Highlights of my work week

* I tied for first at the Senior Center's marshmallow blowing contest on Tuesday. My prize - a Santa figurine. (Doesn't that seem off? It should have been something Halloween-y). I'm still accepting it - no matter that I was decades younger than the other participants and I only tied.

* My Confirmation class loved that I found a song on YouTube to play for them and discuss. And, they started singing Bible songs spontaneously a few different times (like our ever-so-dignified Wed. text study does). And, they are excited about the Lenten series to be described below. And, one of the students got really excited about going on a mission trip - even going home right away to research and e-mail the info to me. **Favorite quote of the night - "So, what you're saying is the world needs hippies."

* Some members of my text study took off for Sun-Mon to brainstorm a Lenten series based on "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and strength and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself" and The Wizard of Oz. It was good to brainstorm - and I'm looking forward to this work (as I focus on the cowardly lion and strength).

* Today my secretary and I are having lunch together. It's a working lunch where we'll touch base about how things are going and what we can do better in our working relationship. But, we also have fun together.

* Last night a new congregation cooked for the Soup Kitchen. They made a FANTASTIC meal, were excited about their experience, and one of the volunteers said to a member of mine: "This is where I belong." Lots of laughter - also meant a lot of time freed up for me to visit with others that were there who needed it.

* A good worship service last night - one actually full of comedy for some reason. Good discussion, a full house (9) for a Wed. night. A cell phone rang in the middle of our "silence." People held it together during the silence and then when the silence ended everyone erupted in laughter. It felt like a great community - half of whom were sleeping outside last night.

* Because I will be gone for a little over a week, I'm needing to prepare to get a lot of information to other people. I've gotten worship planned now through mid-December and have already gotten some Christmas stuff figured out. I've got people to open up the church on Sunday and to lead Wednesday evening functions. I've got to put together instructions for leading the Confirmation Class next Monday and to get my sermon ready for this Sunday...but I feel like things are pretty well under control. Yay!

Commending all for whom (and what) we pray

On Wednesday night, one of my fellow worshipers spoke of his wife praying for strength. He said that perhaps she should stop praying for strength because God then keeps giving her situations in which to use that strength. Maybe she should pray for peace instead.

I don't believe that is how God works.

But, I wonder if I should stop praying for strength....and perhaps wisdom as well.

I'm not going to stop praying for strength and wisdom in my work, but it does make me recognize that sometimes those are the two qualities for which I pray the most. I don't pray for lightheartedness or a restful time for myself. I don't pray to have a light work week or a full social calendar.

I'm realizing...regardless of how one believes prayer works...that I would like to be more well-rounded in my prayers for myself. Prayers for others tend to be holistic. Prayers myself tend to focus on work.

So, today I'm going to pray that my time at the orchard is invigorating and dry (rain is in the forcast) and that the brewery birthday party is joyous and energizing. Amen.

A Visit From Mom

My easy going mom has been visiting. Her visits are always good for me. We eat well but not too much, I usually end up learning something, and we walk (outside or in a museum or at some other entertainment venue).

It's nice to have someone - the person from whom I probably learned the most about attending church - to recognize the same idiosyncrasies of my congregation as I do. Like the incredibly long sharing of the peace, or the fact that a couple people carry their hymnals with them to coffee hour (because after that they are heading home...and since they sponsored the hymnals they believe they should be able to bring them home and bring them to worship each Sunday).

It's also nice to not talk about church and to hear about experiences that she is having and has had. To change certain assumptions I've had. To get her take on current events and life in general. To get hugs from my mama.

It wasn't technically vacation, but it felt a bit like it.

Unexpected Visitors

I've had a number of surprise visitors in worship recently. Last Sunday members of the congregation in which I grew up popped in. (Unfortunately it was one of the rare Sundays in which I wasn't preaching...but that just means they'll have to come again.)

This Sunday a dear friend...who told me that he warned me earlier in the week, but I don't recall it.

Next Sunday...well, I suppose that's not unexpected, but a visitor nonetheless - my mom.

But, today there was one potential unexpected visitor that did not show up - and I'm a bit relieved.

Today we held a pet blessing in the afternoon. This is an annual tradition held near the commemoration of St. Francis of Assisi (Oct 4th). We read some scripture, say some prayers, I bless each animal (I think we had about 12 dogs and one picture of a cat present this afternoon). Some congregations are brave enough to hold this pet blessing during the regular Sunday morning worship - with the pets sitting through the service. I am not that brave - and I'm not sure some of the animals would have made it either.

Just prior to the regular morning service the organist told me that his good friend was thinking about bringing her dog to the service....the regular morning service. She wasn't able to make the afternoon blessing and wanted her pup to be blessed. He (the organist) mentioned that I would know if the dog arrived.

Well, neither the dog nor its owner showed up. But, I did bless the dog that may be the ring bearer for the couple I am marrying in another year.

From Their Mouths to God's Ears

I got the giggles yesterday during worship. I was sitting closer to the congregation because we had a guest preacher who was going to preach from the aisle instead of the pulpit (and if I was in my usual spot I would have had to turn around the entire time to see him).

I wrote here about the chance-taking of chanting the psalm, well, today the attempts at praising the Lord with chanting were a bit reversed. It has been traditional for our congregation to speak the psalm, responsively...and so many of those who avoid singing the hymns are chanting the psalm. Yesterday the leader did a wonderful job (it's something he just started working on last spring and it's so fun to see him get better and bolder). But the congregation responding was completely off key and out of tempo. Because I was sitting closer, I got an even louder experience of it.

It was just so charming. Voices raised earnestly with joy, and some trepidation. And, I bet to God it was beautiful.

Ms. Jekyll and Hyde

I had a dr's appt yesterday - just regular procedural stuff.

One of the things I wanted done was to have my cholesterol checked. That requires a fast...meaning no food. My appointment was at 1:15.

Just a warning to one and all - I'm not a very pleasant person when I haven't had any food or caffeine - at all. It was scary...and I don't think I liked myself very much.

After the appt I went to a local coffee joint and had some coffee and a sandwich. Then I came home and took a nap.

All was right in the world once again. And it's a good thing too - I taught Confirmation last night.

Amazing Grace

Today, aided by well loved hymns, I convicted.

My sermon was all about sin - about owning up to it - about no longer being ignorant to the amount of grace and mercy we receive.

There was Gospel, but the weight of the knowledge of sin was heavy.

Then as the Hymn of the Day we sang "Softly and Tenderly Jesus is Calling...come home..." and most powerfully of all - "Amazing Grace" as I handed the bread to people who were sniffing, tearing up, fragile.

It hurts. I'm not telling them - or myself - anything that isn't true. I'm not making them feel any particular way. But, I am calling forth truth. And it's painful.

But the grace came in the meal - that overflowed with abundance - that helped people to know that they had been made right by God.

I'm still feeling fragile. I pronounced the post-communion blessing "May the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ strengthen you, and keep you in his grace" a bit choked up and with tears dripping out of the corners of my eyes.

Early Bird

Up until my second year of college I was one of those annoying people who would practically leap out of bed. It's not that I would wake up naturally, but when my alarm went off I was up and ready to go.

Something about those late college nights and extra responsibility removed that immediate bounciness and I started to have to drag myself out of bed, even setting more than one alarm for a while.

Now, however, I've been waking up naturally more and more - earlier too. I am also finding myself somewhere in between these two states. My current mode of operation when I wake up is to be calm and relaxed. I've recently enjoyed a little bit of extra time in the morning in which I get to drink my coffee, read the paper, maybe go for a run and just be.

Ooops - there goes my alarm for the day.

I like this morning time and am thankful for it because while evening time like this - calm, centered around books or music or some task - is nice...it's good to start the day this way.

Now on to tackle this one...

Pests - Just Trying to Show the Love

For the first time since I started wearing contacts (periodically) again, no one at Soup Kitchen commented on whether I was wearing glasses or not.

It's because all the comments were reserved for my newly curly hair.

I don't like it, but I do understand that for some people it is their way of connecting - commenting on appearance. I (probably like most people) appreciate it when someone tells me I look nice, but when it's just general comments about my appearance - I get annoyed. (It also depends on who is saying it, and of course, how it's said.)

I watched a member make the rounds of Soup Kitchen last night and probably experience the same thing I do...she is one that makes an effort to know everyone and is amazingly caring and welcoming.

As people would walk by her (as she was talking with someone else), many would place a hand on her back or shoulder, or flip her hair. It was obviously done out of endearment...and she held her cool.

The same thing happens to me, and I sometimes have to really work to not be incredibly annoyed by it. But, what I saw last night was the beauty of people feeling connected to her. Feeling they had a friend in her. People who probably wouldn't say they have a friend in very many others.

It still is annoying - the same kind of pestering that little kids do to one another when they like each other - but, on the other hand, it's a good sign of relationship and the good work we are doing.

Taking a Chance

I'm not the best singer.

I think I can hear tune and tone and all the important musical things, but I can't always make my voice do that.

So, I've regularly chanted the liturgy, and in the last 6 months we've started to have those Lectors who were interested in chanting chant the Psalm. It's been a set few and I've come to expect that some but not others would.

I've also been working on a worshipful environment that allows us to take chances. That we don't have to be perfect in what we do in order to worship and praise God. Sometimes even saying that we're going to try something that is a little out of our comfort zone - and asking people to remember that what we're doing is about God - not about how we perform. (Although I do also talk about not giving crap to God - but trying our best).

Yesterday I got tears in my eyes as one of my older adults - a woman who I've come to expect to be a bit stuck in her ways - decided to chant the Psalm. Her voice cracked a little - she had to start over for one of the stanzas - but it was beautiful.

Presents from God

God was so present at church last night - it was overwhelming.

Among other ways, God showed up:

* In the new volunteer who was moved to tears as he observed what was going on at the Soup Kitchen. And who recognized that he will be filled as he breaks bread with others (and helps to clean up afterwards).

* In the calming presence of a homeless man as he recommended that the hotheaded one give me a call to tell me what was bothering him. And, the hothead listened and set up a time to call me today.

* In the Free Clinic's calm approach as they realized they were short a nurse. And the matter-of-fact and loving way in which people were handled. (I love nurses!)

* In the church members who stepped up (not thinking they were going to have to) during Soup Kitchen...which was especially needed because it was a 5th Wednesday.

* In the hoards of people who came to Soup Kitchen for the first time last night.

* In a member who I've been working with who really needed a connection that was made.

* In the people who had been regular visitors to worship last Spring but stopped coming due to physical ailments....who stopped by because they learned there is a Free Clinic here - and who said they'll be back on Sunday.

* In the small worship service.
- First with the amazing tale of calling someone's bullshit out - that resulted in anger...but then the transformation that happened and the peace offered.
- Then, in the very real conversation about how we are motivated to do things for others.
- But most amazingly, in the woman - who happened upon our service - who has experienced tragedy, abandonment and disappointment in loved ones - who is truly trying to follow Jesus - not in a passive way, but in a very real, active way. In her story of forgiving others. In her strength. In her excitement for Jesus.
- Also, in the connection that was made as our member who is homeless walked up to her after the service and quietly asked if she needed anything to make it on the street. He who is a guardian angel to so many street people - and an eye opener to members of my church.

* In the reuniting with the guys from AA that I have not seen almost all summer - the jokes, the hugs and their delight in seeing me.

God is so good.

8-6-7-5-3-oh-what?

I've been back at work for a week after being gone for two. This past week has been full of catching up and details and getting things together. I've got a bit more work to do in order to feel on top of things, but that end is in sight.

So, tonight, after my church's book club and after a nice long walk with a friend, I come home and decide that having not eaten dinner (at 9pm) it'd be a good pizza and beer night.

I call up the local pizza delivery establishment and do just fine until she wants my phone number....I say it, the woman taking my order repeats it back to me incorrectly and then for the life of me I cannot remember my phone number. I could get out the first three numbers...and I knew the last 4 had a 9 in it someplace. It was a total block.

I ended up hanging up the phone, regrouping and calling back (at which point she called me 'dear').

I guess my mind can be responsible for only so much.

Hermitage

I've had an intense 2 weeks. And work-wise I do believe this next one will be fairly intense.

As I left my parents' home last night I broke down into tears for just a few minutes. It had been a full day - saying goodbye to my home congregation for really the last time, saying goodbye to my family - with both my brother and sister moving cross country in the next couple weeks, which just changes the family dynamic. That change is fine...and really, I believe, good - but change is emotional for me.

It's been a great two weeks - and a couple of weeks with little to no alone time. I've felt like I've had a good balance of work, play, family and friends - a balance with which I hope to always live my life. But what hasn't been balanced has been the "being with other people" and the "being just with me."

I wouldn't give up a second of that time I spent with another person - even those times when I was hard to deal with ;). But, I do recognize that I am in need to some me-time.

So, following this time away, I'm going to be a little hermit for a few days.

But...Even More Exciting...

My brother called last night to tell me that he and his awesome girlfriend (see here) ARE ENGAGED!!!

They don't plan to be married until after she participates in a year-long program next year - but I'm just so happy. Although it was over cell phone static we had a short conversation about why they wanted to get engaged now. (They offered...I didn't question). It was a great witness (in my opinion) to purpose of marriage at all. My brother said, "This doesn't really change our relationship, but it let's people know our intent."

He's so wise. (It's also something I've said about marriage in general).

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

I just cannot express my joy enough here.

My Inner Geek Squad

I love when I'm able to just figure something out.

On Saturday night, before I left for 4 days away I discovered that my computer had died. This had been building up - and I figured it was that it wasn't receiving power. This isn't all that amazing since the cord that feeds the battery (I believe) had some loose wires in it and would regularly need to be wiggled to make it work.

So, I ordered a new cord from Dell - having done so about a year ago as well. It seems that this particular product sucks and people have to regularly repurchase this part for their computers (but $50 is better than $1,000 when you're not in the market for a new computer). On impulse I also bought a new battery for my computer - thinking that it would be nice to again be able to take my computer places an outlet and cord do not go.

I arrived home late last night and my new purchases had arrived. But, alas! I plugged the cord into the computer and nothing happened. It sucked. I was really disappointed. Since I'm heading out (in 3 hours) for vacation, I decided just to put it off.

This morning I woke up to the realization that - the battery had been dying for a while...perhaps the battery just finally said enough and retired itself.

So, without having my morning coffee I set to work to figure out how to change my computer's battery.

Success! The battery is changed - and the computer works!!

I feel like I'm the smartest person in the world. Or, at least sitting in my chair.

I hate being the one to set other people's boundaries. I don't like having to tell people what to do.

I don't like confrontation. Especially when it involves me needing to set boundaries (my own and others). I do it because it's necessary. While I might initially step back, I don't shy away from it.

I especially don't like it though, when it involves my personal life. Here I drag my feet.

Just Wait

A couple minutes ago I went to get rid of some flowers that are over a week old when I noticed that a couple of the more hidden, tiny ones are just starting to bloom. Sure, the more showey flowers are dead - brown even (and should have been thrown out a few days ago), but there is new, subtle beauty opening up within the death.

This morning I led the Outreach committee in some visioning - some evaluation. It was a bit nerve wracking to be the leader because of some strong personalities...but it was a productive morning, with good conversation.

There have been some showy examples of how we are involved in the community, but I think the true testament is the continued relationship building that is going on. We named that, and noted that we need to continue to work on that. It might not be a big production of show, but a quiet build up of community.

There has also been a quiet build up for my own support network. It sometimes explodes in recognizing (as I did last night) that I've got some pretty cool friends - and they're not all pastors (!). As I somehow ended up at one friend's performance with four other friends who either barely knew each other - or had never met. Add to that, the work support network that continues to emerge - I think as a vision is being knit together and communicated. They aren't so much a support of me as a support of the work that I think we're all working towards...but it's so much nicer than attempting the work alone.

My Mailman ROCKS!

This morning as a friend and I left the house to go to the Farmer's Market we ran into my mailman as he was organizing his route. He asked if I was waiting for Harry Potter and I excitedly responded that I was and did he have it???

He did and I squealed and jumped up and down as someone 20 years younger than myself would (tee hee!!!!). He handed me the book and then looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Seeing your reaction, I wonder if I should go deliver these other books right now."

My friend and I went on our way and soon saw him drive by. When we returned from the Farmer's Market he was back on my street and I asked if he did deliver them. He said that he had and that all but one of the recipients was really excited too.

My mailman rocks.

Flexibility

I love that I get to set my own schedule.

I decided that I was going to primarily work from home today. I've been in intense situations with a lot of people - and have had to make a lot of decisions lately. Now, I'm home. My secretary knows where to find me. But, for the most part I'm working on writing. I need to - I have a lot to put together and write.

I rarely take advantage of the flexibility I have in my schedule, because I so often overwork. Not this week though.

The flexibility of my schedule - and my failure to keep time for myself - then leads to body aches and pains. I do hold tension - often from the pains of others - in my body. I feel it. I try to stretch, to breath, to do what I can to let go of it. But, it doesn't always work.

So, in essence, the flexibility of my job hinders the flexibility of my body....only when I allow it to. Crap. It's all on me again.

Blasted - updated

A Sunday morning post again.
I'm prying my eyes awake this morning after one set of my blasted neighbors decided to race a buzzing motorcycle or scooter on my street for a couple hours after midnight and then my downstairs neighbors (perhaps the same ones who were riding the motorcycle??? I dunno??) decided it was a fantastic idea to set off (blasted) fireworks....the big kind...between 2:45 and 3:15.

I would really love to curl up under the covers this morning and have a lazy Sunday morning. I'd like to do that many weeks - but especially today. Currently, after forcing myself to get up and start getting ready I've got that combination exhaustion/alertness quality going on. The one that feels a lot like anxiety.

Oh well. Today I think I only have a short time of work and can hopefully be back home (under the covers) by 11:30....earlier than normal. I just have to make it through the next four and a half hours.

UPDATE
It's just after 11:30 and I'm home with definite plans to spend some quality time in my bed. However, worship was really good today. Despite my half-comatose state...it was energizing and warm (in emotion, not temperature). Yay!

For the first time since last Fall... (Possibly TMI for some)

I love the way my skin feels.

My skin ailments are many:
Eczema
Folliculitus (infection of hair follicles and a darn fun word to say)
A multitude of Allergies (including, I believe to my own sweat)

Compounded by stress, dry winter weather and the fact that sometimes I like to try random things like waxing my legs (which was actually a positive move in my opinion)...my skin has taken a bit of a beating.

But now, although it has a few scrapes and bruises....It feels good.

Hooray!

5 Things I Dig About Jesus

I was tagged by Backwoods Rev for this meme:

1. I dig that even though he was so anticipated, he was so unexpected.

2. I dig that he wasn't always a nice guy...but there was usually not-niceness in order to call people to be transformed. (Like a favorite movie quote says, "God loves you just the way you are. But He loves you too much to let you stay that way." Junebug) I don't trust guys that are too nice.

3. I dig that because of him, I know God better.

4. I dig the whole equality thing - the lack of care for societies rankings - the focusing of attention not on petty rituals, but on what was really important - relationship with God - through relationship with others.

5. I did that he formed a community to continue the work of living in God's kingdom, not Caesar's (or Bush's). A community to love one another, to support one another in this tough work, to call one another into accountability.

So, I originally posted this thing without tagging...it feels a bit like a chain letter. And yet, it was so much more fun than I had originally thought it would be. So, I'll tag: Abba, Jessica, Meckhead (even though she hasn't blogged in over a year), Kendi, and um, well - you....whoever you are.

Rules for this meme:
a)Those tagged will share "Five Things They Dig About Jesus".
b)Those tagged will tag 5 people. (if they can find someone untagged!)
c) Those tagged will leave a link to their meme in the comments section of the blog of the person who tagged them (meaning this post) so that everyone can keep track of what's being posted.

Moms

It happens to be my mother's 60th birthday today. She is in Tanzania and so a Happy Birthday phone call will not be part of today's celebration.

As I was preparing for a devotion for some older adults, I came across these two poems/prayers from the book Soul Weavings: A Gathering of Women's Prayers, edited by Lyn Klug.

A wandering Aramean was my mother.
In Egypt she bore slaves.
Then she called to the God of our mothers.
Sarah, Hagar, Rebeccah, Rachel, Leah.
Praise God who hears, forever.

A warrior, judge, and harlot was my mother.
God used her from time to time.
She gave what she gave, and was willing.
Rahab, Jael, Deborah, Judith, Tamar.
Praise God who takes, forever.

A Galilean virgin was my mother.
She bore our Life and Hope.
And a sword pierced her own soul, also.
Mary, blessed among women, mother of God.
Praise God who loves, forever.

A witness to Christ's rising was my mother
What angels said, she told.
The apostles thought it was an idle tale.
Mary, Mary Magdalene, Joanna, women with them.
Praise God who lives, forever.

A faithful Christian woman was my mother.
A mystic. Martyr. Saint.
May we, with her, in ever generation,
Julian, Perpetua, Clare, Hilda,
Praise God who made us,
Praise God who saved us,
Praise God who keeps us all forever. Amen.
-Martha Blacklock, Mother Thunder Mission, New York City

My God, I praise you, I thank you for my mother.
For all that she could give me,
for all that she gave of herself,
a true, living school of love and humility.
She reveals to me your mystery -
thank you for her revelation of your truth.
Now, O God, I pray for all the children
of Africa, of Asia, of America and Europe.
For all the children of the world.
Give me a heart like that of a mother
the heart of a black woman for her children.
-Mamia Woungly-Massaga, Cameroon

They Love Me...Or Maybe They Really Like Cake

The second anniversary of starting at my congregation is Thursday.

Today, they threw me a surprise anniversary coffee hour.

With lots of "You're staying for 30 years, right?" and "Has it already been 2?" but, the ones that feel like they mean something: "We're glad you're here."

Messy, Chaotic Reality

I'd like to think that I can be an example of *yes, you too could be a pastor* for the young adults (and perhaps some youth) that are spending time at my congregation this summer. This week there are at least 2 that are looking to further education to possibly head in this direction - and these are the two that sought me out - who knows who else there is.

But, this week has offered observations of chaos and the unknown rather than an attractive future job possibility.

They have personally encountered the helplessness of someone who comes for "help" but who really just wants someone else to fix them. They have encountered people who seek to lambast anything that has to do with organized religion (as they seek out a place of sanctuary). They have seen me running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out where in the gosh darn building the messed up fuse boxes are - and having to deal with overloaded circuits. They have been lectured for being too loud for the people who come to the free clinic.

Not really the picture that would draw anyone to the ministry. I only hope that the other experiences they are having balance out the experience at my place.

I just want to tell them: It is really great! Believe me...it's not always like this. And sometimes, there's blessing in all this messed up crap too.

Maybe they'll still go into this particular track of education but specify - I don't want to be in a building that is falling apart or someplace where random people come in. Maybe they'll build up tough skins (mine has become steel - figuratively) and realize that there is amazing goodness in being intimately involved in people's messy lives - even when they hate what you represent. Maybe they'll see in this craziness something that appeals...affirmation of a call.

God, help them.

NOT Burning Down the House

A while I go I mentioned I'd blog at some point about automatic shut offs. If I'm able to trust them they make life so much simpler. It's trust that's the issue.

In November of 2005 I headed out from Milwaukee to meet a friend in Madison. We met to do some Christmas Shopping, go to the Nutcracker (? right? I think so) and just hang out. I was running late and left the house in a hurry. When I was 1/2 way to Madison I couldn't remember whether I'd shut off the iron.

My iron was supposed to have an automatic shut off, but it had never been consistent in this task. I fretted as I drove and convinced myself to keep going.

While the weekend was wonderful, the fear that I would arrive home to a burned down house due to my lack of iron unplugging was a cloud over the entire trip. When I returned home (to a fully standing and unburnt house) I discovered that I had unplugged the iron and everything was just fine.

I have a new iron now that does shut off automatically. As does my coffee maker and my computer. I really like these things that shut off. I'm somewhat compulsive in some of these behavioral things (I always drive with my lights on...and I always habitually turn them off as I turn off my car). But every once in a while something I didn't do will catch me by surprise (like setting my parking break - oi!).

Fortunately, I now don't have to worry about burning down my house with my iron. Now, about those candles...

Getting out of the way.

A paraphrased conversation with my dad:

Me: "Things are just feeling really good. And, it's not about me. People are feeling invested, like it's a place they're proud of and want to be. And that's catching."

Dad: "Ironically, it's precisely because of you."

I wonder how often pastors get in the way. I do think that the reason people are feeling invested has something to do with me - but in some ways it has more to do with the fact that sometimes I don't know what the heck I'm doing and so need to rely on others in a different way than a more seasoned pastor would. (Depending on the seasoning, of course).

These last couple weeks have been huge ego boosts - and so of course I don't trust them. I got a call today from a nearby pastor who many of my church ladies love (he comes and gives a devotion at our senior center about once a month...they love his weeks). He called to tell me of his lunch conversation with a bunch of my members in which they were just praising me for all that's going on. Again, it's more because I've gotten out of the way, I think.

Either that or it's the beautiful weather. I know I've been in an obnoxiously good mood lately. Maybe someone leaked a happy gas into the air and everyone who comes to the church breaths it in. Hey, if that's what it takes...

Resolving Disagreeableness

I sometimes wonder if I'm disagreeable (as in disagreeing with someone...not the way I'm received, although for some it's one and the same) because I think it's honest, or because I want to change someone, or because I'm wanting to be in good relationship, or just because I'm crabby.

I feel crabby when I disagree with someone. It's against my nature. But, it's also against my nature to be dishonest. And, I don't want to be a "yes-woman." I don't respect "yes-people."

I wonder, though, how fair it is to some of the relationships I have - those in which I tend towards the most disagreeable. When someone is always disagreeing with me I get tired of it. On the other hand, I get tired if someone is always saying things with which I completely disagree.

Yet, I value diversity of opinion and of individuals. And, I value being able to share my opinion.

There could be something in this about desiring harmony and similarity - a colleague today said we tend toward the familiar. Does that mean of thought as well as practice? There is beauty in dissonance too, but the beauty is in the ache for resolution.

I wish I had a good sense of how my disagreeableness is received - especially by the people with whom I disagree most (and they haven't been invited to this blog). I wonder, if I knew people understood my reasoning, my impetus in my disagreement, if I would find some resolution. Just in that understanding.

Edit Schmedit

I obviously was quite tired last night when I posted - and I didn't think to push the spellcheck function. So, while I could go back and edit, I think I'll just acknowledge that what you got from last night was truly me - unedited...mistakes and all.

I also should say that as I was writing I thought it was a pretty positive post, but as has been pointed out to me (and after rereading it, I do agree) it doesn't come off that way.

Ah well.

The Bable of What's Going On

Since I last posted I've been on the lower end of the mood spectrum. A combination of overwork, underplay, yearning for some specific kinds of relationships I don't have, and just plain old questions of purpose.

Last week was especially low. But, I don't want to talk about that.

This week was much better. And, I've had fun. Many times. I needed some of that grounding.
Tuesday night - went walking with a (non-church) friend.
Wednesday night - had a fun time with a (church-related) friend over margaritas.
Friday night - the friend who was "the-only-friend-who-lived-here-that-knew-me-before" and now has turned into "the-only-friend-who-used-to-live here-that knew me before" was back in town for the weekend and gathered a group of her friends (most of whom are now my friends too) for dinner.
Saturday - a huge interfaith service day where I got to be the cool adult (although the organized one who made them count off). They weren't to the point of testing boundaries with me yet - and I so love that part of a youth to adult relationship when they revel in the fact that you care about them and so that's the most important action - caring. (Plus, for some reason the 3 youngest kids (6-8 year olds...all three Muslim) decided I was really cool and followed me around all day and kept asking "do you need any help?" and thought it was awesome that I was the religious leader at my church.)
Then tonight - a recently acquired friend's birthday party (Sue - I went to duckpin bowling!) - and having a good time with all her eclectic friends. By the way - I rock at duckpin bowling.

In a week I go away for a few days. And, I need it. I am exhausted. I am feeling crabby with my tried and true ones who just want some support. I don't feel like I can support them at the moment. I'm having a hard enough time supporting my own self. I haven't had more than one day off in a row since February.

This is simply spurting out what's in my head. Nothing profound. (Although I may post soon about automatic shut offs). Almost a reminder to myself that sometimes I do have good days - even after hard ones.

Some Days...

Some days can hold me for an entire week. Yesterday was a fun, exciting, somewhat momentous day - one that might hold for even longer than a week.

Yesterday I:
- started the morning walking with a new friend
- got my oil changed and a new battery put in my car (In my opinion the battery could have waited until next winter, but knowing me I wouldn't do it until the battery died and then that would take a ton of time. So, I'm telling myself I just saved time and headache.)
- met with a real estate broker...haven't committed to anything yet - but at least I know what I'll be looking towards and what is possible
- bought two books with a gift certificate
- drove home with my window open and music blaring
- got my taxes mailed off...and my estimated taxes...without going into the account that I set up recently to save money for my taxes (!) (it's because I got enough back from my 06 taxes that it covered some of my first estimated payment for 07). Also got my checkbook up to date and (I'm fairly certain) all of my bills paid.
- did two loads of laundry
- did dishes
- had a wonderful night out with a friend - dinner at a nice restaurant that she and I have been attempting to go to for a little while and then to the HILARIOUS musical "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change"

It was good and I've got to celebrate that, especially as I look forward to this upcoming day that needs total creativity and work (haven't even started my sermon, or the speech I give next Wed, or the Bible Study I lead tomorrow). Well, here I go - hopefully buoyed up by yesterday, I plan to take on this weekend. Here goes...

The Downside of an Extraordinary Life

I visit a woman who most people would characterized as having "lost it." She talks about knowing the Queen of England and other important people. She has told me of her great importance in many different incredible circles. Every time I visit her she tells me she's going home that day. Her world is extremely different than the one I, and most other people, live in.

Today though, her world was a bit more honest with mine. Her world was most likely the same for her. But, today she told me that it's really hard because people don't believe her.

She's bright - I think in her early 60's. And she knows that people don't believe what she believes. Since she started allowing me to visit (the first few times I tried really aggrivated her) I have gone in with an eagerness of hearing about her world. I simply ask her to tell me more about what she is thinking about. It's not my job to contradict her. And, her theology is always right on (which would be my job).

I had previously thought that she was somewhat oblivious to the way she might be perceived. But, she's not. And I feel sad that she's not.

Maybe it's not so easy to live an extraordinary live.

A Lesson From Childhood That Doesn't Carry Over.

In sixth grade I was a crossing guard. I'm not exactly sure what appeal that role held for me, but nonetheless, I was one for one year. (After that year they asked me to go to crossing guard - or patrol - camp in order to become a captain, I declined and stopped being a crossing guard altogether).

One morning a fight broke out in the commons area between two boys who were each much bigger than I. I got in there and tried to break it up. I don't remember all that much of what happened then, but I do remember sitting in the assistant principal's office later that morning. She was a member of my church and it was a bit odd to have my worlds collide like that.

I remember that she was usually a very tough person, but that this morning she was more motherly toward me. I did receive a lecture though - I should not have gotten involved in that fight. I should have gone for the help of an adult.

Now I look around and I'm the adult. As I came home from work on Sunday I passed a car that was stalled in the middle of the road. No one was honking or impatient, but just calmly driving around the stalled car. As I passed I looked in and there was a man with his chin lowered to his chest. It almost looked like he was sleeping.

I drove by, made my turn, then circled the block and came back. He was still there, although now his head was up. As I pulled into the gas station I realized that the cashier was out in the parking lot, trying to both help this man and take care of any customers who happened to come.

I ran into the middle of the street and as I neared the man in the stalled car started to roll up his window. I asked him if he was alright (I wondered if he'd had a stroke or something) and he lowered the window just a crack. (Keep in mind, I had my clergy shirt on - and was wearing a necklace one of my confirmation kids gave me - a cross). The cashier came back and told me he'd been trying to help the man for some time - but kept having to go back into the store. So, we finally managed to convince the man to put his car in neutral and we pushed it over into a nearby parking lot. The cashier dashed off. I tried to see if I could help the man anymore, but he didn't seem to want any more help. I asked if he knew what he was going to do and he said he'd just keep starting his car.

I wonder how many people passed that man and did nothing. The skinny kid of a cashier and I (still not all that big - and definitely not someone who would be chosen first for any feat of strength) could have used more help.

I worry that too many people got that message as a kid that we shouldn't get involved in other people's problems. It makes sense in some ways - don't be dumb. At one point I wondered if I should offer to give this man a ride somewhere, but decided against it - it would be dumb to give an unknown (and rather large) man a ride. Don't be dumb, but that doesn't mean not to be involved at all.

For this I'm thankful

I am thankful for today.

For the beauty of honesty and forgiveness. For the willingness of one to confess.

For two delightful women - living yards from each other in the same nursing home. Neither remembers much from our conversations. Both laugh, joke, cajole and perk up when I visit. It would have been nice to have known them before Alzheimer's, but it's pretty great to know them now as well.

For my secretary.

For my finance committee chair.

For people who are thinking of the church when possibilities arise.

For teenagers.

For the other congregation and their pastor who come on the 4th Wednesday to make supper.

For colleagues.

For a full house tonight - at dinner, at the clinic, at worship.

For members who reach out.

For members who allow themselves to be reached.

For creative nurses, who see the need for a $4 medicine and figure out a way to get it.

For the trust of a homeless man.

For being in the right place at the right time.

For a warm dry place to sleep.

For a glass of red wine.

For all this I'm thankful. Right now, today. I'm tingling with thankfulness. My eyes are brimming. Sometimes everything seems so very overwhelming and stressful. Sometimes I forget about how very lucky I am.

I feel very blessed.
Thank you, God.

Repetition

Am I repeating the same year over and over again? Second post in a week that I'm referencing a post from last year.

Last year on March 20th I posted this. I had come down with a sinus infection and very much appreciated my trip to Urgent Care.

Well, this year on March 21st I started with a little cough and a sore throat. It was difficult to lead the mostly singing liturgy at the Wednesday evening service, but it went okay. Yesterday (the 22nd) it went full blown and I came home from work - sore throat, achy body, cough. Because I have limited contact with the elderly population for these next few days I'm going to try to stick it out.

It seems I don't have to look out for the Ides of March. But 5-6 days after the Ides. Maybe it's Lent, maybe it's Spring, maybe it's a delayed reaction to turning older.

All I know is that next year for my birthday I'm asking for Vitamin C and Zinc.

GS is for Cookie

The last few years I've been amazed at the speed in which the Girl Scout cookies I've ordered have disappeared.

It would seem like I had just opened a box and it was empty.

Seriously. Like 1/2 an hour later. No more cookies.

This year I was only hit up by one girl scout. I only ordered 2 boxes from her (one of each of my favorites - S'Mores (or whatever they're called now) and Thin Mints) because I thought other badge-earners would soon be following. Alas! Only two boxes this year.

The S'Mores were gone after 3 days. I was purposely limiting myself because of the supposed scarcity of the cookies. But, then, it was at least 3 weeks before I even opened my Thin Mints. And, I only ate 2 when I first opened them (two days ago). And, I still am on the first sleeve of cookies.

I'm almost fearful that something is wrong with me. I always devour these cookies like they're good for me or something. I still like the taste, but for some reason I'm naturally limiting myself.

Scary.

Involved, Invested, Inspired...Irritated

A little over a year ago I posted this. To sum it up - it's about acting as if I was into something to be polite.

It happened again. Except, this time, I was masking some stronger feelings than boredom.

Retreats are supposed to be relaxing and inspiring. Relaxing it was, inspiring - not so much. I also went in expecting to have 2 of the other retreatants irritate me the entire time. Good news: One of them was incredibly tolerable - even enjoyable. Bad news: the other was in top form and I had to be incredibly aware of my facial expressions whenever she spoke (which was often).

But, with one exception, I think I faked my way through it. I think people will have thought that I was involved, invested, and inspired. The one exception was addressing this one irritant and a particular comment she made that was offensive to me. (She made others that were too, but this was the only one I reacted to).

Do other people just not say something? Am I hearing her completely wrong? Maybe to both.

The retreat did have some very good parts. A parishioner of mine was there. I got to spend time with the two other pastors who were there and some other people who are quite enjoyable. The sisters at the retreat center were amazing and they had a fantastic book store. I got to walk by the lake and eat good food prepared by other people. I got to be part of and lead worship that felt meaningful.

I just wish I didn't feel like I was faking it during the cheesy parts.

Cheers to me.

Last night 18 fabulous friends joined me in celebrating my 30th birthday. As someone who is habitually single, I've often hosted "gatherings" or "get-togethers" in my own honor.

I love celebrations - it's one reason I love worship (good worship that is...). And, I like to mark occasions. I notice when my odometer turns, I recognize anniversaries of various events (although, I must admit...I'm good at doing this with my own things, not others - how horribly self-involved that makes me seem).

It does feel a little odd to invite people to come and celebrate me and I hope that I am able to maneuver the line of being celebratory of me, and helping others have a good time. And it helps when I have such cool friends who enjoy getting to meet each other and can entertain themselves.

It also helps when the location is a brewery.

In my head I have this running commentary that has helped me realize that it's okay to invite people to come and celebrate me. Part of it is something my mom helped me learn - that I have high expectations for some things - that I can't always expect others to fulfill. If I don't want to be crying in my milk (or beer) about no party or no specified time to mark the occasion of entering another decade, then I should just go ahead and do something that I'll enjoy.

So, raise your glass to this blogger entering another year/another decade even.

The Paper Whole

I'm filling out the information to turn into my tax preparers. It's a nifty bit; I'm able to fill out a computer worksheet without ever printing anything.

Except I get nervous about missing something. It's so much easier for me to catch mistakes when it's printed out, so I'll probably print it out when I'm almost done anyway - just to make sure that I answered everything I was supposed to.

It's why I love books and prefer magazines and real newspapers to on-line versions. I think it has something to do with the way I learn - but what it comes down to is that I'm able to see the whole of an item at one time. I think it's that I get a sense of seeing the breadth, depth and length of what it is I'm tackling.

When it's nice and tidy on a computer screen I have no sense of any of those things.

*** OH - D and B made it safely to their friend's home in London. D didn't eat any of the plane food, but everything stayed down once they left my house. It sounded like they got some good sleep and were relaxed and ready for the rest of their adventure.***

Can't get a fix

I'm hoping that by the time my brother might read this, what I'm about to write will be one of those stories you tell and not still an uncomfortable memory.

My younger bro and his wonderful girlfriend are currently flying over the Atlantic Ocean and will land in London, hopefully around 4:30am our time. They came into Milwaukee yesterday and spent the night with me until I brought them to O'Hare this afternoon.

It was wonderful to see them before their adventure...but, both became extremely sick in the night. Not only did they have no food in their stomachs, not only were they unsure about how much they could keep down, but they also had very little sleep. And, then their plane sat on the runway for an hour and a half prior to take off.

Yes, they will survive. Yes, they're heading first to London for about a week and a friend's home from college - so they'll not only know the language, but at least will know a friendly face. But (and now it becomes about me...), I've got this pit in my stomach.

Last night and this morning I've just wanted to make it all better - to make it more comfortable for them. I wanted to give them the time to sleep it off, to not be anxious about an 8 hour plane ride, to take away the upset stomach. I couldn't do any of it. I couldn't fix a thing. I hate that.

I'm praying for D. and B. tonight - that they might be able to rest on the plane. That they might be able to keep some food down (and the food will taste alright). That they are safe and comfortable. That they'll find their way to the place they are staying easily. That their entire trip is much better than this beginning.

I guess, prayer is about all I can do.

Pre-written

This week, like many recently, was all about finishing something in time, but with no extra lag time. I'm just barely pulling it through.

I am grateful for this blog - and the opportunity to put metaphor to my life differently than I do elsewhere - because I just stole the majority of the previous blog about tools for my newsletter article. I changed it and had it talk about tools for returning to God during Lent, but because I had previously written the story out, it flew out of me so quickly that the newsletter article was done in no time.

Now, if only there was a way for my taxes to be done that way.

Having the Right Tools

Earlier this month I bought this from IKEA. It's been partially put together in my living room since I got it home. It seems I was missing a particular tool (maybe an awl?) that would make it easier to put the wheels on.

I persistently worked on the screws enough that I had stripped one and didn't really want to torture my hands any more than I already had, so I decided I needed an electric screwdriver. I thought about buying one, but have not made it to the store to even price them or do any research, and I would think I'd like to know what I was getting into with something like that.

So, I finally borrowed one and got the wheels on....only to have multiple other problems that finally got (almost) figured out. I love doing this kind of building-by-number thing...and could see myself getting into further projects that don't come with ready-made pieces. But, I really need the right tools.

So, as many of these posts go, this too goes back to how I'm managing at my job. February has been so much better than January. People are starting to know of some of the happenings in January - and that feels a little bit like wading through some unknowns as to how to lead. BUT - I do feel like I have some competent, good, newly-in-place "tools" in the form of people who are stepping into certain positions.

Before now I feel like I've been trying to do every single job with a Phillips Head Screwdriver and a hammer...my tool box is expanding...I just hope these new tools feel competent, challenged and fulfilled.

Sunday Wishes

It's the same story every week.

On Thursday I say, "I'll get it done Saturday."

I get the big stuff done on Saturday.

But, on Saturday, I say, "I'll get all the odds and ends done on Sunday."

And then I wake up worrying that I'll forget the odds and ends and have little bits of paper all over the place and multiple e-mails to myself.

I wish I was more organized. I wish I could look forward to Sunday morning for what I hope it is for everyone else. I wish this could all be more laid back.

Insider

I was allowed in tonight - into a frigid camp under a freeway.

I was allowed in tonight - into the pain of a father's concern for his (grown) son whom no insurance company will accept - and whose medication costs $1500 a week.

I was allowed in today - into excited expectation for the coming role.

I was allowed in today - into the homebound woman's fears...even if she won't allow me in her home.

I admit, I take some joy and glee at reading celebrity gossip rags. I also enjoy many different forms of reality television. In some ways, each of these are ways people are allowed into others' lives.

I think I have it better being allowed in to real people's lives.

Grumpy Old Men

I have an affinity for grumpy old men.

I love 'em.

I don't have a specific age group in mind with "old." Some are actually rather young.

One of my favorite grumpy old men just died.

He was a member of my call committee and loved by many (including me).

He was ready and faced it bravely, making the decision to be put on palliative care himself and to eat sugar (no more Splenda) now that he didn't need to watch his diabetes.

At Christmas Eve he wasn't doing so well and came to worship in a wheelchair. Prior to this he had been quite agile and able to move around well. He had been scheduled to serve communion that night. I approached him and said that we could figure something out if he wasn't able to be a communion assistant. But, he said he wanted to serve. And so he did.

From his wheelchair he offered people the blood of Christ. For some people, that will be their last memory of him.

He was not shy about the fact that going into the interview with me he did not think a young woman could be his pastor. He was also not shy about the fact, that he was proud that they did call me.

Blessings, Grumpy Old Man. Rest in Peace.

Into the wild blue yonder

Uff da. January is tough. It was last year too. There is a lot to prepare. But, more than that, there are a lot of people who are struggling in some way or another. Just when I feel I've been present to one and they are moving forward another one comes. Only a couple are emotionally draining (those with whom I've been close prior to their hardship), but all are time draining.

I find I begin to wait for this time to be over. Something in me senses that once I get past each of these things my work will be less difficult.

There have been two situations in particular that have been difficult. Recently when talking with a friend I mentioned my involvement in my workplace as we attempt to raise and borrow money for a new heating and A/C system (and a few other things). She asked me, "How do you know what to do?" I said, I don't, I just ask people questions and then wing it.

That's what I'm doing in these other situations. I don't know what to do. But, I know I have to do something. I've asked the right people (other professionals who have been trained to deal with this sort of thing) but that doesn't mean that everything will go according to the ideal plan. In some ways it's freeing to say "I don't know what the heck I'm doing." Even if it's just to myself (and this blogging community).

I got an e-mail from a parishioner who has been involved in this heating system stuff who hear a devotion I lead last night that talked about God in the midst of chaos. He mentioned that he forgets that a lot of this is probably new for me too - that I seem so wise and capable that he forgot that this might be new territory for me.

I'm both scared by that and honored. Wow - am I so much of a non-anxious presence that when my anxiety is truly there (like when talking about taking on hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt) I don't show it? Hah! Fooled them.

Jean Therapy

After a long and exhaustive search -

hours upon hours spent,

miles upon miles trod,

stores upon stores scoured,

and failure upon failure.....

I have found store where multiple pairs of jeans fit me!

I only purchased one pair this visit....but, I will return.

(Seriously, the last pair of jeans I was really happy with were found the winter that spanned 2001-2002...and they're falling apart. I've been looking intently for 2 years - and desperately for the last year.)

Alleluia.

Sit

I'm always amazed when it seems like I do nothing whatsoever and people feel like I'm doing so much.

We are doers - so much so that it's depressing for many elderly as they become less and less able to do what they formerly did.

But, I've sat with people a lot recently. Not doing anything...because really, what could I do?

My heart is hurting for some. It's sometimes in my throat for others - or in my stomach for still others. And I can't do anything.

And that's okay.

Today, my office was a safe place to share - earlier this week I was the person who hadn't yet heard the stories a million times - this weekend I'll be one who doesn't shun one embroiled in sin.

In a common confession we confess for the things we've done and the things we've left undone. But, it's not always about doing or not doing something. Although it's not very easy, I feel privileged to do my job by just sitting with another.

A Mirror to my Psyche

It seems that the busier I am, the more I get done and the happier I am.

My mom and I were talking about this phenomenon last night & she mentioned that it means that she doesn't have to figure out what her priorities are, the priorities do it for her.

I think that might be somewhat true for me - people don't wonder why I might not follow through with them in the same manner this week because they know what I'm preparing for. And, so, I'm able to do more reaching out than responding to people's self-prescribed emergencies. Also, actually having to deal with true emergencies helps me to put those other petty things in perspective.

Interruptions to my set schedule are important - it's how I find out a lot. It's part of my job - having time when people know they can catch me.

The other part is that I don't allow myself to get wrapped up in dumb things of my own doing. I'm preparing to have some people over to my house later this afternoon and I have these phone books that I keep meaning to take to recycle. They keep slowly moving towards the door and I don't want to hinder their movement. So, I put them in the corner of the staircase that has room for them and thought I might wrap them up like presents and set something on top of them to be decoration. Well, if I weren't quite so busy I might do that (which would then waste some time that I could use other places). Instead, they'll be (hopefully) covered by a cloth, maybe with something cute placed on top. But, rather than spend any time even considering wrapping - I was able to make a better decision.

I know, silly. Minor. But, a mirror to my psyche. :) (And, there's the title of the post).

A Fly on the Wall

Every once in a while my office's phone messaging system receives a message that seems as if someone accidentally dialed.

I think usually people listen to the really long message and either fade off or think they've hung up when they haven't.

I get a kick out of these calls - and sometimes feel as if I should listen for a little while in case the person was trying to leave a message and then got distracted. There's something somewhat scandalous listening into these snippets in people's lives that they didn't mean to share. Today all I heard was a TV in the background. Sometimes I've heard conversations that I haven't been able to understand any but a few words. I've heard someone scolding a dog and another person singing.

I'm amused by the frequency of these calls.

Breaking Anonymity

I'm frustrated with Blogger right now.

I already have 3 accounts and I was starting a new web page for the new book club I'm in. I didn't want a 4th account - so I tried to make two different names under the same account. Blogger help says I can do it. But nothing I do (even when I think I'm following the directions correctly) is working.

It makes me want to swear.

So, here I am - first name - out there, out in the open. It's such an unusual one, I'm sure my anonymity is completely gone.

Signed,
The Former Amused.

Nerdy

I wasn't really a true nerd in High School or College - I was just shy. I did, however, become a nerd in seminary. So much excites me about the stuff I'm supposed to be studying and teaching and preaching.

Amazingly, I continue to have new revelations - new insights...even if they are sometimes misguided. This entire season of Advent has been one - a new look at what we're actually doing (and it's not that we are awaiting a tiny little baby).

I get to teach about the Bible - the history - the way we read it - the interesting characters in it. It's not just about preaching a message - but about getting others to talk about what it might mean for our lives. It's exciting.

And when we're done in our Adult Bible Study class, we're going to bake communion bread.

I'm so lucky. And, I'm so nerdy. I can really claim it now.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same

You've Changed 56% in 10 Years

You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person.You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howmuchhaveyouchangedin10yearsquiz/">How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Saturday Night Theologian

Lately, I've been a Sat. Night theologian. Sometimes (like this morning) not even starting my sermon until Saturday late-morning. I had done a lot of study and thinking prior to this morning, but nothing was being formatted.

It's 6pm. I am almost done w/ my sermon. I've got some Bible Study planning to do. But, I'm feeling ready.

I have yet to be able to tell what makes a good sermon. I mean, I know mine aren't publish-worthy. I don't know that they would ever be. My writing style needs the right emphases and vocal tones - a lot of my sermon is what happens when I'm actually preaching (ad libbing included).

But, every time I think I totally bomb (or, rather, theologically, somehow block the spirit's work) someone comes up and says they think it was a great sermon. When I think I've had a good sermon, there is little to no response. I don't know what that means. Does it mean that people aren't sure what I'm saying? Does it mean that I can't get other people excited about what excites me? Does it mean I'm off base?

I get frustrated because it feels like I can't read my audience. And, because it's my job to connect, to get people thinking, I get frustrated that I can't seem to know how to do that - that I just stumble into it.

Unfortunately, it seems like I have a better success at stumbling into it when I do write my sermons on Saturday night. I'm not sure what that means either.

Day by Day

Sometimes it's a Nocturne by Chopin, sometimes it's the opening chapter of the Gospel of John, sometimes it's a song by an up and coming artist.

Yesterday it was something I can usually count on. Yesterday, I knew God's overwhelming presence through the following hymn:

Day by Day

Day by day, your mercies, Lord, attend me,
bringing comfort to my anxious soul.
Day by day, the blessings, Lord, you send me
draw me nearer to my heav'nly goal.
Love divine, beyond all mortal measure,
brings to naught the burdens of my quest;
Savior, lead me to the home I treasure,
where at last I'll find eternal rest.

Day by day, I know you will provide me
strength to serve and wisdom to obey;
I will seek your loving will to guide me
o'er the paths I struggle day by day.
I will fear no evil of the morrow,
I will trust in your enduring grace.
Savior, help me bear life's pain and sorrow
till in glory I behold your face.

Oh, what joy to know that you are near me
when my burdens grow too great to bear;
oh, what joy to know that you will hear me
when I come, O Lord, to you in prayer.
Day by day, no matter what betide me,
you will hold me ever in your hand.
Savior, with your presence here to guide me,
I will reach at last the promised land.

Ouch, pinching hurts.

A wise friend told me last week that my church and I sound like we are at a "pinch point." From what he said, it sounds like it's the time when we are recognizing each other's weaknesses and having to determine that we are going to deal with them.

I know I've let people down in the last year and a half, and yet for some reason, it seems like right now that is happening a lot. I know I've been let down too, and I sometimes forget that. It took me relating a particular story to my mom and her saying, "well, that's kind of mean" for me to realize that, yeah, it is. I sometimes lack that perspective.

It was actually only one particular instance that seemed to pinch really hard. But, that pinch left a bruise and all of the other little pinches that usually just tickle a little now hurt.

It was good to be with family these past few days, with people who love me no matter what. People I can literally physically lean on. A place where I don't have to wonder what I'm going to feed myself or how close I am to being out of toilet paper. In some ways, a place to nurse my wounds.

My bruise is now just starting to yellow and fade. I'm still sensitive. Last Monday I shared with the council that I had been having a hard week (the week before) - it was good to figuratively lean on them - even if they don't know what all of the weight I'm carrying is - they know that I'm struggling. And sometimes that's all I need.

To let someone else know that I'm hurting.

The picture of generosity

I don't think I even grasp the enormity of the Spirit at work. I can't even begin to express the generosity of people who have nothing.

Today, I preached from the Gospel of Mark - about the scribes who are full of themselves and devour widows houses & the poor widow who gave all that she had (2 coins worth a penny) to the temple's treasury. I focused on the Point of View - or the focus of each character - and that of Jesus.

I've written about our homeless man that is more a part of our congregation than many members. He attends almost every Sunday. He helps out on church work days and comes during the middle of the week to rake leaves or help with other outside labor. He brings tears to my eyes and humbles me in conversation about his faith (and right now as I type). He's kind, considerate, humble, works to hold his temper around some of the other campers - basically he lives with - who drink too much. He likes to sleep outside and feels stifled inside.

Today after the service (and after my sermon about the poor widow who gave everything), he came up to me to shake my hand (like many parishioners do) and told me the following story: yesterday he found himself (for the first time) at a particular agency that works with homeless people. He said that he stumbled upon their board meeting and everyone was invited to it. There were door prizes & he won a digital camera. Would we have any use for it?

We have had a digital camera on our "wish list" for a little more than 1/2 a year. We accepted the camera, and will put it to good use, as he would want us to.

I'm starting to get the feeling that my time here in this congregation is going to be defined more by my interaction with this one man than with anyone or anything else. I am humbled, amazed and inspired by him. I truly see Christ in him, even if he doesn't see it for himself. (We're working on that - on how he embodies Christ's love in the world).

When she told me her grandson had returned from Iraq, the tiny 80-something dedicated saint actually jumped up and down. She's a calm, reasonable woman, but she jumped up and down - and I left with a lipstick mark on my cheek.

I got to hold an 8 month old baby with big blue eyes today. Apparently she loves to dance to Christina Aguliara. Her mom says it's better than Justin Timberlake.

Last night I got to play detective as the Property chair and I walked through the building to be sure no one was camping out there. Apparently a man had been in a back staircase the day we have an older adults group - he ran out the outside door when the "older adult" surprised him. I love church buildings - I could walk around sanctuaries in the dark all the time. Of course, we also had to look through the basement. The Property chair let me hold the flashlight.

Supporting the self-sufficient and secretive

It's not uncommon for people to invite me into their pain and tell me they don't want anyone to know.

Two more people have cancer. Neither wants anyone to know.

Neither wants me to go to any extra effort with them (whether bringing communion to the one who is homebound or going and praying with the other while (or before) her chemo at the hospital).

Both want me to pray.

And, I get it. I think I would be like that too. It is difficult when so many people continuously ask "how are you doing?" with that look of pity in their eyes. It's even more difficult if no one goes to any extra effort to offer care.

I'm not sure how much to push it for these women who have a hard time asking for help. I'll call to check in. Should I ever show up unannounced? That seems like it's going too far.

An off-topic PS - when I spell-checked, one of the suggestions to replace "Chemo" was "Cheney." Well, he does sometimes induce vomiting and loss of hair.

Mob Mentality

I spent a lot of this week standing outside in a crowd of people listening to someone speak/demand/incite.

Yeah, I got to hear Barack Obama (who really does give me hope for our country) and Cindy Sheehan and I got to be part of a symbolic backdrop for something that received little to no press (against reinstating the death penalty).

One of my parishioners regularly asks me where the activist clergy are. He wants someone to lead an outcry against injustice. He wants marches in the streets with angry shouts and rallies. We've had some good conversations around this, especially around the incredible isolation of leadership and need for support for said activist clergy.

But, I also wonder about the climate. I've taken part in marches and gatherings and protests. I believe in using my voice, in gathering people to do so together, bringing a more powerful presence. But, do these protests, do these marches, to these gatherings ever bring about change? It seems reactionary rather than progressive. Couldn't the same amount of energy produce greater results by working for justice in different ways.

Am I just becoming cynical? or worse, lazy? or even worse, ambivalent?

I do get that people are energized by these events. And, a show of support (my main purpose for attending two of these events - Barack was for fun) encourages and gives credence to someone's position.

Maybe I just don't like crowds (and maybe this is a good excuse to avoid practicing my sermon at 9:30 on Saturday night).

Barely contained...

My Canadian pastor friend, Jason, called last night to say hi and to run the concept of his sermon by me. On this Reformation Sunday he, in true Lutheresque mode, decided that the best metaphor for sin is farting.

You know, that sometimes we just can't help it, that it can pervade the room or be silent, but deadly, or be a little toot that no one notices. He also likened it to the fact that sometimes we try to blame it on someone else, or worse yet (my opinion) that we proudly claim it.

So, for worship at my congregation this morning we had a former pastor back to share the Word in continued celebration of our 75th Anniversary year. He also had the children's sermon and started to talk about sin - and that sometimes it just builds up and builds up until you just need to confess- and at about that time I could feel the giggles building up and building up inside me.

He and the parents that were up there with their kids probably just thought I was smiley broadly as he shared the Word with the kids. If only they knew what I was thinking...

Pastor = Me = Friend

I had a really good pastoral day yesterday. Since kids in public schools in this area had off, I had one of my monthly classes - from 9-12...we only got through 2/3rds of what I'd planned, but they were asking good questions and were invested.

Had three intense and good pastoral visits with people - over surgery, death, and theological discovery.

But, I worry. I think one of the same things that makes me a good pastor makes me a good friend. And, when I overuse my good listening and making connections muscles in my job, they're just worn out and weak when I talk with friends.

No matter how interesting, how entertaining, how close I feel to the person, I find myself distracted and not as able to make connections or listen as carefully.

I do, however, bubble over with talking about myself. And so it sometimes becomes a bit of a lopsided conversation.

I guess what I have going for me is that I'm self-aware. At least I know my tendencies.

It's not really what I want to say. But, it's what I can.

My morning was incredibly emotional.

And good.

However, with the exception of how my parents and my sermon were received by my congregation, everything that I really feel like I would want to share is not appropriate for me to share at this point.

So - people were so very nice to my folks. It was an interesting group that gathered around them at coffee hour this morning. Huh. I just realized it was four of the six members of the call committee that were sitting at the table with them for some of the time.

My mom and dad said it was a really interesting conversation - about war and forgiveness (inspired somewhat by my sermon). They had similar impressions of some people as I have (or do). Which was good - reinforced some gut instincts I've had about people.

My sermon seemed to connect to people from various points of view. We held worship in the fellowship hall because our heat hasn't been turned on yet and the fellowship hall is naturally warmer than the sanctuary. I wonder if the space makes preaching more effective. So, now the question is - do I want to do something about that? And if so - what?

Sometimes I hate confidentiality. What I really want to reflect on is confidential. Maybe I should dust of the old paper journal in my nightstand.

Healthy Souls

Had a healing service this am. I had been freaking out a little bit beforehand because I was not nearly as prepared as I should have been. And yet - it was amazing.

Our practice is that people are invited forward to kneel at the altar to receiving laying on of hands and anointing with oil. They generally are asked if there is anything in particular for which they'd like to pray. Usually people have tons of physical ailments and there is never any mention of mental/emotional or spiritual health. Each time we've had one of these things I've mentioned the entirely of health, not only focusing on physical ailments. But, maybe it was my sermon, maybe it was because the building was cold (we haven't turned our heat on yet), maybe it's recognition that we are more than our physical selves - a large percentage of people asked for prayer for a specific emotional/mental or spiritual health issue - either for themselves or for a loved one.

From bi-polar disorder, to impatience, to doubt, to inability to forgive, to feeling betrayed by the institutional church...it was amazing. If you can't verbalize this stuff with God and at church something is not right.

Unfortunately, I also found out that 2 people have recently been diagnosed with cancer and a third is having another test after she's been in remission for a little over a year. Not the way I like to discover that. Ick.

Judge Amused

Sometimes I feel so shallow. People come to me with these big problems and tell me about the episodes that change their lives. What do I say? How do I guide them? I have no wisdom for them.

Most of the time I don't really need to know anything - just to guide people to help them to see God working in their lives. But, every once in a while, part of my job is to help people keep in check.

With my job I've actually told someone that she was sinning and that she needed to stop it. I've sat across from a different someone and said that her feelings were valid, but that the action she was contemplating needed to be checked.

Who the heck am I to be saying that to someone?

Recently I sat next to someone whom I constantly judge. This person is one whom I sometimes think of when forming a sermon that talks about greed or superiority. And, it's unfair. Yes, I get a bit of a negative vibe from her - not because she is negative, I just don't trust her. But, she has done very little to make me mistrust her. Who needs to be judged here? Looks like me.

Priority of Dilemmas

Dilemma: I leave in 40 hours for a Wonderful Week aWay.
I have a bunch of delicious food that will be good for some time, however, each thing, if opened, will go bad before I get back.

I love that this is the dilemma that consumes me (heh, no pun intended) and stops me in my ability to act. It's not the fact that our cleaning person basically is not able to do the work and we have no one filling in. Nor the fact that we need to have someone come open the building next Monday night and no one has stepped forward. Nor the fact that I'm unable to do everything I'd like to before I leave tomorrow.

I guess it comes right down to Maslow's hierarchy of needs - if the belly isn't satisfied, nothing else matters.

Too Much 2

I typed the title "Too Much" and my computer remembered that I had previously titled something "Too Much." Is that Much Too Much?

But, yet again, here I am, feeling like Too Much is happening. Too Much work. Too Much food eaten alone (not too much because of the amount of food but because of the frequency of singleness).

Too Much BIG STUFF. Like, publicly calling city officials on inappropriate behavior. Like, being challenged by a fellow clergy person for wanting (too much) definition. Like, pushing my congregation into a possibly politically charged thing it may not be ready for. Like, opening up the "BIG KITCHEN DEBATE 2006". Like helping another congregation choose a pastor.

And, for some reason, my congregation is attracting more and more people who have mental and/or emotional challenges. And, they take a little more patience and time.

Currently, I have two Sunday worships, a wedding, a 3-hour long confirmation time, and 11 days before a glorious week of vacation. I'll be ready for that time away with dear ones. If anything is too much then - it'll be all those things that we want too much of - friends, food, fun, sleep (oh, sleep).

Good Council

An hour and a half council meeting tonight. Good work done. There was some intensity around a recurring issue that came up in a committee report (having to do with one of our ministries). After spending 20 minutes on it the council came to a conclusion. Later on our agenda was this very same issue (that we thus didn't need to spend any time on) but one of the council members asked if I would relay a touching story that I had previously told him of how this ministry has made a difference in a person's life. He said, "After going around and around for months and months on such a petty issue, it's good to remember that what we do isn't about [the issue], but about the ministry we do."

So true.

My congregation's council is so good right now. We had a retreat on Saturday. They have and are working hard. And they have and are doing a fantastic job. It is such a relief. (I say as I realize that I am energized after this meeting - and that the last truly bad council meeting I remember was last November. From Aug-Nov of '05 council meetings were at least 3 hours long. Miserable.)

Another issue (from this very same ministry) was included on the committee report as a recommendation. It had very little information and did not really come out of a meeting, but out of the committee chair's head when she was writing up the other recommendation. In the past, I've had to be the one to note that there really wasn't any specific request, so we really didn't have anything to talk about. This time, it was noted, it was discussed for all of 2 minutes as to what the person might mean. It was then determined that we needed to table it to ask for more clarification from the committee. In the past, this would have been an issue that went on for 1/2 an hour. I'm so proud.

Yes, recognition of what isn't being done correctly came out of this meeting. Recognition of some problems (like one of the committee chairs is sending her committee reports via e-mail, but they aren't being received...arrgh!). But, it feels like I am part of a great team.
Amen.

Mouth - opened or closed

The following may be a mess of thoughts without direction or center.

I have been bouncing back and forth rapidly between feeling the need to shut up, be humble, and think through what I say carefully on one side and on the other the gut instincts, the education I've been given through books, class, and life, and the emotion that drives me through frustration and urgency of purpose.

In the last month I have put my foot in my mouth frequently. I have often challenged others - hopefully making them think about something, possibly alienating them from myself. I have allowed myself to be triggered - and I have responded well in some situations where I would have felt like a putz if I said nothing. I have responded not so well when the same urgency hasn't been there.

I sometimes don't know when to open my mouth. But then, there are some times that I don't know when to keep it shut. I sometimes am too nice. But then, sometimes I am too blunt - sometimes even rude.

I suppose I'm still learning - as I always will be, but it's a higher curve right now.

I just wished I wasn't always second guessing myself right now. Should I have said something else? Should I have spoken up? Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

The Soundtrack of My Life

The potency of music astounds me. I subscribe to Paste Magazine, which sends out it's magazine 6 times a year with a CD of music (and sometimes a DVD included as well. The music is usually stuff I haven't yet heard, but some of which will soon be popular. Some of the artists are known, some are not.

I'm playing the newest CD this morning, I haven't yet gotten all the way through it. But, a couple of the songs have completely tugged at my emotions - pulling out emotions of melancholy, of contentment, of wonder, of excitement. The music takes over.

Worship is like this for me too. I need music - both the stuff that has stood the test of time, but also the new stuff. It's such a challenge to balance these two at times, especially when the best singers prefer the old stuff, but I think we're doing okay at singing stuff everyone knows most of the time, with one newer selection thrown in a Sunday.

And, now we're talking about changing liturgy - scary :)

Anyway, on NPR a while ago there was someone who was talking about what happens in the brain during music. I don't remember the specifics, but the music that pulls us the most is often the music that throws in a surprise - something that goes along with the expected, but then has a key change or a different note or word that intrigues us. And, that brings us satisfaction in some way.

I suppose, music in some ways is an acting out of life - or a singing out of life. The emotions, the urges, and the desire for some order within chaos.

Knocked upside the head

My congregation has a weekly soup kitchen. Lately I've felt reluctant to attend...and due to not feeling the greatest this afternoon contemplated skipping. I'm so glad I didn't.

It was a bit of a rough start because I had to have one of those sit-downs in order to iron out the juvenile temper tantrum by a member who is old enough to be....well, somewhere between my mother and grandmother. This conversation went longer than I had time for...but the temper tantrum is over (and has been moved past with fantastic results).

Anyway, that's not why I'm writing. I had some amazing conversations tonight. A family that used to attend regularly, but has been MIA for the last 4 months returned, only to say they are moving "up north" this weekend. I hope it's a good move for them. They don't have it easy here.

One of our "campers" was extremely agitated and one of the volunteers rushed over to get me. I sat down with her and learned that a man who had been rifling through her belongings last night came and sat down at their table as if nothing had happened. She was pissed - and scared. We talked for a while...going through feelings of anger, fear, excitement at a relatively new relationship, talking about how to appropriately deal with the anger (which she apologized for swearing and then went on to say in the same breath "but that da** mother f***er was going through my sh**). We talked for a long time with many hugs - and many tears. I went back to my dinner and watched her from across the room as she proceeded to calmly eat her meal, then, pick up her bag and go to another table where she joined other campers.

I had barely finished my 2nd bite of food when I was interrupted by the same man who the woman accused of rifling through her stuff. He knew me (I recognized him...but couldn't recall his name). He proceeded to tell me some of what's been going on with his life...including the job he lost, the plan to do a jobs program, that he's been drinking again (which anyone would have been able to tell), and that he lost his Bible. We talked for a long time and I think I played my role well...but I hadn't thought he would retain anything. And, he might not...but I overheard him telling the doctor (our congregation has just started hosting a monthly free clinic), "Did you know the pastor here is a woman? Before I met her I had never met a woman pastor. I don't usually listen to women. My mom, my sister, my girlfriend...I don't listen to any of them. But, she's a pastor, she's got authority. I've got to listen to her. And, she knows what she's talking about." Remember, he's drunk. I'm not delusional to think I've changed his life forever...but I sat in my office simultaneously entertained, honored, hopeful, and skeptical.

The next encounter I had was with a man who just needed to talk to for a couple minutes. He didn't want anything, but he lost his job last week (due to asking to switch his schedule because he is training for another job) and will start at that new job in two weeks. He said he'll be okay, but after next week things might be tight for a little while. I'm glad he told me...I asked him if he wanted to take any canned food tonight and he said "No, not now. I might next week though."

But, the topper? A "camper" who had been attending the summer Wednesday communion service (but not taking communion) came up to tell me that his been working through some of his thoughts about God - and that I and the congregation have helped him to feel God's love. He actually said "you show God's love to so many people." and "God's love shines through you and through the others who work here." He is someone who is always very authentic in who he is...or at least has seemed to be. He's planning to come on Sunday. He hadn't wanted to commune because he thought he couldn't put God's sacrament into his "unclean" body. (Meaning spiritually, not physically).

Tears keep welling up as I think of him. When he said he was wanting to come on Sunday I emphasized that he is very welcome to come - and is welcome to come to communion. I said, "we believe that we take communion not because we are clean, but so that we might be clean. Communion is given to us - and we ask God to work within us...it's assurance that God is working within us."

"That's the conclusion I came to." He responded. "See you Sunday."

Slump

Slump - it's how I'm sitting, it's what I feel my sermons have been in, it's what I feel I'm in. Even my plants are all slumping! Oh, maybe they just need water.

I have ideas. I have energy around these ideas. I just don't have energy around getting other people excited about these ideas. And, I'm feeling a scarcity of these people's time. It's not that people don't want to be committed. It's just there are other life situations that come in.

Man, now I'm just complaining. I have barely gotten back after vacation - I haven't taken the time to sit down and map out what I need to do. It's all possible - I just feel like I'm the one that needs to get organized before any of it happens.

I'm feeling lazy.

So I slump.

In the cups?

I love that as you drive through WI on I-90 and I-94 it's entirely possible to constantly listen to NPR. The stations' schedules may be entirely different and so you might very well listen to the same program two hours in a row - but for the most part it offers the opportunity to be an NPR junkie.

As I returned from a glorious vacation at my family cabin (that's what vacation should be - reading, sleeping, in the water, playing games, cooking, eating, chatting with loved ones), I heard on NPR that Milwaukee topped the Forbes list of "America's Drunkest Cities." Huh, I thought - not too unusual. I've often thought people drink here more than most other places I've lived....until I heard that Minneapolis-St. Paul was #2.

Yesterday morning, it was the front page article. And, wouldn't you know it - not only is Minneapolis-St. Paul second, but Austin, Texas is fifth and Chicago is sixth. So, other than college (which incidentally while I was there I heard a rumor that it was known as a great party college because of one weekend in the spring - not that I think it was considered that by most who attended), the only place that I have lived that wasn't included on the list was Tacoma.

So, according to this list, in order for me to round out the top six, I need to live in Columbus, OH and Boston. How's that for some direction?

Self-Centered

I had an interaction yesterday that bugged me. And, it was glaringly obvious that my role in the interaction was what bugged me. It was also glaringly obvious that the reason the interaction happened at all was due to the other person's insecurities.

I don't think it's always true, but I do believe that most of the time we like someone or something based upon how it makes us feel. If someone makes us feel intelligent or like we have worth, we appreciate that person. If we feel as if they don't really care to know about us we feel indifferent or even dislike him or her.

But, do those people that make us feel like they care really care? Or, are they just better at playing the game of schmooze.

I think I'm fairly good at the game of schmooze. I have begun to realize lately though, that I do disregard some people without really realizing it. I might be fully aware of the person, but choose not to put the energy into an interaction.

At some continuing ed in July I sat down next to one of my classmates and asked him how his week had been. Instead of answering my question he said "You want to sit next to me? I thought you didn't like me!" To be honest, I found some of his actions a little annoying, and I didn't fall into the youngish crowd's way of cliquishly doing things - so I may have avoided some of them. But, I had not consciously thought of avoiding him or whether I liked him or not. But, what did I communicate to him? I obviously communicated something that did not affirm him.

I wonder if I do this in my congregation as well. I've been thinking about how I make people feel.