On November 18th, 2012, two years and10 months after we met, P asked me to marry him.
We were on our way to a Vegas vacation, and because I had bossily told him I didn't want to get engaged in Vegas, a proposal was not expected. But, he asked me. In his kitchen. The night before we left for Vegas. And I said Yes!
Since we returned from Vegas and up until December 22nd we were in Wedding-prep mode. We have a preacher, a church, a reception facility which includes the caterer, a photographer, and plans for dress shopping. I think we've been quite successful thus far.
But.
The last few days have not been about wedding plans or engagement. They have been about the 4th Sunday in Advent and preaching about Mary and Elizabeth while newborns and pregnant ladies graced every worship service. They have been about an somewhat unexpected death of a parishioner, ministering to her family, and funeral plans. They have been Christmas Eve: preaching, at-church celebrations, and celebrating with P's family. In all of these there has been very little wedding talk.
And. I've liked that.
P and I were able to just have fun with people at a cocktails and carols event and with his family. We weren't planning. We were just Being. Together. I wasn't trying to be this lady planning a big party, but the pastor - who preaches and presides and ministers to.
Because we've gotten some of the big things out of the way, I've been able to sink into Being. I'm sure there will be other times in the next 8 months that I'll be rushing around trying to get things organized. But, I do hope to be engaged in P and family and friends and work and fun - in addition to engagement itself.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Discernment
I thought a certain amount of discernment would be done by now. But, I sit here again, wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life.
Work is fine. Nothing amazing. Nothing horrible. Except, I am feeling less and less called to what I am doing. I wonder about other ways my call to ministry can be lived out - but in my minimal searching in the last year have found nothing that inspires me.
Honestly, I'm going to take a chance and actually post this, even with the revealing questions here, partly because I figure someone else has to be asking them too, at least internally.
Does anyone else feel called to the work, but not the lifestyle?
I'm a pk. I knew what I was getting into, but since the very beginning of my ministry I have struggled with the expectations of time and schedule. I knew what I was getting into, but I've been resentful of some of the very things I know other pastors take great joy in.
Does anyone else wonder about taking a break to try some other career?
Only, as a break, with the option to return? (Obviously not to the current parish, but to parish ministry in general...without all the hoops.) I don't even know what I would be good at. I have some ideas of what I'd like to try, but I'm scared to look into any of them. How do I even begin to examine this?
Does anyone else feel the urge to be a valued member of a congregation rather than the leader?
I have some fantasies about that, actually. "Sure, Pastor, I'd love to fill in for your Confirmation class while you are on vacation. Yes, I would like to head up the service project that can be completed in a month. No, I'd rather not sit on the Stewardship Team, thank you." To be able to worship each week. To create church-based relationships that don't have the power differential of me being the pastor or as colleagues to one another.
Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is God's call to me - a call that I can't see the entire picture of yet. I have been sitting at this place for a while, hoping for some clarity. Sometimes hoping that it would just go away so I could keep on keeping on. I've prayed - and prayed - and meditated - and prayed. I've talked with my counselor. But, I still sit with the question of what I am to be doing.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't make rash decisions. And this won't be one either. I continue to pray for some direction, some clarity. And, while patience is not a strength of mine, I'll try to maintain it - and in the meantime, serve God where I am now, to the best of my ability.
But still.....
Work is fine. Nothing amazing. Nothing horrible. Except, I am feeling less and less called to what I am doing. I wonder about other ways my call to ministry can be lived out - but in my minimal searching in the last year have found nothing that inspires me.
Honestly, I'm going to take a chance and actually post this, even with the revealing questions here, partly because I figure someone else has to be asking them too, at least internally.
Does anyone else feel called to the work, but not the lifestyle?
I'm a pk. I knew what I was getting into, but since the very beginning of my ministry I have struggled with the expectations of time and schedule. I knew what I was getting into, but I've been resentful of some of the very things I know other pastors take great joy in.
Does anyone else wonder about taking a break to try some other career?
Only, as a break, with the option to return? (Obviously not to the current parish, but to parish ministry in general...without all the hoops.) I don't even know what I would be good at. I have some ideas of what I'd like to try, but I'm scared to look into any of them. How do I even begin to examine this?
Does anyone else feel the urge to be a valued member of a congregation rather than the leader?
I have some fantasies about that, actually. "Sure, Pastor, I'd love to fill in for your Confirmation class while you are on vacation. Yes, I would like to head up the service project that can be completed in a month. No, I'd rather not sit on the Stewardship Team, thank you." To be able to worship each week. To create church-based relationships that don't have the power differential of me being the pastor or as colleagues to one another.
Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is God's call to me - a call that I can't see the entire picture of yet. I have been sitting at this place for a while, hoping for some clarity. Sometimes hoping that it would just go away so I could keep on keeping on. I've prayed - and prayed - and meditated - and prayed. I've talked with my counselor. But, I still sit with the question of what I am to be doing.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't make rash decisions. And this won't be one either. I continue to pray for some direction, some clarity. And, while patience is not a strength of mine, I'll try to maintain it - and in the meantime, serve God where I am now, to the best of my ability.
But still.....
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