Bumps in the Road - Hazards? or Speed Humps?

"I'm doing alright, but if you'd asked me last week it would have been a different answer. Let's just say I had a few bumps."

So I said this afternoon to a fellow fabulous female frocked one (hee!). And, yeah, I did have a few bumps last week. They didn't end the honeymoon, but they were not the highlight of it either. But these bumps meant that I was challenged - I had to think like a pastor, not just react. I had to take myself out of it in some ways, because it wasn't about me - it was about me being my role.

These bumps never threatened to derail me or cause me to bottom out completely, but they did 'cause me to slow down a bit. It is a long, and somewhat winding journey ahead - I can't see how far this goes or what we'll come upon before we reach the end. Right now I'm not even sure when the next curve is...but I think we just came around one. And the bumps are just part of the journey. However, maybe I should look into better shocks.

What's wrong with me? I'm not lonely!

As I was sitting on my back porch, watching downtown Milwaukee's fireworks tonight I realized something: I'm not lonely. True, I've only been here for, ah, let's see - two weeks as of tomorrow. True, I do interact with people regularly at work. True, I greatly miss friends and family. True, I do have a friend or two here. BUT - I'm not lonely...and I am amazed.

I know there will be times that I will be lonely - if there were lonely times when I was in Chicago surrounded by many, many friends there will be times that I will be lonely here. I've always had times of loneliness even when surrounded by many close friends. But, amazingly enough, this is not one of them (either the loneliness or the being surrounded by close friends).

I am enjoying a bit of this isolation. I am enjoying the time to myself. I'm reading - fiction, non-fiction. I'm working...I don't think more than I should, but sometimes it's been hard to stop because I've been having so much fun. I'm exercising. I'm socializing a small bit.

I'm in awe of this feeling. Maybe it's different than the year I spent in Texas because I know that within 2 hours are a number of friends who have known me for some time. Maybe it's different because there are at least three times in the next two months where I know I will be spending time with friends or family who know me well...and that's all that I really require. Maybe it's different because I just moved here and the loneliness hasn't set in.

Regardless of why - I am grateful for this time to not be lonely. I just with I could bottle it up and save it for the inevitable times of loneliness in the future. (And to market it to others.)

She's Baa-aack

I've been a reticent poster lately, not because of desire but because of access to private internet. But now, I've got it. I just successfully set myself up (with the help of a lovely CD-Rom) with internet access in my home.

I am feeling very protective of my privacy right now which is a bit silly. I assume that most, if not all, of you reading this knows who I am...and probably knows more about me than I share in these pages. Yet, I treasure being known as Amused. I like having a code name and very little actual fact. I enjoy figuring out ways to say a specific detail in such a way that it remains somewhat ambiguous.

I'm not all that intriguing of a person - but I like the option to be. On a flight from Providence, RI with a friend I recounted that when I was flying to and fro a bit more frequently (and by myself) I would pretend that I was terrified of flying. I stopped pretending because I started to convince myself that I was and I just didn't need a phobia that I didn't have to begin with. Anyway, I would sit in my sit and steal myself for the take off and the landing, glancing around to see if anyone was paying attention to my fear.

It's a bit of pretending to be someone I'm not...which perhaps has been good practice as I begin a career by pretending to be someone I want to be. I'm hoping that the same instinct that began to really feel fear as I pretended, will kick in and I'll really feel confident and like a leader.

'Til then, I'll just keep my secret, Amusing identity wrapped around my shoulders.

Calgon, take me away...

It's hot and muggy and I am supposed to be packing to move as well as packing for the trip I leave on tomorrow at 7:30 am. But, I'm restless. I have had so much to do and so many details to try to pay attention to - and at the present moment I'm just not organized to handle it. I keep thinking that if I can just get the next thing done I will be a bit saner. But I haven't come across that magic accomplishment that leads to sanity. I crossed off all but one thing on my extensive list for today - but I still have a number of things I'd like to accomplish yet tonight.

As in most cases, it will be better once I leave my door tomorrow at 7:30 and can't turn back. Once I am not able to pay attention to it for a short time and once I'm able to sit down on the plane and look forward to some relaxation, a movie, a book, planning a sermon (yes, even that feels relaxing at this point), sitting at the beach, hanging out with a dear friend, attending another dear friend's ordination and then flying back with yet another dear friend. What a whole heck of a lot (much of it relaxing) to look forward to! And, I know that I will be saner once I walk through my door.

Just as, I know I will feel saner once I've gotten into my new apartment (even if I don't have it all put together yet) and once I gotten to my parents' home before my ordination and I even believe that I will feel saner than I do now when I am beginning as Pastor Amused...because there is freshness, excitement, possibility and comfort in each of these things. And it is time to leave the old - and that is why I feel restless and want to run away. Not away from the old, but away from the leaving.

Called

I have been called to a congregation!
Informed on Sunday, continues to slowly slip its way into my conscious.
Ordination date set for June 18th in my home congregation.
I'm going to be a pastor - really? geez! yes! how?!?!?
UFF!

Hooting and Hollering

I'm in the middle of my final paper for my graduate school career. Other than one class period today in which I have very little responsibility, it is the last thing that I have to accomplish before I graduate. Yeah, I'd like to get my apartment a bit cleaner, and yeah, I plan to celebrate with banquets and parties, but it is the absolute last weight of academia left. One little page, single spaced (two pages double), with plenty to say. It is now just a matter of saying it so it makes sense.

I was standing on the corner this morning in the rain talking to a friend. We were having an all too serious conversation for 7:15 in the morning the Thursday before we graduate. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a second-year student (Middlers we like to call them) come out of his apartment and plod his way down the street until he saw us on the corner. At this point he ran towards us yelling "SENIORS RULE!" I felt like I was in high school, and I loved it!

Here at seminary we have things like special sending worship services and receptions to honor graduates - we stay pretty quiet about it, with little hooting and hollering (although we have a large group of us going to a dueling piano bar Friday night called "Howl at the Moon", maybe some hollering will happen there). So, to have someone who is not a senior excited for us - hooting and hollering - made my day.

Maybe we don't hoot and holler because we are reserved Lutherans. Maybe we don't because we worry that those who are not graduating will feel dejected (I could have used a softer word, but that's no fun!). Maybe some people think it is just not dignified and refined to hoot and holler(why do we have to be dignified and refined all the time anyway?). Maybe we don't because it takes energy to hoot and holler and we are scrambling to conserve our energy for the time when family arrives and when we will sit through a 3 hour worship service during which we graduate. Maybe I just have a powerful urge to hoot and holler because I am reaching for ways in which to procrastinate these last few paragraphs of academia.

So, in an effort to remain dignified, not subject anyone to dejection and conserve my energy I am refraining from hooting and hollering for the moment....at least until this paper is completed.

Marking Accomplishments

The day I graduated from college I plucked my first facial hair. Up until that point I had not noticed the sole, long dark hair protruding from my chin. It, and it's younger brothers and sisters, now encounter a tweezers regularly. Plucking hair has become one of my routines.

Yesterday, 10 days before I graduate from seminary, I found my first gray hair. Both of my parents didn't truly start turning gray until their early 50s. They've had a little bit of gray since I became a teenager, but even now at 57 their gray to brown/black hair is probably 1:1. This is all to say, I thought I had a long time before gray arrived. But now, this one little hair that isn't even very long has arrived.

As I left the restroom at school where I discovered it, I started envisioning myself with a full head of gray hair. There is something regal about a silver head. I know it won't happen for a while, but in some ways, I look forward to having the mark of maturity and good life that comes from a healthy head of silver hair - a bit like I want to have those nice smile lines around my eyes.

I'm not planning on more schooling anytime soon. Which is good - I can't imagine what I'd find by the time I graduated then...

Delightful Dan

People who have worked with me in the past have known that I tend to speak of my younger siblings quite often. I think that they are each quite amazing in their own way. I've got a dancing 2-year-younger sister and a brother, 6 years my junior.

My baby brother (from this previous post) will graduate from college in about a month with a BA in psychology and minoring in Philosophy and Religion. He has been accepted into Lutheran Volunteer Corps and will begin a year of service next August. Last Tuesday he called to let me know that he will be going to Oakland, CA and will be working at a place called Thunder Road, a place that works with adolescents overcoming alcohol, drug and nicotine addiction. I am so excited for my little bro' (Dan, thus this post's title) and look forward to hearing his experiences and seeing how he is impacted by this amazing work.

Seeking Metaphor

I'm in the middle of my denomination's call process - a call to ordination to be a pastor. I have had an interview and conversations are continuing. I am struggling to figure out how to go about an intentional process of discernment and have many ideas, but just don't know where to start.

As I flop about on the shore of the unknown I keep trying to make metaphors describe my situation. "The call process is like the beginning of a solitaire game, sometimes the games that seem as if you have no chance of winning are the ones that just seem to work out." "The call process is like the internet, sometimes speedy, sometimes slow - often bringing you to sites you never thought you'd chance upon."

These metaphors pop up in other places too - like when my dad mentioned that he looks forward to seeing white smoke over Milwaukee.

I am seeking metaphors - things that give insight and show truth, yet allow you to keep some perspective and distance. Maybe that is what I need to start to discern.

The Real, Jumbled, Acceptable ME

There are some days where my mind feels crystal clear and I'm sharp and feel as if I can respond well to any given situation. Then there are the days that I marvel that I make any sense whatsoever(like today). I think it often has to do with the place I am in my R.E.M. sleep cycle when I wake up.

Recently I've had a few occasions in which I said something really off-the-wall, out of the ordinary, funny, even, during these foggy days. Somehow though, I've been able to shrug off these incidents without feeling embarrassed or even like I need to explain myself to others.

This indicates to me that sometime in the last year I've become more confident in who I am. Humorously it means I don't feel like I always need to make sense, because I don't always make sense. I don't need to solve everything, because I am after all human - and no human can solve everything. I don't need to have all the answers or jump in every time I think I have an answer. And, when I do jump in with an answer and it isn't completely expressed well, it doesn't mean that my point isn't valid - just that only people who are really good at interpreting jumble can get anything out of it - that is okay. (Hmmm, is this beginning to be like the jumble - ah well).

Because of this extra confidence, I am being more me. And, it makes me feel like I am ready to do this ministry thing - because I'm aware of the whole me and how that works in ministry. I am aware of what I need for myself and what is needed for me to provide in my various roles.

I like this...I like liking me...I like feeling comfortable with who I present to the world and who I am that is private...I like this realness and knowing that it's not because of anything I've done that I'm acceptable. I think, after 28 years of life in the church, after 4 years of undergraduate work at a "church" school, after 4 years of seminary - I am finally realizing grace for myself.

Well, I'll be *fill in the blank*

On the Chicago UPN station at 7 am on weekdays a miraculous thing happens. If one turns to that station a time machine pops up in the living room and those late twentysomethings and early thirtysomethings are transported back to their childhoods...to a time when Strawberry Shortcake was manufactured on every possible item and the Smurfs were on tv.

That's right, the Smurfs are on tv! On network tv, not cable! And I watched them this morning as I remembered sprawling in front of the tv with my dad (a closeted Smurf fan) as he supposedly read the paper and I took in the adventures of the little blue beings.

My 6 year old brain never caught the strange ways the Smurfs use language and now that I'm paying attention I think we should adopt the Smurf ways. In this particular 15 minute episode (because the Smurfly creators can of course compose an entire story arc with suspense and moral to fit into 15 minutes) Smurf phrases kept catching my attention. My favorite was "Well, I'll be Smurfed" but then there also was, "That wasn't very Smurfly." The word Smurf is more than a noun, but a verb and an adverb as well - I bet we could figure out the adjective if we tried.

I'm not suggesting that we should adopt the word "Smurf" and its variations, but perhaps another word that better describes us. "Well, I'll be peopled!" might work, but I don't think "That wasn't very peopley" sounds very good. The word human in the same context would sound funny as well. Maybe if we considered the Smurfs as a separate nationality rather than species and so we would say "Well, I'll be Germaned (or Irished, Brazilianed, Japaned)" and "That wasn't very USly (or Russianly, Tanzanianly, Indianly)." We would have to be careful to speak only of our own heritage here. I'm not sure this is the answer.

This started out as humorous musings, but as I think about the different ways that we identify ourselves I realize that certain religious terms would fit quite well into the scheme. But, I don't want to put those in. What phrase can we come up with to use as an exclamation or expletive? What can possibly as cool as "Smurf"?

The Music Challenge

I've been tagged by Abba (of Ligature fame) to take the music challenge. Here goes:

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
- 448 files downloaded primarily from my CD's with some of my roommate's as well. A couple of strange songs came with the computer itself.

What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?
- Well, the first time I read the message, I don't remember. The second time I believe it was a song from the "Don't Mess With Texas Music" CD. This time, I think it was a blues tune. Can't tell you what, but probably by either Miles Davis or John Coltrane.

Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
1) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. It's found on "The Dance" CD which also brings me another favorite, "Bleed to Love Her." It's just good, heartfelt music. I get the same feeling that I get when I listen to certain Janis Joplin songs.

2) "Love Will Come To You" by Indigo Girls. It's hard to pick just one Indigo Girls' song, but this would be it if I had to. Despite the fact that it is schmoopy (and perhaps because it is) it has found its way onto mixes and being repeated. I suppose it could also be because I just really want to believe what the song says. I have it on the "Rites of Passage" album, although it could be on others.

3) U2 - Do I need to clarify? Yeah, I do, 'cause some of what they put out is fine, but it doesn't all get me in the gut like certain songs. "Grace," "Running to Stand Still," "Evolution" (purely 'cause the concert rocked and I felt euphoric as they entranced to this song), "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." These are found either on "Joshua Tree" or "All That You Can't Leave Behind." They each get me for different reasons, and I can rate them differently, but none over the other. I admit, this is the "in" group to be obsessed with, but I'd like to think that I like them despite that.

4) "I'll Rise" by Ben Harper. Yes, Abba, Ben Harper does it make it on my list. I do like him, but I don't know that I would put any of his albums in my top 5 album list. However, this fabulous song, with lyrics by Maya Angelou does make a mention in this top 5 list. Ask me next week, who knows. Even though it doesn't make my top 5 albums (because compilations always do better for me than one artist) "Welcome to the Cruel World" is a great album.

5) Only one more left? Geez! Well, because I've found myself replaying this song more than once lately I'm going to choose as my last (for this time) song as "Love is Everywhere" by Bob Schneider. I have it on my favorite compilation disc set "Broadcasts Volume 11"

Well, for this day, March 22nd, 2005 these are my favorites. Tomorrow they may be different.

Who are you going to pass this on to (3 people) and why?
Well, seeing as I only have 4 blogging connections and two of them have done this already, I'll pass it on to the two others who have not yet been tagged. These are two fabulous friends whom I greatly respect, particularly in regards to music. Both Bellerina and Meckhead will come up with some great possibilities.

P.S. This is my first ever post putting in links and I just had to celebrate what I hope to be successful linkage - yay!

An Adventure Waiting to Happen

From my place in southern Chicago I drive north on the Kennedy Expressway (really Hwys 90/94) towards the headquarters of my church denomination, O'Hare Airport, Ikea, etc. It's possible to take the express lanes, which are different than other express lanes that I've known in that they are not HOV (high occupancy vehicle) lanes but rather lanes where one is able to exit at only a few times. They are similar, I suppose to the express bus that only stops at certain locations along the route.

In my tenure in Chicago I've frequently taken this route. Every time I drive to my parents' home in St. Paul I drive this way. Along the way Highways 90 and 94 split - I most frequently take the one that travels closest along the previously mentioned sites and that ultimately brings me to my folks' house. When I take the express lanes I reach the point where 90 and 94 diverge and take the appropriate exit to continue along 90 - but I yearn to take the very cool way to 94. In the express lanes when 90 and 94 split, not only do those that take this route get to use two lanes as they go, they also get to travel on a large bridgy-overpass. It looks like an adventure waiting to happen, and I want to take it.

I am now going to get the chance to take it, perhaps multiple times. I found out last night that I have been assigned to the Greater Milwaukee Synod!! I now get to take the route marked "Milwaukee," overpass and all. It is an adventure waiting to happen and I am thrilled!

Immeasurable Emotion

I was ready for adventure, for living in places that were of a different culture, people and accent. I was ready to have to fly home for family holidays and important events. But, I'm staying put.

Tonight, along with my classmates, I found out the area of the country I am assigned for my first call as a pastor. In our process we have the opportunity to provide preferences and ideas, but ultimately (with guidance from the Holy Spirit) bishops and other officials decide. I had preferenced three places, my top two choices being on either coast. I landed right in the middle at my third choice.

I am happy to be here. There are a lot of exciting possibilities and I will be closer to family. I know that a lot has yet to be decided and I trust the process and the Spirit's movement throughout.

And yet, I have to say goodbye to the dream of living out West with good friends and family. The dream of being able to visit "the mountain" on my day off. I have to give up the dream of living in the bustling East and being able to visit great cities that I've never been on my day off.

My emotions are mixed. They aren't bad or good - I can't measure them and weigh them. They just are. Jumbled with the excitement of what is to come is a letting go of what will not be.

Feline Fellowship

I hate cats.

It's not only that I'm horribly allergic to them. I don't like their unpredictability, their ability to creep quietly and their glowing eyes. I've had too many seemingly possessed cats stalk around the room quietly and suddenly streak by, leaving piles of fluff in their wake.

I've found that as I peruse the men on the web-based meeting service I subscribe to I am turned off by those who own cats and immediately become more interested if they say that they do not like them (in the section that asks which pets one does not like).

I told two close friends (and cat owners) about this tendency of mine and one came up with the following hypothesis: I am a cat.

I'm fiercely independent. Last month someone said to me "you're not very cuddly and fluffy, are you?" I'm not. I like to cuddle, but on my own terms. I'm curious - and sometimes get into things that I shouldn't. I have a lot of friends who really, really like cats. And, most of all, I don't like cats - they invade my space.

So - I think now I need to figure out how to embrace some fellow felines (without activating any allergies) and support them in their independence. I need to admire the traits that we share. Anyone have any insight on what I might discover?

Resisting the meddling urge...

I just got off the phone with my brother who visited with 3 friends the day before I left for my cruise (which was fantastic! I'd recommend cruising for others who like to relax and be entertained). I enjoyed the 1/2 day I got with my brother and his friends. I especially enjoyed talking with the sole, brave girl who came along.

In my family we have a bit of a "don't ask, tell when you want to" policy. I don't know who my brother dates because he doesn't talk about it. My sister and I are a bit more open, but we aren't ever asked in my family. But, I have the greatest urge to see if my brother is dating this very cool girl.

So, I just got off the phone with him and I said something about how she had been looking into some internships in museums in Chicago and he told me that she'd really liked me and "would want to be your friend." Now I want them to date even more. Is there any good way for an older sister to suggest this and not be too meddlesome? I've never thought before about who my future sister-in-law will be...

Musings on dreams and friendships

In between being asleep and awake I had a strange dream this morning that sent me back to college - a reunion actually. I was sitting at a table with some of my good friends and I just kept seeing person after person from college that I haven't thought of in a loooooong time. They were sitting at other tables or wandering around the hall. None of these acquaintances stopped to chat - but there they were, in my dream.

Last night I went to dinner with a friend and to my immediate left was a group of 5 college-aged boys who were talking (as my friend said "like I do with my girlfriends!") about relationships and meeting someone not connected to school and all those things that really do need to be discussed with close friends. It was fun to eavesdrop and catch some of the wisdom they had for one another. They discussed how it would be harder post-college to meet people - friends and dates - and how they were a little nervous about that.

And, yeah, outside of institutions of like-minded people it is hard to meet people. I've yet to really try to do it. I've always been in an institution of some sort. But, it has gotten harder post-college.

My friends - those who I sat with in my dream - are similar in some ways, but hugely different in others - from me and from one another. In seminary, my friends are much more similar - although our differences are surely evident. And, once I leave this place it's hard to imagine that I will meet much of a diversity of people - but I hope so. And, as I get older the friends that I do have get more diverse within their own lives. Marriage, babies, careers, living in different places will do that.

There's no moral - just some of my thoughts as I ponder my dream.

Did I jinx myself?

Update on the genetics class - I was the only one to sign up for it and so it will not be offered this spring. I'm disappointed.

Rest eternal*

Wow - two in one day! I must be writing a sermon.

I am - and that's what this post is about. I am writing a funeral sermon - for someone who hasn't yet died. It is for my class that is focusing on the rites of Weddings, Funerals, Healing and Ordination and we are to write either a wedding or a funeral sermon with the subjects being particular people.

The man I chose is a dear soul who I got to know on my internship. He is in his early 90's and has had a little bit of medical trouble, but not much. It's not expected that he will die soon - but neither is it expected that he will live for another 10 years. Regardless, I will not be the one giving the funeral sermon since I am no longer in that placement. How strange it feels.

Today in chapel we were invited during the prayers of the people to pray outloud for those who were in special need of healing. He was the first person to come to mind.

Also regarding death - if I was Lazarus, I think I was would have been pissed off! if Jesus brought me back to earthly life.

*Grant rest eternal is a phrase used in the burial rite.

Anyone figured out human cloning yet? (Or the ethics of it?)

It's a big week for me. Not only am I finishing up my J-term class, not only am I leaving for a week on a cruise (a cruise?!?) almost as soon as that class is done, but my little brother is coming through with a few friends.

I'm not the "cool" sister. I'm the oldest, the responsible, the one who hasn't had all that many interactions with him apart from at our parents' home. But I yearn to get to know this really fantastic brother of mine better.

The challenge is: we'll be out and about at night, but I have class at 8 am the next day and leave shortly after class from the above mentioned cruise. I want to be a cool sister who hangs out until the wee hours (especially 'cause that is what he is used to) but I'm just not a night owl.

I think I'll be cloning myself for the end of this week - just to do everything that I need/want to do. And, then both clones too will be acquiring the skill of insomnia (a skill?) to be able to spend time with the people that I want and complete the things I need to complete.

My last post talked about responsibility. And now it's not clear. What is my responsibility? To spend time with loved ones? to prepare for a time of rest and relaxation (self-care)? or to complete well something that is going to better my career? I'm not going to let any of them go - but my choice is going to mean that none of them will be done as well or thoroughly (or with enough time) as I would like.

On a tangent - next semester I'm taking a class on genetics and faith - perhaps more on cloning then.