Kate Winslet is the March 2nd Time magazine cover story. I have always liked her, but didn't expect that she would say something with which I could identify.
She says, "I come from a long line of real cart horses. Very stoic, insides-made-of-iron people. So I can take any s___ you can fling at me. I can cope with any workload. I can deal with lack of sleep. I can multitask like you've no idea. But two weeks ago, I actually had a panic attack. My first one. I didn't know what it was!"
Yup - I'm just like Kate Winslet. Well, maybe not just like. I have no little golden statues signifying success hanging around my house.
I'm actually doing pretty well. I feel like my counselor is a good fit. I've got some work to do, but I'm feeling really well-supported and like I can be more myself. I'm not feeling nearly as fragile as was a few weeks ago.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Messages
What do we believe - about ourselves, about others?
How do we know what we know?
Someone believes he knows the sin of another, but can't see his own.
Another believes that the story she told her class (as part of a writing assignment) didn't represent a loved one well (a loved one no one knows or ever will) and wants to take it back.
Another is hearing rumors about someone with whom he is friends. He is helping this one and while he easily deflects the "warnings" - they are "getting to him." He came to me to find out if the one about this person stealing from the church is true (it's not). He also wanted to be assured about the way he is handling the situation.
Another talked to me tonight because he started working a job that includes a lot of free alcohol. He is concerned about how he will handle it. He says he believes he can....but why did he talk to me? I told him I'm going to be checking in with him each time I see him - and gave him my card to call me if he needed to talk. I also told him about AA meetings. He was more than a little interested. He knows he's walking a thin line.
And then there is me. I am now seeing a counselor for anxiety. I don't know if it is that my anxiety triggers self-esteem issues, if it's the other way around, or if it is a circle with one feeding the other. But, something in me tells me that I'm failing - that I'm only worth what I can accomplish, not simply because I am.
Intellectually, I know I'm wrong. But, these thoughts sneak from my subconscious into my consciousness when I'm at my most vulnerable - stressed out, or completely relaxed.
Me, being who I am, am very well aware of this. And, I feel like I'm on the verge of doing some very good work that will make me a healthier person. But all of these messages that we tell ourselves, that we believe about ourselves and others, that we give to one another....where do they come from? How do we consciously and unconsciously choose what to believe? And, how do we sort through them?
How do we know what we know?
Someone believes he knows the sin of another, but can't see his own.
Another believes that the story she told her class (as part of a writing assignment) didn't represent a loved one well (a loved one no one knows or ever will) and wants to take it back.
Another is hearing rumors about someone with whom he is friends. He is helping this one and while he easily deflects the "warnings" - they are "getting to him." He came to me to find out if the one about this person stealing from the church is true (it's not). He also wanted to be assured about the way he is handling the situation.
Another talked to me tonight because he started working a job that includes a lot of free alcohol. He is concerned about how he will handle it. He says he believes he can....but why did he talk to me? I told him I'm going to be checking in with him each time I see him - and gave him my card to call me if he needed to talk. I also told him about AA meetings. He was more than a little interested. He knows he's walking a thin line.
And then there is me. I am now seeing a counselor for anxiety. I don't know if it is that my anxiety triggers self-esteem issues, if it's the other way around, or if it is a circle with one feeding the other. But, something in me tells me that I'm failing - that I'm only worth what I can accomplish, not simply because I am.
Intellectually, I know I'm wrong. But, these thoughts sneak from my subconscious into my consciousness when I'm at my most vulnerable - stressed out, or completely relaxed.
Me, being who I am, am very well aware of this. And, I feel like I'm on the verge of doing some very good work that will make me a healthier person. But all of these messages that we tell ourselves, that we believe about ourselves and others, that we give to one another....where do they come from? How do we consciously and unconsciously choose what to believe? And, how do we sort through them?
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Energy
I'm experiencing the Sunday morning blah again.
The urge to skip out on all of the responsibilities I have for today.
I think it's because I told someone earlier this week that I like the tasks of Sunday morning, but not the demands of others.
If it were just about getting up front and leading worship; if it were just about going and teaching a Bible Study; I would be ok. But, I have two meetings to follow the Bible Study. And, the Sunday morning pile on is not a holy dogpile, but the number of problems and issues that people tell me about - all of which I ask them to tell me later or write it down for me....but even if I'm not having to handle it right then, I feel their weight.
Today will be a good day. New members, good worship, Bible Study, getting some good work going. But, it all takes different energies. And balancing those energies requires even more energy.
I wish I could plug in to something to give me the jolt I need. Instead, I'll down my 3rd cup of morning coffee and be on my way.
The urge to skip out on all of the responsibilities I have for today.
I think it's because I told someone earlier this week that I like the tasks of Sunday morning, but not the demands of others.
If it were just about getting up front and leading worship; if it were just about going and teaching a Bible Study; I would be ok. But, I have two meetings to follow the Bible Study. And, the Sunday morning pile on is not a holy dogpile, but the number of problems and issues that people tell me about - all of which I ask them to tell me later or write it down for me....but even if I'm not having to handle it right then, I feel their weight.
Today will be a good day. New members, good worship, Bible Study, getting some good work going. But, it all takes different energies. And balancing those energies requires even more energy.
I wish I could plug in to something to give me the jolt I need. Instead, I'll down my 3rd cup of morning coffee and be on my way.
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