Integrity's Downfall

I'm pretty good at faking it 'til I make it. When I took piano lessons as a youth I never practiced - I sight read at my lessons. (How much better I would have been had I practiced!) Sometimes my piano teacher caught on, but other times I was able to fool her. This ability is partly why I've survived (and dare I say - succeeded?) this year.

Integrity is important to me. I want to be true to myself and others. I want to be fully who I am - in fact that is why I sometimes think I'm not so good at telling stories. I second guess my facts out loud as I go: "I flew into Minneapolis on Sunday...or maybe it was Monday...and as I went through the metal detectors the alarm went off - because of my shoes - is it the toe or the heel? And the customs agent - or what is their title? - well, the guy there - just waved me through."

So - that's made up (I must say so that no one thinks otherwise). But, it's like I have my own conversation with myself as I go. There is something in me that says "You must get the facts straight!"

(That brings me to an aside - as an Resident Assistant (RA) in college, the staff of my dorm took the Myers-Briggs personality indicator (or whatever the correct name is) and a favorite quote of that year came as I noticed one of my colleague's results were incredibly high in each of her areas and I exclaimed "You are so much what you are!" I want to be so much what I am, I guess - whatever that is.)

So, bring that in to last night. I was invited to a "woman's dinner and conversation" by an ecumenical colleague of mine. Many, but not all, of the other women there are in some form of chaplaincy ministry. There were also others who had other passions and roles in life - but ministry talk invades a room if each person is not diligent in keeping it out. I was the youngest by far, and while I was warmly welcomed and included, I felt disconnected.

I believe there was some intentional space creating last night - so as to lead to an elevated experience. A celebration of women. A time to share in the wonder of being strong and female. And it felt FALSE.

Oh, I was able to fake it for some of the time, but I started hating myself for letting go of my integrity of sharing emotion. It would have been just plain rude if I had shared what I was thinking...but I didn't have to play along as much as I did - I could have kept silent more than I did.

When we were to go around the table sharing "how we came" I did so. When we were to go around (again) sharing what we were taking with us, I did so. I shared stories - stories that were not completely true. I even jumped in on the eye-roll worthy poem the host had us create together (and - I love poetry...so it wasn't that it was poetry - just the theme that was eye-roll worthy). I was able to play the game of that night (participating in the false atmosphere). But, I don't feel good about it.

I did have a lovely time talking to some of those women and finding out about them. I would very much enjoy further conversation with them. But, I would need to find some way of standing with my integrity of what I feel the power of women is versus what we were celebrating as the power of women. It's a generational thing, I know. I would bet that some of the other women were profoundly moved last night.

I just wished I had been more myself - rather than faking it.

Mixing it up

So far, in my 8 months on the job, I have only twice received non-emergency type phone calls at home. I take that back, I have received a couple phone calls from people I asked to call to let me know that they received my message (ie. like the person who picked up the sub sandwiches for last week's council retreat). But, up until this morning I've not had too much of an overlap of off time and work time.

I got going this morning rather early. Well, I guess that depends on your definition of "got going." My "got going" meant that by 8:30am I had already made coffee as well as a new playlist with the music on my computer. Not necessarily a high-importance "got going," but I was doing more than laying like a log in bed.

And so, by the time the first phone call came this morning - at 9:15 - I had already started some laundry, eaten breakfast, and was in the middle of the movie section of the paper. A phone call by the very excited great-grandparent of the baby to be baptized on Sunday (the baby's mother called me yesterday saying that she'd like to talk about publicly affirming her faith, ie. confirmation). So, this great-grandmother was very excited because she wants to bring flowers. Ok, we figured out who would be at church on Saturday with a key to get to the vases. Check.

Strange, I thought. But, not too strange. Just an excited great-grandmother.

So, when 5 minutes later the phone rang again, I expected another questions from the same woman. Well, the not-very-grandmotherly voice (considering it was male and much younger), asked for Pastor Amused. I though - uh-oh...someone died.

No, it turns out that I accidentally gave my home number instead of the church number to the youth mission trip organizers that may be using our church building this summer to house kids. Now, I've known that I walk the line sometimes between confusing home things and work things. I mean, how many times have I tried to open my apartment door with my church key?

But, to give out my home phone number - when I fully intended to give my church number - geez! My home number is out there - obviously. And, I would hope that people have it for those times when someone unexpectedly goes into the hospital or dies. But for paperwork crap? Not necessary.

Well, it all works out alright. Because I needed to make sure I remembered to call said mission-trip-organizer a call, I called the church to leave myself a message. And, surprisingly someone picked up. It was the woman who I was going to ask to get the flower supplies ready - and the person who I've asked to check to see if she had supplies for this Sunday's children's sermon.

So, flowers are taken care of. Message regarding hosting the church is taken care of. Children's sermon is taken care of.

For it being my day off, I've sure accomplished a lot. O well - pure frivolity (well, in the form of taxes, more laundry and the gym...but I'm seriously considering buying an I-Pod today) the rest of the day.

Mistake Magnified

I've had a good pastoral week. I led a very positive and well-received retreat today. I've got some good stuff going on tomorrow. But there is a major mistake in the bulletin and I'm frustrated by it. It's a new Hymn of Praise that the organist and I are introducing, and it is not right in the bulletin. ARRGH!

It seems that much worse because there are 125 copies of it floating around.

Shared Interest

I feel boring. I'm not bored. I just feel boring.

It feels like the interesting things that happen in my life are things that I can't talk about. And, the things that I can talk about aren't so interesting.

Some part of it is probably that lately the most interesting things have had to do with work, and even if they aren't confidential, then they certainly aren't interesting to other people.

While I'm not sure that I want too much to happen to make me interesting, I just want to be able to share what is already interesting about me - and I'm not sure how to do that.

Well, how's that for talking in circles?

Mooney

The moon is striking tonight - a gift to those who might take advantage of the unseasonably warm weather on this traditionally romantic evening. Big, full, yellow, low in the sky. It seemed like a moon from an entirely different season - like it should have been an indicator of late September or early May.

I'm intrigued by the pull of the moon. Yesterday was one of those days that all sorts of things happen out of the ordinary. Multiple incidences that required firmness and calmness. Everyone just seemed to be ancy and ready to jump out of their skins. And I don't work with nearly the population that I did at the homeless shelter!

Today, I caught it a little, quickly losing patience with people and inanimate objects alike. It was also a day to not accomplish much. Oh well - in some ways that means that when I come home with goals to do laundry and go through my papers I am ready to do it - because then I can at least accomplish something.

Less of a Tease

This upcoming weekend I will have two first dates - both for coffee - both at the same local coffee house chain, although different locations. At one time it was possible that they would both have been on the same day. Other than that - I think they are both completely different guys.

This isn't a tease, but I don't really want to go into a ton of detail. So - these are the facts. My feelings on this, though, are mine.

A teaser

This weekend gives hope that perhaps my profession and my attached (or non-attached) status may not be completely at odds with each other.

And that's all I'm going to say for right now.

Publicly Private

Since it's a day with few demands (see previous post), I get time to really think. I recently described the beauty of my job as that for people in difficult situations I represent hope and comfort - not because of what I say or do, but because of the role I've been given. This means that when I even just call someone on the phone, there's another presence with us, because a recognition of God is understood (even if I don't say anything). Not that the divine isn't with us when I call up a friend who doesn't see me as pastor - but when I'm that role, that recognition is a bit clearer.

But, that adds another complication - because even though it's not about what I say or do, it is possible for me to represent the downfall of contemporary religion. So many people have been hurt by superhuman expectations and by corruption. So many people have been turned off by piety and hypocrisy.

I think about the choices I make outside of my role as pastor. I don't usually think about "representing" the church and denomination that I do - I just live as I think is important. But, if I royally screwed up, it would hurt more than just the immediate people involved. It's just a matter of determining what "screwing up" is.

I don't toss and turn at night worrying and wondering about my actions, but I do like to ponder this public life that I am living and how my private life might sometimes need to take precedence.

Positively Boring

Mmm, an entire day ahead of me with no schedule, expect to get done the things I want to do.

I've written about seven different things here that I then re-read and discover are completely boring.

I like that I'm boring today - yay!