I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter.

My family member who can best push my buttons, but also might be right on (thus pushed my buttons) told me over my short visit (in the midst of a "discussion") that she worried about me - worried that I was too hard on myself and set an impossible bar for myself.

I came back from that break and worked these last two days. Within these two days I've had face-to-face contact with perhaps 8 people from my congregation. Three of these eight people had separate conversations with me talking about how they thought about me - one - how it must be hard to be new in a city with such a big job. Two others (at separate times) about how this was an enormous job and that I needed to make sure I took care of myself. I also reread an e-mail today from a colleague that was applauding some self-care boundary setting I'd done.

Wow! It brings to mind the old joke/sermon illustration of the man caught in a flood standing on his roof praying for God to save him - a boat, a helicopter and some other mode of transportation all come by offering help, but he says no, 'cause he's waiting for the Lord. Well - duh! God works through people! God must have understood that I needed that many people and in those particular ways telling me to pay better attention to self care.

So, I'm taking next Thursday off. Next week I am going to set up an appointment with one of the three spiritual directors I've been led to. Also, in the next two weeks I'm going to finally call the person who I've thought might be a good "synod mentor." I've got other plans as to how to monitor myself, but I don't know that I need to list them all here.

Self-care is so important, but it's so easy to let go of. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by the big job and let others fill my schedule. It's so easy to feel despair over not being able to finish everything. But, as I tell so many others, I've got to make sure that I am healthy...not just physically (oh yeah, what was that about a gym?), but spiritually, emotionally and socially too.

These posts have been depressing lately - I've been overwhelmed and undernourished. Thankfully, God keeps sending people to save me from the flood of.....hmm, not despair, not loneliness, self-destruction. Yup, that's it.

Merry Christmas

My last post seems so depressing. In actuality, within hours of posting it things began to turn around. My parents are coming out for New Year's Eve. Which, considering I can't stay out very late due to work obligations early the next morning, and considering that I'm single, is the best thing I think could have happened. Now I get to spend New Year's with people I love, and not feel like a fuddy duddy for leaving before the ball drops.

Also, I was cued into a flight between here and my parents' home for an incredibly reasonable price. Which means I get more time with family and friends and less time in the car (almost 10 hours less travel time!)

However, I've been back at the teary stage, but this time I can point fingers. I'm stressed. It's 8 am on Christmas Eve morning and I haven't finished my sermon for tonight and barely begun my sermon for tomorrow morning. (Uff! Just remembered - children's sermon for tomorrow!) Also, a parishioner that I've been steadily visiting in the hospital died yesterday, and due to plane tickets I will not be doing the funeral. That feels really hard to give it up. It's the second time I've gone on vacation, and the second time I've had to ask another pastor to step in to preside at the funeral.

So, I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I'm surrounding myself with Christmas music. I've got my tree lights on. I'm wishing everyone I see "Merry Christmas." But, because of this whole worship leadership thing, I'm losing sight of some of the beauty and mystery.

I do wish that for everyone - A Merry Christmas, where the wonder of the gift of God is felt.

Bad Mood

Why have I been on the edge of crying for the last few days? They haven't been altogether stressful (or at least no more than usual). I've had some good rewarding moments - some good interactions, some good preparatory work done. It's not what has been happening that has gotten me down. Today as I talked with dear friend, Belle, I realized that it's because I'm looking towards a crappy holiday season.

The time when my family has it's normal celebration, I'm going to be preparing for the next day's worship service. The time when other people are opening presents from extended family members and eating ham? I'm going to be driving for 6 hours. The time when people are toasting out the old year and toasting in the new? Yet another lonely night at home while getting ready for worship the next day.

At least that's what it's looking like now. I could do something differently on New Year's Eve. I don't have a sermon that Sunday. I do hope to go to a late evening worship service Christmas Eve. I've got time to plan it. I just need to put the energy into it.

Exercise Count: 2

Check in...

At my first real full-time work place we had weekly staff meetings with "check-ins" where we shared what was going on in our lives because that completely fed into our work. So, here is my somewhat organized Check-In.

WORK: is good - challenged by office administration and today had to be a bit of a....umm, best clean word? - well, let's just say I had to lay down the law a bit.

Yesterday's soup kitchen was amazing in the people that I got to be a pastor to - and the ways I got to be part of people's lives. It was also cool because one of my Catholic colleagues was there because his parish is going to take over one night a month, so they were learning the ropes. I felt as each person (of various backgrounds and need-base) approached me that it validated the importance of what we are doing.

Today I planned all of the holiday worship service - which I do enjoy. I'm excited about a couple of the services, and two might take some extra work gathering others to be involved, but I'm excited to do it - to get people involved. However, because of certain office administration challenges I sacrificed a lunch break (before realizing that I hadn't had breakfast) - so I became a bit crabby.

SOCIAL LIFE: Good, because I've already had two social occasions of the week - but it is still very much missing the intimate quality. I think a couple of friends are getting there - but there are other things I miss - and miss out on. Overall - at this particular moment I am feeling lonely. Aching with loneliness, really. My plan is to go to bed with a good book and good music.

EXERCISE: Decent - because I can count bowling on Sunday - and shoveled for about 2 hours today. But, I'm not counting it until Friday...so we'll see what tomorrow brings...