This Is For You

Tears welled up yesterday as I handed out bread to people who are slowly - oh. so. slowly - becoming mine.

It's one of the difficulties of transitioning to and associate position - there is another pastor who has been there for over 20 years. He is The Pastor. Certainly not an ego thing on his part, or something he strives to be over and above me. Never would I suggest that - or even think that about him. But, it is the reality.

Additionally, this congregation is much bigger. It takes longer to learn the stories of so many. It takes longer to have pastorly experiences with so many - not to mention so many who are upper middle class (to even whatever is wealthier than that). That fact sometimes exhibits the personality of not quickly sharing difficulty and heart ache.

And so - I was surprised yesterday as I started welling up while I handed out the bread. I was surprised by the importance I saw this gift taking in people's lives. I was surprised to recognize a love for them.

I also was surprised by the wonder I felt. It hasn't been the most spiritually connected transition. I haven't been at the edge of my rope very often - which is most regularly where I am immersed (necessarily) in the wonder of God.

I've been struck by the meal anew. I've been struck by the earthiness of it - the commonality of the elements - the work of creation that goes into it. I've been struck by the gift and they way in which that gift was and is given.

I really feel lucky. Not everyone gets to week after week hand out the body of Christ.

The Examined-(with no clarity)- Life

All in all, life is pretty good.

But, I'm not living a very forward-looking life.

I've so often had a plan. Every single time I've had a plan it's not gone quite as I expected....so rather than a train track with no option of meandering, I've been on what could be more easily likened to a deer path in the woods.

But, I'm currently in a place of unknown. I don't know what I want to work towards making happen. I'm feeling unsure of what I imagine for myself in a year, in 3 years, in 10 years.

I guess it's a one-day/week/month/year-at-a-time approach for the time being. With discernment being something I regularly attempt.

Path-o-logic

In the past months I have had more than the normal amount of time spent alone steering a moving vehicle. Between the driving to work and to and fro the Chicago-land area, and riding my bike, I have found myself with a lot of time to think about paths.

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Part 1.

Sometimes, when driving through construction late at night, I get the feeling that I'm a vehicle in a video game. The reflectors along the barriers and on the road in front of me create an unreal feeling to what I'm doing. I make myself realize that I'm not in a video game, that if I were to crash my car it would be very real. (I still have moments of dread and fear when I remember the accident I was in last December.) But, the driving offers a sense of detachment.

I've appreciated that time of detachment when it's meant that I'm coming home from work. I've really not appreciated it when it means I'm leaving people I'd rather spend more time with. The amount of driving certainly lends itself to compartmentalizing, only my compartments are far, far apart from one another. When I lived 1/2 a mile from work, it was necessary to work at separating work and play. Now it is already separate. I write this mostly to note it. I don't have a judgement of it - or rather, I have many judgements, but they seem to balance themselves out.

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Part 2.

When I'm on the bike path behind my house, I sometimes look ahead of me and think, "oh my, it looks like it's uphill for a little ways."

I pedal.

I make it just fine.

When I turn around, I feel no real effect of a downhill.

Sometimes, it is to difficult to judge what the path is like when I'm looking ahead into the horizon. It might seem to be uphill, but perhaps it's not. Or, perhaps, it is slightly, but not in a way that I can't make it.

When I look too far out, my judgement of what is to come is blurred - seeming more difficult than it actually is.

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Part 3.

Also on my bike.

I only notice the wind when I am having to fight against it. I have to consciously think about the fact that the wind is propelling me when it is at my back. Hello faith/life-metaphor.

Second in Command

My heart is aching for a woman and her family in my congregation who have, within the last few hours, heard the devastating news that her 20-something son died this morning in a crash.

This morning, I announced three funeral services in the next two days. It seems like a lot, especially because two of the three were relatively young. And now, this one. The young man had joined our church last March.

I keep searching for news because I want more information about what happened. Not that more information would really help.

It's this strange thing where I'm the pastor of many of these people or their families, but not the pastor people expect to see or hear from in an emergency. I will call and offer condolences, but the one who is "on" in the moment of urgency is my colleague who has baptized, married and buried someone from most families.

I recognize that in this is my desire to do - something - anything - to help. That really, presence and promise, time and tears, hope and listening are what I will offer...but not as the first on the scene.

Putt Putt

I like puttering. When I have things I want to accomplish, but the deadline isn't urgent. When I can just slowly do one thing and then another and see some results, small results, but results all the same.

I got up early this morning to putter. Laundry, dishes, putting things away. But, I'm also going to blog and read a little bit.

Actually, part of puttering is that I don't always follow what I say I'm going to do. But, I'm usually doing something productive - like calling with an insurance question, like I just did in the middle of writing the blog.

Sometimes there is a thrill to high pressure - sometimes I can get much more done in that time, but I really prefer puttering.

Lists are helpful, but not always followed. Breaks sometimes occur spontaneously when I've thought of something I want to do. I move along slowly.

Putt....putt......putt....putt. What a nice morning.

Nothing to See Here

A while ago I asked for No Drama! And, I seem to have gotten what I asked for.

I'm not complaining - at all, I just don't always have a story to tell anymore.

It's nice, but it does keep me thinking.

Part of this no-drama-ese is caused because I am no longer the one in charge. I no longer have to make a lot of decisions. I no longer solely bear the weight and responsibility for a community. I even don't bear the brunt of this weight and responsibility.

I feel different because of this. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but I don't feel as vibrant or sharp - I don't have to be. At the same time, I physically and emotionally feel more solid, less anxious. Was I beginning to develop unhealthy co-dependant tendencies? I felt more alive when I was working my way through the muck of individuals, institutional and societal problems.

There are certainly parts of me that miss the intensity of what was. There are certainly parts of me that are grateful to no longer be embroiled in that intensity.

This doesn't make for a good story - but, it's currently a chapter in my story.

I do wonder what's being planted...what am I tending...what am I preparing for? We shall see....regardless of what it is, I still wouldn't mind NO DRAMA.

Party Politics

I believe I was in 2nd grade in the fall of 1984, when the presidential race was between Walter Mondale and Ronald Reagan. Each class voted, and I was aghast to learn that not only did the majority of my elementary school lean right - at least when it came down to Mondale vs. Reagan - but so did my best friend. (I do recognize now that MN was the only chance that Mondale carried anyway - and barely, even though it was his home state).

I'm not sure it was with great intent by my parents, but I was certainly taught from an early age that the Democratic party was the one who regularly had candidates that were the "good" candidates. It became a running joke that the candidates to vote for were the ones who were running against the people whose campaigns signs were in my neighbor's yard. I grew to have major assumptions about people who supported Republican candidates. When my senior English teacher somehow made it be known that she was Republican, I'm pretty sure I responded, "But, teachers are supposed to be Democrats!" At least in my head I responded that way.

College brought me into contact with more people who surprised me with their political leanings...but they were from North Dakota, or small towns. They just hadn't yet learned any better, I decided and judged. And, perhaps I was right in some cases.

But then, following college, I became immersed in liberal - even radically liberal - do-gooder communities. I loved that. That was home. But, it continued to verify to me that Democrats = good, Republicans = bad, or at least misguided.

Now I find myself living and working in the most Republican county in the state. It means some of my neighbors and congregation members have as many strong beliefs and prejudices about those liberal Democrats as I do about Republicans. It's not unusual for me to be on the edge of a conversation at church where people are mocking the existence of global warming, or to receive e-mail forwards from parishioners blasting health care or promoting distrust in Obama. For the most part, these huge statements have either surprised me too much to respond appropriately, or they have not been in contexts where I could easily respond. I'm still figuring that out.

Through the wonders of Facebook, I am sometimes able to tell who associates themselves with which party, and I have regularly been surprised by recognizing people that I thought were of a similar framework as myself associating themselves with the Republican party. I must interject that I have long recognized that I can love people who are Republican - 3 of my 4 grandparents, some other family members, friends, etc. But, these loved ones haven't stopped me from having preconceived notions about those from "the other side."

Last night I got into an incredibly interesting conversation with a couple who I know are Republican. But, it was a conversation not so much about party politics, but about value and hardship and limited resources in inner city schools. I was amazed to hear their point of view was similar to mine. It was one of realism, compassion, a recognition of a broken system, of systemic oppression. I was impressed.

They have no idea I know they are Republican. I'm not sure if they have an idea of where I fall. But, as I sat there in the conversation I realized that I had underestimated them, simply because of a label. I have been underestimating many in my congregation, simply because of an income bracket or a political label. I've recognized intelligence, but not compassion.

This actually makes me more excited to do my ministry. I obviously still hold my beliefs - my prejudices and assumptions - those haven't been broken open by one conversation. However, I am feeling more hopeful about how people will respond to a call to justice - I'm feeling more hopeful for what my work is and my effectiveness. I'm feeling hopeful that my assumptions may not be the end of the story.

(B)Logging

It's time I blog again. I've not had much motivation to blog. I don't have much that I'm needing to process - at least not in writing. Or, I'm getting that writing processing in other ways. But, there are a few reasons for me to blog right now.

1) As with journaling, I think it's important to log the times that are low drama - the times that aren't needing processing - just as much as the high drama - high, need of processing times.

2) I'm enjoying reading the blogs of friends who have continued or recently picked up blogging again.

3) My brother commented that I hadn't blogged recently :) If someone, especially my brother, comments, it gets me thinking about what I might want to say.

4) I'm currently sitting on hold on the phone with a wait time of 20 minutes.

That which should be logged includes both work and play. Work is going well. I'm continuing to grow into this role. I'm starting to be more challenging in sermons and Bible Studies. I'm still feeling like I'm growing into the role more than growing in general, if that makes sense. I always think new roles have a high learning curve of the people and place right at the beginning. While that certainly contains a degree of growth (and that growth - of learning the people and place - is usually what people recognize as growth because they note how things begin to be tailored to their situation more), it's not the kind of growth that I'm ultimately wanting to gain in this role. That growth - of learning about a larger church - about team ministry - about how to not micromanage - is happening, but the other kind of growth needs to happen first - or at least to be the priority - if I'm going to get the most out of the other kind of learning.

But, I'm feeling like I'm given both responsibility and flexibility. I feel respected and accepted. I feel like I fit what I'm supposed to be doing and am doing what I enjoy. I am happy. There is still the challenge of managing time to an appropriate level - but I think I'll always have that pull as long as I continue in this field - or any field that isn't simply a 9 to 5. And when have I ever considered a 9 to 5?

I've always been conscious of the work and home/play balance, but I've had even more of a pull to not over-work this past month because of a relationship with a wonderful man that has been developing. I don't intend to go into great detail in this format about him or our relationship, but I am happy and myself with him.

Finding time with friends is a bit of a challenge, but it has always been - and a bit more so once I moved and switched days off. I'm grateful for friends - both clergy and not - who "get it" when I can't stay out late on a Saturday night. Who I'm able to pick up easily with after not being with them for a month or two - or more.

So, that's my log. Things are going well. I am challenged and accepted - having fun, finding time to go deep with people. I am happy.