I really enjoy living alone. I've had some great roommates (and I don't just say that because Belle and Meckhead will read this, but because it's true - they're amazing!). But it's nice to have my own place, to know that I can come home and be a hermit, or leave the dishes in the sink, or clean something spotless and know it'll stay that way until I dirty it. I really enjoy living alone, but everything is good in moderation.
I have a roommate for 7 weeks this summer. A friend of my sister's is taking an intensive graduate program (her MFA - Masters of Fine Arts) - and is in the 1st summer of the program. She moved into my spare bedroom a little over a week ago and I am so glad that she is here.
It was nice as I heard of my grandpa's death and then leaving in a hurry for the visitation and funeral, to know that someone was here and would be here. It's been nice on the day-to-day to know that my house will not be empty when I come home. We have fun together and talk easily with one another.
Of course, there is the perk of the food. My new roomie loves to cook - and bake. It's a great deal, really, 'cause I don't mind the cleaning up. Plus, since she's vegetarian, and her profession requires care for the body, much of the food she makes is loads healthier than what I would make. Except for the cake.
And that's what I had for dinner - cake with delicious chocolate frosting. And a good sized glass of milk. This roommate thing really has its perks!
Monday, June 26, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Oxytocin and Grief
Sometime I need to keep track of phone calls from friends. Not necessarily who calls and why, but the patterns and times. I've wondered for some time if my friends all had some secret spidey sense that told them they should call me because often I'll go a couple of weeks without a call and then in three days I'll hear from 8 friends. It's not like it only happened once or twice - this has been a fairly regular pattern.
In today's "Lifestyle" section of the paper there is a rather long article originally from the Los Angeles Times entitled "The resilient sex gets boosts from biology, behavior" talking of women's biological and sociological aptitude for caring for oneself and each other. (Strange that this article is on Father's Day - the entire rest of the paper seems to be about people's relationships with their Dads). Here's an excerpt:
"The female instinct to call in the helper troops, that network of girlfriends, sets up a chemical cycle unique to women. When females fee stress, Taylor (a social neuroscientist from the University of California - LA) says, the hormone oxytocin is released. That encourages them to protect the kids and start the telephone tree. Contact with children or friends releases more oxytocin, further calming them and everyone around them. The hormone works better at reducing stress for women, Taylor says, because estrogen apparently enhances the action of oxytocin, while testosterone seems to reduce its effect."
I want to keep tract of those phone calls because I almost wonder if there isn't something else - some sense of connection when people are thinking of someone or need a friend.
This week was one of those weeks with lots of calls. And, I am glad to have had them - because it meant that I went into Saturday night and Sunday with more strength and I suppose more oxytocin. You see, my grandpa died peacefully last night at 9:30pm. And, even though I haven't called to specifically tell anyone about it, I feel supported by those friends who I've talked to in the last week or so.
My grandpa was ready to go - he really didn't wake up the entire day yesterday. And not only do I firmly believe he is with God, but he believed it too, and was eager for it.
I'm sad, and I cry a bit because it means that life will change and I will miss him. But, I know that my family will be okay - that my grandma will be okay - she is an incredibly capable person - and has a good network of family and friends.
And, I'm glad that I have a good network - surrounding me in thoughts, prayers and the occasional phone call.
In today's "Lifestyle" section of the paper there is a rather long article originally from the Los Angeles Times entitled "The resilient sex gets boosts from biology, behavior" talking of women's biological and sociological aptitude for caring for oneself and each other. (Strange that this article is on Father's Day - the entire rest of the paper seems to be about people's relationships with their Dads). Here's an excerpt:
"The female instinct to call in the helper troops, that network of girlfriends, sets up a chemical cycle unique to women. When females fee stress, Taylor (a social neuroscientist from the University of California - LA) says, the hormone oxytocin is released. That encourages them to protect the kids and start the telephone tree. Contact with children or friends releases more oxytocin, further calming them and everyone around them. The hormone works better at reducing stress for women, Taylor says, because estrogen apparently enhances the action of oxytocin, while testosterone seems to reduce its effect."
I want to keep tract of those phone calls because I almost wonder if there isn't something else - some sense of connection when people are thinking of someone or need a friend.
This week was one of those weeks with lots of calls. And, I am glad to have had them - because it meant that I went into Saturday night and Sunday with more strength and I suppose more oxytocin. You see, my grandpa died peacefully last night at 9:30pm. And, even though I haven't called to specifically tell anyone about it, I feel supported by those friends who I've talked to in the last week or so.
My grandpa was ready to go - he really didn't wake up the entire day yesterday. And not only do I firmly believe he is with God, but he believed it too, and was eager for it.
I'm sad, and I cry a bit because it means that life will change and I will miss him. But, I know that my family will be okay - that my grandma will be okay - she is an incredibly capable person - and has a good network of family and friends.
And, I'm glad that I have a good network - surrounding me in thoughts, prayers and the occasional phone call.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Perspective from the Pew
Just got back from my 1st-year review with the call committee, the council and the assistant to the bishop. And, I needed that to help put things in perspective.
What I got from it is that people aren't seeing all of the effort I put in because it seems that what I'm doing comes naturally. People haven't thought that my sermons have gone downhill since Lent...it's just what I think. People in fact think they can see a steady improvement. Huh.
And, they think I've been wonder woman and gotten things in order. Because people are working together and are feeling like we're doing something good. Because the building is being used and more people are coming to worship.
It was good for me to share with them, though, that I'm not as confident as I come across. It was good for me to share with them that I'm not sure what people are getting from my sermons because often people don't comment and when they do it's "good sermon" with no elaboration on the message. It was good for me to hear that I could be even more pointed and push them more - and that some of them, at least, would appreciate it - and that they would all back me up...maybe not so much in the issue, but that it is my role to do so.
The comment that made me smile the most came from one of council members reconnaissance missions as he overheard some members talking about me and jotted a few notes. They mentioned that they like my singing voice and that my sermons are to the point, but one comment was "She really listens...she doesn't always agree with you, but what can you expect?"
I am thankful that someone at least feels heard. Because I wonder as I dash around and try to juggle everything, as I get frustrated and impatient - I wonder how to give the appropriate time to things and if I delegate my time appropriately.
And, I'm glad that they know I'm going to speak my opinion. Even if it is different than their own.
What I got from it is that people aren't seeing all of the effort I put in because it seems that what I'm doing comes naturally. People haven't thought that my sermons have gone downhill since Lent...it's just what I think. People in fact think they can see a steady improvement. Huh.
And, they think I've been wonder woman and gotten things in order. Because people are working together and are feeling like we're doing something good. Because the building is being used and more people are coming to worship.
It was good for me to share with them, though, that I'm not as confident as I come across. It was good for me to share with them that I'm not sure what people are getting from my sermons because often people don't comment and when they do it's "good sermon" with no elaboration on the message. It was good for me to hear that I could be even more pointed and push them more - and that some of them, at least, would appreciate it - and that they would all back me up...maybe not so much in the issue, but that it is my role to do so.
The comment that made me smile the most came from one of council members reconnaissance missions as he overheard some members talking about me and jotted a few notes. They mentioned that they like my singing voice and that my sermons are to the point, but one comment was "She really listens...she doesn't always agree with you, but what can you expect?"
I am thankful that someone at least feels heard. Because I wonder as I dash around and try to juggle everything, as I get frustrated and impatient - I wonder how to give the appropriate time to things and if I delegate my time appropriately.
And, I'm glad that they know I'm going to speak my opinion. Even if it is different than their own.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
More on eyes and grandpas
My eye is indeed black. After the puffiness went down, I've got a nice black streak underneath it. Fortunately, my glasses help to disguise it.
This morning I helped move my grandpa from the hospital to the hospice room of a local nursing home. He's the same guy - social, love to philosophize and tell people things. But, he's tired. He frequently needs to close his eyes to rest for a few minutes.
As I sat with him I found myself closing my eyes for a few minutes too. I'm not sick, but I am tired - and my eyes closed easily.
My grandpa's pastor came in about an hour before I had to leave this noon. I was glad of that. I felt that I needed someone to read Psalm 121 and pray. I'm glad I was there.
The car ride back home was long and exhausting. And, my eyes are red and puffy again - from crying this time, not from the injury. I look a mess. But, with perspective, I'm doing alright.
Prayers for my grandpa are appreciated though.
This morning I helped move my grandpa from the hospital to the hospice room of a local nursing home. He's the same guy - social, love to philosophize and tell people things. But, he's tired. He frequently needs to close his eyes to rest for a few minutes.
As I sat with him I found myself closing my eyes for a few minutes too. I'm not sick, but I am tired - and my eyes closed easily.
My grandpa's pastor came in about an hour before I had to leave this noon. I was glad of that. I felt that I needed someone to read Psalm 121 and pray. I'm glad I was there.
The car ride back home was long and exhausting. And, my eyes are red and puffy again - from crying this time, not from the injury. I look a mess. But, with perspective, I'm doing alright.
Prayers for my grandpa are appreciated though.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Automatic Shut-off...and on
My grandpa is dying.
He was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago which they thought was contained within a small area. Last week they discovered that it was all over his system.
It was my congregation's 75th anniversary celebration this week. It was a huge to-do. It was also synod assembly. So, I've not had a day off in over 2 weeks (didn't even take Memorial Day off...although I did work less (only 6 hours). And, this past week I've been pulling frequent 10, more frequent 12 hour+ days.
So, I haven't really had time to think about my grandpa. I've been a bit stoic and brushing away emotion that comes with knowing that I'm going to miss him. I cried a little the first night I found out, and a little last night, but I think last night had as much to do with all of the stress from the 75th.
Today, cleaning up after the celebration I gave myself what may very well turn into a black eye by bending down too quickly in a darkened room to pick something up and whacking myself right on the cheekbone, near my nose and eye.
And, I cried. I sobbed like a baby in that darken stairwell with my parishioners just outside.
And after I made it to my office with ice, I sobbed some more.
I needed that.
Now, my emotions can be more normal.
He was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago which they thought was contained within a small area. Last week they discovered that it was all over his system.
It was my congregation's 75th anniversary celebration this week. It was a huge to-do. It was also synod assembly. So, I've not had a day off in over 2 weeks (didn't even take Memorial Day off...although I did work less (only 6 hours). And, this past week I've been pulling frequent 10, more frequent 12 hour+ days.
So, I haven't really had time to think about my grandpa. I've been a bit stoic and brushing away emotion that comes with knowing that I'm going to miss him. I cried a little the first night I found out, and a little last night, but I think last night had as much to do with all of the stress from the 75th.
Today, cleaning up after the celebration I gave myself what may very well turn into a black eye by bending down too quickly in a darkened room to pick something up and whacking myself right on the cheekbone, near my nose and eye.
And, I cried. I sobbed like a baby in that darken stairwell with my parishioners just outside.
And after I made it to my office with ice, I sobbed some more.
I needed that.
Now, my emotions can be more normal.
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