Feet

Facebook status updates aren't sufficing for "what I'm thinking about." What I'm thinking about (at the moment) isn't pithy or funny. I'm thinking about feet, which, one might say, could be pithy and funny.

My feet were hurting on Friday (and a little bit yesterday) from the amount of walking I'd been doing. Also, because my running shoes are not supporting me like they used to. That's what happens after 4 years of use. (I really need to stop buying other things (ie. new computer) and get new running shoes if I want happy feet again).

Friends were in town on Friday and we walked around the lakefront, in neighborhoods and then went to Summerfest. During our walk we had a difficult time figuring out where we might use "the facilities" and M said that at these times she always thinks about the assertion that our feet are connected to other parts of the body, and the one connected to the bladder is the heel. So as one walks, each time the foot hits the pavement, there is a reminder of the need to find a restroom.

In the last 6 months or so, I have noticed that I've developed the tendency to stretch and rotate my feet. Part of this has something to do with past injuries, part of this has something to do w/ my decrepit running shoes. But, I wonder if part of it, too, is if I'm preparing myself to use my feet differently.

One of my ordination texts was Isaiah 52:7-10:

How beautiful upon the mountains

are the feet of the messenger who announces peace,
who brings good news,
who announces salvation,
who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns.’

I chose it because I had heard a great sermon (given at the Presiding Bishop's installation) that focused on where feet went. I also chose it because I do love my feet. I'm thinking about where my feet are going and in what way I'm walking. Lately, they've been traveling more and more with friends. Lately, at work, they've been switching places with those I had previously been leading - and I am now following. Lately, they've been feeling a little ancy.

I'm thinking about my feet. New shoes, a pedicure, summer time, and where those feet go. It could be a pithy statement, but I don't want it to be.

She's got the I-yi-yi-yi-yi-wants

What do I want?

I don't know a lot of the time. But, it's something I'm needing to be paying attention to, because I so quickly pay attention to what other people want.

What do I want?

I guess I do know some of it - respect from all, love from some.

I want to have deep friendships and meaningful work.

I want to sleep well at night.

I know the big picture wants. But, in the moment?

Me knowing what I want in a particular moment doesn't always happen.

I can solve things, fix things, make things happen, especially for other people.

But ask me what I want, I have a hard time saying.

Right now, I just want to know what I want.

Variations on a theme

It's funny how themes sometimes come together at the right time.

I put off sermonizing for a wedding until the day of...and the day of gave a perfect illustration with which to map out the sermon.

As I had already been preparing to preach this Sunday on a piece of Scripture where Jesus calms the storm in the midst of the sea, Thursday night brought frightening thunder.

Life events lately have somehow had themes as well. Curiosities, possibilities, stability...not just one area of life, but spanning at least a couple.

Right at this very moment, I'm a little nervous about all of the travel I'm wanting to plan - and pay for. I started to get a plane ticket but had to back out (with the grace of a one-time "get out of reservation free" option through Expedia), because I stupidly didn't check my schedule. Then, I started to search for a ticket on Megabus... but took too long and when I attempted to log back in, it wouldn't let me. So, my path forward is going in fits and starts...with some diversions along the way.

That actually describes how I'm feeling about many of my tasks at the moment...even in getting ready for my day. All variations on a theme.

I'd be ready for a theme that rang with the joy of vacation...

Not an absence, just a re-routing.

I have been blogging, just not posting.

There is something in blogging that is safe - I don't see the expressions on your faces as you read; I'm not even exactly sure who is reading, or when y'all will read this.

But, blogging isn't safe at the same time. For the same reasons listed above, but also, because it's not dialogue.

I learn a lot about myself as I write and as I type. It's why I journal (both w/ pen and paper and on a computer...different beauties to each method). And, I learn a lot about myself as I write with the recognition that others are going to read.

But, I also learn a lot when I dialogue.

And, I'm finding that I'm wanting to be private in certain things. Which isn't all that surprising. But, means that I don't really have a lot to say here for all to see.

No Net

Today was Palm Sunday - wait, no it was Passion - or, a bit of both. I'm not sure when and where Palm Sunday and Sunday of the Passion combined, but that's how we do it. Actually, I really like the quick switch - I like that it shows the glaring mirror of how fickle humanity can be.

So, in addition to processing - inside for the first time due to sleet - from the Fellowship Hall to the Sanctuary....in addition to me barking to those people who were already sitting in their pews to get up and walk around in the procession (WALK! if you are physically able!)...in addition to some strange rearranging of worship to help people recognize what we were doing (since they were not in the Fellowship Hall at the beginning to understand) - I decided to preach an impromptu sermon.

I was standing up there, during the reading of Mark 14 & 15, a little miffed that it felt like people were just there for the spectacle, and realized that I wanted people to hear why it's important that we actually be the crowd.

I remember some of what I said, and I'm told it was actually a good sermon. But, there was no net. I just got up there and started talking. It was fun - and nerve wracking - and felt bold, and audacious (I've been using that word a lot lately). But, the Spirit flew - and at least hit some.

PostSecret Sabbatical

For some time I have really enjoyed the blog "Post Secret". It regularly makes me smile, pray, laugh, cringe, cry and identify with others.

In counseling I'm working on paying attention to my emotions - something I have learned very well how to push down. Doing this is a little frightening - mostly because I am having to learn a new balance, especially at work. Things are hitting me differently (or I'm responding to them differently) which then means I have some stronger reactions.

I teared up a week ago while teaching Confirmation - in a good, emotionally charged way. It was depth-of-my-soul stuff that we were talking about, and it hit me. Especially hearing teenagers' reactions, thoughts and questions.

I felt threatened in one aspect of the council retreat yesterday, and on further reflection realized I did so because one of the things the council discussed focusing on is something that I tried to garner support for (including from some of the people at the table)- put a lot of energy into - and that crashed and burned. But, recognizing this emotion, even if it's a little late, allows me to approach this next attempt with history and communicated expectation of involvement by others.

These are just two examples - there are many others, easy and difficult, good and bad, of how my attention to emotion is impacting my day-to-day life.

But, when I just sat down to read PostSecret today, I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was too much. I wonder if some of my attention to it has been that I feel the range of emotions as I read it. And that I needed to feel them.

But now, even though I consider it a marvelous endeavor, I may need to take a break from PostSecret.

Confidential to Belle

I love you and your demonstrativeness!!!

Slow-burner

I've heard romance compared to a fire - slow burning that lasts a while (as long as that which is being burned lasts) or quick burning. (I actually hope for myself that it's a combination of both.)

Friends can be like this too, I do believe. This morning as I wake up I am thankful for one of my steady-eddy friends - one of those slow-burning ones who is never very flashy, never very demonstrative. But she's solid and dear and fun and smart.

The Story

Not just one of my favorite songs from 2007 (Thank you Brandi Carlile).

I had an intense evening. Good ministry that mostly consisted of listening and praying. I felt good about it. I felt like I was once again in a groove. Not fully (worship wasn't the greatest), but enough that I felt inspired by my job.

One of the conversations was with a man who is again thankful that he has been able to work this past week. After quietly handing me some cash for me to "pass on" to someone when they need it, he sat with me as I ate.

We started talking about movies and he said that he sometimes gets the same feeling in movies as he does in church. As I thought about it, I was fascinated. Worship is a retelling of a story - other people's experiences and viewpoints in regards to God - identifying with that story and figuring out how it impacts your life. Which, a good movie does too.

It was an interesting conversation. I think the story of God is more transforming, and is a promise in addition to a story. But, food for thought...

Just like Kate Winslet

Kate Winslet is the March 2nd Time magazine cover story. I have always liked her, but didn't expect that she would say something with which I could identify.

She says, "I come from a long line of real cart horses. Very stoic, insides-made-of-iron people. So I can take any s___ you can fling at me. I can cope with any workload. I can deal with lack of sleep. I can multitask like you've no idea. But two weeks ago, I actually had a panic attack. My first one. I didn't know what it was!"

Yup - I'm just like Kate Winslet. Well, maybe not just like. I have no little golden statues signifying success hanging around my house.

I'm actually doing pretty well. I feel like my counselor is a good fit. I've got some work to do, but I'm feeling really well-supported and like I can be more myself. I'm not feeling nearly as fragile as was a few weeks ago.

Messages

What do we believe - about ourselves, about others?
How do we know what we know?

Someone believes he knows the sin of another, but can't see his own.

Another believes that the story she told her class (as part of a writing assignment) didn't represent a loved one well (a loved one no one knows or ever will) and wants to take it back.

Another is hearing rumors about someone with whom he is friends. He is helping this one and while he easily deflects the "warnings" - they are "getting to him." He came to me to find out if the one about this person stealing from the church is true (it's not). He also wanted to be assured about the way he is handling the situation.

Another talked to me tonight because he started working a job that includes a lot of free alcohol. He is concerned about how he will handle it. He says he believes he can....but why did he talk to me? I told him I'm going to be checking in with him each time I see him - and gave him my card to call me if he needed to talk. I also told him about AA meetings. He was more than a little interested. He knows he's walking a thin line.

And then there is me. I am now seeing a counselor for anxiety. I don't know if it is that my anxiety triggers self-esteem issues, if it's the other way around, or if it is a circle with one feeding the other. But, something in me tells me that I'm failing - that I'm only worth what I can accomplish, not simply because I am.

Intellectually, I know I'm wrong. But, these thoughts sneak from my subconscious into my consciousness when I'm at my most vulnerable - stressed out, or completely relaxed.

Me, being who I am, am very well aware of this. And, I feel like I'm on the verge of doing some very good work that will make me a healthier person. But all of these messages that we tell ourselves, that we believe about ourselves and others, that we give to one another....where do they come from? How do we consciously and unconsciously choose what to believe? And, how do we sort through them?

Energy

I'm experiencing the Sunday morning blah again.

The urge to skip out on all of the responsibilities I have for today.

I think it's because I told someone earlier this week that I like the tasks of Sunday morning, but not the demands of others.

If it were just about getting up front and leading worship; if it were just about going and teaching a Bible Study; I would be ok. But, I have two meetings to follow the Bible Study. And, the Sunday morning pile on is not a holy dogpile, but the number of problems and issues that people tell me about - all of which I ask them to tell me later or write it down for me....but even if I'm not having to handle it right then, I feel their weight.

Today will be a good day. New members, good worship, Bible Study, getting some good work going. But, it all takes different energies. And balancing those energies requires even more energy.

I wish I could plug in to something to give me the jolt I need. Instead, I'll down my 3rd cup of morning coffee and be on my way.

Ok...I Know...No

I just returned from a short "weekend" trip to visit my grandmother who is recovering from a knee replacement. After 3 weeks in the hospital and then at a nursing facility (with a special kind of bed for her knee), she got home on Tuesday and on Thursday night I arrived.

It was a little miraculous - I actually got the chance to help my grandma out. My fierce independence comes from both sides of my family - and my grandma is no exception. Up until her surgery she continued to do things that she really should have had other people do.

Last night, as I was checking to make sure she had everything she needed she was trying to commit to memory the earliest she could take her next pain pill. I told her and then reminded her that if she had any question, she could certainly wake me up. Her response: "Ok. Pause I know. Pause No." Meaning, I understand and thank you, but no, I won't be waking you.

With my grandma, this time around, it was easy to just go ahead and do for her what she had a hard time getting to. However, it never works to ask her what I can do to help her.

I know I'm much the same. It was a privilege to be able to help my grandma - and fun to be with her.

Grandma being off her feet also meant that I got to sit down with her and her recipe box and, as I copied some of them I got to ask questions about them and hear what she had made some of the recipes for. One of her recipes called for wild rice. Grandma mentioned that she puts the seasoning packet from the Uncle Ben's wild rice box. Because I mentioned that I would probably buy in bulk and would want to look at the ingredients in the packet - Grandma made me find the box she had and take it with me. (There are 23 herbs and spices....so, maybe I won't be buying in bulk).

I also left with a Krumkaka Iron. One my parents gave her early on in their marriage, but that Grandma never uses. I've always borrowed my mom's in the past - but have had to remember to do so at Thanksgiving - and have intended to get my own for a couple of years.

Finally, I got a couple days away where I only had very simple tasks to do. I read a bunch. Ate a lot of soup. Took a nap both Friday and Saturday. I'm so glad I went.

We Live at the Plate.

"It's just that there is sentiment here to use our bequest to challenge and invite others also to step up to the plate. "

This is a direct quote from someone who approached me this week with a thought toward helping to support my congregation's ministry, particularly to the homeless. I am really trying hard not to be offended. Particularly because up until this moment, this entity now trying to challenge others to "step up to the plate" has been nonexistent in the realm of social justice, or even in the community. They have been invited over and over again.

My congregation does a lot with very little. We work hard. We go over and above "the plate" and have been doing so for a number of years. The suggestion was made that my congregation do a fund drive to raise money that would then be matched by this entity. I feel like saying - why don't we count all of the numerous hours, the heartbreaking conversations, the thousands that we have already put in, and plan to continue to put in.....and consider that you are making an attempt to match that. You'll come no where close.

But, I won't say it like that. I might mention that we are already working on a couple of other ways to financially support our work, and they might see that as "matching." Grrrr.. Sometimes I really don't like being diplomatic.

Speak to Me That I May Speak

As I've started Christmas cards (only about 1/3rd through....they may be pre-Lent cards), as I've started to write the annual report for the congregation, I've recognized that I'm not so sure how to sum up this year without giving away too much.

It's been a hard year. Not stuff to write in Christmas cards. Not appropriate to share all with the congregation. Oh, they'll hear some, that pertains to the community life, but neither my own faith/personal struggles nor those things that have been the most difficult for me at work....particularly certain ways I've had to be involved in some individuals' lives.

Attached to my faith struggle has been a yearning to hear some direction for my life. Yearning to have something in some arena of my life so completely clear that I would know to head in that direction.

If you read past blog entries, you'll see it. And, it has been the reality of my life in 2008.

What leads me to anxious moments - to those times when I wake up from near-sleep to worry - are those times when I feel I am not enough. Nights are always harder than days. But, that period when I'm almost asleep is often when self-doubts start to wheedle their way to the front of my thoughts. My house isn't clean enough, I feel ugly (my current hair cut has been bothering me of late), I spend too much time at work, I failed a particular person in a particular way, my finances aren't in order....etc...etc.

The one that woke me up last night was the clean house - which is pretty ridiculous, because I believe my house could be company ready with an hour's notice.

I've been reading the "Space" trilogy by C.S. Lewis lately. I'm in the 2nd book - Perelandra in which "Ransom" the main character of the trilogy is sent to Perelandra - or Venus. It is a world at the beginning of its existence and there is one man, the King, who I have yet to meet in the book, and one woman, the Lady, who is "getting older" - or learning more and more. Maleldil (God) has forbidden residence on one piece of land (aka, forbidden eating fruit of one particular tree) and "the Enemy" in the form of someone that Ransom knows, has launch a logic-assault on the Lady. The Enemy is continuously in conversation with her, only stopping when she sleeps, to try to convince her that Maleldil really wants her to make her own choices away from him - but he can't tell her that because then it wouldn't be her own choice. Ransom is doing his best to stay awake and be present throughout this assault of logic - to try to combat the Enemy's arguments and convince the Lady to not go against what Maleldil has said.

Last night, after rationalizing myself out of my worry about my messy house, I picked up the book where I left off and read 2 pages before I came to something that brought me to tears:

"Inner silence is for our race a difficult achievement. There is a chattering part of the mind which continues, until it is corrected, to chatter on even in the holiest of places. Thus, while one part of Ransom remained, as it were, prostrated in a hush of fear and love that resembled a kind of death, something else inside him, wholly unaffected by reverence, continued to pour queries and objections into his brain. "It's all very well," said this voluble critic, "a presence of that sort! But the Enemy is really here, really saying and doing things. Where is Maleldil's representative?

"The answer which came back to him, quick as a fencer's or a tennis player's riposte, out of the silence and out of the darkness, almost took his breath away. It seemed Blasphemous. "Anyway, what can I do?"babbled the voluble self. "I've done all I can. I've talked till I'm sick of it. It's no good, I tell you." He tried to persuade himself that he, Ransom, could not possibly be Maleldil's representative as the Un-man was the representative of Hell. The suggestion was, he argued, itself diabolical - a temptation to fatuous pride, to megalomania. He was horrified when the darkness simply flung back this argument in his face, almost impatiently. And then - he wondered how it had escaped him till now - he was forced to perceive that his own coming to Perelandra was at least as much of a marvel as the Enemy's. That miracle on the right side, which he had demanded, had in fact occurred. He himself was the miracle."

These paragraphs and others in those 3 pages I read spoke to me. I was in tears - recognizing some of that communication for which I long.

It almost feels a little foolish to say that this was God - and yet, I believe it. I'm thankful for it.

Isn't It Done Yet?

Here I am, supposedly writing before I head into work for some pastoral care visits and to put things in order for tomorrow and the next few days.

My writing deadline of Dec 31st approaches quickly, and I'm not halfway done. The editor called me a couple days before Christmas to see how I was doing, and basically told me that Dec 31st was not a hard deadline. Which meant that I have allowed myself to not reach it.

I have a few days left, but many of those will be with family, not spent writing. I allowed this entire week to be about Christmas and some relaxing. Yesterday I both went to the gym and went Cross-Country Skiing. Which I would not have done if I was paying attention to this project.

This is one of those things that I'm really glad that I am doing, but am going to be so relieved when it is over.

Much to do

As I'm making lists and checking them twice - of things to accomplish, not what others have done - I recognize my persistent folly.

Good intentions don't always lead to action.

Baby showers, wedding showers, RSVPs go unanswered.

Projects begun, small tasks that with some organization would take little effort, basic life jobs, are incomplete.

Jumping from one project to another, never having the patience to fully finish. Never feeling really accomplished. Always giving up one thing to move on immediately to the next. It's not over until events are done and time has passed. I can always do more.

Today, Christmas Eve service and sermon. Christmas Day. Christmas Cards. Forgo the gym. Possibly no leisure reading. A clean bathroom? What's that? Only 2 more days!

Snow Adventure

I'm sure some people would question my decision making. I can't, however, say that I did.

I started my morning with a frivolous escapade into the almost-foot of snow that fell last night. I had an appointment at 10am. I called and they were open, so I went. It took me 1/2 an hour to get out of the 1/2 block of my dead-end street. But, that didn't deter me.

And, I made it to my facial only 5 minutes late. Yep. I went through the trouble of making my car plow through a foot of snow to go to a facial. Ridiculous. Even a little ridiculous that I had a facial appointment in the first place. And yet, I am glad I went.

I brought exercise clothes with me, with the thought that I would stop off at my gym on the way back, but I also needed to drop by the post office. So, I went to the PO after the facial and decided to attempt to just go back home (shoveling to both get out and then back into my parking spot would be enough exercise I reasoned). However, my streets still were not plowed. So, after almost getting stuck at the intersection closest to my house, I decided to not to try to wade into my block again and went to the gym.

Finally, I decided to attempt getting back onto my block and this time it only took me about 15 minutes to get into my spot.

I rounded out my day with a nice bath and a baked sweet potato for lunch.

I love the snow. I love adventures in the snow. I love driving in the snow. It might not always be the smartest move to make, but this morning was perfect.

Fresh Air

Following this past weekend with my parents I feel like I let out a deep breath - a breath that I've been holding for a long time. I'm more grounded, happier, feel less frantic.

What was it? Could it have been the many projects they worked on in my house: putting plastic on my windows, fixing the thing that holds my shower head, fixing my kitchen faucet, replacing the missing screw that hold the smoke detector up....other than the window, nothing very major.

Could it have been my mom got to preparing meals and doing dishes before I could? I tried to be on top of things, but she just naturally jumped in. I felt really taken care of.

Was it the theological discussion with my dad? (We tried to liken the red bows we put on Christmas trees to creation - are the bows the purpose? or merely one part of a bigger purpose?). Was it that he helped me explore some texts that I'm needing to study?

Could it have been our own make-shift "day of listening" that NPR was promoting. We didn't record anything, but we engaged in some of the story telling and listening to one another.

I worked each day they were here, but we still had good time together. I don't have a whole lot else to write about....but I am feeling good - involved, busy - but not frantic. Like I've had a breath of fresh air.

Sorting it out

Yesterday and today have been/will be times when I've had to be grounded and non-anxious. I think I succeeded in that yesterday - and in 2 of the three times it was necessary, the event turned out like I would hope it would.

My point to this is to remind myself, that even when I do everything to my best ability, even when I enter into each situation with a good balance of an open spirit and preparation for my part of the situation, even when the intent is there....when working with people there is often an unknown - and there is a high degree of out-of-my-control-ness. When the raw materials are human beings (sounds so cold and calculating), the output is so much more complicated.

I struggle with what to name, what to claim, what to not take responsibility for, and what to discard. What can I learn out of each of those situations? Part of this comes out of my urge to fix the problems - to respond and work towards healthiness.

My task today (in addition to writing a wedding sermon, finishing a grant report and visiting someone in the hospital) is to find this balance - both in public and in private.

Off Balance

I've felt unbalanced lately. Not in the way that might require air quotes....although, maybe a little bit there too.

When I come home, I crash. But, I don't feel like I can truly rest because there is so much to do. And so I don't rest well.

I've been waking up in the middle of the night a lot. I'm worrying. About my work. About the world. About others. About my health (nothing for others to get worked up about...just the usual - exercise, what's going on with my eczema, etc.). About the future...mine and the world's. About how. much. I. have. to. get. done.

Some of these things I can control. Some I cannot. The thing about the control piece? It takes time. It takes time to get my work done. It takes time to do the dishes and pay the bills and read my book club book. It takes time to exercise and talk to people on the phone. And, it doesn't feel like I have time.

Except, I would have a little more time if I didn't come home so exhausted.

I know these aren't fun posts to read. So, thank you if you did. I have known for some time that sometimes I just need to know that someone else might hear my concerns - not to solve them, but to know where I am. At the very least, it's therapeutic for me.

And now, I'm going to go be quiet for a little while and read and then go to sleep. That will help my balance.

I CAN NOT WAIT FOR TONIGHT'S RESULTS!

The title of this post is all I really need to say. I've got all this nervous energy surrounding today and this election. So, I'm going to go vote, then go volunteer and then try to concentrate on my work (add to the nervous energy, it's the last day of work before a week of vacation.....like I'll get anything done anyway...)

Who Needs Sleep?

Apparently my body (and the environment in which it resides) doesn't think I really need much sleep. Multiple things woke me up this morning a mere 4 1/2 hours after I went to bed.

But, I wake up excited (and a bit chilly....I haven't turned my heat on yet).

I'm excited because as I work on my sermon this morning, it's feeling good. I'm excited because I'm participating in workshops that are helping me bring greater definition and clarity to what I'm called to - what I want. I'm excited because a few of my "folks" are getting the same workshops. I'm excited 'cause 'though I have some big things coming up - some things that bring me outside of my comfort zone - I'm honored to be asked to do them. I'm excited because I have vacation very, very soon. I'm excited because I actually stayed out later than 10 last night. I'm excited because I have good friends - and I've actually gotten to spend time with some of them.

I know, it doesn't take much sometimes :)

There are plenty of stressors right now. My health has given me some headaches (not literal headaches, but things I need to pay attention to). I'm hearing the same news everyone else is about the economy - and recognizing the impact that has on various people and institutions with which I'm involved. I'm still working too much.

But, the community, the friends, the good work that is being done, the belief that what I am doing is important, the promise of rest, relaxation, and concerts (!) (not to mention the hope I feel when I consider President Obama), is spurring me on. No wonder I can't sleep.

More Clarity

I realize that you, my dear friends who follow my blog, most likely understand where I was coming from yesterday. But, somewhere yesterday (between good conversations with ones who are dear to me and the first date I had) I discovered a little more clarity. I realized that it's not that I don't have deep relationships, you who read this blog and know me know that.

It's that I don't have any extra emotional energy. I can have all the physical energy in the world. I can be well-rested on a Friday, ready to participate in many adventures - or just sit down and have a meal, but I feel like I'm working with a limited supply of emotional energy that is often taken up in the work I do.

Sometimes I do have that emotional energy to invest. But, I haven't recently. So, what do I do with these decent date experiences with good guys who I just haven't been able to emotionally invest in?

Other than my continued quest to have a well-balanced life, not over-run with work, I don't know that there is anything to really do about this. But, it does make me feel better, in some ways, to recognize what it is in me that resists going deeper right away.

If only there was a switch

What causes spark and attraction? I'm feeling frustrated with myself because I wonder if somewhere in this last year (or 3, or 8) I just turned that off. Or, maybe it's never been turned on. Or, maybe I'm not very attune to it.

Or, maybe....

So many excuses. What it cuts to is that, though there seem to be many people I admire, respect, think are pretty great - there aren't many that I feel really drawn to. I want to be drawn in - but, like many things, this isn't something to force. But, could it be that I close it off when it could otherwise happen?

I've been in a mood lately, I recognize it's a phase. A not-fun phase. A searching for meaning phase. An over-worked phase. A not-very-thankful phase. A phase that will end when I get over myself.

This isn't something that is saying I'm not enough or I'm incomplete. But, I am feeling an absence of something deeper.

Would You Rather...

More than anything right now I'd like to snuggle down into my bed and read for an evening. Or, maybe I'd like to go to the Ron Sexsmith concert that a friend invited me to. Or, maybe I'd like to grab a beer with someone.

Instead, I'm sitting at home, attempting to write a grant. I have to do this because I sluffed something else off on a parishioner so that I could do this. I have to do this because it's due on Wednesday and I have a wedding, a couple education pieces, a devotion and regular Sunday morning activities to write as well.

Really, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing. Painting my toenails, calling a friend...there are about 6 that I've been meaning to call for a while now, cooking some vegetables, going for a walk, figuring out the doctor and eye appointments I should make soon, buying a gift, starting one of my 2 book club books, cleaning my bathtub, playing Word Twist (on Facebook), planning vacations, downloading my music so I can listen to it on my Ipod, wow - just now was the first pause in my writing.

I don't like who I am when I'm this busy and stressed. I don't like that I don't have as much energy to be with people or to listen. I don't like that it doesn't feel like I do anything well when I'm trying to juggle everything. I don't like that when I do finally finish something I have to move right on to the next thing. I don't like feeling always behind. I don't like that lately it's felt like my entire life is the work I do (she says, admittedly, after a weekend of a friend's wedding - at which I officiated, but it wasn't only work).

*Sigh* I need to get back to it. This was a good diversion. On to the grant.

EIGHT Dishes! (And one picture of an ingredient).

I have 8 - that's right EIGHT - dishes to blog about. So far this year I have made 47 vegetable dishes. Unfortunately, there are a total of 93 that I said I would make. I have just inched past halfway there. And, it's the end of the 3rd quarter. I'm going to keep working away at this. We shall see how I end up. Bring on the vegetables!

This is a very delicious "Fresh Corn, Black Bean, and Avocado Saladita" (pg 45). I'm not sure it was really worth it to de-cob corn...but it was totally worth making. Not only was it tasty, but it has protein!
This is a pesto made with Arugula and Pecans. Thus, it is called "Arugula-Pecan Pesto" (pg 5). I must admit, I have yet to taste this. I made it in time to give a majority of it to someone else and have yet to use it with anything myself. I may have to remake this one....though, if stored correctly, the pesto does keep for a good length of time.
This is not actually a recipe. For the next 2 recipes I used fresh mint out of my friend Miguel's garden. I think next year I'll be growing some of my own mint. It was delicious just to smell it!


With that mint I made "Zucchini-Mint Croquettes" (pg 126). I liked the taste of them, but I'm not sure I would want to eat more than 2 or 3. However, they're also fun to make...I must admit, I like to shred zucchini.The other minty recipe was "Southeast Asian-Style Eggplant with Chiles, Red Onion and Mint" (pg 54). I made only about a 1/2 recipe, and that was enough. I would not use this as a main dish, but as a side.
Tomatoes! These were tomatoes that were mostly donated to me by loving congregation members. I had actually been expecting more, but am certainly ok with not having to figure out what to do with them all ('though I do have 2 more recipes). This is "Gratineed Tomatoes" (pg 119). My book club was once again subjected to my experiments...and these were good - but after they sat on the table for a little while they were much less appetizing.
Red onions really really make me cry. It was almost impossible for me to keep working on this dish. But, it still turned out fine. This is really a simple dish with some surprising taste combinations. At the heart, though, is good ole broccoli, my friend. This is "Broccoli, Apples & Red Onion in Honey-Mustard Marinade" (pg 24).
Story time. As an RA in college I was on rounds when I smelled something like Pot. I ended up knocking on the door only to learn that the girls were taking part in a Native American ritual that involved burning sage. Making "Crispy Sage Leaves" (109) brought that all back to me. These were meh...not fantastic, not really necessary, really.

Oh my goodness, this next dish completely redeems the sage leaves. I liked it just as well plain, but putting the sage leaves on top did add something to it. This is "Spaghetti Squash with Carmelized Onions and Crispy Sage Leaves" (pg 108). Mollie Katzen recommends making a double batch - and if this were to be for more than 2 people, I agree. It was delicious!There it is. I hope to continue on this successful streak. I am really looking forward to more squash - and the broccoli dishes that will be coming soon.

Religion Vs. Faith

When talking about my job with people who aren't immersed in the church, I often get tongue-tied. I tend to not know whether to talk about faith or religion.

Faith and religion are tied to me, but not the same thing. When I talk with people not connected to the church, often the issue that gets most discussed is organized religion (and it's sin). I don't disagree with the assessment that organized religion causes pain. I don't disagree that sinful people run rampant within religious organizations. I don't disagree that religiosity sometimes breeds evil.

The challenge to me, especially when talking with those who have been hurt by organized religion in the past, is to affirm the sin that is there. But then to move into the faith aspect. It's difficult, though, for me to move from a criticism of organized religion to a lifting up of God's relationship with sinful humanity (and with me). I haven't found a good segue.

And, I'm not completely against organized religion. I think there is a purpose and a call to be community. Practically, I see the need for organization and the tendency (the only thing we know how to do to keep something functioning?) to institutionalize. Even with the sin it holds, I appreciate a certain level of institutionalization - especially if it's dynamic and reformable.

I'm figuring it out - with more and more practice. And, it's not always important to talk about everything. 'Though it is an important conversation to have...to open up that God does not equate church. That organized religion is not infallible. That God's hope for this world does not end in the church.

Price Per Share

Recently, I've had the urge to overshare. I suppose it's not the desire to overshare in itself, but I've felt like I've broadcasted parts of my life/opinions/unnecessary details far and wide.

Why did I make that joke? What possessed me to tell that life story to those people? Why did I get into that debate?

I wonder if there is some correlation between the general isolation I experience (living alone, often working alone in my office, eating by myself, exercising by myself, leaving places by myself even when I've been in a group) and my instinct to push details of myself off onto others. In two ways I see the impetus: 1) I have many random thoughts that I like to talk through, but since I'm by myself a lot I often don't get to. So, when they do come when I'm in the presence of people, I get to share. and 2) I do want people to know me.

Even though I don't think I've crossed any lines ('though I may have caused some to move their preconceived notions), I wonder what the cost of my blabbering is.

Beans, beans....no, literally - green beans.

August should be a fantastic month for cooking vegetables. Well....yeah. I have been. Just not recipes for the New Year's Resolution. Here are the dishes I have made in August. I suppose one a week isn't bad - but it's almost half as many as I would have liked.

Best Ever Green Beans Amandine (pg 68). I don't really remember these. I think they tasted fine. And, must not have been too difficult. Hmmm???


This dish, however, was stupendous - and fun and easy. This is Cauliflower and Red Onion Mustard Pickles (pg 42). They may not look like much, but they were tasty. I suppose it always helps to have things sit in mustard and vinegar.


I believe this was my favorite of the month...and perhaps of the summer. This is Beet-Avocado-Pear "Carpaccio" (pg 14). I only made enough for one serving originally, but I made this a couple more times because it was so good. Really just a fancy salad more than anything. And, candied walnuts are never a bad thing.

Finally, more beans. Because, I like beans. And, they're in season. This was basically a recipe that told me to do what I might normally do anyway. So, here you have "Dramatically Seared Green Beans" (pg 72). Perhaps the only difference is that I would have not added the garlic.

Motorcycles and Politics: Individualism and Traveling as a Pack

A Cynical Purge
I live just a few houses from a major thoroughfare. I very rarely hear any traffic noise - except....except for the motorcycles. (Well, and except for the airplanes, but that's due to the airport 2 miles from my house).

This weekend is the celebration of Harley Davidson's 105th Anniversary - and so, I am hearing motorcycles. The most entertaining part of this for me is that I have already seen multiple headbands/handkerchiefs littering the roads of my fair city (oh - or maybe I should say sexy city...Milwaukee was somehow rated sexiest city by the magazine Marie Claire).

I enjoy motorcycles. I understand why they're fun - or at least some of the reasons. But, right now I'm feeling disgusted by them. They are such an extravagance; I don't know many people who have one as their sole vehicle. Is there an argument for higher gas mileage? That might help my attitude.

I think I'm just feeling down about humanity in general. I really should feel elated - especially after Obama's amazing acceptance speech last night. But, the combination of the reminder that Milwaukee's poverty level is off the chart (apparently we lead the country in poverty and sexiness...we're only 2nd highest this year as the drunkest city) and the recognition that a large part of Americans really think it's their right to live extravagantly, brings me down.

I do believe that Obama will not raise taxes for 95% of working families - and stop tax breaks to companies that send jobs overseas. I do believe that Obama will lead others into individual responsibility and mutual responsibility - into caring for our brothers and sisters....and that will encompass economics, the environment, government programs, education and on and on.

But, I'm also feeling cynical. I'm feeling cynical because Senator Clinton was not visibly supporting the Democratic Party last night. I'm feeling cynical because a motorcycle can only hold 2 people - and really is all about individualism and freedom from the constriction of a boxy vehicle and the necessary rules that go with it. I'm feeling cynical because while motorcycles rally and candidates stump, people are suffering. And it's not even winter yet.

I'm not going to leave this here. There does need to be hope. There is hope. It comes in community for me - in people supporting each other - in the quest for dignity for all. I believe that is Obama's vision and that Biden strengthens that. But, beyond what (I hope and pray and have to believe) will be in a few months, community will support.

My congregation is blessed (somehow) with the presence of a homeless community who is seeking to pitch in. The people who organize and make our food pantry (where food is only given to those who aren't able to get it at other pantries because they have no permanent address); the people who organize and staff our clothing room; the people who often are putting the finishing touches on clean up after Soup Kitchen - are the people who start out by being served. Most of these volunteers sleep outside at night. There is sometimes a high turnover rate, but also a high rate of recidivism....in volunteering.

The newest idea is that those who can (who wander the streets, digging in the garbage cans, picking up metal), those who can (as a verb) - bring in one bag of cans a week that then are exchanged for cash and underwear be purchased with it for the clothing room. I love this. Because it truly addresses community - it creates a space for people to offer what they can, what they have. We haven't gotten further than brainstorming with this one, but it does give me hope.

And, I have to have hope that people will keep traveling in packs - that people will lift each other up to a greater vision of unity - that we will look out for each other and trust in something bigger than ourselves.

Alright. Cynical purge done.

Simple, and not-so-simple Gifts

It's been a day of gifts. Some very much appreciated, others not so much. But, a gift is a gift. And, I believe that I, for the most part received them graciously.

The day ended with a request for a hug. One of those unexpected requests. A hug that was really a sharing of the peace in many ways, but with one who respects my space as much as I respect his, and so it was strangely appropriate. He was just so happy - and needed to share his glee. He was happy because of opportunities: an upcoming trip; getting to volunteer with youth; being able to give some of our homeless folk an opportunity to be invested in our ministry (putting together our clothing room). It was a gift to share in his happiness.

Tonight I received tomatoes, chocolate, inappropriate (yet funny) offers to run with me (I was spotted on Monday on my run), the blessing of the glee of an older woman, concrete news from someone that our work is making a difference, the privilege of being asked to be a reference for a homeless woman, but most creepily, a doll. The doll is one of those collector type things. I hate dolls and stuffed animals. They creep me out. I don't know that I ever saw Chucky, but, it probably has something to do with that.

I also received the gift of good colleagues - in my morning text study, and in the Interfaith meeting I attend. It actually only took one - with whom conversation is not frequent enough - but who does care. We spent 1/2 an hour in the parking lot after the meeting.

In non-work life, I received the gift of two different invitations to hang out (well, I initiated one...but she responded in the affirmative. And the second was completely unexpected). Neither are pastors (yay!...you know I love my pastor friends, but variety is good). And both are highly educated and in fields that require a lot of responsibility.

This is long enough, but I received other gifts today too. It was one of those days. Some of the gifts I received with open arms. Some, I wasn't too sure of, but it turned out to be a good thing. Others I'd still like to get rid of. But, they are all gifts. No matter how much I would pick them out for myself.

Raw and Unapologetic Spiritual Processing

***Warning*** Spiritual Processing Ahead***Warning***

As many of you know, I'm overly-self-aware, highly opinionated (although, I don't believe oppressively so), an analyzer and sometimes have deep emotions about minor things. I often pay attention to my emotions and take a cue from them in helping me make decisions. I wouldn't say that I react emotionally, but that I touch base with how I'm feeling as decisions are being made.

In these last 6 months (since about Easter) I haven't had clear emotions in many of the areas of my life. I'm prepared for that fogginess when it comes to personal life and even to some extent work life. (Although, I must say, the work has not been too foggy....my investment sometimes has been, but that's another story). What I haven't been prepared for is an extended period of spiritual haze.

I met with my spiritual director last week - and she helped me put much in perspective. And then, I read the Scripture for this upcoming week. Elijah commands God's power in amazing signs and then is running scared from the people with whom he dueled. Peter sees Jesus walking on water and commands Jesus to reveal his divinity even further by making it possible for Peter to walk on water.

In Elijah, God was in the silence. In Matthew, Jesus calmed the storm - and it wasn't up to the disciples to really do anything but let him in the boat and worship. (Although, we don't know what would have happened if they hadn't).

My sermon in a few days may very well head this direction, but it's too raw for me to share this with my church now. I've shared times of unrest and spiritual difficulties before, but always in hind sight. I just don't think I can do that with this now.

Honestly, part of it is that I'm in the middle of that story. I'm trying to command God to show me something - to connect with me in specific ways. But, I think that my job right now (in my spiritual life) is simply to look for God. In power and simplicity. And, to be with God. In the silence.

That's hard for me. But at least it's clear.

Time Out

It happened again.

Just as I was about to take vacation, someone died. I realize that sentence needs to completely be in the context of me being a pastor. Each time a parishioner dies, it matters. It's sad and hopeful and beautiful - especially as people come together and memories are shared. Laughter and tears....blah, blah, blah. Y' all who read this, get it, right?

The funeral home director even commented that it seemed that most of the funerals I've had are either just as I'm coming or going from vacation - and it's not as if I take overly large amount of vacation.

I'm pretty good at having back up/on-call people. But, somehow it always works out that the funeral is just as I'm leaving or returning. Weeks that I have looked forward to because I wouldn't have to write a sermon, end up meaning I just have one fewer sermon to write.

This time, my vacation was to be only 4 days - and at my parents' home. I have discovered that I tend to digress at my parents' home, so I do try to limit my days there. But, I do like being there and was looking forward to some nice time with them. Instead, what was going to be vacation turned into a weekend, really.

I had a lovely vacation in April. And, I hope to take another one in October or November (I have a possible plan for that one). I had a "continuing ed road trip" at the beginning of July - which did get me out of the day-in/day-out of parish ministry - but was really looking at ministry.

The thing is, right now I just don't know what to do w/ the time I have. I need to take some days off that don't include Sundays. I need to look at when I'll take my two remaining Sundays. Should I save one for around Christmas? Or, should I see about using it earlier?

I need to calendar. And, I'd love to have a good idea of what vacation I'm looking forward to. I don't want to just take a vacation to sit around my house and watch tv ('though maybe a day of vacation could be that).

I would love ideas, propositions, dreams, etc.

Refreshing Vegetables

Three more dishes. All quite refreshing. Which, is good. 'Cause it's nearing the end of July and refreshing is always appreciated in the hot, sticky, summer months. It's not as if these dishes were cold - two required cooking and were best served hot - they just were refreshing.

This is Simplest Summer Squash (pg 114). I love squash - zucchini, yellow squash, etc. And this was a great dish. I used some leftovers in an omelet and it was fantastic. What doesn't go well in an omelet, right? Except, this was exceptional.

There's a great greenhouse in Milwaukee called Growing Power.
I've purchased from them before....but this dish: Garlicky Pea Shoot Tangle (pg 79) required pea shoots - the only ones available were from Growing Power. Which, I gladly purchased. This was a lovely dish - best used as a side. Easy, easy, easy. And tasty.

Shaved Fennel with Red Onion, Olive Oil, and Oranges (pg 62)...I think they wanted lots of "o's". This seemed a bit like that almost coleslaw-ey-ish salad that includes oranges. But, it was better. I didn't "shave" correctly because I don't have the right tools. But, it still turned out very well.

Connections

"She is really funny."

That's what m'dear friend K said last night on the phone. She was referencing this post.
It's true, God's a working in strange and funny ways, I know it.

It's not only work-related either.

As I talked with K last night I again (for about the millionth time) marveled at how she and I have become friends. She knew my parents before she knew me (there could be some joke in here about how she still decided to get to know me - but I don't think my parents are scary like that). She (and her husband....whose father I'd met before I met either of them) moved here shortly after I did. Our paths have seemingly crossed at other times, but in 2005 we all came here - brought by work - not knowing many, if any, others. And, we clicked.

We have so many of the same interests, similar opinions (but not too many) and have been able to trust each other pretty immediately.

I'm not packing any bags yet (and I don't believe they are either), but K is such a blessing in my life now, and I know in the years to come. A blessing that I'm positive will continue even once we are each in different locations and roles.

That God - always up to something...

Problem Solving and Partnership

Monday and Tuesday of this week were not good days. I think for the first time in the presence of my secretary, I had one of those almost-burst-into-tears-because-it's-all-too-much moments. I just could not handle the chaos. The offices were in shambles because of air conditioning being put in. That's a good thing, right? Only, for some reason neither the secretary nor myself thought (or were made aware) that it would mean two full days of drilling, constant a/c tech presence and needing to not really use our offices.

There are other things that add to the chaos. All fine/part of life/part of work/privileges/opportunities. But, it was being displaced that put me over the edge.

On Monday I had coffee with a non-pastor who works in the church who wondered how I, with limited staff, manage. It made me realize how much it is the leaders of the church - non-paid, members - people who just love the church - who I count on and who are my partners in work.

This past week I filled in the secretary (who is so much more than a secretary...she really is my partner in ministry) and the council president (another partner in ministry) on a non-issue that, if things go the wrong way, could become an issue. Individually they listened, they asked questions, they offered input and suggestions, and, of their own accord, promised to be supportive and allies should it become an issue.

These two will also be those who hold down the fort next week when I'm gone.

Who am I kidding? These two hold down the fort when I'm here!

I might be a solo pastor. But, I'm not solo in ministry. And, for that, I am thankful.

Sometimes it means that things happen that I'm not completely aware of. Which is great, really - because it means I'm not the only one making things happen. But, the other positive is that it also means that I do not hold most of the trials and tribulations - the joys and vision and privilege - alone.

Women and Men; Blessings and Surprises

Even though I would call myself a feminist, I admittedly have different expectations of women and men. Maybe that isn't so much against the feminist grain - maybe that's simply recognizing the ways in which women and men work differently (obv. with the better way being the woman's way) (ok, ok, there are benefits and problems with each...).

Yesterday, I was blessed by women. And, I was surprised by men. Good day, doncha think?

Yesterday our local gathering of pastors sent the one other woman in our group on her way to a ministry in a different location and a different way. We prayed, we shared communion, we read Scripture - and we planned for what our group will be. I was blessed by her - in her partnership (because, we were colleagues in keeping this group accountable), in her affirming words (so, the sometimes difficult words that come out of my mouth often succeed at being insightful, with truth...yet told with love - phew), in her gifting of some of the books she will no longer need. She has been a blessing to have as a nearby colleague, and I will miss her.

And the men in that group - some of them at least - are dedicated to it, even if they don't always follow through. And, a couple of them picked up some of the tasks to make sure that when we begin next fall again, we'll have meetings with purpose and depth. They surprised me. I'm grateful for that.

Then, at Soup Kitchen last night, I stopped by to talk to the graceful nun (who really looks like a movie star - and is so well respected in this community) who was taking blood pressures. I just wanted to say that I was glad that she was there taking blood pressures. She countered with high praise of all that was going on in the church - something she would not say if she didn't mean it. I am obviously aware that I'm not the one doing the work to make all of this happen - but it does feel good to know that what is going on in my community (with some input, work and guidance from me) is needed, thought well of, appreciated. Especially by another one who works among people in poverty.

And, I was surprised by a couple of interaction with men who are working through things. One, in a positive way - he's surviving through some adversity. Another, in a not-so-positive way, as he intentionally broke a rule last night - for which I had to kick him out. I've had to do that with his buddy before, but never with him. He has always been respectful of the rules before - and it surprised me that he chose not to last night.

Finally, I was surprised at how easily a couple of my property guys responded to my concern about the mess the A/C guys were making in the Sanctuary - and the Wedding Rehearsal/Ceremony on Friday and Saturday. I'm also relieved that they're going to handle everything (and that they are pretty sure that it's part of the contract for the workers to clean it all up. I sure hope so. But, I'm also confident that these guys will make sure things are in order.

There were other blessings and surprises yesterday. But, this is already lengthy enough - and I need to go be blessed and surprised with a whole new day.

Asparagas and Tarragon

My, my. It's been a vegetable-ful week. The Farmer's Market started yesterday - which was wonderful. Except...I only got Spinach (and a little basil plant) there. In addition to these four vegetable dishes, I've also experimented myself with other veggies. But, it's not really about the other veggies.

This lovely dish is Tarragon-Pecan Asparagus (pg 12). It was very tasty, but it definitely felt like it made way more than the 4-5 servings the book indicates.
I made these: Feta-Walnut-Stuffed Cucumbers (pg 46) for a potluck for a Vacation Bible School event. The kids all passed it up - but the parents sure enjoyed it :) (It wasn't really intended for the kiddos anyway). I had a lot of the stuffing left over - and ended up making my own unique burrito - with spinach, onions, zucchini and red peppers. I don't know that you really can go wrong with a feta/walnut combo.

And then here comes more asparagus. I've been meaning to make this for some time, but the combination of the required marinating time (2 hours to two days) and that it suggested opening the windows during cooking (because you reduce the vinegar w/ the ginger), detracted from it's appeal. But, when I finally made Gingered Asparagus (pg 10) - I loved it! I wish I had done this one sooner!And finally, I had to use the left over tarragon and so made this ultra-easy dish: Roasted Tarragon Succotash (pg 118). Seriously - frozen corn, frozen edamame (or lima beans or green chick peas), a bulb of garlic and tarragon....so so easy. And, yummy.

Three Years

When I was thinking about entering seminary I talked with an assistant to the bishop of my home synod. If I was going to go to seminary, I wanted what came afterwards to go a certain way. I wanted to be a chaplain in a homeless shelter.

The thing is, at that time the ELCA would not ordain a person into a chaplaincy, but he or she would have to first serve for three years in a parish before they moved on to that specialized ministry. (I'm not sure of the policy now, but I do know that there have been special cases where this hasn't been the requirement).

That requirement did not work with what I thought my life plan included. As I talked with the assistant to the bishop, I tried to explain why I would need to go directly into chaplaincy and forgo the required three years.

She looked at me kindly and said, "Amy, go to seminary and let the Spirit guide you."

In those years in seminary I learned that I do really love many aspects of parish ministry as well. And, I lucked out (or the Spirit was at work), in that after seminary the church to which I am called includes ministry among people in poverty (with a Soup Kitchen, Free Clinic and Senior Ministry programs).

I'm have now come upon 3 years. Three years ago yesterday I was ordained. Three years ago Saturday I started my job with the title Pastor.

When I started here, I was asked how long I would stay. I didn't really answer, but indicated that I didn't intend to get out of it as quickly as possible, but nor did I imagine that it would be the last church to which I am called.

I've not started to think of leaving. But, that three year mark feels like an accomplishment. And, while I don't know where or when the Spirit will blow, I continue to feel like I'm doing what I need to do. Even if it's not following the exact plan with which I started.

Multiple Vegetable Dishes, Not Yet Reported

You may have thought that I had stopped cooking my vegetable dishes. It isn't so. I just haven't been reporting them consistently. Let the documentation commence:

I hosted my book club's May meeting, which gave me the occasion to make two different things that could be used as appetizers.

The first: Roasted Red Peppers with Garlic & Lime (pg 81). I put these w/ goat cheese and a wheat bagel cracker. I think the vegetable was fine - but the goat cheese and the crackers were what people really went after. Oh well.
And Tunisian Eggplant(pg 53). I had a lot of this left over and used it on some chicken. That was really very good. As an appetizer, it was only ok.The next two dishes are really 2-in-1. The first is used in the preparation of the 2nd. The green mess below is Arugula Gremolata (pg 6). The book says, "Traditional gremolata is a feathery mix of finely rendered parsley, garlic, and lemon zest - most notably used as a topping for the Italian dish osso buco."And here is what it was put in: Farfalle with Arugula Gremolata, Gorgonzola, Golden Raisins & Walnuts (pg 7). My grocery store does not carry Golden Raisins, so I just ignored them.This may be the best name in the entire book: Bell Pepper Festival (pg 20). It was very simple and would go with almost anything. The left overs went into a really tasty omelet. And finally, here is Avocado Strawberry Saladita (pg 13). This was really good on chicken - and incredibly simple. Also, helped me learn what a jicama is. I would even bet you that your grocery store carries jicama.So, I have been cooking. Not as much as I would like, but some nonetheless. And, it's almost summer when the good veggies start to roll in!

No Story

I feel like I want to write. But I have nothing to say.

There is a lot going on. But too much, really, to go into it.

There have been some notable happenings in these past weeks, but nothing that tells a story.

There will be some notable happenings in this next week, but nothing that I really want to share on a blog.

So, blogging world - I'm here. My life continues to be interesting and full. It's just not telling a good story.

One Long Post....That Maybe Should Just Be A Journal Entry

Today I get to take it easy.

I could grab my calendar and say for sure - but it's felt like my last month has been all about fitting things in. Fitting people in - both in my fun personal life and in my meaningful work life. It's been good on both accounts - but, it's also tiring.

I have loved that I've gotten to fit in so many times to get together with friends. Some have been sad, like saying goodbye to Gail as she moves away. Some have been joyful, some exciting and new. Some a mix of the two.

I left a meeting early on Tuesday to be with friends. The chair of the meeting said "for pete's sake, don't come at all...go be with your friends. You deserve some fun time." I still went, partially because we had already made out plans for meeting up that took into account my schedule. Partially, though, because there have been many opportunities for me to totally ditch out on a work something - and I haven't done so. Also - that whole, "you deserve some fun time." Well, yes, I do - but, I've been taking it.

Work has been intensely full of meetings - one-on-one and group, going from one thing to another. That has been good too. But, next week is looking gloriously open. Of course, everything that I want to get done needs to be done by this Sunday - so that openness doesn't really help me get everything done right now. But, it does indicate an end to my chaos. Although, I am sure new chaos will start up. And honestly, I do some of my best work in chaos.

I am happy. And, I've been feeling fully me in all of these different areas. I don't feel like I'm faking it to make it. 6 months or so ago something clicked. In work, in home...with family and friends. That doesn't mean that everything has been easy. I haven't been able to be "there" for some of my friends in ways like I would have liked. I've made some mistakes in work. I've, obviously (by reading other entries to this blog), had some down times and times when I haven't felt fully sure of things.

But, even in that ambiguity, I have felt wholly me.

Patience, cont.

I ended up with just enough patience yesterday. Only one of the three space & time invaders was present, and I was able to kindly interact without allowing for full time domination. Phew.

I was going to write more, but I'm a little sick of hearing myself complain. Have a great week!

Patience

I'm hiding out in my office.

No one but the organist is here yet, but I'm hiding. After being on vacation for 10 of the last 19 days you would think I'd be rested and have patience.

I'm reaching really hard for that patience. It was my first prayer this morning. It was a prayer as I drove home last night (from a church function).

I don't think I have patience for the needy ones. For the ones who seem to always need to talk to me. For the ones who breach my physical space. I don't have patience for those who need everything explained to them (over and over). I don't have patience for people's comments of "what work do you do that you need a vacation?" I don't have patience even for the incredibly eager ones who just want to suck everything in (sometimes it feels like I'm needing to spoon feed these too).

What I do have patience for? The 14-year old preacher. The kiddos who are leading the service today. The elderly (formerly grumpy) man who as he shares the peace with me, pulls me in and says "God loves you and so do I." I have patience for the people who have recently lost loved ones. I have patience for the excited Stewardship chair. I have patience for the dedicated ones who let me know about others who aren't doing so well. And for those who will come, and worship - taking in the Word and the Meal.

So, I suppose I do have patience. And, I pray for God's patience and strength not to let my impatience rule over me.

I'm still going to hide in my office for a few more minutes.

Colorful

My latest two concoctions were all about the color.

This past weekend I made "Stir-Fried Carrots, Red Peppers & Red Onions with Roasted Cashews." (pg 36) It was quite tasty, but I realized also quite expensive.

I also made "Ruby Chard Decorated with Itself" (pg 96-97). This was pretty - and much more powerful tasting than I had expected. But, It was good and I felt healthy eating it. Unfortunately, blogger is having a difficult time uploading this particular picture. It was pretty - I'll try again at another time, but it's basically just a leafy green vegetable with chopped up pinkish/red vegetable on top of it.

Very Little Sweat

Sometimes it's really hard to come back from vacation. It was hard to leave this time...hard to leave those whom I dearly love, hard to leave the time spent in leisure, hard to leave sunny California weather. It was.

But, it wasn't so hard to go back to work today. It was nice. I "checked-in" today at an area pastor meeting that ever since Christmas I haven't been freaking out. Things have been okay. Nothing seems like a major deal. Good ministry is happening, often without me.

Since I've been gone?
New ministry is being dreamed up in the form of women's ministry.
A grant has been applied for.
Vacation Bible School dreaming (which has been absent) has begun.
A children's area just off of the worship area has been set up.
The Word (and a good Word at that) was preached on Sunday.
New people have popped in and been well welcomed.
New-ish people have continued to make this place their home.
A woman who had been deteriorating died. (Funeral, which I'll do, is Friday).
A couple good decisions were made regarding Finances and the Newsletter.
Many, many e-mails and 16 phone messages.
A sermon and children's sermon for Sunday are in the midst of being prepared.

All done by others.

Most of the things I have to do aren't that big of a deal. And, I'm taking another mini-vacation next week to visit a friend. I have no fear whatsoever about not having a job, but it is good to know that the work continues when I'm not there. The work is not dependent solely on me. And, coming back has not been difficult at all.

Three Dishes

I have not done so well with my New Year's Resolution lately...but I do have a few dishes to report.

First - Leek Chips, pg 73. They would have been better if I used less oil and didn't try to rush them.

Sesame Braised Cabbage with Leeks (pg 34). Quite tasty, though I didn't need to make as much as I did.

And, for Easter, Oven Ratatouille (pg 92-93). Very, very good. Also good as leftovers.

Rearranging Time

With the nicer weather, I've been breaking up my days differently. Leaving work to do some errands, go for a run, figure out my wonky computer (which I'll be giving up tomorrow for 7-10 days so it can be fixed once again).

It's been nice. It also means that I'm working into the evening. But, I'd be doing that anyway...just working straight through. And, to do personal stuff during daylight hours, not necessarily when I'm exhausted at the end of the day, is wonderful!.

I'm leaving for California in less than a week! And when I get back, my work time will be light for about a month. I just have to attempt to keep my mind in the present and complete the work that needs to be done before I go.