that is difficult to type on), but I just am more inspired at home.

Two days later - I've had some deep conversations with some, been brushed off by others, helped plan a large event, visited a woman in a nursing home, met for a text study with other clergy, finalized some staff transitions and actually took some time to study the Bible. Two days later and I'm remembering what I'm doing here and why I'm doing it.

Phew!

If I were superstitious...

I would think it was me. As an intern people died either right before I was about to visit them or immediately after I did. Now, with as much as I can say about my situation - let's just say that there is a major staff rejuvenation in the works.

If I was superstitious I would think it was me. If I was egocentric I would thing it was me (phew, maybe I'm not as egocentric as I think). I know it's not me, but, as with the multiple deaths, I'm marveling at the timing. Marveling isn't quite the right word...but I'm too tired to figure out what is.

Following the same subject - work - I'm really having to learn how to draw my boundaries. Boundaries have often come very easy for me - but I'm finding it quite difficult as I feel continuously placed in the middle of situations that it's not necessary I be in. It takes so much more work to sit silent or redirect - making sure people are communicating with each other rather than it go through me. It would be so much easier if I just did everything - but I don't have that kind of time nor do I want that authority - nor is it my call. I am here to empower others. But it's hard to remember that when someone asks "What are you going to do about that?"

I'm exhausted and have cried more in the last two days than I think I have all year. I'm not exactly sure why - other than I'm not in control and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I continue to feel like I'm in the right place and that I am doing the work I am called to do. And, I have hope and trust that I will get to the point where this will come more naturally. (I also have some very good resources and outlets that I have begun to use - so I'm taking some good steps both professionally and personally, but it doesn't fix everything right away).

If I were superstitious I would believe my horoscope from Sunday (the day of my official installation as pastor of this church) that contained among the prophecy, "...it's not the best day to make a commitment or promise. Change is headed your way..." But, I'm not superstitious and I will follow through with those promises I made - but the only way I'll be able to is because of the second part of the phrase I used to promise - "I will, and I ask God to help me." I ask you to ask God to help me too.

Beautiful Katy

I suppose it's not fair that I get to keep my anonymous status and in a past blog I ratted out my brother, and here I'm going to rat out my sister.

My beautiful sis is pictured as one of the performers for the Minnesota Fringe Festival. Go to this link, click on Sunday, August 7th (it mentions the title of Katy's performance "We As Makers" in the description on that day). When the window comes up, rather than paging forward through all the people who aren't my sister, page backwards (the button in the upper left) 4 & 5 times to see Kates.

Where did I store that supply of anti-loneliness potion?

Yup, it's hit. I'm not mopey or feeling sorry for myself, but I am noticing a starkness to my life. I'm feeling lonely. I've got some friends here, and some plans to spend time with said friends later this week, but I am feeling that umph in the gut that craves being known and loved.

I think Sunday afternoons are especially hard, and I need to remember that. Sunday afternoon, after an intense morning, is the time when I want to be with people, but not have to expend much energy. I want to be comfortably in the presence of another. I want to easily pick up and go somewhere for dinner or entertainment without having to figure it all out myself.

I do like to spend time by myself - this afternoon I read the Sunday paper while I watched part of a movie on tv (Evita, which is why I turned it on, for the music. I kept it on because someone had mixed up the reels and the movie was in three parts. The station showed the third part first, then the second part, then the first part. It made me laugh). I read a book in this gorgeous weather. I talked to my mom and my brother. I contemplated shopping for a new bed, but decided I'd much rather stay on my deck reading that book, and I made dinner. Not a bad afternoon...but I do miss the comfortable familiar.

I know this will just take time. I am in the process of making friends with whom I will be comfortable, and I know that I will frequently get to see some other already close friends who are close by (as I did on Friday and had a fabulous time). But, this is where I am now, and it's hard.

F.R.s

A former roommate once lamented the fact that she really did not have any good nicknames that people used for her. I understand that lament. Nicknames denote a closeness, and have a story behind them.

Another former roommate and I share a semi-secret nickname that still stops me in my tracks when I hear it, in a good stop-in-my-tracks sort of way. It's an endearment, or at least it is said that way, and the word still surprises me and that it is used in context with me.

It surprises me so much sometimes that I am not sure how to respond - I just let the name wash over me and feel special.