Last year I was so looking forward to being settled. And, it hasn't really happened yet.
This is the first time in a long time that I am not packing up and getting ready to move at the beginning of the summer - or looking towards the quickly approaching time that I will leave.
In all my moving around I've formed good friends, but always with the understanding that I would be leaving. Now, I'm someplace to stay (for a while at least) and I'm still feeling somewhat separated.
That's my way of explaining the funk I've been in lately. Really, I'm lonely. And, I'm not sure where I'm headed. Or, what I want to do about almost anything.
There is something in me that is rebelling against staying. It takes boldness and strength to stay. I'm going to - I just don't want to put the energy to creating a healthy living situation...because, well - I'm not so good at creating community for myself (even though I think I'm pretty great at helping others to do it).
What I'd really like would be to have a magic wand waved over my life, to have ready made community, a less-stressful role at work (not a different role...just less-stressful), whatever it is that makes exercising fun for some people in me, and a romantic relationship with a wonderful guy.
Why is everything so much work?
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
100th Post
According to the dashboard count, this is my 100th posting on my blog. Is there going to be a shower of confetti or should I give out ridiculously expensive prizes to all my listening audience? It seems as if it should be a profound post that leaves y'all contemplating the myteries of life.
I do like marking occasions. I like birthdays and weddings. I like honoring achievement. But, profundity is not in the cards for this day.
But, I suppose that is appropriate. On this quiet blog, a quiet celebration. The purpose of this blog isn't to change the world or to do anything other than to help organize my thoughts and feelings and share them with some trusted friends (and those who find me). And, it's to keep me grounded.
Has it done this? I think it has - forcing me or rather giving me the opportunity to put gut feelings and thoughts into framed words and paragraphs. The Primary Wonder that God is sustaining me in all of the chaos continues to be the base of me - and of this blog.
Throw some confetti if you wish - I'm marking this 100th post with, well, this post.
I do like marking occasions. I like birthdays and weddings. I like honoring achievement. But, profundity is not in the cards for this day.
But, I suppose that is appropriate. On this quiet blog, a quiet celebration. The purpose of this blog isn't to change the world or to do anything other than to help organize my thoughts and feelings and share them with some trusted friends (and those who find me). And, it's to keep me grounded.
Has it done this? I think it has - forcing me or rather giving me the opportunity to put gut feelings and thoughts into framed words and paragraphs. The Primary Wonder that God is sustaining me in all of the chaos continues to be the base of me - and of this blog.
Throw some confetti if you wish - I'm marking this 100th post with, well, this post.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Just a Few Minutes
I have just a few minutes to be home today. And, while I don't have anything that I really want to do while I'm here at home (although my dishes are calling to me), and lots to do at work...I don't want to go back until I have to.
This morning was a hard one, for no real reason. But, after just a few minutes with some smart colleagues, the day became better. I just needed to get out of my self-pity party (that really has no reason other than hormones) and into doing what I really do love.
I was about to leave the office at 3 today, but was running just a few minutes late. Good thing I was, because my 3:15 appointment that I was reminded about yesterday, showed up 5 minutes early. I'm working with a boy scout as he earns his faith badge or something. (Isn't there something a little wrong about earning a badge for faith?) It was a fun teaching hour - that I hadn't prepared for at all, but with just a few minutes of looking over the material, I was ready.
In college, my friend Kate and I made a list of things you could do in a 20 minute window. We realized that almost everything of any importance could happen in 20 minutes. I don't need that list now to fill my time (not that I did when I was in college, it was just a random conversation that I'm so good at having), but I do sometimes stand in the middle of a room with just a few minutes in which to fill. I think I should add to that list "stare into space and daydream."
This morning was a hard one, for no real reason. But, after just a few minutes with some smart colleagues, the day became better. I just needed to get out of my self-pity party (that really has no reason other than hormones) and into doing what I really do love.
I was about to leave the office at 3 today, but was running just a few minutes late. Good thing I was, because my 3:15 appointment that I was reminded about yesterday, showed up 5 minutes early. I'm working with a boy scout as he earns his faith badge or something. (Isn't there something a little wrong about earning a badge for faith?) It was a fun teaching hour - that I hadn't prepared for at all, but with just a few minutes of looking over the material, I was ready.
In college, my friend Kate and I made a list of things you could do in a 20 minute window. We realized that almost everything of any importance could happen in 20 minutes. I don't need that list now to fill my time (not that I did when I was in college, it was just a random conversation that I'm so good at having), but I do sometimes stand in the middle of a room with just a few minutes in which to fill. I think I should add to that list "stare into space and daydream."
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