Knocked upside the head

My congregation has a weekly soup kitchen. Lately I've felt reluctant to attend...and due to not feeling the greatest this afternoon contemplated skipping. I'm so glad I didn't.

It was a bit of a rough start because I had to have one of those sit-downs in order to iron out the juvenile temper tantrum by a member who is old enough to be....well, somewhere between my mother and grandmother. This conversation went longer than I had time for...but the temper tantrum is over (and has been moved past with fantastic results).

Anyway, that's not why I'm writing. I had some amazing conversations tonight. A family that used to attend regularly, but has been MIA for the last 4 months returned, only to say they are moving "up north" this weekend. I hope it's a good move for them. They don't have it easy here.

One of our "campers" was extremely agitated and one of the volunteers rushed over to get me. I sat down with her and learned that a man who had been rifling through her belongings last night came and sat down at their table as if nothing had happened. She was pissed - and scared. We talked for a while...going through feelings of anger, fear, excitement at a relatively new relationship, talking about how to appropriately deal with the anger (which she apologized for swearing and then went on to say in the same breath "but that da** mother f***er was going through my sh**). We talked for a long time with many hugs - and many tears. I went back to my dinner and watched her from across the room as she proceeded to calmly eat her meal, then, pick up her bag and go to another table where she joined other campers.

I had barely finished my 2nd bite of food when I was interrupted by the same man who the woman accused of rifling through her stuff. He knew me (I recognized him...but couldn't recall his name). He proceeded to tell me some of what's been going on with his life...including the job he lost, the plan to do a jobs program, that he's been drinking again (which anyone would have been able to tell), and that he lost his Bible. We talked for a long time and I think I played my role well...but I hadn't thought he would retain anything. And, he might not...but I overheard him telling the doctor (our congregation has just started hosting a monthly free clinic), "Did you know the pastor here is a woman? Before I met her I had never met a woman pastor. I don't usually listen to women. My mom, my sister, my girlfriend...I don't listen to any of them. But, she's a pastor, she's got authority. I've got to listen to her. And, she knows what she's talking about." Remember, he's drunk. I'm not delusional to think I've changed his life forever...but I sat in my office simultaneously entertained, honored, hopeful, and skeptical.

The next encounter I had was with a man who just needed to talk to for a couple minutes. He didn't want anything, but he lost his job last week (due to asking to switch his schedule because he is training for another job) and will start at that new job in two weeks. He said he'll be okay, but after next week things might be tight for a little while. I'm glad he told me...I asked him if he wanted to take any canned food tonight and he said "No, not now. I might next week though."

But, the topper? A "camper" who had been attending the summer Wednesday communion service (but not taking communion) came up to tell me that his been working through some of his thoughts about God - and that I and the congregation have helped him to feel God's love. He actually said "you show God's love to so many people." and "God's love shines through you and through the others who work here." He is someone who is always very authentic in who he is...or at least has seemed to be. He's planning to come on Sunday. He hadn't wanted to commune because he thought he couldn't put God's sacrament into his "unclean" body. (Meaning spiritually, not physically).

Tears keep welling up as I think of him. When he said he was wanting to come on Sunday I emphasized that he is very welcome to come - and is welcome to come to communion. I said, "we believe that we take communion not because we are clean, but so that we might be clean. Communion is given to us - and we ask God to work within us...it's assurance that God is working within us."

"That's the conclusion I came to." He responded. "See you Sunday."

Slump

Slump - it's how I'm sitting, it's what I feel my sermons have been in, it's what I feel I'm in. Even my plants are all slumping! Oh, maybe they just need water.

I have ideas. I have energy around these ideas. I just don't have energy around getting other people excited about these ideas. And, I'm feeling a scarcity of these people's time. It's not that people don't want to be committed. It's just there are other life situations that come in.

Man, now I'm just complaining. I have barely gotten back after vacation - I haven't taken the time to sit down and map out what I need to do. It's all possible - I just feel like I'm the one that needs to get organized before any of it happens.

I'm feeling lazy.

So I slump.

In the cups?

I love that as you drive through WI on I-90 and I-94 it's entirely possible to constantly listen to NPR. The stations' schedules may be entirely different and so you might very well listen to the same program two hours in a row - but for the most part it offers the opportunity to be an NPR junkie.

As I returned from a glorious vacation at my family cabin (that's what vacation should be - reading, sleeping, in the water, playing games, cooking, eating, chatting with loved ones), I heard on NPR that Milwaukee topped the Forbes list of "America's Drunkest Cities." Huh, I thought - not too unusual. I've often thought people drink here more than most other places I've lived....until I heard that Minneapolis-St. Paul was #2.

Yesterday morning, it was the front page article. And, wouldn't you know it - not only is Minneapolis-St. Paul second, but Austin, Texas is fifth and Chicago is sixth. So, other than college (which incidentally while I was there I heard a rumor that it was known as a great party college because of one weekend in the spring - not that I think it was considered that by most who attended), the only place that I have lived that wasn't included on the list was Tacoma.

So, according to this list, in order for me to round out the top six, I need to live in Columbus, OH and Boston. How's that for some direction?

Self-Centered

I had an interaction yesterday that bugged me. And, it was glaringly obvious that my role in the interaction was what bugged me. It was also glaringly obvious that the reason the interaction happened at all was due to the other person's insecurities.

I don't think it's always true, but I do believe that most of the time we like someone or something based upon how it makes us feel. If someone makes us feel intelligent or like we have worth, we appreciate that person. If we feel as if they don't really care to know about us we feel indifferent or even dislike him or her.

But, do those people that make us feel like they care really care? Or, are they just better at playing the game of schmooze.

I think I'm fairly good at the game of schmooze. I have begun to realize lately though, that I do disregard some people without really realizing it. I might be fully aware of the person, but choose not to put the energy into an interaction.

At some continuing ed in July I sat down next to one of my classmates and asked him how his week had been. Instead of answering my question he said "You want to sit next to me? I thought you didn't like me!" To be honest, I found some of his actions a little annoying, and I didn't fall into the youngish crowd's way of cliquishly doing things - so I may have avoided some of them. But, I had not consciously thought of avoiding him or whether I liked him or not. But, what did I communicate to him? I obviously communicated something that did not affirm him.

I wonder if I do this in my congregation as well. I've been thinking about how I make people feel.

A short fling

I have just experienced a short-lived relationship. I first developed a crush on this guy right after the toll just as you leave Illinois towards Wisconsin on 94. He passed me as I was about to pass the person ahead of me - and then - get this - he moved into the middle lane!

That's right - he was not a left-lane-lingerer.

Since he was moving about the same speed I wanted to go, I edged in behind him. Each time he passed a car he would return to the center lane - using that left hand lane as the passing lane (as it should be). I would follow behind him anywhere -

well, not quite. We parted ways because he insisted on going around the city of Milwaukee while I very much needed to go into it.

*Sigh*

He was cute and early-30s too.

Waging Tongues

Received an e-mail yesterday from someone who had been an intern at my congregation almost 30 years ago and who is now an assistant to a bishop in another synod that said "I hear you are doing great things at Unity." Received an e-mail today from a seminary professor that said "I have heard great things about your ministry." This afternoon I talked to an intern at another congregation in town who said "members of my congregation are friends with members of your congregation and they say that you are doing a wonderful job."

Why does all of this make me nervous?

I also feel some pride and encouragement with these declarations. But, it does make me wonder, "Who is talking?"

Frustrations & Guilty Feelings

Sometimes it just feels like all the chaos of the congregation I serve falls on top of me - and I can't handle it. At 6:45 tonight, it happened. The industrial freezer in the kitchen broke, the 2 people who are supposed to monitor the building during the Clinic (that just opened its doors) each had life situations that made it impossible for them to stay, the kids who are staying in our building arrived, almost all of the lights in both women's bathrooms were reported out, a few individuals from the soup kitchen "needed" to chat with me, and I was late in setting up our Wednesday communion service.

I was short with the soup kitchen volunteer who discovered the freezer and will need to call him tomorrow. He won't hold the grudge, but I still feel badly. I called the property chair and passed all the building stuff to him (who graciously arrived quickly - and he regularly repeats to me that he is there to support me), slipped out of the conversations with the soup kitchen guests, asked a soup kitchen volunteer to cover the office, and arrived at the worship service 2 minutes prior to 7, having found almost everything set up by the attendees.

Sometimes this job is just so heavy. And, I wonder how I'm supposed to move anything ahead when I'm frustrated by the amount with which I'm just trying to keep up.

I suppose I should take into consideration that I've had two key funerals, a wedding and a renewal of vows all in the last week. I suppose I should take into consideration the fact that the last full day I had off was July 4th. I suppose I should take into consideration that some very good things have happened in the last few days - some good things in which I've had key roles.

I have vacation coming up mid-August...and again early October. I'm counting down the days. (14)