Who Needs Sleep?

Apparently my body (and the environment in which it resides) doesn't think I really need much sleep. Multiple things woke me up this morning a mere 4 1/2 hours after I went to bed.

But, I wake up excited (and a bit chilly....I haven't turned my heat on yet).

I'm excited because as I work on my sermon this morning, it's feeling good. I'm excited because I'm participating in workshops that are helping me bring greater definition and clarity to what I'm called to - what I want. I'm excited because a few of my "folks" are getting the same workshops. I'm excited 'cause 'though I have some big things coming up - some things that bring me outside of my comfort zone - I'm honored to be asked to do them. I'm excited because I have vacation very, very soon. I'm excited because I actually stayed out later than 10 last night. I'm excited because I have good friends - and I've actually gotten to spend time with some of them.

I know, it doesn't take much sometimes :)

There are plenty of stressors right now. My health has given me some headaches (not literal headaches, but things I need to pay attention to). I'm hearing the same news everyone else is about the economy - and recognizing the impact that has on various people and institutions with which I'm involved. I'm still working too much.

But, the community, the friends, the good work that is being done, the belief that what I am doing is important, the promise of rest, relaxation, and concerts (!) (not to mention the hope I feel when I consider President Obama), is spurring me on. No wonder I can't sleep.

More Clarity

I realize that you, my dear friends who follow my blog, most likely understand where I was coming from yesterday. But, somewhere yesterday (between good conversations with ones who are dear to me and the first date I had) I discovered a little more clarity. I realized that it's not that I don't have deep relationships, you who read this blog and know me know that.

It's that I don't have any extra emotional energy. I can have all the physical energy in the world. I can be well-rested on a Friday, ready to participate in many adventures - or just sit down and have a meal, but I feel like I'm working with a limited supply of emotional energy that is often taken up in the work I do.

Sometimes I do have that emotional energy to invest. But, I haven't recently. So, what do I do with these decent date experiences with good guys who I just haven't been able to emotionally invest in?

Other than my continued quest to have a well-balanced life, not over-run with work, I don't know that there is anything to really do about this. But, it does make me feel better, in some ways, to recognize what it is in me that resists going deeper right away.

If only there was a switch

What causes spark and attraction? I'm feeling frustrated with myself because I wonder if somewhere in this last year (or 3, or 8) I just turned that off. Or, maybe it's never been turned on. Or, maybe I'm not very attune to it.

Or, maybe....

So many excuses. What it cuts to is that, though there seem to be many people I admire, respect, think are pretty great - there aren't many that I feel really drawn to. I want to be drawn in - but, like many things, this isn't something to force. But, could it be that I close it off when it could otherwise happen?

I've been in a mood lately, I recognize it's a phase. A not-fun phase. A searching for meaning phase. An over-worked phase. A not-very-thankful phase. A phase that will end when I get over myself.

This isn't something that is saying I'm not enough or I'm incomplete. But, I am feeling an absence of something deeper.