Called

I have been called to a congregation!
Informed on Sunday, continues to slowly slip its way into my conscious.
Ordination date set for June 18th in my home congregation.
I'm going to be a pastor - really? geez! yes! how?!?!?
UFF!

Hooting and Hollering

I'm in the middle of my final paper for my graduate school career. Other than one class period today in which I have very little responsibility, it is the last thing that I have to accomplish before I graduate. Yeah, I'd like to get my apartment a bit cleaner, and yeah, I plan to celebrate with banquets and parties, but it is the absolute last weight of academia left. One little page, single spaced (two pages double), with plenty to say. It is now just a matter of saying it so it makes sense.

I was standing on the corner this morning in the rain talking to a friend. We were having an all too serious conversation for 7:15 in the morning the Thursday before we graduate. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a second-year student (Middlers we like to call them) come out of his apartment and plod his way down the street until he saw us on the corner. At this point he ran towards us yelling "SENIORS RULE!" I felt like I was in high school, and I loved it!

Here at seminary we have things like special sending worship services and receptions to honor graduates - we stay pretty quiet about it, with little hooting and hollering (although we have a large group of us going to a dueling piano bar Friday night called "Howl at the Moon", maybe some hollering will happen there). So, to have someone who is not a senior excited for us - hooting and hollering - made my day.

Maybe we don't hoot and holler because we are reserved Lutherans. Maybe we don't because we worry that those who are not graduating will feel dejected (I could have used a softer word, but that's no fun!). Maybe some people think it is just not dignified and refined to hoot and holler(why do we have to be dignified and refined all the time anyway?). Maybe we don't because it takes energy to hoot and holler and we are scrambling to conserve our energy for the time when family arrives and when we will sit through a 3 hour worship service during which we graduate. Maybe I just have a powerful urge to hoot and holler because I am reaching for ways in which to procrastinate these last few paragraphs of academia.

So, in an effort to remain dignified, not subject anyone to dejection and conserve my energy I am refraining from hooting and hollering for the moment....at least until this paper is completed.

Marking Accomplishments

The day I graduated from college I plucked my first facial hair. Up until that point I had not noticed the sole, long dark hair protruding from my chin. It, and it's younger brothers and sisters, now encounter a tweezers regularly. Plucking hair has become one of my routines.

Yesterday, 10 days before I graduate from seminary, I found my first gray hair. Both of my parents didn't truly start turning gray until their early 50s. They've had a little bit of gray since I became a teenager, but even now at 57 their gray to brown/black hair is probably 1:1. This is all to say, I thought I had a long time before gray arrived. But now, this one little hair that isn't even very long has arrived.

As I left the restroom at school where I discovered it, I started envisioning myself with a full head of gray hair. There is something regal about a silver head. I know it won't happen for a while, but in some ways, I look forward to having the mark of maturity and good life that comes from a healthy head of silver hair - a bit like I want to have those nice smile lines around my eyes.

I'm not planning on more schooling anytime soon. Which is good - I can't imagine what I'd find by the time I graduated then...

Delightful Dan

People who have worked with me in the past have known that I tend to speak of my younger siblings quite often. I think that they are each quite amazing in their own way. I've got a dancing 2-year-younger sister and a brother, 6 years my junior.

My baby brother (from this previous post) will graduate from college in about a month with a BA in psychology and minoring in Philosophy and Religion. He has been accepted into Lutheran Volunteer Corps and will begin a year of service next August. Last Tuesday he called to let me know that he will be going to Oakland, CA and will be working at a place called Thunder Road, a place that works with adolescents overcoming alcohol, drug and nicotine addiction. I am so excited for my little bro' (Dan, thus this post's title) and look forward to hearing his experiences and seeing how he is impacted by this amazing work.

Seeking Metaphor

I'm in the middle of my denomination's call process - a call to ordination to be a pastor. I have had an interview and conversations are continuing. I am struggling to figure out how to go about an intentional process of discernment and have many ideas, but just don't know where to start.

As I flop about on the shore of the unknown I keep trying to make metaphors describe my situation. "The call process is like the beginning of a solitaire game, sometimes the games that seem as if you have no chance of winning are the ones that just seem to work out." "The call process is like the internet, sometimes speedy, sometimes slow - often bringing you to sites you never thought you'd chance upon."

These metaphors pop up in other places too - like when my dad mentioned that he looks forward to seeing white smoke over Milwaukee.

I am seeking metaphors - things that give insight and show truth, yet allow you to keep some perspective and distance. Maybe that is what I need to start to discern.

The Real, Jumbled, Acceptable ME

There are some days where my mind feels crystal clear and I'm sharp and feel as if I can respond well to any given situation. Then there are the days that I marvel that I make any sense whatsoever(like today). I think it often has to do with the place I am in my R.E.M. sleep cycle when I wake up.

Recently I've had a few occasions in which I said something really off-the-wall, out of the ordinary, funny, even, during these foggy days. Somehow though, I've been able to shrug off these incidents without feeling embarrassed or even like I need to explain myself to others.

This indicates to me that sometime in the last year I've become more confident in who I am. Humorously it means I don't feel like I always need to make sense, because I don't always make sense. I don't need to solve everything, because I am after all human - and no human can solve everything. I don't need to have all the answers or jump in every time I think I have an answer. And, when I do jump in with an answer and it isn't completely expressed well, it doesn't mean that my point isn't valid - just that only people who are really good at interpreting jumble can get anything out of it - that is okay. (Hmmm, is this beginning to be like the jumble - ah well).

Because of this extra confidence, I am being more me. And, it makes me feel like I am ready to do this ministry thing - because I'm aware of the whole me and how that works in ministry. I am aware of what I need for myself and what is needed for me to provide in my various roles.

I like this...I like liking me...I like feeling comfortable with who I present to the world and who I am that is private...I like this realness and knowing that it's not because of anything I've done that I'm acceptable. I think, after 28 years of life in the church, after 4 years of undergraduate work at a "church" school, after 4 years of seminary - I am finally realizing grace for myself.

Well, I'll be *fill in the blank*

On the Chicago UPN station at 7 am on weekdays a miraculous thing happens. If one turns to that station a time machine pops up in the living room and those late twentysomethings and early thirtysomethings are transported back to their childhoods...to a time when Strawberry Shortcake was manufactured on every possible item and the Smurfs were on tv.

That's right, the Smurfs are on tv! On network tv, not cable! And I watched them this morning as I remembered sprawling in front of the tv with my dad (a closeted Smurf fan) as he supposedly read the paper and I took in the adventures of the little blue beings.

My 6 year old brain never caught the strange ways the Smurfs use language and now that I'm paying attention I think we should adopt the Smurf ways. In this particular 15 minute episode (because the Smurfly creators can of course compose an entire story arc with suspense and moral to fit into 15 minutes) Smurf phrases kept catching my attention. My favorite was "Well, I'll be Smurfed" but then there also was, "That wasn't very Smurfly." The word Smurf is more than a noun, but a verb and an adverb as well - I bet we could figure out the adjective if we tried.

I'm not suggesting that we should adopt the word "Smurf" and its variations, but perhaps another word that better describes us. "Well, I'll be peopled!" might work, but I don't think "That wasn't very peopley" sounds very good. The word human in the same context would sound funny as well. Maybe if we considered the Smurfs as a separate nationality rather than species and so we would say "Well, I'll be Germaned (or Irished, Brazilianed, Japaned)" and "That wasn't very USly (or Russianly, Tanzanianly, Indianly)." We would have to be careful to speak only of our own heritage here. I'm not sure this is the answer.

This started out as humorous musings, but as I think about the different ways that we identify ourselves I realize that certain religious terms would fit quite well into the scheme. But, I don't want to put those in. What phrase can we come up with to use as an exclamation or expletive? What can possibly as cool as "Smurf"?

The Music Challenge

I've been tagged by Abba (of Ligature fame) to take the music challenge. Here goes:

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
- 448 files downloaded primarily from my CD's with some of my roommate's as well. A couple of strange songs came with the computer itself.

What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?
- Well, the first time I read the message, I don't remember. The second time I believe it was a song from the "Don't Mess With Texas Music" CD. This time, I think it was a blues tune. Can't tell you what, but probably by either Miles Davis or John Coltrane.

Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
1) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. It's found on "The Dance" CD which also brings me another favorite, "Bleed to Love Her." It's just good, heartfelt music. I get the same feeling that I get when I listen to certain Janis Joplin songs.

2) "Love Will Come To You" by Indigo Girls. It's hard to pick just one Indigo Girls' song, but this would be it if I had to. Despite the fact that it is schmoopy (and perhaps because it is) it has found its way onto mixes and being repeated. I suppose it could also be because I just really want to believe what the song says. I have it on the "Rites of Passage" album, although it could be on others.

3) U2 - Do I need to clarify? Yeah, I do, 'cause some of what they put out is fine, but it doesn't all get me in the gut like certain songs. "Grace," "Running to Stand Still," "Evolution" (purely 'cause the concert rocked and I felt euphoric as they entranced to this song), "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." These are found either on "Joshua Tree" or "All That You Can't Leave Behind." They each get me for different reasons, and I can rate them differently, but none over the other. I admit, this is the "in" group to be obsessed with, but I'd like to think that I like them despite that.

4) "I'll Rise" by Ben Harper. Yes, Abba, Ben Harper does it make it on my list. I do like him, but I don't know that I would put any of his albums in my top 5 album list. However, this fabulous song, with lyrics by Maya Angelou does make a mention in this top 5 list. Ask me next week, who knows. Even though it doesn't make my top 5 albums (because compilations always do better for me than one artist) "Welcome to the Cruel World" is a great album.

5) Only one more left? Geez! Well, because I've found myself replaying this song more than once lately I'm going to choose as my last (for this time) song as "Love is Everywhere" by Bob Schneider. I have it on my favorite compilation disc set "Broadcasts Volume 11"

Well, for this day, March 22nd, 2005 these are my favorites. Tomorrow they may be different.

Who are you going to pass this on to (3 people) and why?
Well, seeing as I only have 4 blogging connections and two of them have done this already, I'll pass it on to the two others who have not yet been tagged. These are two fabulous friends whom I greatly respect, particularly in regards to music. Both Bellerina and Meckhead will come up with some great possibilities.

P.S. This is my first ever post putting in links and I just had to celebrate what I hope to be successful linkage - yay!

An Adventure Waiting to Happen

From my place in southern Chicago I drive north on the Kennedy Expressway (really Hwys 90/94) towards the headquarters of my church denomination, O'Hare Airport, Ikea, etc. It's possible to take the express lanes, which are different than other express lanes that I've known in that they are not HOV (high occupancy vehicle) lanes but rather lanes where one is able to exit at only a few times. They are similar, I suppose to the express bus that only stops at certain locations along the route.

In my tenure in Chicago I've frequently taken this route. Every time I drive to my parents' home in St. Paul I drive this way. Along the way Highways 90 and 94 split - I most frequently take the one that travels closest along the previously mentioned sites and that ultimately brings me to my folks' house. When I take the express lanes I reach the point where 90 and 94 diverge and take the appropriate exit to continue along 90 - but I yearn to take the very cool way to 94. In the express lanes when 90 and 94 split, not only do those that take this route get to use two lanes as they go, they also get to travel on a large bridgy-overpass. It looks like an adventure waiting to happen, and I want to take it.

I am now going to get the chance to take it, perhaps multiple times. I found out last night that I have been assigned to the Greater Milwaukee Synod!! I now get to take the route marked "Milwaukee," overpass and all. It is an adventure waiting to happen and I am thrilled!

Immeasurable Emotion

I was ready for adventure, for living in places that were of a different culture, people and accent. I was ready to have to fly home for family holidays and important events. But, I'm staying put.

Tonight, along with my classmates, I found out the area of the country I am assigned for my first call as a pastor. In our process we have the opportunity to provide preferences and ideas, but ultimately (with guidance from the Holy Spirit) bishops and other officials decide. I had preferenced three places, my top two choices being on either coast. I landed right in the middle at my third choice.

I am happy to be here. There are a lot of exciting possibilities and I will be closer to family. I know that a lot has yet to be decided and I trust the process and the Spirit's movement throughout.

And yet, I have to say goodbye to the dream of living out West with good friends and family. The dream of being able to visit "the mountain" on my day off. I have to give up the dream of living in the bustling East and being able to visit great cities that I've never been on my day off.

My emotions are mixed. They aren't bad or good - I can't measure them and weigh them. They just are. Jumbled with the excitement of what is to come is a letting go of what will not be.

Feline Fellowship

I hate cats.

It's not only that I'm horribly allergic to them. I don't like their unpredictability, their ability to creep quietly and their glowing eyes. I've had too many seemingly possessed cats stalk around the room quietly and suddenly streak by, leaving piles of fluff in their wake.

I've found that as I peruse the men on the web-based meeting service I subscribe to I am turned off by those who own cats and immediately become more interested if they say that they do not like them (in the section that asks which pets one does not like).

I told two close friends (and cat owners) about this tendency of mine and one came up with the following hypothesis: I am a cat.

I'm fiercely independent. Last month someone said to me "you're not very cuddly and fluffy, are you?" I'm not. I like to cuddle, but on my own terms. I'm curious - and sometimes get into things that I shouldn't. I have a lot of friends who really, really like cats. And, most of all, I don't like cats - they invade my space.

So - I think now I need to figure out how to embrace some fellow felines (without activating any allergies) and support them in their independence. I need to admire the traits that we share. Anyone have any insight on what I might discover?

Resisting the meddling urge...

I just got off the phone with my brother who visited with 3 friends the day before I left for my cruise (which was fantastic! I'd recommend cruising for others who like to relax and be entertained). I enjoyed the 1/2 day I got with my brother and his friends. I especially enjoyed talking with the sole, brave girl who came along.

In my family we have a bit of a "don't ask, tell when you want to" policy. I don't know who my brother dates because he doesn't talk about it. My sister and I are a bit more open, but we aren't ever asked in my family. But, I have the greatest urge to see if my brother is dating this very cool girl.

So, I just got off the phone with him and I said something about how she had been looking into some internships in museums in Chicago and he told me that she'd really liked me and "would want to be your friend." Now I want them to date even more. Is there any good way for an older sister to suggest this and not be too meddlesome? I've never thought before about who my future sister-in-law will be...

Musings on dreams and friendships

In between being asleep and awake I had a strange dream this morning that sent me back to college - a reunion actually. I was sitting at a table with some of my good friends and I just kept seeing person after person from college that I haven't thought of in a loooooong time. They were sitting at other tables or wandering around the hall. None of these acquaintances stopped to chat - but there they were, in my dream.

Last night I went to dinner with a friend and to my immediate left was a group of 5 college-aged boys who were talking (as my friend said "like I do with my girlfriends!") about relationships and meeting someone not connected to school and all those things that really do need to be discussed with close friends. It was fun to eavesdrop and catch some of the wisdom they had for one another. They discussed how it would be harder post-college to meet people - friends and dates - and how they were a little nervous about that.

And, yeah, outside of institutions of like-minded people it is hard to meet people. I've yet to really try to do it. I've always been in an institution of some sort. But, it has gotten harder post-college.

My friends - those who I sat with in my dream - are similar in some ways, but hugely different in others - from me and from one another. In seminary, my friends are much more similar - although our differences are surely evident. And, once I leave this place it's hard to imagine that I will meet much of a diversity of people - but I hope so. And, as I get older the friends that I do have get more diverse within their own lives. Marriage, babies, careers, living in different places will do that.

There's no moral - just some of my thoughts as I ponder my dream.

Did I jinx myself?

Update on the genetics class - I was the only one to sign up for it and so it will not be offered this spring. I'm disappointed.

Rest eternal*

Wow - two in one day! I must be writing a sermon.

I am - and that's what this post is about. I am writing a funeral sermon - for someone who hasn't yet died. It is for my class that is focusing on the rites of Weddings, Funerals, Healing and Ordination and we are to write either a wedding or a funeral sermon with the subjects being particular people.

The man I chose is a dear soul who I got to know on my internship. He is in his early 90's and has had a little bit of medical trouble, but not much. It's not expected that he will die soon - but neither is it expected that he will live for another 10 years. Regardless, I will not be the one giving the funeral sermon since I am no longer in that placement. How strange it feels.

Today in chapel we were invited during the prayers of the people to pray outloud for those who were in special need of healing. He was the first person to come to mind.

Also regarding death - if I was Lazarus, I think I was would have been pissed off! if Jesus brought me back to earthly life.

*Grant rest eternal is a phrase used in the burial rite.

Anyone figured out human cloning yet? (Or the ethics of it?)

It's a big week for me. Not only am I finishing up my J-term class, not only am I leaving for a week on a cruise (a cruise?!?) almost as soon as that class is done, but my little brother is coming through with a few friends.

I'm not the "cool" sister. I'm the oldest, the responsible, the one who hasn't had all that many interactions with him apart from at our parents' home. But I yearn to get to know this really fantastic brother of mine better.

The challenge is: we'll be out and about at night, but I have class at 8 am the next day and leave shortly after class from the above mentioned cruise. I want to be a cool sister who hangs out until the wee hours (especially 'cause that is what he is used to) but I'm just not a night owl.

I think I'll be cloning myself for the end of this week - just to do everything that I need/want to do. And, then both clones too will be acquiring the skill of insomnia (a skill?) to be able to spend time with the people that I want and complete the things I need to complete.

My last post talked about responsibility. And now it's not clear. What is my responsibility? To spend time with loved ones? to prepare for a time of rest and relaxation (self-care)? or to complete well something that is going to better my career? I'm not going to let any of them go - but my choice is going to mean that none of them will be done as well or thoroughly (or with enough time) as I would like.

On a tangent - next semester I'm taking a class on genetics and faith - perhaps more on cloning then.

Responsible Frivolity

I'm going on a cruise! Amazing, strange...more spontaneously than I usually do things. Friends found a great deal and asked if I'd like to go along too. 5 nights, with stops in Costa Maya and Cozumel.

Graduate school is not cheap, nor do I make much money. My life is provided for by loans and the minimal 10-hour a week job I am able to hold. I'm not extravagant, but I'm not incredibly stingy either. This cruise, however, feels extremely extravagant.

I talked this through a bit with my mom (who has always been a great financial advisor, helping to sort through what it would mean to spend or to save). She mentioned that it seemed somewhat strange that her children in their 20's were doing things like going on a cruise that she and my dad would not really think of doing. But then, feeling to me like a bit of permission and a bit of helping me rationalize, she said that there are certain things that we should do before we are loaded down with other debts and responsibilities. She equated this trip in some ways to her mid-college summer trip to Europe where she was a housemaid with time for travel.

Spending money walks such a fine line. Making decisions about when to spend and when to save, what is the responsible choice? When should I jump and take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself?

I'm not sure that this choice is the most responsible choice I can make, but, especially as I hear that some of the female professors at school are talking among themselves about how wonderful it is we are going on this trip, I realize that responsibility does not always need to be the determining factor. So, here I go, down the road of some responsible frivolity.

Seeing Red

My friend Belle (hi!) can read people's colors - and I've gotten so I can guess pretty well what a person's emotional color would be. According to Belle, mine is blue - although I think the shade changes from time to time.

Yesterday, for the New Year's celebration I attended, I wore a bright red shirt, that I have to say was an excellent color for me. As I was reflecting on the colors that look good on me and the colors that I emote (one of my new favorite words - if it is a real word, the spell check doesn't recognize it) I thought to the most recent time when I emotionally saw red. An accusation towards another whom I love caused me to have tunnel vision which was edged by reddish light. I said things that I wish I didn't say and reacted so strongly I scared myself a bit.

When I worked at the homeless shelter we had a controversy surrounding the color of the walls. When I (and most of the other staff) started there the walls were a bright red - due, I'm sure, to a donation of paint. The staff of the mental health clinic in town called us out on our red walls - because the color agitates, and a smoky, loud, hot day-shelter with few rules does not need anything extra to agitate. We, the staff, re-prioritized and ended up painting the walls a green color. And while we did not experiment to determine how much the color changed the atmosphere, I would guess that it did.

It sometimes feels good to see red - and to respond out of it. At the same time, I'm glad that for the most part I emote blue. I don't think I need any extra agitation.

I Need A Shower

I'm not dirty...in fact I showered less than 6 hours ago and have done nothing to make me dirty. I need a shower because I need to see the big picture.

I do some of my best thinking in the shower. For some odd reason, warm water hitting me in the head makes me think. I come up with many thoughts, revelations and ideas while showering. Too bad I have no water proof paper to write on.

I need a shower now. I'm working on a couple of different things that I enjoy (a paper and a sermon) but I'm lacking some distance from each of them. My brain is cluttered and I just keep typing similar phrases and statements over and over again as I write. A shower would wash away the clutter and leave behind shiny bright ideas and direction. But, I'm not going to shower. If I did so I might turn into a prune as I try to work out all that I want to and that would not be good.

In some ways this blog is like a shower. It lets me get rid of some of the random thoughts and feelings I have so I can concentrate better on the task at hand. I may not come away feeling washed clean, but I do feel refreshed as I share my randomness with the blogging world. So - after popping down more random thoughts on this blog I'm back to my paper and my sermon.

As an afternote on a completely different subject, I find it odd that the spell check that the blog uses does not recognize the words 'blog' or 'blogging.'

Every Plant Needs a Little Sun

Sometimes I feel like everyone else. But sometimes I'm keenly aware of being different because of vocation. This last week I've been completely aware that I have different responsibility...and I don't feel weighed down by it so much as that I feel guarded. Within this wall I am completely myself. I am able to be strong and a leader. I am able to be passionate and compassionate.

If I am what is inside the wall, then there is a little hut in the middle of the grounds that has extra security. Most everyone can get inside the main walls. But this next set of walls is very guarded. No one has discovered the password - and I won't even allow anyone to guess. There is a plant inside the hut that needs light - I worry that sometimes the plant gets no light because all of the other things need tending too - the owner of the hut is very rarely home enough to tend to it. No matter how much the owner of the hut waters the plant and tends to other things in the hut and outside of the hut, the plant still needs sun.

The problem is exacerbated because the owner (me) has no idea how to start getting the plant a little sun...and because the weather has been a bit gray lately anyway.

So - I'm going to finish this post because I'm tired. And, I'm going to post it. It's not complete and it may not make much sense...but it's what is coming to mind at the moment. Perhaps another day I can figure out how to get some sunlight to that plant - or maybe you can offer suggestions (if you have any idea what I'm talking about). I understand that I'll always have some plant in my hut that is a little dry or in need of light - but this one is withering - more than is healthy.