I'm in the middle of my denomination's call process - a call to ordination to be a pastor. I have had an interview and conversations are continuing. I am struggling to figure out how to go about an intentional process of discernment and have many ideas, but just don't know where to start.
As I flop about on the shore of the unknown I keep trying to make metaphors describe my situation. "The call process is like the beginning of a solitaire game, sometimes the games that seem as if you have no chance of winning are the ones that just seem to work out." "The call process is like the internet, sometimes speedy, sometimes slow - often bringing you to sites you never thought you'd chance upon."
These metaphors pop up in other places too - like when my dad mentioned that he looks forward to seeing white smoke over Milwaukee.
I am seeking metaphors - things that give insight and show truth, yet allow you to keep some perspective and distance. Maybe that is what I need to start to discern.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
The Real, Jumbled, Acceptable ME
There are some days where my mind feels crystal clear and I'm sharp and feel as if I can respond well to any given situation. Then there are the days that I marvel that I make any sense whatsoever(like today). I think it often has to do with the place I am in my R.E.M. sleep cycle when I wake up.
Recently I've had a few occasions in which I said something really off-the-wall, out of the ordinary, funny, even, during these foggy days. Somehow though, I've been able to shrug off these incidents without feeling embarrassed or even like I need to explain myself to others.
This indicates to me that sometime in the last year I've become more confident in who I am. Humorously it means I don't feel like I always need to make sense, because I don't always make sense. I don't need to solve everything, because I am after all human - and no human can solve everything. I don't need to have all the answers or jump in every time I think I have an answer. And, when I do jump in with an answer and it isn't completely expressed well, it doesn't mean that my point isn't valid - just that only people who are really good at interpreting jumble can get anything out of it - that is okay. (Hmmm, is this beginning to be like the jumble - ah well).
Because of this extra confidence, I am being more me. And, it makes me feel like I am ready to do this ministry thing - because I'm aware of the whole me and how that works in ministry. I am aware of what I need for myself and what is needed for me to provide in my various roles.
I like this...I like liking me...I like feeling comfortable with who I present to the world and who I am that is private...I like this realness and knowing that it's not because of anything I've done that I'm acceptable. I think, after 28 years of life in the church, after 4 years of undergraduate work at a "church" school, after 4 years of seminary - I am finally realizing grace for myself.
Recently I've had a few occasions in which I said something really off-the-wall, out of the ordinary, funny, even, during these foggy days. Somehow though, I've been able to shrug off these incidents without feeling embarrassed or even like I need to explain myself to others.
This indicates to me that sometime in the last year I've become more confident in who I am. Humorously it means I don't feel like I always need to make sense, because I don't always make sense. I don't need to solve everything, because I am after all human - and no human can solve everything. I don't need to have all the answers or jump in every time I think I have an answer. And, when I do jump in with an answer and it isn't completely expressed well, it doesn't mean that my point isn't valid - just that only people who are really good at interpreting jumble can get anything out of it - that is okay. (Hmmm, is this beginning to be like the jumble - ah well).
Because of this extra confidence, I am being more me. And, it makes me feel like I am ready to do this ministry thing - because I'm aware of the whole me and how that works in ministry. I am aware of what I need for myself and what is needed for me to provide in my various roles.
I like this...I like liking me...I like feeling comfortable with who I present to the world and who I am that is private...I like this realness and knowing that it's not because of anything I've done that I'm acceptable. I think, after 28 years of life in the church, after 4 years of undergraduate work at a "church" school, after 4 years of seminary - I am finally realizing grace for myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)